Original subtitles

-Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small. -What do you mean?

Those politicians you mentioned

who were dumping stocks while lying about the virus--

turns out one of them is from around here.

Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.

And she is loaded.

I'm not robbing any congresswoman. It's not who I am.

I'm not a criminal.

What if you could be a teacher after we're done?

I told you. They won't let me be a teacher.

So, stop being you. I can get you a brand new identity.

You could start fresh. I just need you for a few weeks first.

If they stop, do you think you can get out?

I already tried.

Once the door latches, it locks from the outside.

-But if you guys are following me... -[phone beeps]

-What happened? -We lost service. Ugh!

We must be in a dead zone.

[Paula] Right after we approve the vaccine,

I'll know exactly which drug companies to invest in before anyone else.

-Forget the blackmail. -What are you talking about?

She's liquidating all their art,

lying to her housekeeper about some bogus college fund

and using inside information to get rich

while the people who voted for her die.

We're not gonna blackmail her.

We're gonna make sure she doesn't get away with it

and steal every dime she has while we're at it.

This just turned into a bank robbery.

Hey, what happened with that auction?

How much is in that bank account we're gonna get our hands on?

Oh, shit. With all the kidnapping and torture,

I forgot to tell you.

-Does that say...? -2.5 million, yeah.

[both laughing]

[shouting] Aaah!

[♪ "Talk About the Good Times" by Jerry Reed plays]

Shh.

Congratulations on your decision to better yourself while serving time.

I'd like to start by going around the room and learning

why you've chosen English Composition.

I joined because I want to, like,

learn some bigger words

because last time I wrote a letter to the parole...

um, you know, the-- the people that run the parole stuff. Um...

What do you call 'em?

-Board. -Bored?

Won't be so bored if I bit off the front of your face

and spit it down your throat, now, would it?

Anyway, I-- I wanna learn some bigger words

so I can show my parole people that I can safely join the community.

We'll work on that.

Oh, I believe I see a finger up in the back.

I was hoping to learn how to write a better manifesto.

The local paper said mine lacked clarity and structure.

The also didn't appreciate I dotted all my I's with boogers.

Okie-doke.

Yes.

I love to read, so writing interests me.

I've always wanted to know more about the semicolon.

Plus, this class is a prerequisite

that I have to take if I wanna get my online degree.

Prerequisite?

That's a big word.

Sounds like it has a number in it, right?

It has a number in it?

Yeah, yeah.

I think there's an eight in there towards the tail end.

I still can't believe it.

It took forever to get, but I did it.

It's on fancy paper and everything.

It couldn't have taken that long. You're not even 30 yet.

"Not even 30." Maybe in dog years.

Shh!

[Gloria] I am so proud of you.

When we get out of here, we are gonna celebrate.

You know, I've never had sex with a teacher before.

I mean, a few have tried, but...

Well, I've never had sex with an older woman before,

so you might end up being the teacher.

Are you hearing this bullshit?

Stop talking to that bug about me!

[buzzer sounding]

They're gonna be coming around. I'd better go.

Sweet dreams, papi.

[toilets flushing]

Hey, why do you wanna be a teacher? They don't make dick.

Ain't always about the money.

Education is the most powerful weapon that you can use to change the world.

Nelson Mandela said that.

That has a nice ring to it. "Nelson."

Hey, I think I'm gonna call you Nelson.

Bro, you should see Nelson with this Oreo.

He's buggin'.

Ah, shit.

I think I just learned the true meaning of that word-- buggin'.

Hey, who's the teacher now, bitch? [goofy laugh]

"Nelson."

[Gloria screams]

[Gloria] Dammit!

[Gloria] Fuck!

[Gloria] Shit, shit, shit, shit.

-What's going on? -We got problems.

Last night on the security cameras, I heard the rich bitch talking to

Old Wrinkly Balls about the--

Wait, so we're doing codenames with the congresswoman and her husband?

-That's dope. -We're not doing codenames. I was just--

-Codenames would be cool. -I'm down with it.

Fine. Codenames.

-I heard the rich lady tell her-- -[both] "Rich Bitch."

-She told her husband. -[Jack and Barb] "Old Wrinkly Balls."

She told him that she has a meeting tomorrow morning to

find out which companies will make the vaccine.

[yawning] That's good.

It's been, like, three weeks. I thought this pandemic would never end.

-It's not good. -Antivaxxer. There's always one.

It's not good because as soon as Rich Bitch finds out which companies

to invest in, she will clear out her secret bank account,

which means there will be no money left for us to steal.

Evil wins, the rich get richer, and our whole plan here goes to shit.

Wait, that's a plan? I thought it was really cool wallpaper.

I've been looking for it online.

What do you mean the whole plan goes to shit?

The plan can't go to shit. We need that money.

-You promised me a new identity. -And we got a wedding to pay for.

Usually the father of the bride pays, but he made me choose between a wedding

-and an ostrich at my bat mitzvah. -[Barb] I got big plans, too.

My hot, younger online boyfriend might not exist, but my fat knees still do.

-Lipo ain't cheap. -Your knees aren't fat.

-You don't think so? -Guys, focus!

We have to get the money out of the account

before she gets to that meeting tomorrow morning.

Okay, well, the account is in the housekeeper's name, right?

Since we have her license,

can't you just go into the bank and pretend to be her?

I can, but I can't get anywhere without the account number.

Yeah, I thought I would be able to see which key she pressed

when she logged in to check her balance.

She used to see his email as a username,

but when she went to type in the password, her husband's pasty thigh got in the way.

Ugh, that's so white. It looks like it's... Well...

