Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Oh!

I still cannot believe that we got Bill and Milton

to do their live radio broadcast from our hotel.

It's going to give us so much publicity.

And Lord knows with business as slow as it's been, we need it.

There it is. How does it look?

Oh, it looks just fine. Just fine.

Back to the kitchen now.

What, that's it?

No thanks, no gratitude?

(scoffs) You get me hot and sweaty, work me like crazy,

and then send me away?

Man, I feel like one of your dates.

But I guess you'll want to run back to the Arco station

and brag to all your buddies.

No, good, good. I can't wait to see you, Mom.

Okay, yeah. This is great.

This is terrible.

My parents are coming to see me and I think my dad has some bad news to tell me.

What makes you think so?

‐Well, he called me Roly. ‐Well, so?

So the last time he called me Roly,

he told me I'd been cut from little league team.

How come the coach didn't tell you?

He was the coach.

Well, what do you think it is this time?

Taffy's dead.

‐Who's taffy? ‐Our dog.

(gasps)

Your mother and dad would fly all the way down here

just to tell you your dog died?

It wasn't just a dog, Blanche.

It was part of our family. We had her for over 14 years.

So, what do you think she died of?

She was a smoker, Rose.

Old age! I just said we had her for over 14 years.

Sarcasm, Roly?

Maybe that's why Daddy didn't want you on the team.

Okay...

‐There you go. ‐Thank you.

‐Thank you, very much. ‐Thank you, very much.

‐Hi, guys. ‐Hi!

‐Uh, my name's Chuy. ‐Oh, how are you doing?

‐This is Sophia. ‐Hi, Sophia. How are you?

Nice to meet you.

You guys are the funniest thing I've ever heard

and I always wondered why you're not on TV.

Although, now I know.

So you really like our show?

Oh, absolutely.

You know, whenever me and my ex‐wife used to make love,

she had to have your program on. (chuckles)

I must have heard you guys at least... twice.

Hey, are you going to do one of your practical jokes

for incredibly stupid people?

I just love that bit!

No, we haven't done that in a long time.

As a matter of fact, the last time we did that stunt,

uh, Milt here had a little mishap.

Yeah, according to Bill here,

some tranquilizers don't work on some alligators.

Here we go again.

We pulled him off you, didn't we?

You tied live chickens to my feet!

It was funny, wasn't it?

I lost a toe!

‐We found it! ‐Well...

It's a shame you don't do those jokes anymore,

because I know the perfect victim for your show tonight.

Oh, really? Yeah, but the stuff we did was so outrageous.

We could do the Penn and Teller bit, though.

Are you sure this person is stupid enough

to fall for one of our practical jokes?

(elevator bell dings)

Oh, no! No! No!

You're going to have to trust me on this one.

I'll show you where to set up.

(whooping)

Roland, the hotel is beautiful!

Son, I'm impressed.

Well, I tried to create an atmosphere of class and dignity.

I hope I succeeded.

Hold that elevator, please!

No! No! No! No!

Oh... (pants)

(chuckles)

Shouldn't you call the owners and tell them

there's a crazy woman loose in the hotel?

Well, you know, actually, that is one of the...

I'm going to go and make that call.

First, show us to our rooms.

We want to get cleaned up before we eat.

Okay, how long we gonna do this?

‐Do what? ‐Act like there's nothing wrong.

You guys came down here to tell me some bad news, what is it?

I'm sorry, Son.

We didn't want to break this to you over the phone.

Just go ahead, pop. I have a feeling I know what this is already.

Now, Roland, promise you won't take this too hard.

‐You're so easily upset. ‐Mom.

Look, stop treating me like a child.

I'm a mature adult. Just say it.

Your mother and I have decided to get a divorce.

You and Mommy are going to do what?

I know this comes as a shock to you, honey.

But the marriage has been over for years

and we feel it's time to stop pretending.

Pretending? Are you crazy? You two need each other.

Roland, your mother and I have been unhappy for at least 20 years.

Twenty years?

Yes.

You two have been unhappy for 20 years of your life?

‐I'm afraid so. ‐So what's another 20?

‐Roly‐‐ ‐No, don't Roly me.

