All language subtitles for Two.Pints.Of.Lager.And.A.Packet.Of.Crisps.S01E05.Lard.DVDRip-TheD

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:11,213 # Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink 2 00:00:11,421 --> 00:00:14,970 # I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it 3 00:00:16,661 --> 00:00:20,973 # And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now 4 00:00:21,141 --> 00:00:23,132 #Just think I'll wait a while 5 00:00:23,301 --> 00:00:26,452 # I'll have a pint of lager, please! 6 00:00:27,221 --> 00:00:30,133 # And a pack of flakeys # 7 00:00:33,741 --> 00:00:39,373 Did you hear about the farmer who took 40 Viagras thinking they were sleeping pills? 8 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:43,497 No. What happened? The poor man! Did his heart burst? 9 00:00:43,661 --> 00:00:45,970 Gaz, it's a joke. 10 00:00:46,141 --> 00:00:50,498 - Didn't hear that bit. Go on. - He went to bed and had 40 wanks. 11 00:00:52,341 --> 00:00:54,457 Class! 12 00:00:55,341 --> 00:00:58,253 I told you that joke, and you just shrugged. 13 00:00:58,421 --> 00:01:00,537 - So? - Well, you found it funnier 14 00:01:00,701 --> 00:01:04,250 than Michael Barrymore's elongated head when you told it. 15 00:01:04,421 --> 00:01:06,889 - Well, that's 'cause I told it. - Elongated head? 16 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:10,491 It's like he's trapped between lift doors. 17 00:01:11,141 --> 00:01:14,213 - Why didn't you laugh at me? - You're not funny. 18 00:01:14,381 --> 00:01:18,454 - And Jonny's joke had a farmer in it. - Jonny thinks I'm funny. 19 00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:22,899 Well, yeah. When you do that weird dance, it's pretty funny. 20 00:01:23,061 --> 00:01:25,575 I don't have a weird... Oh, my God! 21 00:01:25,741 --> 00:01:28,778 Are you talking about my hip-hop style? 22 00:01:29,101 --> 00:01:33,140 I thought that was really cool. You can be really unfair sometimes. 23 00:01:33,341 --> 00:01:38,096 - Women aren't meant to make jokes. - Why can't we? That's sexist. 24 00:01:38,301 --> 00:01:43,421 It's not that you can't, you just shouldn't. It takes attention away from your breasts. 25 00:01:43,621 --> 00:01:47,978 - What about French And Saunders? - Yeah, they've got big ones. 26 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,257 No, do you think they're funny? 27 00:01:50,421 --> 00:01:54,414 Their tits? Well, if they juggled them around a bit, I might. 28 00:01:54,621 --> 00:01:57,738 - What about Victoria Wood, then? - Tits in a tabard. 29 00:01:58,861 --> 00:02:01,580 - Lily Savage? - Please. 30 00:02:02,461 --> 00:02:04,656 Cracking legs, though. 31 00:02:06,461 --> 00:02:09,453 - Well, she has. - Pub. Now. 32 00:02:16,021 --> 00:02:18,819 This top don't look dirty, does it? 33 00:02:19,781 --> 00:02:22,249 - No. - Me mum used to do my washing, 34 00:02:22,421 --> 00:02:26,699 - but she saw I had a girlfriend. - Does she expect Donna to do it? 35 00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:30,860 No, you weren't listening. She SAW I had a girlfriend. 36 00:02:32,221 --> 00:02:34,337 She walked in? 37 00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:39,978 Can't look at me any more. Donna was cool, though. 38 00:02:40,141 --> 00:02:44,498 She just said, "Hello, Mrs Gaz. Would you like some chocolate body-gel?" 39 00:02:45,421 --> 00:02:49,209 - So what did you do? - Told her Donna was my cousin. 40 00:02:51,901 --> 00:02:56,611 - I need a replacement mother. - The solemn echo of single men everywhere. 41 00:02:57,581 --> 00:03:00,812 I need a sort of... chunky woman, you know, 42 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:04,212 who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath. 43 00:03:05,461 --> 00:03:10,455 - Why don't you make your own sandwiches? - No way. I do have me dignity. 44 00:03:10,981 --> 00:03:15,099 No. I'll manipulate her into being housekeeper and sandwich maker, 45 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:17,252 and she won't know a thing. 46 00:03:17,421 --> 00:03:19,457 I am the master of cunning. 