Original subtitles

[static]

[Gloria] Check it out. That's a Claude van Woodson.

It's probably worth half a million dollars if we can get our hands on it.

Are you serious?

What do you say, Jack?

Crooked politician lying to the people while she cashes in? Bad enough for ya?

Why do we need a painting if we're stealing a painting?

Because if we can replace this one with a fake,

no one will realize the real one is gone.

Damn. That actually looks pretty good.

[Barb] Perfect. Front and back.

"Happy birthday, Gloria. Love, Jack."

How much you think we'll pocket after we sell this painting?

My fence usually charges 20% of the value,

but we haven't figured out the final details yet.

My fence thinks I'm working with the cops because I got out early.

We don't have a fence?

We should just call it off.

Call it off? No, no, no, no, no. Somehow, we'll fix this. I promise.

What the hell?

[Gloria] Somebody beat us to it.

[♪ "Milk and Cereal" by G. Love & Special Sauce plays]

Wow.

[sighs]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[typing]

[phone chimes]

How do you spell "cha-ching"?

-[Barb sighs] -Uh, never mind, it sounds racist.

They're supposed to be here by now with that painting.

Maybe you should go check on 'em.

Huh?

[suspenseful music plays]

What's takin' so long?

Someone beat us to it.

And they're not just taking the painting.

It looks like they're replacing every piece of art she owns with fakes.

Did you tell Giggles about this?

Wiggles. Nah, I promise.

I told her I might be coming into some cash, but no specifics.

Well, then who the hell are these guys stealin' our job?

Probably Mexicans. We gotta build that wall, bro.

[Jack] Look, there goes our painting.

[Gloria sighs]

Maybe I can just run over there and make the switch while they're in the house.

No, that is too risky. Just give me a few seconds to think.

In a few seconds, they could be gone.

I promised Wiggles we were gonna get rich from that ugly painting.

-Wait, you told her about... -You said you didn't...

That's all I said. No more. She didn't even know what a Congresswoman was.

-What? -Rooster!

Look, we're getting that painting.

My kid's not gonna grow up eating poor people's cereal.

We're gonna get the name-brand stuff with high fructose.

-Highest they got. -Wait, your kid?

Don't tell Mom, but Wiggles and I are engaged,

so we're probably gonna have a kid and shit.

-Good for you. -Please reconsider.

Maybe I sneak up on 'em, knock 'em out,

then we take the truck and steal everything.

Or you could get shot trying to fight like a caveman.

We don't have to. I was the fastest kid in first grade for three straight years.

-I could... -They're robbin' an empty house.

Why would they bring guns?

Everybody has a gun nowadays. They don't need a reason.

We need that money.

I need an apartment in San Diego big enough for me and my parents.

Plus, you said buyin' me a new identity is not gonna be cheap.

Yeah, well, neither is a funeral.

[sighs] Where's Rooster?

[intense music plays]

Oh, boy.

He's not that fast.

[grunts]

Okay, I think that's everything.

Let's get out of here before one of the neighbors sees us and calls the cops.

Huh.

That doesn't bode well.

Okay.

[both panting]

[♪ "Talk About the Good Times" by Jerry Reed plays]

[Barb moans]

What's goin' on? Where's Rooster?

You raised a dickhead, Barb. You really did.

Somebody beat us to the job.

Rooster tried to grab the painting from the back of the truck,

but they took off with him inside.

They what?!

Damn it! I forgot to put my lucky penny in my pocket.

That's why this is happening.

Are any of these heads?

-Oh, I got him. -What?

They're headed north on Route 40. A couple miles ahead of us.

-[phone rings] -Oh.

It's Rooster.

Oh!

I'm in the back of the truck.

We know.

Gloria's got one of those spy thingies on her phone

that's letting us where you are.

It looks like we're all in a game of Pac-Man.

Do you think you'll be able to extricate yourself?

Maybe.

