Original subtitles

JEREMY CLARKSON: On today's show, a little man in a big car.

Ferrari versus Porsche on our track.

And we have some crashes, on purpose.

Hello, good evening and welcome.

Now, a number of people have been saying

that there are too many fast and expensive cars on this show.

So, the production team came up with a plan.

They gave each of the presenters £100.

And we were told to go off and buy a car.

That's a road legal car for less than 100 quid.

Then we were told to meet up at Toddington services,

on the M1 where we would be given a number of challenges.

This is what happened.

CLARKSON: I was the first to arrive with... Well, look at it!

Two tonnes of Swedish magnificence!

It's the Volvo 760.

It has the 2.8 litre, V6 engine.

And it's the GLE model.

So, electric sunshine roof, leather, air conditioning.

And it's not in bad neck.

No corrosion that I can see.

No dents and scratches worth talking about.

It's actually taxed and tested for another two months.

And that's what James has bought.

Here he is.

It's actually more modern than mine, I'm ashamed to admit, but...

It's an Audi 80, 1.8 E.

CLARKSON: And you paid less than 100 quid? JAMES MAY: I did.

CLARKSON: Taxed? MAY: Yes.

CLARKSON: Tested? MAY: Seven months.

CLARKSON: You really can't believe that's 100 quid.

I mean, I was ready to go, "Oh, no! James has bought a hen house!"

Anyway, so where's Hammond, exactly? Where is the Hamster?

BOTH: He's got a Rover!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, God!

MAY: Old man, you've done it wrong.

Read my back.

RICHARD HAMMOND AND MAY: "GTI."

CLARKSON: Yes, I know but... HAMMOND AND MAY: 16 valve.

-HAMMOND: Yeah, granted it does go down. (CHUCKLES) -"Rover."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Because I'm not sure if it leaks, so I'm going to leave that on.

-Your radio? -Isn't there.

There's more rust here and here.

-Yeah well, expensive car... -Oh, that's gonna drop off any second.

MAY: Look at that.

CLARKSON: Right, I think we're ready for our first challenge.

-One of the chaps from the office. Here it is. -Ooh, envelope and everything.

"The journey from London to Manchester and back would cost £182 on the train.

"Your cars cost less than that.

"You must head North on the M1 take the new M6 toll road.

"Rendezvous in Manchester outside Manchester United Ground in Old Trafford.

"And drive them back to the Top Gear track for your next challenge."

-So Manchester and back. -Easy.

-Easy. -Okay.

Let's go!

CLARKSON: We filled each of them to the brim with fuel and set off.

It is remarkable though

that we're all trundling along the outside lane of the motorway

same speed as everybody else...

In cars that cost less than a £100.

MAY: This Audi is...

Well, prefect, really.

HAMMOND: In its day, of course, the Rover 416 GTI was rubbish, really.

The steering wheel is not quite on straight,

but that just means that I can flog into a mini cabber.

I mean, I expected to be in a sort of plume of blue fog.

But they're fine, so far.

CLARKSON: I currently need a pee.

Smells though, in here, like other people have just done it. (SNIFFING)

(SNIFFING)

I think I'm going to open my electric sunshine roof now.

Let a bit of this crisp spring air in.

Mmm! Nice!

Sun roof, well, we'll gloss over that.

What I do really want is a radio.

Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo.

I'd listen to Radio 3.

(ANGEL PLAYING ON STEREO)

Or The Arches on 4

# Thoughts running through my head #

Oh, I wish I had a radio!

That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life!

Oh, I wish I had a radio!

But it's a stereo!

And Hammond doesn't have one.

(HAMMOND SINGING)

(SCATTING)

Ferrari. (SCOFFS)

# If I were a rich man... # (SCATTING)

(HAMMOND SCATTING OVER PA)

(LAUGHING)

There is, coming up ahead, an enormous cloud of smoke.

Which I can only assume is Jeremy.

-If this is a head gasket, we are in big trouble here. -MAY: That's the compressor.

CLARKSON: In fact, a belt that drives the air conditioning had snapped,

and knocked a plug out of the radiator.

Simply put it back again, fill that with water and I was on my way.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Right, here we go, back on the road.

Jeremy's heap of junk fixed.

It's fine.

That Volvo.

What was he thinking of?

It's fine. It cost less than 100 quid.

CLARKSON: There we are, the football stadium

where Manchester Rovers play.

And now, it's time to turn around and head back to the studio.

But would the cars make it?

This is the track.

And here comes James now in his Audi.

It's back!

And so too is Richard, in the Rover.

Watch the paintwork!

CLARKSON: But where's the Volvo?

BOTH: No!

-(MAY LAUGHING) -HAMMOND: I can't believe it.

CLARKSON: Yes, you counted them all out.

And now you can count them all back again.

Proof, today you can buy a car,

and even including the cost of fuel,

go to Manchester and back for less than it would cost on the train.

