Original subtitles

And now on Mr. Young...

- [Principle Tater] - Where's my office again?

This map of Western High

is of no use to me!

[yelps]

Derby!

What are you doing?

I was napping.

- I have shop, and I figured - it was canceled.

Why?

Because Mr. Manx

lost an arm and a leg...

in that real estate scheme...

and decided to end his life...

here at Finnegan...

and moved to Africa

to help children...

- where he was attacked - by a lion?

- What? That's the end - of the story.

He's dead.

That's terrible!

I was enjoying that story.

Anyway, shop class

is not canceled.

You have a new teacher...

Mr. Pickles!

Derby!

Nice to "saw" you!

"Saw me"?

Did I say "saw"?

I meant... saw.

He seems nice.

Anyway, I'll be

in your hammock.

[saw buzzes]

[whimpers]

♪ Goodbye, summer

hello, fall ♪

- ♪ We've been trying - to get here ♪

♪ Since we both

were barely two feet tall ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

- ♪ You can call me - what you want ♪

♪ But I won't hear a word

where I am hid ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

Preston Pickles?

You're my new shop teacher?

Yep.

How you been? Good?

- I bet you've been - better than I've been.

I was ruined by that whole

Hair Today debacle.

Ruined?

Ruined, I tell ya, ruined.

I lost everything.

I had to take this job

as a high school shop teacher.

I've been living out of my car

- and eating nothing but - beef jerky pants.

I'm down to this

last pair of shorts.

You don't blame me

for any of that, do you?

No. Old news!

- Preston Pickles - does not hold grudges.

- He doesn't?

- Not this guy.

- You think if I'd held grudges, - I'd have taken a job

Where I'd have to

see you every day?

Probably.

You couldn't be more wrong.

- Why would anyone want - to be this close

To their mortal enemy?

"Mortal enemy"?

Figure of speech...

like "bane of my existence,"

or "person I'm going to kill."

Aah!

Wow. You'd think

you'd never seen a man

eat his pants before.

[smooching]

Oh, sorry!

New girlfriend, Derby?

Girlfriend?

Don't put any ideas in her head.

We're just kissing.

[smooching]

why are you kissing a pig?

- I found out one of my teachers - is plotting to get rid of me.

What? Tater and I were just

chatting about possibilities.

Anyway, that still

doesn't explain the pig.

Or the kissing of the pig.

You call yourself a scientist.

A lot of diseases

come from pigs,

and I'm trying to get a disease.

- If I'm sick, I don't - have to come to school,

- And Mr. Pickles won't - be able to hurt me.

The pig's name is Mr. Pickles?

No! My shop teacher's name

is Mr. Pickles.

This isn't a boy pig.

- I wouldn't put - a boy pig in a dress.

That'd be weird.

[smooching]

Finnegan!

Finnegan!

Hope someday we win again!

[cheering]

[chicken clucking]

Bock-bock-bock!

[clucking]

Mr. Tater, can we

talk about this?

Our school mascot

is a fried chicken.

So?

It sends an

unhealthy message.

I mean, just look at

our track team.

Well, they don't win a lot,

but the end-of-year banquet

is very well attended.

- No, there's no way - I'm going to that shop class!

- Derby, resistance is...

- Futile?

Actually, it's the force

that tends to oppose motion

until it is released!

Whoa!

Oh, good!

Derby!

Your timing's dead on.

I'm making you a present.

And you're going to

wrap it in that box?

Sure.

- I'm telling you, - Pickles is out to get me.

- Yes, he threatened you - with a table saw

And measured you for a coffin,

but that was yesterday.

That's true.

He hasn't tried to hurt me

all day.

In fact, he gave me this apple.

- Derby, that's going - to explode!

In my mouth with flavor?

I bet you're right.

Ugh!

This is mealy.

I told you that man was evil.

[explosion]

- Mr. Tater, you got hit - by the blast?

Oh, no.

This is my new mascot idea:

char-broiled chicken!

Nothing?

OK, back to the drawing board.

See? I told you

Pickles is out to get me.

- We'll settle this - once and for all.

- I've invited him here - to take a polygraph test.

My life is on the line,

- and you're going to - test him on geometry?

A polygraph is a lie detector.

