Original subtitles

[Collective-AMC]

[MUSIC]

Try to taste.

Yes, can I get some

general sous chicken please?

Sorry, not sous.

No sous?

Did the chickens escape?

No, we're still doing

breakfast for the next hour.

Breakfast?

Then can I get two scrambled eggs?

Toast or fruit?

Toast, burn that fruit

before somebody eats it or ask.

Absolutely, no fruit.

Anything else?

Can I get an orange juice?

Never fruits, I'm not oldies, okay.

And a pork roll, egg and cheese.

They go with cream cheese

and any other cheese you see.

He's a poet and he didn't even know it.

Anything else?

Yes, six and a half almond cookies and

your hand in marriage.

Who is this?

Well, it's not Brian

David, that guy's a pub.

He sure is.

I haven't heard from you

in a long time, Brian David.

What are you doing?

I'm calling Melody Barnigan and I'm

making a more jelly donut.

Toaster oven or microwave?

I don't have a toaster oven.

Or a microwave ratio, Rich.

Jesus, do you guys have a robot made in

your mansion, Miss Milliner?

Shut up.

Did you really call to

order all this fruit?

No.

I was calling to talk to you.

Oh yeah?

Why?

I was wondering...

Do you want to go to

the movies with me today?

You can totally send out.

Okay.

Seriously?

Hold on one second.

Cool.

Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2.

Uh, because Toby Hooper didn't direct?

Who?

The guy who directed the

Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

He made the first Poltergeist even though

most people think it was Spielberg.

You sure know a lot about movies.

But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you

because I'm supposed to go with my mom.

Your mom? Why?

Oh, first one's like

her favorite movie ever.

She says it's because

she likes ghost stories.

And I know she's lying.

Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist?

My aunt was drunk one night and she said

that when my mom was in eighth grade,

she went to the school dance with the guy

who plays the dad in Poltergeist.

So that's why she

likes the movie so much.

Oh my gosh, you probably

gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job.

I'd be so mad you said that right now if

I wasn't so impressed you

remember the guy's name.

You sure know a lot about movies.

I know there's a movie you me gotta go

see that your mom will love.

What you talking about, Willis?

Remember when we were

in the pool last summer?

Do you want to touch her?

Uh, you mean when I

almost let you get to second?

Well, yeah.

But this was right before then.

Back up.

Pull up.

Back up.

Pull up.

Back up.

Why do you wear your shirt in the pool?

Because my tits are bigger than yours.

You should take your shirt

off in the pool just one time.

You should take your shirt off

everywhere, all the time.

You're so funny.

All the short people are for David.

It's too loud.

I'm reading.

Mom, tell Brian David he's not short.

How about I tell him to

get off my daughter instead?

He's not on me. I'm on him.

Get off that boy or the only thing he'll

be on is punishment.

Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnigat?

Buckleck.

Oh, see, your mom

just called me a butlick.

She said bucklick with a K.

It's a book series my mom loves about a

wisecracking detective

whose name is U.B. Buckleck.

You be a butlick.

You be a butlick.

You be a butlick.

Do you want to touch her?

I totally should have touched her.

Totally should have.

It's like the biggest

mistake I ever made.

So why didn't you?

Well, I wanted you to

think I was a nice guy.

I did think you were a nice

guy until you stopped calling me.

Well, I'm calling you now

because there's a Bucklick movie,

and we totally got to go see it together.

No way. They made a Bucklick movie?

Yeah, they showed a preview

for it when I saw Top Gun.

It looks really funny, and

it's playing in Atlantic.

When have we got to go?

Hiya! Gun koi! Shaolai! Shaolai!

I'm home, I'm home.

I just got yelled at, so I gotta hang up.

What time's Bucklick?

There's a 215 show.

I can't do 215. I got off at two, and

then I need to go home

and shower before I bow,

because I smell like an egg roll.

We could go to the next show at 4.30?

We could. Couldn't we?

We should. Shouldn't we?

Well, cut. Should. Wow, you look fast.

Oh, except in the pool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you wanna go?

Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick.

Sweet, then. I'll see you at the 4.30

movie, Melody Barnigan.

I'll see you at the 4.30 movie.

Bye, David.

Bye-bye.

There is a gun.

Off to get the new Starlog.

It's kind of brisk out.

A very unassuming day.

Nothing fantastic happening.

(Music)

(upbeat music)

For a cookie?

It's to payday.

You wanna schedule it though?

Nope, I'm gonna go sit on the dock

and write the new starlog.

Then I'm going to the movies.

Man, you and your movies.

Shit's not real, you know?

Like that movie E.T.,

that never happened.

That movie Conan, never happened.

That movie Gandhi, shit never happened.

I'm pretty sure Gandhi had.

Well that shit happened for three hours,

so I stopped watching it.

You heard that New Run DMC album?

Fresh.

Super fresh, right?

Shilly moose.

Gandhi definitely happened.

It didn't happen.

No, it definitely happened.

Star Wars did.

(dramatic music)

(soft music)

May 25th, 1986.

Today's a big day.

I finally called Melody Barnaget

and invited her out to the movies.

Why?

You ask.

One word,

love.

I got 24 karat quesal of.

(upbeat music)

Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast.

It's not for breakfast,

it's for you guys to bring to the movies.

This is movie bacon?

It's cheaper than that

rip off candy counter

and bacon's better for

you than all that popcorn.

You're growing boys,

you need bacon to

build big strong hearts.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh good day.

I'm Bob McKenzie and

this is my brother Doug.

How's it going, eh?

Is that my movie bacon?

Don't touch it yet.

I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first.

Are we really gonna be sneaking around

the movies all day?

I heard that Danny Banks got

caught doing that last week

in the Bandom for life.

Danny Banks was in a slick as us.

But Buckleck is rated R.

We do not look old enough

to get into a rated R movie.

We gotta.

Because I called

Melody Barnaget this morning

and told her we were going.

You talked to Melody

Barnaget this morning.

What was that before or after the donut?

