Original subtitles

When you're single, and your friends start to get married,

every wedding invitation

presents a strange moment of self-evaluation:

"Will you be bringing a guest

or will you be attending alone?"

What it's really asking is,

"Where do you see yourself in three months?

"Sitting next to your girlfriend

or hitting on a bridesmaid?"

I always checked that I was bringing a guest.

I was an optimist.

Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding?

Ted, have you ignored all my teachings?

For the most part, yeah.

No, you don't bring a date to a wedding.

That's like bringing a deer carcass

on a hunting trip.

Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted. No... no date.

Deer carcass? Really?

That's the metaphor you're going with here?

Ted, it's a simile.

Well, it's too late now.

If I don't bring a date,

a $200 piece of chicken/salmon will go uneaten.

I got to bring someone, but who?

Of course, I knew who I wanted to bring.

Robin... the big unanswered question in my life.

Problem was, she was dating

this really rich guy named Derek.

(scoffs)

Derek.

Well, Derek and I just broke up.

LILY: Oh, no, that's terrible!

MARSHALL: Oh... Are you okay?

Yeah, do you need a drink or something? Nah...

We never really clicked.

I felt bad, though. He was pretty bummed.

Aw, don't beat yourself up.

He'll be fine.

I mean, the guy's, like, a billionaire.

He can put his platinum card

on a fishing line

and reel in ten chicks hotter than you.

Thanks. I feel a lot better.

I think I'll get that drink now.

Okay, guys,

I got to say something.

I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing.

(laughing)

Oh, please...

they were buried in a shallow grave.

MARSHALL: Not again.

Come on. Dude?

We all know how this movie ends.

Ted falls in love,

love kicks Ted in the sprouts,

roll credits.

No, you guys just have to look at the whole picture.

Fact:

Robin was into me when we first met.

Fact:

Even though she didn't want a relationship,

we had an amazing kiss on the roof.

Fact:

On New Year's Eve, we kissed again.

Fact:

I need a date to this wedding.

Wish me luck.

What I don't get is why is Claudia marrying Stuart?

She's way hotter than him.

How way?

Way way.

This wedding does sound pretty amazing, though.

Fancy hotel ballroom, everybody all dressed up...

Oh, here we go.

What? We can't get

anywhere with our wedding plans

because I want it to be fun

and Marshall wants it to be lame.

Oh, yeah. Okay, that's a pretty fair assessment

of our two arguments. I thought so.

MARSHALL: You know what?

Excuse me if I don't want to get married

barefoot in the woods next to

Lake No-One's-Going- To-Drive-That-Far.

Yes.

I want a ballroom,

and I want a band, and I want shoes.

I've been dreaming about this day

since I was, like...

A little girl?

(Barney laughs)

What up!

Okay. I'm just saying that

it's my wedding, too, and I should have a say in it.

Yes, but I'm the bride, so I win.

Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners

sharing a life together.

Right, but I'm the bride, so I win.

I mean, seriously... Claudia and Stuart?

I mean, I've hooked up

with the odd lass who was beneath

my level of attractiveness,

but, you know, I was drunk.

There's no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.

TED: You know,

I've always found that the best way

to get over a failed relationship

is to celebrate someone else's successful one.

Oh, it makes sense.

So, with that in mind, uh,

our friends Claudia and Stuart

are having this crazy black-tie wedding on Saturday.

You want to be my plus one?

Ooh... "Plus one."

You make it sound so romantic.

Fine.

You want to be my date?

Your date?

I'd love to.

How fancy are we talking about here?

Oh, you're going to want to bring your "A" game.

Oh, I'll bring it.

I'll bring it so hard,

the bride's going to look like

a big white bag of crap.

Lily?

I need a dress. (gasps)

You're going? That's awesome!

Oh, my God. Four days to find a dress?

I know. It's a suicide mission.

Well, if we leave now...

we can still have a fighting chance.

ROBIN: Let's do it!

Bye, babe.

Whoa!

Did you see how fired up she was?

I don't know,

there's something there.

And, come Saturday, a little music,

a little dancing, a lot of champagne...

Who knows?

Wow. Ted, you're going to have to find

another gender for yourself,

'cause I'm revoking your "dude" membership.

Yeah... how was that manicure yesterday?

Invigorating, thanks.