It looks like it's covered in paste. I guess you nailed it with "pasty."

Ugh! If we just had that password, we can log in and get the account number.

[Rooster] Hey, what about that weird Russian chick who got us

the password for the security cameras?

I already tried. She's on a juice fast, and she got really bitchy with me.

-She wants 600 grand, so screw that. -Hey, wait. Did you see this?

There's a thing you can click here that says forgot password.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

Holy shit, Jack. You're a genius.

-Click it. -Yeah?

Oh, wait.

Now we have to answer some riddle. "What is the make--"

[Gloria] "And model of your first car?

What is the name of your first pet? What is your favorite song?"

You were being sarcastic when you called me a genius, weren't you?

No.

[phone ringing]

Oh, shit. It's my folks.

What time is it there? Is everything okay?

When you were in prison, locked in a room with the same person day in and day out,

did you ever fantasize about killing them?

What's going on, Mom?

All your father talks about is what he ate, what he's eating,

what he's going to eat next.

I can't take it anymore. I packed up my stuff and I found my own place.

[refrigerator rattles]

-Ma, you can't live under a table. -Who are you talking to?

Jack.

-Hey, Jack. -Hi, Dad. How are you doing?

[groaning]

Not so great. Your mother left me.

I heard. Look, guys, trust me. I know being stuck in a room can be rough.

But I'm going to come to San Diego, and I'm going to get you out of there.

I promise.

We just have, uh... We just have a few things we need to figure out.

"We"? Does that mean your girlfriend's coming with you?

Oh. Gloria?

I don't know.

I mean, we haven't talked about it. And he's not my-- actually...

-I don't know what she is. -I thought she was Latina.

I've been picturing Charo.

No, he means he doesn't know if Gloria is his girlfriend or not.

Why don't you just ask her if she wants to come with you?

-Then you'll know. -Well, that's easier said than done, Ma.

When I was talking to her through the toilet in prison,

I could flirt, I could say anything.

But actually looking her in the eye and asking her if she--

I don't know, if she likes me?

She wants to go across the country with me?

-It's hard. -Does she not speak English?

No, Dad, she speaks English. Look, it's not her. It's me.

I was planning on having more money before making this move.

-It's turned into a bit of a puzzle. -Maybe you could pick up some extra work.

I saw on the news that parents are getting frustrated with online learning,

and the demand for tutors is through the roof.

-Tutoring? -I had a chicken salad sandwich yesterday.

Herb, your testicle is hanging out of your underwear. Tuck it in.

Looks like your upper thigh is trying to blow a bubble.

[Rooster] Look, if you zoom in on the video, you could see the password.

It's six dots. Help me find the dot key.

-Where's Gloria? -She went for a drive.

She said her ideas were giving her a headache.

Try the 'O'. Kind of looks like a dot if you didn't know it was an 'O'.

-It's a dot! We cracked it! -The housekeeper, Lucia, has a kid, right?

Yeah.

That's how the congresswoman got her to open the bank account.

She lied to her and said she's gonna put money in it for her kid's college.

Wow, I guess I've been listening more than I thought.

Shit. Didn't work. Maybe it's a capital dot.

Which one of these is the make-things-bigger button?

Hey, if you're thinking of kidnapping the kid

and asking for the password as ransom, Gloria already shot that down.

A lot of people think technology is great.

I don't think it's as good as it's cracked up to be.

Social media has ruined the art of stalking women.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.

People are so obsessed with sharing every detail of their life.

I mean, I get it.

You're at Target buying socks. I mean, let me work for it.

Although...

There are some apps that suggest other women you might know

who may be fun to stalk, so I guess there's pros and cons.

So my dumbass cousin, Linwood, gets this email telling him

he's won tickets to the Super Bowl.

So, he goes to collect, right, but it's actually the police

scooping people up with outstanding warrants.

Linwood is like, "I didn't know that you can make fake emails and shit."

I'm like, "Dude, this is your third time falling for this, dumbass."

But now my boy pulling five figures, scamming people with his own fake emails.

My point is sometimes the cops do help people.

I'm telling you, man, trust me.

People are easy to manipulate if you know the right buttons and push.

The best scam I ever pulled was a fake children's modeling agency.

Paco!

Your school's having an essay contest, and you've been selected to enter!

His teacher said he's special.

Once you tell a parent their kid is special,

they will give you every dime that they own.

Plus, you get pictures of the kids.

[groans]

Oh, find my laptop. They sent a link so you can

-get the details from the English tutor. -All right, let's focus.

Like I said, you need to turn in the essay today if you want to win the contest.

-Writing is boring. -Okay.

I'm so stupid.

I know nothing about flowers. Well, that point was just an example.

Yours can be about anything.

The secret to writing is choosing something you're passionate about.

Hmm.

What rhymes with "meth"?

[all] "Death."

What if I told you that the essay you need to write is about a superhero?

Which one?

You. You get to be the superhero, and you can use your imagination

to have whatever superpowers you want.

I want to be made of electricity so people can use me to charge their phone.

Okay, that's very much a hero for today's world.

But first, every superhero has an origin story.

So your first assignment is to find out everything you can

about where you came from-- your mother.

Grab a pencil.

I want you to find out where your mother grew up,

what her favorite color is, her favorite song.

Yes, I'm sure I didn't request no pizza sauce or cheese.

What kind of a lunatic orders just a naked crust?

This is bullshit!

I don't know how it happened either,

but my son is staring at a giant bread frisbee.

-You need to send another pizza. -Wait a second.

I think I opened it upside down.

Never mind.

