Original subtitles

[Rider] Make it a big one, come on!

The earl likes his athletes.

I've only just started Mr. Jarvis.

I am hardworking and ambitious.

George Cosmo, your servant.

Wasting your time with her,

she's too good for you.

The Coliseum, by a local artist.

I am gonna be under-butler,

you've lost mate, shame.

[George winces]

You, no pay for a month,

you, ditto.

Not under-butler after all?

I'll get over it.

You'll have to learn to behave yourself then.

I'll be as good as gold from now on, I promise.

[upbeat fiddle music]

[George huffs]

[upbeat fiddle music]

But no, no,

please, no more battle honours,

it was merely 22 bloodthirsty savages.

Ha, 47 bloodthirsty savages.

Is there a problem Cosmo?

Mr. Cosmo?

[upbeat fiddle music]

I am no hero, I'm just an ordinary-

[Mr. Jarvis] Cosmo, what's going on?

Just coming sir.

All done Mr. Cosmo?

Catching the breeze nicely sir,

strings are all knotted.

Good lad,

first thing he'll look for when he comes up that drive.

Is that the best jacket you've got?

Mrs. Ryan said if I pass my probation.

We'll see after this visit then, shall we?

We've got a brand new livery just waiting for a new owner.

Thank you sir.

You tell the others, one minute.

Go on.

And then all hell breaks loose.

[William] Are you with us Fred?

I don't know were I am.

God, I love the hunting season.

And the Francombes make best tippers going.

Make yourself noticed and earn yourself a packet.

And the Francombe girls,

they like a big, strong lad at the door,

if you know what I mean.

They like 'em fair mate, so that rules you out.

[they laugh]

There's a maid, at Crown House,

pulls her skirt over

so she's got a whole ruffle of petticoats showing.

And she crosses her legs.

She does, seen her.

She's no better than she should be, that one.

Neaten yourself up Grace,

anything a bit out of place today

and they'll send you packing.

Not you an all?

I've just had Mr. Jarvis clucking like an old hen.

Given the choice

between Beelzebub visiting and Mr. Prothero?

Ah, Prothero?

He's only a butler though, in't he?

Arch-enemies, always have been.

[George] Mr. Jarvis said I'm past the probation.

Ah, good for you,

if you did.

He did, as good as Grace.

Ah, as good as.

That's you all over, innit,

can't open your trap without spinning a yarn.

[upbeat Baroque music]

It's an informal dinner

for the master's oldest friends,

so there will only be a few visiting servants.

We all know they'll be hoping to pick up tit-bits of scandal

to brighten up their dull lives, don't we,

so we will have no gossip,

no tittle-tattle about the family,

just as we will have

no sloppiness, backchat, or drunkenness.

[upbeat fiddle music]

[Flora] Susan?

My room please.

Yes Mrs. Ryan.

Their butler is of course my old friend Mr. Prothero.

[the servants groan]

We will show him, will he not,

Grace?

[Mr. Jarvis] how a household of quality conducts itself.

His poor wretches will leave here

wishing to God they were Taplow staff.

[he clicks]

Right gentlemen, front door duty,

Frederick, that's you.

Try and look awake, son.

The rota for valeting the weekend's guests

is up in the footman's room.

Off the top of my head,

Frederick, you have the old lord.

Now the first shoot's on Monday,

make sure that your gentlemen have...

Is there a problem Mr. Forrest?

Maybe you think you should be standing where I'm standing,

saying what I'm saying?

No, no, no, I'd never but that bonkers

to imagine that I should be in your place.

[he laughs]

Would you not?

Well look on this as a warning,

[William groans]

a warning that your obvious contempt and dislike

has returned in full, and then doubled.

And just for good measure, Mr. Forrest,

you will assist the earl as usual.

Frederick will look after the old lord,

and therefore Frederick will get all the tips.

You heard Mr. Jarvis, now jump to it.

That's just earned you a job you really won't like.

Get your walking shoes on.

You're only the sodding under-butler,

where do you get off talking to me like that?

A few errands.

I'm waiting on his lordship.

You're waiting on me boy.