It uses voice stress, pulse,

and sweat production

to determine whether or not

someone is telling the truth.

Ooh! Ask him if this shoe iron

is really a $200 value.

Who am I kidding? It is!

Pickles is on his way!

Hide!

Relax. I did not just

tear off my skin.

This is a skeleton costume.

Oh, phew,

because I was worried.

[doorbell rings]

Portable doorbell,

which eliminates

the painful task of knocking.

Of course, you should

also get my doorbell ringer,

- which eliminates - the painful task

Of pushing a doorbell.

[doorbell rings]

- Thanks for coming by, - Mr. Pickles.

- I was hoping, - as a fellow inventor,

- You might be able - to help me test out

My lie detector.

Pie detector? You're too late!

It eliminates the painful task

of finding pies.

[pie detector beeps]

Actually, I said

"lie detector."

I'm going to ask you

a few basic questions

- just to make sure - the machine is working.

Shoot. I have nothing to hide...

except my lawyers say I can't

talk about the Preston Pickles

teeth whitening hammer.

OK, will you please

state your name?

The name's Preston Pickles.

That's odd.

I'm not getting a reading.

- All right, what's - your occupation?

TV pitchman turned

high school teacher.

Like I always say,

children are our future...

consumers.

The machine's not registering

any fluctuations

in voice stress.

Do you always talk

in that same voice?

Yes, I do! It makes everything

sound fun and exciting...

which is why I'm never asked

to speak at funerals.

- OK, but it's also - not registering a pulse

Or any sweat production.

Well, that I cannot explain.

[water trickling]

Puzzling!

Ahh.

Anyway, if we're done here,

I need to get back to

killing Derby.

- Great. Your lie detector - didn't work.

Now we'll never know

if he's out to get me.

Help! Help!

- Mr. Pickles, - what are you doing?!

- Nothing!

- Stop it!

- Your hands are around - Derby's neck!

No, they're not.

See?

Gotta run.

You all right?

No! Pickles is never

going to stop

trying to get revenge.

- He was the world's - greatest inventor,

- And now, thanks to me, - he's nothing.

That's it! He'll back off

if we invent a new product

that will make him millions!

Millions?

I tell you, millions!

There's only one way to

react to an idea like that.

Echo?

I considered what you said

about the mascot costume

sending an unhealthy

message, and I agree.

You're pretty smart

for someone who gets

their education here.

But you're still a bucket

of fried chicken.

Nope.

Now I'm a chicken strip.

- Chicken strip?

- If you say so.

[band plays a striptease theme]

Mr. Tater, please stop!

I'll just finish

my first number.

[band resumes]

[students boo and hiss]

At least they're not eating

their chicken anymore.

[booing and jeering]

- OK, we need to come up with - an invention for Pickles

That will get him off your back.

That should be easy,

- since I'm an infomercial - prodigy and you're...

A genius?

- I was going to say - here to assist me.

- Most infomercial - products are aimed at

Housewives, senior citizens,

and farm animals.

You don't have to

keep working out.

- You're beautiful - the way you are.

[oinking]

I like a little meat

on my pig.

My point is,

- there's an entire - untapped market:

High school students.

- Think of all - the amazing products

We would use every day.

The textbook pillow!

It looks exactly

like a textbook!

No, it doesn't.

Your teacher will never know.

Yes, he will.

The locker shower!

You think you could invent

a locker shower curtain?

Tired of bullies

stealing your lunch?

They'll never know where it is,

thanks to "Hide-A-Lunch."

Simply place your lunch bag

in the patented

"Hide-A-Lunch"

camouflage system...

and your lunch

is safely out of sight.

It's in that bag.

Or is it?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

The un-erasable pencil.

So, like a pen?

Derby, none of your ideas

are going to work.

[snoring]

What?

Sorry, I was just reading.

Derby?

Hola, muchacho.

Derby, I know you're afraid

of Preston Pickles,

- but you can't run away - and hide in Mexico.

I'm not running away to Mexico.

- I just quit school - to get away from him

And got a job

at El Taco Bandito.

You don't have to quit school.

Pickles is working in the

wood shop. I bet you right now,

- he's coming up with - his next great invention.

[Pickles] Hey, Mr. Young!

Check out my next

great invention!

The Derbinator 3000!

See?

