Original subtitles

[static]

We're gonna need you to start dating Stan.

Excuse me?

[Gloria] Stan, the bank manager who's in love with you.

[Barb] Can I help you?

Is your son home?

-Why? -Just wanted to check in on him.

Make sure he wasn't harboring any ill will

about me sticking my ding-a-ling in his ex's thing-a-ling.

Wiggles? He's over her.

Tossed her out like a pee bottle on the interstate.

Don't tell Mom, but Wiggles and I are engaged.

What were you in for?

Uh... sellin' weed.

Weed's practically legal.

It wasn't legal in 1994 when they had mandatory minimum drug sentences.

And since the drugs were confiscated within 1,000 feet of a school,

that doubles it to 30 years.

You must've been bored out of your skull.

Well, I read a lot.

I just tried to make lemonade out of the lemons life gave me.

[Barb] I don't like lemonade. It's too sweet.

Lemons, on the other hand, I could suck on a lemon all day.

I like the way it makes my toes curl.

-Holy shit. -[chuckles]

This car is wicked, Spike.

Thanks, Jack. She's a real panty-dropper.

I took Derek's girlfriend for a spin last night

and, uh, we went from zero to blowjob in 6.2 minutes.

[chuckles]

Derek? Your brother Derek?

Man...

[Jerry] Can I help you?

Oh, no, I'm just checkin' out the car.

-Does it belong to you? -Sure does.

I've always wanted one of these.

The auction's getting ready to start.

Okay.

And I always wanted one of those.

Does she belong to you?

"Belong"? Her?

I mean, we dated for a little while in prison.

I sold weed, she did a little white-collar stuff.

Nothin' too scary. You're good.

It's been a little confusing since we've been out.

The tough thing is, we live with other people,

so we don't get a lot of alone time.

I mean, we recently slept together, but I still don't know what that meant.

Before I went in the joint, when I was much younger,

you slept with a woman, you were practically engaged.

But these days, things seem a little looser, maybe?

Are you married?

Look, man, I gotta dip, so...

Oh, yeah, no. Dip on. Dip away. [chuckles]

You know, I didn't know who to talk to about this stuff

and since we both like IROCs, well, I thought maybe, you know...

Yeah, you drive safe.

[tires screech]

And... sold!

Barb, one of the Congresswoman's sculptures just sold for 46 grand.

You're kiddin' me. Let me see, let me see.

That's a lot of money for a monkey humpin' a giant metal ostrich.

It's bronze,

and it's the angel Raphael carrying a child into heaven.

Mm...

Potato, pot-ah-to.

I figured we could all settle in and watch the auction together tonight.

Got this new kind of Asian spaghetti soup. Raymond noodles.

[Barb] Hmm.

Is it Raymond or ramen?

Cool people say Raymond.

Raymond.

I thought it was ramen.

It is.

Sometimes I can't resist messing with the guy

who's been locked up for the last quarter-century.

I think you'll like it, Barb. I tried some in the car. It's good.

Everybody loves Raymond.

Oh, I can see why.

So, if a horny monkey statue brought 46 grand,

how much you think the rest of the Congresswoman's crap will go for?

The way it's going, it could be over a million.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

So, money lands here in the bogus account.

And then...

Are you almost done figurin' out how we're gonna get the money?

Because you're killin' me with the Scotch tape.

It's gettin' there.

[phone rings]

Ugh.

I thought we said 6:00.

We did.

I just didn't want you to be confused when you saw my car next door.

I need to safely feed Mom first,

and it takes a little while to liquefy a Double Whopper with cheese.

See you soon.

[sighs]

Can't wait.

[phone beeps]

No Raymond for me.

-Oh. -[Barb] As instructed,

I have a backyard social distance dinner date

with Stan, the human crescent roll.

Maybe if you start thinking about him

as Stan, the bank manager who's gonna help us all get rich,

it'll make things easier to swallow.

Swallow?

You didn't say...

It's a figure of speech, Barb. Just a figure of speech.

So, uh...

I guess it's just me and Gloria tonight.

Easy, tiger.

Don't go poppin' a Cialis and fillin' a bathtub in a meadow just yet.

Let me see if Rooster's hungry.

He went upstairs a while ago to play with his Legos.

