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1 Knock, knock.

What do you want, Bill?.

No, Dave. Knock, knock..

Oh, okay. Who's there?.

Bill McNeal..

Bill McNeal who?.

That's really all I have so far..

Dynamite there, Bill..

Actually, that was just a cheap trick to get into your office.

I need to talk to you about something..

Okay, shoot..

My agent's been talking with some publishers,

and apparently, there's more than a little interest

in me writing an autobiography..

Oh, well, that's great, Bill..

Thank you..

Anyway, I need you to sign this release..

Uh, sure. What is this?.

It's just a legal form granting me permission

to work on an outside project, blah, blah, blah..

Okay, I'll look it over, all right?.

Take your time. All right, thanks..

Can you sign off on my editorial?.

Uh, oh, sure, yeah..

What's this?.

Bill has a deal to write a book..

What kind of book?.

An autobiography,

sort of like the Howard Stern thing, I guess..

You mean about the ins and outs

of lesbianism and sport-spanking?

I certainly hope so..

Yeah, I'm sure you do..

Just hungry for knowledge..

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, Bill,

I haven't had a chance to sign it yet..

That's all right, chief..

You know, I was just thinking,

could you kind of keep this book thing under your hat?.

Sure, why?

I would just rather not have it be public

until we finalize negotiations..

You haven't told anyone, have you?

I mentioned it to Lisa.

I asked you not to tell anyone.

I'm sorry, Bill.

I didn't realize this was like the Pentagon Papers..

What?

I'll talk to Lisa..

Um, Lisa, can I talk to you for just a second?.

Yeah. Thanks..

But first, I believe congratulations are in order..

No, they're not. What's going on?.

Bill just signed a deal to write his autobiography..

Congratulations, Bill..

Thank you, Lisa, for that wonderful reception,

and, more importantly, thank you, Dave, buddy..

Well, you didn't tell me it was supposed to be some big secret.

I didn't know myself at the time..

Hey, Bill, look, I'm really sorry,

but, you know, Lisa had no idea you wanted to keep this thing a... .

It's okay. I'm glad you told them..

The excitement and enthusiasm I felt out there just now,

well, it was the shot in the arm I needed..

Really?.

No, I'm being incredibly sarcastic..

What is this, the Pentagon Papers?.

What?.

Look, I don't know if you've tried to write a book,

but it's not easy..

Look, Bill, if you're asking one of us to ghostwrite the book,

then ask us..

How much have you written, Bill?.

Just the outline..

Okay, well, how long is it?.

Two words... "the outline." .

There's a big, blank sheet of paper underneath it..

Well, how long have you been working on it?.

Three months..

Oh. Okay..

You know what..

You're probably just overwhelmed

by all the stuff that you want to get in there..

Yeah..

You should just pick one point and take off..

Yes, start with radio..

What's interesting about radio?.

Well, I think it's a fascinating medium..

You're from Wisconsin..

Artificial light is fascinating to you..

Did you know that when Dan Rather was 19,

he was the youngest photographer for the Associated Press?.

Okay, what were you doing at 19?.

Drinking..

How about talking about how hard it was

to break into the industry, you know?.

All the struggles..

My aunt owned a radio station..

She hired me to try to get me to stop drinking..

Staff meeting..

Lisa, would you care to go out there

and warm them up for me again?.

Okay, let's get to it.

Matthew, Matthew, Matthew...

do you have the New Hampshire piece ready for me?.

Yeah, yeah. I finished that yesterday..

Do you have a title yet?

I'm awfully good with titles..

It's not really at the title stage yet, Matthew.

Matthew, Matthew...

do you have the tape ready or just the hard copy?

I got the tape..

Hey, how about The Camera Never Blinks?.

Uh, that's the title of Dan Rather's book, honey..

Oh, yeah, yeah. I read it..

How about "The Microphone Never Blinks"?.

That makes no sense at all..

Yes, but it is catchy..

People? People, please, can we just focus on the work at hand?.

Now, Matthew, do you have that tape for me or... .

"Radio Bill." .

That's not bad.

I appreciate everyone's enthusiasm,

but it's important that we not let personal endeavors

interrupt our daily routine.

Dave?.

Thank you, Bill. Now, for the local update... .

Radio Days.

Woody Allen movie..

But if you spelled it D-A-Z-E,

it would have, like, a Spike Lee feel..

