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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,291 (LIGHTER CLICKS) 2 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,259 (WINDING MUSIC BOX) 3 00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,863 ("ALL OUT OF LOVE" PLAYING) 4 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,385 (SNIFFING) 5 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,103 (BOTTLES CLATTERING) 6 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,061 DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine. 7 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:19,773 First, he rides my coattails with the R rating. 8 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:23,940 Then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. 9 00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:26,071 What a dick. 10 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,361 Well, guess what, Wolvie? 11 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,738 I'm dying in this one, too. 12 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,282 ("X GON' GIVE IT TO YA" PLAYING) 13 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,748 DEADPOOL: To understand why I took a cat-nap 14 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,917 on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel... 15 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,289 I need to take you back 16 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,713 to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago. 17 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,081 I'd gone international, 18 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,132 taking out mass murderers, gangsters, 19 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,585 unspeakable monsters. 20 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,678 People nobody would touch. Except me. 21 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,844 I'm gonna touch them all over. 22 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,516 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 23 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,428 DEADPOOL: Hey, it's Gail calling. 24 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,604 Love the shiny suit. 25 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,681 Really brings out 26 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,311 the sex trafficker in your eyes. (SPEAKING CANTONESE) 27 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,564 Whatever they're paying, I'll double it. 28 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,775 (IN ENGLISH) I don't speak Cantonese, Mister... 29 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,824 Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that. 30 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,527 But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so... (SPEAKING SPANISH) 31 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,700 Where is the library? 32 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,823 Which literally translates to... 33 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,243 I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker. 34 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,749 (CELL PHONE CLATTERS) 35 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,461 (WOMAN SCREAMING) 36 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,047 (GUNS COCKING) 37 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:34,139 Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's. 38 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,431 I am so sorry. 39 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,100 I thought this was an anal-bleaching party. 40 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,176 (GUNS FIRING) 41 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,307 (GRUNTING) 42 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,808 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 43 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,063 (GASPS) 44 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:47,395 (SHUSHING) 45 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,988 (MEN LAUGHING) 46 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,166 Don't worry. You're not going to die. 47 00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,664 Although these will kill you. 48 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,745 Hit it, Dolly. 49 00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,538 ("9 TO 5" PLAYING) 50 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,256 (BOTH GRUNTING) 51 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,422 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 52 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,642 I'm merely a vessel for the Lord. 53 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,195 (MEN GROANING) 54 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:40,497 Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals! 55 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,545 Whoo! Do not go in there! 56 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,349 Let's see Captain America do that. 57 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,018 (MEN CHEERING) 58 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,397 (CROWD CHEERING) 59 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,810 Too exotic? 60 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:31,794 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 61 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,508 I don't bargain. 62 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,131 (ALL GRUNTING) 63 00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:34,899 Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out! 64 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:38,482 Cut. I've got bad guy blood, right in my open eye. 65 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,317 Oh, that's so gross. 66 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:41,610 (GROANING) 67 00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,740 Fuck. 68 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,747 Looks like you left a little landing strip there. 69 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,869 I like it. 70 00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,622 Oh, man! 71 00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,882 DEADPOOL: My world tour brought me home 72 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,305 to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov. 73 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:03,932 But we'll get to him in a moment. 74 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,350 'Cause I know what you're thinking. 75 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,224 "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." 76 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,555 But that's where you'd be wrong. 77 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,687 That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now... 78 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:17,062 and, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. 79 00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,192 True story. 80 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,151 And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. 81 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:25,282 Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. 82 00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:28,616 (CHUCKLING) Holy shit pickles! That guy's on fire. 83 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:31,577 That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. 84 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:35,005 Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right? 85 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,172 But this guy? 86 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,341 He was one of the worst of 'em. 87 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,504 Hurry up and open this fucking door, 88 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,679 and let's kill this motherfucker! 89 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:44,802 - (ALARM RINGING) - (GUNSHOT) 90 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,049 (BODY THUDS) 91 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,431 Ugh. So gross. 92 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,267 A panic room? Really? 93 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,940 - Can you come out? - (WATCH BEEPING) 94 00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:01,114 I really have to go. It's my anniversary. 95 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,493 (GUNS COCKING) 96 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,325 MAN: (ON RADIO) Over and over, I hear people say, 97 00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:09,873 "I just don't have enough confidence." 98 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,121 Listen, confidence is not something you have. 99 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,452 It's something you create. (LAUGHS) 100 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,537 And you can create it at any moment in time. 101 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,335 A sense of confidence is nothing 102 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,711 but a sense of power within yourself... 103 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,667 a sense of certainty that you can pull something off. 104 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,798 DEADPOOL: Start the fucking car! 105 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:23,969 Dopinder! 106 00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:25,592 Start the fucking car! 107 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,173 (SCREAMS) 108 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,604 MAN: Shoot that motherfucker! Shoot him! 109 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,306 - Whoo! - Oh, I shit my pants. 110 00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,733 Actually, that may have been me. 111 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,025 Oh, mission accomplished? 112 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,195 Oh, in a George W. sort of way. 113 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,943 Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever. 114 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,444 DOPINDER: Oh, you're living the dreams, DP. 115 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,651 It has been quite the run, Dopinder, 116 00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:46,951 and who'da thought? 117 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,075 Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus. 118 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,414 Passion of the Christ, then me. 119 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,706 At least domestically. 120 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:53,954 We beat them overseas, 121 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,002 where there's no such thing as religion. 122 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,250 I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy. 123 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,627 Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. 124 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,501 - I want to fill my... - Pockets? 125 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,758 What's your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey? 126 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,134 Can't maintain an erection 127 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,635 without buying shoes online? - (HORN HONKS) 128 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,721 I've never experienced that last one. 129 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,017 Talk to me, Goose. 130 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,892 I was going to say "soul". I want to fill my soul. 131 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,941 I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir. 132 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,601 - Dopinder... - Hmm? 133 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,944 You never cease to surprise me. 134 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,070 You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. 135 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,776 We all need a sense of belonging. 136 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,611 We all need a genuine sense of home. 137 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,786 A place in this world. 138 00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,159 I want to become a contract killer. 139 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,740 I'm sorry. What did you say? 140 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,038 Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu 141 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,414 and threatened him with great violence? 142 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,837 You kind of killed him. 143 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,664 And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? 