Original subtitles

You can't see it yet but this is my excited face.

I'm doing little jumps.

You know someone is special if you do little jumps

when you see them.

THEY SQUEAL HAPPILY

I missed you.

I go to Boots at lunch and sniff your perfume.

I'm on your Instagram, like, all the time.

I fucked your dad to feel closer to you.

And you ruined it.

I love her so much it makes me doubt my sexuality

but then everything does.

It's not her, it's me.

So when I said I missed you I meant like how I would miss my period

if it's a few days late.

Like, slight concern but not enough to buy a test.

Are you going to talk to me, then?

Sorry, my mouth keeps getting full of whisky.

Mate...

You called me in a total fucking tizz and all I hear

from you since then is a couple of texts and a Kristen Wiig GIF.

It's not enough to sustain a friendship.

Sorry.

It's been mental.

What you did was mental, Marnie.

You just fucking left me. I was really worried about you.

I went on the Mind website and everything.

I know. I'm sorry.

You don't need to worry about me.

I'm speaking to someone now and it helps.

I feel a lot less anxious.

OK, well, all I'm saying is if this needs to be an intervention

instead of a city break then that's fine.

It is a city break.

Except all you'll see is this, a pub and the inside of Shereen's flat

because I've only got £87 until I get a job.

Wait, do you need money?

I'm minted. Connor gave me a raise.

He says it's because of gender pay gaps but I think it's thigh gaps.

As in mine.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you listening to me? 'Fuck off, I don't fancy her.'

Oi. Ow.

What are you thinking?

You can't hang up on me now because I'm right here in your face.

'I should be able to tell her anything.

'I showed my first pubic hair to this woman.'

I was thinking about your vagina.

Because that's what's in your thigh gap.

SHE LAUGHS

Afternoon. Here he is.

Back in the driver's seat.

How is she handling?

Yes, she's very smooth.

Well, shan't distract you.

Thank you.

What time do you call this?

Um...

Did you get my e-mail?

I red flagged it. What, as in, to human resources?

As in I haven't read it, sorry, was it important?

Yeah, in the context of this.

This was going to be about that, so it's good background to have.

I'm up against it, Charlie, sorry. Sorry, um...

I just wanted to say that I don't want things

to be difficult working here.

It's not great if you're finding things difficult on your first day back.

No, I mean between us.

Because of the cab thing. Yeah, so...

I just don't want you to think that I was rejecting

you because I wasn't.

I mean, technically I was because I didn't and we didn't but that's

not because I didn't want to.

Physically you are thumbs up but you're my boss

and I'm massively punching.

It's like a monkey pulling a swan.

I'm the monkey, you're the swan.

But like a black swan cos that's more interesting than just something white floating downa canal.

Anyway, I'm sort of making things worse, so I'm just going to go back

and carry on doing my work.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Night?

Uh, I've got a dinner thing, actually.

OK, so you'll be done what, 11, 11:30?

Uh, yeah.

Come back to mine after.

Can I ask what for?

It'll just be a bit of fun.

Right, can you clarify what you mean by fun,

just cos different people find different things fun?

Like my mate thinks gardening is fun.

Other people like, um, jigsaws.

I'll text you the address.

Meeting in 20 if you could tell the rest.

Oh, my gosh!

Dave? There is always a Dave. Dave!

What about that one there? Dave! David. Davido.

Dave! He's doing a little smile. A little smile.

There's something wrong with me.

Yeah, I know.

And I love you still.

But like, there actually is.

What?

It's to do with the way I think.

Have you gone Scientologist? Is that why you moved to London?

Have you been brainwashed? I'm not a Scientologist.

What then?

I've got OCD.

You don't have OCD.

My therapist thinks I do.

But you're such a mess.

OCD doesn't mean you're neat.

Uh, I have these thoughts about sex pop into my head,

like, "She's got a vagina."

"I could snog him."

"That looks like a penis."

Yeah, but everyone gets those. No.

Yeah, the other day, Colin was in the office eating a banana

and I was like, "Oh, he is sucking that off."

Yeah, but did it make you anxious? Yeah.

I was like, it's 11 o'clock and I'm already desperate for my meal deal.

OK.

So it's like that but not at all.

It's in my head, like, 24/7.

It makes me really anxious.

So I do stuff to try and get rid of it like move to London

and avoid you.

You moved to London to avoid me?

No.

You're a trigger.

It's why sometimes I go weird with you because you're always

whapping your boobs at me, it freaks me out.

What's wrong with my boobs? Nothing.

No, it's not you, it's my disorder, they upset me.

Sorry. No.

I can't avoid every trigger.

Look, don't cover them up, come on, get them out.

Oh, Dave! Help me! She's trying to molest me! She's fine, Dave.

She loves it. She loves it, really.