Before.

I asked her out.

She's coming to the 430 movie with us.

Why is Melody

Barnaget out on a movie date?

Hey brothers, brothers.

Do you care?

I don't care.

I guess who will.

Melody Barnaget?

Mary Melody Barnaget.

Yes, Melody Barnaget.

Dude, she's a spirit fighter.

She's a cheerleader.

She's younger than us.

By one, great.

And she would have been in our class

but she missed the cutoff date by a month

because her birthday is in November.

Dude, you know when her birthday is?

Well, holy shit, Billy Idol.

When did the white wedding?

What do you got against

Melody Barnaget, okay?

She's super sweet.

Wait, she's super short.

She's not much shorter than me.

She's shorter than the Mets' chance

of making it to the playoffs this year.

Oh my God, I don't know, bro.

The Mets beat the

Padres by four last night.

Yeah, the Padres beat the

Mets seven to four on Friday.

What's your point, though?

Yeah, but the way they're playing,

they're saying the

Mets could go all the way.

The Mets have as good of a chance

of making it to the World Series

as Bry does of making

it with Melody Barnaget.

Melody Barnaget's not a midget.

She's fresh and I'm gonna ask her out.

You already did.

To the movies, but after we see Buckleck,

I'm gonna ask her out, ask her out.

Like to go steady.

What?

Why?

Why?

Because we made out in

her pool last summer.

Yeah, one time, with your shirt on.

And when you almost got,

well, it's a little baby-pitty.

And very little might

I have because she is

fairly flat chest.

Chef, he's not flat chest.

Oh, so you're the expert now.

Look, Rod, baby, I've

gone with way more girls

in the pool than you have, all right?

Where my shirt off?

I've been thinking about

asking Melody out all year.

She's really smart, she thinks I'm funny.

Oh, she can't be too smart

if she thinks you're funny.

Like washing your truck three times a day

is some sign of intelligence.

Hey, hey, hey, don't bring

the truckster into this, okay?

You can actually get

inside of the truckster,

which is way more than

you'll ever be able to do

with Melody Barnaget.

Bry, she's beneath you.

I'm trying to get her on top of me.

For what?

For sex, Bernie!

What, but you're the guy, Bry.

You get on top of her, right?

I got peach and everything.

But I'm always laying

down when I jerk off,

so I don't think I can bust a nut.

Yeah! Come on, get, come on!

You think I wanna hear

about your nasty jerk off

techniques?

No, I don't!

Major murder promo.

You gotta learn how to be a man, Bry.

Be a man like major murder.

Like major murder?

Yeah, like major murder!

Major murder's not a man.

He's a fictional character.

He's got character,

especially when he's in a man's

kicking ass.

In 1986, I believe

you may call the police,

because there's gonna

be a murder in New Jersey

wrestling fans.

Coming to the Brendan Bernard.

He's murdered.

The master of disaster

himself, a savage soldier.

It's a man who's a man.

Major murder!

Is this thing on?

Yes.

Has that got something

to say to all the sissy

civilians out there?

Yes.

All hell, man, ready.

You hearing me, believer?

Major murder's got his

orders to kick your ass,

so I'm gonna storm those

cheeks like it's Omaha Beach.

Hoorah!

Now, Major, it sounds to me like you

intend on holding on

to your

Intercontinental Championship title.

Is that right?

If you gotta ask, then you

ain't up to the task, soldier.

Howdy, you sleaze!

Major murder says, dismiss!

Well, there you have it.

Let's all be thankful that

the Major fights for the side

of these United States,

and not those Soviets.

Major murder is bad to the bone!

A guy literally rides a

camouflage motorcycle,

for God's sakes!

That would never be Dayton,

little Melody Barnigan, dude.

You can bet your ass on that.

Because she's a teenager, and

he's like a hundred years old.

You would never say that to his face,

because he put the grip of death on you.

Even though he was 17 years old,

Bernie O'Donnell still

believed wrestling was real.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Is wrestling not real?

Can you rip the grip?

Say "wrestled's real."

Get off me!

Say "wrestled's real."

Aw, yeah! We wrestled! Good job! [music]

Because he had to do nothing by touching

everybody's disgust.

Bernie mistakenly believed everybody

touching everybody's

disgusting was the original name for

"Hands Across America."

Hey, brothers.

No, Bells, I'm just mocking Bernie

for being against "Hands Across America."

Uh, "Hands Across America."

Can't believe they're not

playing poltergeist 2 here.

Well, there's no way that shit's gonna be

as good as poltergeist 1.

It's not poltergeist 1.

It's still just poltergeist.

When they make a sequel, they don't

suddenly stick a

number in the first flip.

Sometimes I want to stick a

power cable in your big mouth,

like Bernie did "Jaws of Jaws 2."

I like how they kill

Jaws better in "Jaws 1."

Belly, it's just Jaws.

And unless we're talking "Godfather 2,"

"Escape from the Planet

of the Apes," or "Empire."

No sequels ever as good as the original.

All right, well, as long

as that creepy little chick

coming back from

poltergeist 1, I'll be there.

Cross over, children.

All are welcome.

Melody Barnigan's mom--oh, I'm so sorry.

Um, Melody Barnigan's mom went to a dance

with a dad from poltergeist

when she was in eighth grade. Oh, yeah.

I bet she dropped the

mom. Let's rise then.

Then why'd you ask her to

come to the movies today?

Melody's mom's not

coming to the movies with us.

Not her mom, Melody.

Why is she coming with us?

Because I like Melody Barnigan.

I don't know shit

about women. Oh, my God.

I do, all right?

And I know she's not the woman for you

because she's not a woman at all.

She's a little girl.

Melody Barnigan's not

a little girl, Bernie.

She's like a lady.

Uh, yeah, she's like the

creepy lady from poltergeist 1.

It's just poltergeist.

We want some more of Mom's baby.

They put that away till we

get inside, they convince.

Oh, shit. Here comes the car.

Who cares? Batman's a stupid old TV show.