47 00:03:19,621 --> 00:03:23,250 - How do you get Janet to do it? - She doesn't. 48 00:03:23,421 --> 00:03:25,412 Well, wouldn't you like her to? 49 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:31,099 Nah. I guess my only problem with Janet is that she swears a bit too much for a girl. 50 00:03:31,981 --> 00:03:36,577 Everyone needs to swear. What are you supposed to shout at Ricky Martin videos? 51 00:03:36,741 --> 00:03:41,371 She could read a book sometimes. Add a bit of intellect to the conversation. 52 00:03:41,581 --> 00:03:47,178 - You don't read books. - I read Alex Ferguson's life story. 53 00:03:47,381 --> 00:03:50,691 Only so you could change the words with a biro. 54 00:03:50,901 --> 00:03:55,417 "The crowd roared as I shat in what once had been the Queen's box." 55 00:03:55,621 --> 00:03:58,010 "Scholes left open his side of the bitch." 56 00:03:59,461 --> 00:04:02,578 And... I wish she'd wear more dresses. 57 00:04:02,781 --> 00:04:07,013 Hang on. Hang on. You want a girly-girl who reads books? 58 00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:08,614 Yeah. 59 00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:11,454 Who wears dresses and doesn't swear? 60 00:04:12,341 --> 00:04:14,650 - Yeah. - You fancy Louise. 61 00:04:16,541 --> 00:04:19,135 No, I don't. I love Janet. 62 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,452 No, you might love Janet, i.e. not hate her... 63 00:04:23,461 --> 00:04:25,452 but you really want Louise. 64 00:04:25,661 --> 00:04:30,576 No. No. She's too perfect for me, Louise. 65 00:04:30,741 --> 00:04:33,972 She's got perfect skin, 66 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:38,737 perfect hair, perfect... nostrils. 67 00:04:41,661 --> 00:04:43,891 My God! It can't be true. 68 00:04:44,261 --> 00:04:49,813 All right. All right. Think about Louise in her underwear. 69 00:04:49,981 --> 00:04:54,179 And it's, like... black leather underwear... 70 00:04:55,861 --> 00:04:58,216 with tassels. 71 00:04:59,101 --> 00:05:03,253 And she's saying, "Jonny, leave your girlfriend, 72 00:05:03,421 --> 00:05:07,175 "and come and live in my commune of naughty ladies." 73 00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:11,692 Thought about it? 74 00:05:13,141 --> 00:05:15,257 I'm going to the toilet. 75 00:05:17,861 --> 00:05:21,854 - OK, who wants to hear my joke? - 40 wanks? 76 00:05:22,061 --> 00:05:24,291 Two words isn't a joke. 77 00:05:24,461 --> 00:05:29,489 Unless it's, like, "Pretentious? Moi?" Now, that's funny. 78 00:05:30,221 --> 00:05:33,816 No, "40 wanks" is the punchline. There's more before that. 79 00:05:34,021 --> 00:05:36,296 Before the wanks? 80 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:39,658 What? Kissing and that? 81 00:05:39,821 --> 00:05:42,494 I'd expect at least a Pernod. 82 00:05:42,781 --> 00:05:47,650 Forget it. You've ruined it now, Louise. I'm going upstairs to find some joke books. 83 00:05:47,821 --> 00:05:52,372 I'm going to make you laugh until you die. Come on, Donna. 84 00:05:56,421 --> 00:05:58,651 Laugh until I die. 85 00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:02,892 (LAUGHS) 86 00:06:19,941 --> 00:06:22,091 - Louise. - (SCREAMS) 87 00:06:22,261 --> 00:06:24,650 - I'm sorry. I thought you were... - Dead? 88 00:06:24,821 --> 00:06:27,335 - Yes. - I was pretending. 89 00:06:27,501 --> 00:06:30,459 Janet said she was going to kill us. 90 00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:34,010 - How does she know? - Know what? 91 00:06:34,221 --> 00:06:35,973 Well, that I, um... 92 00:06:36,141 --> 00:06:39,258 I, um... ate all the pies. 93 00:06:42,421 --> 00:06:46,414 Jonny, can I ask you something personal? 94 00:06:47,261 --> 00:06:49,934 Erm, how personal? Above or below here? 95 00:06:51,141 --> 00:06:53,609 Oh, above. I wouldn't involve you in anything 96 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:58,650 that included the words "pelvic floor", "yeast infection" or "panty". 