Original subtitles

Mine curves to the left when it's...

Penis!

Ding!

Mine smells like death and sauerkraut... Grandmother!

Ding!

You get this when I touch your...

Headache. Ding ding ding ding

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!

: Blistering round for

The husband and wife team andi and bobby,

With 30 correct answers

In 60 seconds.

: You know, in another life,

I could've made a great game show host.

Well, you certainly have the giant head for it.

: It's that kind of anger

That scares off men.

Up next,

She's an actress,

He owns a health food restaurant.

They're newly engaged.

Welcome, jules and lowell!

It's like watching two chickens

Hypnotize each other.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Oh, we're up, sorry. We're up, okay.

: Okay, here comes the ding.

All right, my favorite food is...

Bean! Curd.

Paste.

Mush. Pass.

Okay.

All right, okay.

My middle name is...

Perfection.

Just kidding.

Um... Uh, p-pass.

Okay, pass.

Okay, I have a family history of...

Pass!

Oh, my god.

This is ridiculous.

Aren't you at all concerned

That you two are engaged

And don't know a thing about each other?

Oh, well, while some people value history,

We value mystery.

Oh, yeah.

I love him.

That's all I need to know.

Oh, that's sweet.

Where's my friend?

Oh, there she is.

Hi, I've missed you.

Jules and lowell are just so happy

And in love.

Of course they are.

They barely know each other.

Mm-hmm.

God, I'm exhausted. Yeah.

oh.

I just got a calendar alert.

It's sex Tuesday.

Already? Mm-hmm.

I didn't get a...

Oh, there it is. Mm-hmm.

Uh... Do you want to take each other's pants off?

Nah...

It's too much work.

Mmm.

Oh, no, it's the second Tuesday.

All right, I'm up.

Oh, my god, I have mommy and me tomorrow.

Okay, I'm taking the 10,

'cause the 405 is just ridiculous.

And then afterwards, I have to go to the market

'cause I'm the one who's supposed to bring the snacks,

And some kid is allergic to melon?

Who is allergic to melon?

Bobby?

How did he fall asleep?

Did you soak it in chloroform?

We're tired.

We wake up at 6:00 a.M. With charlie.

Okay, well, you gotta change things up

If you don't want him snoozing on your kitty

For the rest of your life.

Yeah, before you know it

You're gonna be scheduling sex.

Hey, sorry we're late.

Did we miss anything?

Please say it's the food.

All right, some complimentary

Algae shots for my friends.

Enjoy,

And namaste.

Namaste. Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Okay.

All: Mmm!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ugh.

Well, now I know what a frog's ass tastes like.

It's true,

The food is repugnant,

But the view...

Is unbeatable.

Kate is dating steve the waiter.

A waiter, huh?

That's not usually your type.

Well, he's also a waiter

In the bedroom.

Was everything to your satisfaction?

Very much to my satisfaction.

Hope you saved room for dessert.

I could be tempted.

Oh, my.

That's big enough for two.

Gosh, you are such a... Dude.

Thank you.

Jules...

Oh, my god.

It's jack, the guy that I used to...

Jules!

You're back from india.

Hi, jack, listen. Things have sort of...

...Changed for me.

Darling...

Why was that man just tongue-blasting you?

I'm her friend jack.

I'm her fiancé, lowell.

Ooh, drama!

Fight, fight!

Fight... No, no, no, no.

No...

No fight.

I'm sure that jules can explain.

Okay.

Jack and I used to model together,

And occasionally...

Hook up.

And I kind of forgot to tell him I was engaged.

So should I...

I am so, so sorry.

Don't worry about it, all right?

We've all got bits of baggage.

I mean, you've got... This guy,

I was engaged twice before.

So...

Oh, no. Kitchen fire.

I knew it. I. Knew. It.

Bathroom now.

Just the girls.

Jules, look, we need to know

What happened to those fiancées.

And we are certainly not gonna find out

From mr. Outback fakehouse.

You are totally cynical.

You have a pattern of rushing into relationships,

And this time, you could really get burned.

Kate, he will tell me in his own good time.

Seriously, let me handle it.

okay.

All right. I'll let you handle it.

You're not gonna let her handle it. I am not gonna

Let her handle it.

Whoa. Val texted me.

Val texted me, "hi."

She hasn't texted me in weeks.

What should I say?

Tell her you're signing your divorce papers

And get on with your life.

I want to put on a tuxedo

And sing to her.

Okay, you're spiraling out.

I made a promise to love her forever,

And I can't just turn that off.

All right, look, if you're gonna play,

At least play to win.

First thing you do is you don't respond.

I gotta respond.

No.

Because sometimes, the best response

Is no response.