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh..

"Give me 12 minutes, I'll give you my life.".

People, please..

Hang on, Dave..

That one's actually intriguing me..

Wh... what was it again, Matthew?.

"Give me my life..." .

What was it again?.

"And I'll give you 15 minutes." .

No, no. Yeah, yeah..

"Give me 12 minutes of my life... ".

"Time of my life." .

Meeting's over..

Why doesn't everyone just... Just go back to work..

Hey, that includes you, Matthew..

So, how's the book going so far?.

Fantastic! Yeah?

I never knew the writing process could be so invigorating.

I can't believe someone's letting you write a book..

You mean, you can't believe

someone's paying me to write a book..

Bill, guess what.

I keep a diary..

Do you you now?.

Yeah, so I guess in a way,

me and you are doing something similar..

Sort of, except my book will be sold

in bookstores and airports nationwide,

while your diary will be tucked alone

under its mattress with other baubles and trinkets..

Exactly..

Sometimes, I write, like, 20-25 pages a night..

Yeah. I have my slow days too..

He's strutting around out there like he's Norman Mailer..

Hasn't punched anyone out, has he?.

No, not yet, but he's totally out of control..

All right. Beth!.

Boss..

Tell Mr. Hemingway I'd like to see him..

No problem. Hey, Ernie, .

F. Scott and Zelda would like to speak with you..

You know, he just overcompensates

because he feels insecure..

So does Norman Mailer..

But at least he manages to get a few words on the page..

No, I really prefer writing in longhand.

I find it to be more intimate..

Computers can be so... un-intimate..

Hey, really, I just want to thank you both once again

for getting everyone really excited

about my impending failure..

Settle down, Bill..

You know, I think I have a solution to the problem..

Here, take this tape recorder..

Just carry it with you through the day,

and just talk into it

whenever anything pops into your head..

It can't hurt, I guess. How's this thing work, anyway.

♪ I've been through The desert ♪

♪ On a horse with no name ♪

♪ It felt good To be out of the rain... ♪

Let me get you a fresh tape..

What is your obsession with that song?.

It wasn't me..

It's just the tape that this thing came with.

I'll give it a try.

I just wish...

I just wish you hadn't told all of them about the book..

Oh, look, come on, Bill, lighten up.

I know you may find this hard to believe,

but not everybody

spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal..

You're a true source of comfort, Lisa..

Bill!.

Get over here, you old son of a biscuit eater!.

Hi, Jimmy..

Hey, I heard about your book..

Let me tell you, I am pleased.

I am pleased as Christmas punch..

This is going to be great for the station..

You really think so?.

Oh, I got my own publicist working on it..

Yeah. We're going to spread your kisser all over this city..

You are going to be big, my friend. Bigger....

Than, uh...

Dave, who's that really big guy?

Andre the Giant?.

The one that's not dead yet..

Oh, Hulk Hogan..

Bingo!.

So, when can I see some pages, big guy?.

Well, I'm still at the outline stage, Jimmy..

Oh, yeah, yeah. I understand. I understand..

No pressure. No pressure..

But, as a little surprise,

I had something made up for you..

You ready?.

Ta-dah!.

I said, "Ta-dah!" .

Yeah, sir, that really is something..

Ain't that a pisser?.

Indeed..

Bill, I thought of a great story for your book..

Yeah, yeah. Remember when we were

sitting at Tavern on the Green...

this was a few years ago...

and Ross Perot comes in?.

And Ross Perot...

Ross Perot comes in,

and he says he wants to re-enter the presidential race..

See, Bill, that's a great story..

Yeah, it's perfect..

When was this exactly?.

Oh, what the hell am I thinking about?.

That wasn't you. That was Dan Rather..

Yeah, that was me and Dan Rather..

That's a great story, though..

Yeah, the best..

Yeah, that Rather... "Courage." .

Had a million of them..

Of course, you got a million and one, huh? Attaboy.

Chicago, 1968.

Democratic convention..

Hippies and yippies alike fill the streets,

waging a war of peace against Mayor Daley's thugs..

There I was...

watching it on TV in my dorm and drinking..

Hey... looks like somebody's been burning the candle at both ends..

Well, you know,

they say a lot of writers do their best work at night..

Me, I'm a morning person,

but whatever works best for you, Bill.

I think I've got a title..

What is it?