But I'm gonna need to hear the rest of the plan

before I agree to shit my pants.

No, extricate yourself, not defe...

If they stop, do you think you can get out?

I already tried.

Once the door latches, it locks from the outside.

But if you guys are following me, you could...

[phone beeping]

What happened? What happened? Did the truck blow up?

We lost service. Ugh. We must be in a dead zone.

-Oh. -Just keep driving until we get service.

[hip hop music plays on radio]

[music stops]

What? Uh-uh.

I had to listen to the whole soundtrack of that Jimmy Buffett musical.

Shh.

Are you sure you tied everything down?

-I'm sure. -Okay.

'Cause you've been sure about other things.

If this is about the oat milk thing, you can spare me your soliloquy, okay?

Just double-checking.

'Cause last night you were sure you put the oat milk in the fridge,

but when I woke up in the morning, it was on the counter.

Okay, I take Ambien because someone snores,

so I occasionally make a bowl of cereal in my sleep. Relax.

Well, I'd love to see how relaxed you'd be

if you started your morning with a room-temperatured smoothie.

[sighs]

[loud crash in back of truck]

You're sure, huh?

I'm starting to doubt myself a little bit.

[brakes screech]

[engine shuts off]

[Collin] I don't snore, by the way.

I have a deviated septum. It's a condition.

See? Everything's fine.

[sighs] Yeah, well, I'll go get some drinks and you can fill up the truck.

That's it? No apology?

Why is my dad paying for therapy if you're not gonna do the work, baby?

[quiet scream]

Ooh.

Oh, shit!

I had him, but I lost him again.

[doorbell chimes]

Hey, what are you doing? I told you I would get the drinks.

Yeah, well, you keep buying me diet tea and I hate it.

Huh? Oh, I guess I'm just subconsciously worried about your health.

Oh, please.

Equinox has barely been closed for two weeks

and you're already worried about your mama

calling you a "chubby chaser" again.

[scoffs] Please.

If I cared what my mother thought, I'd still be dating Jessica.

Trust me, I will always love every pound of you.

Mm. Thank you. I love you too.

And if you don't like diet tea, I'm sure they've got sparkling water.

[doorbell chimes]

[sighs] It's gonna be a long night.

[Collin] Mm. I can't believe we're going to New York

and the only thing that's opening on Broadway is a new Covid testing site.

[Brett] Okay, why is your boss making you do this again?

I mean, replacing art in the middle of the night

and driving to her condo in Manhattan, babe.

She's a Congresswoman.

I mean, shouldn't our tax dollars be paying for a moving company?

[Collin] For all I know, this is some sort of test.

If there's anything I've learned while working for Cruella de Capitol Hill,

you don't ask questions.

[engine starts]

[suspenseful music plays]

-Is he back yet? -No.

Ah, damn it!

I knew I should have put that chip in his neck when he was a baby.

The vet said he'd do it for 50 bucks, but my husband thought I was crazy.

Well, who's crazy now, Enrique? Who's crazy now?

[indistinct chatter]

Mommy!

Mom, I won a free ticket!

Nice!

That means you're still in the game, baby.

[chuckles]

Damn. I was so close again.

I think you're scratchin' too fast.

Try scratchin' a little slower. That sometimes works for me.

[Rooster] Fruity Bingo Millionaire?

I thought you said that any prize over 20 bucks was impossible to win.

I've had to step up my game recently.

Check it out.

[funk music plays]

Oh, who's that?

I met him online.

Jean Michel Duklon.

Sounds like a perfume.

It's French.

He's got an accent that could wet a saltine cracker.

Gross.

He's definitely out of my league.

But if I can get rich by the time we meet in person,

it should even the playing field.

Plus, if I'm rich, you're rich. You won't have to steal as much.

And most importantly, people will stop lookin' down on us

like we're beneath them.

Like we're a couple of clowns.

Mm! Damn!

One banana shy.

Here.

Free ticket.