I read in Starlog they said they're gonna

make a new Batman movie.

It'll flop. Nobody's ever

gonna pay to see a Batman movie.

I guess someone out here in Big Sherman

and these disgusting

porters touches my movie movie.

I got one.

Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas, where the

movies come to play.

We get inside. Remember, we're getting

tickets for Astro Blaster

because Buckleck and

Dental School are both rated R.

I can drive a car with 17 and join the

army, but I gotta wait till I'm 18.

I'm 18, I see you're rated

R movies. I live in Russia.

In Soviet Union, you

don't see R-rated movies.

R-rated movies sees you.

What a country.

I need new friends.

Hi.

Astro Blaster and the Beiberman.

[door opens]

Can I get one ticket to

Astro Blaster and the Beiberman?

Hi, girl. Can I get one

ticket to Astro Blaster?

You know, that's what the ladies call me.

Astro Blaster.

You're just playing hard to get.

Okay. We'll save seats. You get none.

I look like a nerd. Show me a little.

You can't get from the

cut-sees when they go back.

What do you care? We're behind you.

Well, I'll tell my dad.

Oh, you're dead. So what? I don't care

what you tell your dad, little kid.

Dad. He showed me his privates.

He did what? I--

Have fun. Don't run. Have fun. Don't run.

Have fun. Don't run.

Have fun. And I hope you die.

Have fun. Don't run.

You had to mess with Manager Mike.

I'm not scared of that spaz.

Now if he sees us in Buckleck, he'll

remember us as the

guys from Astro Blaster.

Who made fun of him?

The guys? You mean the guy?

Because you didn't say shit.

I'm trying to be incognito so we can

sneak into the other movies

all day after we see this one.

And how many times have

you seen Astro Blaster?

Fourteen times.

And you wonder why you don't get laid.

I don't get laid because I'm Catholic.

I'm Catholic. That don't

stop me from getting laid.

I even did it in the

church basement one time.

He's the church basement. What do you

call your steak-tech?

Your steak-tech.

Where's Belle?

What the hell?

I got thrown out.

For what?

For being a little sex fiend.

Are you with that pervert?

Uh, I mean, we go to the same school.

Such a sellout.

That pervert's our boy, Belly.

Well, your boy Belly's been bounced.

You want to join him? Be my guest, but

keep the door closed.

Don't let my AC out.

You touch my car, I call the cops.

You touch my car, I call the cops.

You can't hear me, I

can't hear you. I won.

[laughter]

Jesus, meet me. I'm back.

All right. Can you get me some

Twizzlers? I'll go get those.

Can you eat one of your Twizzlers?

Son, you're gonna eat this Twizzler.

Oh, sup, Stink?

Oh, hey, sup. How you doing?

Good.

Didn't I see you at

Rocky IV a couple months ago?

Yeah.

Oh, man. I can't stop thinking about that

movie. It was crazy.

It was so good, right?

I couldn't believe that Rocky lived.

Yeah.

Even so, I was like, that

movie's really hard to follow.

You know, because it's like,

you think he's gonna be dead?

He's all bloody and

stuff. He's just like...

Just like...

Oh!

But then the other guy was like...

And the blood and all the spit...

Yeah. And it all came out.

It was cool.

Remember when the

blonde guy, he's Russian.

I don't know where he's

from, but he keeps the sign.

I don't think it matters where he's from.

And then he just like

punched him so hard.

Hammer that?

It was a climax.

He climaxed?

No, it was the climax of the film.

Yeah. It was so cool.

But I just thought it was kind of fake.

What? For free?

You know I don't got any bread.

Ah, but you got bacon.

Did you see my new striper jacket?

Oh, cool. Rock on.

Yeah. Well, not... No.

Actually, rock on without the horns,

because hell is for pussies.

It's for Heaven's wear, Chad.

Have you been saved?

What?

Have you been saved?

By Jesus?

No. By Tony Danza.

Yeah, by Jesus.

I guess I'm an altar

boy and I go to church.

Good for you.

So I guess we'll be in Heaven together.

Spitting down all those sheath in there.

Yeah.

You're not doing hands

across America either?

No. Not this year.

Yeah. I asked a bunch of people, but I

don't want to do it with me.

They already had people that they were

doing hands with, so...

I mean, I understand,

because it's kind of like...

You have to know somebody really well to

stand next to somebody

and give them a hand job for, you know,

just for bringing people together.

It's like, I have a lot to ask, I guess.

I have a couple of things.

How many previews do you think we get?

It's always three.

I hope we get a fly.

I hope we get aliens and lambs.

Her name is Sister Sarah Wallace,

and she is unlike any

nun you've ever met.

Hey, guys!

She's young.

She's fun.

Yes!

Yes, I'm fine.

And she's got a secret.

They stole all the food from the orphans?

What are we going to do?

To feed the hungry kids at her orphanage,

this naughty nun will

develop some filthy habits.

Sister Sugar Walls.

How come my nuns weren't your secret

hookers when we were in school?

One time I pulled my butt to the thought

of sex with Sister Anne.

I was guilty as hell afterwards.

You're gonna burn. Listen to her.

I'm telling my attorney

not. Who would I tell?

You're out here swimming

around in a toilet bowl.

But you're a nun. Not a hooker.

Well, maybe God wants me to be both.

A nun by day.

Ready?

And a hooker by night.

Hey, sister.

I got something for you, poor box.

Let's see what's under that wig.

Oh, hell no!

Say a prayer for her.

Sister Sugar Walls. Rated R.

We would have definitely seen that.

Imagine if the nuns were secret hookers

when we were in school.

Number one, I already

said that. Number two,

one time Bernie jerked off

thinking about Sister Anne.

Oh, dude!

[panting]

[screaming]

The health note.

Oh, good.

What the shit?

I abandoned it in Scandinavia.

That slasher isn't fit to

wipe the blood off the blades.

A Leatherface, Michael

Myers, or Freddy Krueger.

You haven't even seen the

movie yet, Judge Robynner.