Uh, I wasn't suggestin' we were gonna...

I don't know why she always does that.

[clears throat]

Make sure he knows we can save him some Raymond

if he's busy with his toys.

-[Wiggles screams] -[crash]

[intense music plays]

Come here, you little...

-[Barb grunts] -[Jack] Barb?

Hello? What is going on?

I told her to stay away from my son!

And I just caught the two of them screwing!

And this moron was on backwards!

It's called "reverse cowgirl."

And if you went to junior high in the last century, you'd know that.

[Barb grunts]

Oh! [grunts]

-[Wiggles screams] -[Barb grunts]

Ma, please don't stab her! Stab me!

[grunts]

Jack, go get the car keys.

[grunts] Not gonna happen, Barb.

[grunts]

[screams]

[grunts]

What are you wearing?

When you're naked and getting yelled at, you grab what you grab.

Guess who else got out of jail early because of Covid.

How cool is this pandemic?

Aw, shit.

Rooster.

I ain't seen you since you set me up. We should chat.

Hey, Ma, is the gun still in the freezer?

Behind your Uncrustables. Bullets in the ice tray.

Jack, what's up, man?

Uh, you know, same old, same old.

You need to accept it, Barb. Your son and I are in love.

Wiggles? What are you doin' here, baby?

Are you back with Rooster?

You left me to die under a weighted blanket.

I tried to call you in prison to tell you that Rooster and I were getting married,

but I don't know your last name.

-What? -Married?

[grunting]

Are you engaged?

Yeah, I was gonna tell you after.

God!

[coughing]

[door opens]

Rooster, put that away. We got company.

Barb, we don't need this kind of attention. We gotta go.

-Come on. -What's with all the screaming?

Hey, mind your business!

No one asked you questions about the screaming coming from your house

when you were bangin' the mailman.

Hey, no need to get me involved in this shit.

I got kids.

Let go! I bruise like a banana and it's comin' up on my tank-top season!

Tell Jack to stall Melvin another 30 seconds

so I can get this gun defrosted.

[grunts]

Everyone's fine.

Rooster put a frying pan in the microwave and it blew up.

Dipshits.

[sighs]

Melvin, you don't wanna get tangled up in this.

Rooster's not worth it, Melvin.

And a handsome guy like you,

you can do better than some stripper, Melvin.

I like when you say my name a lot.

And I am handsome.

Great skin.

My lotion game is tight.

I don't know, man.

Maybe I need to smoke a little weed and get my head straight.

There you go. Weed. Always a smarter choice.

Let's bounce.

Uh, I'm sorry, did you say "let's," as in, I'm coming?

Yeah, I didn't just come here to kick Rooster's ass.

I was thinking, after, we can hang.

You ain't gonna turn your back on your main man, are you?

I don't recall making any declaration about who's whose main man,

but, uh...

[mouths word]

But, uh, sure.

Uh, yeah, let's... Let's go.

We'll be gone, what, like, half an hour or so?

More than that. It's gonna take at least an hour to get to Camden County.

Camden County? I grew up near Camden County.

Cool.

The folks that run the dispensary there are a little more forgiving than most.

My medical marijuana card is a little sketch.

Whoa, you weren't kidding.

This is literally a little sketch.

Thus, the hour drive.

[tires screech]

[panting]

[♪ "Talk About the Good Times" by Jerry Reed plays]

So, I am not just gonna sit by and let my son pollute our gene pool

by tossin' a fistful of stripper DNA into the mix.

She's gonna turn our family tree into a family pole.

-Mm-hmm. -Stan?

And sure, my sister's a crack addict, we got a handful of felons,

and my father was a Methodist for a few weeks, under duress,

but that's exactly why Rooster needs to aim higher.

-Mm-hmm. -Stan?

[Barb] This family is never gonna get a thoroughbred

if we keep breedin' with donkeys.

Stan?

Do you need to get that?

Sorry.

Mother, we talked about this. I'm on a date through a fence.

Did you bring dessert?

If you can keep your head inside for another half-hour,

I'll soften up some Swedish Fish candies.

Sorry.

Listen, Barb, have you ever thought that maybe

this isn't so much about Wiggles, as much as it's about you losing your son?

Why would I have thought about that?

