Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Hey, what's this?

Oh, Vincent Vale, that self‐help guru,

he's holding a seminar here this week.

I read his book Ready, Willing, and Able. Should be really good.

Ready, Willing, and Able.

Hey, I saw that movie.

On the Naughty network.

It's about this cheerleader, see.

She gets separated from the team.

She has to work her way across country by‐‐

Yes. Well, the book is different. (chuckles)

Has a lot of good advice in it, you know.

It inspires you to get things done on your own.

Yeah, in a strange way, so did the movie. (chuckles)

Oh, this guy wrote Ready, Willing, and Able?

The book, Blanche.

Book?

How'd they do the U‐Haul scene?

The book is different. It's one of those self‐help books.

Oh, you know, I took a self‐improvement course once,

but I dropped out.

Really? Why?

Well, when you have as much going for you as I do,

if you just keep improving,

it gets obnoxious.

Boy, you got out just in time. (chuckles)

‐Blanche: Oh. ‐Oh.

Mr. Decarlo, there you are.

Please. I've been here a week. Call me Nick.

Oh, all right, Nick,

and you can call me anytime.

(laughing)

I mean that.

Well, thank you.

You know, I haven't seen nearly enough of you

during your stay here with us.

Blanche, I see you every time I come in from the pool.

I know, but you always have your robe on.

(laughing)

I mean that.

Hello, Mr. Decarlo.

You're up early this morning.

Oh, it's hard not to be after your wake‐up call you gave me.

Oh, that. That's an old St. Olaf custom.

Rise and shine. Here's a peck on the face.

Give me a little smile. Hoist me by the waist.

Fill the tub with water.

Spank me like your daughter‐‐

Rose, please.

You're embarrassing the man.

Oh, no. It takes a lot more than that to embarrass me.

Can I feel your bottom?

Sophia!

‐He's gorgeous. ‐Stop that.

Woof. (grunts)

Ladies, I'm afraid I have a little problem.

I was expecting a check to be wired

and well, I just found out that it's going to come, and...

And you won't be able to pay your bill right away?

Well, not in the traditional sense,

but I do have a proposition for you.

‐Count me in. ‐You're on.

Deal.

Actually, I'd like to start in your kitchen.

‐Kinky. ‐Cool.

I'm hip.

No, ladies, please. I want to start working in your kitchen

to pay off my bill.

Now, we couldn't let you do that.

Not a man of your stature.

Maybe we could find you a job

more in keeping with what you normally do.

That's right. We could do that.

What is it you normally do?

I'm a gigolo.

‐What? ‐I'm a gigolo.

Uh...

(laughing)

Oh, you had us going there for a minute.

No. What do you really do?

I find wealthy older women,

become romantically involved with them,

then they support me with their money.

I got 20 shares in Nabisco. What would that get me?

Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Decarlo.

You're nothing like I thought.

That's right.

And it looks like we will be putting you to work in our kitchen,

doing dishes.

And because we despise you much,

you'll have to do it without your shirt.

Why not? We own him.

You know, I've been thinking about switching careers.

What do you have to do to become a gigolo?

Well, first you have to look good in suits.

Eh, I can do that.

Second, you have to be courteous and complimentary.

Yeah. I can do that.

But most important,

you have to be able to have sex

with women you aren't attracted to.

Wow.

I've been training for this job my whole life.

Oh, Blanche, bad news.

Don Prescott won't be able

to take you to the yacht club ball tonight.

What?

Oh...

Well, that's what I get for lining up a blind date

for the biggest event of the year.

He better have one hell of an excuse.

He died.

And?

‐Blanche! ‐Well, I'm sorry,

but you don't know what this dance means to me, Rose.

All my friends are gonna be there.

I bought a really expensive dress

just for the occasion.

Blanche, Don died.

It's a fabulous dress.

Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.

I'm available tonight.

I could fill in for the deceased.

Oh, that isn't necessary, Nick.

All Don has to do is lie there.

No. I meant escorting Blanche to the dance tonight

if she'll let me.

I just hate the whole idea of what you do,

‐But it's a fabulous dress. ‐Blanche!

Well, I have no choice.

‐Shall I drive? ‐Yes.

Donald's brother was going to drive,

but he probably has an excuse, too.

(exhales) I can't believe I let you talk me into this, man.

I don't need a self‐help seminar.

Well, I think you do.

What are you talking about? What's wrong with me?

Well, it's just‐‐

No, man. Just forget I mentioned it.

No. I really want to know.

Well, I think that your personality is flawed.

I think there's an aspect to the persona that you project

which puts people off

manifested in the way you dress and talk.

It's all terrible.

Hello, positive people!

The point of this seminar

is that you can have everything you want

as long as you're...

Ready, willing, and able, sir.

That's good, uh, Roland.

(chuckles)

And I want you to visualize what you want

because dreams are not just dreams,

‐they are the‐‐ ‐Blueprint to the reality.

And we build that reality by‐‐

By investing in the future one day at a time.

Sir. (chuckles)

‐Roland? ‐Yeah.

Smarty gave a party and nobody came.

