Original subtitles

Remind my hotel the room should have freshly cut roses,

champagne on ice, and some strawberries.

Oh, and some whipped cream.

Whipped cream for the strawberries.

Yeah.

You use it for that, too.

Everybody here?

Yeah. Can we speed this up a little?

I'd like to beat the Thanksgiving traffic.

I still have to rent a car.

This year, I'm bringing the centerpiece.

You are so not straight.

I'm leaving for Jamaica in two hours,

and you don't see me rushing to get out of here.

Do I smell coconut?

No, there's no coconut.

You put your sunscreen on already.

I like to land and tan.

We feel that tomorrow's Thanksgiving day parade

will be the finest to date.

This year's balloon characters will include

petey the pilgrim, Toni the Turkey,

and my personal favorite, garfield the...

Animal.

I represent the New York native American council.

It's offensive that in a Thanksgiving parade

there's no balloon that represents native Americans.

I believe garfield is 1/10 cherokee.

If there's been an oversight, it will be corrected.

Are you saying you're going to produce

a parade-sized native American balloon in less than 24 hours?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Mindy, how's my favorite dancer?

Sorry... favorite music-video dancer.

Look, I got an emergency here at work.

We got to fly out to Jamaica in the morning.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Well, the rental place gave my car away.

My centerpiece is already dehydrating.

That's the real tragedy, Carter.

I hope the mayor doesn't expect us

to find a balloon overnight.

Hey, you think we can get this balloon by 5:00?

I'm picking up my daughter at the airport.

Stewart's looking for one.

See if you can find one

that looks like that Indian

that cries when people litter.

Excellent choice, sir.

He bit my pilgrim!

Hi, mindy.

It's usually in the 80s,

but Jamaica does get cold at night,

so you might want to bring your bikini tops.

Bye-bye.

I think it's sad how you're spending your Thanksgiving.

I'll use mindy's bikini tops to dry my tears.

That is so you.

What does that mean?

When it comes to dating,

you don't exactly like to be challenged mentally.

Well, there are other ways to be challenged.

Don't take this the wrong way.

I just think you're pathetic.

What's the right way to take that?

Don't take this the wrong way,

but I don't care what you think.

Okay, forget I said anything.

But for the record, mindy is not a bimbo.

I'm guessing she's perky,

she says painfully obvious things like,

"New York's really crowded."

And for work, she's a dancer.

She's a music-video dancer.

There's a difference.

This is terrible.

Don't worry, we'll find a balloon for the parade.

Like I really care about that.

I got bigger problems to fry.

My mother decided to pay me a surprise visit,

and I haven't even told her

that Claudia left me to become a nun.

How could you not tell her?

She never asked.

That's weird,

my mom always asks if my wife left me to become a nun.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Mom!

Ooh, mom!

Here, look, oh.

I got these for you.

Oh, they're lovely, Paul. Thank you.

Mom, you remember Carter.

You look better every time I see you.

We should see each other more often.

Let me put those in some water.

I'll hold on to them.

Mom, this is Charlie, the new guy.

Charlie, this is my mother.

Your mother, of course.

The resemblance is scary.

Paul, I made this pumpkin pie.

It's Claudia's favorite.

I'm gonna put it in the fridge.

Great idea, I'll hold...

I'll hold those flowers for you!

That's your mother?

Yep.

She was married to your father?

Yep.

And they had you?

Yep.

Have you guys met Paul's mom?

Yep. Yep.

Is there a valid explanation?

Nope. Nope.

All right, Stewart, let's see what you got.

I think you're gonna like this a lot.

That doesn't exactly shout "Thanksgiving."

She was a stage prop from kiss' "lick it up" tour.

When I said we needed a balloon to satisfy native Americans,

I didn't mean sexually.

My daughter is coming to visit me.

I don't want her seeing me walking in a parade with that.

I already have a guy working on buckskin outfit

to cover the, uh, fun parts.

That's not bad. What do you think?

I think

Hello, Jamaica!

All right, then,

if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go see if I can find Paul's mom.

It's Thanksgiving.

Why is your mom hanging around city hall?

If she sees my apartment she'll know Claudia's gone.

She keeps asking me about her.

Change the subject.

Maybe she'll forget I was married.

She's baking the woman pies.

Don't worry, the pies will be taken care of.

Paul...

Oh.

Isn't there something...

Paul has something to tell you.

Be strong.

Well, this is the thing.

Mommy, Claudia and I aren't together anymore.