97 00:06:58,821 --> 00:07:01,938 - You'll make someone a great wife. - I know. 98 00:07:02,101 --> 00:07:04,410 - Jonny? - Yes? 99 00:07:04,581 --> 00:07:07,015 Do you think I have hairy arms? 100 00:07:08,181 --> 00:07:12,857 No, I think you've got perfect arms, like a work of art. 101 00:07:13,061 --> 00:07:16,656 You have arms like the Venus de Milo. 102 00:07:16,821 --> 00:07:21,736 Oh. Even so, I think I'll try some depilatory cream. 103 00:07:21,901 --> 00:07:26,372 You're an inoffensive, non-sexual man. You could come shopping with me. 104 00:07:28,821 --> 00:07:31,130 Erm... I don't know. Me and, um... 105 00:07:31,301 --> 00:07:33,940 - Janet? - Yes. We might be doing something, 106 00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:37,810 'cause she is my girlfriend that I go out with. 107 00:07:37,981 --> 00:07:41,576 - What was that about me? - Here she is! Isn't she great? 108 00:07:41,741 --> 00:07:43,732 We have sex! 109 00:07:44,421 --> 00:07:47,493 Jonny, shut up. Listen to my joke. 110 00:07:48,661 --> 00:07:53,530 OK. What is the difference between a nun praying and a nun having a bath? 111 00:07:55,221 --> 00:07:59,134 One has hope in her soul, and the other has... 112 00:08:00,181 --> 00:08:05,414 - Oh, forget it. I'll never be funny. - No, you'll just have to fall over more. 113 00:08:06,061 --> 00:08:10,020 Balloons are funny. Making things out of balloons. I love that. 114 00:08:10,221 --> 00:08:12,416 I can do that, Louise. 115 00:08:12,621 --> 00:08:15,010 Jonny, we don't have any balloons. 116 00:08:15,181 --> 00:08:17,331 Ah, Jonny's lovely, isn't he? 117 00:08:17,501 --> 00:08:21,892 He's going upstairs now to make some sort of poodle out of balloons. 118 00:08:22,061 --> 00:08:27,533 Or even one of those little sparkly things made of old stocking stuffed with newspaper. 119 00:08:28,701 --> 00:08:30,692 There. 120 00:08:31,541 --> 00:08:34,897 Oh, see how it twinkles in the light (!) 121 00:08:35,101 --> 00:08:37,410 Well, Louise said she liked them. 122 00:08:37,581 --> 00:08:42,177 I like balloon animals - sausage dogs and giraffes. 123 00:08:42,941 --> 00:08:47,412 I knew this guy once who made a balloon baby Jesus. 124 00:08:48,141 --> 00:08:51,531 All right, Louise. This is, er... um... 125 00:08:54,581 --> 00:08:56,219 A pig. 126 00:08:57,021 --> 00:09:01,970 But without legs, so it's disabled, and thus politically correct. 127 00:09:02,861 --> 00:09:06,979 (OINKS) Please look after me, Louise! 128 00:09:07,181 --> 00:09:09,570 - The farmer has eaten my legs! - Aah! 129 00:09:09,741 --> 00:09:11,459 Kiss-kiss. 130 00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:15,540 My God! It's all slimy! 131 00:09:16,661 --> 00:09:20,939 - Very intelligent, Jonny. - You want intelligence? Watch this. 132 00:09:21,781 --> 00:09:23,533 (HUMS) 133 00:09:23,741 --> 00:09:26,096 Ah! Ah! The Hindenburg disaster! 134 00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:29,412 Ah! Ah! Well, it's history, see? 135 00:09:29,621 --> 00:09:34,331 - That's a sick thing to do, Jonny. - A lot of people died there, Jonny. 136 00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:39,615 Yeah. Hey, Janet, can I take Jonny shopping with me for hair remover cream tomorrow? 137 00:09:58,261 --> 00:10:00,695 (MUSIC ON RADIO) 138 00:10:07,661 --> 00:10:09,697 I've been looking for that! 139 00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:13,689 - What is it? Comfort poultry? - No, it was from me mum. 140 00:10:13,861 --> 00:10:18,298 She always drops off her leftovers. Well, she used to, before the incident. 141 00:10:18,861 --> 00:10:24,652 - This is unhygienic. You might get mice. - Hey, maybe the mice could clean for me. 142 00:10:25,861 --> 00:10:29,490 "Bagpuss". Given so many children false hope. 143 00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,692 Yeah, I'm glad he got killed. 144 00:10:33,821 --> 00:10:38,212 - Bagpuss never got killed. - Oh, yeah. That was Tupac Shakur. 145 00:10:39,501 --> 00:10:42,095 - Anyway, some of this stuff's mine. - Yeah! 146 00:10:42,301 --> 00:10:45,099 Do you want me to give you a hand tidying up? 147 00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:46,819 - Really? - Yes. 148 00:10:47,741 --> 00:10:50,938 I don't have to secretly manipulate you at all? 149 00:10:51,101 --> 00:10:54,093 - 'Course not. - I am the master of cunning. 