This week is going to be

an exercise in personal will power,

but before we begin,

does anyone have any questions?

‐Uh, yeah. ‐Yes.

(clears throat)

What do you think of the way I'm dressed?

It doesn't work.

Now, at the end of the seminar,

we will test our personal strength

with the fire walk.

What walk?

The fire walk.

See, you confront your personal fears

by walking across a bed of hot coals.

What's your biggest fear, man?

Walking across a bed of hot coals.

I promise you, after you walk across these coals,

you're gonna be a different man.

Yeah, instead of being chewy, I'll be crispy.

(giggling)

Well, I just want you to know I had a really good time.

Oh, well, so did I.

You know what I was thinking at the dance tonight?

I don't think I've ever met anyone

as self‐absorbed as I am.

I was thinking the very same thing about me.

Huh.

Oh, Nick, I don't think it would be wise

for us to take this any further.

What's wrong?

You can't possibly find me unattractive.

No, of course not.

It's just that you are a Golden Palace employee now,

and I don't want to be accused

of sexual harassment again.

Again?

You lick one gardener on the back of the neck,

all of a sudden, it's a federal offense.

(chuckles)

We both know it's in our best interest

to ignore the unquenchable yearning

that burns like a fire in our bellies.

Absolutely.

both: Not the hair.

Oh.

Blanche, may I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

I've been worried about our certain relationship you've been having lately.

Uh, Rose, if this is about Nick and me,

I don't want to hear it.

All right, in that case, I wanna tell you a fable.

About?

The Grasshopper and the Gigolo.

Now listen to me, once upon a time,

uh, there was a grasshopper

who made a lot of noise by rubbing her legs

against...well, anything that moved.

Rose, look.

I can take care of myself,

but thank you very much for your little grasshopper story.

All right, but don't blame me

if you end up being rolled on the kitchen table and dipped in chocolate.

Done it, been there.

Well, as of today, I'm all paid up.

Already?

Sophia gave me time and a half

for doing dishes in my speedo.

Well, now that you're a free man,

what are your plans?

Actually, being with you has made me think

of getting out of this gigolo business.

‐Really? ‐Mm‐hmm.

Well, what would you do?

Well, my brother owns a hardware store

in my hometown Carlington, Indiana.

He's been trying to get me up there for years.

Maybe it's time to do that.

Oh, no, Nick, don't go.

Oh, we're having so much fun here.

Why don't you just stay here with me

while you look for a job.

Well, you can always help out around here.

Well, it has been nice.

Even if I do have the hands of a longshoreman.

Oh, your hands are much softer than theirs were.

(chuckles)

Besides, you won't have to wash any dishes.

What will I have to do?

Well, don't worry.

We'll find something.

Hey, Roland, you still got that book Ready, Willing, and Able?

All right, Chuy! I'm proud of you.

‐Actually, I want two copies. ‐Really? Why?

Yeah, so I can strap into my feet

while I walk across those stupid coals.

Come on, man.

Roland, don't hate me because I'm flammable.

Get off of me.

Oh, hey, Blanche, I just saw Nick by the pool

and I thought he was leaving.

No, he'll be staying at the hotel for a while.

Oh, Blanche.

Oh, it's okay.

Nick's given up the gigolo trade.

Really? How is he gonna make a living?

Well, I'll be taking care of his needs.

Gee, I hope he can adjust.

Oh...it's not like that.

Nick has turned over a new leaf. He's a changed man.

And I'm sure that in a little while,

Everybody's going to forget all about his shady past.

Hey, Blanche, where's the hooker?

Look, I don't care what anybody thinks.

I have found a man I really like.

You know, it's been a long time

since I went out with anybody this handsome

and you don't know what he's done for me.

So what if I have to take care of him?

I like buying him things.

And ultimately, it's none of your business.

No, Blanche, it is my business.

I mean, this guy takes advantage of women,

older women who give him everything they have

for a few cheap moments of tawdry sex.

I don't want you on that list.

That's just sheer jealousy,

and I'm not going to listen to another word.

Whoa. There's a list?

(all chanting) Chuy, Chuy, Chuy, Chuy, Chuy, Chuy,

Chuy, Chuy, Chuy, Chuy,

‐Chuy, Chuy‐‐ ‐What?

We're waiting.

Chuy, you can do this, man.

Your mind is more powerful than your fear.

You just have to keep saying to yourself,

"Cool, cool, cool."

You'll be fine.

Go ahead.

(all chanting) Chuy, Chuy, Chuy, Chuy,

Chuy, Chuy‐‐

Cool, cool, cool...

Hey, cool! (chuckles)

Hey, no. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

I did it!

I feel great!

That was great.

Okay, buddy, go get 'em.

(chuckles) You know, there's really no reason for me to do this.

I mean, I'm somebody who's already got his act together.

I'm already making my dreams come true, Chuy!

You're chicken, aren't you?

And I don't want to be barbecued chicken.

Hey, Roland, you can do anything, man.

Look at all you've accomplished, huh?

Okay, you may be a little bit scared...