My future daughter-in-law just got outsmarted by a cardboard box.

Where have you been all day?

I drove to the congresswoman's hoping that once it got dark,

I would find a bank statement in her garbage,

but all I discovered were that the fish tacos they had last night weren't a hit.

[printer whirring]

Hey, I think we're getting a fax.

It's a printer. I found it in your mom's stolen loot.

I hooked it up last night.

-Oh, good, it printed. -What is it?

It's an essay written by Lucia's son. Read this part.

The Paco-nator's mother, Lucia, drove home from the hospital

in her first car, a blue Dodge Neon.

Yeah. And this one.

Every time the Paco-nator hears his mother's favorite song,

"Groove is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite, his powers multiply.

The Paco-nator's trusty sidekick is Bailey The Flying Hamster,

named after his mother's first pet. Jack!

-How did you get this? -I emailed Lucia.

I told her her son had been chosen to be in an essay writing contest,

and I pretended to be a tutor.

Well, shit. Look at you.

I guess some of Gloria's con artist skills rubbed off on you when you two boned.

You two boned? Aww.

Paco-nator sounds more like a robot, not a superhero.

I'd have him change that if he wanted to win the contest.

-I can't believe it. You solved it. -I know.

I actually had all the answers a couple of hours ago,

but the kid was struggling with contractions.

I really enjoy teaching. It's very...

Rewarding. [sniffs]

Hey, why are you hanging it on the wall? Don't you want to put the answers in?

-Not yet. -[Barb] Why not?

Because I've been thinking, once we get the password,

we could just transfer the money online

and I don't have to do all this nonsense with Stan.

Yeah, that'd be great, but online transfers have limits and safeguards.

Computers are a hard target. The softer target is people.

We need a softy like Stan.

Plus, when we mess with the password,

the bank is going to send the congresswoman an alert on her phone.

So, all this needs to get done when we know she's in a place

-she can't get any notifications. -How will we know that?

That's what this is all about. Everybody, get comfortable.

We have a lot to go through before tomorrow morning.

"Super Paco"!

-I was thinking that, too! -Soul mates.

We're talking baby names, right?

♪ ♪

It's a little late to be changing my plan. We're leaving in a few minutes.

No, I wasn't. I thought it'd be cool to show what happens after the plan.

I got Rooster and Wiggles getting married.

Barb with skinny knees, although I still think she's being crazy.

And I'm over here with my parents, teaching in San Diego.

That's cute.

Is there, I don't know, anywhere in particular you want me to put you?

Just make sure there's a margarita in my hand, and I'm good.

Are you sure I need to say all this to Stan when we FaceTime?

-That poor sap is gonna soil his dockers. -Yes, I'm sure.

I thought we would have more time to ease into it,

-but it has to happen this morning. -I think something's been nibbling

the cheese that represents the Swiss bank account.

Could be the mice,

or it's the raccoon that likes to let himself in every now and again.

Also, Rooster had some hermit crabs that climbed out of their cage

about 20 years ago that we never found.

-There's a lot of suspects. -[Rooster] Come on.

Just practice with me a few more times.

-I've got to go to work, baby. -[Jack] This early?

I thought bikini bars are more of a mid-afternoon-evening kind of situation.

We've been opening early for essential workers.

Not all heroes wear clothes.

Good luck with your bank robbery.

Bless her stupid little monkey brain.

She thinks it's like the wallpaper in Willy Wonka's house.

We need to call this off. I haven't had enough time to prepare for the role.

Rooster, it's a 30-second phone call. I thought you had acting experience.

Your mom told me you got your nickname because you were in Annie as a kid.

In Annie, Rooster was a crook. Growing up, I was surrounded by crooks.

I don't know anything about some guy from New York that works in an auction house.

I mean, what makes him tick?

Does he wear a suit? I don't even have a suit.

-No one is going to see you. -Girl, I will see me.

I can't make people believe it if I don't believe it.

Use the tuxedo I brought home from prison. It's covered in moth holes,

but, hey, maybe you got stabbed 100 or so times on your way to your...

catering gig on the Upper West--

No. On the way to your daughter's...

-No. Your niece's wedding in Brooklyn. -There we go. Backstory. Thank you.

Uh-oh, 8:15. We got to roll. Barb, you know what you need to do.

♪ ♪

[FaceTime ringing]

[phone buzzing]

Hi, Barb.

I thought we were FaceTiming later tonight.

I took a gamble and left some dice in your mailbox so we could play Yahtzee.

I had a naughty dream about you last night. I thought we could finish it.

Do sexy thing with-- oh.

Oh, my. Well, actually, I'm over at Mom's, helping her with something.

Can it wait?

I knew it. This is why I don't date buttoned-up, corporate-type Stan.

Everything has to be on a schedule. Maybe this isn't going to work.

No. No, no, no, no.

I'm good.

-I'm here. -Are you sure?

Because I have needs, Stan-- physical needs that have to come first

-if this is going to work. -Of course. I never--

Stan, is this a mole on my ankle or a raisin?

I don't know, Mom. Just give me a minute.

I need a man of spontaneity who doesn't follow all the rules.

Are you a banker or a lover?

I would like to think that I'm capable of being both.

Ow!

It was a mole. I cut it off. Now I'm bleeding.

-Hold on. -Hold on? Love doesn't hold on.

Oh, boy. That is a bit of a gusher here.

Put some pressure on it.

Stan, I need to know what kind of a guy you are.

I'm the guy who will rail you deep into next week, Barb Martinez.

-Beg pardon? -I got what you ache for girl.