150 00:10:54,261 --> 00:10:56,252 Right, come on. 151 00:11:10,301 --> 00:11:15,534 - What are you doing now? - Arranging my porn into alphabetical order. 152 00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:18,169 From "Aardvarks and Men - a Lover's Guide" 153 00:11:18,341 --> 00:11:21,890 right through to "X-Rays of Love". 154 00:11:22,101 --> 00:11:25,491 Now you're annoying me, so go out. I'll do it myself. 155 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,052 I am the master of cunning. 156 00:11:30,421 --> 00:11:32,855 Will you stop worrying, mate? 157 00:11:33,061 --> 00:11:37,657 Did you know "monogamy" is an anagram of "no go, mamy"? 158 00:11:40,301 --> 00:11:44,419 - Why "mamy"? - The Black and White Minstrels said it. 159 00:11:44,581 --> 00:11:47,379 What about "trust and love"? 160 00:11:49,061 --> 00:11:52,736 "Don't... rave, slut". 161 00:11:53,661 --> 00:11:57,859 Not the anagram. The real stuff - trust and love. 162 00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:02,811 Couldn't tell you about that. I could tell you about manipulation, though. 163 00:12:02,981 --> 00:12:09,580 I am the master of cunning. As we speak, Donna is reorganising my porn by smell. 164 00:12:11,421 --> 00:12:14,299 I think... I'm in love with Louise. 165 00:12:15,261 --> 00:12:19,698 - And you want Janet to let you give her one? - Yeah... No! 166 00:12:19,861 --> 00:12:22,853 Everybody has more than one woman in their lives. 167 00:12:23,661 --> 00:12:26,698 - Not me. I've never cheated. - No, you misunderstood. 168 00:12:26,861 --> 00:12:31,218 - Number one is Mummy. - And I have never shagged my mummy. 169 00:12:32,181 --> 00:12:37,016 No! She's a safe woman, the one you run to when number two dumps you. 170 00:12:37,221 --> 00:12:39,689 - And woman number two is. - Janet. 171 00:12:39,861 --> 00:12:42,614 And at the moment, you've got number three - Louise. 172 00:12:43,461 --> 00:12:46,294 Does that mean I get to slip her one? 173 00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:50,898 No, she's just your girlfriend's sexy mate - a bathroom buddy. 174 00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:53,177 Right. So, who else? 175 00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:56,134 Well, there's thousands of them. Let's see... 176 00:12:56,301 --> 00:12:59,577 There's the ones who you know fancy you, the ego-boosters. 177 00:12:59,781 --> 00:13:05,378 Oh, yeah, like that fat woman who runs the flower stall that I always imagine naked. 178 00:13:05,541 --> 00:13:07,691 Naked and running. 179 00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:11,210 Best keeping that one to yourself, mate. 180 00:13:12,021 --> 00:13:15,297 Thing is, I'm going shopping with Louise this afternoon. 181 00:13:15,501 --> 00:13:18,095 Well then, there's your chance. 182 00:13:18,261 --> 00:13:21,571 Try telling her. If she vomits on you, obsession cured. 183 00:13:21,781 --> 00:13:26,172 - What if she tells Janet? - Girls don't tell each other these things! 184 00:13:27,101 --> 00:13:29,820 Girls are loyal to men. 185 00:13:32,181 --> 00:13:35,059 How do you get red wine off mirrors? 186 00:13:35,221 --> 00:13:37,781 With your tongue. 187 00:13:39,821 --> 00:13:41,857 - How about this one? - Go on. 188 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:44,012 A naked nun is having a bath... 189 00:13:44,181 --> 00:13:46,536 - Is this the blind man joke? - You've heard it? 190 00:13:46,741 --> 00:13:51,576 Nuns themselves would throw their special vegetables at you. 191 00:13:51,781 --> 00:13:55,660 Nuns don't have special vegetables. They have normal ones. 192 00:13:55,861 --> 00:13:59,615 I think you'll find they have very special vegetables. 193 00:13:59,821 --> 00:14:03,131 - Mum, you shouldn't eavesdrop. - It's my job, dear. 194 00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:06,452 - If it wasn't you, it'd be Katie. - Listen to her, then. 195 00:14:06,661 --> 00:14:11,610 Oh, God, no! All she talks about is whether or not she's pregnant this month. 