Original subtitles

Hey, Mike...

How did it go in Paris with Caitlin?

Best day of my life.

I fly in at the 11th hour, tell her I love her,

she calls off the wedding.

Wow. I can't believe you flew to Paris.

It was pretty reasonable, actually.

Airline ticket... $500, hotel suite... $250,

stealing someone's fiancée... priceless.

No one knows about this, right?

I told you I'd cover for you,

I covered for you.

Hey, Mike, how was your tour of that prison upstate?

Carter, uh, told you about that, huh?

Yes, he did!

Michael! Welcome home!

How was your aunt's birthday in Texas?

It's boring to tell the same story.

Aunt? I thought you were touring a prison upstate.

I-I was...

With my aunt... In upstate Texas.

We, uh, had a hot meal... Worked out in the yard.

I even took a picture of her in the electric chair.

Welcome back, Mike!

How was the dude ranch?

Okay, here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]

Took aunt to prison...

Convict breakout...

Gave chase...

Bloodhounds led us to dude ranch.

That's all I did on my day off, right, Carter?

Definitely, Mike.

Hey, Mike, how was Paris with Caitlin?

Couldn't top the dude ranch.

Okay, first item...

the mayor awarded first prize

at the westminster dog show yesterday.

The winning poodle was so grateful,

he made mad love to the mayor's shin.

So the problem is

there's a picture of a poodle humping the mayor's leg?

No, the bad news is

there's video of the mayor punting the poodle...

...into the cheap seats.

That poor dog.

Come on. He knew the risks.

You don't see any of us running around humping people's legs.

With the obvious exception of Stuart.

Subways get crowded. I'm just an opportunist.

Anyway, to make amends to the animal lovers,

Carter, you're gonna supervise the mayor

in a promo shoot for the a.S.P.C.A.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Mike. How was cub-scout camp?

Okay, first of all, we agreed it was extreme survival camp.

Second of all, they already know.

Okay, everybody, listen up. I'm gonna say this once.

Caitlin and I are a couple now.

But that doesn't change anything around here.

It's business as usual. You understand?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Caitlin, I read your fundraising proposal.

I got to say, I liked it.

Aww. Aww. Aww.

I'd really love it

if you could give me some feedback later on.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

All right. If I hear one more "ooh" or "aww,"

it's gonna be followed by an "oww."

All right. Now, everybody out.

[SIGHS]

That went well.

Yeah, I thought so.

I'm glad everybody knows we're together.

Why?

Well, because you are smokin'...

And smart and stuff.

Well, I am really glad everyone knows we're dating.

The key is to keep things professional.

Yeah.

We'll just establish appropriate boundaries.

Yeah. Yeah.

For example, if I were to touch you here...

That'd be appropriate.

But then, if I were to slide my hand right here,

what would that be?

Well, first of all,

let me say how much I enjoyed the slide.

But still appropriate?

Oh, absolutely.

However, if my hands were to...

to find their way here...

That would raise some eyebrows.

But then, if my hands were to find their way here...

That would raise a little more than eyebrows.

Wow.

Somebody has been working out.

It's all natural, baby.

You can stop flexing now.

Oh, thank God.

I don't know why

they're making me shoot this stupid commercial.

Sir, you punted a dog 20 yards.

Carter, please. It was at least 50.

I caught that sucker right on the laces.

Okay, we're ready here.

Where is rags?

He's in his trailer. I'll get him.

♪ There he is

♪ there he is

we were told rags was a dog.

And action!

Hi, I'm Randall Winston, and my little friend h...

sir, sir...

You got him facing the wrong direction.

If you say so.

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right?

Hi, I'm Randall Winston...

you know...

Could you turn him back the other way?

Hi.

Can I help you?

Oh, I don't think so.

I'm looking for the incredibly handsome guy

who flew to Paris and swept me off my feet.

He had to step out for a minute.

Would you like to leave a message?

Yeah, tell him this...

I'm sorry. I missed that last part.

You want to give me that one more time,

just a little more slowly?

Oh.

There is so much I want us to do together.

Like have sex?

Like this summer,

we could get a house at the shore.

Ooh. Beach sex.

And at Christmas, we can go to Vermont, see my family.

Everyone gets together. There's eggnog and sleigh rides.

Holiday sex.

I am beginning to think

that you have a one-track mind.

No. Frankly, that offends me.

I think we should sit here and discuss this

like two mature... Naked adults.

Mike, I'm serious.

I don't want this relationship just to be physical.

Caitlin, I love you.

I-I can't believe you're even saying this.

Paris was the most romantic weekend of my life.

We didn't even have sex.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just know

that you have a history with women of being... Not unshallow.

Did you...

did you just call me "shallow"?

No, I called you "not unshallow."

Well, you know what?

I-I'm gonna prove to you

just how... Not unwrong you are.

I'm gonna go one week without having sex with you.

I'm sorry to have to do that to you, but...

Mike, you are overreacting.

No, no, no, I don't want there to be any doubt

as to where my heart is.

So for the next seven days, the kitchen... Is closed.

Mike, you don't have to do this.

What's that I hear?

Someone's stomach growling?

Someone lookin' for a little snack?

A little p.B. And Mike?

A bowl of Mikey flakes?

Spaghetti and Mike balls?

Not happenin', baby.

Fine. I guess I'll just get my meals somewhere else.

Damn right you will.

Wait a minute! What does that mean exactly?!

Oh. I hate that smell.

Yeah, I know. It's this stupid dog.

Rags is wearing your paco rabanne?