Joseph, get yourself up to that breakfast room.

Now, Miss Harriet's lace, the fishmonger, and the saddler,

or would you rather argue your cause with Mr. Jarvis?

Well?

[tense music]

What's wrong?

Nothing, everything's just lovely,

bloody Fred'll end up with five bob for doing sod all,

and I've gotta walk bloody miles.

Your Frank, Grace-

He's not my Frank anymore.

Come on.

Do you mind Will?

Will?

I did a few trips to town for him, to the fish man.

I know there was a scam going on.

Ask someone else, I'm busy.

Come on Grace, be a mate.

No, I've gotta get Lord Harry's breakfast.

Will!

What was he up to with the fishmonger?

Chef always orders the best,

but he don't know a piece of cod from a Southsea kipper.

[William] Right?

So Frank told him what he wanted to hear.

[Harry moans]

It's all right Harry.

He likes expensive stuff, does chef,

but the fishmonger can't always come up with the goods.

God Will, how thick are you?

I've left his porridge on the stove Will, let us go.

Esther?

Are you listening at doors again?

I'm walking past,

that is allowed, is it?

[crockery clatters]

Shit!

[Grace] Harry, it's all right.

Oh no.

Look at it, look what you made me do,

they're gonna kill me.

[Grace] Just be quiet, it's not all broken.

[Esther] Oh no, oh no.

Are we running a beer garden?

Hell's teeth and buckets o' blood lassie,

what have you done?

She didn't mean to,

she was just rushing to Harry and she bumped into me.

It's all right Grace,

I'll tell Mrs. Ryan it was just an accident.

You, follow me.

[melancholy music]

The Derby service?

Oh Grace, not the Derby service.

I was nowhere near her Mrs. Ryan.

You were at her feet miss.

When she dropped everything, I was...

Esther turned round and-

Have you any idea

how much a single plate from that service is worth?

We'll have a plate a week off you, starting now.

Make a list, Grace,

and resign yourself to a very small income

for the foreseeable future.

Miss.

Chef's determined to pay to whack, so let him.

He pays through the nose, and that makes him happy,

we help Llewelyn to fool him with the cheap stuff,

that makes us happy, yeah?

But Andrew sent you?

Yeah, but what the eye doesn't see.

Go to Llewelyn's and tell him it goes on,

new faces, same old deal.

We'll even get the stuff past chef.

Why can't you go?

I don't walk to the village.

Anyway, I made a promise.

[George] What, Esther Spicer?

[Fred] Excuse me.

I'm like a bloody threat.

You know she landed Grace May right in the shit?

You wanna stay out of the girls' stuff George,

it's all teeth, and hair, and hair-pulling.

Look, we could be onto a good thing here,

think of it, every week.

Until we get caught.

How?

Would you know the difference

between someone from Scotland and one from Wales?

The accent.

You could do with the extra cash couldn't you?

Yeah.

I was nowhere near her when she dropped that tray.

A plate a week?

By the time I've sent my mum her share

and paid Mrs. Ryan,

I'm gonna be working for bloody nothing.

Well we counted the pieces,

three cups, two saucers-

Yeah, for months and months.

Oh, William Forrest.

And a gravy dish.

He must have seen I was nowhere near her.

Why didn't he say anything?

Well he wouldn't, would he,

footmen being liars from birth.

Not all of us love.

Maybe he was looking the other way.

No, he saw,

he just wouldn't say anything, would he,

and we all know why.

I just hope she gives him the clap.

Will!

[William] Don't start buggering about.

That tray.

[William] You do pick your moment

You're not gonna say anything, are you?

[William groans]

Are you?

[William groans]

* I have kissed them all and found them fine *

* Dora, Jane, and Prue,

* But Gracie, how my heart doth pine *

* For a little taste of you.

Lady Francombe must have three tepid baths a day,

Lord Francombe insists that all the family,

including all the servants,

have a glass of egg flip every morning.

No, I will not make that slop.

Prothero makes it, at his master's insistence.

Ah, it gets better,

their dog requires five walks a day,

not exceeding a mile, and not less than 20 minutes in time.

