Original subtitles

You're still coming to Justin's thing tonight, right?

Yeah.

I'll probably get there around 11.

Depends on how much wine

Mr. and Mrs. Hiller drink at dinner tonight.

I can't believe you get paid 15 bucks an hour

to sit on your ass all night.

Well, occasionally, the baby cries, and I have to go check on her.

But, yeah, I, uh, pretty much just watch Netflix.

- Whatever. - Ha, ha.

So let me ask you something.

Does this outfit look too trashy for tonight?

Well, on... On like a scale from Taylor to Miley,

you're, um...

You're at a Kardashian level of trashiness right now.

- Which one? - Does it matter?

Ugh. I'm gonna change.

Text me when you're done.

Okay. Lates.

- Thanks. - Hee-hee. Thank you.

- Keep the change. - Hee-hee.

- Oh, that was fun. - Yeah.

The night's not over.

Ooh. Save it for the bedroom, cowboy.

- Or... - Or what?

Well, we still have the sitter for a half hour.

I thought we'd, uh, give the hammock in the backyard a try.

Oh, please.

I'm not taking you to the emergency room

for a sex-related injury.

- All right. - Open the door.

Addison?

- Mr. and Mrs. Hiller. - Ah!

Don't be alarmed. I'm with STS Security.

I was dispatched to check on an alarm incident.

Why are you holding my baby?

She was crying. No one else was home.

I don't understand. If the alarm went off,

why didn't anybody call us?

Oh, my God!

Please don't do this.

Please.

Thousands of years, man has taken to the sea...

building vessels to conquer the mighty ocean.

Now, after nearly a year of planning and months of robust presale,

finally time for my inaugural voyage of my latest and greatest enterprise,

Kamekona interisland booze cruise.

Congratulations, big guy. We knew you could do it.

Well, not to be a killjoy, but as ship medic,

I do have to advise that consuming alcohol

could severely impair our ability to operate this vessel safely.

Well, as the first mate- slash-DJ-slash-bartender,

I got one thing to say to that.

- Overruled. - Boom.

I'd like to throw out a special thank-you

to my brother from another mother, Steve McGarrett,

for generously offering his services as nautical consultant for this test run.

Pro bono, I might add.

Yeah, we, uh... We firmly established that I won't be getting paid.

Why don't we christen this lady, get her on the water?

I'll drink to that. Although I do have to admit

I am perplexed by the name that Kamekona has chosen for her.

Uh, I didn't pick it, doc.

This boat is from a H.P.D. property forfeiture auction.

Repainting wasn't in the budget.

Not after he blew it all on this.

Ta-da!

Wow.

Yeah, that's impressive.

Coz is a straight up wizard when it comes to branding.

All right, all right. Let's make this official.

McGarrett, wanna do the honours?

Really? What...? You couldn't spring for a bigger bottle?

It's a ceremonial gesture.

Ceremonial ges... Okay.

To the sea, to the sailors of old,

and to the SS Thong Magnet.

- Yeah. - Mazel tov.

- McGarrett. - Oh, no.

Chin, what do you got?

Joel and Susan Hiller.

Housekeeper arrived this morning to find them tied up on the floor.

Their infant daughter, however, was left untouched in her crib.

I thought this was a kidnapping.

If the parents are accounted for and so's the kid, who's the victim?

Addison Wells, 22 years old,

originally from Minnesota.

She's currently a senior at O'ahu State.

She started babysitting for the Hillers six months ago.

Parents are getting on a flight to Hawaii.

Minneapolis P.D.'s up on the phones, but so far no ransom call.

I think if they wanted a ransom, they would've taken the kid.

I agree. The Hillers have deep pockets.

But the kidnapper was interested in Addison, not a payday.

Putting motive aside for a minute, why did he abduct her from here?

That's a good point. Seems risky.

Well, Addison lived on campus,

and the access to the dorms is tightly controlled.

Grabbing her here may have been his best opportunity.

It also means he was stalking her long enough

- to know her schedule, right? - Yeah.

CSU ran diagnostics on the Hiller security system.

The alarm was disabled from a remote location

- prior to the abduction. - Kidnapper must've hacked it.

That takes considerable skill.

Well, skills he's got. He hacked the entire house.