You're still in the game.

Aw, thanks, sweetie.

[sighs]

Well, on the bright side, we can't go to jail for this

because we technically stole our own painting.

Buddy, how could you grab the wrong one?

Because your old-ass mom made an exact copy

nobody could tell apart.

Why the hell would she do that?

Because we told her to.

Stop pickin' on him. He's had a long night.

-Thanks, Mommy. -[sighs]

I had to hitchhike home and I can't raise my right thumb,

so I had to use my left hand and walk with my back to traffic.

You think only weirdos pick up hitchhikers?

Well, trust me, it takes a real wack job to pick up a backwards one.

She pulled over twice to breastfeed her Cabbage Patch doll.

It's okay, baby.

If you would've grabbed the right painting,

we'd all be rich and never have to worry

about another thing again for the rest of our lives, but...

It's okay, baby.

It doesn't make any sense.

Why would the Congresswoman steal her own art and replace it with fakes?

Maybe she's leaving the old guy and this is her way of getting around the prenup?

[Barb] Wouldn't blame her.

Can't be easy keepin' a lady boner

while peelin' off your lover's adult Pampers.

You stay up late enough, you see it all.

Could be an insurance scheme.

Replace the art, light the house on fire, and collect the cash?

Whatever it is, she's up to something.

I say we blackmail her.

[Rooster] Mom's awesome at blackmailing.

Tell 'em how you saw the mailman sneaking out of the neighbor's house

when her husband was out of town.

She hasn't put a stamp on a letter since. Tell 'em.

Basically, what he said. I just tell it a little funnier.

We don't even know what the Congresswoman is hiding.

So? I'll just keep watchin' the cameras until she slips up.

Trust me, blackmail is my specialty,

along with casseroles, winemaking, and prostate play.

Mom crushes that shit.

He means the first three.

We're not blackmailing a Congresswoman. It's too risky.

Uh, way too risky.

Oh, I see.

So, for weeks, Rooster and I just blindly follow along with your plan,

assuming you know what you're doing,

and now that it blew up in your face, you're quitting?

I'm not quitting, Barb. It's just, I'm a con artist.

I have standards. Blackmailing is a little beneath me.

So, I'm beneath you? Is that what you're sayin'?

No, she didn't mean anything by it.

I just don't think it's smart.

So you're callin' me stupid?

I'll blackmail her with you, Mom.

[Barb] Thank you. You see?

Even Rooster thinks it's a good idea, and he actually is a little slow.

I'm sorry, Roo. I'm just makin' a point.

Sorry for what?

Why don't you just admit it?

You look at me, and all you see is a clown.

Whoa. No one's callin' anyone a clown.

You know, maybe this is all a blessing.

We didn't have a fence to move the painting anyway.

I'm sorry. What?

We would have found someone.

You knew about this? So, you're keepin' secrets now?

Well, I wouldn't call it a secret. I mean, we haven't really had time to talk.

Barb, you're being silly.

Silly?

My son may never be able to open a pickle jar for me again,

and you didn't even have a buyer lined up?

I had one, but he got spooked when he saw the cops in the front yard

because you stole the neighbor's fizzy water thing, like a dumbass!

There it is! Dumbass!

I need to consult the encyclopedia, but I think that might be even worse than clown.

You know what? I think we're done here.

I agree. Let's all just get a little sleep.

I think we're all a little tired and stressed out.

I, for one, would like a warm milk.

Anyone else like one?

No, I mean we're done.

I've been feedin' and housin' you two for weeks,

and what do I have to show for it?

I thought, at the very least, one of you

might do something about that crow that wakes me up every morning.

But no, no, that's Barb's problem.

And you, takin' this bitch's side after all I've done for you.

Hey, watch who you're calling a bitch, bitch!

[intense music plays]

Or not.

I think it's time for you to go.

Yeah.

And don't come askin' Rooster and I for money when we're rich!