Okay, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys,

but back then I really thought that's how it worked.

* *

You put yourself and a girl you like

in some romantic setting...

* *

...the stars line up...

and shazam.

I know now that life is never that simple.

Hey, Claudia! Huh...

Yes, I want Tahitian Vanilla!

You wrote it down wrong?

No, no, no, no, listen to me...

if I go to my wedding

and the cake is not Tahitian Vanilla,

I will come down there

and burn your little shop to the ground!

Do you want to find out if I'm kidding?

Yeah, good-bye.

Hey!

How's it going?

My wedding is in two days... that's how it's going.

Oh, don't worry. It's going to be great. I'm so excited.

Well, you should be... lots of single girls.

Oh, well, yeah, I'm... bringing a date,

so I'll be off the market.

What?

I'm bringing a date.

You're not bringing a date.

Uh... yes, I am.

Uh, no, you're not.

I checked "plus one." No, you didn't.

Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...

Ted, you did not check "plus one"!

You are not bringing a date to my wedding!

But I already invited someone.

You are not bringing a guest, Ted!

The guest list has been closed for months... months!

But I checked "plus one"!

I always check "plus one"!

You absolutely did not check "plus one"! If you had checked

"plus one," I would have called you to get the name of your guest,

so I could have the place cards printed up. Did I call you to get the name of your guest?

Is there a place card with her name printed on it?

She doesn't need a place card. She knows her name.

What's she eating?! Huh?! You ordered the chicken. What did she order?

Do you see how your story is full of holes?

Come on, Claudia. We go way back.

Isn't there room for just one more person?

Don't make me hurt you, Ted.

I don't believe this!

Claudia's crazy!

But, to be fair, she's also hot.

I totally checked "plus one." I'm sure I did.

Yeah, right.

I did!

Yeah, I don't think you did.

You know why?

Because, deep down, you didn't want

to show up at this thing with a date.

See, for all your big talk

about being ready

for a relationship,

deep down, you're single.

It's your default setting.

Ted, you know what's in the back of your brain?

Oh, great. Here comes the little Barney speech.

Behind a curtain, in a dark little room

secretly controlling your every move?

MARSHALL AND TED: A little Barney...

A little Barney.

And you know what he said?

(with funny voice): "Ted...

"you will bring no dates to this wedding.

"You...

"will hit on drunk bridesmaids

with actual-size Barney."

(laughing) Wow. Please stop.

I got to call Claudia. If I just explain to her...

Ted, no! Let it go.

She's about to get married.

She's got enough to worry about.

Then what am I going to do?

The only thing you can do...

tell Robin she can't come.

(exasperated sigh)

LILY: Just a second!

(dogs barking inside)

Hey! Hey. Listen...

Wait. Two things.

First of all...

I have been laying groundwork all afternoon.

Totally subtle, totally cool,

not pushing, not even nudging, just:

the theme of today is, "Ted rocks."

And she's picking up what I'm laying down.

Lily, there's a problem... Wait, no.

Thing number two: the dress.

We got a dress.

Go.

ROBIN: Well?

Did I bring it, or...

did I bring it?

I think I brought it.

Wow.

That's what I was going for.

I'm so excited about tomorrow. We're going to have so much fun.

Yeah, about that...

I'll pick you up at 5:00.

So? The dress?

I don't have a plus one for the wedding. What?

I ran into Claudia, and she told me

I didn't check "plus one" on the reply card.

Why didn't you check "plus..."?

I did check "plus one."

But Robin is so excited.

I know.

And the dress!

I know. Uh...

Okay, okay.

Well, we'll sneak her in.

We can't sneak her in. We're not ninjas.

Oh, I wish we were ninjas.

I know.

You could always ask Stuart.

Can I do that?

Well, sure.

You guys have been friends for a long time.

And it's 40% his wedding, too.

I don't know.

It's going to be a tough sell.

Dude, no problem whatsoever.

Really?

Sure. The more the merrier.

Wow! Wow, thanks for being so cool about this, 'cause

you know, Claudia said... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This morning at the rehearsal, Claudia called

our seven-year-old flower girl a whore.

So, don't take it personally.

She's just a little stressed.

Yeah, she's not usually like that.

No.

Well, thanks, Stu!

It's going to be a great wedding.