Everything connected with the home's network,

from the thermostat to the baby monitor

to the security cameras, even that laptop that belongs to the vic.

All right. Get this computer to Jerry.

Let's sit the Hillers down with an H.P.D. sketch artist.

If our perp went to this much trouble to abduct Addison,

I hate to think what he's gonna do to her.

Were you two close?

Yeah, I'd say so.

Was she seeing anybody? Maybe she have a boyfriend?

No. There was this guy she met online, but that didn't pan out.

- Why? What happened? - I don't know.

They never met face-to-face.

They e-mailed back and forth for a month,

and then it just suddenly ended.

How come? Did she say?

No. I asked,

but she clearly didn't wanna talk about it.

But I think the guy really creeped her out.

Hmm. Do you recall if she ever mentioned this guy's name?

Jeremy.

Meet Jeremy F.

His online dating profile showed up on Addison's browser history.

I also found a trove of deleted e-mails

between the two of them going back over a month.

Just scanning through them,

I'd say their correspondence could best be described

as, well, intimate.

Yeah, one problem. This photo doesn't look

anything like the composite sketch we got of our perp.

There's a pretty good reason for that.

Many people often misrepresent themselves on the Internet.

I did a reverse image search,

and the photos were stolen from this guy.

He is a collegiate Rugby player from Melbourne, Australia.

His favourite movie is Shawshank Redemption.

And his social media profile is set to public,

which means that anyone in the world can download these images.

Okay. So Jeremy F. took this guy's photos

- to catfish our victim? - Exactly.

And once Addison realised this, she sent him a strongly worded e-mail.

Threatened to call the cops if he ever tried to contact her again.

That's when the correspondence ended.

And I'll just bet this creeper couldn't take no for an answer.

So he started stalking this poor woman

until he could find the perfect opportunity to grab her.

Okay, Jerry, we're gonna need to trace his e-mails.

I hear you, but our kidnapper is no amateur.

He was smart enough to send the e-mails

through a Secure Socket Tunnelling Protocol.

CSU is working to break the encryption,

but it's gonna take time.

Jerry, that's time we don't have. Come on, this girl's life is at stake.

Well, unless you know some computer genius who can do the work

for an entire crime lab in half the time, we're out of luck.

Actually, I know just the guy.

Here's your sunrise cocktail, sir.

Thank you.

Ah.

Oh, please, God, if you exist, prove it to me right here and now.

Thank you.

Hi. Excuse me.

Is that you on the cover of that magazine?

Oh, boy, that's so embarrassing.

My publicist insisted that I do it.

My name's Adam. My friends call me Toast.

Mia. I should probably know who you are.

Not unless you're a gamer.

Yeah, I created one of the fastest-grossing mobile games

of all time.

We hit 10 million downloads in the first month.

Wow, that's incredible.

That's what Tim Cook said.

But enough about me. What is it that you do?

I'm a model. I was just in Lanai doing a swimwear shoot.

- Oh. Swimwear. Very cool. - Ha, ha.

So, what brings you to Los Angeles today, Toast?

- Waffles. - What? Ha, ha.

Well, not just waffles. Fried chicken too.

Have you ever been to Roscoe's in Hollywood?

Uh, yeah. Sure, it's great.

I don't know if I'd travel 3,000 miles for it.

Well, clearly you're not as dedicated to excellent waffles as I am.

But if you're free later, I'd love to take you to breakfast.

You do know we land at 5:00, right?

I don't do time zones.

I do, however, very much enjoy a good breakfast.

- Hence the name. - Ha, ha.

- You're funny. - And you're mind-blowingly attractive.

Go ahead, sir.

Are you just gonna pretend like you didn't see us or what?

Hey.

Jersey, McGruff.

What a coincidence. You guys going to L.A.?

No, no, and neither are you.

Impeccable timing as always, fellows.

Thanks to you, I am not having chicken and waffles with a bona fide ten.

Hold on, hold on. Stop. You?

You created "Poopie Penguin"?

- Yeah. - Unbelievable.

- "Poopie Penguin"? - That's right.

- What's "Poopie Penguin"? - What's...? You live under a rock?

"Poopie Penguin" is a game that you play on your cell phone

where you're a penguin and you fly around in the air

and you poop on people's heads for points.