144 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:41,873 Don't want to. 145 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,003 When Tom Cruise fed 146 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,881 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood 147 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,131 for the first time... 148 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,589 and she looked up at his smooth, 149 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,890 handsome face and said... 150 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,426 "I want some more." 151 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:57,140 Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst. 152 00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,183 I'll never not picture that. 153 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,686 But I can't wait to never speak of this, 154 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,146 as soon as possible. 155 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,357 We're here. (BRAKES SCREECHING) 156 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,450 (GROANS) 157 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,082 Dopinder, it's me again. 158 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,830 Look, a saner man might discourage you 159 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,752 from joining the deadly merc business... 160 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,250 what, with your concave chest 161 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,956 and your paper towel tube arms. 162 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,712 But you're an eagle... 163 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,759 and goddamn it, an eagle's gotta soar. 164 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,178 You gotta grab those dreams, 165 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,846 grab those dreams by the dick tip... 166 00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:31,423 and make it rain! 167 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,383 I don't know what that means. 168 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,434 Me neither. (BOTH LAUGH) 169 00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,478 I'm gonna see you... 170 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,726 (EXCLAIMS) 171 00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,148 at the office. 172 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:41,815 In the sky. 173 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:42,938 You're my Tom Cruise! 174 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,644 DEADPOOL: And you're my Kristen Dunst! 175 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:45,979 Kristen? Kirsten? 176 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,827 Sorry I'm late. 177 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,449 There was a bunch of 178 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,577 handicapable children stuck in a tree... 179 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,908 and I had to, uh... - Uh-uh. 180 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,918 You're right. I was fighting a caped badass. 181 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,247 But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too. 182 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,339 - No. - You got me. 183 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,500 I was rounding up all the gluten in the world 184 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:08,756 and launching it into space... 185 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,837 where it can't not hurt us ever again. 186 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,176 Try again. 187 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,177 Diarrhea? 188 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,967 We can't be sure until I get this suit off... 189 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,019 but, uh, all signs point to yes. 190 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:21,931 Traffic? 191 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:23,604 Hmm? 192 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,402 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 193 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:27,478 Well, come here. 194 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,237 ("TAKE ON ME" PLAYING) 195 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,118 (VANESSA MOANS) 196 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,951 I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit. 197 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,827 Don't you want your surprise? 198 00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,754 Do I look like a patient burn victim? 199 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,790 I got one for you, too. 200 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,293 Happy anniversary, baby. 201 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:51,052 Open, open, open. 202 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,389 Skee-Ball token. 203 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,182 Our first date. 204 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,509 Yup. 205 00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,558 That's genuine, high-grade lead. 206 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,354 I'll keep it forever. (CHUCKLES) 207 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,230 Thank you, baby. 208 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,571 - Open yours. - All right, all right. 209 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,782 Oh... 210 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,993 That's just the most beautiful thing that I've... 211 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,412 I don't know what this is. 212 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:18,989 My IUD. 213 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,365 A bomb? 214 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:23,247 No, dick for brains. My birth control device. 215 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,790 What, you mean that your... 216 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,587 Baby factory's open for business. 217 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:27,755 Oh, my God! (BOX CLATTERS) 218 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:31,217 - (VANESSA LAUGHS) - Oh, my God! I want a boy! 219 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,136 Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other! 220 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,219 Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name. 221 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,348 Like Cher or Todd. 222 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,846 You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy. 223 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:43,930 Yes, I do. 224 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,765 Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss. 225 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:46,849 Let's do that. 226 00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,527 (SINGING) Papa... 227 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,401 Can you hear me? 228 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:56,200 Papa, can you see me? 229 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,779 Does this song sound familiar to you? 230 00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,540 May. 231 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,004 Connor, if it's a boy. May, if it's a girl. 232 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,581 (CHUCKLES) 233 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,042 So weird. (LAUGHS) 234 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,548 Family was always an F-word to me. 235 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:19,265 My pile of shit father took off and bailed. 236 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,644 I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models 237 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,437 to draw off of for Todd. 238 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:28,224 Hey. Look at me. 239 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,565 You are not your father. 240 00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,693 Besides... 241 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:39,494 I will never, ever let our child be named Todd. 242 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,487 But here's the thing, 243 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,118 isn't that how it always works? 244 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,950 Like in Star Wars, 245 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,081 men are destined to become their father... 246 00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,834 and then have consensual sex with their sister? 247 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,336 I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie. 248 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,469 No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. 249 00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,171 Baby, that's Empire. 250 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,265 The point is, kids... 251 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,387 they give us a chance to be better than we are. 252 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,348 Better than we used to be. 253 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,434 You're a lot smarter than I look. 254 00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:13,854 I'm gonna go make dessert. 255 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,316 You get the strap-on. Let's make a super baby. 256 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,944 Pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but we can try. 257 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,581 VANESSA: What about Krystal? But with a "K"? 258 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,579 (TIMER TICKING) It's too stripper-y. 259 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,160 Kevin with a "K"! 260 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,337 No, too stripper-y, too. 261 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,506 Uh, Earl! 262 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,171 (IN SLOW MOTION) He's gonna go straight to jail 263 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,048 if we name him Earl. 264 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,380 What about Bruce? 265 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,553 No. 266 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,883 Get down. 267 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,343 What? (GUN FIRES) 268 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,730 (ALL GRUNTING) 269 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,147 (GUN FIRING) 270 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,999 Baby? Baby? 271 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,376 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 272 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,677 I'm okay. 273 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,840 Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader. 274 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,595 - (BOTH PANTING) - (GASPS) 275 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,487 (INAUDIBLE) 276 00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,880 (MOUTHING) Please. 277 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,762 Please. Please. 278 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,890 Baby, I'm so sorry. 279 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:13,852 No! 280 00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:21,485 (DINGS) 281 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:34,961 (PANTING) 282 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:42,093 (HORN BLARING) (GRUNTS) 283 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,632 (TIRES SCREECHING) 284 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,518 (THUNDER RUMBLES) 285 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,571 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 286 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:03,947 (ENGINE STALLING) 287 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,153 (YELLS) 288 00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,797 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 289 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,437 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 290 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,893 (HORN BLARES) 291 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,861 (WOMAN SINGING) 292 00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,085 (SINGING) Papa, can you hear me? 293 00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,538 Is it just me, or does 294 00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:25,373 Do You Want to Build a Snowman? from Frozen... 295 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:26,708 sound suspiciously like 296 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,714 Papa, Can You Hear Me? from Yentl? 