You just blurted this out. This is really bad news.

You didn't even prepare me or anything, Pop.

You didn't even say sit down, Son.

God, I thought you came down here to tell me that Taffy died.

At least I was wrong about that.

Sit down, Son.

‐(chattering) ‐Okay, we're back!

We're broadcasting live here from the Golden Palace hotel,

talking to one of its owners.

The witty, vivacious, and, might I add,

lovely Blanche Devereaux.

Blanche, say hello to our listeners.

(purring) Hello.

Oh‐ho.

Blanche, do you mind if we ask you a couple of personal questions?

Not at all, Bill.

Tell us, as a transvestite,

do you find that it's...

it's harder running a business here in conservative Miami?

I beg your pardon, Bill.

I am not a transvestite.

I'm sorry, transsexual! I always get you guys mixed up!

Boy, you know, I get them mixed up, too, Bill.

Especially after a couple of beers, you know.

Wait a minute. Listen. Look here.

Uh, I am a woman,

and I was born a woman.

Oh, you mean a woman trapped in a man's body.

Same old story, yeah.

Okay, why don't you tell us about the operation then, Blanche.

You know, they say sometimes when a man has to have his leg amputated,

he can still feel the leg.

Yeah, they want to wiggle their toes, you know? Yeah.

(chuckles)

Did you, uh, ever want to wiggle your toe, Blanche?

Oh! I‐‐

Or do you keep your toe in a jar?

I know mine is.

Listen!

Now my name is Blanche Devereaux.

I'm a woman. I've always been a woman.

There must be somebody out there who's slept with me.

Oh, Rose!

How about a nice round of applause

for our guest, Mr. Blanche Devereaux.

Right here.

Well, thank you, thank you.

What the hell, attention's attention.

Well, Milt, I see by my watch,

it's time for a little audience participation

and we're gonna try an old favorite called, "Have a little faith."

‐I love it. ‐Yeah, me too.

Now, we're gonna need a volunteer for this game.

Anybody here want to play?

Rose, what are you waiting for? Raise your hand.

I don't think so.

Why should I go up and let them make me look like a fool?

I mean, what's in it for me?

As a prize, we'll be giving away these three magic beans.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, we have a volunteer!

Come right over here, sweet thing.

Tell us what's your name?

Rose. Rose Nylund.

Hi, Rose‐Rose Nylund. How are you? That's catchy.

Now, in order for you to win these beans,

you have to answer three trivia questions.

Uh, how are you on farm trivia?

Oh, I'm great on farm trivia!

I used to live on a farm.

Isn't that a coincidence?

both: Absolutely!

Boy, this will be easy.

And I have faith that you can do it!

Don't you, Milt?

I'd be willing to bet my life on it, Billy.

I'll take that bet, Milt.

‐Okay, boys! ‐(fanfare plays)

(people exclaiming)

man: Yes, sir!

All right, radio listeners at home,

we have a tank of water in front of us.

Now, Milt,

I double dare you to stay submerged in this tank of water

until Rose successfully answers all three farm trivia questions.

Whew! Boy! I don't think I could pass up an opportunity like that, Bill.

Wait! Wait! How's he gonna breathe in there?

Well, he can't. That's the point.

We're depending on you.

We have faith in you that you'll get him out in time.

What's more important than faith?

Air! Air's more important!

You know what, Billy? The lady may be right on that air theory‐‐

Aw, get in there.

Okay, he's in there. Nicely safe in there, nicely sealed up.

Okay, now let's get to question number one.

Before we get to question number one, Rose,

tell us about yourself. Where are you from?

Rose: St. Olaf! What does it matter?

Just ask the questions.

All right, question number one.

What do you call a baby goose?

Uh, gosling!

Gosling. That's very good.

Okay, um...

Question number two. Pay attention, dear.

Name a machine that you‐‐

Tractor.

No, no. Wait till I finish the question.

It's not really fair unless you let me finish the question.

‐I'm sorry. ‐Okay.

Name a machine that you find on a farm.

‐A tractor? ‐Yes! Very good.

You're doing so well and this is only your first time!

Ladies and gentlemen, isn't she terrific?

Before we get to question three,

let's have a small commercial break.