I will bend you like a pleasure pretzel and devour every hot,

-salty curve of that sweet Barb booty. -Oh, my.

Let's work each other's bodies until we're like two worn out, dirty

dish rags with every last orgasm squeezed out of us.

-Too much? -No. No, not at all.

-I just wasn't expecting... -Barb, I've had ladies

call me mild-mannered and leave me for some pretty crude alpha males.

When you wanted to start dating, I promised I wouldn't let that happen again.

So, I researched what women find exciting about bad boys.

I took notes, put them in a spreadsheet, ran the numbers,

and this is what it told me.

I needed to give you something you weren't expecting.

You did that for me? Holy shit, that is hot.

I did it myself because of COVID.

It took a few tries. You don't want to see the other one.

You got to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

Ugh! Stan! These raisins taste terrible.

Barb, she's gonna eat her whole foot if I don't...

Yeah. No. No, that's fine. You go ahead and do your thing. I'll call you later.

Oh, my God.

-Okay, here we go. Are you ready? -Yeah, I think so.

Although I do feel I should mention-- I mean, I respect that conning people

is your area of expertise, but what if he starts asking questions

and we don't have the answers,

-and then he starts-- -Shit. Get down.

Get in the back seat. Get in the back seat.

Quick, quick. Take your shoes off.

-What? -Take your shoes off!

Now put them on your head. Put them on your head.

Yeah. What?

Now, if I would have told you ten seconds ago

that you'd be in the backseat with shoes on your head,

would you have believed me?

No.

That's because when people are scared, they don't think. They just act.

This guy's Twitter page says that he's afraid of lightning bugs

and leaving voicemails.

I'm sure it's not going to take much to intimidate him.

Well, you could have just explained that to me.

I could have.

♪ ♪

Collin Davis?

-Yes? -Agent Danielle Sanchez, FBI.

We need to talk to you about your involvement

in a conspiracy to commit tax fraud.

[spitting]

You gotta believe me. I didn't know I was doing anything illegal.

The congresswoman just told me to take all her art to New York, so I did.

-I knew she was up to something. -So you knew?

-No, he didn't. -He just said he did.

He presumed. That's not knowing. We knew nothing.

Really? So I guess you didn't know about the congresswoman selling the art

under the name Lucia Gonzalez so she could avoid paying taxes on the profit.

-I was delivering her pay. -Pay or payoff

so you can keep her quiet about your little moneymaking operation.

The two of you, the congresswoman and Mrs. Gonzalez,

are implicated in a scheme to defraud the United States government.

The two of us? I only agreed to help him out,

because we got in a stupid fight about how I don't support his dumb career.

Dumb career?

Last time I checked, my dumb career was the only thing

keeping us afloat while you pursue your dream.

-Dance is not a dream. It's a calling. -All right, I'm gonna cut to the chase.

The two of you are in a lot of trouble unless you cooperate.

Yes, absolutely. I will do whatever.

I will wear a wire. I will testify. Take my DNA.

Ew. Uh...

Okay. We'll take this to the lab right away.

Mr. Davis, you've been driving the congresswoman

to her office, is that correct?

Ever since she broke her foot when she-- fell down the stairs.

We saw. We see everything.

She has a committee meeting this morning that you'll be taking her to.

We need to be sure she doesn't make it to that meeting.

-Why? -None of your business why.

The FBI doesn't divulge details of an ongoing investigation.

Here's how it's going to work.

You're going to pick her up at 9:00, just like you always do.

Whether she's walking the halls of the capital

or dancing in DC's hottest nightclub,

this congresswoman does both in her chic orthopedic walking boot.

Okay, maybe just dial down the gay

to a seven today. I'm not in the mood.

[Gloria] You'll say you saw some traffic on your way in,

so you're going to take Route 40 to avoid it.

When we were following you the night you moved the art,

we noticed there was a dead zone right past the sign for Oakdale Winery.

Lindsay, are you still there? Lindsay?

[Gloria] Not long after she loses reception on her phone,

you'll round a bend in the road and see Agent Harris.

You better not be stopping for another stupid animal in the road.

-Uh, what's going on? -Tree fell up ahead.

-Should be just a couple of minutes. -Thank you so much.

-What's going on? -There's a tree in the road,

-so we just have to wait, like, a second. -I don't give a shit about trees unless...

[Gloria] Then, no matter what she says, your job is to just sit there

and make sure she doesn't have cell service.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to do that.

-What? -Wha--

If you don't do that, then you're gonna go to prison.

And trust me, prison is no picnic.

-That's okay. I don't like picnics. -Fine. It's no day at the beach.

-Eh. All that sand. -God damn it, man.

Collin, what are you doing? You need to cooperate.

I don't think you understand who they're asking me to betray.

The congresswoman is evil.

-Trust me, I've seen things. -But we're not just talking about you.

What about your boyfriend?

-You're going to let him go down for this? -I've seen him go down for less.

-Excuse me? -You know who I'm talking about.

Besides, all I've been reading about is how they're letting people

out of jail because of COVID. I'll call my uncle.

He's a lawyer. He can probably get us probation.

[groaning, grunting]

Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle!

Just calm down, okay? No one's seen our faces,

and those two are too busy arguing to realize we're not legit.

[muffled arguing]

-See? We're fine. -Fine?

There's no way they're going to cooperate right now.

We got to figure out some other way to get this money.

[Melvin] What money? You better pick this shit up, man.

You're phone. You're phone!

Melvin, not a good time.

Not a good time for me, either.

But since your ass cheek had the audacity

to call me over and over again, tell me what's up.

What money? You doing a job without me, Jake?