- Penguins don't fly. - No.

They do in my universe.

Let me explain something to you.

My kids, Charlie and Grace, they play this game nonstop.

Must've spent $100 on it just last month.

Yeah? That's the beauty of in-app purchases.

I don't think there's anything beautiful about it. I think it's a scam.

You're ripping off children, is what you're doing.

Give them the app for free.

Then they gotta pay if they wanna keep playing

for the power-ups and the boosts or whatever.

You're like a drug dealer pushing dope.

First taste is free, then they're hooked for life.

- Don't hate the player, hate the game. - I hate the game. I do, very much.

Would you please stop and let him focus?

He needs to focus. This is important.

I'm just curious, how do you think of something like that, anyway?

It's simple.

- A, poop is funny. - I'll give you that.

B, it's relatable. Everybody poops.

And C, it's easy to monetize.

Biology tells us that in order to poop, you have to eat,

- and I control the food supply. - All right with the biology, okay?

You sell 99-cent virtual penguin food, all right?

Get over yourself.

Winner, winner, chicken waffle dinner.

You got a location?

I do. It looks like those catfish e-mails were sent

from an office building downtown.

Toast, talk to me.

Keep going about ten more yards and then head right.

Signal's tracing to a terminal in the far corner.

Can I help you?

You got a beautiful family, Mr. Mintz.

I imagine they're not gonna be

too pleased when they find out their old man is an online predator.

Please, you have to understand.

I'm not a bad person.

Okay.

Look, Addison Wells found out who you really were,

and all of a sudden, she ends up missing.

How do you explain that?

Now, look, I admit

that I misrepresented myself to Addison,

but I had nothing to do with her disappearance.

It was all just a fantasy.

I never planned on acting on it.

All right, Chin showed Mintz's photo to the Hillers.

They don't seem to think he's our guy.

I'm not surprised. Look at this.

Mintz was perving on at least a dozen other women.

He was at this terminal chatting one of them up last night.

He logged off around 11 p.m.

Okay. There's no way he could have been in Kahala

at the time of the abduction.

I'm begging you.

I won't tell anybody.

Please let me go.

I don't wanna die here.

Please.

Please let me go.

Toast did a sweep of Addison's laptop. Found something the lab missed.

Spyware. And she had it bad. I'm not talking about the kind

that slows your computer down, gives you pop-up ads for boner pills.

I'm talking about Cherry Bomb.

- What's Cherry Bomb? - It's like Microsoft Office

for black-hat hackers.

It's a suite of malware that includes key loggers,

root kits and fingerprint evasions. Real scary stuff.

The thing is we found the executable file

that infected Addison's system.

It was installed over five months ago.

The spyware landed on her computer before she was catfished by Mintz.

Which means that it had to be her kidnapper who infected her.

We find out who's behind the hack, we find our guy.

Okay, guys, look, I don't know who attacked Addison's computer,

but I might know someone who does.

- Dude, what are you doing? - Just keeping it real.

I don't want the old crew thinking I sold out.

Why do you think we parked two blocks away?

I can't believe this.

We're sending Scooby and Shaggy in to work this lead.

Password.

Joshua.

Nice.

"Joshua" was the backdoor password Matthew Broderick used

to access the Cheyenne Mountain nuclear complex

in the 1983 sci-fi classic WarGames.

That's right.

Your nerd credentials are in order. You may enter.

So which one of these loveable rogues is our Han Solo?

Ten o'clock, in the beanbag chair.

He goes by Null Legend. He authored the Cherry Bomb.

Well, look at this.

Captain Bird Turd is slumming it with the code jockeys again.

What? Did you blow through your millions already?

Nope. I was hoping you could help my boy here.

You see, someone's been using Cherry Bomb to creep on his sister.

Sorry to hear. But I just give people the tools to hack.

It's up to them to do so responsibly.

Besides, my customers pay top dollar to stay anon.

Except they're not so anonymous to you.

We both know that you keep records of all your buyers

so that way, if the heat does come down,

you've got someone to roll on.

Let me be clear, okay?

It's not that I can't help you. It's that I don't want to.

And I think you know why.

This is going great. About as well as I expected.

Okay. All right.