I don't need to see the movie,

because I'm the greatest horror movie

expert you've ever met.

Stupid piece of shit.

Question for the expert.

Who wins in a fight between Jason,

Freddy, Leatherface, and Michael Myers?

My man Jason Voorhees.

The correct answer to the question.

Who wins in a fight between Jason,

Freddy, Leatherface, and Michael Myers

is the audience.

We all win.

Idiot.

Morning, gorgeous.

Morning.

What'd you have in the usual?

Uh, I got to unload before I reload.

[dramatic music]

[door opens]

[door opens]

Whoa.

[door opens]

[dramatic music]

[groans] [screams]

Oh, my God!

Oh!

[screams]

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

Are you all right?

No!

[screams]

[screams] [dramatic music]

[door opens]

So they crawl up your butt.

No, Mr. Wizard over here.

I can't believe this place is so empty.

Where'd this come out?

Astro Blaster? Back in March.

Remember we snuck into Highlander after

we saw Astro Blaster?

I remember Bernie

missing half a Highlander

because he was feeling up

Susie Bucachick the whole time.

Ah, Bucachick's so Catholic.

She only let me touch her left titty.

That's why he calls her the kurgan.

They lie.

There could be only one!

[laughs]

Sorry. I should be starvin'.

[laughs] Astro Blaster

And the people that know

[dramatic music]

Astro Blaster

That's a good thing I know

[dramatic music]

[door opens]

It's Jessica Kort.

Where's this?

[door closes]

I got burned. Burn here!

Who the hell is this?

Uh, this is Bernie. I

graduated with a brother.

Uh, Bernie, this is Randy.

Where you from, hon?

Hon. I'm from the Bay Area.

Bay Avenue? San Francisco.

Oh, we met at school.

Ah, so? How's college?

Is it all the wordies in the dorms?

The worms? We don't live in the dorms.

My God. Shh.

I am Damocles of the Beavermen, dammit!

And that means one damn thing.

[dramatic music]

I rule the Beaver.

You haven't seen this yet?

No, did you? Yeah.

Stupid.

Thanks, stupid fun.

Who?

It's not as stupid fun

as you and me making out

until the news.

And it was in the same theater.

Yeah.

Maybe we should take a little longer

and then we lay in the background, huh?

No way. I mean, we're ready for it.

I'm from the--

I mean, we're probably

the bells who gives a shit.

Do you know who you're wanting?

[dramatic music]

Shoot. I'm gonna be just right back.

You just plant-leaving us?

Is there Brian David here?

I'm looking for Brian David.

Holy shit! I can't hear the movie!

Eat shit, asshole!

Brian David, come see the

manager in the lobby ASAP.

Brian David, Brian David.

Should I go?

Godspeed.

[door opens]

I'm terrified by what's about to happen.

Uh, I'm Brian David.

So I'm on the phone

with my Paramount route.

This is Paramount Pictures, mind you.

God, my third-gone father, part two.

And all of a sudden,

the operator interrupts us

with an emergency

breakthrough from your mother.

Mom, what's wrong?

You are giving this cat a

bath when you get home tonight.

So you've made it an

emergency breakthrough

to tell me that?

That's how filthy this cat is!

Cats are self-cleaning,

Ma, and they hate water.

No, that's only in cartoons, Brian.

Okay, I'll give the cat

a bath when I get home.

Um, I promise, but I gotta go.

Oh, okay, big important man.

Doesn't have time to talk to his mother,

who gave birth to him.

You know, I lost one

before you and one after you.

I can't really talk about

my dead ghost siblings, Ma.

The manager is

waiting for his phone back.

Well, I was waiting for a thank-you note

from your cousin, Allison, which just

came in the mail today.

I sent a wedding present to that dummy

after she eloped with some twerk.

Listen to this BS.

Pardon my French, blessed mother.

Listen to this.

Dear Aunt Grace, thank

you for the wedding present.

We love the bed linens from Bradley's.

But when we opened the package, there

were two fitted sheets,

and no top sheet.

It's a little hard to sleep

between two fitted sheets,

so we're gonna bring them

back and get a correct set.

Thank you so much, Allison.

Ah!

It's a little hard to sleep

between two fitted sheets.

Well, then don't get married.

Ma, the manager's staring at me

because we're tying up the phone.

Well, tell him to hold his horses.

I'm not telling him that.

You don't have to.

I can hear her.

He can hear you.

Ma, that means both of you can hear me

when I say get off the phone,

or I'm ejecting you from the theater.

I gotta go, Ma.

Well, I love you, Tiger.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

Oh, okay, Fonzie.

Too cool to say I love

you back to your mother.

I'm in public, Ma.

Oh, I did 18 hours of labor in public,

bringing you into this world.

Tell her you love her, Fonzie.

I love you.

Goodbye, Ma.

Sorry, uh, my mom's mad at my cousin.

I don't care about your

family ties, Alex P. Keaton.

This isn't the party line

where the action never stops

for 89 cents a minute.

This is a business phone,

and that business is show business,

as in lights, camera, and action.

(phone ringing) Oh, see?

People trying to call.

Atlantic Cinemas, where

the movies come to play.

Manager Mike speaking.

How can I help you?

It's your mother again.

Hello? You hung up.

I thought we were done.

Since when don't you wait to

hear me say I love you too?

The manager was staring at me.

You could be riding

your bike home tonight

and get run over by a bus,

and as you dive there in the gutter,

you'd realize that you

missed your last chance

to hear your only mother say I love you.

I don't want that.

You don't want what,

meat to get hit by a bus

or meat to have regrets when I die from

getting hit by a bus?

Christopher Columbus, I

don't even want to think

about you getting hit by a bus.

Well, then why'd you say, can I go now?

How's the movie?

I don't know, because I've

been on the phone with you

the whole time.

Who's that?

Your son.

The short one?

Oh my God.

Oh, Frums, you think he's not

self-conscious enough already?

I thought he was at the movies.

At least they are now.