My men love nothing more than mincing along

with a bloody lap dog.

Oh I don't know about that,

there is a few footmen who might enjoy it.

And finally, the senior servants will be arriving

sometime this morning from London.

[upbeat jocular music]

Very small trees: new money.

I'm sure they've got nothing we haven't got, Mr. Prothero.

Well he's an arrogant man, Mrs. Fraser.

I believe so.

It's not something I'm proud of,

and certainly not something I want bandied about,

I would never.

I applied for the position at Taplows.

He, I'm sure,

knows it, revels in it.

Every time I think I've made myself his equal,

he proves me wrong.

[upbeat jocular music]

You know the thing he can't stand?

Joviality.

[upbeat jocular music]

Mrs. Ryan.

Mr. Prothero.

Walter.

Jarvis.

Of course, Jarvis.

I believe the slaves in the Americas do the same,

change their names to please their masters.

Agnes, very good to see you.

My other men are just behind us.

What other men?

Your letter said there would be you and Mrs. Fraser.

However all are welcome, there's plenty of room.

Gentlemen?

Agnes.

Well Mr. Jarvis, where we can put our provisions?

[upbeat jocular music]

I know the skirt's a bit tatty,

but this is real silver.

I'll give you thruppence.

Come on, I'm not giving it away,

I'm in debt up to here.

What about that?

No use to you no more,

only Peggy's getting wed next month

and they haven't got one.

It's not for sale.

Thought you was glad to get shot of him?

It's my mother's.

Here Peggy, fancy her shoes?

They're the only ones I got.

We'll take them off you, a shilling.

Can't pledge her troth with her bunions on show now can she?

How about a pound of flesh?

A pint of blood?

I could kill Esther.

[carpet beater bangs]

[jocular music]

[George] All right Tommy?

Are you sure chef won't notice?

That foreign get doesn't know the front end of an haddock

from the arse-hole of a whelk.

It's a good job

he's got us looking after it then, isn't it?

So it'll be you and William Forrest from now on, will it?

Every week, regular as clockwork,

making sure you give us the best that you've got.

Good job I'm not a man to take offence,

as if I palm off any old rubbish on his lordship.

As if you would.

Walk on.

[upbeat jocular music]

But we have eggs.

And the largest dairy in the county, of course.

It's for his lordship's egg flip.

He insists on our own raised eggs, our own churned cream,

and if we could make our own brandy.

Well every family has its eccentrics.

Girl is it?

I'll show 'em girl.

[George] Hello Fred.

I'll spank him like his mother, girl?

He's here, I've told him to wait

'til you give him the nod.

Good stuff is it?

Well it pongs a bit, but it's very cheap.

Lovely, I've got the lads already lined up.

They're gonna have to make some noise

to get chef out of his pantry though.

Oh they will,

I've told Fred that Paul called him a big girl,

and I told Paul the same.

Right, I'll start 'em off.

Okay, I'll go and give Llewelyn the nod.

You've got about a minute to get the whole lot in.

George, don't worry about it eh,

don't worry about it.

Right.

[bell rings]

[Harry moans]

Do you say your prayers

in the middle of a thoroughfare madam?

What the hell are they supposed to be?

I'm sorry Mr. Jarvis.

Change them, now.

I haven't got any others sir.

Then you'd better find some new shoes madam,

quick as you like.

You wouldn't last five minutes in my household,

there are whores who are better shod than you.

Don't worry about him,

I'll buy you a new pair of shoes.

Of course you will.

You just wait 'til the tips start rolling in,

I'll buy you shoes for upstairs, shoes for down,

and boots for Sunday.

Now stop flicking about,

Llewelyn's at the back door.

Ready lads, ready?

Wait for the signal.

Eh, eh.

Wait, steady Paul.

Now.

Go on Fred.

[upbeat playful music]

What?

Just a bit of a lark, our outfit against his.

[upbeat playful music]

[Fred] Move.

Buggers

[the servants cheer and shout]

[Agnes] Well done Paul, show 'em how to do it.

[Servant] Who's that?

