Original subtitles

TED: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old,

he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas.

It was written by an anthropologist

named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,

and it told the story of the year she spent living

among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon.

When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college

to give a lecture, Marshall,

the youngest member of the audience,

raised his hand with a question.

Mmm.

What advice do you have

for a budding anthropologist?

So you want to be an anthropologist?

Yep. When I grow up, I want to go

live with the gorillas, just like you did.

What she said next changed his life.

Oh, that's wonderful,

but I'm afraid you can't.

They'll all be dead by then.

...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions

aren't enforced, the destruction

of the rainforests will continue

and over a million species will be wiped out.

So you don't want coffee?

I'm saying that the coffee industry

is causing irreversible... All right.

I'm pouring it out.

Okay, one cup.

The kid needs to be alert.

First day on the job and everything.

I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us.

"The kid" has become "the man."

Okay, it's just an internship

to make a little money.

After law school, I'm still going to work for the NRDC.

They're gonna stop global warming.

TED: Well... I mean... they did their best.

Here's your sack lunch.

(laughing)

Okay, I love you because,

one, you made me a sack lunch

and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack.

I love you, Marshmallow.

I love you too, Marshmallow.

Uh-oh.

Ted?

Oh, no. No, she didn't.

Yeah. Yeah, she did.

Another care package?

Another care package.

I'd been in a long-distance relationship

with Victoria for nearly a month.

Long-distance relationships are a bad idea.

How many is that so far?

Three. And how many

have you sent her?

In the mail or in my mind?

Zero. She's up three-zip.

Oh! Cupcakes!

Great. I bet they're delicious, too.

Yup, they're delicious.

Damn it!

I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.

God, I hate myself right now.

God, that is so me at 15.

Marshall was going to work

for a big corporation called Altrucel.

Altrucel was most well-known

for making the yellow fuzzy stuff

on the surface of tennis balls.

I mean, this was a huge company,

so they did other things...

But mostly they wanted the public

to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff.

Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship

in their legal department

because he knew someone who worked there.

(phone ringing)

Go for Barney.

Mr. Stinson, this is Willis

from lobby security.

Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports

of a sasquatch loose in the building.

A sasquatch?

That's right, sir, a Bigfoot.

We don't want to alarm you,

but he's been spotted on your floor.

Yes!

Look at you.

You suited

in an unmistakably upward direction.

Whoa. That is

a butt-load of motivational posters.

Yeah, hell, yeah.

I got 'em all: Teamwork,

Courage, Awesomeness...

There's one for awesomeness?

Yeah, I had it made.

Sit.

Hey, so, now that I'm working here,

are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?

(laughs) Please.

My dawg!

My dawg!

Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.

These guys are in legal.

You're gonna be working with them. Marshall Eriksen.

Nice to meet you.

Nice tie. Steak sauce.

Oh, steak sauce! For true, though.

Where, I don't, I don't see...

Marshall? Sidebar.

Your tie is steak sauce.

It means A-1. A-1? Get it?

Try to keep up.

Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work.

It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.

Ding-dong! What? The doorbell?

Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat

and nothing else.

But wait... knock, knock.

Somebody's at the back door?

I don't have a back door.

Oh, my gosh,

Jessica Simpson?

What a surprise.

Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one.

What do you do? Go.

Right. Well, uh...

I'm engaged, so...

Fiancee's out of town.

What do you do? Go.

We're still engaged, even if she's...

Okay, fiancee's dead.

Hit by a bus. What do you do?

Go.

Mmm. Mmm.

Sure you don't want one?

How many of those have you eaten?

Four. Teen.

No, just four.

And the icing from two more.

Mmm. So,

anyway, here's the problem.

Hey, it's Ted.

Um, I guess you're asleep.

Anyway, I got the care package,

and it's just great.

Here, listen...

Mmm. Mmm!

So I'm standing there,

my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake...

Mm-hmm.

And... I said something dumb.

Oh, and, um... don't worry: yours is in the mail.

I sent it a couple days ago.

And it's awesome.

Really, really awesome.

Why did I say that?

I think frosting makes me lie.

Oh, Teddy boy.

Yeah. So now, whatever I send her,

she'll know I sent it after I talked to her.

So that's the problem.

You work on that.

I'm gonna eat this cupcake.

All right, here's what you do:

Put together a care package of stuff from New York...

some H&H bagels, an Empire State Building keychain...

and then, top off the package with a New York Times...

Ready? From three days ago.

That's brilliant.

You're brilliant.

You know,

it's funny, not so long ago,

I was coming to Marshall and Lily

for advice on how to impress you.