196 00:14:11,781 --> 00:14:13,772 I'd rather watch "Quincy". 197 00:14:13,981 --> 00:14:17,257 Have you not told her about birth control? 198 00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:20,891 I am a connoisseur of bedroom oopsies. 199 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,177 You were one yourself, you know? 200 00:14:23,381 --> 00:14:27,613 If I'd gone t'doctor's instead of Magaluf, you wouldn't be here now. 201 00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:30,540 Oh, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. 202 00:14:31,181 --> 00:14:33,615 If it's jokes you want, I'm your woman. 203 00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:38,218 I was known as the "wisecracking wag" during my days on the stage. 204 00:14:38,421 --> 00:14:40,651 Sure it wasn't the "sure-fire shag"? 205 00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:48,292 Thanks for helping me choose. I mean, there's so much choice. 206 00:14:48,461 --> 00:14:53,740 Gels, wax, strips. And what was that revolting yellow stuff in cling film? 207 00:14:54,621 --> 00:14:57,533 - That was a Boots' Shapers salad. - Ah. 208 00:14:58,621 --> 00:15:01,419 - Jonny? - Yes, Louise? 209 00:15:01,621 --> 00:15:05,899 - Remember when you shook me back to life? - Yes, I remember. 210 00:15:06,101 --> 00:15:08,376 You touched my booby. 211 00:15:08,581 --> 00:15:10,697 (GIGGLES) 212 00:15:10,861 --> 00:15:14,217 I wouldn't have noticed. I'm sorry, I really am. 213 00:15:14,421 --> 00:15:19,211 That's OK. You wouldn't have done it on purpose, not with you being... 214 00:15:25,541 --> 00:15:27,020 Jonny... 215 00:15:27,821 --> 00:15:30,255 Kissed... me... you... did. 216 00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:37,699 - Eurrghh! - I beg your pardon? 217 00:15:38,461 --> 00:15:44,331 Well, I said, "Eurrghh!", but what I meant was, "Bleurrgh!" 218 00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:47,220 You taste of lard. 219 00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:51,056 But you kissed me. That means you fancy me more than Janet. 220 00:15:51,221 --> 00:15:54,019 No. Didn't you hear what I said? Bleurrgh! 221 00:15:54,181 --> 00:15:58,857 It's like kissing the bits they sucked out of Roseanne Barr. 222 00:15:59,061 --> 00:16:04,772 I'm going home to Janet. She tastes of spearmint... and usually lager. 223 00:16:14,221 --> 00:16:18,578 - All right, Gaz. - Thank God for that. I'm so bored. 224 00:16:18,781 --> 00:16:23,172 Donna's locked me out. She's got rid of that smell of halibut, 225 00:16:23,341 --> 00:16:27,129 but she won't let me back in till it's perfect. 226 00:16:27,941 --> 00:16:30,853 Oh, you got flowers for me, mate! 227 00:16:31,021 --> 00:16:33,933 No. These are for Janet. 228 00:16:34,101 --> 00:16:38,777 - That's very generous. - Nah, not at all. There was a fresh grave. 229 00:16:41,021 --> 00:16:43,819 - So, you done Louise, then? - No. No. 230 00:16:43,981 --> 00:16:47,656 - No... She tastes funny. - What do you mean? 231 00:16:49,261 --> 00:16:51,252 She tastes of lard. 232 00:16:53,061 --> 00:16:56,451 I think we need to have a little talk about women. 233 00:16:56,621 --> 00:17:02,014 Sometimes women need a little bit of lubrication, know what I mean? 234 00:17:02,181 --> 00:17:06,140 And if Louise chooses lard, who are we to be picky? 235 00:17:06,301 --> 00:17:09,338 No, no, no! I didn't... 236 00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:13,096 No, I just kissed her, and she tastes rank. 237 00:17:13,261 --> 00:17:18,574 Really. Really, she does. And it's totally put me off. I'm cured. 238 00:17:18,781 --> 00:17:24,299 Good. I can start fantasising about her again without your face interfering. 239 00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,897 And now I've got the added bonus of lard. 240 00:17:28,101 --> 00:17:33,050 - I'm thinking of telling Janet. - Not fond of your genitals, then? 241 00:17:33,221 --> 00:17:37,897 - They're all right. Why? - Girlfriends don't like you kissing friends. 