Ah, magnificent pomegranates,

my compliments to the chief gardener, beautiful.

Whoops.

Good quality?

As if I give Taplows anything less.

[Fred] Mind out, mind out,

quick, quick, quick.

[Felix] What is going on out there?

Footman?

[Felix speaks in German]

[pot clatters]

[Felix speaks in German]

[Fred] Sorry chef.

[knife twangs]

[water splashes]

[Felix] You English hooligans.

Come near my kitchen again, the next time I'll have you.

[Fred] All right you fat boy.

[water splashes]

This is a madhouse.

And I, Felix Kraus,

should waste his life in such a place?

Apples, excellent.

Can't pull the wool over his eyes, eh?

[jaunty music]

[Fred shouts]

Thank you very much gentlemen,

I'll get you a beer later.

Who won?

Who gives a stuff, excuse me,

a little businesses I need to attend to.

Taplows, every last one of you, mad as hatters.

[they pant]

[mysterious music]

Years I've been living here,

watching Frank cashing in,

living in a honeypot dying of hunger.

Five bob each mate.

A bit more than that when his accounts are paid,

not a bad day's work is it?

What are you gonna do with yours?

Wine, women, and song,

and I'll waste the rest.

What about you?

A woman, just the one,

no wine, and I'll sing my own songs.

You still after little Gracie?

She won't have you, she won't,

how many times has she got to tell you no?

The more she says no,

the more she means, "In a bit."

[William laughs]

[jaunty music]

[Lady] I knew we should have left earlier.

All I want is gallons and gallons of hot water.

Miss Francombe, Miss Victoria,

tea is served in your room,

I'll send your maids up as soon as possible.

I'm sure you'll remember the way,

but just in case.

I'm desperate to get these boots off.

[Lady] Me too.

[jaunty music]

We can never trust you to behave properly,

can we Mr. Forrest?

Take your break.

I've just had late dinner.

Then you can follow it up with an early supper.

You're off duty 'til 10, graveyard shift.

But that's down to the most junior footman.

Oh, we finally get the message.

Any chance to get noticed, earn a few tips.

Well you, mate,

are gonna be safely out of sight,

now bugger off.

Oh Mr. Forrest, before you take your break,

Betsy?

You can take Miss Catherine's puppy dog here for walkies.

[bell rings]

Mr. Prothero, for all his airs and graces,

has not thought to send us sufficient lady's maids.

So Charlotte, you can maid Mrs. Rawlings.

You don't need to worry too much about her,

she's only a glorified grocer's daughter.

Lucy, you can look after the two younger girls.

I looked after the Francombe girls

last Christmas, Mrs. Ryan.

Charlotte, I'm not stupid,

I know the two young ladies are very easily pleased

and leave an extravagant tip.

Lucy is a lady's maid, they'll expect no less.

Grace, did you want me?

Is there anything I can do when Lord Harry's resting,

lady's maiding or anything?

Your job is to keep Lord Harry away from the guests,

and with shoes like that,

you'd do well to keep yourself hidden.

Off you go now.

* Fart on my pillow, a whore in the night. *

If you sweep up behind you,

it looks like autumn gales in here.

* My early bird wearily

* Her thighs glimmer white

The tall one,

19 years old.

A lady can earn proper, steward

Are you joking?

Mm-hmm

Never.

Well her and me, now that I could imagine.

I'm sure you think it's very small of me, mean-minded.

I think he's going out of his way

to insult and aggravate you.

He is, I know he is.

The man is a clown,

boasting about silly egg-custardy stuff,

swaggering and preening.

[Mr. Jarvis] He is a ridiculous figure, isn't he?

He is.

I mean, my footmen treat him with contempt?

They certainly do.

Mr. Matkin?

Thank you.

Bloody Prothero.

It's not as if you've got any experience as a lady's maid.

There's only one way to get it.

I'm not being funny,

but there's things you have to learn,

you can't just walk into the job.

It's really difficult is it,

curtsying and smiling at the same time?

If she can look after Lord Harry and that.

Still a bit more complicated

than wiping their shitty arses,

and if you haven't had the training.