297 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,045 (SNIFFLES) 298 00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:32,255 (SINGING) Papa, can you hear me? 299 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,597 And nobody fucking realizes it. 300 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,223 Wade, you gotta go home. 301 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,896 You've been sitting here for three days, okay? 302 00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:44,647 You smell like sauerkraut left in the warm rain. 303 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,107 Like wet garbage in hot urine. 304 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,314 You smell like a dog ate kitty litter... 305 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,399 and then farted his way out of the living room. 306 00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,280 I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's 307 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,906 couch cushions after Shark Week. 308 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:56,613 I love Frozen. 309 00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,207 I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water. 310 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:01,708 An ocean is water. 311 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:06,460 More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know? 312 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:08,082 George Michael was right. 313 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,008 I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! 314 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:11,585 He's dead, too. 315 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,096 At least we still have Bowie. 316 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,844 Oh, Mr. Pool. David Bowie is... 317 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:16,924 Uh, uh, uh... 318 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,384 still with us. 319 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,346 We do. We'll always have Bowie. 320 00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:22,930 I'm sorry. 321 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,307 Shot after shot, 322 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,313 it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're... 323 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,985 Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? 324 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,813 You're making the face that you make when you urinate. 325 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,448 - Is he pissing? - I'm on it! 326 00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:34,074 There you go, Dopinder. 327 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,152 If you want to be a contract killer... 328 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,738 you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun. 329 00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:39,822 Although I don't quite understand 330 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,122 how they are at all similar. 331 00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:43,576 'Cause I could shove either one up your ass and kill you. 332 00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:44,751 Now, leave me. 333 00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:45,828 I get it. 334 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,917 Go home, Wade. 335 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:50,375 I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a... 336 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,169 Okay, I'm fine. 337 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,253 I'm fine. 338 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,213 You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? 339 00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:59,642 Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional. 340 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,302 According to the... 341 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:03,808 - Kübler-Ross. - Yeah. 342 00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:05,936 According to the Kübler-Ross model... 343 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:08,768 denial is just one of the five stages of grief. 344 00:21:08,851 --> 00:21:10,819 Jesus Christ, Buck! 345 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,193 No more speaking lines for you. 346 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,743 (LAUGHING) 347 00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,446 (JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO) 348 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,746 (COMEDY SERIES PLAYING ON RADIO) 349 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,166 THUG: (ON RADIO) Hey, bud. Bud. 350 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,039 - JACK: Huh? - THUG: Got a match? 351 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:27,369 JACK: Match? 352 00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:29,255 Yes, I have one right here. 353 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,707 THUG: Don't make a move. This is a stick-up. 354 00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,549 - JACK: What? - THUG: You heard me. 355 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,627 JACK: Mister, Mister, put down that gun. 356 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:37,304 THUG: Shut up. Now, come on. Your money or your life? 357 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,677 (SNIFFS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO) 358 00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:49,143 THUG: Look, bud. I said, "Your money or your life." 359 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,309 "I'm thinking it over!" 360 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:51,986 Motherfuck! 361 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:53,153 Fuck! 362 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,276 (SIGHS IN RELIEF) 363 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:57,574 The hell you doin' here? 364 00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,072 Don't you know how to knock? 365 00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:01,654 I thought you saw me... 366 00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:03,080 with your ears. 367 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,323 You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the... 368 00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:05,407 The wall? 369 00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:08,870 The refrigerator? I'm in so much pain. 370 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,257 BLIND AL: I heard the news, sweetie. 371 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:15,084 I'm very sorry. I am. 372 00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:16,927 What am I gonna do, Al? 373 00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,137 Probably something terrible. 374 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,549 Knowing you. 375 00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,262 It was my fault. 376 00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,345 I fucking did this. 377 00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:29,019 And all I wanna do is grab her and see her 378 00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:31,100 and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't. 379 00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:34,687 She's gone. 380 00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:38,195 BLIND AL: Sweetheart, can you speak up? 381 00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:39,824 It's a little hard to hear you 382 00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:41,573 with that pity dick in your mouth. 383 00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,656 Now, look, sugar. You need to just keep living. 384 00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:45,739 Thank you... 385 00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:49,043 Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure. 386 00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:51,166 Listen to the pain. 387 00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:53,964 It's both history teacher and fortune teller. 388 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,918 Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. 389 00:22:57,710 --> 00:23:00,964 Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. 390 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,349 But we can't really live till we've died a little, can we? 391 00:23:06,844 --> 00:23:08,061 Wade? 392 00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:12,437 - Wade? - I'm right here, Althea. 393 00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,319 And that is the most beautiful thing 394 00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,611 I've ever heard. 395 00:23:17,354 --> 00:23:18,901 And you're absolutely right. 396 00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,651 (COUGHS) 397 00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:25,113 I'm about to do something terrible. 398 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,457 DEADPOOL: Precious, aren't they? 399 00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:34,664 Whoa! 400 00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:36,169 Are you a superhero? 401 00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,875 Fucking A, sweetie. 402 00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:39,505 What's your name? 403 00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,337 Captain Delicious Pants. 404 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,593 Who's Captain Delicious Pants? 405 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,430 (KIDS SCREAMING) (ANIMAL GROWLING) 406 00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,916 I can't believe he's still alive. 407 00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,494 I can't believe you left the house in that shirt. 408 00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:16,877 There's gotta be some way to die. 409 00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,958 I just need to die harder. 410 00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,167 Trademark Fox. 411 00:24:20,334 --> 00:24:21,335 Y'all caught up now? 412 00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:33,222 (OVERLAPPING VOICES) 413 00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,191 VANESSA: Open for business. 414 00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:38,564 (OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE) 415 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,856 WADE: Your crazy matches my crazy. 416 00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,320 VANESSA: I will never, ever let our child be named Todd. 417 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:45,575 WADE: Skee-Ball token. 418 00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:46,743 You're a lot smarter than I look. 419 00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:48,992 (VOICES ECHOING) 420 00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:53,997 WADE: About why we're so good together. 421 00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:55,419 VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson. 422 00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:56,962 (GASPS) 423 00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,502 WADE: Ness? 424 00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:02,084 Ness? 425 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:03,919 Ness. 426 00:25:04,545 --> 00:25:07,219 Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you. 427 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,018 Your heart's not in the right place. 428 00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,353 (STAMMERS) Wait, hold on. What? 429 00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:16,273 Your heart's not in the right place. 430 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:17,395 Wait. What do you mean 431 00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:18,726 my heart's not in the right place? What does it... 432 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:20,319 (TIMER TICKING) 433 00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:23,313 (TIMER DINGS) 434 00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:41,503 I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. 435 00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:43,049 You're broken. 436 00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:46,095 DEADPOOL: Oh, God. I know that voice. 437 00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:08,571 HEADMASTER: Well, Russell. 438 00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,324 I hear you're handy at picking locks. 439 00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:14,869 There will be no need for that here. 440 00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:18,248 There's no locks on our doors, no bars on our windows. 