242 00:17:38,061 --> 00:17:41,736 It makes them somewhat... hell bitches. Don't tell her. 243 00:17:41,901 --> 00:17:44,131 Nah, nah. Janet won't mind. 244 00:17:44,341 --> 00:17:48,095 All right. You can tell her. She's coming down with Donna. 245 00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:51,970 - I thought they might dance for me. - Oh. The jukebox is broke. 246 00:17:52,141 --> 00:17:55,178 - You'll have to sing again. - You do backing? 247 00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:58,572 'Ere y'are... # Kumbaya, my Lord 248 00:17:58,741 --> 00:18:01,494 # Kumbaya... # 249 00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:03,692 (IMITATES DRUM MACHINE) 250 00:18:06,021 --> 00:18:09,855 # One time! Kumbaya! # Someone's sleeping, Lord... # 251 00:18:10,021 --> 00:18:12,854 - Beautiful, isn't it? - Yep. Male bonding... 252 00:18:13,061 --> 00:18:15,211 the greatest tragedy of our time. 253 00:18:15,381 --> 00:18:17,576 - Apart from Jimmy Savile. - Well, yeah. 254 00:18:17,741 --> 00:18:21,620 - I'll get these. - # Someone's singing, Lord, kumbaya # 255 00:18:21,781 --> 00:18:23,772 - Hello. - All right. 256 00:18:23,941 --> 00:18:28,139 You're going to love the flat now. It's like a place of tranquil... 257 00:18:28,301 --> 00:18:30,769 Well, it's got the essence of... 258 00:18:31,101 --> 00:18:34,855 Well, we can do it in the bed instead of the fire escape. 259 00:18:36,061 --> 00:18:40,213 Janet. Janet, come and sit here. I've got a surprise for you. 260 00:18:40,381 --> 00:18:44,215 - Is it the flowers? - Yes. Surprise over. Let's get pissed. 261 00:18:44,421 --> 00:18:47,458 - Gaz! - Right. Listen. I've got a joke. 262 00:18:47,661 --> 00:18:51,176 - Please don't. Please shut up! - No. Shh! OK, listen. 263 00:18:51,341 --> 00:18:55,778 "Doctor, I am obsessed with wife swapping." Doctor says, "How does your wife feel?" 264 00:18:55,981 --> 00:19:00,691 Patient says, "Oh, really firm and juicy. How about yours?" 265 00:19:02,581 --> 00:19:04,572 Oh, come on! That is funny. 266 00:19:04,781 --> 00:19:07,500 - Someone stop her. - She's been like this all afternoon. 267 00:19:07,661 --> 00:19:10,300 - Please don't say more. - Shh! Listen! OK. 268 00:19:10,461 --> 00:19:13,259 "Doctor, I don't find my wife attractive any more." 269 00:19:13,421 --> 00:19:16,015 Doctor says, "I could recommend a good psychiatrist." 270 00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:18,974 Patient says, "You know one with big tits?" 271 00:19:21,541 --> 00:19:25,011 - Come on! Laugh! They're funny. - Please shut her up. 272 00:19:25,221 --> 00:19:27,894 - This one you will love. OK. - Oh, why?! 273 00:19:28,061 --> 00:19:30,416 "Doctor, do you have anything for diarrhoea?" 274 00:19:30,621 --> 00:19:32,612 Jonny got off with Louise. 275 00:19:32,781 --> 00:19:34,578 What?! 276 00:19:35,461 --> 00:19:37,099 Gaz! 277 00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:39,297 I... 278 00:19:39,461 --> 00:19:41,133 Oh, I... 279 00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:47,499 Take that, you leftover monkey DNA! 280 00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:53,140 Ow! 281 00:19:53,301 --> 00:19:55,292 (SQUEALS) 282 00:19:58,061 --> 00:20:00,052 (PHONE RINGS) 283 00:20:02,821 --> 00:20:04,937 Hello? Oh, hi, Janet. 284 00:20:05,101 --> 00:20:07,296 (JANET BABBLES) 285 00:20:07,461 --> 00:20:09,452 All right, then. 286 00:20:11,061 --> 00:20:13,291 I'm going to the boys' pub. 287 00:20:21,661 --> 00:20:24,016 (GROWLS) 288 00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:29,298 (GROWLS) 289 00:20:31,861 --> 00:20:34,773 - Janet... - Lard does not make it OK. 290 00:20:34,981 --> 00:20:39,577 Yeah, that's what I said when Gaz wanted to bum-love me. 291 00:20:46,021 --> 00:20:48,854 - I didn't enjoy it. - He didn't, you know. 292 00:20:49,061 --> 00:20:51,256 Even got over his obsession about her. 293 00:20:53,541 --> 00:20:55,372 (MUTTERS) 294 00:20:55,541 --> 00:20:58,692 OK. We've all thought about our friends' partners. 295 00:20:58,861 --> 00:21:03,139 - I bet you've thought about Gaz. - No, not in that way. 296 00:21:03,301 --> 00:21:07,453 Not in a naked way... Well, OK, in a naked way. 297 00:21:08,381 --> 00:21:10,417 Thanks. 