A Derby terminator,

hence the name

"Derbinator."

Derby not included.

Ay, dios mio!

Wait a second!

[Derbinator powers down]

I know who you are!

Someone who works at

El Taco Bandito!

I was thinking of going there

for a celebratory chimichanga

right after I end Derby's life.

- Do you know how late - they're open?

I don't speak English.

You just said that in English.

That's all I know how to say:

"I don't speak English"...

and "that's all

I know how to say."

That's it.

Only that.

Nothing else.

Anyway, gotta go.

I'm on my lunch break.

Derby!

If only I'd used the

Hide-A-Lunch camouflage system

and not written my name

in un-erasable pencil.

Prepare to feel the wrath

of the Derbinator 3000!

Mr. Young, I'll see you at the

staff meeting on Thursday.

Skip breakfast, because I'm

bringing my lemon squares!

No, wait!

- Why didn't you spend your time - and creative energy

On a real invention?

I mean, who would buy a machine

whose only purpose

is to get rid of me?

Although, if you're successful,

cancel my order.

Ayuda! Ayuda!

[cheering]

Chicken wrap?

That doesn't look like

a whole wheat robe.

Actually, I did some research,

and it turns out

that the healthiest

type of chicken is...

skinless chicken!

[Echo screams]

[all scream]

Ow, ow, ow!

Stop it!

He's not only skinless chicken,

he's free-range.

Ow!

[Pickles] Get back here, Derby!

You can't hide from

the Derbinator 3000!

[students screaming]

It comes fully equipped

- with the latest - Derby-recognition software

And tracking technology!

[beeping]

Aha!

Found you!

You were just talking to me.

You described how

the whole thing works.

Found you!

[beeping]

- [Derby] Adam, you've got - to stop him!

He's trying to Derbinate me!

If you want to get to Derby,

you're going to have to

go through me first!

Oh, I guess you could

go around me.

[Derby] Get away!

[Derby] Uh-oh!

[Pickles] And now,

I'll squeeze you!

[Pickles] Ha!

Nice try!

[knives whirring]

- These evenly-sliced cucumbers - really spruce up

This otherwise pedestrian salad.

[Pickles] Missed me!

[Adam] Wait!

I had ham this morning.

How about the salami?

[knives whirring]

[Adam] Thank you!

[Derby] Help, help!

Preston, stop!

Don't you see

what you've invented here?

Yes... a machine that

rids the world of Derby!

It also makes fresh-squeezed

juices, tasty salads,

and delicious sandwiches!

This isn't a bad last meal.

Needs a little mustard.

Say, Preston,

do you still have

those condiment cufflinks?

Ha!

[cheering and applause]

Hi. I'm Preston Pickles.

- You may know me - from the shoe iron,

The portable doorbell,

and various

class-action lawsuits.

But that's not

why I'm here today.

If you're like me,

- your kitchen is - probably cluttered

With nearly hundreds

of appliances.

Well, say goodbye

to all of them...

thanks to the space-saving

Kitchenator 3000!

[cheering and applause]

It's a juicer,

it's a vegetable chopper,

and it's a sandwich maker

all in one!

Here comes my partner,

chef Derby, to demonstrate.

[cheering and applause]

Does this thing have a brake?

You'll have plenty of breaks...

[Derby] Uh-oh.

Thanks to all the time

- the Kitchenator 3000 - will save you.

And it's yours

for only 700 easy payments

of $9.95.

[applause]

- Shouldn't I have had - a lesson on this thing?

[students yelping]

[Derby] Oh, no!

[Pickles] Derby,

I'll get you for this!

So our new mascot

is a bald man

in a sweater vest?

Because that's already

Western High's mascot.

That mascot creeps me out.

- Anyway, Echo, - I've given up.

Health and sports

just do not mix.

What? Yeah, I said

you creep me out.

Look at you.

OK, I see where this is going.

But I'm not interested

in a fight.

Violence and sports

just do not mix.

[Tater yelps]

I knew it!

Sportsmanship and sports

just do not mix!

Mr. Tater, get off Mr. Tater!

[students booing and jeering]

Thanks, everyone.

You chased him off.

You're good people!

[booing and jeering]

[Mr. Tater yelps out in pain]

Stop it!

[yelping continues]