Well, I'm not sure if you've noticed,

but I have a very close relationship with my mother.

Mm-hmm.

From my bedroom window, I've seen you help her out of the tub and clip her toenails.

That's unfortunate.

Anyway, there have been many times, like right now,

when she's interfered with my love life.

I suspect it's because she's afraid of losing me.

She wouldn't even let me go to the prom, which backfired.

I ended up staying home and playing in her bunko night,

which is when I lost my virginity to her friend Carol.

God rest her soul.

What's your point?

That maybe this isn't about Wiggles.

Maybe this is about you being afraid of losing Rooster.

[scoffs] That's ridiculous.

No. Mm-mm. No. I don't care if Rooster gets married.

Just so long as he marries someone's exactly like me.

Mm-hmm.

Someone who knows how to take care of him.

He's a lot of work.

From Mom's kitchen window,

I've seen you floss his teeth in the backyard.

He flails around too much if I do it inside.

He knocked over an urn while I was tryin' to extract a popcorn kernel

and now his poor father's in a Dustbuster on the mantel.

Understood.

And you've spent enough time around Wiggles to know for sure

that she can't take care of Rooster?

The girl pours the milk before the cereal, Stan.

She just sits there and lets it splash her. Every time.

I think I know.

Has it been a half-hour?

She's not gonna stop.

This was lovely. I hope we can do it again.

And maybe I'm wrong about you being like my mother.

You'd know better than me.

Are you preparing my fish?

Softening them as we speak, Mother.

Call Wiggles.

Invite her over for ice cream.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

If you love her so much, I should at least try to get to know her better.

Make sure you two are a good fit.

Oh, Mom, thanks. You're gonna love her.

And trust me, we're a great fit.

I'm still wearin' her underwear 'cause we're the same size.

I gotta admit, I'm a little surprised.

For a woman who was wielding a knife earlier, you're acting very reasonable.

I just need to prove to myself that Wiggles is trash.

And then I'm not gonna become some needy-ass,

bonkers old lady gettin' baby-birded Swedish Fish through a doggy door.

There's my Barb.

[grunting]

There's some floss sticks in the glove compartment.

I got a little Raymond stuck between my teeth.

What do I do with 'em when I'm finished?

I usually just throw 'em back in the bag.

[gags]

[spits]

[door locks]

Aw, shit, they're about to close.

Hold up, man. One more customer.

My anxiety-induced insomnia is wreakin' havoc on my pre-glaucoma.

Thanks, man.

[door closes]

Son of a bitch.

So you got it?

Merry Christmas, princess.

Oh.

[siren wails]

[siren wails]

Oh, I can't go to jail.

It's just one joint. The dude...

The dude on the skateboard, he sold it to me.

[cop on radio] All units be advised, we have lost the suspect.

Keep an eye out for a 20-something male on a skateboard.

I know where he lives. He lives with his parents.

If you let me go, I'll tell you where he lives.

[Officer Monroe] Is that him?

[Young Spike] Yeah, yeah. That's him. That's the guy.

He sold me the weed.

[intense music plays]

[door opens]

You have to drive.

I was eatin' samples like it was Saturday at Costco.

[engine starts]

[engine starts]

I think that car has been followin' us.

But from in the front. It's like it knows the future.

We're followin' him.

What?

This asshole's the reason I did 26 years.

Hey, baby. Your husband gone?

Mm. Love it. [chuckles] It's funny, isn't it?

I mean, he's the one workin' the graveyard shift,

but his wife's the one gettin' boned.

[laughs]

What do you mean, you don't get it?

Look, I don't know what you got planned,

but this weed is strong

and I'm not up for gettin' the giggles while witnessin' a murder.

Come on, man, say something. You got me buggin'.

Shh.

[whispers] Come on, man, say something. You got me buggin'.

[brakes screech]

[engine shuts off]

What if that's not even him?

What if it's just a guy who looks exactly like him?

What if it's his reflection?

Give me your jacket.

-What? -Give me your jacket.

[intense music plays]

[sighs]

[grunting]

What are you doin'? Get this off me!

Hey! Come on! Who's that? Hey, hey, hey! [grunting]

Oh, shit.

[giggling] Oh, shit.

[grunting]

[giggling] Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Does Rooster like surprises?