298 00:21:10,581 --> 00:21:14,290 - Was I well endowed? - Well, I can't really rem... Shut up! 299 00:21:14,461 --> 00:21:18,374 I don't want to think about it! But I never kissed Gaz. 300 00:21:19,141 --> 00:21:22,338 We can even the score now, if you like. 301 00:21:22,501 --> 00:21:26,335 - What about me? - Well, you could kiss Jonny. 302 00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:32,300 - What about me? - You'd carry on with me, 303 00:21:32,461 --> 00:21:35,339 but we'd have to include Louise somewhere. 304 00:21:36,501 --> 00:21:37,900 Louise! 305 00:21:38,061 --> 00:21:41,337 Oh, my God! What have you done to her? 306 00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:46,137 It wasn't him. I had an allergic reaction to the hair-removing cream. 307 00:21:46,341 --> 00:21:51,131 - Oh, OK. Well, then, I'm going to... - Whoa! Whoa! 308 00:21:51,301 --> 00:21:55,294 OK. OK, I'm fine. Calm, see? 309 00:21:57,021 --> 00:22:00,775 She won't know what to do, anyway. Just let her go. 310 00:22:04,421 --> 00:22:06,810 What? 311 00:22:06,981 --> 00:22:09,654 I don't know. Oh, here. 312 00:22:12,101 --> 00:22:17,459 But what I do know is this - each one of you has betrayed my trust. 313 00:22:17,661 --> 00:22:23,577 Louise, you have the morals of a magpie from the same gene pool as Anthea Turner. 314 00:22:23,741 --> 00:22:29,657 Gaz, you probably encouraged Jonny, so you deserve to be pissed on by the Grumbleweeds. 315 00:22:29,821 --> 00:22:35,418 And Donna, you knew about this and didn't tell me. That's the worst of all. 316 00:22:35,581 --> 00:22:39,335 - Excuse me! I didn't know. - Well, you should've done. 317 00:22:39,501 --> 00:22:42,618 I discovered Gaz's dwarf porn minutes before I told you. 318 00:22:42,821 --> 00:22:46,257 Will you call them "vertically-challenged"? 319 00:22:46,421 --> 00:22:48,412 "Dwarf" is a bit offensive. 320 00:22:48,621 --> 00:22:52,580 And, Jonny, well, you just have bad hair. 321 00:22:55,821 --> 00:22:58,210 What? What are you laughing at? 322 00:22:58,421 --> 00:23:00,651 It's funny. You're good at insulting people. 323 00:23:00,861 --> 00:23:02,533 Yeah. Go on. Do me again. Do me. 324 00:23:04,501 --> 00:23:06,731 - Come on. - OK. OK, um... 325 00:23:06,901 --> 00:23:11,452 Well, Gaz, if you weren't with Donna, I know a packet of Kleenex with personality. 326 00:23:17,461 --> 00:23:22,091 OK, and open your eyes... now! 327 00:23:31,501 --> 00:23:34,698 It's like being inside a Care Bear. 328 00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:38,249 Do you like it? I got it all from Oxfam. 329 00:23:39,261 --> 00:23:41,695 Have they got a sale on for utter crap? 330 00:23:43,221 --> 00:23:45,291 What have you done?! 331 00:23:45,461 --> 00:23:47,975 I've tidied it, like I said. 332 00:23:48,141 --> 00:23:53,295 You haven't tidied. You've turned my manly abode into a toilet roll advert! 333 00:23:53,501 --> 00:23:56,299 Listen, there's nothing wrong with the feminine touch. 334 00:23:56,501 --> 00:24:00,414 The feminine touch is cleaning the bath, buying groceries and the occasional hand-job. 335 00:24:00,581 --> 00:24:05,371 This isn't the feminine touch. This is a feminine headlock! 336 00:24:05,541 --> 00:24:10,456 My God! I threw away all my principles and I tidied your flat! 337 00:24:10,621 --> 00:24:14,899 I bought you loads of new stuff. There's even some fudge in the fridge. 338 00:24:15,101 --> 00:24:17,410 It's girl food!! 339 00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:21,051 - And this is how you repay me. - It's a shock! 340 00:24:21,221 --> 00:24:25,931 It's like being told you're going to die, only more pink. 341 00:24:26,101 --> 00:24:28,376 Look! Look! It's clean, isn't it? 342 00:24:28,541 --> 00:24:34,411 I thought you'd do me housework, like me mum, and also be a willing sexual partner. 343 00:24:34,581 --> 00:24:36,776 - Gaz? - What? 344 00:24:40,821 --> 00:24:43,210 Don't forget your fudge! 345 00:24:43,901 --> 00:24:45,698 (DOOR SLAMS) 346 00:24:45,861 --> 00:24:47,658 Me porn! 347 00:24:53,101 --> 00:24:57,094 (WAILS) Nooooo!! 