[bird squawks]

[bird groans]

[dogs barking]

[Spanish hip hop music plays]

[Jack] Gloria, you up?

Ooh. Diamond, hold on.

Yeah, baby, I'm up.

Diamond is givin' me a makeover 'cause I had to join a gang for protection.

There's no mirrors in here, but she says I look good.

Oh, she looks hot as shit.

I'm sure you look great.

What's that word you said young guys use when they talk to girls?

-Boo. -Boo.

I'm sure you look great, boo.

Hey, something's comin' your way from the commissary.

-Your favorite. -Ooh, a Kit Kat?

Maybe. Keep an eye out, boo.

Hey, I had a dream about you.

We were on the beach and we were holding hands.

And when I woke up, I was holding my own hand.

Aw, that's so sweet. I had a dream about you too, boo.

You're usin' it too much.

We were getting married.

My parents were there. They were so proud of me.

And your sister was there too.

That stuck-up puta was there?

Yeah, and she was so jealous about how great your life was goin',

she threw a plate of shrimp at you, knocked the cake down,

and then she started makin' out with my Aunt Kathy.

Like I said, it was a dream.

Ah, still, I'd love to see that.

[Rooster] Hey, unless your girlfriend wants to talk to a real asshole,

let's wrap it up.

I gotta go, boo.

His celly has to go, poo.

Okay, hit me up later, Papi.

Okay.

[toilet flushes]

Girl, he's dreamin' of wifin' you. That fool is in love.

He's not a fool.

He's just young and romantic.

Damn. You fallin' in love too?

No. [chuckles] I don't know.

Shut up.

[funk music plays]

[chittering]

[Diamond] Hey, look, Kit-Kat rat! Girl, you found your king!

Oh, maybe we should've bought food instead of liquor.

Are you kidding me?

When a job this big dies, you don't have a snack, you have a wake.

[groans] Whiskey's harsh, isn't it?

You've never had whiskey before?

Ah, I was a kid when I got into prison.

Back then, I didn't think it got any better than Natty Boh and Zima.

Well, today you become a man.

Not a rich man, unfortunately.

I never wanted to be rich.

I just wanted to... be.

I thought my parents were finally gonna be proud of me.

I was gonna swoop in like a hero, get 'em out of that retirement home.

Now I gotta call them and ask for money.

Yeah, I hear you.

I'm gonna have to call my perfect little sister

and listen to her give me an earful of judgmental shit.

[sighs]

[groans]

Actually, I am hungry. Maybe whiskey was a mistake.

Oh, I have something for you.

I was savin' it as a celebration for when we finished the job, but...

I know you don't love it when I bring up us in prison.

But...

I'm gonna let this one slide.

Come on, we have to find a Western Union.

[groans]

Hey, those things break into pieces if you feel like sharin'.

[door opens]

Got the car back.

Cost me more than it was worth,

but can't put a price on the place where you birthed your baby boy.

Almost birthed your baby boy.

I sneezed while I was pushin' you out, you caught air,

and your head landed in the parking lot of a Denny's.

Whatcha doin'?

Droppin' eyes on this house.

Pretty fancy, huh?

Right?

Hey, check this out.

Cameras have speakers.

House, turn on the lights.

Holy shit. The house understands you.

Tell it to dance. I saw that in a cartoon once.

[laughing]

Oh, baby, it can only do certain things.

But it can turn on the TV, we can make it hotter or colder.

Hell, even has a gadget where you can spy on the dog

and make it give it a treat.

House, give the dog a treat.

Robots.

Gloria doesn't know this, but I changed the address on their Postmates account.

Sometimes, late at night, I whisper to it

and somebody brings me French fries while I watch their HBO.

I have to watch it with the sound off so I don't wake 'em up,

so it's kind of hard to follow, but...

I think some hobbit dude is gettin' ready to hump a dragon.

Thanks. Appreciate it.

Twenty-five cents less I have to ask my parents for.