I assume that the movie's any good.

Your father wants to know

if your movie's good or not.

I don't know, because

I've been on the phone

with you the whole time.

Listen, I love you, but I gotta go.

I love you too, tiger.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, what about me?

Yes, I love you too.

Ah, not that.

What does Igor say?

I'm in public, dad.

What does Igor say?

Goodnight, master.

Nah.

I made him do the Igor.

You're not from around here, stranger.

Why, you don't even have buck teeth.

Or a tail.

I'm from Earth.

You're from Earth?

Yes, I'm Astro Blaster.

Astro Blaster?

Yeah, I'm the drummer in

a Van Halen cover band.

Man, my mom made an

emergency breakthrough

to talk about the cat.

Can you believe that shit?

He said, "Can you believe that shit?"

She called to tell me

how she'd get the cat.

Oh, my God, you guys--

You guys were--

Did we get right here?

In front of Astro Blaster?

In the beaver link?

In a Van Halen cover band?

Yes, it's a big deal.

It's a big deal?

Yeah, I just said that.

You just said that.

Bernie's having sex during the movie.

The guy's got no respect for cinema.

All right, Bells.

Bells.

What did I miss?

Jesus.

Here's the beef, okay?

We've nearly depleted our entire

strategic popcorn supply.

Do you know what that means?

No.

That means I have to call every theater

in a 10-mile radius offering crazy money

to buy their crappy popcorn,

only to get laughed at and mocked.

By managers telling me I

can't hack it in the movie "Biz."

But just when scuzzy

old Strathmore Cinema,

home of the crudiest corner in the

country, is saying yes,

and I am swallowing my

pride to close the deal,

all of a sudden...

I get an emergency breakthrough.

I'm really sorry about my mom.

It's not your mom this time.

Hey, hey, have fun. Don't run.

Hello?

Hey, Brian. It's Melody.

I'm sorry to call you like this.

Is something wrong?

A little.

I can't go to the 430 movie with you

because my mom says I

gotta stay home for supper,

but she said I can go after I eat.

Yeah? Okay, that's awesome.

Buckleck plays again at 7.15.

I'll be there around 7,

as soon as I'm done with dinner.

You want me to bring you a pork chop?

Pork chop, china pochache.

It's not a shuau.

What?

That's from the brie bunch?

Wow. You sure know a lot

about movies and TV shows.

Hey, I'll see you later, Peter Brie.

Bye.

Sorry.

Pork chops and applesauce.

God.

Worst moment of your life was the day

your mom found out she could make an

emergency breakthrough.

How was it, my mom? How's Melody?

She called you at the movies.

Who played Misty for me?

She did tell me she

can't come to the 430 movie.

Yeah, good.

So she's coming to the 7.15 show.

What? Now she's coming to dental school.

That's gonna be a ton of

ditties in that moment, all right?

I'm not trying to be

looking at naked ladies

while I'm sitting next to a girl.

Well, I was gonna say

we could go to the 430

movie with dental school,

but you all see Buckle at the 7.15.

Why are we moving the schedule

around for Melody Boy to get--

Hmm?

We're supposed to be seeing movies today.

You see a lot of this

movie from behind, Jessica?

What were the words?

See, that's different.

Okay, that wasn't planned.

That's what you'll say about the kid

she's gonna have in nine months.

See, right. I wore rubber.

Who brings rubbers to the movies?

I do.

Why?

Because what if the movie sucks?

You walk out. You don't pull out.

If I'm wearing a

rubber, why would I pull out?

There's a damn force field

around that damn fortress.

We need to bail out now.

I'm not coming, Damocles.

What in the damn hell?

Look, we only got one

shot at this, all right?

So I'm gonna stay

here and steer the ship.

Dammit, man! Why?

Back on Earth?

I'm just a drummer and a

fan, hail and cover band, man.

Okay, but here, in space, I

can be so much more Damocles.

I can be the kind of

guy I always wanted to be.

I can be the kind of

guy they call a hero.

Well, since you've made

your damn mind up about it,

then I, Damocles of the Beavermen,

do hereby swear by

the eternal morning wood

that you, Astro Blaster of Earth,

are the bravest damn

hero in the damn galaxy.

Where I'm from, there's a

name for people like that.

They're called Americans.

Van Halen cover band!

I'm gonna wake up, Belly.

The movie's almost over, so he's gotta go

hide in the bathroom

before the lights come up.

Look at my bacon.

Nobody's after your bacon.

Go hide in the bathroom,

meet us in dental school.

Wait, but then I'll

miss the end of the movie.

So? I already slept

through half of it anyways.

Now go.

Don't have manager mics here.

Stealth.

I love this fight.

A drummer always does it for the Beaver.

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

Sex pool.

(Laughter)

For the Beaver!

Van Halen!

Why do we always have to sit through

these stupid credits?

Remember when we saw

young Sherlock Holmes,

and at the end of the

credits, they had Wal-Horsen?

I was one in a million

movies, and that flick flopped.

So they're never gonna be doing an

after-credits scene

in a movie ever again.

See? Waste of time.

We're going for snacks?

What if manager Mike sees us?

Oh, that guy. He's

probably porker than popcorn.

Bobbin, you're a

bologna in a public bathroom.

Open the door, Tommy.

Massing your monkey,

noodling your nugget.

You're a ban for life,

playboy! You disgust me!

Masterbaiting in a public

area is only fun for one person.

Write that down, fella.

(Door opens)

Meet me out back.

Again.

Enjoy the movie.

Derek.

Hi.

Go away, little girl.

This movie's a reader.

Hello. I just wanted to ask a question.

Why are you talking to

me? No one talks to me.

Yeah, but you're awesome to work here.

This is awesome to work

here. No, it sucks to work here.

But you can see all the movies.

Movies suck. This movie sucks.

Half the town and their

mother is here, which is fine.

Because Americans have

no taste. You know why?

Because Americans have no future.

America sucks. Now please.

Run along. Ginger diaper.

We don't have future. What are you doing?