I suppose they are quite nice.

Why do you think I'm so obsessed with them?

What's this one? Nancy.

That girl from the other night?

No, she isn't a girl. Sorry, woman.

She's a witch.

HE CHUCKLES

Must be all right if you're breaking the Dorothy double-dip rule.

SHE SIGHS

What is wrong with me?

It's just a girl, a woman, a fucking witch, whatever.

Just say no to her. Can't.

She's going to send her little witch monkeys after me

and then where would I be? Trick her into having a bath.

I would love a bath with her.

Cos then she'd melt and she'd be dead cos she's a witch.

Don't text her. No, I am taking control.

TV: ..ritual courtship in their search for a mate.

Shereen!

I still can't believe you live with SHEREEN.

She's all right.

Hi. It's the pussy whisperer.

I never understood that moniker. I've never even had a cat.

Come on, bring it in. Don't try and strike me.

You're welcome in my home. You smell like 2007.

You smell like that homeless guy who lives outside the tube.

Yeah, we went for drinks. I thought you were on a cleanse.

Just a wee toast to the motherland. Look what I did.

Ta-da!

And a penne gratin with roasted summer veg for tomorrow.

What's happening tomorrow?

We're having some people over for tea.

It's kind of in your honour and kind of because they were coming over anyway. What people?

People I met.

Oh, did you go on one of those sad apps to try and make friends?

Those don't work. I've heard.

I met them in real life.

It will be great.

All of us together at the same social event.

How often does that happen?

It will be like an eclipse.

Let's hope nobody damages their eyesight.

Yeah, eclipses are always a let down.

But they also unite everyone together to witness

an historic celestial event.

It's just a pasta bake, mate.

'The other thing about eclipses is that you're so busy looking

'up you don't see the massive hole you're about to fall into.'

♪ Nowhere to run to, baby

♪ Nowhere to hide. ♪

So, this one here is...

Helen. OK.

And that guy there?

Joe.

Joe. Joe from work, Joe? Yeah.

Well, um...

Not from work now, cos I quit, but he was at work when I was there.

So you keep in touch. That's nice.

Yeah, he's...kind of a friend, now.

Like us. Yeah!

Babe, can you, like, text my phone cos I think it's broken? Yeah...

I'm just going to go and mingle.

He's mingling. Mingling is happening.

♪ Got nowhere to run... ♪

Salmon mousse on a cucumber blini?

Are they home-made or shop-bought? Home-made.

It's like when people bring home-made stuff into work, isn't it?

You just don't trust it. Do I detect some horseradish?

Yeah, so, what does your house say about you?

It's like my old life shagged my new life and had a delightful child.

It's OK, you don't have to say.

Let's talk about something else. No, no, I'm going to do it.

Favourite celebrity animal? Um...

♪ When I look in the mirror to comb my hair

♪ I see your face just smiling there. ♪

So when he's not texting, you're, like, coming from different places.

And it's not because they're not into you.

It's just they haven't had time to talk, because they're at

a meeting or in a library,

and they can't talk, and that's why they should fucking text, you know?

Maybe you should just ring her.

I should just ring her, you know?

Hey, Nance.

It's 8:32pm on a Saturday, and you're probably out,

breaking that glass ceiling, or the mould,

or some hearts or something.

So am I, out and about.

He says you got him run over.

SHE LAUGHS Well...

What happened was... We were at this pub.

What, like a date? No!

Like the opposite of a date.

What's this?

Did I, by any chance, leave my bra at your house?

Cos I arrived with it and now I don't have it, so...

..if you find it...

..I want it back!

Thank you!

Um...

It was part of a set.

Of course. That's why they're sold together.

SHE GIGGLES Would you like a drink?

Yes, I'd like a pint of wine, please.

And his shoe was still in my pocket when I left his.

Because the nurse said I needed looking after.

I was like his carer. Good bedside manner.

Er, so, not a date, to answer your question.

She wouldn't.

Why not?

Um...

HELEN LAUGHS

She's just not a very sexual person.

I'm doing all right in London.

I'm empty.

You all right? I'm fine.

Why, do I not seem fine?

No...

You just seem a bit distracted.

Is it cos of all the people, with their bodies?

I'm fine.

Well, I WAS fine.

Now I feel kind of shitty.

Why did she ask that?

Am I being a perv? Have people noticed?

It's essentially ratio analysis and financial modelling,

with the overall objective of making buy sell stock investment

recommendations, so...

Right, sounds... Complex, yeah.

..really quite dry. HE LAUGHS

I mean, I'm more of a creative, so that kind of stuff just...

Oh, yeah. ..goes over my head.

So, you're...you're Joe from work?

Work Joe.

Joe doing the work.

All about the work. That's, that's, that's all, just...

Er, I do other stuff too. Yeah, yeah.