No. No job. Just, uh, I'm at the store trying to get a refund for, uh...

Lavender and cucumber hydrating sunscreen.

I heard a girl screaming.

Yeah, some people freaked out when I got closer than six feet.

-Listen, I got to go. -Whoa. Hold up.

If you're at the drugstore, can you get me some lady razors?

I feel like we're close enough to tell you that I shave my legs.

-Really? -Yeah.

One night when I was high, I let a chick do it to me.

And once you get a taste of them smooth-ass calves, it's hard to go back.

Good to know. Will do. Sorry.

If Collin is not there to pick up the congresswoman,

she's gonna order an Uber to take her to the meeting, which means in 15 minutes,

any chance we had at pulling this thing off goes out the window.

Someone needs to pick up the congresswoman.

Who?

Well, I have to be at the bank, and you know how to drive, so...

-No. -Yes.

-No. -Yes.

No.

-14 minutes. -[Melvin] 14 minutes to what?

♪ ♪

[funk music plays]

[phone rings]

Stan has a nipple ring, and I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't a little intrigued.

There's no time, Barb! Things went sideways! Where's Rooster?

Rooster, get in here! Things went...

What word did you use?

Sideways.

Oh, I like that.

Things went sideways.

Well, what direction were they supposed to go?

Not sideways!

The Congresswoman's aide wouldn't agree to help us,

so we had to restrain him and his boyfriend and take their phones.

Jack is gonna have to drive the Congresswoman.

Remember, she's not gonna report this money missing.

Plus, you'll be wearing a mask, so you'll be fine.

You just need to get her into the dead zone by 9:15.

-Got it. -Okay.

[alarm chirps]

9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine...

What are you doing?

A mnemonic device. Helps to remember.

You don't get cell reception in a dead zone,

which is like bein' underwater, like a submarine.

9:15 submarine!

Rooster, now that Jack is driving, I need you to be the flagman.

And you have to leave now!

What?! I just got a handle on the auction house guy.

[speaks with lisp] I gave him a lisp to make him seem sympathetic.

[Gloria] I'm not asking, I'm telling.

We need someone to stop Jack in the dead zone

to keep the Congresswoman from getting bank alerts.

You need to find a stop sign and a uniform.

Top shelf, closet.

I went through a vest phase in the '90s.

I don't know anything about flagmen.

I mean, who is this guy? Is he married?

Why do they call him a flagman if he holds up a stop sign?

Hold the stupid sign up and say there's construction up ahead.

And we need someone else to read the script that I gave you

and pretend to be from the auction house.

I hate to have to ask this, but...

can Wiggles read?

It is a fair question.

She can read.

I think.

Have you seen it performed?

I've seen her read a sunscreen bottle.

Yeah, she burns really easy and, uh, she needs a really high spiff.

Good enough.

Take her the script and then get yourself to Route 40.

Past the sign for the Oakdale Winery.

Jack is gonna be there at 9:15, so we all have to hurry.

I think that's the best we got.

If anyone asks, just tell 'em you were a flagman in Vegas.

[Barb] Are you still sure all this is gonna work?

Nope.

9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine...

[♪ "Memphis Soul Stew" by King Curtis plays]

[chainsaw whirring]

[grunting]

[beeps]

Whoo!

[phone chimes]

[muttering]

[phone chimes]

[both arguing]

Collin feels awful about this, but we are right on schedule.

You need to lose the mask

in case somebody takes a picture.

If I'm gonna keep my base, I need to avoid masks like the plague.

[grunts]

I guess your snowflake son forgot to tell you to pick up the coffee.

We'll have to stop.

So much for being on schedule.

[♪ "Memphis Soul Stew" by King Curtis continues]

No texting and driving.

Gonna run somebody over.

I don't need that shit on my Wikipedia page.

[engine revs]

[engine whirring]

[♪ "Memphis Soul Stew" by King Curtis continues]

[beeps]

[horn honking]

Let's go!

Jack is gonna have the Congresswoman in the dead zone in ten minutes!

What the hell are you wearing?

The hottest time me and Stan ever did it was in the '80s.

I was workin' for a regional airline, and he was on one of my flights.

I was just feelin' nostalgic.

[inhales deeply]

If you breathe in deep, you can still smell the Drakkar Noir and jet fuel.

Get in the car!

[♪ "Memphis Soul Stew" by King Curtis continues]

[tires screech]

Hi, yeah, I need something called a latte.

What kind of milk?

Uh...

White.

She doesn't strike me as a chocolate milk type.

Not a lot of whimsy.

What kind of white?

We have whole milk, skin milk, almond milk, oat milk...

[both grunting]

[Gloria] Kick her ass, Linda!

2% milk, 1% milk, plant milk...

Tony!

Hazelnut milk, macadamia milk, banana milk,

rice milk, coconut milk, hemp milk, buttermilk,

camel's milk, quinoa milk, raw milk, flax milk,

cashew milk, goat milk...

[♪ "Memphis Soul Stew" by King Curtis continues]

[panting]

[grunts] Be careful. They were out of all those little coffee cup tube tops.

[grunts]

[engine revs]

I'm not saying the virus is a good thing,

but the herd does need thinning and it's mostly killing old people.

Hang on, Grandma.

This is disgusting. This is not what I ordered.

It's not?

Well, I got the biggest size. You said you wanted a lot.

A latte! I said I wanted "a latte"!

We have to turn around.

Oh, I'm sorry, we can't do that. We're runnin' a little late.

Or latte. Whatever pronunciation you prefer.