And what's more, if you finish a train journey,

all you're left with is a used ticket

and a disease from the person who's sitting next to you.

Yeah, and the person you're sitting next to

is always the same drunken Glaswegian scaffolder. Have you noticed?

Yeah, with 20 cases of Harp.

Yes, all of which you drink.

Anyway, we didn't end up with a scaffolder.

What we ended up with were three perfectly serviceable cars.

And later on in the show, we are going to be doing more tests with them

to find out just how good or bad they are.

Richard Hammond, you like dogs, don't you?

Yes, I've got four of them. I love them.

-One of which is a poodle. -Yes, all right.

-Just wanted them to know. -Only one of them.

And as a result, Richard was asked to,

while we were off air for the winter, to host Crufts .

Yes.

Obviously, he lost a lot of dignity in the process.

So now he's decided to put some of that dignity back by buying himself a new car.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Meet the shortlist, the Dodge Charger.

HAMMOND: For me, the greatest American car ever.

This is a big day for me, because it's my first ever drive in a Dodge Charger.

And I'm a little bit nervous.

HAMMOND: You see, I've wanted one of these forever.

But what if it's rubbish?

What if it's the case of "never meet your heroes"?

Well, we'll find out, but first, a smidgen of history.

There's just no resisting it.

HAMMOND: The Charger was the definitive '60s American muscle car.

Over 300,000 were made.

The Lone Ranger was the chief salesman.

I apprehended this man driving away with one of our new Dodge Chargers.

HAMMOND: Even though it was as big as Texas,

somehow they managed to race it.

In fact, the Charger was the first car ever

to top 200 miles an hour in NASCAR racing.

This is a 1968 Dodge Charger 440 RT.

It's the one you want.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

This is the sound of a 440 cubic inch V8.

That means 7.2 litres, 365 brake horsepower.

And it's incredible.

(LAUGHING)

By now, you're probably saying,

"Okay, but what about the Ford Mustang?"

And sure enough, the Charger was always a bit in the Mustang's shadow.

But in fact, this car is the really cool one.

And it's cool for one good reason.

Bad guys always drive Chargers.

In Bullitt, McQueen's Mustang was chased by the baddies in a Charger.

How could this not be the bad boy?

It just looks like it's up to no good.

Just walking up to this thing, being near it, gives me a thrill. Seriously!

And like all the most impressive people, it's got problems.

Bill Brownlie, the guy who designed it, was a big fan of aerodynamics

and he crafted this shape, very carefully.

Unfortunately, he didn't actually know anything about aerodynamics.

And he made a bit of a hash of it.

That great gaping mouth at the front

sucks up air like a whale sucks up plankton.

And the rear screen makes the drag even worse.

But who cares?

No, the only question that matters to me

is now I'm in one, will I be happy or heartbroken?

Well, I know it's got its faults,

so I set my sights nice and low.

Well, first thing, it's an old American car

with old American car steering.

Which means, I can go left or right.

And that's kind of it, really.

Left-ish, right-ish. It's terrible!

And with an engine this massive,

in a car weighing two tonnes,

you might expect it to be bit of an old truck.

But few trucks will do 0 to 60 in six seconds.

But as for going from 60 to 0... Oh, dearie me.

I'm braking.

Quite firmly.

(ENGINE STALLING)

MAN: Well done. (CHUCKLES)

I was considering evasive then!

(LAUGHING)

Everybody okay?

But you know, it really doesn't matter

if the brakes are made of chewing gum.

I mean, in a crash, you're always going to be at least 20 feet from it!

Whichever corner it's at.

Another tedious practicality.

Here's the Dodge Charger.

And over here, I've mapped out my garage.

Will it fit?

There we go, it fits!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, it will be all right.

So, there we are. It's noisy, cumbersome, badly designed, and it doesn't stop.

It does a gallon to the mile and I've got nowhere to put it.

But I know now that I want one.

And one big reason is it will always be cool.

You see, whereas the Mustangs lived on, getting softer and fatter,

the Charger lasted for just eight years.

And then, it was gone.

It is James Dean to the Mustang's Marlon Brando.

And James Dean will never, ever look sad.

They do say that the star that shines twice as bright, lives half as long.

There is, though, just one thing that worries me, this is a classic car.

And every classic car has its own social scene.

-(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) -(MEN LAUGHING)

These are my new friends.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-It's not the line dancing that's the problem. -What?

And nor is the fact that if you buy an American car,

you're gonna have to commit acts of love with your cousin.

So, what's the problem?

-Charger, wrong Dodge. -What?

You need a Challenger because the Challenger

was the star of Vanishing Point

and this was the star of Bullitt. That's why you're interested in it

-'cause it was in Bullitt? -Yes, yes.

So, what you're saying is we choose our cars according to the films they're in.

-Yes. -That sounds fair enough.

-But you're saying Vanishing Point is better? -Exactly.