[Grace And Susan] Ooh well if you don't have the training.

Grace?

[playful music]

I got it.

For you.

You got some tips early did you?

Yeah, they like the look of me.

Liar, liar, your pants are on fire.

I wanna keep this job.

I'm already in trouble and in hock.

That's why I'm offering it Grace.

When you get caught

you'll pull me down with you.

No one is gonna get caught.

And anyway, I haven't done anything wrong.

I'm broke George, not stupid.

[rousing dramatic music]

[Joseph] All right William,

having yourself a nice little walk there mate?

[Joseph laughs]

[Fred] Ah lovely, mm.

Fred, your turn with the four-legged shit machine,

he likes his walks now and then.

[Agnes] Do you mind?

Not if you don't love.

Gentlemen?

A small gesture from the Francombes,

a little something to warm the cockles,

a lovely glass of egg flip.

Not for us poor Taplows people, Mr. Prothero?

Well why ever not?

If you were my people you'd enjoy this every day.

As served in Buck House only last month.

I hope that we all know what we're expected to do tonight?

Mr. Jarvis, a taste of sophistication.

To old acquaintance, and to new.

[Servants] To new acquaintances.

The manners of pigs.

Lady What's-her-face has been shouting for you,

been at it hours.

Bloody woman, needs a good sorting.

Hello.

Fruits of the estate,

Turbot, sauce crevettes,

casserole de fruits de mer,

fillet de boeuf pique,

faisan roti,

[sweet upbeat music]

My girls are attending the young ladies,

Mrs. Rawlings was most appreciative.

Everything as it should be.

Tres bon.

And Mr. Prothero is ill with disappointment.

[sweet upbeat music]

Can't stand 'em, slimy bloody things.

All right by me, I'll have your share.

Lady Francombe was sleeping you bastard.

I only woke her up, didn't I.

Well you wanna stop banging around then love,

they don't like bad-tempered servants,

the lords and ladies don't.

[sweet upbeat music]

You're not on 'til 10.

I suddenly thought an extra pair of hands

might stop Prothero sticking his oar in,

so I approached Mr. Jarvis.

He was very grateful.

Going well Mr. Adams?

They all seem happy enough sir.

Cheers.

Shh, shh.

You look lovely.

Come here Paul.

Oops.

Nearly.

[soup splashes]

[William] Got you.

[Joseph] I'm sorry Mr. Prothero.

[Andrew] Gentlemen.

[industrious upbeat music]

Oh hell's bloody bells.

What is it?

Consomme de fruits de mer miss,

harvest of the sea,

it'll make your blue eyes even bluer.

[jaunty upbeat music]

[bell chimes]

[jaunty upbeat music]

[William retches]

[door bangs]

Are you with us Mr. Forrest?

The gentlemen are at the port.

No need to panic, Mr. Jarvis,

we'll take in the coffee.

[William retches]

Get your mouldering bones out of there,

the night isn't over yet.

I'm sick sir.

I'll sick you,

I'll have your bollocks on a...

George, lad, perfect timing.

Why don't you rest your feet Mr. Prothero,

make yourself at home,

we have everything under control.

* Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tan *

* Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr *

* A'r gath wedi

Fred!

-Ah, end of a long day. -Tedious.

[Guest] Well, not a great deal to be said.

Good night then.

-Good night. -Good night.

[guest farts]

[guest farts]

[George laughs]

[guest farts]

[George laughs]

Fred, I'm off.

[Mr. Jarvis] Clockwork

[Felix] I think we've shown Mr. Prothero

a thing or two,

Seen him off good and proper.

His position at the Francombes',

I applied for it, same time as him.

Does he?

He's never said anything of course,

but then he wouldn't,

but he knows.

Arrogant bastard.

[door bangs]

Grace?

[door bangs]

Grace?

[sweet romantic music]

Come here Grace.

[sweet romantic music]

Five shillings.

Where else you gonna get the money from?

And you wonder why I don't want anything to do with you.

If you get caught we both get kicked out.

If you don't get new shoes

you're gonna get kicked out anyway.

And if you go, I don't wanna stay.