You know, Carter talked me into

dragging him around all week for my image.

It's driving me crazy.

You know, he doesn't rescue children,

solve crimes...

...or do any of those things that movie dogs do.

He just sits there, staring at me...

With those big brown eyes.

He seems to know what I'm thinking,

and yet, he doesn't pass judgment.

Sir...

You know, I haven't felt this loved

since nanny number seven.

It's 3:00. You have a meeting with the appropriations committee.

Well, reschedule it.

I'm gonna be tied up all afternoon

with councilman cuddly wuddly.

Are you still playing hard to get?

Playing?

This is no game, missy.

Well, that's too bad,

because I was thinking we could go back to your place tonight,

and I could give you a sponge bath.

I-I was thinking we could go to the library

and discuss our favorite books.

I want you to spank me.

I want to meet your parents.

I want to tie you up and... Smear you with honey.

I want to take you to the park and make you a picnic.

You're goin' down.

Not for another six days.

You make me sick.

Caitlin. W-what are you doing here?

My shower's broken, and I thought I'd use yours.

I am... So... Dirty.

Well, you're in luck.

I just bought soap.

But, Mike, I wanted to have fun in the shower.

You are never gonna make it six days.

I already made it five.

It's only been one.

You gotta be kidding me!

♪ I've never known a girl like you before ♪

♪ Now just like any song from days of yore ♪

♪ Here you come a-knocking, knocking on my door ♪

♪ Well, I never met a girl like you before ♪

♪ You give me just a taste so I want more ♪

♪ My hands are bleeding and my knees are raw ♪

♪ 'Cause now you got me crawling ♪

♪ Crawling on the floor

♪ and I've never known a girl like you before ♪

♪ Never, never, never, never

♪ never known a girl like you before ♪

♪ But now you've come along

♪ yes, you've come along

♪ and I've never met a girl like you before ♪

Hey, Mike!

Hey, Mike!

[SANDER STOPS HUMMING]

What are you doing?

I was thinking on my jog in from my morning swim

that I should probably shampoo these carpets.

Then I rolled back this ratty, old rug and what do you know...

I have hardwood floors.

I have hardwood.

Mike, you can't channel all your pent-up sexual energy

into new floors and...

Did you put in bay windows?

I just gotta get through the next 10 hours.

Okay, look, if you're not gonna have sex with her,

at least release a little pressure.

Gotcha.

You know, take matters into your own hands.

No, Stuart, I'm gonna go old school on this.

Mike, we don't need any heroes.

I'm gonna be fine.

Caitlin thinks she's getting to me, but she's not.

Okay, Mike.

Nikki, for the love of God, will you put some clothes on?!

Did you talk to him?

He's goin' old school.

Hey, Mike, maintenance called.

Furnace is on the Fritz,

so there won't be any hot water today.

Like hell there won't.

I'm going to the furnace room.

For crying out loud, put some clothes on.

He's goin' old school.

And then the big dog huffed and he puffed,

and he blew the house down.

Okay, sir.

I think we've milked this dog thing for all we can get.

I hope keeping him with you hasn't been too much trouble.

Oh, no, not at all.

It gave me and Prescott a chance to bond.

Sir, his name is rags.

Yes, and quite honestly, he never liked that name.

The two of you had a conversation, huh?

What else did "Prescott" say?

He doesn't want to be your dog anymore.

Okay, sir, I lent him to you for a few days,

and now I'm gonna take him back.

Okay, Carter, I'll level with you.

Prescott and I never talked.

But this past week,

we have developed a very, very special bond.

Yes, we have.

You have no idea what that's like.

Are you kidding?

Rags is like an older brother to me.

Besides, you said you weren't a dog person.

Shh. I was...

I was wrong about that...

And about my guns for knives program.

Carter!

Please.

Let me at least spend the evening with him

to say goodbye.

All right, all right.

But I'll be back for him first thing in the morning.

Thank you. You won't regret it.

Okay, Prescott,

if you want to go back with Carter, move.

I thought so!

Hello? Anybody here?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Just you and me.

I take it there's nothing wrong with the furnace.

It feels pretty hot in here to me.

That's a nice try, Caitlin.

Oh, I get it.

You think all you have to do is lock me in a confined space

and I'll crack?

Stuart told me about your boiler-room fantasy.

Ha! Caitlin, if that's the best you can do...

right down to the 2-piece janitor uniform.

Help! Stuart!

Help me!

Scream all you want. No one can hear you.

Stuart!!

Help me! Help!

Help!!

Caitlin wants me to have sex with her!

Help!

God help me! She's got a mop!

4...3...2...1...

Midnight.

And go!

So... How does it feel to be with the king of willpower?

I've got to admit, I never thought you'd make it.

- I am impressed. - Yeah, well, you know,

some people are blessed with self-restraint.

Stick with me, you might learn something.

Wait. Are you saying I don't have self-restraint?

Well, you know, let's face it...

that boiler-room thing wasn't just for my benefit.

I could go a week easy.

Ha.

- I could go two. - Ha ha.

Ugh!

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'll meet you back here in two weeks.

No, Caitlin, Caitlin. Caitlin, wait!

I believe you!

[SIGHS]

[SANDER HUMMING]

Well, Prescott, I guess this is it.

We both knew it couldn't last forever.

But just know that every time I look at these stains,

I'll think of you.

Please... No tears.

[CRYING] Oh, you're stronger than I am.

Sir, you're, um... You're talking to his ass.

I know. I already did the other end.

- [MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. - [UBU BARKS]