See that?

"can we talk?"

Type "yes."

"yes" in all caps.

With a smiley-face emoticon so she'll know I'm fun.

I'm typing "no." no!

Don't type "no." don't type "no"!

See that? "no."

It's the most erotic word in the english language.

At least, that's what my wife tells me.

: This is incredible.

Val has texted me seven times since we've left the restaurant.

"want to meet for coffee?"

No.

"lunch next week?"

Negative.

"can we skype?"

As the french would say, non.

She's frothing at the mouth.

You were right, man. It's the power of "no."

Bobby... Does it bother you

That our lives have become completely predictable?

What are you talking about?

I know everything about you,

And you know everything about me.

Like, for instance, tonight,

We both want to have a second dinner,

Get too bloated to have sex

And then fall asleep watching tv.

Great. Nuke the burritos.

I'll get the remote.

No, bobby, I'm serious.

Think about it.

For the rest of our lives,

Until we die,

There will be no more shocking revelations,

No more intimate discoveries...

Nothing new, ever.

Wow. Yeah.

Never really thought about it that way.

Guess we should add some variety.

Yes, we should.

I have an idea.

You are not putting it there.

Just trying to throw a little pineapple on the pizza.

Okay, what happened with the other fiancées?

Oh.

Right.

Okay. Um...

Well...

Look, they were fair dinkum for a tick,

But you know the saying, "without come a guster,

You're never gonna find good oil."

Hey. I need to talk to you.

Oh, lowell.

Thought you'd be at the restaurant.

Yeah, no, I'm just heading there now.

See you, babe.

See, it's actually time

To drain the tofu.

The curd congeals, and you need a cheesecloth just to...

Steve the waiter got me the names

Of the other fiancées, and I tracked them down.

Kate! Don't worry.

I was discreet.

Hi. I'm with the u.S. Census bureau.

The u.S. Census bureau?

Why does the census bureau care about

My relationship with lowell?

You know, a lot of people

Ask questions like that.

They're called "terrorists."

I wish you hadn't done that.

But since you did, what'd they say?

He left the day of our wedding.

I was heartbroken.

He banged my little sister.

She and I still don't talk.

My deepest sympathy.

And now I should probably count you, so...

One.

Oh, my god.

I don't know anything about him.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe I rushed into this.

Aw, honey.

I get it.

The smooth abs, the beachy smell...

You were thinking with your kitty.

We all do it sometimes.

Hi. In the mood for a little company?

Why? Do I look like a hooker to you?

No, no. God, no.

Well, maybe a little, yes.

Good! That's what I was going for.

My husband and I were trying to spice things up,

You know, add a few surprises.

You know what'd really surprise him? Hmm?

If you gave me a handy for a hundred bucks.

How about I give you a nut crusher for free?

Oh.

Hey, there. Hello.

What's your name?

Dominique.

And you are?

John...

Varva-tos.

Do you mean john varvatos, like the clothing designer?

Crap. Restart.

Okay.

Hi. Hey, there.

I'm charlie.

Like our son charlie?

I'm gonna go back to varvatos, okay?

Okay.

So, uh, dominique... Mm. Mm-hmm?

...Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, you can buy more than a drink.

You know, if you're looking for a good time.

I'm always looking for a good time.

Oh. Well, you'll have to make it quick.

Quick? Mm-hmm.

It's my specialty. Oh...

Great, 'cause I have to, uh, pick up my daughter at daycare.

Whoa, whoa.

What-what?

Time-out. Why?

You're supposed to be a sexy hooker.

I am... So that I can support my blind daughter.

That's not sexy. That's the opposite of sexy.

Okay, but if I don't have a kid,

Then why would I resort to prostitution?

I don't know. Because you love sex.

Ah, mrs. Grossbard,

It looks like the...

Val, what are you doing here? I don't have time to socialize.

This isn't social. It's vaginal.

But I'm not your gynecologist.

I decided I needed a change,

And I thought you could do it

Since clearly you've moved on.

I have moved on,

So I will gladly examine your vagina.

As a doctor who has moved on.

Quick heads-up: I removed the carpeting.

I am ready for the hardwood installation.

I will put a note in your file.

bobby: Will, can I talk to you for a second?

I will be right back.

Did I hear that right? Is that val in there? Yeah.

And she wants to have sex with me.

Do you want sex in your office,

Or do you want your wife back?

I want my wife back.

Well, then make her earn it.

You walk away from this right now,

Or she will never respect you.

You realize how long it's been since...?

Do it yourself just like the rest of us.

Oh, lowell.

Hi.

Just came to pick up some...

...Takeout. Uh, steve,

Could you give us a moment, mate?