441 00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:21,622 I know what you're thinking. 442 00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:23,799 Why don't the kids just run? 443 00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,965 Who would choose to stay in such a place? 444 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,425 You stay because... 445 00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:34,644 deep down inside, you know you're unfit to leave. 446 00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:40,065 Don't worry. 447 00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:42,898 We can fix that. 448 00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:51,486 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand. 449 00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:15,092 DEADPOOL: "Heart's in the right place." 450 00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:16,597 "Heart's in the right..." What does that mean? 451 00:27:16,677 --> 00:27:18,554 COLOSSUS: Take your mask off, Wade. 452 00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,230 I wish you'd said "pants". 453 00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:21,564 Let's play a game. 454 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,109 It's called "Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?". 455 00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,528 Now, close your eyes and open your mouth. 456 00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,446 COLOSSUS: You don't need to be funny here. 457 00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,194 We must talk. 458 00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,784 You need fresh start. (GROANS) 459 00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:34,362 Such a glare. 460 00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:36,617 It's like I'm on stage at the Gaiety. 461 00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,249 With training, you can be X-Man. 462 00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:41,502 You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. 463 00:27:41,577 --> 00:27:42,829 I'm not X-Man material. 464 00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,504 Understatement of the year. 465 00:27:44,955 --> 00:27:45,956 Wade, Yukio. 466 00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:47,587 Yukio, Wade. 467 00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:50,469 What in the fuck knuckles is this? 468 00:27:50,544 --> 00:27:52,421 She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit. 469 00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:55,011 Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends. 470 00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,933 I'm just surprised anyone would date you. 471 00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:59,307 Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. 472 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:01,021 I like this guy. 473 00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:02,852 Give him a chance. 474 00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:04,683 It's great seeing you like this. 475 00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,981 (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Yeah. 476 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:08,437 Bye, Wade! 477 00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:11,235 Now, some ground rules while under our roof. 478 00:28:11,315 --> 00:28:14,068 "Rule number one: No killing... 479 00:28:14,151 --> 00:28:17,576 anyone ever, no matter how bad. 480 00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:20,248 Rule two: Label everything in refrigerator." 481 00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:21,325 Wade? 482 00:28:22,201 --> 00:28:23,293 Wade? 483 00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,245 - Don't try to chase me. - Wade! 484 00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,418 I'm not ready to be touched again. 485 00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,716 All these old guys on the wall. 486 00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:31,885 Who lives here, Calista Flockhart? 487 00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:34,011 (OBJECTS SHATTERING) 488 00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:36,465 Those were already damaged after they fell there! 489 00:28:37,132 --> 00:28:38,975 What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? 490 00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:41,270 Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? 491 00:28:41,345 --> 00:28:43,939 And how would I do that exactly? 492 00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,687 'Cause where the fuck is everyone? 493 00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:47,859 It's always just you 494 00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:49,278 and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever... 495 00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:50,354 Enough! 496 00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:52,489 (GASPS) I said no touching! 497 00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:56,782 What the fuck? 498 00:28:57,569 --> 00:28:59,697 You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. 499 00:28:59,780 --> 00:29:01,828 One that doesn't end up in my mouth. 500 00:29:02,658 --> 00:29:03,784 The first movie made more money 501 00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:06,165 than the guy who invented pants. 502 00:29:06,245 --> 00:29:08,373 They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? 503 00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:10,549 How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? 504 00:29:10,624 --> 00:29:11,876 What do those do anyway, huh? 505 00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:13,381 Carry him three feet off the ground 506 00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:15,383 to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? 507 00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:17,715 (DOORS CLOSE) No, no, no! 508 00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:20,472 I am not X-Man material at all. 509 00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:23,178 First off... (BREATHES DEEPLY) 510 00:29:23,262 --> 00:29:25,310 I'm not even a virgin. Second and more... (GROANS) 511 00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:27,436 (GRUNTS) 512 00:29:27,516 --> 00:29:28,563 I should have left you 513 00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:30,315 in the self-pitying mess I found you in. 514 00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:33,443 But this is what friends do. They show up! 515 00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:35,195 Not when convenient or easy. 516 00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:38,944 When hard, and you always make it hard. 517 00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:42,368 (BREATHING HEAVILY) You are unwell. 518 00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:44,541 I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here. 519 00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:46,459 (STRAINING) Wait. One of the assholes 520 00:29:46,535 --> 00:29:48,037 who killed Vanessa got away. 521 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:49,879 (GRUNTS) 522 00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,624 Oh, Jesus Christ! 523 00:29:52,833 --> 00:29:54,676 I thought you were gonna kiss me for a second there. 524 00:29:54,751 --> 00:29:56,628 Please know I wouldn't be able to stop you if you did. 525 00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:58,714 Wade, whoever they are... 526 00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:01,141 we track them down and bring them to justice. 527 00:30:01,717 --> 00:30:03,139 It was me. 528 00:30:05,971 --> 00:30:07,564 I'm the asshole who got away. 529 00:30:08,682 --> 00:30:11,310 I killed every last one of them, except me. 530 00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:13,570 Couldn't kill me. 531 00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:18,692 We were gonna start a family. 532 00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,408 We were, uh... (SNIFFLES) 533 00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:23,613 (CLEARS THROAT) 534 00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:25,415 We were gonna be a family. 535 00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:27,200 COLOSSUS: Wade... 536 00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:30,166 Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. 537 00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:34,045 This may not be family you want... 538 00:30:34,124 --> 00:30:36,126 but it's family you need. 539 00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:37,837 You have a good heart. 540 00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:39,466 It belongs here where it can grow. 541 00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:42,257 What did you say? 542 00:30:44,301 --> 00:30:45,644 About my heart? 543 00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:50,808 (EXHALES) 544 00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:53,060 I think I'm in the right place. 545 00:31:03,070 --> 00:31:04,663 (GRUNTS) 546 00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:51,793 (INAUDIBLE) 547 00:31:56,331 --> 00:31:57,878 (SCREAMING) 548 00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:03,630 MAN: I'mma tell you what the big lie is. 549 00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:05,306 ("ESCAPE" PLAYING ON RADIO) Toilet paper. 550 00:32:05,382 --> 00:32:06,759 What's so bad about toilet paper? 551 00:32:06,842 --> 00:32:08,014 Gets the job done. 552 00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:10,937 Does it really get the job done? 553 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,185 All right. Say you wake up tomorrow morning... 554 00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:17,941 and, hypothetically, find some fresh shit on your face. 555 00:32:18,019 --> 00:32:19,692 Your cheek, maybe a little bit in the beard. 556 00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:21,398 What the hell? I'm about to be fucking sick! 557 00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:22,528 What do you do? 558 00:32:22,607 --> 00:32:23,904 Do you go to a bathroom 559 00:32:23,984 --> 00:32:25,611 and tear off a piece of dry tissue... 560 00:32:25,694 --> 00:32:27,537 and rub it around on your beard a little bit 561 00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,159 and then go on, get on with your day? 562 00:32:29,239 --> 00:32:30,832 Go to church, maybe dinner and a movie, 563 00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:31,999 like nothing happened? 564 00:32:32,075 --> 00:32:33,418 Where is this coming from, man? 565 00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,710 But something did happen. 566 00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:36,208 Your face smells like shit. Right? 567 00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:37,835 So what you would do, 568 00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:40,133 is you would get some soap, you'd get some hot water... 569 00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,506 and you would scrub the fucking shit 570 00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:44,554 out of your beard for 10 straight minutes. 571 00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:46,302 You could not scrub it enough. 572 00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:48,008 Are you trying to make me feel disgusting? 573 00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:49,263 I'm starting to feel... 574 00:32:49,342 --> 00:32:52,016 Toilet paper is a pretty fine appetizer. 575 00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,189 But, then... 576 00:32:54,431 --> 00:32:56,729 Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. 577 00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,151 That's your main course. 578 00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:01,355 They're soft, they're moist. They're for babies. 579 00:33:02,189 --> 00:33:04,942 Finally, one more pass with toilet paper, 580 00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:06,902 maybe clear out that excess moisture. 581 00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:08,578 Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go, 582 00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:09,950 if you can get you a hair dryer. 583 00:33:10,030 --> 00:33:12,374 Just about 30 seconds would do you good. 584 00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:17,078 The fuck? 585 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:19,377 Year. 586 00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:21,374 What? 587 00:33:22,584 --> 00:33:24,211 What year is it? 588 00:33:24,294 --> 00:33:26,763 What kind of dumb-ass question is that to ask? 589 00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:42,442 (ALARM RINGING) 590 00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:45,983 (SIRENS APPROACHING) 591 00:33:57,494 --> 00:34:00,247 INSTRUCTOR: We have 8 weeks of boot camp ahead of us, men. 592 00:34:00,330 --> 00:34:01,627 That'll get us toned and prepared 593 00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:03,299 for all manner of combat. 