My poor little pumpkin is all alone?

Oh, Paul, I'm heartbroken.

Don't be heartbroken.

I'm... I'm not alone.

You're not?

No, no.

I've got Caitlin.

You two are dating?

Oh, that's wonderful!

Be strong.

That was mindy. She's on her way up.

Excellent.

Now you'll see that she's not a bimbo.

I thought my opinion didn't matter.

It doesn't.

Then why have this conversation?

Huh?

Huh?

I don't know what Paul sees in you.

Hey, handsome.

Hi!

Sorry I'm late.

Did you notice, New York is really crowded?

Yes, it is really crowded.

That's a very keen observation on urban density.

Hey, the mayor's on tv.

your family's finally gonna get that centerpiece after all.

Her top just fell off.

She's topless.

Hey, I went to that concert!

guys!

Guys!

Oh, my God... Stewart!

to recap...

In our efforts to be more sensitive

toward native Americans,

we now have a topless 40-foot Indian

floating around Manhattan.

I knew you were putting too much helium in those breasts.

Until this is solved, we are stuck here on Thanksgiving.

How bad is it?

She's taking out power lines, billboards.

It's like an x-rated Godzilla.

I can't believe my vacation is being ruined

by some stupid sex toy.

That reminds me, mindy's been looking for you.

Okay, I get it.

You don't think mindy's very smart.

Again, I thought my opinion didn't matter to you.

Again, it doesn't.

Which is why I never mentioned she finished number one

in her high school class.

You said she was home-schooled.

She beat out two sisters.

Now, guys, we need ideas on solving this balloon thing.

I say we shoot it down.

Well, that's brilliant.

What better way to celebrate Thanksgiving

than to blast a giant native American out of the sky?

Yeah, good point.

Before we can shoot it down, we gotta get permission

from the New York native American council.

We've got a big mess on our hands,

and no one's going anywhere until it's fixed,

and I don't care if we're here all night!

But it's Thanksgiving!

My holiday is ruined, too.

I was gonna spend it with my daughter.

Now that's not gonna happen.

Hey, Paul. What's the update?

She's headed toward t.G.I. Friday's?

You'r headed toward t.G.I. Friday's?

What's the balloon doing?

She's stuck where?

Damn.

Well, it appears our lady is in the process

of giving the Chrysler building a lap dance.

Aaah!

Paul, I can't keep this on my desk!

Just keep the ones I put in your wallet.

I can't believe you went in my wallet.

By the way, I owe you $20 and some stamps.

Paul, I am not comfortable pretending I'm your girlfriend.

You know what it's like

to have someone who thinks you're perfect?

All my life, my mom has looked at me

like I'm the sun, moon, and stars.

As long as I'm dating you,

she'll still look at me that way.

She's only in town another day, so I guess it's okay.

And I promise you,

I will handle this with the utmost decorum and respect.

Okay?

Ooh, my mom's coming!

Quick, put your hand on my ass!

Hey, you two!

Get your hands off of me.

This is so great!

Oh, I gotta get a picture of this... my two best girls.

Okay, let's get something straight, blondie.

I know what's going on around here.

Paul's a young hunk on the rebound,

and you're swooping in like a vulture.

Face it, he's out of your league.

Picture time!

Mindy, hey, I'm sorry for the delay.

I still got a little more work to do on this balloon thing.

Oh, I've got some choreography to work on, too.

Let me know if I'm disturbing you.

Charlie, Caitlin's on her way...ln.

Should I tell her there's a cover charge?

No, just keep her out there for a second.

Come on, you've been dancing too much.

Sit down.

Sit down, relax, do some casual reading.

"Economic theories of inner-city development"?

No laughing out loud.

Ooh, look at that fine print.

Here, put on my glasses.

Let me see if I got this straight.

So what you're saying is,

with the urbanization of society,

agrarian economies are unsustainable?

It's fascinating!

Oh, hi, Caitlin.

How's it going, mindy?

My head hurts.

Hey, it's Paul's girlfriend.

We were just discussing the problems in eastern Europe.

That's what Charlie was trying to do.

I was mostly trying to tickle him.

Tell Caitlin what you were saying about war.

It's bad.

Mindy, if I don't see you, have a great trip.

Just think, once we get on that plane,

we will be together for 96 straight hours.

Now my head hurts.

We accept your offer of an authentic native American float

in next year's parade.

If you want to shoot down that balloon,

we support you 100%.

Sir...

Can I keep the giant brassiere?