Honey, this magazine says more and more couples

are opting to have nontraditional weddings

out in the woods.

Well, if a magazine says so,

we should go get married in the woods,

like a couple of squirrels.

Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.

Like you could possibly know that.

I did it.

I did it. I'm taking her to the wedding.

Nice! What? How?

I talked to Stuart.

(groans)

You went around the bride.

"Oh, this hornets' nest looks harmless.

Maybe I'll poke it with a stick."

"Oh, look, some Gremlins.

Let me go feed them after midnight!"

Did you know about this?

It may have been my idea.

(sighs)

What?

Stuart doesn't get a say?

Ah! So you admit it...

the groom should have an equal say.

Well, yeah, sure, on the stupid stuff, like who comes.

So I can invite whoever I want?

Sure. There's plenty of room in the woods.

(cell phone ringing)

It's Claudia.

Uh!

So it begins.

Come on, it can't be that bad.

(ringing continues)

Here, Lily,

you answer it.

What? Why?

Because this whole thing was your idea.

And... Claudia scares me. But... but you're the...

But I just want to...

Oh! (groans)

Ted's phone.

Oh, hi, Claudia.

What?

Now, I wasn't there, but from what I heard,

it went something like this...

Oh, by the way, honey, Ted stopped by

and I told him he could bring his date to the wedding.

You what?

(argument in fast forward)

...always undermining me at every turn...

(argument in fast forward)

...try to show a little flexibility, but no!

It's all about you!

(argument in fast forward)

...and your mother...

(argument in fast forward)

You know what?

The wedding's off!

(door slams)

They broke up!

Ow!

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

It's not because of me, is it?

Uh-huh.

And my dad already paid for this huge wedding!

Oh, he's going to kill me!

And then he's gonna kill Ted!

Then I'm gonna kill Ted. (phone ringing)

It's Robin.

Answer it!

Uh, Lily's phone.

Ted, where's Lily? I need to tell her

about these awesome shoes I just bought.

Uh, Lily's busy.

Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to say

they're gorgeous, and Ted's going to love them.

That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me.

Uh, listen, I really want to keep talking,

um, but now's not a good time,

so I'm really excited about tomorrow. Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

Crap! She bought some expensive shoes.

She's really looking forward to this.

Do you think she's into me? Ted, focus!

Okay, okay, sweetie, just calm down.

Do you want to go somewhere and talk?

I want to go somewhere and drink!

Okay, meet me at MacLaren's.

I'll see you there.

Oh, I feel terrible. Well, feel terrible later.

Right now, we gotta fix this.

Lily, you go down to the bar and comfort Claudia.

Ted and I will go and try to talk some sense into Stuart.

Right. Um, tell Claudia I'm sorry.

Did she seem pissed at me?

She said, if there's no wedding tomorrow,

you owe her father $400,000.

What say we get these crazy kids

back together?

Hi, sad eyes.

What's got you down?

(weepy): Stuart and I just broke up.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

That's just... that's...

Two vodka cranberries, please.

You remembered I drink vodka cranberries.

Remember?

When it comes to you, how can I forget?

They all drink vodka cranberries.

So... is there anything else you need... sweetie?

You got $400,000?

(chuckling): No.

But I do have a hug.

(softly): Thank you.

Stuart, I-I don't know what to say.

If I caused this in any way... Ted, for all I know, you did me

the biggest favor anyone's ever done me.

Oh, come on, man, you don't mean that.

No, I do. This whole thing has made me

realize I miss being single.

I miss staying out late,

and making messes and not cleaning them up.

I miss owning porn.

Dude, who doesn't?

And, you know, I'll see

some super-hot model chick, and I'll think,

"Why am I with Claudia?

I could be with her."

(laughing): That's just crazy!

I mean...

you're the luckiest...

You and Claudia both...

The point is, I want to get married.

I want to settle down, but right now,

that's just not who I am.

I'm not a commitment guy. I'm a single guy.

Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other.

Everybody feels this way sometimes.

Relationships aren't easy. They're hard work.

It's about compromise, growing together,

all that Dr. Phil crap.

How would you know? You're not even married.

Okay, ask this guy.

Nine years he's been with Lily.

He's the pro. This guy knows relationships.

Tell him, Marshall.

Stuart, don't get married.

Dude... What?