It's obvious you two have history, but can we take a step back,

- focus on my problem? - Hold that thought, Jerry.

Patrick here was about to tell us how I stole his idea.

First of all, very uncool using my real name.

And second, you did steal my idea.

- Here we go. - Okay, remember?

We were blasting a J in the Zippie's parking lot

and a bird dropped a deuce on my shoulder.

We started talking about how that would make a cool video game.

Yeah. But in your version,

the player was an average dude who was trying to avoid getting pooped on.

It was my idea to make the player the pooper, not the poopee.

When I brought it up to you days later, you said, quote:

"That's the dumbest idea ever," end quote.

In my defence, I was sober when I said that.

Okay. Look, Null Legend, or Patrick, whatever your name is...

- It's Patrick. - Patrick.

The customer you're protecting, the guy in this picture, kidnapped a girl.

Dude, your sister was kidnapped?

No, that was a clever ruse. I'm actually with Five-0.

All I gotta do is say the word, and the cavalry will storm this place,

seize every computer in here and arrest your entire crew.

How many customers are gonna wanna do business with you then?

I can't believe you narc'd me out.

I can't believe you're still running Linux on a 32-bit Samurai stack.

Get out of the dark ages, dude.

Also, get us that name.

Yeah.

Let's get H.P.D. and CSU down here, tear this place apart.

Down here.

- You can see it right there. - Okay.

Yo.

Okay. So this place is leased to a guy named Jacob Holm.

Neighbours have not seen him for a couple days.

Well, it probably means Addison was never here, right?

Okay. So this is what we know about Jacob Holm.

He worked in IT at a local law firm.

That was, until he was fired

for downloading confidential files off the company's server.

Yeah, Holm's bosses agreed to drop the charges

if he just returned the stolen data. But instead, he turned around

and leaked hundreds of e-mails to the press

proving that the law firm was wrapped up in all kinds of dirt.

They were destroying evidence,

covering up fraud, even threatened witnesses.

When the story broke, the press branded Holm a hacktivist.

He ended up serving 18 months of a five-year sentence.

And he was released last July.

- Where'd you find all this stuff? - A folder in his nightstand.

Ah, so he was proud of it. He thinks he's a hero.

That doesn't make any sense. I mean, Holm's one prior arrest

was for a crime that was ideologically motivated.

How does a guy go from hacking a law firm to kidnapping a college kid?

Ahoy, captain!

Ahoy!

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a backseat sailor,

but I just wanna make sure everything is all right with the ship.

All good, bruddah. Why you asking?

Well, it's just that, according to my calculations,

it appears that we've travelled approximately ten feet

in the last 40 minutes.

What? How is that possible?

It appears that our vessel is currently becalmed.

I would put the wind speed at a 1 on the Beaufort scale.

English.

There's no wind.

Hence, the boat isn't moving.

Flippa! Flippa!

What gives, brah?

- You're supposed to be my GPS. - Sorry, coz.

I got seasick.

I see why our navigation system's in the fritz.

Well, leaving your first mate in charge of the liquor

may not have been the most prudent move.

Don't sweat it, doc.

We got an auxiliary engine just for this situation.

I assume you checked that the battery was charged

before we set sail?

This thing has a battery?

Mayday. Mayday.

This is the SS Thong Magnet needing emergency assistance.

And I'm afraid the radio is powered by the battery as well.

And we lost cell service a few hours ago.

Why are you so calm about this?

Well, I project outward confidence as a way of coping with stress.

Inside, I'm terrified.

We're gonna die out here.

Nobody's dying on my watch.

All we gotta do is send a distress signal up.

Coast Guard will come and tow us to shore.

You gotta be kidding me, brah.

Must be a safety. Give it here.

Sure, let the drunk guy handle the firearm.

- Great idea. - Everyone chill. I got this.

Well, there's no missing that.

- I heard you got something. - Yeah.

Addison wasn't the only person that Holm was spying on.

Looks like he put spyware onto over a thousand machines.

- He was targeting other victims. - Exactly.

And it looks like he may have selected one.

He's got a folder with this guy's name on it. Jason Putnam.

- Whoa. That's a lot of data. - Over a terabyte.

E-mails, financials, recorded phone calls.

He even has video and screencaps

from a bunch of hijacked camera feeds.

