Original subtitles

[ Whistling ]

[ Shaver buzzing ]

What are you doing?

It's a stare-down, baby. It's a stare-down.

What's a stare-down? Stay out of it, michael!

It's between me and the scale,

Otherwise known as the fat detector.

Oh, yes. It's weigh day, honey.

What's weigh day? Whoo.

Weigh day.

Ever since I've been training for the marathon,

I weigh myself once a week, and today is the day.

Well, then, hop on. Let's see what --

No, no, no! No!

Ooh? No!

You just don't hop on.

I didn't know.

Just wait a minute.

Now, first, you hold my slippers. Okay.

Then you get this earring.

Don't forget your wedding ring.

Oh, that's a good idea 'cause you know...

Okay, well, I'll just deduct three pounds for that.

Three pounds?

Yeah, that's about three pounds.

When I bought it, I said, "could I get that three-pounder?"

Three pounds. That's right.

Oh, you know what? I almost forgot.

Just move out of my way for a second, move out.

See, this is gonna help a lot when i, uh...

Yeah, I'm lighter.

Jay, come on, baby. What are you doing to yourself?

You look fantastic already.

Michael, I am running a marathon.

That's something you just can't take lightly, honey.

Aw, sure you can!

It's only 26 miles.

You act like it's hard or something.

And if it's so easy, why did you back out?

You were supposed to run it with me.

I didn't back out. I'm gonna run it with you.

Without training?

Come on, jay, I'm in great shape.

I box, I lift weights.

You've seen me naked. I only got one bulge.

Besides, men are just more superior physically.

You know, we're tougher.

Ow! I think I got a nicky. Am I bleeding?

Get out of here, michael.

Just hold this, okay?

So I could do this, please. Okay.

Thank you.

You gonna take your pajamas off?

No. See, see, see?

Now the pajamas weigh exactly one half pound.

Now, that gives me psychological edge.

So no matter what the scale says, I could deduct it, plus --

The three pounds. For the ring.

And the rest of the hair. That's right.

Right.

Okay, it's time. It's time.

Let me do this.

Okay, for real, extra air is weighing me down.

Just back up.

So, what does it say?

Baby, the needle -- the needle is still moving.

Michael, you know what? Just -- can you --

I'll stand here.

He didn't mean it. He don't know.

Come on, be the number, be the number, be the number.

Just a little bit. Be the number!

Yes! I lost three pounds!

I thought it was 10.

Oh, wait, no, it's three.

Oh.

Would you like something?

We have some honeybuns in here and also some melons.

Oh.

Uh -- uh, got any milk?

Sure. You want some?

Oh, no. No, I don't.

Actually, can I -- can I just get some water?

Sure. Yeah.

Oh.

[ Gasps ] I splashed water all over myself.

Look at me. I'm all wet.

Haah!

Oh!

Oh. Ah.

What's wrong with you?

Uh, what makes you think, uh...something's wrong?

Well, you're sweating, and you keep making that noise.

What noise?

This noise --

[ Pants ]

Okay, you know what?

I guess I'd better come clean, okay?

Uh -- uh, claire, I'm having a problem.

Oh, what kind of problem?

You.

Me? What did I do?

You fill me with lust, claire, okay?

Every minute I'm not with you, I just can't wait to see you.

And then every time I'm with you...

Oh, god, I just want to jump on you.

Well, that's a good thing.

No!

No, no, it's not.

Look -- look, you just don't understand, okay?

I'm trying.

Look, it's as simple as this --

"And if your right eye offends thee,

"Then pluck it out and cast it from thee,

"For it is more profitable to have one of thy members perish

And not thy whole body be cast into hell."

[Sighs] amen.

What?

Matthew 5:29?

Oh, boy. Here we go again.

Look, tony, I respect your spirituality,

But sometimes you carry it too far.

Look, I understand that's your opinion, claire.

But you're wrong, okay? You can't argue with the bible.

Fine, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I mean, you could start...

By being --

You could start by being a little less sexy.

[ Laughs ] are you serious?

I'm very serious, claire.

How am I supposed to be less sexy?

I'm not trying to be sexy.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Oow!

Aah!

What?

You're right, you know.

It's not you, it's me, okay?

But I just find everything you do to be so incredibly erotic.

I can't help it if you're crazy.

Yes, you can, okay?

There are definitely steps

You could take that would help me.

You know I love you, tony.

I'll do anything to make you happy.

Don't say that!

I'm sorry. It's just so hard.

Yeah, well, it's getting hard for me, too.

Okay, now that you're taking a parenting class,

Kady and I are going to ask you a series of questions

To see if you're fit to be a father.

Bring it on.

Number one -- what is the human gestation period?

About 30 seconds.

Well, at least that's how long it was for me!

[ Laughs ]

How often should you feed the baby?

That depends on how big you want it to get.

Whoa. Whoa.

How often should you change the baby?

Whenever you get sick of smelling it.

Okay, I've heard enough.

So how'd I do?

According to the feldman scale developed at johns hopkins,

Not only shouldn't you have children,

You shouldn't have opposable thumbs.