That is funny.

And here's why it was funny.

Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,

here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me.

Okay, fine, I have feelings for him.

Now it's ironic, the girl

I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like.

The irony is clear, Ted.

Hey! How was your first day?

I don't wanna talk about it.

The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.

What?

They're jerks!

What makes them jerks?

Forget it, I don't want to talk about it.

Well, like today at lunch...

What do you got there, Ericksen?

Mommy pack your lunch?

(laughing)

For your information, my fiancee did.

Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too?

No.

What's that?

Nothing.

Give it. "Dear Marshmallow.

"Good luck today.

"I wuv you.

Lilypad."

Give it.

P.S. If you've unfolded this note,

"your kiss already got out.

Quick... catch it."

Give it back. Hey, give it.

Gimme... Give it!

Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable.

I know. God.

It's like freshman year all over again.

Only this time, my sweet dance moves

aren't going to be enough to win them over.

Not even Old Reliable.

Sweetie...

It would be cool to have some extra money,

but, but, if you're unhappy,

it's not worth it.

I quit.

What? No.

We're having so much fun.

You, me, working together. It's great.

We're not even working together, Barney.

I'm in the legal department and you're...

Seriously, what is it that you do?

Please.

I'm sorry, dude,

this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me.

Oh, of course it's not for you.

It's for Lily.

What?

Marshall. Lily's a catch.

But do you really think

you're going to hang onto a girl that great

without the package?

The package?

The package. The house. The car.

Sending your kids to a great school.

A vacation once in a while.

Lily doesn't care about that stuff.

Well, no... now she doesn't,

but how's she going to feel in a couple years,

when she's supporting you

on a kindergarten teacher's salary

while you're off in court defending some...

endangered...

South American...

flying beaver.

She'll be happy.

Okay.

But will you be happy

knowing you could have made her a lot happier.

And all four

are totally naked. You gotta choose one.

What do you do? Go.

I guess, uh...

Bea Arthur.

Ahh! Wrong!

Betty White.

Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.

So did she get the awesome care package yet?

Yep. Yesterday.

Did she love it?

Ooh, she loved it.

So what's the problem?

So I was talking to her last night.

and, I should tell you, we've been

talking on the phone every other night

for, like, an hour and a half.

Eventually you just run out of stuff to say.

What did you have for lunch today?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Rye bread. Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm...

(snoring)

Oh, Teddy boy.

I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,

but this never-seeing- each-other thing, it's a bitch.

Maybe it just can't be done.

I think it's clear what I have to do.

It's pretty clear.

I have to go to Germany and surprise her.

Totally what I was thinking.

Get out of my head, man!

Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone?

(sighs)

Marshall, consider the penguins.

The penguins?

On the wall.

"Conformity. It's the one who's different

that gets left out in the cold."

This is a motivational poster?

Look at yourself, Marshall.

You're not happy.

And you know why?

Because you're different.

Now, I suppose

you could learn to love yourself

for the unique little snowflake that you are,

or...

you could change your entire personality,

which is just so much easier.

Change your personality?

That is so awful,

and not at all motivational.

Not necessarily.

Okay, at first, I was appalled,

but then I realized

it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez

in Life Among the Gorillas.

I have to gain the acceptance of the herd

by behaving exactly like one of them.

It's an anthropological study.

Isn't that cool?

It sounds kinda like peer pressure.

No, no, no.

It's totally anthropological

and it's cool and I'm doing it.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.

We have an assembly every year.

I'm portraying someone

who succumbs to peer pressure.

All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke,

what do you say?

Only when I'm drunk.

Good boy.

And so, to fit in with the gorillas,

Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla,

and that meant gorilla lessons.

Okay,

I'm psyched about this.

But if I'm going to mentor you,

I need to know you're psyched about this, too.

Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched.

Yeah, but it's one thing to say it,

it's another thing to show it.

Show it.

I'm psyched!

What was that?

Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude

rock my body like a seizure.

That was like a declawed

pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly

on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Wow, that was really specific.

Show me you're psyched!

Let's do this!

Ow! That hurt!

So badly. (groans)

And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake

and he'll get it done.

Right. Get what done?

Whatever.

Cool.

And what guy is this?

There's always a guy.

Barney, I, uh,

I think I'm ready.

You sure? You want to practice your story one more time?

All right.

So dude, check it.

I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa,

and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs."

So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!"

So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport...

...and that is when the bouncer kicked us out.

Now, I have no idea

if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes,

fake diamond ring?

Worth every penny, bruh.

Eriksen...

...that was steak sauce!