But it's just not Vanishing Point, is it?

If you haven't seen it, I should establish,

it's basically a load of hippy-trippy, spaced out nonsense.

With smoke bloke in a sweaty shirt and sunglasses driving through the desert,

for no reason whatsoever. It's...

And what was the plot of Bullitt, remind me?

Well, no, it was... It had a plot!

Which is what? Come on now.

-It was seedy and menacing... -What happened in the end? What happened in the end?

...edgy '70s film. Oh, stuff!

I mean, it's better than the end of this.

He's stuffed it into a bulldozer.

But did he?

But did he stuff it into a bulldozer?

You cannot claim that!

It's as sophisticated as a Road Runner cartoon.

-The man who... -It is simple!

Bullitt is better than Vanishing Point!

The man who drives the Challenger in Vanishing Point,

Kowalski, he was the coolest man ever in cinema history.

He made James Dean look like John Prescott.

He was that cool.

No. I think I've assessed this. Kowalski...

And if you've seen the film, you'll know this,

Kowalski, in the film, is a kind of tallish bloke with big curly hair...

-Yeah. -And he wears a shirt tucked into tight jeans.

Drives around in small...

It's you, you fool! That's why you like it!

It is you!

In the film, you said that there was something

a little wrong with the steering in the Charger.

It is a tad vague, yes.

A tad vague. If you look in Bullitt, very carefully,

we all know that car chase scene, yes?

Look very carefully at the end.

The director said to a highly trained stunt driver in the Charger,

"I want you to drive into that garage, it will then blow up."

-He missed the garage! -Yeah, he did.

If you look, you can see him screaming by.

And some people might call that a safety feature, frankly.

And if your guy had not been in that and had been in one of these,

he would have missed those bulldozers in the end and survived!

Which is the better looking car?

The Charger, hands up.

Challenger?

Ah, it's the Charger then, clearly.

And also, am I right on the film?

Can anybody think of a better car chase film than Vanishing Point?

What? Where are you? Hold on a minute, over here.

-Mission Impossible? -With Tom Cruise.

Porsche and Audi TT. Fantastic.

And a beautiful woman as well.

No, you see, that's the biggest load of dribble...

(ALL LAUGHING)

I've ever heard in my life.

Because when he does that spinning round thing?

-Yeah. -You think that's believable?

Well, okay.

Damn it! La la land.

-HAMMOND: Don't back down... -Did I hear somebody say Ronin?

MAN: Yes. HAMMOND: Good film.

-Remember Ronin? -Audi S8.

Audi S8... Why don't you buy an Audi S8?

Audi's got a better steering, it would hit the garage.

-Anyone else? -(ALL LAUGHING)

-Blues Brothers. -Blues Brothers? Ah, get out!

So really there we are.

We've managed to establish that Vanishing Point is the best car film ever.

-(LAUGHING) We haven't! -We have! We've been around the room!

I understand this, buying from films.

But the fact of the matter is, we've established

Vanishing Point, greatest car film ever.

That's the Challenger. You're buying the wrong car.

Okay, you haven't established that, you're all wrong.

I want the Charger. That's that. That's what I'm having.

Now, Hammond, how much is a good one of these?

Um, about £18,000, realistically.

£18,000? Right.

So that means, you're gonna have to sell this.

-My pride and joy. -Yeah.

It's your 22-year-old, left hand drive, Porsche 911 G Series.

Lovely.

How much do you think you're gonna get for this?

-About eight grand. -(SMIRKS)

-What? -(ALL LAUGHING)

£8,000?

They're worth much more!

-What? -Optimistically...

You are 10 grand short. Probably more, I would say.

-You're gonna have to open some supermarkets. -Yeah.

Maybe the viewers can help him on that.

If you've got a shop that needs opening,

or cleaning or if you need any of the shelf stacking.

Just the bottom shelves...

Yeah, just the bottom shelves, not the top ones.

-(ALL LAUGHING) -CLARKSON: He'll reach those.

Why don't you write to us at, um...

(CLARKSON READING)

Or we could be found on the internet at...

(READING)

Thanks for your help guys, I appreciate that.

No problem. It's time now, though, to meet our guest.

Ever since she came out of the jungle,

she has become a bonafide superstar.

She's a household name.

She's rich beyond the dreams of avarice.

She's written an autobiography.

And as far as I can work out she's done absolutely nothing.

Ladies and gentleman, Jordan.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-Hiya. -How are you?

Have a seat.

Your autobiography, number one, in the bestseller list.

I know. Not bad, not bad for someone like me, I suppose.

It's fantastic and it's a good read.

You've read it then?

-I have. Of course I've read it. -You've actually read it?

Test me.

Um, no, I'll ask you after, actually.

You can do, 'cause I lay in the garden last weekend, beautiful sunshine!

Lay there, hour and half. I absorbed it all.