I'll go punch out... And oil up.

Thank you.

Jules hasn't spoken to me since I left for work yesterday.

What did you say to her?

Just that you're a lying, cheating douche from down under

And she's lucky she found out.

Found out? Found out what?

: Found out what? Found out what?

Talk to you ex's green card, johnny.

You investigated me?

Yeah, and I know you left your first fiancée at the altar.

What altar?! We never even got to the church.

What, uh... What do you mean?

We were 17, all right?

I was here as an exchange student.

And we were going to elope, but her parents found out.

Didn't she mention that we were just kids?

Well, I may have left as soon

As I got the damning information I needed.

Right. But you still slept

With the other fiancée's sister.

No, I didn't!

Okay, how about a little fact check?

No, please, don't do that.

Oh, it's done.

Hello?

Ms. Mcknight, jane austen from the u.S. Census bureau.

Jane austen? The novelist jane austen?

Yeah, I needed an alias,

And I could tell she wasn't a reader.

How can I help you, ms. Austen?

Could you please restate your reasons

For terminating your nuptials with lowell?

He slept with my little sister.

Aha, right.

Thank you.

He also slept with my mother and my grandmother

And my great-grandmother.

He's a time traveler.

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and hang up now.

She's unwell, okay? Ah.

She hid it at first,

But she went off her meds.

And when I found out, I tried to help her.

She just kept setting fire to ants,

Yelling, "I am your god!"

So...

My bad.

I was riding by your house and the sprinklers got me.

Now I'm all wet.

Sprinklers aren't on.

Then maybe it's just me.

Look, we were together for 12 years,

And I know we had our ups and downs,

But I care about you and I can't just stop!

the things I do for new patients.

Let's go!

So this is what giving up looks like.

I think it suits us.

Whoo!

: Oh, my god!

Why are will and val in our bed?

'cause he did not listen to my advice.

And you cannot do that on a foldout

In the guestroom.

Oh, come on. We eat there.

There's no stopping 'em now.

I once tried to do that with two dogs,

And it didn't end well.

Val: Take it off!

So brazen, so wrong.

God, I feel like we're, like, back in college.

Totally.

Will: Wow! Hang on.

Wow, now, that's a surprise.

Remember when we met back in my senior year,

We just, like, couldn't get enough of each other?

We didn't care who was around?

Yeah, I know. We just did it.

Yeah. Get those sweatpants off,

And make it quick or we'll be late for class.

Yeah, if we're late, we might get punished

Sexually by that hot female professor.

All right, I'll give you that one. Okay.

Give it to me, john "varva-tos."

I told you not to get involved.

Yeah, but not in those exact words.

No! In those exact words!

You know what?

This isn't all kate's fault.

I have to take some of the blame for this.

Oh, you can have it all. It's okay.

When you asked me,

I should have been totally honest,

But the truth is, I didn't go into details

'cause... I was embarrassed.

I chose badly... Twice.

Now, what does that say about me?

You only had to choose right once, and you did.

You chose me.

See?

You came through this crisis,

And your love is stronger for it.

Know what I'm looking forward to?

The wedding.

I'm gonna dance.

Hey...

That was amazing.

Yes, it was.

so where should we go for dinner?

Huh? Mozza?

Uh-oh.

What?

It's just-- the idea of being with you again

Was really exciting, and I thought I...

But now that we've... I'm just not.

Wait. Hold on, hold on.

You just wanted what you couldn't have,

And now that... Now that you've got it, you're done?

That makes me sound like the bad guy here.

You know what?

I've been carrying these around for weeks.

I've not been able to bring myself to sign them.

You like it when I say no?

Well, get ready to go nuts.

Because here is your divorce.

You know, maybe we should go to mozza.

Good-bye, val.

"get ready to go nuts 'cause here's your divorce"?

So badass!

We are very proud of you, will.

You guys have been in here the whole time?

Yeah! For the moaning and the squealing.

And that part where it sounded like someone was slapping

A fish against a snare drum.

Hey, quick question.

Which one of you cried during the big finish? Yeah.

Okay, what are the chances

That you won't tell anyone about the crying?

Slim to none.

Already sent a group text.

Hey.

Last night was amazing.

And I know we've had a bit

Of a dry spell lately. Mm.

I mean, besides last night,

I can't even remember the last time we...

Exactly six weeks.

That's... Wow, okay. Yeah.

Anyway, I think our little college fun

Symbolizes a new beginning.

Hmm. One full of passion, romance and sexual...

I'm pregnant.

Surprise.

Oh, my god!

I know.

Oh, my god!

I have one more surprise.

It's john varvatos's baby. Oh, boy.

Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org