594 00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:09,382 Not working out at all. 595 00:34:09,631 --> 00:34:11,258 Masking tape. 596 00:34:11,341 --> 00:34:13,685 It is no friend to chilled aluminum. 597 00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,729 Velcro. Color-coded, efficient, 598 00:34:16,805 --> 00:34:17,897 environmentally friendly. 599 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,187 Who is he talking to? 600 00:34:20,267 --> 00:34:21,894 And why is he dressed like a registered sex offender? 601 00:34:21,977 --> 00:34:23,945 Can we focus for a moment, ladies? 602 00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,273 Please, we need to talk about next month's meal plan. 603 00:34:26,356 --> 00:34:28,108 Obviously, everyone hated the ceviche. 604 00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:29,488 I read the suggestion box. 605 00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:31,161 I'm gonna stop you right there. 606 00:34:31,236 --> 00:34:33,034 I see through this weak act. 607 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:37,501 You may have fooled Colossus with this nice guy shit... 608 00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:38,831 but not me. 609 00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:39,957 Don't be mean. 610 00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:41,333 Back off, NTW. 611 00:34:41,413 --> 00:34:43,586 No, no, no. Let her go. 612 00:34:43,665 --> 00:34:44,791 Let her go, it's okay. 613 00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:46,421 She has a right to be skeptical. 614 00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:49,129 Look at me. I'm an easy target. 615 00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:51,640 You know, historically, 616 00:34:51,715 --> 00:34:53,592 mischief has been my mistress... 617 00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:56,349 so I understand, you know. But I like to think... 618 00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:59,939 that you guys have really rubbed off on me. 619 00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:03,310 I like to think that I've rubbed off around you, too. 620 00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:06,354 A lot. 621 00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,983 And for the first time in a long while... 622 00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:11,238 I like me. 623 00:35:13,445 --> 00:35:15,948 - I accept your apology. - I never apologized. 624 00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,533 I was talking to your heart. 625 00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,994 See? You're not lost cause you thought. 626 00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:23,250 I'm proud. You're everything I knew you can be. 627 00:35:23,330 --> 00:35:24,627 Thank you, Colossus. 628 00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:26,966 Just trying to be the world's best X-Man. 629 00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,464 Sorry, X-Person. 630 00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:32,673 Hmm. Something wrong with the soap. 631 00:35:32,756 --> 00:35:34,349 It's fine. 632 00:35:34,424 --> 00:35:36,643 I just filled it. Give it a few more pumps there. 633 00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:40,313 Now, if you'll excuse me... 634 00:35:40,388 --> 00:35:42,140 it's dust bunny season... 635 00:35:42,223 --> 00:35:43,224 and I'm hunting wabbits. 636 00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,059 Bye, Wade! 637 00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,777 - (MOUTHING) Fuck. - (MOUTHING) Fuck you. 638 00:35:55,904 --> 00:35:57,406 (BELL CONTINUES RINGING) 639 00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:00,784 (BELL STOPS RINGING) 640 00:36:01,451 --> 00:36:04,000 HEADMASTER: No one is born perfect. 641 00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:06,047 But you can be. 642 00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:08,466 I know you're doing what comes naturally. 643 00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:14,597 You can't help yourself. 644 00:36:18,468 --> 00:36:19,936 But you can. 645 00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:23,269 It takes work, discipline... 646 00:36:23,723 --> 00:36:24,940 and treatment. 647 00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:26,689 Your abilities... 648 00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:30,647 I know how seductive they are. 649 00:36:31,481 --> 00:36:33,654 How powerful they make you feel. 650 00:36:34,651 --> 00:36:37,154 But you must learn never to use them... 651 00:36:37,237 --> 00:36:39,831 so they will never use you. 652 00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:44,668 (CRYING) 653 00:36:46,079 --> 00:36:47,672 Please don't cry. 654 00:36:48,498 --> 00:36:50,091 I'm going to help. 655 00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:53,010 I'm gonna make you feel what you should feel. 656 00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,800 How you need to feel... 657 00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:58,471 every time you're tempted to act upon your urges. 658 00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:03,267 Suck my mutant dick, you four-eyed fuck. 659 00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:07,775 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (GRUNTING) 660 00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,232 (SCREAMS) 661 00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:18,953 COLOSSUS: Wade. 662 00:37:19,863 --> 00:37:20,864 Wade! 663 00:37:21,489 --> 00:37:23,537 Come in! Hey, I was just doing 664 00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,163 a little bit of light reading here... 665 00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:26,920 We have mission. 666 00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:28,538 Well, you guys be safe out there. 667 00:37:28,621 --> 00:37:29,838 I'll be praying for you. 668 00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:32,337 No, I want you to join. 669 00:37:33,543 --> 00:37:34,669 I'm sorry, what? 670 00:37:34,753 --> 00:37:36,346 You heard me. 671 00:37:36,421 --> 00:37:38,674 Trust me, that's a terrible idea. 672 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:39,887 I'm really not ready. 673 00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,468 - You are ready. - I'm not. 674 00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:43,470 Be at the X-Jet in five. 675 00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:44,762 I can do thirty. 676 00:37:44,846 --> 00:37:46,769 - Now. - I can do now. 677 00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:47,895 Final offer. 678 00:37:48,141 --> 00:37:50,644 REPORTER: Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. 679 00:37:50,727 --> 00:37:52,695 Live here at a breaking news situation 680 00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:55,399 at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation. 681 00:37:55,482 --> 00:37:57,405 A mutant boy is appearing to have 682 00:37:57,484 --> 00:37:58,701 some sort of an incident... 683 00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:00,450 with police here behind me. - RUSSELL: Get away from me! 684 00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,906 There are two police vehicles that are overturned. 685 00:38:02,989 --> 00:38:04,411 - There are open fires. - Fuck off! Stay back! 686 00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:05,492 REPORTER: A scene of absolute chaos here. 687 00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:06,576 OFFICER: Calm down. 688 00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:09,378 RUSSELL: I'll burn you! You stay back! 689 00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:11,831 Get away from me! 690 00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:14,418 You wanna fucking die? (BREATHING HEAVILY) 691 00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:32,606 And it appears as if the X-Men are arriving... 692 00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:33,686 DEADPOOL: Scatter! 693 00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:36,238 REPORTER: ...with what appears to be a trainee. 694 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:39,284 DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down! The pros are here. I... 695 00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,451 We're the X-Men! 696 00:38:40,527 --> 00:38:42,746 A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. 697 00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,327 So, respect. 698 00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:46,950 At ease, Officer. 699 00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:50,082 What are you doing? 700 00:38:50,537 --> 00:38:51,789 My job! 701 00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:53,248 You're the one who said I was ready, 702 00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:54,799 and I frankly disagreed with you. 703 00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,252 But here we are, trying to overcome our differences. 704 00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:59,758 Like Beyoncé says, "Please... 705 00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:01,931 Please, stop cheating on me." 706 00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:03,098 OFFICER: Hey! 707 00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:04,517 This is the fifth incident. 708 00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:06,765 This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here. 709 00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,472 Russell belongs in our care. 710 00:39:08,555 --> 00:39:10,307 Not in prison. I assure you... 711 00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:11,482 we have everything under control. 712 00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:12,605 RUSSELL: Stay back! I'll burn you! 713 00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:13,856 Not getting a real 714 00:39:13,935 --> 00:39:15,608 "under control" vibe here, Marty. 715 00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:18,064 - It is Glen, isn't it? - Daniel. 716 00:39:18,147 --> 00:39:19,364 I'll ask the questions, Miguel. 717 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:20,737 Let me talk to the kid. 718 00:39:20,817 --> 00:39:25,664 You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips. 719 00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:28,408 RUSSELL: You wanna die? 720 00:39:28,491 --> 00:39:29,492 DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable. 721 00:39:29,576 --> 00:39:30,668 I don't know why I packed the hollow points. 722 00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:31,869 I'll burn your balls off! 723 00:39:31,953 --> 00:39:34,581 First day. (CHUCKLING) I'm so nervous! 724 00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:36,875 Did you just say "hollow points"? 725 00:39:36,958 --> 00:39:38,301 Yeah, probably should've 726 00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:40,424 brought a Super Soaker. (LAUGHS) 727 00:39:40,962 --> 00:39:41,963 Hi, there! 728 00:39:43,256 --> 00:39:45,725 Stay back or Justin Bieber dies! 729 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,304 (LAUGHS) Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber. 730 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,307 (RUSSELL GRUNTS) Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! 731 00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:55,485 Okay, let's not do whatever that is. 732 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,028 Okay? Let's just talk! 733 00:39:57,103 --> 00:39:58,355 It's Russell, right? 734 00:39:58,771 --> 00:40:00,614 - Firefist. - Firefist. 735 00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:03,284 Ooh, that's a great name. Where does it burn? 736 00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:04,781 Just the fist, or all the way up to the elbow? 737 00:40:05,737 --> 00:40:06,989 (GRUNTS) 738 00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:09,741 (CROWD EXCLAIMS) 739 00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:12,452 (CHUCKLES) Definitely all the way up to the elbow. 740 00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:14,537 Come quietly, or there will be trouble. 741 00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,757 - You stole that from Robocop! - That's from Robocop! 742 00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:19,842 Just stand down! 743 00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:21,966 You're embarrassing me. Look, Fire... 744 00:40:22,045 --> 00:40:23,262 (LAUGHS) 745 00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:25,677 Oh, my God! I can't say it! I'm so sorry! 746 00:40:25,924 --> 00:40:26,925 (GRUNTS) 747 00:40:27,884 --> 00:40:29,602 (ALL SCREAMING) 748 00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:33,978 Oh, shit! That fucking does it! 749 00:40:34,474 --> 00:40:35,817 Put your hands behind your knees 750 00:40:35,892 --> 00:40:37,360 and get down on your head! Now! 751 00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:39,654 Wade! What was first rule? 752 00:40:39,729 --> 00:40:41,652 Label everything in the refrigerator! 753 00:40:41,731 --> 00:40:44,325 - Do not escalate! - Rules are meant to be broken! 