-You are doing well. -Mmm-hmm.

And you've spent it, as far as I can work out, on cars.

I do love my cars.

Well, the first thing I want to talk to you about is,

you've swapped a Range Rover for a Cayenne?

Well I have had the Range Rover for like, five, six years now.

You know they are lovely cars, you know, I couldn't go on without them.

And then I saw the Porsche when it come out and I thought, "Ugly, ugly car."

But then a lot of people said that they're quite fast.

And I thought, "Okay, I'll try one", although they looked smaller inside,

I find they're a lot faster and they do hold the road better.

-It is a Turbo or an S? -Turbo.

-You've got Cayenne Turbo? -Mmm.

How's it going? Is it...

Well, the way I drive cars, didn't you see me out there? I trash 'em.

The tracking's definitely gone, probably why I keep kerbing it.

Oh, I see...

I mean kerbing it, it's on the kerb, it's not kerbing as in...

You don't go kerb crawling, is what you're saying.

-No, I don't think I need to. -Why would you?

(LAUGHS)

But your dilemma is, you've got this Bentley Azure, yes?

What you thinking of getting instead?

Aston Martin. I've got one coming in September.

-A DB9? -Convertible.

Convertible, you know, Aston Martin can make any colour you like.

-You can take... -(GASPS) Don't say that.

You can take along a piece of material. Take along that top...

-Are you joking? -No. You can have it in...

Oh, my God. I'll have it in pink. I know you'll go, "That's gross."

-But I love pink. -(ALL LAUGH)

Would we go, "That's gross"? We would go, actually.

That's, yeah, if you got a pink one...

Oh, I would love it in candy pink if they could.

No, you can have it in candy pink

and it would be worth four or five pounds after.

(ALL LAUGH)

-A very short... -That'd be one of a kind.

It would be one of a kind, yes. Nobody else would do it.

What I love about this is, I do get very cross with girls

who spend a fortune on clothes, eyes...

I don't. I'm more into cars than the clothes, so...

And normally, I only wear the clothes once.

I can't wear them again once I've been seen in them, so...

You can only wear clothes once?

Well, if I get pictured in something twice

then they start slating me, saying, "Oh, look, now she's going downhill.

"She's wearing the same outfit twice."

They do and you have to think about that.

So anyone of you want it after?

MAN: Me!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Pretty much, I think we could have a charity auction here.

It doesn't include the underwear, though. Obviously.

-You can wear that twice? -Oh, yeah. I can wear that loads.

But not on consecutive days.

(LAUGHS)

No.

How did it go, then, out on the lap?

Um... Which one? What?

Okay, you came down here a little bit earlier, you went on...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -Oh!

I thought you meant the Aston Martin,

'cause I was gonna take that out for a drive as well.

No, I know you are going out later.

-We have got you an Aston Martin down here to have a go. -Yeah.

-But you had a go in the Suzuki Liana. -Oh, that was crap.

But I had fun in it, spun it around a few times.

Well, this is it.

-Who'd like to see Jordan practising? -(LAUGHS) No.

AUDIENCE: Yes!

So, can we have a look at that now?

-Oh, no. -Right.

CLARKSON: Ooh, it's...

Whoa, total... That's the... Oh!

That's the first ever spinner on that corner, so well done.

You're insane!

Where's this one? Oh, my...

(BLEEP)

Do you have any fear at all?

No. It's got a roll bar and I've got a helmet on,

so it doesn't matter, does it, if I crashed!

-Obviously... -And I've got my airbags!

-So... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

You did actually say... When we asked Jordan if she wants to come on the programme,

"Oh, I hope it's got a roll bar in it, 'cause it's going on its roof."

(ALL LAUGH)

I did try.

No, that was a spectacularly marvellous attempt.

And now, this is the list of everyone who's been so far.

Where do you think you'd like to come on that?

Well, I'm sure everyone wants to be near the top.

Jodie Kidd maybe, I'd like to beat, 'cause she's a girl.

-That's pretty near the top. That's 1.48. -Yeah.

I don't know. I don't think I've done that.

-Well, shall we find out? -Okay.

-AUDIENCE: Yeah. -Anyone wants to see the lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah. -Let's have a look.

Okay. Yeah.

Here we go.

-(TYRES SCREECHING) -CLARKSON: That's an aggressive start.

Kick some ass! Wee-hee!

You're gonna lift off for this first corner, this is extremely tricky.

No wait, I'm lying, you... Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh... (BLEEP) It's not funny. I'm sorry!

CLARKSON: Here we go to Chicago far too fast going in...

Into the Hammerhead...

That's looking pretty good. No, that's very good.

That's where Jonathan Ross got lost.

(ALL LAUGH)

And... Right, good.

This is where you went off... That's the Follow Through. Then there you got the...

Oh!

Oh. (BLEEP) Foot on the brake. Ah!

CLARKSON: Right, last corner. And...