Well, this is a fine offer.

But I can't accept it.

All we've solved is the balloon problem.

We have still got hundreds of years of injustices to address,

and we're not leaving until we deal with every one of them.

Bondek, put on a pot of coffee!

I don't think we can wrap that up over one pot of coffee.

Do you have any idea how we've made these people feel?

Why, we have acted like an ungrateful daughter

who promises to have Thanksgiving with her father

but goes to vail on a whim

because her friend scores a condo!

The native Americans have waited 300 years to hear those words.

Could you excuse us?

Charlie, I have a confession to make.

Your daughter blew you off to go skiing?

You read me like an open book.

I have been looking forward to her visit for months.

I bought all of her favorite foods,

I made up her bedroom,

I even went up in the attic

and brought down her record collection

and her big bag of oregano.

And she ditches me for a good time!

I'm sorry, sir.

I feel so alone right now.

I mean, you've got mindy.

Carter's got Stewart.

Paul's got...

Caitlin.

Your daughter's young.

It's what kids do.

But she abandoned me to go party.

Did you ever do that to your parents?

I'm doing it this year.

Just because she skips one Thanksgiving

doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

What am I worried about? She's a good kid.

I know she's spending most of the weekend

cooking with friends.

She asked me to fedex her the oregano.

I wouldn't put a return address on that.

Paul!

Paul, I have had it! I am telling your mom!

You can't! Abby...

All right, that's it.

I'm dumping you.

What?

Don't beg. You had your shot.

Paul, just tell your mother the truth.

Okay.

Mom, Caitlin's gay.

I'm out.

Yes, you are.

You be proud, honey!

Paul, is there something you want to tell me?

I was never dating Caitlin.

I just told you that

because I didn't want you to be disappointed

that Claudia left me.

I didn't want you to find out that I wasn't the perfect son.

I don't have the perfect marriage or the perfect career,

and while we're at it,

I was never captain of the high school football team.

I was just the equipment manager.

What about the concussion?

I got kicked by a cheerleader.

It may not seem like it now,

but what happened with Claudia is going to end up for the best.

Trust your mother.

Okay.

And I couldn't be more proud of you.

You're caring and intelligent and handsome.

Not to mention you're a grand prix racecar driver.

That I am, mom.

That I am.

Good afternoon.

At 3:44 today,

I issued an order to shoot down a renegade parade balloon.

Just minutes ago,

an elite SWAT team

successfully carried out operation "deflation."

There were no casualties.

Excuse me.

Oh, I have just been informed that during the operation,

the garfield balloon was hit with friendly fire.

Our prayers go out to him and his fam...

one final note.

A message to the people of vail, Colorado...

drink responsibly

and never trust a ski instructor.

Listen, Charlie,

I just wanted to tell you to have fun in Jamaica.

So, where's mindy?

I decided I didn't want to go with her.

All she's gonna want to do is read and drag me to museums.

Museums?

She wanted to see the jerk chicken exhibit

before it comes to the met.

Okay, I admit it,

I found myself not enjoying her company so much.

You know, Charlie, I'm proud of you.

You're not as shallow as you seem.

Sure I am.

From now on, when it comes to women,

I think you'll be setting the bar a little higher.

Who wants it higher?

Before you, I had it set right about here.

A lot of women could get over that bar.

Now you've added intelligence and character and morals.

Where does it end?

Abby, I want to apologize for this whole balloon fiasco.

The last thing I would want to do would be to offend

one of my employees' hot mothers.

Randall, that's very nice of you,

but not at all necessary.

We are adults, we've seen women's breasts before.

Yes, we have.

Well, everybody, the crisis is over!

I want to thank you all for your hard work,

and now go, go enjoy your holiday.

Actually, my plans fell through,

if you don't mind, I'd like to spend Thanksgiving with you.

I'd like that, Charlie.

Uh, you know, I missed the train.

And it's too late for me to go to my parents'.

We could all have dinner at the mansion

like one big happy family!

Come on, everybody, my limo awaits!

Abby, you come with me.

The rest of you guys, grab a cab.

Oh, oh, whoa.

I almost forgot the centerpiece.

Carter, wait.

Perfect.

This will be fun!

And just so you don't miss mindy too much,

I'll talk about how crowded the city is

and twirl my hair.

She doesn't twirl. She flips.

Charlie, wait!

I want to tickle you!

Aah!

Paul!

What?

I don't blame you for being upset.

It's not my best side.

That's better.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.