754 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:45,777 COLOSSUS: That's the exact opposite 755 00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,237 of what they're meant for! 756 00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:49,705 Fuck! Fine! 757 00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:51,286 I'll start from the beginning. 758 00:40:51,908 --> 00:40:54,252 My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. 759 00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:56,295 - Trainee! - Shut it! 760 00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,503 Look, I get it. 761 00:41:00,667 --> 00:41:02,294 All right, you're scared. 762 00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:03,882 Alone. 763 00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:05,009 You got no family. 764 00:41:05,088 --> 00:41:06,089 I didn't have a family, either. 765 00:41:06,172 --> 00:41:07,890 You live in this dump. Guess what? 766 00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,684 I used to live in a shithole just like it. 767 00:41:10,593 --> 00:41:11,890 But you know something? 768 00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:13,688 A wise woman once said to me... 769 00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:15,140 "Speak up. 770 00:41:15,223 --> 00:41:17,442 I can't hear you with that pity dick in your mouth." 771 00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,735 Too much? I went too far. 772 00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,063 (GRUNTS) (ALL EXCLAIM) 773 00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,237 That was effervescent. 774 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,243 (SIGHS) Stay in school, kid. 775 00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,116 Or don't. I didn't. 776 00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:35,038 And I'm an X-Man. (THUDS) 777 00:41:35,118 --> 00:41:36,210 Trainee. 778 00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:37,628 Fuck it! 779 00:41:37,704 --> 00:41:39,456 Superhero landing coming up! 780 00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:42,959 (GRUNTS) 781 00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:44,669 Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck! 782 00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:46,595 (GROANS) That is so not practical. 783 00:41:46,879 --> 00:41:48,426 - (GRUNTS) - (GASPS) 784 00:41:50,174 --> 00:41:51,391 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 785 00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,148 (GROANS) 786 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,864 (CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 787 00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:09,360 I could get used to this X-Man shit. 788 00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:10,445 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Trainee! 789 00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:11,575 DEADPOOL: Trainee! 790 00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,698 OFFICER: Get a power restraint on him. Now! 791 00:42:13,781 --> 00:42:17,001 DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt. It's over. We got ya. 792 00:42:17,702 --> 00:42:18,794 (DEVICE WHIRRS) 793 00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,372 What's that do? 794 00:42:20,455 --> 00:42:21,923 Power-dampening collar. 795 00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:23,250 Shuts down all mutant abilities. 796 00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:26,127 You can't get it off. Unless you've got a grenade. 797 00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:29,180 Huh. Could've used one of those in the first act. 798 00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:30,507 HEADMASTER: Thank you! 799 00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,560 That was absolutely thrilling. 800 00:42:34,635 --> 00:42:36,637 True heroism in action. 801 00:42:36,888 --> 00:42:38,561 We are in your debt. 802 00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:40,975 We can take it from here. 803 00:42:41,059 --> 00:42:43,232 Take me to the Ice Box, please! 804 00:42:43,311 --> 00:42:44,483 Anywhere's better than here. 805 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:45,779 DEADPOOL: Believe me, son, 806 00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:47,573 you do not wanna go to the Ice Box. 807 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:50,151 That place makes Hitler's anus look like Waikiki. 808 00:42:50,276 --> 00:42:52,119 Let's get you inside, young man. 809 00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:54,163 No, wait, wait. Wait. 810 00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:55,740 You guys stay there. 811 00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:07,460 Those guys hurt you? 812 00:43:08,878 --> 00:43:09,925 Who? 813 00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:14,683 Baldilocks? Jared Kushner? 814 00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:17,637 Both of 'em? 815 00:43:21,349 --> 00:43:23,022 Oh, fuck it. 816 00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:24,648 Four or five moments! 817 00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:25,728 I'm sorry? 818 00:43:25,812 --> 00:43:28,986 Four or five moments! 819 00:43:30,233 --> 00:43:32,986 That's all it takes to be a hero. 820 00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,030 People think you wake up a hero... 821 00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:37,991 brush your teeth a hero... 822 00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:41,077 ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. 823 00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:42,788 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 824 00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:46,625 But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments! 825 00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:49,586 A few moments... 826 00:43:49,669 --> 00:43:52,297 doing the ugly stuff no one else will do. 827 00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:53,472 (GROANS) 828 00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:56,968 No! 829 00:43:59,637 --> 00:44:00,854 OFFICER: Stand down! Hold your fire! 830 00:44:00,930 --> 00:44:03,228 - Wade, what did you do? - Colossus, no! 831 00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:06,561 You were right, Wade. You are not X-Men material. 832 00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:08,897 No shit, Shiny Gandhi! 833 00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:10,448 What was your first clue? 834 00:44:10,523 --> 00:44:13,322 The hollow point through that fuckhead's face? 835 00:44:13,693 --> 00:44:14,945 That kid was abused! 836 00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:16,825 - You can always tell! - COLOSSUS: We have rules! 837 00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:19,832 You are not judge, jury or executioner! 838 00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,831 Fuck your rules! I fight for what's right! 839 00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:24,503 And sometimes you gotta fight dirty! 840 00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,836 You let me down for the last time, Wade. 841 00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,213 OFFICER: Okay, get these guys in the pod. 842 00:44:33,296 --> 00:44:35,469 Take them to the Ice Box. (SIRENS WAILING) 843 00:44:35,548 --> 00:44:37,391 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 844 00:44:48,561 --> 00:44:51,314 (PRISONERS SHOUTING) (WHISTLING) 845 00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,274 (GATE BUZZING) 846 00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,034 (SHOUTING CONTINUES) (GRUNTS) 847 00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:57,111 Hey, baby! 848 00:44:58,196 --> 00:45:00,415 I wonder what gang I'll be in. 849 00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:01,866 Yeah! 850 00:45:02,033 --> 00:45:04,286 Is there, like, a Sorting Hat? (MOUTHS) Hi. 851 00:45:06,162 --> 00:45:07,539 I've always seen myself as 852 00:45:07,622 --> 00:45:08,999 more of an East Coast Hufflepuff. 853 00:45:10,499 --> 00:45:13,469 I've made a critical error on my Airbnb reservation. 854 00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:17,390 This is not what the website looked like at all. 855 00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:20,684 I love the decor though. 856 00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:22,683 I had no idea hopeless was a color. 857 00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,014 GUARD: Hard left, douchebag. 858 00:45:28,517 --> 00:45:29,689 Please, after you. 859 00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:34,570 Another disgusting minority off the streets. 860 00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:35,741 We'll sleep well tonight. 861 00:45:35,816 --> 00:45:36,817 Let's get a bagel. 862 00:45:36,901 --> 00:45:39,279 - (TASER CRACKLING) - (GROANING) 863 00:45:40,112 --> 00:45:42,956 Nighty-night, you annoying prick! 864 00:45:44,033 --> 00:45:46,127 (CONTINUES GROANING) 865 00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:14,651 (VOMITING) 866 00:46:18,734 --> 00:46:20,577 RUSSELL: You're a long way from your superpowers. 867 00:46:20,653 --> 00:46:23,031 Yeah. Just a touch of cancer. 868 00:46:23,114 --> 00:46:25,583 Not to worry, we're old friends. 869 00:46:25,658 --> 00:46:26,830 Fuck! 870 00:46:26,909 --> 00:46:28,582 I wanted to be a superhero. 871 00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:31,043 Always wanted a real super suit. 872 00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:32,669 (SIGHS) What happened? 873 00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:34,796 When was the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? 874 00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:36,673 Never. 875 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,842 The industry discriminates. 876 00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,469 Fuck superheroes. 877 00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:44,268 The thing that pisses me off the most... 878 00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,186 I never stood up for myself in there. 879 00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,603 My whole life. 880 00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:54,236 I've been waiting for someone to come and save me. 881 00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:59,617 Nobody's gonna sacrifice anything for me. 882 00:47:03,738 --> 00:47:05,991 I gotta start taking care of myself. 883 00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:09,168 I have a mission now. 884 00:47:10,119 --> 00:47:12,747 The first thing I wanna do when I get out of here... 885 00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:15,128 burn the headmaster alive... 886 00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:17,801 and then take a selfie with his smoldering corpse. 887 00:47:18,961 --> 00:47:21,384 Aw. That's, like, my favorite part of the Bible. 888 00:47:23,132 --> 00:47:25,055 I don't have a sock puppet on me... 889 00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,144 but what did he do to you? 890 00:47:27,762 --> 00:47:29,309 Did he taste the rainbow? 891 00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:31,436 I'd whisper it, but Skittles would sue us. 892 00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,227 Fucker hates mutants. 893 00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,562 He tried to beat the genes out of us. 894 00:47:36,645 --> 00:47:39,194 Nothing worse than a "pray the gay away" type guy. 895 00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:41,359 Sick piece of shit. 896 00:47:42,777 --> 00:47:46,452 Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here... 897 00:47:47,406 --> 00:47:49,079 and we'll make him our bitch! 898 00:47:49,158 --> 00:47:50,501 (RUMBLING) 899 00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:52,958 (WADE COUGHS) 900 00:47:53,037 --> 00:47:54,334 What was that? (CLEARS THROAT) 901 00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:56,381 That is the biggest guy in here. 902 00:47:57,041 --> 00:47:59,089 Fun fact about the Ice Box... 903 00:47:59,168 --> 00:48:00,966 though no one's ever seen it, 904 00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,218 they keep a monster in the basement. 905 00:48:03,297 --> 00:48:05,015 Right next to a huge, 906 00:48:05,091 --> 00:48:06,638 steaming bowl of foreshadowing. 907 00:48:07,259 --> 00:48:08,260 Look. 908 00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:11,184 I can't protect you. (COUGHS) 909 00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,681 With this collar on, 910 00:48:12,765 --> 00:48:15,860 my superpower is just unbridled cancer. 911 00:48:15,935 --> 00:48:18,814 Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye. 912 00:48:19,438 --> 00:48:21,486 Now, if you'll excuse me... (COUGHS) 913 00:48:21,565 --> 00:48:24,739 I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits. 914 00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:27,072 I'll start by making us a shank. 915 00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:29,198 Good listening. I stole that guard's pen... 916 00:48:29,281 --> 00:48:31,204 and stashed it in the old prison wallet, 917 00:48:31,283 --> 00:48:32,660 if you know what I'm saying. 918 00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:35,212 I really hope I don't know what you're saying. 