Nice and tidy across the line.

(APPLAUSE)

That wasn't good!

Well now the thing is, the thing is...

I think if we were to make an award for the most aggressive drive ever,

you would win that.

-Wouldn't you agree? -That's right.

I mean, well done, for there was just complete bravery.

You deserve a George Medal for every corner.

That's why the police never catch me!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Genuinely, I'm...

But did the Stig not tell you about going slowly into the corners to go faster out?

He did. But when you're out there, you think sod it, you put your foot down...

-Okay... -There's a one minute I just saw you write. So, I'm up...

No, I've just written your shape...

-And I'm just gonna... -(ALL LAUGH)

Go on, take a guess.

Well, you're down at one minute, so at least I've beaten Harry Enfield.

You have beaten Harry Enfield.

You've also beaten...

-Fay Ripley. -Ooh.

You are as fast as...

Rick Parfitt!

-1:52. -Oh, not bad!

(APPLAUSE)

That's not good enough!

It's the same as Vinnie Jones!

That's in between Vinnie Jones and Rick Parfitt! That's not a bad time!

Well, I've got to go do it again now.

You're gonna go do it again. But listen,

it's been absolutely marvellous fun having you here today.

-Thank you. -Go and have fun with our Aston Martin.

I'm gonna.

-In the mean time, Jordan, ladies and gentlemen! -Thank you.

-(APPLAUSE) -Thank you very much.

Right. Right.

Now, Rolls-Royce have said

that they will never build a convertible version of their Phantom.

So here it is.

This is a unique, one-off car. It's called the 100 EX.

And it is magnificent. Just look at the size of it!

Rolls-Royce actually say it's supposed to look like a posh motorboat in motion.

And it kind of does. It's even got teak decking, here at the back.

A man from the Vaterland delivered the car to us, in a BMW T-shirt.

And he was very strict, he said to me...

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Because it's made of a single piece of machined aluminium.

This though is...

Solid silver.

How about that? But what I really like...

What I really like about this is...

The normal nancy-boy V12 that you get in these things

has been replaced by a V16 engine

and it's there purely for smoothness. I like that. I like this.

Rolls-Royce has said they'll never build this car.

So expect to see it on sale soon for about £300,000.

Okay, now earlier on the three of us proved

that our £100 cars could make it to Manchester and back.

But now they're at the track,

and the production team have come up with a number of tests

to find out how functional they are,

how fast they are, and most of all how safe they are.

And as a kind of by-product, really,

which one of us got the best deal.

CLARKSON: Here are the cars we bought.

There's Richard's Rover GTI, James's Audi 80, and my V6 Volvo GLE.

And here's the first test.

Our researchers worked out how much fuel was used on the Manchester run.

30 mpg was the target for every mile to the gallon, over that you get a point.

For every mpg under it, you lose a point.

(INAUDIBLE)

Right, I have the results of the economy run.

The Volvo, 20 miles to the gallon, giving Jeremy a score of minus 10.

The Rover, 23 miles to the gallon,

giving Richard a score of minus seven.

And the Audi? A remarkable 35 miles to the gallon,

giving me five points.

Yes. Now I have just been told that we're also going to be tested on reliability.

We're gonna lose a point for every time the bonnet had to be lifted.

Which means, none there for you, James.

None for me. And minus another one for Jeremy.

Okay, I admit it. My Volvo's not doing well.

But it's time now for the next challenge, which is...

"Each car will complete one fast lap of the track

"in the hands of an independent adjudicator.

"One minute fifty seconds is the target.

"For every second you go faster than that you get a point.

"For every second slower, you lose a point."

I wonder who the independent adjudicator might be?

CLARKSON: First to go is Richard's GTI.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

This is probably the worst car the Stig has ever driven.

Although, it must be said, probably not the worst car he's going to drive today.

BOTH: No.

Okay, he's going down now towards the Hammerhead.

He's probably up to 40 or 50?

(TYRES SCREECH)

He's coming through to the Follow Through.

Now my bet is he'll lift.

Whoa! He's still alive!

(ALL LAUGH)

CLARKSON: Now let's see how James's Audi goes.

That was 0 to 60 in about 25 minutes.

HAMMOND: Assuming it will ever get to 60.

MAY: This is where we will see the advantage of the optional sport pack.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TYRES SCREECH)

CLARKSON: The Stig said after this run, he thought the Audi had been in a big accident

at some point in its life, and not mended properly.

But he was even ruder about my Volvo.

HAMMOND: (LAUGHING) The thing is, he's just not going away!

(ALL LAUGH)

It's still there!

One hundred and seventy brake horsepower!

BOTH: Yeah, but 170 tonnes of the car to boot!

(ALL LAUGH)

So the results...

Richard's Rover went round in one min forty two seconds.

So, that is eight seconds under the one minute fifty target.

That means eight points.

James's Audi was four seconds under the target, a 1.46.