"I suck... The Bill McNeal story.".

Hey, hey, Dave, look, look..

That's very good..

Thank you..

Hey, Bill,

how's the book going?.

Oh.

I guess the tape recorder didn't help, huh?.

See for yourself..

Right.

♪ You can't Remember your name ♪

♪ 'Cause there Ain't no one for... ♪

That helped me get to bed last night..

My stuff's on the other side.

I recorded my thoughts

while I drove home from work yesterday..

Bill... .

Shh. I'm almost to the part

where I get so depressed, I swerve into oncoming traffic.

Listen, Bill...

this book is obviously causing you a great deal of pain,

and I think I have a solution..

Does it involve a gun with a built-in mouthpiece?.

Don't write it..

Hey....

Hey, Bill, that is an excellent suggestion, huh?.

Yeah..

Just give up. Who cares?.

Just give up.

I'll tell you who cares... Those people out there..

Sure, they'll be disappointed for a little while... .

Disappointed? They'll be overjoyed..

This is just what they've been waiting to see..

Bill McNeal falling on his ass..

That's not true..

Who cares what they think?.

Yeah, that's not true..

Yeah, those people have always been very....

Tolerant... Supportive..

Are you telling me you have never once

wished for the day you could see me fail

so you could laugh and laugh and laugh?.

Not once..

You're laughing right now...

on the inside.

I am not..

No, she really isn't, Bill.

I've seen her laughing on the inside,

it looks nothing like this..

I don't believe you. What?.

You are laughing on the inside..

No, I'm not. Yes, you are..

Now, you're doing it on the outside now..

Okay, all right, come on..

Look, uh, Beth... Beth, come here.

Matthew?.

What's up? Come here..

Look, we need to have a talk, okay?.

Shouldn't we wait until Bill and Catherine are off the air?.

No, no. This is about Bill..

Don't look, don't look..

What's up?.

We're playing some kind of game

where we can't look at Bill..

Now, I just wanted to let you guys know

that Bill is feeling very vulnerable right now, so it's really important... .

What's going on, you guys?.

We're talking about what's bothering Bill..

Don't look, don't look.

I don't get it. What's wrong with Bill?.

Well, he's having certain difficulties in... in writing his book..

He hasn't written a word, has he?.

Yeah, that's pretty much the case.

I knew it..

And he's very afraid you're all going to laugh at him,

which I'm sure you won't..

Look, look, what's so funny?

Beth, come on..

What?.

Oh, my God..

Nothing, nothing's funny..

Oh, it's all so sad..

No, it is... No, it's not funny..

It really isn't. Come on, seriously..

Yeah, Bill can be very, very arrogant, but...

to see him fail so publicly is....

Okay, okay, I get it now..

All right, this isn't just embarrassing for Bill..

This is a real life-crisis for him..

And as crazy as it sounds,

Dave thinks that it's important

that we stand behind him..

Okay. Yeah..

We'll all stand behind him..

Thanks..

Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill..

Hey, how's it going, you big loser?.

Come on, guys..

Ahem..

Hey, guys, let's make a real effort when Bill gets here

because he's really feeling down..

Well, he sure hasn't been acting down..

In fact, he's been cockier than ever.

Catherine..

What? He has been cocky..

Oh, I thought you said something else..

Hi, gang. Sorry to keep you waiting..

It's not a party until you get here, Bill.

I was just finishing up the section on my college years..

It wouldn't have taken me so long,

but I was just laughing myself silly over some of those old stories..

That's just terrific, Bill..

Good work there, Bill..

You don't have to tell us

what the stories are about or anything..

We totally believe you..

Don't try to butter me up

so you can get on the dedication page..

Who are you going to dedicate it to?.

My mother..

Oh! That is so sweet..

Or maybe the guy who invented the microphone..

Good choices, good choices..

Mm-hmm. Yeah..

You know what?.

That tie looks really good on you.

I've been meaning to tell you that.

I like your haircut..

Yeah. Not too long, not too short..

It's just perfect..

You told them, didn't you?.

Told them what?.

That I haven't written a word..

That my life couldn't fill up a haiku much less a book..

Bill, come on..

Hey, everybody. Hey, Bill..

Hey, man, I just wanted to tell you

the way you read the weather today, it was just great..

You know, it was, like, the best weather

I've ever heard you do..

Oh, come on, Bill. A man like you..

