Original subtitles

I can't believe Metro news 1 is just forwarding you all this fan mail now.

I know. I quit, like, four months ago.

Wow, you had more fans than I thought.

And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.

What are these guys thinking? I am way past my dating prisoners phase.

It's like, hello, I'm not 19 anymore, you know?

Lottery girl's on.

I just feel sorry for these women. This is where broadcast careers go to die.

Check it out. I make it fun. I invented a little game.

Tonight's lotto numbers are...

Nineteen...

Age you moved to New York

after a photographer "discovered" you at a food court

and said he'd get you in vogue magazine.

Fifty-three...

Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you

before you realized he had no connection to vogue magazine.

Twenty-two...

Age you claim you are.

Thirty-one...

Age you actually are.

Forty-five.

Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab,

out of your dress, and into my jacuzzi.

And the super big ball is...

What happens after we get out of the jacuzzi

what up?

Older Ted: Kids, by the winter of 2009, Robin had been unemployed for months.

But there was a glimmer of hope.

Hey, how'd the audition go?

Well, I went in there feeling really good.

I heard it was just me up against two other girls.

Listening.

Hi.

Robin scherbatsky.

And you are?

You've obviously never spent any time in Denver.

Rochelle Harper, news center 12.

We were only the number one station in the rockies for five straight years.

I was an anchor here in town at Metro news 1.

Ooh, an anchor. You must have a killer signoff phrase.

I'm sorry?

You gotta have a killer signoff phrase.

Like Walter cronkite. "And that's the way it is."

So what's yours?

Well, I would just always end with a simple

"from all of us here at Metro news 1, have a good evening."

Mine is "from all of us here at Barney's apartment, get out."

You didn't let those reporter bitches psych you out, did you?

And the president's economic team is

hoping to have a proposal before congress

by the end of the month.

From all of us here at news 10, have a good evening.

So, good night, New York.

And may the road ahead be lit with dreams and tomorrows.

Which are lit with dreams, also.

Wow. That's terrible. And bad, also.

I wasn't done.

Stand tall, New York. Trustworthy. Recycling.

Wear a condom.

Wear a condom?

I'm not gonna be the new channel 10 anchor, am I?

Thisjust in. No.

Maybe the problem is your resume.

See how mine is lean and mean?

Yours is too cluttered.

Like everything on your resume is so relevant.

"Program director, 88.1 wesleyan university radio?"

Oh, god. Dr. X?

You're still bragging about Dr. X?

Who was Dr. X? Nobody knows.

He was this genius mystery dj.

It was Ted.

His identity remains a secret to this day.

It was Ted.

But this phantom of the airwaves changed the very face of college radio.

It was Ted. And your show sucked.

Ted: Dr. X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location.

Because if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.

You're on the third roor of the student center next to the game room, you tool.

I've been getting a lot of letters about my segment

on how racist the school's meal plan is.

How are you getting letters if no one knows where you are, douche?

That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the dining hall,

Monday at midnight.

It's high time the food service puppet masters

took ignorance and injustice off the menu.

Boy: Hey, Ted, we need a fourth for foosball.

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Dude, get out of here! I'll be there in a second.

So, remember, dining hall, Monday, midnight. Another Dr. X happening.

I'll be there, because x marks the spot-ot-ot-ot.

If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot.

This is weird. Look what got mixed in with your fan mail.

What?

It's from the us. Department of immigration.

It's postmarked two months ago.

Oh, boy. What is it?

It's about my work visa.

Unless I can find a job in the next seven days,

they're gonna send me back to Canada.

I can't believe you might be kicked out of the country.

I know. My whole life is here.

No. We won't let this happen.

I mean, one of us will help you find a job.

Yeah, I bet I can get you something at my school.

No, guys. Itdoesnt work that way.

Robin only gets her work visa if she gets a job in her field.

I mean, you know what? I guess you could stay if you married a us. Citizen.

Yeah, that could work.

No, no. They could never process that and

make it official in time. That won't work.

I'm screwed.

I've been sending out my reel for three months, and nothing.

Well, maybe there's something in your reel

that people aren't responding to.

Let's take a look at it, right?

That's a good question, norm.

Okay, the first thing is from when I was a cub reporter for channel 22 in red deer.

In alberta. In Canada.

All: Ooh.

Canada. Right.

Well, the snow's coming down pretty hard,

but these intrepid fishermen are still happy to be out competing,

in lake athabasca's bass fishing jamboree, an August 1st tradition.

Back to you, norm.

What? That was my firstjob. It shows where I came from.