[♪ "Talk About the Good Times" by Jerry Reed plays]

I think you got a long eyelash or a short pube trapped in there.

Doesn't matter. Stan's not gonna get that close to it.

[sighs] 9:15 submarine.

-What? -Nothing.

No word from Jack. It's go time.

Let's answer these security questions and get the account number.

First pet: Bailey.

Car: Dodge Neon.

Favorite song...

Shit. Is it "Groove Is in the Heart" or "Groove Is in the Soul"?

Barb.

Barb, look at the essay. What's the song?

Are you sure there's not a way to do this that doesn't involve Stan?

What?

Now that I've been talkin' to him more, I just... I feel guilty.

Give me the essay.

Just promise me he won't get fired.

He's not gonna get fired.

We have to do this now or we're gonna miss our window.

You promise?

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Why does it always have to come to this?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! [chuckles]

Grandma, you can't say that word anymore.

I understand that you met one once. It doesn't matter.

[siren wails]

I'm not saying it's not funny, you just need to find a different word.

No, that one's worse.

Oh, shit.

You got a cop behind you.

No, not you, Grandma.

You better pull over.

I will. Just lookin' for a safe spot.

I think I saw a winery up ahead that had a parking lot.

-[screams] -Give me!

[both grunting]

-[screams] -[grunts]

Ugh, gross, it's warm.

You didn't have to mess up my hair.

All right, Lucia's favorite song is "Groove Is in the Heart."

"Groove Is in the Heart."

[exhales deeply] All right.

Say a prayer. Here goes nothin'.

[siren wailing]

[Paula] No, I can't turn the noise down, Grandma.

-[phone beeping] -Grandma?

Shit, I lost her.

You lost her?

You better pull over now.

I'm pullin' over. I'm pullin' over.

[siren wailing]

[Spanish accent] Excuse me.

I need to talk to a manager right away.

Stan O'Malley, Semi-Regional Manager.

I was just checking online and my balance is off.

It is not right. There has been a mistake.

Uh, no need to panic. We get this a lot.

Often a spouse makes a withdrawal without your knowledge

and the balance is a little lower than...

No, no, it is not lower. It is higher.

Like, way higher.

Two million dollars too high.

Oh, my. Okay, well, let me get into your account and take a look-see.

I'll need your account number and an ID.

And I'll need to take a peek under that mask to verify your identity.

No problem.

This virus has me so worried.

I take care of my mother and if I was to bring this home to her,

I would never forgive myself.

I know how you feel. I take care of my mom, too.

One Covid germ at the tip of my finger when I'm scraping

the gummy fish off her teeth and that's it.

Ah.

Sorry for all of this.

I had to give my ID at the pharmacy

and the girl that I handed it to, she had a nasty cough, so...

Uh, actually, okay, that's fine. Just... I can see it from there.

No, you don't need to take your mask off. I can tell it's you from the eyes.

Okay. Thank you. Account number?

Get your license out. I'm already running late.

I don't have a... I mean, I forgot my...

What do you think the cop is waiting for?

Probably running the plates to make sure the car wasn't reported stolen.

You ever work out with those giant rubber bands?

They're pretty strong, right?

[indistinct radio transmission]

I mean, if you accidentally got 'em wrapped around your wrists

and your ankles, do you think you could chew your way free?

[indistinct radio transmission]

[Southern accent] I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle, sir.

[rooster crows]

[tape rewinding]

They had to change the plan.

All you gotta do is read the script when Gloria calls.

Can you read... it?

Sure. I'm a good reader.

I got a perfect score on the verbal section of the SAT.

Zero on the math, though.

They say it's never been done before or since.

Hi, Larry.

Keys on the peg board so you don't pop the plastic safety bubble.

Thanks for being a hero.

[door closes]

You think you can keep that cop busy for a couple hours?

They don't call me Wiggles for nothing.

[rock music plays]

Well, I thought they called you Wiggles 'cause you wore wigs.

It's a homonym.

Oh.

You actually thought this was a good idea?

Better than tryin' to hold traffic for 20 minutes

in a bedazzled butterfly vest? Yeah.

Plus, I know way more about cops than flagmen.

Excuse me. Hi, Officer.

I'm a US. Congresswoman and I'm on my way to a very important meeting.

[Southern accent] Ma'am, I'm in the middle of an investigation.

I'm gonna need you to keep your head and your arms in the vehicle.

Gloria's gonna need at least ten minutes in the bank.

How the hell you plannin' on keep...

[Southern accent] Sir, have you been drinkin'?

Okay, here it is.

You had a large deposit from an auction house.

Did you sell something recently?

[Spanish accent] My papa died and we sold off all of his horse statues,

but we only got 25,400.

[chuckles] Okay.

Well, here we go, then. They accidentally deposited $2,540,000.

How is that even possible?

Probably a sticky zero key.

Happened to me once.

I accidentally sent my sister a gift card for $500 instead of 50.

Still didn't get a thank you.

Oh.

I like your tie, Daddy.

[whispers] I'd like it even more balled up in my mouth.

[chuckles]

Barb. Oh...

Wow, you look, uh...

Just like I did that time we got busy in the bathroom?

Allegheny Airlines flight 853 to Scranton.

Short flight, but a long ride, as I recall.

I can still feel the turbulence. So naughty!

You're the naughty one with that sexy call...

Oh, my God.

I can see the nipple ring.

I saw a bump under your shirt before, but I just thought you had tall moles.

I'm going to call the auction house.

How about you take me into the vault and put a huge deposit into my box.

You know, like a safety deposit...

No, I got it. Um...

I need to speak to somebody in the accounting department.