I might as well get this over with.

How much money are you gonna ask them for?

-Maybe, like, 500? -Mm.

That might get me a bus ticket to San Diego,

and hopefully this virus thing won't last too long so I can sleep on their floor.

Why?

I don't know.

I mean, as long as you're asking,

maybe you can ask for a thousand and then give me half?

[chuckles]

What? What?

I'm just saying, there's no need for both of us to be humiliated.

That's a solid plan. Tiny tweak, though.

Why don't you call your sister and give me half?

Because your parents are kind and sweet and love you.

Last time I borrowed money from my sister,

she included it in the family Christmas card update.

Rock, paper, scissors?

Fine. Best two out of three.

-Ready? -Mm-hmm.

Ugh. Okay.

[chuckles]

[intense music plays]

[Gloria sighs]

[slow guitar music plays]

What the hell. Probably never see you again.

That's not social distancing.

Paula Tackleberry?

She's in the shower.

Careful, sweetheart. Looks like Lucia waxed the floors while we were away.

[Horace] Oh.

Ma, they're home!

[Barb] I'll be down in a minute.

I'm tryin' to apologize to God for killin' that crow,

and he keeps changin' the subject.

Hey, little buddy. You like those treats, huh? You want another one?

You want another treat, buddy? [chuckles]

Hey, Where'd you go? Thought you wanted another treat.

[pushes key]

[whispers] House, give the dog a treat.

Come on, come get your treat.

[dog barking]

[Rooster] Uh-oh.

Whoa. Huh.

Oh.

Mm.

[sniffles] How do I look?

It's a phone call.

You could've just said great.

-Uh... -[phone rings]

-I really appreciate you... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Anna] Hello?

Hi, it's me. It's Gloria... me.

[Anna] Are you drunk? It's the middle of the day.

No, I'm not. I'm... I... I have a question. Um...

Do you think you could... [sighs]

Is there any way you could, um...

[Anna] Gloria, this isn't really a great time.

I'm volunteering at the food pantry. Did you get arrested again?

-'Cause I'm not gonna... -No, I'm not in jail.

It's complicated, okay? I, uh...

Just, I... I need, uh...

Bye, Anna. You suck.

[phone beeps]

What are you doing?

You don't have to ask her.

Are you gonna ask your parents?

No.

I have a better idea.

[dog barks in distance]

You sure this is safe?

Don't worry, someone told me exactly how to rob this house.

Who?

Her.

[funk music plays]

Hey.

Rooster's talkin' about watchin' a movie if you're interested.

No can do.

Jean Michel Duklon and I do all of our sexy texting on Sundays.

The Lord rests on the seventh day,

so I like to get my naughtiest when he's not lookin'.

It gets pretty wild. I have a safe emoji.

If you see a sock on the bedroom door, do not disturb.

[funk music continues]

And here's the bathroom.

You'll wanna do your showering during the day.

That window doesn't fully close,

so your willy is gonna get chilly at night.

[funk music continues]

[phone chimes]

Oh...

If you wake up in the night, make sure you step on the right stains.

Otherwise, the stairs will squeak and you'll wake up the whole damn house.

[stairs squeaking]

[funk music continues]

I hope that's everything.

We have to load up your bank account.

Oh, don't worry, it's all here.

All except my emergency health fund.

Oh.

[funk music continues]

If you're hungry, I hide all the snack foods under the sink,

or Rooster eats it all in one day.

You're gonna wanna be careful, though.

Pay attention to the first couple bites.

If the jerky tastes like bleach, there's been a leak.

[funk music continues]

[engine starts]

-[backfires] -[all scream]

Oh, what the hell, man?

What the hell are you doing in here?

-I... I couldn't fall asleep. -Oh, my God.

So, Mom drove me around

until I passed out like when I was a baby.

But now I'm too big to carry inside.

What the hell is goin' on?

Are you two stealin' my car?

And my snacks?

And my son?