Unless a bear attacks you in the next three seconds

and you snap its neck with your legs,

that has no business being on your reel.

No, no, I get it, I get it.

Where you're from is part of who you're selling.

For instance, under special skills on my resume,

I mention that back in Minnesota,

I was the 1995 nicollet county slam dunk champion.

You put dunk champion on your resume?

Yeah, why wouldn't you?

A lot of companies have basketball teams.

It's good for them to know

that vanilla thunder can still take the rock to the hole.

They called you vanilla thunder?

Yeah, vanilla thunder.

The ghost in the post. The human turnstile.

I didn't play that much d.

You can't still dunk.

Of course I can.

Well, I mean, I could, until recently.

Until the injury.

It's called iliopsoas tendonitis.

Yikes. That sounds bad.

It's more commonly known as dancer's hip.

Dr. Goodman...

Oh, come on! Iliopsoas tendonitis. That's what it's called.

That's all it's called.

Iliopsoas tendonitis. It's a basketball injury.

You know, it's no big whoop.

Dancer's hip, Marshall has something called dancer's hip.

Okay, no, no, okay.

They only call it that, look, because it's very common with ballet dancers.

So, tell me, do any of the other little girls

in your class have dancer's hip?

Yeah, sure.

I have more of atechmcalquesfion yes?

Is it easier to dance when you don't have external genhaha?

Good, don't build to that, just go right for it.

Guys, come on. Marshall didn't get this injury from dancing.

Thank you, Lily.

Clearly, the stirrups were set a little

too wide during his last trip to the gyno.

Guys, guys, I hate to cut you off before Marshall bursts into tears,

but, Robin, check this out. What you need is an awesome video resume.

Like mine. I present

barneysvideoresume.com.

Oh! Hello.

Ba me y: Barney Stinson, you've achieved great success

in business, athletics and personal relationships

and have been an inspiration to many people.

Is that you? Are you interviewing yourself?

How can it be me? That guy's British.

What would you recommend to your numerous admirers

who want to reach their highest potential?

And a wee bit Scottish.

The first thing you need to know about success is that it doesn't just come to you.

Most people associate success with money and power, but really, it's a state of mind.

You had to be on a motorcycle to say that?

And when it comes to success, the only limit is that there are no limits.

Hey, I didn't know you knew how to stand near a horse, that's impressive.

Barney, I don't get it.

You don't do a damn thing in any of these clips.

Exactly. Because that's who corporate america wants,

people who seem like bold risk takers,

but never actually do anything.

Actually doing things gets you fired.

In fact, I'm writing a book on this very phenomenon.

Really, you're writing a book?

No, that would be doing... Are you even listening?

All my life, I have dared to go past what is possible.

Ba me y: To the impossible?

Actually, past that,

to the place where the possible and the impossible meet to become

the possimpible.

The possimpible? Really?

Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision.

Visativity.

If I can leave you with one thought, it's this,

nothing and everything is possimpible.

Barney Stinson, Barney Stinson

that guy's awesome

is that you again? Are you singing a song about yourself?

Absolutely not. That would be lame.

Stinson, Barney Stinson singing this song

that would be really lame

one of the many admirers who think that guy's awesome

perfect and available

awesome, awesome, awesome awesome, awesome, awesome

awesome! Awesome!

Awesome, awesome, awesome awesome, awesome, awesome

awesome!

That baby got me 11 job offers.

Yeah. No. No way.

Barney, that was ridiculous and insane.

Insane-ulous.

Make me one. What?

Yes, now you're talking. What?

I'm about to be deported. I'll try anything.

Okay, we better get started. There's a lot to shoot,

and I don't think I can use any of the footage I already have of you.

What footage do you already have of me?

Let's just get started.

Sweetie, are you still upset about the dancer's hip jokes?

We were just kidding.

We all know it's a basketball injury.

Yeah, no, totally.

Lily, I have something I need to tell you.

What is it?

I dance more than you know.

What?

Idance, more than you know.

I don't know how to respond to that.

So, romn, what does being a reporter mean to you?

Well, ever since I was a little kid...

Cut!

Robin, you're getting bogged down in specifics.

I need you to just say vague, confident-sounding buzzwords,

like synergy and dynamism.

You can make up a word, like linkativity.

How will sounding like an idiot get me hired anywhere?

Okay, fine. Don't do it.

Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of

exciting stories to cover back in Canada.

I just read that the mayor of winnipeg's nephew went ice fishing

and caught himself a 16-pound walleye.

"Reporting live from the worst place in the world, I'm Robin scherbatsky."

Okay, fine. Roll camera.