JOE CHUCKLES

Probably not as much as me, though.

I, I do so many hobbies.

It's kind of my thing, actually.

It's actually how we met.

Oh, how did you? Sorry, she never said.

Felting.

Cool.

I think it's because I'm the extrovert and she's the introvert.

We just gel.

Like a foetus absorbing its twin in the womb.

THEY LAUGH That's very good.

I, I think I've really come out of my shell... How did you guys meet?

How DID we meet, Marnie?

Er, er...

We met...in a bar.

She chatted me up.

I was experimenting. What?

You got with her?

My first week in London, the only human contact

I had was with an IKEA cashier.

And I paid for that privilege.

Oh, Charlie needs a drink.

Thank you.

So, how's things? How's work?

My, my boss came onto me.

What?

Mm, yeah, I know. I was like, "Sarah, get off me!

"You're my boss!"

She actually wants me to go round there tonight.

You should report her.

Well, what if I was into it?

ARE you into it?

It doesn't matter, does it?

I mean, what am I going to do? Turn up and...

..hope the little fella does too?

Oh, that's fear talking.

You need to take away its power.

Lack of power's kind of the issue, though, innit?

I mean...

..people would understand if you told them.

What, so you... ..you think I should? Yeah.

Go round there after this? You think...

..that's a thing that I should do?

If that's what you want to do, you should do that.

Yeah, I might.

GLASS SMASHES

Whoops. Oh, oh, fuck.

It's OK if I...? Yeah, sorry.

Oh, it's fine.

SHE LAUGHS I wasn't apologising.

Er, Shereen, can I do anything?

No, no, no, no, it's all, it's all done.

I'll do the dishes. Sorry.

It's just nice to have people over.

Everyone is so nice.

Amber invited me to her birthday party. Oh!

She invited me too. You don't even live in London.

Yeah, well, I was thinking about it, actually.

You know, getting back to my roots.

I thought you were from Slough.

It's still London.

If she moves here, I'll have to move again -

like some sort of pervy nomad.

Here we go. Hey!

I made gratin with roasted summer vegetables. Pasta bake.

Delicious. Thanks, Shereen. Thanks, Shereen.

Yeah, thanks for having us around, Marnie.

Should I dish up for everyone?

SHE TAPS HER GLASS

I want to make a speech. No!

Please don't, though, cos you're quite drunk.

Shhh. Helen... Shhh.

I just want to say...

..I think it's really nice that you lot are here.

OK. Cos I know you don't really know her, like me.

SHE LAUGHS

But do you all get that she is special.

Hey! Cheers. Cheers.

Special, like special measures special, cos I fall short

of acceptable standards. THEY CHUCKLE

No! But it's fine,

because in spite of everything I know,

I accept you.

Cool. Fabulous girl.

I love her. THEY LAUGH

Do you want a bit of baguette?

Yeah, shove some bread in her mouth, shut her up. You...

..be nice. I AM being nice.

So be nice, then.

I'm literally always nice.

I'm being nice just by being here.

Like, coming to see you when you just left me,

which WASN'T nice.

But I'm nice.

And I'm here.

So, you're welcome.

Cheers! ALL: Cheers.

Great. Shall we dig in?

No. What? Gimme. I haven't...

Oh, oh, oh!

She just tried to get my top off!

Go on, then, have a good look!

Stop it, Helen, stop it. I don't like it.

Maybe you should have some food.

Soak some of it up.

You can look all you want when I move here. You're not moving here.

Yeah...I am.

Cos I'd do that for you.

Cos of what's wrong with you.

I don't want you to.

SHE LAUGHS

There's something wrong with her.

No, there's not. Have you not told them?

Don't be ashamed.

If they were mates, they'll get it. I don't think she wants to.

She does. She does. No! She does.

She is obsessed with sex.

It's not me, it's my OCD.

Fuck off! Shut the fuck up!

She's doing it right now, she's perving in her head,

thinking about all your bits and what she wants to do with them.

And she has to do it, no matter what it is,

and that's why she's done stuff with you.

Even if she hasn't, she wants to.

Shut the fuck up, Helen!

SHE SIGHS

It's going to get cold...

Yeah, come on. Yeah. Plates.

Mmm! Nicely done.

You'll, er, have to send me the recipe.

This looks...

Wow.

You know, she asked to see my breasts. Fuck...

And I was like, fine. Jesus Christ.

Because I'm your friend and I would do that for you.

Cos I know how sick she is and I know that's why

she won't stop looking at you all... Cover yourself up then!

HELEN WHIMPERS

See, she just wants to touch them...

Argh, I have OCD!

I have intrusive sexual thoughts that give me really bad anxiety!

Yes, I've thought about you all.

No, I don't want to talk about it, so...