So he gets four points.

And my Volvo, 1.48. So that's two points.

It's a plus! It's a plus!

Okay, another test. So if I could have the envelope? Thank you.

"The Highway Code says, 'The stopping distance from 60 miles an hour

"'is 60 yards, without thinking time.'"

But we don't need any of that.

"You'll get one point for every yard less than that your car pulls up in."

HAMMOND: Here's James, braking from 60 miles an hour.

Here we go.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh, straight and true!

MAY: Beat that, Hammond.

Okay, I'm at 60, just James to beat. Here we go.

Braking! Nothing!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTS)

Sadly, I couldn't beat James.

But surely that fat Volvo would let Jeremy down.

Anti-lock brakes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! The Volvo scored a point!

What a great car!

Right. Brakes.

Now then, James's Audi pulled up in 40 yards,

which is 20 under the Highway Code's stopping distance,

which means, he gets 20 points.

Then my Rover stopped... Just... In 48 yards, which means I get 12 points.

And then, amazingly,

Jeremy's Volvo, as an advertisement

for the advantages of anti-lock brakes, stopped in 34.

Which means he gets a very handy 26 points.

And so, for our next challenge.

Thank you.

"Each car loses a point for every electrical item that isn't working."

Anti-lock brakes. Are they working, Richard?

-Uh, well... No. They're not actually... No. -Right. That's one off.

Get the bonnet up.

CLARKSON: Oh, look!

-This under bonnet light doesn't work. -So what? It doesn't matter.

Oh, my God, it's all broken!

Now your air conditioning as well, that's a point off, because that doesn't work.

The wipers work, the lights work...

-But the interior light doesn't. It just doesn't. -Interior light doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Right enough. The results.

Richard's Rover...

Three faults. Giving him...

Minus three points.

My Audi.

Minus four points.

And Jeremy's Volvo back on form with minus 12.

Now it's time for the final test.

Thank you. Uh, here we go.

Okay, chaps. You might want to come and have a look at this.

Here goes. What it says is...

"Each of you must drive your car into a wall at 30 miles an hour."

-HAMMOND: Eh? -Yeah.

-"You lose 10 points if you're killed..." -Okay.

"Five points for each broken bone.

"And one point for each blood injury."

-Right. That's... -I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.

-With your Volvo? -With my Volvo.

What I can't trust is my Rover made entirely of rust,

I'm feeling a bit scared.

-James, are you all right? -(JEREMY LAUGHING)

-Have a crash? -Yeah.

-On purpose? -Yeah.

It's gonna be worse for him there, 'cause he's in that rust car.

And doubly worse because it also says here, that since you're the youngest...

-You're going first. -Right.

-MAY: Goodbye. -I admire your logic.

-CLARKSON: Bye! -Thank you.

20, 25...

30, 30 miles an hour...

I'm going in. Oh, my goodness!

(HAMMOND GRUNTS)

Well, um, my bones all still work, I think.

And...

There's no blood.

I think my car has borne the brunt of it.

I think it did quite well. Next!

Well, it's been good.

I've met Jodie Kidd.

And Stephen Fry.

CLARKSON: Yes, he's dead.

So, that's 10 points away there.

And if you want a job on Top Gear,

-please write to Top Gear... -No, no, wait... Look, he's coming round.

-He is! -He's alive!

-CLARKSON: He lives! -(HAMMOND CHEERING)

That's no 10 points off, though. Blast.

The was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done.

CLARKSON: Then it was my turn. And I had a problem.

The speedo wasn't working. So I had to guess how fast 30 was.

And I got it a bit wrong.

Geronimo!

Damn. Damn. I think I missed the wall.

We all lived, then. But what about the cars?

Richard's Rover is dead.

James's Audi is dead.

But my Volvo?

Yes!

(APPLAUSE)

Yeah, yeah! All right. Okay, okay.

Okay. So your car worked. Great.

But you didn't, because I have managed to secure this...

X-ray, now... What do you think that is, Jeremy?

-It's an X-ray of a hand. -It is, more specifically, your hand after that crash.

-That crash at 40 miles an hour. -Yeah. Whatever.

The important thing is this bit. Look.

The thumb, it's broken!

-No, It isn't. -It is. You broke your thumb!

-James, Is that broken? -MAY: It's broken.

HAMMOND: It is.

-It's chipped. -Oh! Look!

If a tea cup is chipped, my mother would say it's broken.

Absolutely, it's broken.

It is, Jeremy accept it. You broke your thumb.

That's five points off. So, minus five, which brings your score...

HAMMOND: If I'm right... (MUMBLES)

After all that we've just done to 0.

HAMMOND: No points at all!

But there is one challenge left. And it is the big one...

It is the cost.

Now, we earn a point for every pound we've saved

from our original £100 budget.

Jeremy, you have no points. You're out of it.

I've got 25, Hammond. You've got 10.