Connectitude.

Loveit

transformatation. Earn it!

Linkativity!

Yeah, iinkativity's mine.

So, how much dancing are we talking about?

I don't... I guess I'd say medium.

Why are you dancing so much, and why don't I know about it?

It's something I do when I'm alone.

You know, like if something good happens,

I get excited and I need to move, and I just...

I don't know. I don't want to even talk about this anymore.

So that's how you injured your hip?

Hey, did you hear?

They're giving us a half day today. We can leave at 2:00.

Great! Thanks, herm.

Barney, these costumes are ridiculous.

Plus, the Amazon warrior Princess armor gave me a rash.

Cards on the table, you weren't the first lady to wear that in here.

But it conveyed power.

And so will this. What I need you to do now

is break these 15 bricks with your forehead.

What? But you didn't do a damn thing in your video.

You just stood near a horse and sat on a motorcycle.

That's because I'm a man. You're a woman.

The assumption is that you can't do anything.

But you have to prove society wrong.

I can't break 15 bricks with my forehead.

Robin, it's not 1950 anymore. Yes, you can.

I'm out of here. What? Why?

None of this is going to help me get a job.

I'm about to get kicked out of the country.

I know what I have to do.

Is this where the lottery girl auditions are?

Yeah, right here.

Older Ted: So, kids, your aunt Robin had reached her low point.

She was auditioning to be the lottery girl.

And tonight's lotto numbers are...

Hold it. Say the line before you press the button.

It builds the suspense.

It builds the suspense.

Okay.

And tonight's lotto numbers are...

Seventeen... stop her.

Hold it.

Why did she say it like that?

It's like she's not even happy about the 17 coming up.

She seems mean. Yeah, she seems super-mean.

Can you take another run at 17 for us?

Seventeen.

Okay, I don't even understand what she's doing.

Let me try something. All right.

Try being a little more wry.

Wry? About the number 17?

Wry, with a little bit of a...

Twinkle.

Twinkle.

Seventeen.

That was great!

Hey, marsh, I got you a light beer.

I know how you dancers are always counting calories.

It's not funny, all right?

The doctor says if it gets any worse, I might need surgery.

Vaginal rejuvenation surgery?

You know who didn't do a lot of operating on vaginas in cohege?

Who? Dr. X.

He did just fine! You know what?

Both of you geniuses need to take that weak-ass crap off your resumes.

I mean, you are not Dr. X anymore, and you cannot dunk anymore.

Let it go.

So Marshall and I are the only people at this table

with weak-ass crap on their resumes?

What are you implying?

Oh. Oh, wow. I don't know!

Doesthe date July 4th, 1995 mean anything to you?

You son of a bitch.

Time! And the new champion, with 29 hot dogs, Lily "the belly" aldrin!

How is that relevant to teaching kindergarten?

It teaches kids that I can eat a lot of hot dogs very quickly.

Yeah, but you can't do it anymore!

You can't dunk anymore, lady-hips!

How dare you! These hips can...

Guys, guys!

I didn't even get the lotto girl gig.

I have to move back to Canada.

I can't believe this.

I remember the night before I moved down here.

They threw a going-away party for me.

They gave me a camera so I could take pictures and send them home.

And everyone was so sure I was gonna be such a big success.

I'm really gonna miss you guys.

What happened?

Robin has to move back to Canada.

Oh, my god. How awful.

I mean, for one thing, it's gonna be a really long commute.

What do you mean?

I finished your video resume on my own,

messenger-ed it to every station in the city.

A guy from channel 8 called. He loved you.

He wanted you to come in and audition.

Oh, my god!

I told him no.

Robin scherbatsky doesn't audition.

He gives you the job or nothing.

So I got the job?

No. He cursed me out and hung up.

But then channel 12 called.

They also loved you.

They offered you a job hosting their new morning talk show.

Barney, that's amazing!

I told them to shove it. Dude!

Which only made them want you more.

So, theyjacked up their offer by 10%.

Congratulations, miss scherbatsky.

It looks like you're gonna have to stay.

You're not about to dance, are you?

No, I'm good. I'll do it later.

Oh, my god. How did you pull this off?

I am the master of the possimpible.

You really are. Thank you.

Older Ted: So, thanks to your uncle Barney,

we got to keep your aunt Robin.

There's so much stuff in my life

no room for me to grow

older Ted: And the rest of us decided

it was time to let some things go.

Well, except for Lily.

And time!

What's the count?

Thirty-three!

Under the waterfall

under the waterfall

it's cool and cold and clear

Why is no one coming to my happenings?