919 00:48:35,830 --> 00:48:37,207 (RUSSELL EXHALES) 920 00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:39,587 RUSSELL: I know it's in there, I just need to get it out. 921 00:48:39,667 --> 00:48:41,590 Oh, Jesus Christ. 922 00:48:41,836 --> 00:48:44,089 I can hear you rummaging around in there. 923 00:48:44,505 --> 00:48:46,633 Do they make Purell for your ears? 924 00:48:46,966 --> 00:48:48,468 (SIREN WAILING) 925 00:48:51,429 --> 00:48:52,772 REPORTER: (ON TV) And to update you 926 00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:54,190 on the story reported earlier, 927 00:48:54,265 --> 00:48:55,812 after a lengthy standoff 928 00:48:55,891 --> 00:48:58,565 outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation... 929 00:48:58,644 --> 00:48:59,941 two mutants were arrested 930 00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:01,647 and transported to the Ice Box... 931 00:49:01,814 --> 00:49:03,191 AUTOMATED VOICE: Entering repair mode. 932 00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:08,988 REPORTER: ...several police cars were destroyed 933 00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:11,073 and the X-Men were called in to restore order. 934 00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:32,185 (COUGHS) 935 00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:34,271 GUARD: (ON PA) Cells seven and nine 936 00:49:34,346 --> 00:49:37,691 now off-limits for medical personnel. 937 00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:39,234 Cells seven and nine 938 00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:42,063 now off-limits for medical personnel. 939 00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,191 Psst! 940 00:49:47,485 --> 00:49:49,328 Don't do that. 941 00:49:49,904 --> 00:49:52,748 What? Why are you winking at me? 942 00:49:52,823 --> 00:49:53,915 (COUGHS) 943 00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:57,745 I got your back. 944 00:49:57,828 --> 00:49:59,000 Oh, my God. 945 00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:00,547 You're sick, I gotta protect you. 946 00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:02,546 Just leave me alone, kid. (MAN WHISTLING) 947 00:50:03,667 --> 00:50:04,759 Oh, great. 948 00:50:05,336 --> 00:50:06,508 (WADE COUGHS) 949 00:50:06,587 --> 00:50:09,090 Well, hello there, new fish. 950 00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:12,097 It's nice to see some fresh faces around here. 951 00:50:12,259 --> 00:50:14,478 (COUGHS) I've done some light catalog work... 952 00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:17,022 but, really, modeling is just a stepping stone to acting. 953 00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:19,020 - I was talking to him. - Oh. 954 00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:22,938 Have we met? I can't place your mustache. 955 00:50:23,354 --> 00:50:25,982 - Black Tom Cassidy. - White Wade Wilson. 956 00:50:26,065 --> 00:50:29,194 What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation? 957 00:50:29,527 --> 00:50:32,076 You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here. 958 00:50:32,154 --> 00:50:33,827 You don't look like much to me. 959 00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:37,163 First rule of the yard, fuckface... 960 00:50:37,243 --> 00:50:38,836 find the biggest guy and make him your... 961 00:50:39,328 --> 00:50:41,296 (GROANS) (INMATES EXCLAIM) 962 00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,296 Second biggest guy. 963 00:50:45,376 --> 00:50:47,629 The last thing I need is more hepatitis. 964 00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:51,382 Oh, it's slippery, too. This table needs a wipe down! 965 00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:52,808 Can we get a wipe down on the table? 966 00:50:53,342 --> 00:50:54,514 (GROANS) (INMATES EXCLAIM) 967 00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:56,220 Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. 968 00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:59,185 No, I didn't! He's my friend! 969 00:50:59,265 --> 00:51:01,518 Zip it. We're not friends. (INMATES CHEERING) 970 00:51:03,227 --> 00:51:04,319 You're about to get dick-slapped. 971 00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:07,948 - (INMATES SHOUTING) - (COUGHS) 972 00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:11,034 (SHOUTING CONTINUES) 973 00:51:16,865 --> 00:51:18,583 I had so much fun! You were like... (GRUNTS) 974 00:51:18,659 --> 00:51:20,707 And I was like, "Take a seat, shit dick." 975 00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:21,912 Just let me die in peace. 976 00:51:22,580 --> 00:51:24,332 (GRUNTS) We make a great team! 977 00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:27,297 Oh, God! We're not a team. (COUGHING) 978 00:51:27,376 --> 00:51:31,677 Why'd you say that back there? We're friends, partners. 979 00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:34,178 We're not partners or friends. 980 00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,641 This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. 981 00:51:37,720 --> 00:51:39,893 It ends with me dying of cancer... 982 00:51:39,972 --> 00:51:43,522 and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. 983 00:51:43,851 --> 00:51:45,194 (WADE COUGHS) 984 00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:46,816 There's only one person in this world 985 00:51:46,895 --> 00:51:48,693 that I care about, and she's gone. 986 00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:52,484 You wanna survive? 987 00:51:53,694 --> 00:51:56,994 Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here... 988 00:51:57,072 --> 00:51:58,949 and make friends with them. 989 00:52:00,242 --> 00:52:01,835 Make friends with someone. 990 00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,671 Anyone but me. 991 00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:08,175 Maybe even Black Tim. 992 00:52:09,084 --> 00:52:10,631 Black Evan, I don't know. 993 00:52:10,711 --> 00:52:13,214 All I remember is he was African-American. 994 00:52:24,058 --> 00:52:25,731 (GUARDS GROANING) 995 00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:33,784 (BREATHING HEAVILY) (ALARM BLARING) 996 00:52:40,866 --> 00:52:42,709 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) 997 00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:49,841 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 998 00:52:51,210 --> 00:52:52,883 (GUARDS GROANING) 999 00:52:58,676 --> 00:53:00,724 AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON PA) System malfunctioning. 1000 00:53:00,803 --> 00:53:04,148 Cells 7, 12, 14, 27. 1001 00:53:04,223 --> 00:53:06,442 Back in your cells, you filthy mutants! Get in there! 1002 00:53:06,517 --> 00:53:09,817 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cells 1, 3, 7, 8. 1003 00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,398 (BEEPING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Searching. 1004 00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:16,319 Cell 04 located. 1005 00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:19,322 Door won't open! 1006 00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,490 GUARD: On your fucking knees! 1007 00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:25,581 (ALL GRUNTING) 1008 00:53:58,444 --> 00:54:00,162 That was our cell. 1009 00:54:02,281 --> 00:54:04,534 What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker 1010 00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:05,788 with a Winter Soldier arm? 1011 00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:16,966 Get away from me, kid! 1012 00:54:18,839 --> 00:54:20,056 (PRISONER GROANS) 1013 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:21,766 (ALL GRUNTING) 1014 00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:25,812 Listen to me! Go! 1015 00:54:31,310 --> 00:54:32,607 Hello, Russell. 1016 00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:37,448 (COCKS GUN) 1017 00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:42,871 (GROANS) 1018 00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:45,741 (WADE GRUNTS) (GROANS) 1019 00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:48,911 (GROANING) 1020 00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,350 (GRUNTS) 1021 00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,688 (GUARDS GROANING) 1022 00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,717 (GROANING) 1023 00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:42,931 (ALL GRUNTING) 1024 00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:52,724 (GROANS) 1025 00:55:52,808 --> 00:55:54,276 (GASPS) 1026 00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:55,943 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 1027 00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,067 I don't bargain. 1028 00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:04,198 (GRUNTS) (GROANS) 1029 00:56:07,114 --> 00:56:08,661 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1030 00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:17,207 Who are you? 1031 00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:19,335 I'm Batman. 1032 00:56:28,677 --> 00:56:29,769 (GASPS) 1033 00:56:30,762 --> 00:56:31,809 Ooh! 1034 00:56:32,764 --> 00:56:33,856 (GRUNTS) 1035 00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:39,439 Oh. That's got some zip. 1036 00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:50,745 Don't feel bad. Even I can't kill me. 1037 00:56:51,450 --> 00:56:52,497 Talk! 1038 00:56:53,035 --> 00:56:54,787 What kind of spineless shit stick 1039 00:56:54,870 --> 00:56:56,247 tries to kill a 14-year-old boy? 1040 00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,711 You might wanna start talking! 1041 00:56:58,790 --> 00:57:01,213 'Cause I got a long history of firing at times like this! 1042 00:57:02,711 --> 00:57:04,213 The name's Cable. 1043 00:57:04,755 --> 00:57:07,429 I'm from the future. Just walk away. 1044 00:57:08,091 --> 00:57:09,388 Oh! 1045 00:57:09,468 --> 00:57:10,936 So, you're from the future. 1046 00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:13,313 I have three questions then. 1047 00:57:13,472 --> 00:57:16,646 One, is dubstep still a thing? 1048 00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:19,569 Two, do people still homebrew? 1049 00:57:19,645 --> 00:57:22,239 And three, does Dopinder ever find love? 1050 00:57:31,323 --> 00:57:32,825 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1051 00:57:45,837 --> 00:57:47,680 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1052 00:57:50,008 --> 00:57:53,387 - (SHOUTING) - (CHOKING) 1053 00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:57,649 (SCREAMING) 1054 00:58:02,270 --> 00:58:03,988 (GROANING) 1055 00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,118 Dubstep's for pussies. 1056 00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,365 You're so dark! 1057 00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:11,663 Are you sure you're not from the DC universe? 1058 00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:13,908 I love dubstep! 1059 00:58:13,991 --> 00:58:16,164 (DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING) 1060 00:58:24,501 --> 00:58:26,219 - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 1061 00:58:38,724 --> 00:58:40,146 (GROANS) 1062 00:58:40,225 --> 00:58:41,647 WADE: Is that a fanny pack? 1063 00:58:41,727 --> 00:58:44,321 I used to have one of those in 1990-never. 1064 00:58:45,272 --> 00:58:47,366 Something to remember you by. 1065 00:58:47,441 --> 00:58:51,162 Give me that back! That goes with me everywhere. 1066 00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:53,614 Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack! 1067 00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:00,124 (GROANING) 1068 00:59:03,331 --> 00:59:05,425 Why are you protecting the kid? 1069 00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:06,672 (LAUGHS) 1070 00:59:06,752 --> 00:59:08,675 I don't give a fuck about him... 1071 00:59:09,087 --> 00:59:11,510 and his Are You My Mother? complex! 1072 00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:15,094 What's this one do? 1073 00:59:16,470 --> 00:59:18,438 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 1074 00:59:27,522 --> 00:59:29,195 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) 1075 00:59:29,274 --> 00:59:30,867 WADE: In every film, there's a moment 1076 00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,286 when the hero hits rock bottom. 1077 00:59:33,361 --> 00:59:35,284 In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's 1078 00:59:35,363 --> 00:59:36,660 prized bobsled broke. 1079 00:59:37,365 --> 00:59:40,084 In Human Centipede, it was when those people... 1080 00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:41,707 signed on to be in that movie. 1081 00:59:41,787 --> 00:59:43,255 But in this film, well... 1082 00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:45,127 you're looking at it. 1083 00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:46,959 GUARD: On your fucking knees, mutant. 1084 00:59:47,793 --> 00:59:49,215 (GROANING) 1085 00:59:49,878 --> 00:59:50,879 WADE: Rock... 1086 00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:56,427 meet bottom. 1087 01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,267 (INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING) 1088 01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,196 VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson. 1089 01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:09,488 Ness? 1090 01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:11,992 Hey, Ness! 1091 01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,657 Ness, can you let me in? 1092 01:00:14,736 --> 01:00:16,830 Please! Please. 