Well, what did you expect, Barb?

You kicked us out of the house without any money.

We gotta survive somehow.

I was about to fight a pigeon over a Dorito.

[sighs] It was either rob you or call our families and beg for money.

We didn't wanna look like failures.

We... We didn't want them to think that we were...

Beneath them? Like they're better than you?

Like you're a couple of clowns?

Like exactly what you did to me

in case you're not pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

No, I get it.

I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have said those things.

Well, it just... kinda stung a little 'cause I thought we were gal pals.

We are. We are.

And I don't think that I'm better than you.

If anything, you're better than me.

I wouldn't have welcomed convicts into my home, clothed them, fed them...

Put Jolly Ranchers on their pillows at night.

[chuckles]

What? You haven't done that for me in years.

You don't suck 'em fast enough and you end up with half a Rancher in your mouth,

and it's a choking hazard.

That's true. I am a slow sucker.

Look, the point is, we are really lucky to have met you.

And if you think that blackmailing the Congresswoman is a good idea,

then I am more than happy...

I don't just think it's a good idea. I know it's a good idea.

Wait till you see what Rooster found out. Come on.

[pushes key]

[Rooster whispering] House, give the dog a treat.

Oh, shit.

[Horace] What the hell was...

Oh, no, no, no!

-Oh, boy. -What happened?

[screams]

[groans]

-Oh! -Oh!

[groaning] I think I broke my ankle.

Your stupid dog knocked over the Getsenburg!

[groaning]

Honey, honey, calm down. You're gonna have another heart attack.

If he's gonna die, I don't wanna watch this.

It's fake. I replaced all the art.

The real stuff's in the condo in New York.

I'm gonna sell it.

Did you tell me this before? Am I losing my mind?

No, I didn't tell you for your own good.

Remember how nervous you got when I told you I used insider trading

to get out of the stock market?

Oh, yeah. Had a heart attack.

Had to start wearing diapers.

Told ya. Adult Pampers.

[Paula] Now, try to stay calm.

I figured out a way to save and make a fortune.

Right after we approve the vaccine,

I'll know exactly which drug companies to invest in before anyone else.

Oh, this bitch is evil.

[Horace] But the IRS is already all over us for that last deal.

Which is why I had our housekeeper open up an account in her name,

giving us full access so we can contribute to her kid's college fund.

We'll run it all through there. That way, if we get caught...

It'll look like the housekeeper robbed us.

[both laugh]

Bingo!

-Ah, come here! -Oh!

Mmm.

Wow.

Huh? What'd I tell you?

She's dirty as hell and we've got it all on tape.

I bet you we could blackmail her for 200 grand.

We should get the dog too. I can tell he's tired of all the drama.

Forget the blackmail.

What are you talkin' about? Well, you heard what she said.

-She... -Oh, I heard.

She's liquidating all their art,

lying to her housekeeper about some bogus college fund,

and using inside information to get rich while the people who voted for her die.

I heard.

We're not gonna blackmail her.

We're gonna make sure she doesn't get away with it,

and steal every dime she has while we're at it.

This just turned into a bank robbery.

[Paula exhales deeply]

Could you check and see if I have any Cialis left in my system?

Cialis?

[chuckles]

[Velcro opening]

Oh...

Eh, I can work with it.

You're gonna wanna turn this off.

[♪ "Cheeseburger in Paradise" by Lisa Howard and Eric Peterson plays]

[mouthing words]

What's the first thing that a cop wants to look at when they pull you over?

My titties.

Well, no, after that.

Barb. This is a lot of money. I'm just asking you to...

Cheat.

You're askin' me to cheat on the first man in my whole life

I've remained faithful to, and it's not gonna happen.

Someone needs to tell her her boyfriend doesn't exist

and she's being scammed.

Yeah, well, uh...

I don't wanna be here for that.

[intense music plays]

Absolutely not! We can probably...

[Barb grunts]

Cool.