You must have a ton of fascinating stories..

Just how exactly would you describe a guy like me?.

Well, okay, a guy who...

you know...

works in radio....

And has a great voice....

Great hair....

Um, great tie, great clothes....

Um....

God, this is hard..

It's tough..

The problem, as I see it,

is I have absolutely no personality of my own..

No. No. No..

Bill, come on..

Seriously, I envy you people..

There's something distinct and individual about each one of you.

Beth...

the red-headed firebrand with a lust for life,

despite her go-nowhere job.

Joe...

two-bit hood manqué with a can-do attitude

that borders on delusional psychosis.

Matthew...

I don't exactly know what you are,

but there aren't many like you..

Wow, thank you..

Okay, well, what about me, Bill?.

Now, all I have is a good radio voice, just like you..

Just like me, except you're a woman, and you're black..

Ooh, what I wouldn't give....

It's not everything it's made out to be, Bill..

Sorry I had to play the race card..

Okay..

Where you going, Bill?

I need a drink..

Well, have a drink with us..

Sometimes, a man just has to drink alone..

Wow, right there, there you go..

That is a perfect opening line for a book..

"Sometimes, a drinking man..." .

How did that go again?.

"Needs to be alone with his drink.".

"A drink needs..." Where'd he go?

I don't know..

Exactly how depressed is he?.

Well, he's still not in yet..

Yeah, I'm getting worried..

This isn't like Bill to be this late..

God, you don't think he killed himself, do you?.

That is so morbid..

Who killed himself?.

Bill..

Wow..

Maybe... Probably not.

I wish you guys had told me

he was having trouble with the book..

We didn't know ourselves.

I probably made the poor guy feel worse, you know,

with all the huzzahs and hooplas about the book deal.

I mean, this... This stupid thing.

I've got to get it out of here.

I don't want him feeling any more miserable than he already is..

Et tu, Jimmy?.

Just kidding, of course..

Are you feeling better, Bill?.

Better than better..

Well, what happened?

I'm glad you asked. It's quite a story..

Hey, Bill..

Come on over here, sweetheart.

I'd like you to hear this..

Last night, I...

Beth, move over here

so you can better see my face..

Last night, I hit my emotional bottom,

and I have you people to thank for that..

We're really sorry, Bill..

No, you're not..

Yes, they are, Bill..

Whatever, it's not relevant. Anyway....

After I hit the bottom,

I looked up, and you know what I saw?.

The top?.

That's right!.

So I started climbing

toward the top..

Slowly, but surely, climbing, climbing....

Dude, can you hurry this up?.

Climbing, climbing, climbing, climbing..

And when it was over, I had this...

the first three chapters of my book..

So for those of you who have just been waiting to see me fall on my ass...

get comfortable, because it's going to be a long wait..

Bill, try to remember that everyone here put in a sincere effort

to help you through a difficult time..

Right. Thanks for your help, everyone..

Look, Bill, don't go getting cocky again..

It's hard not to..

You'd be cocky too, if you had this,

because it's that good..

Okay. That's it. That's it. You're not writing your book..

Lighten up, Dave. He's just overcompensating

because he's a little nervous about finishing it..

He wishes, my dear..

Look, Bill, I'm sorry, but it's getting disruptive..

We can't rush off to a bar every time you get writer's block.

I could.

I'm writing the book. End of story..

You can write all you want, Bill,

but you're not going to publish

because I'm not signing the release. Remember this?.

Issue's closed.

Dave, that's not fair.

I don't care, Catherine..

Oh, don't worry, this isn't over..

Heck no. You get in there and fight for your rights.

I think I'll do that..

Do you think they bought it?.

Yeah... yeah, I think they did..

Oh, thank you, thank you..

You don't think I overplayed it, do you?.

No. It was a thing of beauty..

Thanks. What did you use for your manuscript?.

Oh, this is just an old term paper of mine.

I guess that explains why it smells of beer.

Dave, on behalf of the staff,

I'd like to say

that we think you're being very unfair to Bill..

Well, I'm sorry, but the issue is closed.

I'm impressed. I was sure you'd tell her..

Tell me what?.

Nothing..

Nothing I can do will change your mind?.

No, Bill..

What? Wait a minute. Tell me what?.

Very good. That was very convincing..

Very good. That was nice..

Do you think he bought it?.

Of course, I didn't.