-So 15 quid either way could swing this. -Yeah. Yeah.

-Are you ready? -Yep.

I have the receipt for my car.

-Okay. -Here.

Come on.

-Tell me. Tell me. -And I spent...

£75!

Right, £75.

So if I can be £15 under that...

Um, I've spent...

£80!

Which means James is ahead!

Oh, no! Which means...

Jeremy, unless you've got your car for about £10...

James is going to be the winner.

-Oh, no! -Oh, no.

£1!

£1!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Yes!

The whole world...

Losers!

Losers!

There is, however,

just a couple more things we need to say about these cars

before we move on.

First of all, we didn't cheat, okay?

I actually got a friend of mine to go and buy this Volvo for me.

And she came back from the dealership

-having spent a quid. -A pound!

Yes! A quid!

So, she couldn't believe how much choice she had.

There were BM's and Audi's and Ford's of all sorts.

But there's a very good reason for all these cars being around.

It is because, not so many years ago,

if your car was finally broken and old and ruined,

you took it to the scrap yard and they'd give you 20 quid.

That was the end of the matter.

Now though, the EU says old cars have to be recycled, which means,

you have to take it to the scrap yard and pay the scrap dealer 100 quid

to take it off your hands.

Exactly, so when this friend of mine went into the Volvo main dealer,

who'd taken this as part exchange.

Okay, so he had to get rid of it, cost him 150 quid,

she goes and says, "I'll give you a quid."

He's £151 up!

-A quid! -Absolutely.

HAMMOND: No!

Got to move on now to track days.

Uh, the idea behind this is very simple.

You take you own car to Silverstone Browns, Donningtons, wherever...

Flash it round, and then drive home in the evening.

It's huge business now, so big in fact,

that some car companies are actually making cars,

specifically designed for the job.

CLARKSON: This is the Porsche GT3 RS.

And it comes with a choice of colours, but only for the wheels.

The only colour you can have for the body is white.

I drove a standard GT3 on the show last year and I absolutely loved it.

So it's hard to see really, how Porsche could possibly make it better.

But that hasn't stopped them trying.

In essence they took a GT3 and put it on a diet.

They used titanium for bits of the engine,

the springs and even the wheel nuts.

The bonnet is carbon fibre,

and the rear window...

That's plastic.

To give you an idea of just how serious this weight loss programme has been,

look at the badge. It's normally enamel on a Porsche,

but on this...

It's a sticker.

You know, I'm going to feel guilty driving around in this

in my clothes.

Ideally, I should do it naked.

So, what have we ended up with here?

Well, it's not what you'd call comfy.

I came down here last night

and this racing seat gave me chronic back ache.

And then there's the ride.

Honestly, it would have been more comfortable

to have been towed behind it, on my face!

(GRUNTING) This is better.

But...

And it's a big, loud, full-bodied "but."

When you get it to a track, it all starts to make sense.

It actually feels like it's been powered with fire...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Brimstone.

George Clooney thought that he had experienced The Perfect Storm.

He should have had a go in one of these.

The turning is absolutely electric.

Nose goes exactly where you want it to.

And although you don't get traction control,

you don't need it, because there is so much grip.

As a driving experience this really is hard to fault.

It does, however, have one problem.

Ferrari has made a track car too.

Welcome to the 360 CS.

It's not cheap. At £133,000, it's 30,000 more than a standard 360,

and a whopping 50,000 more than the Porsche.

For the purpose of this test, however, I shall ignore the price difference.

And I shall also ignore my prejudices.

You see, I think a Ferrari is a scaled down version of God.

And a Porsche 911 is a jumped-up Volkswagen Beetle.

All I'm interested in here is which is the best piece of engineering?

And it's round one to the 360.

Porsche stripped 50 kilograms out of the 911,

but Ferrari have lightened their car by 110 kilograms.

That's what I weigh and I'm really fat.

Inside, you don't get a radio as standard, and nor do you get carpets.

So you're able to drive along enjoying the beauty of those welds.

And instead of these very heavy electric windows,

you can have a sheet of perspex with a little flap in it.

If I had one of these, I would employ someone to sit on it on breezy days.

To stop it floating away!

Round two goes to the Ferrari as well.

Because the CS's engine serves up 425 brake horsepower.

That's 44 more than you get from the Porsche.

425 brake horsepower means a 118 brake horsepower per litre

and that really is a quart from a pint pot.

It is a remarkable engineering achievement.

But does it mean the 360 is faster than the 911?

I feel a race coming on.

(ENGINES REV)

(ENGINES ROARING)

The Porsche has better traction off the line

but then ever so slowly, the Ferrari starts to edge ahead.

Where it stays... Just!

In fact, both get from 0 to 60 in around four seconds

and both have a top speed on the exciting side of 180.

And you won't find that many differences in terms of cornering speed either.