348 00:24:57,301 --> 00:25:01,852 Why shouldn't you change a man's home? It was so much nicer. 349 00:25:02,021 --> 00:25:08,654 It was nicer for you, but a man needs his own space, away from us... 350 00:25:08,821 --> 00:25:12,336 even from a woman as alluring as me. 351 00:25:13,021 --> 00:25:14,739 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 352 00:25:14,941 --> 00:25:17,091 Katie, it's open. 353 00:25:20,341 --> 00:25:24,095 Gary, love... Come on in. 354 00:25:26,021 --> 00:25:28,819 Have you come to see Donna... or me? 355 00:25:30,701 --> 00:25:33,010 I've come to see Donna. We need to talk. 356 00:25:33,781 --> 00:25:35,772 Yeah? 357 00:25:39,981 --> 00:25:42,370 Mum, can we have a bit of privacy, please? 358 00:25:42,581 --> 00:25:48,053 All right, I'm sorry. I'll go and listen from the living room. 359 00:25:51,141 --> 00:25:53,974 - Can I sit down? - Well, I don't know. 360 00:25:54,141 --> 00:25:57,975 Maybe the chairs are too feminine. This one's going through the menopause. 361 00:25:58,181 --> 00:26:01,457 - Donna, I'm sorry. - What? 362 00:26:01,621 --> 00:26:03,930 - I was wrong. - Are you pissed? 363 00:26:04,901 --> 00:26:07,017 Yeah, but I'm still sorry. 364 00:26:08,421 --> 00:26:10,810 Right. And you're after a shag? 365 00:26:10,981 --> 00:26:13,700 Yeah, but I'm actually sorry. 366 00:26:13,861 --> 00:26:16,898 You're sorry? God, I'm good at this guilt thing. 367 00:26:17,101 --> 00:26:19,092 No, no. It's not that. 368 00:26:19,261 --> 00:26:22,810 It's just that when you left, I realised it wasn't that bad. 369 00:26:23,021 --> 00:26:27,492 - But you still threw it out, right? - Well, yeah. 370 00:26:27,661 --> 00:26:31,415 But I started thinking about us. 371 00:26:31,581 --> 00:26:36,211 And I sort of realised I didn't want to lose you over something so stupid. 372 00:26:37,501 --> 00:26:41,494 - Yeah? - But then I carried on thinking, 373 00:26:41,661 --> 00:26:45,779 and then my brain started hurting, so I made a sandwich. 374 00:26:45,941 --> 00:26:49,934 Then I thought some more and I come to the conclusion... 375 00:26:54,461 --> 00:26:58,454 I love you, Donna. Please forgive me. 376 00:27:07,461 --> 00:27:09,452 Yes, yes, yes! 377 00:27:10,981 --> 00:27:14,576 Hey, you'll be moving out soon! 378 00:27:14,741 --> 00:27:16,732 Or even getting married. 379 00:27:16,901 --> 00:27:19,210 I've always suited hats. 380 00:27:19,381 --> 00:27:21,611 Oh, Mum. 381 00:27:22,701 --> 00:27:24,896 Master of cunning. 382 00:27:31,021 --> 00:27:38,097 You know, if I hadn't have kissed Louise, you'd have never got over that joke business. 383 00:27:38,261 --> 00:27:40,456 - Mm-hmm. - So... 384 00:27:40,621 --> 00:27:45,137 - in a way, it was good that I kissed her. - Mm-hmm. 385 00:27:46,021 --> 00:27:50,412 But you've got a really angry-looking back, so I'll retract that. 386 00:27:50,581 --> 00:27:54,938 Nope. I'm not angry any more. I've had my revenge. 387 00:27:55,781 --> 00:27:58,898 What? Saying I had bad hair? Excellent (!) 388 00:27:59,061 --> 00:28:02,212 No... I snogged Louise. 389 00:28:02,381 --> 00:28:05,498 And actually, I think it's more mediciney than lardy. 390 00:28:05,661 --> 00:28:09,370 - Is that all? - What do you mean? Aren't you jealous? 391 00:28:09,541 --> 00:28:15,411 No. Well... 'Cause, you see, I touched her booby, so I think I'm ahead of you. 392 00:28:15,581 --> 00:28:17,776 What?! Right! 393 00:28:17,941 --> 00:28:20,774 Louise! Get your tits out! 394 00:28:23,861 --> 00:28:26,853 # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # 395 00:28:28,141 --> 00:28:30,974 Why is life so big? 396 00:28:32,661 --> 00:28:37,132 - How do you feel? - It's not definite, though. 397 00:28:37,301 --> 00:28:40,134 Well, it is a possibility. 398 00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:42,337 How could you let this happen? 399 00:28:42,501 --> 00:28:47,416 I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive. 400 00:28:51,301 --> 00:28:54,737 # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # 33203

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