[ Laughs ]

That would have been funny

If you were smart enough to understand it.

Does that mean I'd be a bad dad?

No, it means you're a functional idiot.

Functional! Yes! I'm functional, yeah!

That's not a good thing. No?

No, because the emphasis is on the word "idiot."

[ Sighs ] so what should I do?

Well, you should pick someone smart and emulate them.

Okay, who?

Well, I would say me, but let's lower the bar a little bit.

How about your dad?

Ew! I'm not gonna emulate my dad.

That's disgusting!

Emulate means "to copy."

Oh. Oh, then I emulated all through high school.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, franklin, just the man I wanted to see.

Listen, you told me I should eat for my blood type, right?

Then, are nuts good for me?

Well, you survived this one!

[ Laughs ]

But, no.

Even though they're a good source of protein,

They're still too fattening for someone in training.

Okay, coach.

Mr. Kyle, you're a lucky man.

Your wife is the most dedicated athlete I've ever worked with.

Well, thank you, but what qualifies you to train athletes?

I have a degree in kinesiology.

Oh, what's that? The study of the kinees?

Ha, no.

Mr. Kyle, when are you gonna start your regimen?

I'm already on a regimen.

I'm on the "eat, drink, and be merry" plan.

That's great if you're training to be fat albert.

Hey, hey, hey! [ Laughs ]

Come on, look at me, franklin. I am ready.

But, mr. Kyle, a marathon is a test of endurance.

No, it is a test of wills.

If you believe in that, you will lose.

[ Laughs ]

Anyhoo...my point is, without the right conditioning,

You have no chance of beating mrs. Kyle.

That is not true.

See, my point is that superior athletes

Like myself and michael jordan

Are able to go to a place deep within themselves

And pull out that warrior spirit

Which helps them to overcome every obstacle.

I'm sorry.

My mother won't let me eat this much bologna.

[ Laughs ]

Tss! I'm on fire today!

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, tony.

Good evening, mr. Kyle.

How are you doing? Pretty good.

What are you guys doing tonight?

We're going to the movies.

Really? What are you gonna go see?

Oh, we're going to see "bambi."

You're an odd child.

Hey, I thought you said you was going to the movies,

Not the "little house on the prairie."

Very funny, dad.

What's up with the moms mabley look?

That's what I was going for. I'm supporting tony's celibacy.

Ah.

Let's go, tony.

Good night, guys.

Well, I'm off. Mrs. Kyle?

Yeah, coach? What's up?

I'll see you at 5:00 a.m. For our morning run.

Mr. Kyle, you're welcome to join us.

A-a-a-w, phooey.

I'm gonna lay in my bed.

I'm gonna roll over and eat pancakes, sausages,

And I'm still gonna beat you in that race.

In crazy land.

Ha ha ha ha! I kill myself.

You know what? I'm about tired of you.

Let's make this interesting.

Let's put your money where your mouth is.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

If I win, then I take you to a restaurant,

And you have to eat spaghetti, bread, fish sticks,

Fudge sticks, anchovy, and chocolate souffle.

Okay, and if I win, I get anything I want.

Deal.

Deal.

[ Laughs ]

So when's the marathon?

Oh, that would be tomorrow, son.

Still feel confident?

[ Chuckles ] extremely.

[ Gulping ]

Dad, don't you think you should train just a little bit?

I mean, mom's been working out pretty hard.

Listen to you.

[ Mockingly ] don't you think you should be training?

I mean, mom is working out pretty hard.

Well, your mother needs to work out.

She's all flab and gab like her mother.

Me -- I'm a machine. Feel that.

That feel like I need to do some running?

Your biceps are fine, but you got little calves, dad.

Yeah, but that's because the arms are what carry the legs.

But they're still little.

The arms connect. It's like pinocchio.

You know why he ran away? Because he had big arms.

Whoo!

Two minutes better than yesterday.

[ Imitates mickey from "rocky" ] you're a machine, rock.

You eat lightning and crap thunder.

That's right. He's right.

I'm a running machine. I don't get tired.

Pain is just a word to me. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, don't get too cocky, rocky,

'Cause tomorrow, I'm gonna embarrass you.

By the way, would you like a nice slice of pizza?

No, I don't want any of that pizza.

I'd much prefer the taste of victory, thank you very much.

And you're gonna regret eating that

Because it's gonna weigh you down like a rock.

See, I'm doing what all great athletes of my caliber do.

I'm carbo-loading.

That's right. Carbo-loading.

Loading up the carbs.

That's right, and after I finish this,

I'm gonna run out and get me a nice hero sandwich.

Not just any hero, like superman or spider-man.

This right here, right there -- that's sandwich man.

Yeah, and after I finish the sandwich,

I'm gonna go out and get me a nice chocolate milkshake

And wash it down.

♪ Oh, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake your milkshake, oh, shake your milkshake ♪

Boy, you better get your little narrow behind off me.

Go ahead, michael. Have another slice of pizza.

Top off your tank. You're gonna need it.

I don't mind if I do. Watch this.

Ew! Ew! Ew! Yuck.

This is gonna be so easy.

[ Imitating mickey from "rocky" ] come on, rock.