Don't--what's going on with your hands?

Why do you think Americans suck since--

Why are you coming so close to me?

Haven't you been to the day after?

If Russia decides to nugget, we're done.

Kaput. Kentucky Fried Chicken.

And I actually

welcome it. I say bring it.

Take me now so I never have to

see dental school ever again.

You don't like dental school?

I've never actually seen it. I just hear

it all day and night.

You're pulling your pot in public?

Public masturbation is

only ever fun for one person.

Anatone. Shut up!

I mean, if Gorby gets

a hot trigger finger,

we are Canadian bacon

over here in America.

Just crushed.

Isn't there a shield or something?

A shield? You know

anything about Star Wars?

I know everything about Star Wars.

You do? So then you know everything about

Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative,

the Star Wars program?

What? I thought you meant--

Oh, you thought I meant

that excruciating space opera.

No, thank you. You know, I think our

non-existent got every day

that there will never be

another Star Wars movie made.

We're at the end of Star

Wars, you know what I mean?

What would they do next?

Go back and start telling us

episode one, two, and three?

Can you imagine if they were like,

"Let's break it up

into little TV series"?

Yeah, right. I mean, you

gotta be out of your mind.

Like, we want to

follow some side stories,

some small characters, like,

"Oh, I wonder what Boba Fett's doing.

I want to invest my time

in that." Get out of here.

I don't care about that stuff. I don't

even like Star Wars.

Let's go. Here we go.

What an asshole.

I need you to clean the men's room.

Somebody took a shit in the yard.

Somebody or you, Mike?

What happened? I had distracted him.

The place was packed.

There's only one seat open.

Because of you and Melody?

Now we can't even see Duntu School.

You don't hear belly-belly aching?

Because belly's an idiot.

No more bacon for Bernie. So?

Do you think I give a shit? Hey!

You just said shit in

front of my little sister.

She's only six.

Get out of my face, four eyes.

Hey, what's your--

Oh, stop!

[screaming] Boys, boys, boys.

In the words of the

tagline from the commando poster,

somewhere, somehow,

someone's going to pay.

These three stooges are bad for life!

Fuck my left nut! Not today!

[screaming]

Wait, wait!

Stop holding hands!

Where are you going? We gotta fix this!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Because of you two, I just got this shit

kicked out of me by three little girls!

Who cares? We just got banned for life!

So like Danny Banks.

How am I supposed to take

Melody and see Buckleck now?

Melody? Melody, Melody, Melody.

Man, this is all her fault!

How? She's not even here!

Ever since you asked her to

come to the movies with us,

we've been moving everything around for

her, and now we're banned for life!

We're banned because you picked a fight

with a nine-year-old!

Bullshit! We would be in that theater

right now watching Buckleck!

But you had to invite Melody!

Holy shit! What? What the hell is your

obsession with Melody Barnigan?

You're the one

obsessed with Melody Barnigan!

We just gotta deal with it!

Deal with what?

Because she's a goddamn sophomore!

Who cares? Big Wop!

We're goddamn juniors!

But we're gonna be

seniors in September, bride!

And then you'll be all like, "Oh,

Melody's a stupid dude!"

Don't do it! Don't do

it! Don't do it to me!

Okay? You're the one that's trying to

make out with this little

wee-wand-looking bitch!

What are you doing? What

the hell are you doing?

We're gonna fight.

Oh, yeah. We're gonna fight?

Yeah, we're gonna fight! I'm tired of you

making fun of Melody, okay?

So put up your dukes. Put on my dukes.

If I put up one of my

dukes, I will kill you.

Come on, guys. Friends don't fight.

Friends? You call this friendship!

He cares about his stupid drunk more than

he cares about my feelings!

So let's go! Let's go!

Fight, my dear.

I'm gonna fight, ninjas.

You do now?

You stupid...

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

Bernie is not obsessed

with Melody Barnaket!

Thank you, Bals!

He's threatened by her.

What? Why the hell would I be threatened

by that little carpenter's dream?

Jesus, flat as a board is easy to nail.

No, she did not!

Knock it off! Can't you

see Brian idolizes you?

Idolize, Burnboy? Oh, I do not!

Oh, yes, you do. You look up to him

because he's confident,

which is something you can never be,

because you think you're too short.

He is too short! He should be looking in

the sky saying, "The plane! The plane!"

Do something!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Bernie, you keep running down his dream

about dating Melody Barnaket

all threatened by the girl just because

Brian is in love with her.

Oh, I never said I was in

love with Melody Barnaket.

Well, you are.

You've been talking

about her since last summer

because she makes you

feel good about yourself.

She makes you forget

that you think you're short.

He's a four-foot freak!

Pauline, you're a control freak.

Yeah!

So you're afraid Brian's gonna start

spending all his time

with Melody instead of you.

Yeah, but you can't

admit that to yourself

because you think being a man means being

tough like major murder.

What's tougher than fighting your friend

over the woman you love?

I know you guys think I'm dumb or

something, but I am not dumb.

Okay, I just don't talk

as much as the two of you

since you guys never shut the hell up!

All right.

So it gives me a lot of

time to listen, and...

in all the years I've been listening,

here's what I've learned.

You know movies.

You know women.

Yeah, I do.

But I know you guys better than the two

of you know yourselves.

So it's time for you to stop looking for

Bernie's approval on everything.

It's time for you to start

letting Brian be his own man.

By all means.

And it's time both of you assholes

apologize to me for

making fun of my mom's bacon

even though you ate the

shit out of it all day!

You all right?

Come on.

Bernie!

You're adults! Stop talking to me!

[music]

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Oh, excuse me!

Holy shit!

It is you!

You'll be a gemarner!

At ease, you sleaze.

I'm your biggest fan, I gotta be honest.

I know all you fights.

It's a major thank you from Major Murder.

But I've never seen

someone really special.

Uh, is that your daughter?

My daughter?

It's my wife!

I'm sorry, she just

looks a lot younger than you.

That's depressing.