What are you on about?

Go away.

[George] Please love, take the money.

I'll never be your love.

Never say never,

'cause you don't knows what's round the corner.

The longer we stand here,

the more likely we are to be caught.

[Grace] Go you silly sod.

Take the money.

[Grace] Go.

-Grace, take the money. -Go to bed.

[George] Grace?

Grace?

[melancholy music]

[playful energetic music]

[guest groans]

[bell rings]

Bollocks.

[playful energetic music]

[Guest] Where's my man?

[George] You all right Fred?

[Betsy retches]

All right Betsy, all right.

[she retches]

Oh no.

Sorry miss.

I'll bring you some water.

[playful energetic music]

[he farts]

Take this linen up to whoever needs it, off you go.

Lizzie?

Unlock the laundry,

light the fire under the cover,

the big one!

Be quiet for God's sake,

you'll wake Prothero

he'll have it right round the county in a week.

[playful energetic music]

Here, could you just deal with this?

Me, really?

Well I've got Miss Caroline.

Oh I'm sorry Charlotte, like you said,

there's a lot more to it than just wiping shitty arses,

and I'm just not trained up.

[William retches]

Jarvis has already been out smelling the pig swill,

so I can't be the only one thinking it.

Bloody oysters, I only had one.

Well if he puts the screws on fish-face,

you and I should have finished him off

and said goodbye to mortal life.

[William retches]

You said this was foolproof, no risk.

They'll blame Prince Albert, won't they?

If this costs me my job, my new livery,

or anything else.

It won't, I'll sort it,

I'll tell the fishmonger to keep his mouth shut,

tomorrow, after church,

before lunch sometime.

[dog barks]

Prospero come on, you've gotta run,

leave the deer alone.

Prospero!

[dog barks]

Come on, church.

If you're breathing, you'll be there.

Good morning Mr. Jarvis.

Mr. Prothero, Mrs. Fraser.

We're assuming that no one has died in the night.

Apparently not, thank you Mr. Prothero.

I will be with you directly,

you know the way.

Oh indeed, indeed.

[bells toll]

His lordship's waiting, where is everyone?

I will not have unpunctuality,

let's have some movement please.

[bells toll]

You're not ill, Mr. Adams?

Are you accusing me of stealing?

You'd better watch that mouth of yours.

Well I didn't eat any of the dinner

and I'm not sick.

And I didn't, and I'm just lovely.

Youse is gonna be a lovely cripple

if I hear any more out of you.

His lordship's blaming the fish,

that's all I'm saying.

If they blame the fish,

then anyone who's sick has had some of the fish,

that's what they'll say.

If anyone asks I'm with Lord Francombe.

I wish you'd shut up about the bloody fish Fred,

it's not as if it's the only thing anyone ate.

You know what I think? Oysters.

It could have been anything,

the amount of shite you were putting down your neck,

anything you got your hands on,

cheeses, ham, cakes, egg flip.

Egg flip.

About time ladies and gentlemen,

if you please, quick as you like.

No church Mr. Jarvis?

I'm afraid not,

the vicar and the curate are prostate in the crypt.

Well I suppose if a lord gets the shits,

then the vicar can too.

Our dad used to say,

"If anything's for free,

"then the Church'll be there first."

It's hardly Christian to crow about another's home.

[Servants] Oh shut up Charlotte.

What?

They'll be wondering where we are.

They're mine.

I know.

How did you get 'em.

Bought them back for you.

And will you be expecting anything in return?

Nothing,

I just don't like seeing you get in trouble, that's all.

Well you're a real saint, George Cosmo.

I know about the fish scam.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Frederick says it was the oysters.

Well Frederick's got a big mouth,

and anyway, it wasn't.

And anyway, look, stuff it Grace.

You need shoes,

and these are going begging,

so are you gonna put them on or not?

[sweet music]

The guests are on the mend

and will be leaving shortly for London,

but the servants...

[Mr. Jarvis] But the servants? What?

Will have to stay an extra night.

The devil they will.

They'll be setting off tomorrow

for their house in Edinburgh.

Chortling as they go, crowing.