Look, I'm sorry.

Being in a couple is hard.

And committing, making sacrifices... it's hard.

But, if it's the right person, then it's easy.

Looking at that girl and knowing she's all

you really want out of life... that should be

the easiest thing in the world.

And, if it's not like that, then she's not the one.

I'm sorry.

You know I don't have $400,000, right?

Maybe we got together too young.

Maybe that's what the problem was.

I mean, I'm 28 years old,

and I've really only ever been with one man.

(whimpers)

That's just, that's...

Two more vodka cranberries, please!

Claudia... it's all gonna be okay.

Oh, thanks for listening, Barney.

(chuckles)

It really means a lot to me.

Isn't it weird that we should...

run into each other like this?

Two souls, of equal levels of attractiveness,

both fitting together like two pieces

of a very attractive puzzle.

Oh, hell, no!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Claudia is getting married tomorrow!

And, so help me God,

if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her,

I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles,

and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out,

and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!

Wait, my eyes or my testicles?

One of each.

All right! All right!

Claudia?

Stuart.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, too.

I love you.

I love you too, babe.

Marshall and Ted set me straight.

And, when Marshall told me not to marry you,

it made me realize I...

Marshall said what?!

It's more complicated than that!

He made me realize how much I love you.

These guys got us back together.

Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool.

So where did we land on the whole plus one thing?

No, no, no, no!

TED: It took three more vodka cranberries to subdue Claudia

but, eventually, she graciously agreed

to let me bring Robin.

Still wow.

Wow yourself.

Look who else brought it.

Oh, yeah.

I thought about leaving it at home,

but I figured I don't want to get there and realize

I need it and have to go all the way back to get it.

So, yeah, I brought it.

(phone rings)

Oh, sorry.

Hello.

Oh, my God. Tonight?

You're kidding.

They want me to anchor the news tonight.

Really?

Like anchor anchor?

(sighs)

What happened to Sandy?

Okay.

Okay. Sure.

What time do you need me to... right now?!

Oh.

Do it.

Do it.

Okay, I need, like, five minutes to change,

and, um, I'll call you from the cab...

* I've seen a million faces *

* But still, my heart embraces... *

So admit it.

This wedding is both indoors and amazing.

I'll give you the crab puffs.

The crab puffs are good.

The crab puffs were incredible.

We should totally have them at our wedding.

Definitely. Hey.

We just agreed on something.

Did we just start planning our wedding?

I think that we did.

We totally have to get that brown dipping sauce.

Ooh, I thought the red sauce was, like, awesome.

My God! Were you born without taste buds?

(chuckles)

(chuckles) What?

I love you.

* No, nobody *

* Like you... *

Coming up, are there snakes living in your walls?

The answer may surprise you... after the break.

* *

(chuckling)

Man, you know something?

Stuart's my new hero.

If that dude can bag a nine,

I got to be able to bag, like, a 16.

What's a 16?

Those two eights right over there.

Yeah.

Hi, Ted.

Claudia.

We just wanted to get a picture with the woman

who almost ended our relationship.

Yeah, where is she?

Um... she couldn't make it.

(laughing)

What's so funny?

Oh, plan a wedding.

You'll see.

Look at that.

That's how it's supposed to be.

That right there.

Easy, simple.

It's just not like that with Robin.

It's not easy and, on some level,

it has to just be easy.

Speaking of easy... bridesmaids, Ted.

Bridesmaids.

CLAUDIA: By the way,

I almost forgot.

We found this.

* *

I didn't check "plus one."

You were right.

Of course I was right.

I'm single.

Maybe that's just who I am.

And you know what?

I like being single.

Being single's the best.

Yeah. Stay out as late as you want.

Answer to no one.

The whole world full of endless possibilities.

Never having to go to a farmer's market.

Okay.

Ah... doing some math here.

Table six has got three bridesmaids:

an eight, an eight, and a seven.

I am willing to give you one of the eights,

lowering myself to a 15,

which means you owe me...

So there we were, two single guys

doing our usual single-guy thing.

For whatever reason, I had let myself believe

that this night would be a turning point,

that this was the night my life...

my real life... would finally begin.

The funny thing is... I wasn't totally wrong.

* Ba-da, ba-da-ba-ba, ba-da, ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... *

Because that night was just beginning.