Who is Jason Putnam?

My name is Jason Putnam, and I have something to confess.

Over the past year,

while working as a private financial advisor,

I embezzled over $800,000,

mostly from elderly clients

whom I believed were less likely to detect the fraud.

Jason Putnam posted this video to his profile three days ago.

It immediately went viral.

Huh. This guy is robbing old folks of their life savings.

I imagine the Internet was not too kind.

It was brutal. He was publicly eviscerated.

But since then, no one has seen or heard from him.

His family contacted H.P.D.

They were concerned about his mental state.

He's currently classified as an endangered missing adult.

Okay. But clearly Putnam didn't go missing on his own.

I mean, Holm kidnapped him and forced this confession.

Guys, check this out.

I found these on Holm's server.

They're camera feeds, and they're live.

Can we trace where they're coming from?

Sure, but there's 17 of them, and they're coming from all over the island.

From what I can tell, it's abandoned buildings and vacant homes.

He was staking these places out.

Maybe that's where he's taking his victims.

That's what I was afraid of. And check this out.

That's a body.

What is it?

This is the fallout to his confession.

What do you think? He was making Putnam watch it?

That's exactly what I think.

And then he left him locked up in here with only one way out.

- Thought we had lost you there, coz. - Oh. Get off me.

- What happened? - You don't remember?

We were just floating out there on that life raft.

- And I spotted land. - That's right.

You were so excited you jumped up and lost your balance.

By the time we got you in the raft,

you had swallowed so much water that you passed out.

Doc had to do mouth-to-mouth to get you breathing again.

Ah. Glad to see you back on your feet, captain.

- Where the hell are we? - Well, that is a good question.

My best bet is we're on one of the uninhabited islets

of the Hawaiian chain.

Most likely Lehua.

Lehua?

Now all we have to do is survive until we get discovered.

Fortunately, I have a head start on building the fire.

I did it while you were unconscious.

At least we'll be warm while we starve to death.

Oh, nonsense.

I also collected some crickets and caterpillars for our dining pleasure.

It's an excellent source of protein.

I grabbed what I could before our ship burnt up.

If we ration it, could last us a few days.

Talk to me. What do we have?

- Mochi balls. - Love those.

And a bottle of ouzo.

Who's up for some sing-alongs?

That sounds delightful.

Sorry, coz.

If I die first, I want you to eat me.

Nobody's gonna eat you.

So, what you saying? I'm not good enough for you?

Why wouldn't you eat me?

You're not a zombie. You're just eating me.

Just... It's not considered zombie-ish.

Guys, over here!

Check it out. Doctor, a regular MacGyver.

Actually, it's basic physics.

The lens focuses the light to generate enough heat to burn.

Now, all we need to do is to stoke the flame.

Oh. Yeesh. Come on.

I'll do you one better, brah.

- Oh! Whoa. - Yeah!

Yeah.

Always nice to have flammable liquid.

- Yeah. - And alcohol.

All right. Thanks, Duke.

All right. So H.P.D. checked all the locations Holm was surveilling.

No sign of Addison.

Okay. So this guy, he abducts Addison for a specific reason,

but not because she's young and pretty.

No. Because she's got something that she's hiding.

- This guy wants to expose it. - Exactly. That's what he does.

Prowls the Internet looking for victims who have dark secrets.

Then he forces them to confess

because, what, he's a vigilante with a God complex.

And now this guy's face is all over the news.

Okay. That is why he didn't take her to any of those spots, right?

I mean, he's smart. He knows we'd be up on them.

He's smart. He's also a psychopath. I'm not looking forward to seeing

what this guy does now that his back's against the wall.

Please.

I don't wanna die.

I'm not the one who's a murderer.

This link was just posted to Addison's profile page.

It's a web stream, about to go live.

- Toast. - I'm on it.

My name is Addison Wells.

As most of you know, I was kidnapped last night.

But what you don't know is the reason why.

Toast, talk to me.

He's got the feed on a five-second relay.

It's being bounced off proxy servers all over the world.

- Well, can you trace it? - I could. If I had a few hours.

Bro, we don't have a few hours. If we don't find this guy

by the end of this feed, this girl is dead.

Yeah. Enough with the pressure, man.