Do I really look that

much older than her?

I just...

I must be able to

stare away this because...

Rosie and I went to high school together.

I started dating when I was a junior and

she was a sophomore.

My pal used to razz me

about her being younger.

I'm sure you've made your

murder, those guys, huh?

Actually, I just cried a lot.

I may not look like it now, but back in

high school I was a

very sensitive fat kid.

Bullshit.

No, no, real shit.

My name's Albert, so I get called Fat

Albert because of the cartoon.

Oh, Bill Cosby.

Now that's an American treasure.

That man will always be beloved.

So, you know, back in high school I was

always very sensitive about my weight.

But...

Rosie?

She always made me forget I was fat.

She always made me feel like I was thin.

So you made a Mrs. Major Murder.

Well, actually, Mrs. Albert Holstein.

Major Murder's real

name's Albert Holstein?

Yeah, and a Holstein is a kind of cow.

So, you know, in high school

there's a lot of cow names.

Cow names?

Yeah, like The Moo Man, Mr. Steak, Utter

Buddy, you know, Hugh Heffer.

You had Pasteur Ass, and

I'd get Milky Tits, Cow Pie.

Yeah, just a lot of cow-themed cruelty.

Hey, thanks for being a fan.

And please don't tell

anybody how I really talk.

Or about the cow names.

Yo, Major!

You gonna go storm those

cheeks like it's on the whole beach?

If you have to ask, then you

ain't up to the task, soldier!

What are you doing back

here? Your ass is banned.

Which means my life is pretty much over.

So I'm just thinking about

hurling myself down the stairs.

Who are you, Father Cares?

Is that an Exorcist joke?

Well, it's not an Exorcist to the Heretic joke.

I respect John Borman too much. I'm not a human. Well, it's not an

Exorcist to the Heretic joke.

I respect John Borman too much.

You know who John Borman is?

Holy shit.

The charm of making?

You've seen Excalibur?

You think I make three dollars and five

cents an hour because

I can't get a real job?

Movies are my life, dude.

That's why you work here.

No, that's why I'm leaving here.

I'm moving to Providence next week.

What's in Providence?

I'm going to the Rhode

Island School of Design.

Like Martha Coolidge.

Martha Coolidge, the director?

Yeah. You know who Martha Coolidge is?

Yeah, movies are my life too.

Valley Girl is in my top ten.

That guy Nick Cage is a genius.

Have you seen Birdie?

Oh yeah, I've seen

every Alan Parker film.

You know who Alan Parker is?

Duh.

Fame and the Waller is so rad.

But Martha Coolidge, man, she's my idol.

I wouldn't be a director like her.

This is so cool.

I've never met anyone who

wanted to be a director before.

Sure you have.

Just look in the mirror.

Me?

A director?

Nah.

I just thought I

should have gone to movies.

Yeah, man. That's how it starts.

Most people come to movies to escape

their lives, but people like us,

we come here because

movies make life make sense.

Out here, man, the world's full of lies.

But in there, they tell a

lie that tells the truth.

And the truth about you

and me is we're filmmakers.

We just haven't made our films.

Yet.

Yet.

Whoa.

That girl's real, right?

Thanks.

Hi.

Melody Barnigan.

Hi, Brian David.

You look...

...resplendent.

Okay, Dr. Dictionary.

Let's go see Buckleak.

I don't think we can get in.

Because it's right at our...

Well, more because I got banned.

Oh, my God. Like Danny Banks.

Kind of.

So how are we gonna see Buckleak?

Okay.

I have an idea.

Let's drop more skin to my shitting.

Give me a second.

Okay.

Excuse me, manager Mike.

Oh, wow.

What kid I just banned?

Hi.

I wanted to ask you about that.

I know me and my

friends were obnoxious today.

But I stand here before you as a man...

...to beg you to leave the ban.

And why would I do that?

You see that, girl? Yeah?

That's Melody Barnigan.

The raddest woman I ever met.

And last summer I was

too scared to ask her out.

But this morning I invited her to the

movies at your theater and she said yes.

Congratulations.

This could be the

greatest night of my life.

Please lift the ban this one time so we can go to the movies.

It'd mean everything to me.

And I'll do anything.

I'll leave you more

here for free or something.

Please.

Sir.

What do you say?

What do I say?

I don't know.

Anybody like that?

I say Munchkins from the Marielle Land of

Oz belong on the movie screen.

Not in my movie theater.

[laughs]

Hey!

Listen up, loser.

You got a lot of balls calling this guy

Munchkin when you're

short as shit yourself.

How?

You remind me of my daughter.

I hate my daughter.

And you got a lot of nerve talking to me

like that Minnie Mouse.

I'm in the movie business.

I talk to studios.

So you're just a little kid who looks

like a daughter that I can't stand.

So what do you know?

I know you don't know shit

about the movie business.

Because if you did you wouldn't act like

such a poser and drive around in your

stupid looking movie movie.

Okay.

He's not a Munchkin.

He's a nice guy.

Something you don't understand at all

because you are an asshole.

Now?

Well let me tell you

something, little girl.

Now, you're banned for life too.

You and Bilbo Baggins here are never

getting inside my

movie theater ever again.

Clap to that.

Clap to that.

Clap.

Ah!

Oh my God!

Oh my...

Oh my movie movie!

No!

No!

Are you okay?

Get inside.

The party just crashed the

structure in the movie movie.

Add the distraction so

you guys can get inside.

So, get inside.

Oh, this stupid car in my truck!

I only have eight more payments on it.

Oh, yay!

Oh my God!

Hey, Pat Benatar, this is rated R movie.

You can't come in here.

Some guy just crashed

into the movie movie though.

No way, really?

Ha ha!

There is a God!

Come in.

Here.

Sorry, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Holy shit.

That was the most

amazing thing I ever did.

You totally tore that

asshole, a new asshole.

He deserves it.

I hate boys.

You're amazing.

Melody Barnigan.

Took all day, but here we are.

We're finally gonna see our 4.30 movie.