Look, uh, I'm in the middle of a situation here with a customer.

I knew it.

Pierce all the nipples you want,

you're still a boring bean-counter at heart.

Uh, Barb, wait.

You know, you talk a big game, Stan,

but when it comes down to it, you're not spontaneous.

I can't be with a man who thinks with his calculator instead of his pecker.

[Wiggles] Hello?

I'm going to put you on the phone with the bank manager, Donna.

He's going to save your job.

It's Donna from the auction house.

They're having a problem with their hold music.

It's bleeding into the call.

[grunts] Barb, ten minutes, please.

I'll give you three.

And then all this yumminess walks out for good.

Hello, this is Stan O'Malley, Semi-Regional Manager,

Second Union Trust.

Hi. Lucia just explained the mistake I made,

and I'm hoping we can fix it before my boss finds out

and I get into a lot of trouble.

Yep. Yeah, sounds good.

Uh, let's punch some numbers and get it done.

[Southern accent] All right, sir, I'm gonna need you to stand on one foot

and say the alphabet backwards, startin' from the letter T.

[chuckles]

[indistinct radio transmission]

T... S... R...

-Backwards! -[groans]

That was backwards, asshole!

-[siren wailing] -[grunts]

Still think stealin' a cop car was a good idea?

-[siren wailing] -[Jack] Freeze.

[brakes screech]

We got a high-speed chase coming this way and we need help setting up a roadblock!

Come on, let's go!

Duty calls. I gotta help my boys in khaki.

Put your hands on the hood till I get back.

[siren wailing]

[Wiggles] Four, three, seven, two, five, one.

[Stan] Okay, got it.

And you're sure you don't want me to deposit it

into the same account it came from?

I think you said it needed to go to accounts receivable

so your boss doesn't find out, right?

Yes, right.

What she said.

[man] Come on, face forward.

[Wiggles] Oh, shit. I gotta go. Uh...

My boss is coming. Thank you so much.

Let's go! I've got a very important meeting about the Covid vaccine.

If I'm late, Bernie's gonna give away free college tuition with every shot.

Yeah, uh, listen... the cop was right.

I have been drinking.

It's 9:00 in the morning.

Well, I was nervous to meet a congresswoman.

So when Collin asked me to cover for him, I had a few pops.

And some Vicodin.

You know, if I just walk around for eight minutes or so,

I can clear my head and then I can get back behind the wheel.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doin'?

Screw it. I'm driving left-footed.

-No. No. -Wait, don't.

I cannot allow you to endanger yourself.

My son adorns you,

and Congress needs someone who'll stick up for large corporations.

Look, I'll just look for reception.

You stay in the car. There's lots of bears in the area.

They can smell your broken foot!

Typically, corporate frowns upon overriding the transfer limit,

but in time-sensitive matters...

...it's not a problem.

Okay, transfer is complete.

Have a great day.

Do I have 30 seconds to splash a little water on my nether region?

The scooter ride to work in humidity really took its toll.

Make it quick. And hit the pits, too.

Okay.

[groans]

[Southern accent] Never learn, son.

That's the shit we train for! [laughs] Who's with me? [laughs]

-Hey! Get over here! -Hey!

[suspenseful music plays]

[grunting]

[farts]

Sorry.

It happens.

[siren wailing]

[tires screech]

Get in. Wiggles can't wiggle forever.

I thought they called her that 'cause she wore wigs.

-It's a homo-limb. -Ah.

[siren wailing]

Show... me... the money.

[phone rings]

Oh, oh, oh...

Did we do it?

Yes!

-Yes! Yes! -Yes! Yes!

[laughs] Yes!

[Barb] Yes! Yes!

[Stan, sing-songy] Yes!

[phone chiming]

[laughs] Oh, yes!

[phone chiming]

No.

[phone chiming]

No.

[phone chiming]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[phone rings]

Your father's an asshole!

[Collin] That's not my father! It's the FBI!

They came to my house!

They said something about tax fraud and you hiding money in a secret bank account.

-You need to... -[Brett grunts]

I'm coming! I have to do this first!

They're on to me.

The bank... the feds must have seized my assets.

[siren wailing]

[whispers] Deep state.

They even know how you lied to your housekeeper about

paying for her kid's college.

Stop talking! Deep state is listening!

[siren wailing]

-Whoo! -Whoo!

[♪ "Groove Is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite plays]

Hey!

Hey!

Hello! Guess who stole a cop car today!

-What?! -This animal stole a cop car!

Worked like a charm!

-Like a charm! -Like a charm!

I can't believe we pulled this off!

What do you mean you can't believe we pulled this off?

You told me you were sure it was gonna work.

-I lied! -You lied?!

-I lied! -She lied!

[all laugh]

Well, let's just say I did not penalize Stan

for his early withdrawal!

[all] Oh!

[♪ "Groove Is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite plays louder]

[all] You can read!

[♪ "Groove Is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite continues]

You have made my day. That's so wonderful you're coming.

I know, right?

But I'm driving, so it'll be about a week.

Don't go through Missouri. It's a dangerous shithole. Just go around.

A Waffle House cook flirted with me outside of St. Louis.

Your father thinks he was in a human trafficking gang.

-His tattoos told a story. -[sighs]

Jack, take I-40 if you want your woman alive.

Well, actually, I don't know if Gloria's comin' or not.

I still haven't asked her.

Son, you have to nut up.

-What? -Nut up.

I heard it on a TV program.

Uh, well, okay.

I mean, I'm trying.

But every time I look her in the eye, I chicken out.

Talking was a lot easier when we could just whisper things through the toilet.