Okay, you're not scared, okay.

But you've got the power and you're not a quitter.

Your feet hurt, don't they?

They're killing me.

But that's not the point.

If you want to make your dreams come true,

you've got to do this.

No, come on, man. I've got faith in you.

Come on, Roland, you can do this.

Get up and just think.

Concentrate.

(all chanting) Roland, Roland, Roland, Roland,

(groans)

All right. Good, man.

(groans)

It takes a brave man to do what you did, man.

‐Yeah. ‐Tell Nick I'll be at the pool.

A brave man or an old lady with no circulation in her feet.

Teeth as white as ivory.

Skin as smooth as marble.

Lips as succulent as fresh fruit.

That's beautiful.

Now let me tell you some of the things I like about me.

Breasts as pert and bouncy as...

Mary Lou Retton on a trampoline.

You really are a very special lady, Blanche.

Ooh. I think you're pretty special, too.

(chuckles)

I just wish...

Oh, never mind.

What? What is it?

(exhales) Well, Blanche,

now that I've turned over a new leaf,

it bothers me that you pay for everything.

‐Oh... ‐No.

Why am I letting you do it?

I hate myself for that.

Oh, you pay for my room, my food,

my suits, my shoes.

I didn't tell you to buy new shoes.

Well, I picked them up when I got the suit.

I just feel it's time for me to make a change,

So...I want to propose something to you.

Oh, Nick, what are you suggesting,

That we get married?

Oh, no, Blanche. I wasn't going to ask you to marry me.

I was going to propose that I go back to Indiana.

‐You what? ‐Oh, I love you, Blanche.

You're everything to me

and I want to prove my love to you by...

Raisin?

No, thank you.

‐You sure? ‐I'm fine.

'Cause it's amazing how something so wrinkly

can be so...tasty.

I said no, thank you.

How about an old prune?

‐Sophia. ‐That was a double entendre.

Yeah, I know. I know what it was.

Here. Here now. You just get out.

Get out. Get out. Get out.

Anyway, Blanche, I want to take care of you.

So I'm going to swallow my pride,

work in my brother's store,

save up some money, and come back for you.

Oh, Nick.

Oh, you don't know how happy this makes me.

Oh...

Whoops.

Want to pick that up, Nick?

Excuse me.

Bun‐derful.

Simply bun‐derful.

Here. Here. You get out of here.

‐Get out. ‐Oh, come on. That was clever.

Sophia.

Um, so when are you going to Indiana?

‐Tonight. ‐(gasps)

I just figure the sooner I go,

the sooner I can come back.

Oh, well, all right.

Well, do you have everything you need?

Oh, pretty much, pretty much.

This is ironic after what I just said.

I could use some money.

Oh, well, yeah. Sure. How much you need?

Oh, I was thinking a couple of thousand.

That much?

(chuckles) I don't want my brother

to think I've come crawling back.

Fifteen‐hundred?

Um, yeah, sure.

Um, I'll write you a check.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

‐Oh, yeah! ‐No, no.

‐I insist. ‐No, no, no.

Okay.

I'll go get some champagne, and we'll celebrate.

Ah. Okay.

I just wish I knew what I did

to deserve a woman like you.

Oh, well...

I'm not picking that up, Sophia.

Just the man I wanted to see. Come have a seat, Nick.

I'm afraid I can't, Rose.

Blanche and I are having dinner.

Oh, she won't mind. Come on, sit down.

I made some calls, and, uh...

I found out there's no such place as Carlington, Indiana.

Your hometown doesn't exist.

How do you explain that?

Okay, it doesn't exist.

You're not a gigolo, Nick.

You're a con artist.

And I have a feeling there are quite a few people who'd like to see you.

I'd hate to have to tell them where you are.

You're going to ruin this for me, aren't you, Rose?

Wait!

Can I at least say goodbye to Blanche?

Make it quick.

I did make her happy, you know.

I know.

I have to compliment you, Rose.

You're smarter than you look.

I wish I could believe that.

‐Mmm. ‐(laughs)

Here's the money you wanted.

Oh, and then some.

Well, I wanted to get you off to a good start,

it'll bring you back to me that much quicker.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm at a loss for words.

(chuckles)

Some words just came to me.

You know, I can't take your money,

Although, believe me, I'd love to.

But if I'm going to prove to you that I can make it on my own,

then I'd better get going.

So I'm going to leave behind

everything you bought me.

Even the shoes?

Surely you can take the shoes.

Oh.

No, I really can't.

Oh.

Well, I certainly do admire your determination.

(chuckles)

(exhales)

Oh, uh, wait.

I'm going to need more than these to tide me over.

Oh, look, it's almost time for my favorite show, Cops.

Got to go. I'll just slip out the back.

See you soon?

Yeah.

Did I interrupt something?

Ah, Nick's going home to Indiana

to work in his brother's hardware store.

Well, that's a surprise.

He's coming back for me when he's saved up enough money,

And I really love him.

I just hope he'll be alright.

He has no money. He has no shoes.

Oh, he'll be just fine, Blanche.

Nick: Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Just fine.