Yes, as long as you tell him first.

What's his favorite thing to wake up to in the morning?

-Lunch. -Is he a righty or a lefty?

Trick question. Neither.

What's his favorite sandwich?

Ice cream.

[Gloria] That painting we were gonna steal just sold.

You guys aren't gonna believe how much.

Shh. [whispers] Mom's givin' Wiggles a wife test and she's killin' it.

The only thing that she got wrong was my shoe size and I don't even know that.

Oh.

How do you keep Rooster from gettin' a brain freeze after he drinks a Slurpee?

You don't. He loves brain freezes. That's why he drinks Slurpees.

-What'd he wanna be when he grew up? -Taller.

When he has a cough, what kind of medicine does he...

Grape for syrup, cherry for drops.

Nothing with menthol or he gets nightmares that he's a dragon.

What's his biggest secret?

Promised I wouldn't tell.

Damn! I knew he was hidin' something.

Let's take a break.

[Gloria clears throat]

Babe, your mom is awesome.

She's doin' good, huh?

I haven't gotten to the hard questions. She'll fail.

[door opens]

No one's takin' away my baby boy.

[door closes]

[whispers] Hey, little guys.

Uh...

Where's Jack?

Relax, man, we're cool.

Ain't nothin' a little Purple Urkle couldn't smooth over.

Even got you two lovebirds an engagement gift.

[Wiggles] Gummies!

♪ We're gonna get high, high, high, high, high tonight ♪

Melvin, where's Jack?

In the garage.

[sniffs]

Your hair smells like a dream I had once.

What?

Melvin, I think you better go home and lay down.

Okay.

Tell Jack I'm gonna need that truck back when he finished with it.

I also appreciate a courtesy car wash

to get rid of any forensic evidenceses.

[door closes]

[door opens and closes]

[drill whirring]

Come on, this is crazy! I didn't even know she was married!

[grunting]

Okay, I lied. All right, I knew she was married.

But this is on you, dude.

If you don't want your wife cheatin' on you,

then you shouldn't be workin' night shifts at the hospital.

Plus, you're a nurse. I mean, at least be a doctor.

I'm sayin' this to help you, all right?

I mean, bros over hoes, right? [chuckles]

Bros over hoes, dude!

You kidnapped someone?

Oh, not just someone.

Spike. That asshole snitch who sent me to prison. Aha!

But, yeah, I kidnapped him.

Uh, I'm a kidnapper. Who knew?

Weed dealer, ex-con, failed art thief, future bank robber, and now a kidnapper.

It's gonna be one hell of an autobiography.

Okay, look, we can still fix this.

It sounds like he thinks you're some guy whose wife he slept with.

We can just go dump him somewhere

and he'll never know you had anything to do with this.

I think I like my plan better.

Okay, and what exactly is your plan, Jack?

Well, I was thinkin' about that on the ride home.

The first thing that crossed my mind was kill him,

-but that's crazy, right? -Yes.

-Eh. -I would.

So then I was thinkin' maybe I'll just leave him in the back of the truck

for the next 26 years.

Ha. He's gonna get so cold in the winter and hot in the summer.

Unfortunately, my parents are getting old. I need to get to San Diego.

So, I don't have 26 more years to waste.

So, what then?

Prison.

I'm writing down all the things I hated about prison.

We're gonna give old Spike a little taste of all the shit

I had to deal with, thanks to him.

You're gonna torture him?

Yeah.

You guys went to prison, feel free to add to the list.

I've never seen him like this.

Well, he had to snap sometime.

Twenty-six years in the slammer for sellin' weed?

I'm surprised he's not drillin' holes in the dude's head.

These things could be a lot worse.

Full-body cavity search isn't even on here yet.

Okay...

Number three'd be fun to watch.

All right, look, I am not a fan of any of this,

but it's clear he has some shit to work through.

If this will make him feel better, then I guess we should help him with it.

Make sure he doesn't hurt the guy.

He's not gonna hurt him. Jack's pissed, but he's not crazy.

Let's send this asshole to prison!

[♪ "Folsom Prison Blues" plays]

[inmates yelling]

Welcome to hell.

Oh!

[Jack] Welcome to hell.

[grunts]

[whirring]

[Jack] Eat it!