Oh, no!

No, ask the third question!

Bill: Oh, okay. The third question.

Question number three...

Name 50 things that a farmer plants.

Fifty! You want 50!

There's a thousand of them.

You can rip them off like that! Let's go.

‐Oh, wheat, barley. ‐Yeah. yeah.

‐Rice, cotton, corn... ‐Good. Yeah. Yes.

How many is that?

Let's me see, you said, wheat, barley...

Oh, never mind!

Peas! Lettuce, cauliflower, corn...

Nope! You already said corn.

‐Did not! ‐Did, too! Didn't she? (gibberish)

‐Yay! ‐What does it matter?

Get him out! He's going to drown!

Well, we can't change the rules unless I check with my partner.

Just a minute.

Sweetie! Honey, you want out?

He loves it in there. He's like a fish.

‐Go on, come on! ‐Oh, my god!

Uh, parsnips! Turnips!

Uh, yams!

‐Sugar beets. ‐Good.

‐Uh, watercress. ‐Yeah.

‐Hominy. ‐Yeah.

‐Marijuana. ‐Oh...

Oh, my god!

It may be illegal, but it's a cash crop.

Bill: No, no, Milton!

Oh! Oh! Somebody call an ambulance! Quick!

No, wait. I'm a doctor. Maybe I can help.

Oh! Please, anything!

This man is dead.

‐Bill: Oh, no. ‐(gasps)

And I have a very strong hunch he drowned.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Goodbye, funny face.

(sobs) You killed my partner!

Milton is dead! Did you hear that, Miami?

Rose Nylund killed my partner.

(crying)

And now listen to Rick James singing Superfreak.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

I didn't mean to kill him.

I'm a bad girl!

I'm a bad, stupid girl!

Sophia, this prank on Rose has gone too far.

Ah, don't be a baby.

This is horrible. How can you do this?

Rose is the sweetest woman in the world.

While you're standing out here laughing,

she's probably sitting in the lobby crying her eyes out.

I see what you're saying.

I should be in there, watching that.

Sophia, I know why you did this to Rose.

You did it because you're jealous of her.

And you're jealous of her because you're a mean, old woman.

Ooh, gee.

When did they start teaching psychology at Hamburger U?

Sophia, I'm serious. You've got to tell her the truth.

Oh, come on. It's her own fault.

Even a chimpanzee would know it was a practical joke.

Sophia, I think we all agree that the chimp has a leg up on Rose.

But that's not what we're talking about here.

Oh, hi, Rose. What have you got?

A moth. I found it in my room.

I want to be sure it gets outside safely.

From now on, I'm dedicating myself to preserving life.

Fly, little moth.

Be free and live!

(zap)

Did I mention we got a great deal on a bug zapper? (chuckles)

(crying) Excuse me!

Well, she's two for two.

All right, that's it. Either you tell her, or I'll tell her.

Okay, okay, I thought this kind of practical joke

would make me laugh, but it hasn't.

It's affected me in ways I didn't think possible.

Yeah, it's made you feel ashamed, hasn't it?

No, it excited me sexually.

Sophia!

I'm as shocked as you are.

Roland, I think I could really help your parents.

My husband, George, and I spent some time in marriage counseling.

I really learned a lot.

I learned how to be detached and objective.

See, you're too emotionally involved to be of any real help.

‐You know what I think? ‐I don't care what you think.

Now look, if my parents don't realize that they belong together,

then I'm gonna show them.

And Blanche, I don't need your help.

Well, oh...

So, until I find a place of my own,

‐I'll move in with Roland. ‐Whatever.

Blanche, I need your help!

Hey, guys, Blanche wants to talk to you a second.

Hello, again.

I want you to realize I have considerable experience

in mediating problems like yours.

Well, that's very kind of you, but this is rather a personal matter.

Personal matters are my specialty.

Now, Louise...

Um, what was your first indication

that there might be a problem in the marriage?

Well, if you must know, it began in the bedroom.

Ho‐hold! (chuckles)

No, no, no.

I don't want to hear them talk about this.

Well, fine, go in the other room.

What was it, honey?

Too little, too much?

I'm not afraid of details.