I haven't even smoked my morning bowl yet.

The truth is, I haven't been honest about who I am

and the mistakes that I have made.

- And now I'm going to confess. - We're running out of time.

Five years ago...

What the hell just happened?

She just got played off by Fatso the Keyboard Cat.

Somebody deliberately knocked that feed offline.

And that someone was me.

Toast, what are you doing?

I'm getting you your location the only way I know how.

Holm can't reestablish connection without exposing his location. Genius.

And what if he just decides to kill this girl? What then?

I guess I'll look pretty dumb.

This doesn't change anything.

When that light goes back on, you say exactly what I told you to.

It worked. He took the bait.

Not so fast. I still have to zero in on his location.

- How long? - Seventeen seconds, give or take.

This is my confession.

Five years ago in Plymouth, Minnesota...

...I was driving my car late at night...

...when I struck a pedestrian, killing him instantly.

In my statement, I told the police that the victim stepped into traffic

and I didn't have enough time to brake.

But that was a lie.

The truth is...

...I wasn't even looking at the road when it happened.

I was on my phone, reading a text.

Because of my own carelessness, an innocent man died.

There hasn't been a day that's gone by

that I haven't thought about it.

I'm so sorry.

Got him.

I wanted to tell his family.

I even wrote the e-mail that I was gonna send.

But you never did, did you?

Sorry.

And now the world will see you for what you really are.

A coward and a liar.

Three-two-three-six.

You're letting me go?

No.

Even if I did, there would be nothing left to go back to, would there?

But...

...I will show you some mercy.

This is Officer Kalakaua requesting H.P.D. and SWAT support.

The address is 5625 Hoala Street in Waimalu.

No!

We got blood.

You all right? Are you hurt?

I've got you. It's all over.

Watching people pass me by Anything to pass the time

We're to think we're all the same

We're completely different Ain't it strange?

Oh, I see this world surrounding me

And I hope that someday

That we can learn to love Just one more day

- Wonderful. - Yeah. Thanks.

Dang, coz.

You gotta perform a gig at the shrimp truck.

Pro bono?

At least until you win your first Grammy.

- Yeah, yeah. - Since we're on the topic of regrets,

you not pursuing your music, I'll share mine.

Years ago, I had the opportunity

to participate in Doctors Without Borders.

It was a six-month stint in Mozambique.

But I decided not to take it.

Why not?

Well, you know, dealing with living, breathing patients

isn't exactly my strong suit.

That's why I took up a career in forensic pathology.

Apparently, some people consider me awkward and off-putting.

No. That's crazy.

No way, doc. Not you.

Thank you.

And yourself? Any regrets?

Please, I'm a two-time felon.

I own four businesses now.

I got no regrets.

Actually, coz,

Business Number 4 is currently resting

at the bottom of the Pacific.

It's a small setback.

When the insurance cash kick in, heh, I'm gonna be back in action.

Thong Magnet II?

Featuring the music stylings of Shawn "Flippa" Tupuola.

Yeah.

- Yeah. All right. - Ha, ha.

Well, I think we should call it a night.

Come 6 a.m., the sun is gonna be blazing.

Good night, doc.

Good night, Flippa. Good night, Kamekona.

Good night, doc.

Good night, little coz.

Good night, big coz.

Good night, stars.

Good night, moon.

- What was that? - It's a signal.

Somebody found us. We're saved.

Actually, I believe those are fireworks.

Fireworks?

Look, Cheryl, natives.

Aloha!

Uninhabited, you said.

There's a resort on this island?

Apparently so.

And judging from where those fireworks are coming from,

I'd say it's less than 100 yards away.

Oops.

Gross!

Oh, no, not again.

Okay. How am I supposed to poop on the skateboard kids

when they're moving so fast? This... It's impossible.

You gotta fill up on the meatball sub.

Larger bowel capacity, bigger blast radius.

Oh.

Awesome. Awesome.

Hey, again, I'm sorry about this morning.

I didn't mean to cramp your style, but, you know, it was worth it, right?

Yeah. No problem.

Now we all get to go have chicken and waffles.

I just feel bad that they didn't have room

for everyone in first class.

Oh, don't worry about those guys. They're fine.

I got pooped on again.

What the hell.