Enjoy your fucking tea.

Bon appetit.

It's good.

Most people ruin dinner parties with salmonella, not me.

If you come to my house, it's not the food that gives you nausea,

it's the shocking revelations about the host.

Oh, I'll do it in the morning, Shereen.

Oh, it's fine. I said I'll do it!

Sorry. Don't apologise!

Why are you so nice to people?

You let them walk all over you.

It's not going to make them like you, it's fucking depressing!

Stand up for yourself!

Sorry.

Hello?

In here.

Want some?

Actually, you don't have any milk, do you?

Milk?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, just had a hankering.

Cheers.

Mm.

It's a nice place.

Good-sized rooms.

I'll give you a tour. Kitchen, obviously.

Conservatory, snug.

Has she text back yet?

Nope, not unless she's somehow changed her name to Mo in my phone

and wants to know if I want this lovely table lamp

she's getting rid of.

Bit chintzy.

I said yeah.

Well done.

It's Irish chic.

That was weird.

Well, at least we didn't get food poisoning.

There's still time.

Hello, Amber speaking.

Oh, is that your phone voice?

Nancy, hi.

Do you want to come round?

Um... Um...

I'm still out, actually.

OK. Well, another time, then.

I could do next week.

Yeah, just that work's a bit full-on next week, so...

Oh, tell me about it! Work is absolutely madness here.

She's totally using you, you idiot.

Don't do it!

Don't do it, just say no.

Um, I could do, say, an hour?

You are weak, mate!

So weak!

Great.

Isn't it just?

Great, so... Hello?

Who are you?

It's like when they change Bonds, I don't like it.

No, cos what this is is I'm playing her.

OK? I'm not going to go to hers, and she's going

to be waiting, right, and I'm going to be here

on the couch in my PJs, not at her house, where

she is probably naked.

One second. Just going to...

Just going to what?

And...bedroom.

Oh, it's nice.

Very tidy.

It's a good size.

Oh, iPad by the bed - naughty.

Shouldn't use that before you go to sleep cos it's blue light

and it keeps you up, you know, disturbs your sleep...

Key performance indicator.

And no-one can find out.

Mum's the word.

Not cos you're, you know... Yeah, sh!

Come on.

I don't know if I can.

If you're worried about work, I'll be very discreet.

No, like, physically.

I've got a bit of a problem - don't know if it works.

You know me, this.

I mean, it works sometimes, I just don't really know when.

It's quite inconsistent.

I see.

Yeah, I just don't want you to think that it's you.

I know it's not me. It's definitely, definitely not you.

Yep, yep.

I... What do you want to do, Charlie?

Well, if you still want to do something,

then it would have to be me doing stuff to you. Right.

That would probably help, you'd be doing me a favour.

Happy to help.

Helen, Helen!

What? Your bag's on the seat.

Oh, sorry.

What did you just say to her?

I said I was sorry cos my bag was on the seat. Oh.

Didn't know you knew that word.

Well, I do. Maybe you should say it, then.

You should say it. Why should I say it?

You're the one that behaved like a massive bitch. I can't believe you did that!

I travelled, like, 500 miles to come and see you!

The Proclaimers are in and they're proclaiming a load of shite! You just ignored me.

Pretty hard to ignore you when everything you do is so somebody will look at you.

Yeah, well everyone's looking at you now so you don't have to worry about that.

Bet you hate that.

No, I hate that everyone gets fun Marnie and I get this shit.

You love when I'm shit because then nobody notices that you're shit.

You're shit!

OK, well, I'd rather be shit than mental.

Bye.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Me too.

I don't think that you're mental.

I was just really fucking angry at you for leaving me.

I didn't leave you.

I left me.

Please come back.

You're not you when you're down here.

I think we need to not be friends for a bit.

You can't not be my friend.

Cos all I've got is you and my hair.

Are you breaking up with me?

I love you, but I hate how I feel when I'm with you.

I'm sorry.

I think I just need to be on my own for a bit until I sort myself out.

Well, I should go.

Will you be OK?

I'll fuck your dad to get back at you.

It's not me, it's her.

Light of my life, bonfire of my existence.

She used to make me feel warm inside, now she's set my heart

on fire, like an arson attack.

We are ashes.

But now new life can grow.

♪ Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

♪ Deep inside I'm blue

♪ So take a good look at my face

♪ You'll see my smile looks out of place

♪ If you look closer it's easy to trace

♪ The tracks of my tears

♪ I need you

♪ Need you

♪ Need you

♪ Need you

♪ Since you left me if you see me with another girl

♪ Seeming like I'm having fun

♪ Although she may be cute she's just a substitute

♪ Because you're the permanent one

♪ So take a good look at my face

♪ You'll see my smile looks out of place

♪ Look a little bit closer it's easy to trace. ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media