I'll let you into a little secret,

the man in front of me, the man driving that Ferrari

is the F1 team's test driver, Luca Badoer.

And I'm keeping up with him.

And I'm not bragging or anything but he is not getting away.

I'm spinning as well... Oh, no, I've held it. Yes! I've passed him!

Eat my exhaust, Badoer!

So you're probably thinking at this point that these cars are basically the same.

Both are lightened and fettled versions of already very fast cars.

Both have mental performance, monumental performance,

and both would be too noisy and too hard on the road.

But actually, they're as different as chalk and chicken liver pate!

The Porsche is very plain, very simple.

It's like a green salad.

Now this, on the other hand,

is more like a flying fish wasabi.

It's much, much more complicated.

You have a flappy paddle gearbox, I still don't like it.

But it does at least work on the track.

And you have a traction control system that you don't get in the Porsche.

And you have a big button that says, "Race."

Push it and the on-board computer sets the car in psychopath mode!

I honestly cannot believe this car.

It is so balanced, so delicate, so poised.

And you have all the passion and the soul...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

And all this noise!

Then at 6,300 rpm the second stage of the exhaust kicks in and...

(VOCALISING) You're off again!

And because you're sitting here in a cockpit

with this bare carbon fibre, and no carpets and a suede steering wheel

and a full race harness, you really do think, "I am in a racing car!"

It brakes like a racing car. Have I mentioned the steering? Have I mentioned that?

It's perfect. There is no other word, it's perfect.

This then, is a great car.

But is it better than the 911?

Normally, I prefer mechanical engineering to electrical engineering.

I prefer a bridge to a Pentium processor.

So I should prefer this.

I should prefer the Porsche.

And yet here today, I don't.

If you want to go to a track and be entertained, buy the Porsche.

It's a very, very good car.

But if you want to be astonished you've got to have one of these.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Yes. Yes, I know. -£1.

Well, anyway, on the subject of price, you said that for the purposes of that test

you would take price out of the equation.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Can I just pop it back in again?

Because that Ferrari is £50,000 more than the Porsche.

-Fair point, well made. -Yeah.

I'll stand by my decision, this is the more exciting car, the Ferrari.

But I will agree, that because the performance of the Porsche is so similar

you have to... It's remarkable value for money, really is.

-So that's the Top Gear verdict on these two. -Yes.

What we need now on them is the Top Gear lap times.

Absolutely, we've got an Italian car and a German car.

So what we really need now is a fair-minded English umpire.

Bring him out, Stiggy Bird.

CLARKSON: Off the line there, plenty of wheel spin.

Naturally, the Ferrari is in race mode which firms up the suspension,

speeds up the gear changes, and backs off the traction control.

Except this is the Stig of course, and he's got that turned off.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Sadly, he hasn't got the stereo turned off!

Um...

Yes, this car is a lot more intelligent than the man behind the wheel.

Looking good so far though...

Into Hammerhead, any under-steer, let's have a look.

Absolutely none at all.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Into the Follow Through...

Oh, he lifted off, the Ferrari got all twitchy there!

It may be packed with computing power

but that 360 is still a snorting stallion at heart.

That's the second-to-last bend, that's the hard one.

Into Gambon corner, come on!

Come on, come on and across the line in...

Yes, go on?

Okay, look, here's the lap board.

-Yes? -The McLaren Mercedes from last week, 120.9.

It's not gonna beat that.

These are the big heavyweights.

Okay, we've got the Lamborghini Murcielago, 123.7,

Zonda, 123.8, Koenigsegg, 123.9.

-Ferrari CS, 122.3. -No. That is...

-(AUDIENCE CHEERS) -Unbelievably fast.

That is...

That is some going. Okay.

So to the Porsche, you couldn't find any difference

between them in terms of performance, all right?

So let's see if the Stig can. Here we go.

-HAMMOND: Away he goes. -(TYRES SQUEALING)

Now there's no fancy electronics here, remember,

just the natural traction of having the engine right at the back.

Already looking mighty fast into the first corner. Plenty of tyre squeal.

Oh, this is what it's all about, just a raw, simple car.

And a raw, simple driver right on the edge.

Through Chicago, this is very smooth, the tail kept nicely in check.

Hammerhead is coming up, now the 911 has so little weight over the front,

it might under-steer, but it doesn't, he's got the tail out.

Now Follow Through...

Lifts off on the approach, but the Porsche stays perfectly planted.

That is old-fashioned mechanical grit for you.

Towards the finish, the 911's got a hell of a job, remember, to beat the 360's time.

Up to the last bend...

He's got a bit of a drift on there. And across the line in...

You might not believe this? One minute...

-It's 1.22.3 for the Ferrari then. -To beat, yeah.

1.22.3, it's exactly the same!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

CLARKSON: And...

And next week...

Next week, we've got this thing's big brother coming down, the Carrera GT.

I cannot wait for that. See you then. Good night.