And nobody's gonna stop us.

Is that so?

Mom?

What the hell are you doing here?

We're here to see Astro Blaster.

You're so full of

shit your eyes are brown.

This is an Astro Blaster.

This is Bucklek.

And Bucklek is rated R.

What are you doing here, Melody?

Bucklek is rated R.

She said she's going

to see Astro Blaster,

but she's sneaking into R

rated movies with this guy.

Mm, so much drama.

We're supposed to be seeing a comedy.

This is why I told you

we should have gone home

when Poltergeist 2 wasn't playing.

Wait a minute.

You came to see

Poltergeist 2 with Aunt Connie?

You said you had to see it with me.

Don't turn us around, okay?

You're the one in trouble here, Missy.

I love you with you after Bucklek.

Get the hell out of here before I call

the manager and have you banned.

So fair.

Can you believe this?

Finally, it's kinda cute.

Your mom looks pretty pissed.

She is pissed?

Well, I'm pissed too.

Who does she think she is?

Yelling at me in front of you and

everybody in the theater?

She's the one trying to

see Poltergeist 2 without me.

What do you want to do?

Have sex and get pregnant.

That'll show her.

That's what you need?

No, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Let's go.

She treats me like I'm a baby.

I can't stand it.

Shouldn't we get you home

so you don't get in trouble?

No, I'm already in trouble.

And the minute I get home, I'm gonna be

grounded for the rest of my life.

So I might as well enjoy it today.

Gracie!

What? What?

Doesn't it feel great to run?

It's just all across the country.

I think I'm having a hard day.

Raise your arms above your head.

And you get up.

You ever think about what you want to be

when you grow up, Brian Davis?

Toss, toss.

What do you want to be?

I want to be a dean.

Like a dean at a college?

You want to be the guy that's always

giving animals a hard time?

No.

I want to be the girl that's always

giving animals a hard time.

I never knew anybody

who wanted to be a dean.

That's so...weird.

So what do you want to do?

And don't say me.

I want to be a writer.

Why think?

I can see that.

I love to read the stuff you wrote in my

yearbook last summer.

You started out making fun of what

everybody else said.

You wrote, "Have a great summer. See you

over the summer. Summer of the year."

And then I signed a summer program.

I was hysterical.

But then you filled a whole page telling

me how adorable I am.

And how super nice and smart.

My mom read it.

And she said it was beautiful.

So yeah, you're totally

going to be a writer someday.

Man.

How do you...you're always so positive.

Not as much as I'm not negative.

Does anything make you sad?

Like what about a nuclear war?

With the Russians drop the bomb on us

today, my mom can't ground me.

See? You do that. You're...you're all

about the silver liners.

Like...everything went wrong for me today.

But then... everything went wrong for me today.

But then you came along

and made it all better.

If everything went right today, you and

me would be watching Buckleck.

But this is way better.

I said almost perfect.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Then...

Will you go out with me?

Melody Barga?

We are out, Brian Davis.

I mean his boyfriend-girlfriend.

I didn't know what you meant.

Then I don't know.

Is it because I'm short?

Jesus.

Did you just stop with that shit?

I don't think of you as short.

Then what do you think of me, Anna?

I think of you as...

the most interesting guy I ever met.

I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not the best interesting guy I ever met.

All this stuff you talk about...

the way you see the world...

what you wrote in my yearbook...

you always make me think...

and laugh.

And you're like the

funniest person I know.

Yeah?

The only place you come up short...

is in how little you know about girls.

Because I was gonna let you get to second

base in my pool last summer...

and then I never heard from you again.

Until today.

Yeah, but I've been thinking about you

ever since that day.

I'm so full of shit. Your eyes are brown.

You really expect me to believe you

thought about me for an entire year?

Or ever?

Oh my God, are you like pulling it out?

Is that a tape recorder?

It's a writing thing.

I read that real writers use a tape

recorder to help

organize important thoughts.

Important thoughts like this.

Beatbox pricing!

Shit!

I finally called Melody Beinegett and

invited her out to the movies.

Why?

Lask.

One word.

Love.

I got 24 karat case of love.

[music]

You're like the coolest girl I ever met.

And all I wanna do is...

is watch movies with you.

I wanna watch movies with you too.

And...

Hey!

[music]

So is this me or my

boyfriend or girlfriend now?

I hope so.

Because if I was ever gonna make a movie

about today, that's how

I'd want the movie to end.

Yeah? You think today

could ever be a movie?

As long as there are end credits. And a

song. Today could totally be a movie.

[music]

[music]

[music] [music]

Yes or no?

I say yes.

Why?

Because I can tell

you really wanna do it.

What if I'm not good at it?

Then I can teach you. I have experience.

Then I'm like a virgin.

Yeah. You got that right.

Oh yeah!

Yeah!

Miss melody.

Sir Bernie.

So, did he go in? Yeah.

He's hesitating.

You got this. You just... you get in

there. How you doing?

Well, watch.

Well, I definitely can't do

it with everybody watching.

Yes, you can. You're full of BDE.

It's Brian David energy.

That's cute.

Come on, Bri. Booby. The sooner you get

this over with, the sooner

we get to go to the diner.

Where I have a pork roll egg

and cheese with my name on it.

They can write asshole in a Kaiser room?

You're funny, but you're lucky, right?

You're lucky that I have as much respect

as I do for the lovely Miss Melody here.

Otherwise, I just might have to put the

rippling dead on you.

Yeah, are we wrestling?

No! No!

Nobody's wrestling. Nobody's wrestling. Nobody's wrestling.

We're not.

All right. Take it to

Def Con 5 War Games.

Are you ready to do this?

I'm nervous.

Jesus, Bri. We're not

talking about circumcision here.

You're just applying for a shitty job.

You go in there, you fill out the

bullshit form, you come

out, we go eat. Right?

What do you think, babe?

Yeah, come on, babe.

What do you think?

Yeah, babe.

Yeah, babe. What's up, babe?

It's your turn.