It's bad enough that we've poisoned the household,

but in front of Prothero,

in front of bloody Prothero.

The next sick servant I see,

I'll wrench out his heart and eat it.

[Andrew] Aye sir.

Bloody Prothero.

[Joseph groans]

[George] Joseph?

Did you drink the egg flip?

What, that shite?

That's a pity Joseph, that is a pity,

because if you ate the fish,

some people might say you were a thief.

If you didn't eat the fish though,

and you did drink the egg flip,

the egg flip that Prothero made,

and told you to drink, well.

[playful music]

Good man Joseph.

Egg flip.

[playful music]

[Susan groans]

Susan?

[Andrew] You know damn well what I'm accusing you of.

[William] I don't know what you're talking about.

Did you go to the market?

Did you tell Llewelyn to palm us off with any old rubbish?

I wouldn't do that.

I thought I was over the worst.

I shouldn't come too near if I was you Mr. Adams.

I have four screaming brats at hame,

foetal incontinence is my bread and butter,

now what is this scam you pathetic little shit?

A confession, now Mr. Forrest,

and all this nastiness can be put behind us.

[George] They all drank egg flip and they're all sick,

but they won't get in trouble for that.

[Susan] Go away George.

Think about it Susan,

if you ate the fish, you're a thief,

if you drank the egg flip...

Susan?

Right, write whatever you want,

I never touched the rotten fish.

Happy?

And did you have any egg flip?

I did, as it happens,

but only what Mr. Prothero gave me.

Excellent.

Get some bread.

[door creaks]

Piss off Wilf.

Nearly there, come on now,

[bucket clatters]

how much?

How much?

A guinea.

A guinea?

You dumb bastard,

have you any idea

how much that contract's worth to Llewelyn?

Hand it over,

and Jarvis need never know.

If you don't, then I will tell him

what a grasping, greedy, dishonest little prick you are,

and how you have brought sickness and disgrace to Taplows,

how does that tickle you?

It's only a matter of time.

One small incident like this

in a lifetime of service Mr. Kraus,

and no one would risk losing you for that.

Excuse me Mr. Jarvis,

his lordship wishes to speak to chef.

You have nothing to worry about Felix.

Bloody idiot.

All I wanna know is did you have any egg flip?

Johnny?

Yes.

[Earl Of Taplow] No more Prussian rubbish,

we'll have good, plain English from now on.

[lighthearted tense music]

Chef, chef, I'm looking for George.

Chef?

[jaunty music]

You can't have spent it, you haven't been anywhere.

I haven't got it.

Then get it.

It went on a pair of shoes.

This is you running after skirt again, isn't it?

This is you pouring everything out

to the first nosy bastard.

He saw me leaving the estate,

he's not daft, he would have worked it out for himself.

So we give him a cut.

We give him every penny otherwise he goes to Jarvis.

He wouldn't.

He would, they've already laid into Prince Albert,

we're next for the chop.

What, chef's been sacked?

Well either that or his tart died of syphilis,

he's as white as a sheet.

George, where you going?

[George] To see Jarvis, save my job.

George, wait a minute.

I hope those stinking shoes cripple you,

I hope they give you foot rot.

What are you on about?

Your bloody shoes

have cost me and George our jobs.

And your silence cost me three months' wages.

Who dropped that tray?

When you tell the truth about that...

God Felix, why the hell did you have to do oysters?

Oh my friend, the smallest thread

emanating from the most enfeebled silkworm,

in the most malnourished worm in the worst arse-hole of Asia

is thicker and stronger

than the thread by which I have held onto my position

in this kitchen.

Oh no, not another delicious, life-threatening treat.

No one has died Mr. Prothero.

Not for the want of trying, eh Mrs. Ryan.

[Fred] Oi, the slathering beast wants you.

Tell him I haven't got his bloody money.

What are you talking about now?

I went down the deer park with him,

Joe did the river walk, you get off easy.

Get stuffed Fred,

I've had enough of the Prothero tribe.

And I haven't?

Right Prospero, come on.

Prospero, this way.

Prospero, Prospero, Prospero!