You hit the showers. Okay.

I'll get some milk and cookies and take a nice, long nap.

All right, all right. Here we go!

Mom does look pretty good.

Oh, I'm scared. I'm shaking.

♪ Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake your milkshake, oh, shake your milkshake ♪

That's perfect. That's perfect.

I'm cured.

Tony -- don't look at me!

Oh, god. You ruined it.

I can see your eyes, and you know what they're doing?

They're tempting me. You know what they're saying?

They're saying, "hey, you wanna take a peek, big boy?"

Okay, I give up.

What can I do to turn you off?

Oh, god, you are so beautiful without your veil.

Oh...

Stop it! You're acting like an idiot!

I love it when you're angry. Oh!

If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna get

Really angry and slap you.

No, that'd be physical contact.

I could not handle that now.

I might explode. Oh!

You've lost your mind, tony.

You know what?

I don't think I can see you anymore

Until you come to your senses.

Okay, you know what?

I have got one last idea, okay?

Look, here. Here, put these on, okay?

Oy vey, you're hot!

Oh!

Oh!

Okay, that's not working, either.

Okay, you know what? I'm fine.

I am just not gonna look at you. Not gonna look at you.

Yeah, see, this is working. Okay.

Oh.

Oh, god, I can smell you.

That's it, get out, tony. Get out.

That's physical contact!

Oh! Oh! Don't touch me -- don't touch me!

I can still smell you.

[ Grunts ]

You know, jay, it's not too late for you to bail out.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you could save yourself some embarrassment.

We could just go home and make love.

Sound a little nervous, pizza boy.

No, I feel stronger than ever, jay.

In fact, I got this thing already in the bag.

You just don't know it yet.

Announcer: your attention please.

The race will begin in 30 seconds.

I'm gonna go stand over there with them kenyan brothers.

Hey, matumbo, hold my spot!

[ Imitating swahili ]

[ Speaking swahili ]

Good luck.

[ Imitating swahili ]

[ Starting pistol shoots ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Panting ]

[ Whistling ]

What?

You're amazing, that's all.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

You know, I passed you a mile into the race,

And you were huffing and puffing.

And then, yet, yet... There you were at the finish

Just stronger than ever.

That was the rope a dope.

You fell for that?

Jay, that was all part of the plan.

What I did was I laid there, and I played possum,

And I let everybody just sprint past me.

And then when my carbs kicked in, I shot out of there.

Yeah, I'm running like that.

You are a cheater.

Ouch.

It hurts me to my heart

That you would reduce my accomplishment to ch--

I can't even say it!

I will say it for you. Cheater, cheater, cheater!

And I want you to stand right here

And you tell me how you did it.

I should not even dignify that...

With a response,

But if you have to know, brown eyes...

I took the carbs.

Are you gonna start lying to me at this point in our marriage?

Is that what you're gonna do?

I'm not lying. I told you, I took the carbs.

What kind of carbs?

A taxi carb.

I knew it! I knew it! Michael, ooh!

I knew you could not beat me fair and square!

I knew it, michael!

Look, in my defense, jay...

I can't believe you. I only took the cab

For 25.9.5 of the miles.

The rest of it, I ran.

I can't believe you cheated.

Michael, you are a cheater.

You cheater. Baby, don't.

That's an ugly word. It's ugly.

It's a no-no.

Okay, I'm sorry, all right?

My pride wouldn't let me lose, and my legs wouldn't let me win.

You deserve an apology.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I had no idea how much work you had to put in

To get in the condition that you're in to run that race.

Really? Baby...

You're an amazing woman --

That focus and discipline.

You know, when I was in the cab and I looked out...

I told the driver, "slow down, habib, slow down.

That's my wife right there."

You know what he said?

[ Middle eastern accent ] he said, "she certainly is beautiful.

She has two humps just like a camel."

And I said, "yep, that's my wife."

So technically, you know what?

I'm calling off the whole bet.

Baby, you'd do that for me?

I'd do it for us, jay.

[ Chuckles ] you know?

You're not buying it.

Not at all. Mnh-mnh, nope, not buying it.

Okay, so I won.

As I recall, I can have anything I want.

Is that right? Is that right? What? What? What?

Within reason, within reason. All right.

Let's be reasonable.

I want my husband...

To be my training partner next year in the race.

We run together side by side,

The way we were supposed to this year.

Deal?

Okay, a deal's a deal. Deal?

Mm-hmm. Can we shake on it? Yeah.

♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪ come on.

Do I have to? Yes.

♪ Shake that booty, ow ♪

♪ Shake that booty, ow ♪

Okay, I've thought about it and thought about it, tony,

And this is the best solution.

I tried covering up, and that didn't work.

So what we're gonna do

Is build up your tolerance for looking at me.

I want you to stare at me until you're bored.

Ready?

[ Gasping ]

[ Panting ]

Hi, tony.

Aah!

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

My pride wouldn't let me lose, and my ego wouldn't let me win.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, I'm sorry.

My pride wouldn't let me win, and my ego wouldn't let me lose,

And nothing is making sense here.

[ Laughs ]