Yeah. Yeah.

Great story.

The next morning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany

when I got an e-mail.

Uh-oh.

"Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night.

"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?

"Listen, I've been thinking

"and I really need to talk to you tonight.

I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."

So?

So she's going to dump me.

Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking,"

and then follow it up with something good?

It's not like: Listen,

I've been thinking,

Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie.

What else can it be?

What could she possibly have to say to me

that she couldn't write in an e-mail?

I cut off all my fingers?

(chuckles)

Ted, you're a great guy.

I know it,

you know it, she knows it.

I would bet you a gazillion dollars...

no, I'm even more confident.

I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars

that she's not calling to break up with you.

Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.

So I should still buy that plane ticket, right?

I'd wait.

'Sup, Blauman?

E-bomb here.

We still on for karaoke?

Dope. I'm going to rock you

on the mike so hard

your ears are going to bleed gravy.

Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.

Okay...

...what do you think?

Steak sauce.

Steak sauce?

Yeah.

Look, you know,

whatever anthropology you do at work is your business,

but please don't act like that around here.

Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-...

No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline

came home from the gorillas,

she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair

and-and throwing feces.

I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office.

Why?

Because you're acting like one of those guys,

and those guys are lame.

Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes,

but they're actually good guys,

and if you got to know them, then you would see that.

Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see

how totally not that lame they are, okay?

Okay.

But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there?

Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair.

What do you do? Go.

Dude, Scarlett Johannson with no arms, any day of the week.

Yeah.

(sarcastically): You're right. They're delightful.

So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?

Nah. I'm so over karaoke.

Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I'm good. The best, really.

But it's the greatest samurai

who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.

Oh, baby, they have our song.

Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."

What?

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart."

Elton John, Kiki Dee.

No way.

You got to go with some Black Sabbath.

Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine.

"Iron Man."

I could do "Iron Man."

Steak sauce.

Steak sauce, dude.

Should we tell him?

All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news.

On Monday,

Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR.

When you graduate, we want you working with us.

What do you say?

Yes!

That's my man! I told you he would.

Aw, we're gonna own the office.

Steak sauce.

Okay, that was gross.

When were you going to tell me

you changed your entire career path?

Nothing has changed, okay?

I still want to help the environment.

I just thought that maybe

I could make some money for a few years.

We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools.

You could quit your job and focus on your painting.

I know that you say you don't need it,

but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway.

I want to give you the package.

The package?!

You've already given me the package.

You've got a great package, Marshall.

I love your package.

Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know,

and you deserve a big package.

Your package has always been big enough.

You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,

but you've got a huge package.

Yeah.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Why hasn't she called yet?

Okay, you're making yourself crazy.

It's Saturday night.

Go out and do something.

No, what's the point of going out?

I got a girlfriend... for now.

Besides, if I go out,

who's going to watch the news?

I'm, like, half your viewership.

I'm flattered you think we have two viewers.

She's not going to break up with you, Ted.

You're awesome.

Thanks.

Anyway, it's almost 11:00.

I should let you go.

Break a leg.

And so as I sat at home waiting for the phone to ring,

something occurred to me.

I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.

* He's giving you the blues *

* You want to graduate, but not in his bed *

* Here's what you got to do *

* Pick up the phone... *

Marshall.

Hey, hey.

Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month.

Yeah. Yeah. How you doing?

I think Victoria's about to break up with me.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble

remembering what she looks like.

(chuckles)

The more I try to picture her, the more I can't.

Like, I remember how she makes me feel.

I just... I don't completely remember her.

It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone.

Preserving something that's already gone.

Sounds like environmental law.

I don't know.

We struggle so hard to hold onto these things

that we know are going to disappear eventually.

And that's really noble,

but even if you save every rain forest

from being turned into a parking lot,

well, then where are you going to park your car?

AUDIENCE: * Done dirt cheap! *

* Dirty deeds *

* Done dirt cheap! *

* Dirty deeds *

* Done dirt cheap! *

* Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap, ow *

* Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap... *

(music stops)

Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...?

Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad.

("Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" intro playing)

* Don't go breakin' my heart *

* I couldn't if I tried *

* Honey, if I get restless *

* Baby, you're not that kind... *

It turns out some things are worth preserving.

But here's the real question:

It's 2:00 a.m.

Your friends are still out singing karaoke,

but you're home early because you're expecting a call

from your girlfriend in Germany,

who was supposed to call four hours ago.

And then the phone rings.

Hello.

Hi, Ted. It's Robin.

Um, listen, I know it's late,

but, uh, do you want to come over?

What do you do?

Go.