Maybe if you'd been more passionate,

I wouldn't have had guys over to watch sports all the time.

How could I be passionate in a room of men?

‐Actually‐‐ ‐Blanche!

What?

Look, this is crazy. This is not going to work.

Roland, will you please give this a chance.

All these people need is a third party who's not personally involved.

Now. George, Louise,

you know, a marriage doesn't break up over just one issue.

Now there must have been other conflicts.

Of course. Louise lost all of our life savings gambling.

What?

Wait a minute. Nobody ever told me that.

Mom, I had no idea you knew how to gamble.

Well, apparently, she doesn't.

(laughs)

You know, my husband and I used to play the horses.

Well, I wouldn't gamble if you would stay home on the weekends.

Why? So I can listen to you nag about how I don't make enough money?

We loved all those little riding crops and saddles...

Better a nagging woman than a man who can't control his tears.

Even men have a change of life, Louise.

Of course, we never actually made it to the track.

He was a lusty man.

Lusty, zesty man.

Lusty, zesty cowboy who liked to ride all night!

Blanche!

Will you stop talking about yourself?

My god. My parents have problems,

they have very serious problems.

Honey, that's what we've been trying to tell you.

This hasn't been easy for us, either, son.

But it's time we got on with our lives,

and you, too.

Well, I guess it's time I accepted this.

I mean, I'm not going to like it,

but if a divorce is what you guys want,

then I'm not going to stand in your way.

Thank you, baby.

‐You're welcome. ‐Not you.

I'm sorry I overreacted to this whole thing.

It was such a shock.

Well, at least you guys aren't marrying other people.

I mean, at least I'm not gonna have to get used to new step‐parents.

That would be difficult.

(chuckles)

George and Louise: Sit down, Son.

Go on, Sophia. Go on, tell her right now.

Rose, I have something to tell you,

and it's very difficult for me.

Oh, no, more bad news?

Don't tell me, the magic beans weren't really magic?

Come on, she's so easy.

Tell her now, old woman.

All right, all right.

There's something I haven't been totally honest with you about.

(gurgling) Wose! Oh, Wose!

What was that?

(screams) It's him!

It's Milton!

Why are you doing this?

Why are you tormenting me?

In life, you were my murderer!

In death...

I'm yours.

(screams)

(laughs) Stop it!

Now you're killing me!

Wait a minute. I got a big finish.

Come on, Wose!

It's time to come with me, Wose!

(gunshots)

Oh, no.

Rose, what have you done?

It's over.

I sent him back to hell, where he belongs.

You killed him, you really killed him?

Yes.

Why?

Oh, sweet Mary, mother of God. This is horrible.

I've got to hide.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

You killed a man!

I killed a ghost.

You killed a man, you idiot.

I don't understand.

It was a joke.

I was pulling a joke on you.

Milton's wasn't really dead. It was all just a big joke.

Sophia!

You took the words right out of my mouth.

(chuckles)

And so ends another practical joke

on an incredibly stupid person.

(laughing)

Did you have a good time, ma'am?

Oh, I sure did!

How about you, sir?

I am a woman, damn it.

Prove it.

Well, fine. How about starting off with dinner?

‐Fine, I'm right behind you. ‐Uh‐huh.

I can't believe how this transvestite bit works every time.

I can't believe how this dinner

and I'll prove it to you bit works every time.

I don't believe this.

Rose, you knew?

The whole time. We all did.

When you went to Milton and Bill, they came to me.

They felt anybody as vindictive as you

deserved a practical joke.

(chuckles)

So, who's the incredibly stupid one, now?

So you had this all planned,

even down to the moth and the bug zapper?

No, that was an unfortunate accident.

I hope you're all satisfied.

This was a terrible thing to do an old lady.

(all laughing)

It's not funny.

You really had me scared.

You really had‐‐

(groans)

(all laughing)

Sophia: Well, they didn't buy the heart attack.

But the joke's on them.

I think I broke my hip.

He won't get out of the tank.

I have 40 pounds of weight on me and a sweater.

(chuckles)

Bill: Yeah. Get out of the tank.

(chuckles) Okay.

(grunts)

(cheers and applause)