No, Prospero!

Prospero?

Prospero?

Go on, that's right, stuff your face.

I hope it bloody poisons you,

I hope it kills you,

I hope you die in agony.

Right, come on.

Come on, come here,

come here Prospero,

come here, come on, come on, come on.

It's just you were so busy sir,

I didn't think you'd get the chance to notice.

He was going all around the house

making a big thing of it,

like they live off it and we only have beer or something,

got right up my nose.

15?

Yeah, they're just the ones I managed to speak to sir,

every single one of them,

egg flip, no fish.

Bloody marvellous, bloody wonderful,

bloody Prothero eh.

And Llewelyn sir, do you still wanna see him?

Well there's no need,

send him home when he gets here, my apologies,

tell him I'll see it's all right.

Well done.

[energising fiddle music]

[fire crackles]

He never?

Maggie?

Mind your language girls, it's Mistress May

and the ring what she could never bear to sell.

[he whistles]

[Felix] What the hell?

That's my bag.

[Agnes] We don't go 'til morning.

Ha.

You are respectfully requested to revise that plan

and piss off now.

How dare you speak to us like that.

We have been housed in inadequate quarters,

disregarded, fed slop barely fit for pigs.

Barely fit for pigs?

I'm mortified, I expressly instructed

that your food must be absolutely fit for pigs.

Out, out, out,

thank you, out.

Your sojourn here is over,

and our brief spell in purgatory.

A lesser house would not have been able

to deal with the distemper you brought upon is.

Our carriage isn't here yet.

And it is about to rain.

A little light rain will do you no harm,

while we pray for a deluge.

Mrs. Ryan, after you.

[Servant] Go on, off you go mate

We'll send an invoice

for the greenhouse door and three peacocks.

Bye bye Miss Agnes.

Ta ta Pauline, and Mr. Prothero too.

[Servant] Oi Agnes, such a lemon.

[the servants laugh]

He he, you all right big boy?

No, I'm only cheeking.

Mr. Forrest, reckoning time if you please.

I've only got 15 bob,

what do I do now?

I've dealt with it.

The fish was fine, official.

Andrew doesn't give a toss about the fish,

all he wants is the money,

or my bollocks on his plate.

I haven't got the money man.

No, you chucked it away

chasing after Grace May's tits.

Here, before the whole house hears you.

I'm not just a pair of tits William.

[playful music]

[Mr. Jarvis] "How dare you speak to us like that."

"We've been housed in inadequate quarters, disregarded."

"We've been fed food barely fit for pigs."

[dog growls]

Did you hear what Felix said to that?

Yeah, that was very impolite.

I meant to reprove him about that,

but I was too busy laughing at the time.

[they laugh]

Mrs. Ryan.

[dog retches]

[playful music]

Bugger.

There is something I think you should all know,

just between us, as friends,

and not to be relayed to Mr. Jarvis.

You were not poisoned by the Francombes' egg flip,

you were got by a substandard fish

that this craven, greedy bastard introduced to the house.

And thanks to Willie boy here,

all our visitors have fled

without leaving a single tip.

But because I am his friend, as well as yours,

and for the honour of Taplows,

and so that Mr. Forrest here can keep his job,

we will all keep quiet, shall we.

[he clicks]

I tried to tell you.

Hey, it'll stop the dry retching.

Got you an extra egg and black pudding.

[William groans]

[coins clatter]

It was a long, hard day,

but at last you're home.

Very smart Mr. Cosmo.

My new livery.

[servants whistle and clap]

[servants applaud and cheer]

[Servant] Go on then.

[Fred] Go on, kiss her you soft get.

Yeah, if you're that desperate.

Beer.

[Fred] Oh about time Wilf.

Sorry about your ring, I owe you.

You got me my shoes.

So you owe me, huh?

[playful tense music]

[upbeat Baroque music]

The trousers have come off love.

Not for me they don't.

[William] He's dead.

[George] Breathe.

It wasn't his fault.

I don't think the earl will see it that way.

Be very careful Mrs. Ryan.

Should I have asked your permission?

[upbeat Baroque music]