Son, if you don't find a way to ask this girl to come with you,

you are going to lose her forever, so nut up.

Please stop saying that.

[knocking on door]

Hey, I'll call you back when I know more details. I love you both.

We love you, too, Jackie boy.

Love you, son. [whispers] Avoid Missouri.

What's this?

Everything you need to start your new life.

A driver's license, passport, Social Security number,

a teaching certificate... the works.

Whoa.

I thought you said this was gonna take a while.

Well, I couldn't let you be someone else before I got what I needed from Jack.

Nice to meet you, Rick Ensor.

Nice to meet me, too.

Rick Enzzer.

En-sor.

I'll have to nail that down before I get to San Diego.

Yeah, San Diego.

You're gonna be a great teacher.

Thanks.

And you're gonna be great in, uh...

Where'd you say you were going again?

I'm thinking Miami.

Oh, Miami.

The grapefruit city.

Swim town.

The party in America's basement.

They don't call it any of those things, but yeah, the beaches, the nightlife...

I've got some leads on some wealthy marks I can work.

It's kind of been my dream to live there.

Yeah. Okay. Well, cool.

That sounds like a plan.

Mm-hmm.

Or...

Or... what?

Or...lando is also a lovely place to live in Florida.

But then I figured Miami's better, so I stopped myself from saying it.

[chuckles]

Right.

Well, I gotta start packing.

[slow instrumental music plays]

Hey, boo, you there?

Yeah. Yeah, Papi, I'm here.

I was just thinkin'...

I know Miami is your dream

with all the nightlife and, uh, fish, I think you said.

You wanna come with me?

[stammers]

Is that crazy?

No. I just...

I wasn't expecting you...

I should have said something earlier, but this is hard,

and I don't know why because we talk about other things,

but I don't know, this is...

This is, um...

It's weird. I hear you.

This wall helps.

Oh, no, it's a godsend. [chuckles]

Look, I think we make a pretty good team.

And not just with crime.

Even though it never happened,

the night we slept together was pretty great.

I-I thought so, too. I just wasn't...

It was the best thing that never happened to me in my life.

It was great.

Look, I know I keep thinking, yes, Miami is the dream,

but maybe the dream is just missing something, you know?

Unless you came... a while.

Tap, tap. Is this thing on?

Yes, it is.

[sighs]

You'd have a blast.

We could keep ripping off bad people and giving free stuff to nice people.

I love that.

Yeah, we could.

It's just...

Well, there's my parents and teaching...

And I'm not a criminal.

What if you came with me to San Diego?

You might also love not doing crime... perhaps.

You know? [chuckles]

Tap, tap, tap.

So I'd be your girlfriend and we would double-date

with your parents to early bird dinners?

[chuckles] Well, I don't know if it'd be that glamorous, but yeah.

I think...

I think you deserve to live the life that you've been dreaming of.

And I deserve to live my dreams, too.

And it sounds like maybe...

Maybe our dreams are a little bit too...

Different.

[sighs]

Hey, before we take off,

there is one more fun thing we should do together.

Oh. Okay. Uh...

You want me to come over there or should I just try to force it through?

No, no, not that.

At least not yet.

We have some unfinished business first.

[upbeat music plays]

[sighs]

Paco. You won the contest.

You won the contest!

And there's a check in here for $10,000! [laughs]

That says $100,000!

[gasps] $100,000! Ay, Dios mio! Oh!

This is why we pray, Paco. This is why we pray.

Melvin, thanks for driving.

You're a good friend, Melvin.

Yeah, yeah. This is bullshit.

What kind of God allows you people to steal my money and my toilet paper,

steal my girl, jack up my truck using it to kidnap a man,

and then that same guy makes you all rich with a winning goddamn lotto ticket?

Well, he works in mysterious ways, but you bring up a good point.

I'll pay for gas.

Oh, you're payin' for more than gas.

You're payin' for meals, hotels, and snacks.

I like a premium nut mix.

[clicks tongue]

So nice to meet you.

Thank you for being such a great partner to my celly and friend.

I hope someday I can find a love as great as you two have.

Ah, you will, Jeff.

I don't like white guys, but some people still do.

So... hang in there.

Rooster. I'm gonna miss you, man.

You're like my brother from another mother.

Which is good 'cause my brothers from my actual mother were psychopaths

who tried to feed me cigarette butts in my sleep.

Well, I'm glad we're better brothers than that.

Barb.

I know.

Thank you for everything.

Two and a half decades, I lived in a jungle.

[Barb] Hmm.

For the first time in ages, you gave me a chance to live in a loving home.

Of all the stray mutts and wounded birds Rooster's brought home,

you two were my favorite.

Come here.

If you ever get sick of your real family,

just know you got another one right here waitin' for ya.

My door's always open.

If it isn't, clearly you can just break in.

Yeah.

Go on.

-Hey. -Hey.

What's this?

For the road.

[sighs]

[sighs]

-[Gloria sighs] -[engine starts]

[♪ "Better Things" by The Kinks plays]

A spiral staircase?

It's a condo you share with old people, Jack.

You tryin' to get somebody killed?

Good lookin' out.

[♪ "Better Things" by The Kinks continues]

[man on PA] Flight 234 to Miami is now boarding.

Jack.

-Jack! -Jack!

[no audio]

[♪ "Better Things" by The Kinks continues]

[no audio]

[♪ "Better Things" by The Kinks continues]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[♪ "Better Things" by The Kinks continues]

[♪ "Better Things" by The Kinks continues]

[♪ "Talk About the Good Times" by Jerry Reed plays]