[gagging]

[Rooster grunting]

[Jack] Poop!

[splash]

Johnny! I know you hear me, Johnny! I know you took my shit, Johnny!

I know you can hear me, Johnny!

[Johnny] Eat a dick!

Eat a dick? You eat a dick!

[inmates yelling]

[loud banging]

[grunts]

[screaming]

[rat chittering]

[gasps]

Couldn't find a rat,

but I sweet-talked this little guy's mom into loaning him to us.

[chittering]

[♪ "Folsom Prison Blues" plays through headphones]

Jack?

Jack, what are you doing? You're gonna miss the possum thing.

You can do without me.

Without you? We're only doin' this to help you.

My blender smells like dog food and dead fish,

and that's gonna linger.

It's making you feel better, right?

It was at first, but, I don't know, then I started gettin' angry again.

I had to let the possum go. He was gettin' a bit nippy.

I'm not tastin' rabies, so I hope he was just moody.

What do you mean, it's making you angry again?

I don't know. It just wasn't... [sighs]

It's not just Spike that did this to me.

Why isn't that asshole judge in the back of the truck?

Why aren't the lawmakers who made mandatory minimums for drug charges

in the back of the truck?

That shitty public defender, the jail system, the parole board... me.

I could've worked for my uncle's lawn business, but no,

I decided to ride my skateboard all day and sell weed 'cause it's easier.

Spike, the judge, everybody else, they screwed me over,

but I'm the one who put myself in a position to get screwed.

I ruined my life. [sighs]

Oh, come on. What are you talking about? You're out of prison.

And if I can figure out the rest of the plan, you're gonna be rich.

You could probably afford to buy a Dunkin' Donuts franchise if you want.

I'm gonna do that. We could have 'em side by side.

Jack, your life is anything but ruined.

Fine. I ruined part of my life.

So what? Everyone ruins part of their life.

I wasted three years trying to get through the first semester of nursing school.

I had a mustache in the third grade and I didn't do anything with that.

I wasted almost a year in prison talking to some old guy

through the toilet who lied and said he was 28. [sighs]

Look, obviously, we can't compete with you, okay?

When it comes to who ruined most of their life, you win.

But you've got two choices.

You can keep carrying around all this anger

and basically turn your 26 years into a life sentence.

Or you can find a way to start forgiving people.

Starting with yourself.

I'm not saying it'll be easy or happen overnight,

but you'll never really be free until you start letting things go.

[sighs]

Come on, Gloria.

[music plays through headphones]

You really love that kook, don't you?

More than anything.

Did you wanna ask her more questions?

'Cause she's actually smarter when she's high.

I think. I'm usually high, too.

Nah, we're done with the questions.

She passed.

Seriously?

Oh, Mom, thanks so much!

I know you had a lot of reasons you didn't want us to be together.

Mm.

[sighs] Well, it's like Gloria said,

sometimes you just gotta let things go.

Can I go tell her the good news?

In a second.

[screams]

[Jack] It's over.

No. No, please don't kill me! I promise I won't go near your wife again!

[Jack] No, I mean it's over. I forgive you.

But yeah, stop sleepin' with married women!

Okay! I promise! Promise!

[Jack] Run!

-Well... -Well...

[Jack sighs]

How do you feel?

Actually, a little bit better.

Hey, what happened with that auction?

How much is in that bank account we're gonna get our hands on?

Oh, shit. Uh, with all the kidnapping and torture, I forgot to tell you.

-Does that say... -2.5 million, yeah.

[stammers]

[chuckles]

[stammers] Oh, my...

[laughs]

[both laugh]

Oh, my... Oh!

[screams]

[♪ "Going Up in Smoke" by Natty Wailer plays]

[♪ "Going Up in Smoke" by Natty Wailer plays through headphones]

We got problems.

Last night on the security cameras, I heard the rich bitch

tell old wrinkly balls that she has a meeting tomorrow morning

to find out which companies will make the vaccine.

The housekeeper Lucia has a kid, right?

Hey, if you're thinkin' of kidnappin' the kid

and askin' for the password as ransom,

Gloria already shot that down.

I feel like we're close enough to tell you that I shave my legs.

[indistinct shouting]

[intense music plays]

[siren wails]

Good luck with your bank robbery.