1093 01:00:18,990 --> 01:00:20,082 Jesus. 1094 01:00:20,158 --> 01:00:21,159 (SIGHS) 1095 01:00:23,036 --> 01:00:24,754 You're not giving me a lot of direction here. 1096 01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,628 I'm at the end of my rope. 1097 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,128 (TIMER TICKING) 1098 01:00:29,126 --> 01:00:31,379 Then I joined the X-Men. 1099 01:00:31,545 --> 01:00:33,388 I went to prison. I, uh... 1100 01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:38,969 Is it the kid? 1101 01:00:41,012 --> 01:00:43,936 Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be. 1102 01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:46,351 The kid! (TIMER DINGS) 1103 01:00:49,855 --> 01:00:51,357 (GASPING) 1104 01:00:53,984 --> 01:00:55,577 (WHEEZING) 1105 01:01:00,407 --> 01:01:01,704 That's exactly what she meant. 1106 01:01:01,783 --> 01:01:02,955 Your heart needs to be in the right place. 1107 01:01:03,076 --> 01:01:04,919 I'm not gonna abandon this kid. 1108 01:01:04,995 --> 01:01:07,589 He's never had anyone, ever. 1109 01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:08,961 I need to be selfless. 1110 01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:10,963 Yeah, but what does that mean? 1111 01:01:11,042 --> 01:01:14,171 It means I'm gonna save Russell. 1112 01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:15,839 Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa... 1113 01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:18,892 but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand. 1114 01:01:18,967 --> 01:01:20,969 Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless." 1115 01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:22,474 I literally don't know what that means. 1116 01:01:22,637 --> 01:01:23,763 Jesus Christ. 1117 01:01:23,847 --> 01:01:26,566 Okay, look. According to my guy, okay... 1118 01:01:26,641 --> 01:01:28,393 those muties are being transferred 1119 01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:30,274 to a supermax, 80 miles away. 1120 01:01:30,353 --> 01:01:32,151 Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way. 1121 01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:34,358 Hold your testicles there, buddy, okay? 1122 01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:36,409 We're talking about an armored convoy... 1123 01:01:36,484 --> 01:01:39,078 and a vicious super soldier from the future... 1124 01:01:39,154 --> 01:01:41,498 that is looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray. 1125 01:01:41,573 --> 01:01:42,995 You know what we need to do? 1126 01:01:43,074 --> 01:01:44,826 We need to build a fucking team. 1127 01:01:44,993 --> 01:01:47,041 We need 'em tough, morally flexible... 1128 01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:48,497 and young enough so they can carry 1129 01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:49,706 this franchise 10 to 12 years. 1130 01:01:49,789 --> 01:01:51,632 A team of highly-skilled motherfuckers. 1131 01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:54,712 I'm talking about some Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two. 1132 01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:57,172 John Wick 3, but with the original director. 1133 01:01:57,255 --> 01:01:59,132 DOPINDER: My body is an instrument of death. 1134 01:01:59,216 --> 01:02:00,559 Not now, Dopinder. 1135 01:02:00,634 --> 01:02:02,056 I could be of great use. 1136 01:02:02,135 --> 01:02:03,728 What's your superpower? 1137 01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,140 - Courage. - That's adorable. 1138 01:02:07,224 --> 01:02:08,851 Do you have the courage to check and see... 1139 01:02:08,934 --> 01:02:11,278 if there are enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser? 1140 01:02:11,353 --> 01:02:12,354 Yes, sir. 1141 01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:13,689 I'm sorry you had to see that, 1142 01:02:13,772 --> 01:02:15,274 although I'm glad you heard it. 1143 01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:18,026 All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. 1144 01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:20,328 But we're not paying medical or dental. 1145 01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:22,451 It's time to get back on LinkedIn. 1146 01:02:32,290 --> 01:02:33,758 (EXHALES) 1147 01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:45,553 (CHILD SINGING) 1148 01:02:59,317 --> 01:03:00,864 GUARD: (ON PA) Attention, all inmates! 1149 01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:03,405 Transport to Cross Force Maximum Security 1150 01:03:03,488 --> 01:03:04,865 Mutant Containment Facility... 1151 01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:06,874 will begin at 0800 hours. 1152 01:03:07,033 --> 01:03:09,001 Inspection of your cells and out processing 1153 01:03:09,077 --> 01:03:11,125 will begin at 0600. 1154 01:03:19,421 --> 01:03:20,422 BLACK TOM: Oi. 1155 01:03:20,547 --> 01:03:21,890 MUTANT: What the fuck do you want? 1156 01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:23,763 That's my fucking pudding. 1157 01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:25,139 - Fuck your pudding! - You like pudding? 1158 01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:27,637 - (GRUNTS) - (PRISONERS CLAMORING) 1159 01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:30,148 (ALARM BLARING) 1160 01:03:46,865 --> 01:03:47,866 Hello? 1161 01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:52,504 I know you're in there. 1162 01:04:08,178 --> 01:04:10,476 Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. 1163 01:04:11,765 --> 01:04:14,018 Lonely at the top, eh? 1164 01:04:14,100 --> 01:04:16,068 They're moving us tomorrow. 1165 01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:20,319 Maybe I can get you out of here. 1166 01:04:21,524 --> 01:04:24,698 And we can make the whole world our bitch. 1167 01:04:26,529 --> 01:04:28,281 We need a secret code. 1168 01:04:30,241 --> 01:04:31,242 (IMITATES BIRD CALL) 1169 01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:33,954 (SOFTLY) No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot. 1170 01:04:36,122 --> 01:04:38,045 (RHYTHMIC BANGING) 1171 01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:40,001 (RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE) 1172 01:04:41,211 --> 01:04:42,713 We're a team. 1173 01:04:42,796 --> 01:04:44,719 We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. 1174 01:04:44,798 --> 01:04:46,766 I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube. 1175 01:04:48,468 --> 01:04:49,515 WEASEL: Supposedly, she can rap, too. 1176 01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:50,686 DEADPOOL: Yeah. 1177 01:04:50,762 --> 01:04:51,763 I like that. 1178 01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:53,268 Terrific, these are all terrific. 1179 01:04:53,515 --> 01:04:55,233 Meet Bedlam. 1180 01:04:55,308 --> 01:04:57,481 Cool name! Superpowers? 1181 01:04:57,602 --> 01:04:59,104 I can distort electrical fields. 1182 01:04:59,187 --> 01:05:00,279 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) 1183 01:05:00,355 --> 01:05:02,528 Including the one inside your brain... 1184 01:05:02,607 --> 01:05:05,281 causing anxiety, confusion... 1185 01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:06,452 pain. 1186 01:05:07,404 --> 01:05:09,452 So, basically, you're Dave Matthews. 1187 01:05:09,531 --> 01:05:10,703 We can use him. 1188 01:05:12,450 --> 01:05:13,997 I'm Zeitgeist. 1189 01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:15,412 Cool. I like it. 1190 01:05:15,495 --> 01:05:16,747 So you have the power 1191 01:05:16,830 --> 01:05:19,174 to put your finger on the pulse of society? 1192 01:05:20,208 --> 01:05:21,334 (STAMMERS) No. 1193 01:05:21,418 --> 01:05:22,965 No, I spit acidic vomit. (SNIFFS) 1194 01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:24,136 - Oh. - Do you want me 1195 01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:25,555 to demonstrate? - DEADPOOL: No! 1196 01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:26,973 WEASEL: We'll take your word for it. 1197 01:05:27,048 --> 01:05:28,516 Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay? 1198 01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:31,970 And this is the Vanisher. 1199 01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:36,307 But... 1200 01:05:37,475 --> 01:05:38,943 Vanisher! 1201 01:05:39,018 --> 01:05:40,565 (LAUGHS) 1202 01:05:41,479 --> 01:05:43,152 - Nice! - Right? 1203 01:05:44,441 --> 01:05:45,533 He's not here, is he? 1204 01:05:45,608 --> 01:05:47,155 He may be running late. 1205 01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:51,205 My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar. 1206 01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:52,831 BOTH: That's good, yeah. 1207 01:05:52,907 --> 01:05:55,001 - "Rusty" is terrible. - Toughie. 1208 01:05:55,076 --> 01:05:57,795 - So, uh, where are you from? - The planet Mojo World. 1209 01:05:57,954 --> 01:05:59,956 - So you're an alien, I guess. - Bad name. 1210 01:06:00,039 --> 01:06:01,666 How does that, uh, help us? 1211 01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:04,548 I'm basically better than you at everything. 1212 01:06:04,711 --> 01:06:06,384 Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people 1213 01:06:06,463 --> 01:06:08,010 that are worse than me at everything. 1214 01:06:08,089 --> 01:06:10,262 A whole bunch of functional idiots. 1215 01:06:10,341 --> 01:06:12,218 I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be their Superman. 1216 01:06:12,302 --> 01:06:13,394 Isn't that Canada? 1217 01:06:13,470 --> 01:06:15,893 You shut your goddamn trash mouth! 1218 01:06:17,056 --> 01:06:18,524 - WEASEL: Meet... - Domino. 1219 01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:20,318 - DEADPOOL: What's your shtick? - I'm lucky. 1220 01:06:20,685 --> 01:06:21,686 That's not a superpower. 1221 01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:23,146 - Yeah, it is. - No, it isn't. 1222 01:06:23,313 --> 01:06:24,530 - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. 1223 01:06:24,606 --> 01:06:25,607 - Yeah, it is. - No, it isn't. 1224 01:06:25,690 --> 01:06:26,691 - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. 1225 01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:27,775 - Yeah, it is. - Really isn't. 1226 01:06:27,859 --> 01:06:28,951 - No, it isn't. - Yes, it is. 1227 01:06:29,110 --> 01:06:30,111 Told you. 1228 01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:31,537 Get out of my head! 1229 01:06:31,696 --> 01:06:33,289 I'm not in your head. 1230 01:06:33,364 --> 01:06:34,581 I'm in an 11-year-old's bedroom. 1231 01:06:34,741 --> 01:06:35,867 Well, if you're so lucky, 1232 01:06:35,950 --> 01:06:37,497 then what are you doing here with us? 1233 01:06:37,577 --> 01:06:38,669 I don't know yet. 1234 01:06:38,745 --> 01:06:39,746 What's that supposed to mean? 1235 01:06:39,829 --> 01:06:41,547 There's a reason why I'm here, and I'll know when I know. 1236 01:06:41,623 --> 01:06:43,375 Everything usually just kind of works out for me. 1237 01:06:43,458 --> 01:06:45,301 Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds. 1238 01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:47,678 I don't know who that is. 1239 01:06:47,754 --> 01:06:48,926 DEADPOOL: You're hired. 1240 01:06:49,297 --> 01:06:50,298 Lucky me. 1241 01:06:50,381 --> 01:06:51,598 DEADPOOL: I like her! 1242 01:06:52,717 --> 01:06:54,014 And last, but not least... 1243 01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,219 Peter. 1244 01:06:56,596 --> 01:06:58,564 Am I getting catfished here or...? 1245 01:06:59,182 --> 01:07:01,059 Any powers you wanna tell us about? 1246 01:07:01,142 --> 01:07:02,234 PETER: No. 1247 01:07:02,769 --> 01:07:04,442 I don't have one. 1248 01:07:04,521 --> 01:07:05,818 Um, I just saw the ad. 1249 01:07:05,897 --> 01:07:07,615 No superpowers at all? 1250 01:07:07,690 --> 01:07:10,819 Uh, I have both Type 1 and 2 Diabetes. 1251 01:07:11,319 --> 01:07:12,616 Ow! Oh! 1252 01:07:12,695 --> 01:07:13,821 That's all the diabetes. 1253 01:07:13,905 --> 01:07:15,157 Right? Yeah, you got 'em all. 1254 01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:17,163 If you find a Type 3, let us know. 1255 01:07:17,659 --> 01:07:18,660 Yeah. 1256 01:07:18,743 --> 01:07:19,835 You're in. 1257 01:07:19,911 --> 01:07:21,413 - Yeah. - Fuck! 1258 01:07:23,790 --> 01:07:25,212 It's fulfilling work. 1259 01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:31,593 GUARD: Let's go! 1260 01:07:45,228 --> 01:07:47,777 GUARD: This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box. 1261 01:07:47,855 --> 01:07:49,232 We are en route. 1262 01:07:56,823 --> 01:07:59,201 CABLE: Peacetime makes people soft. 1263 01:08:00,785 --> 01:08:02,583 I was born into war. 1264 01:08:04,122 --> 01:08:05,294 Bred into it. 1265 01:08:06,416 --> 01:08:07,417 Okay. 1266 01:08:08,251 --> 01:08:10,595 What's the most pain you've ever felt? 1267 01:08:12,547 --> 01:08:13,764 These restraints are pretty... 1268 01:08:13,840 --> 01:08:15,262 People think they understand pain. 1269 01:08:15,758 --> 01:08:17,180 They have no concept of it 1270 01:08:17,260 --> 01:08:19,228 beyond their own worst experience. 1271 01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:23,979 5 years old. That's what? 1272 01:08:24,058 --> 01:08:25,560 A bee sting. 1273 01:08:25,643 --> 01:08:26,735 Oh, yeah. 1274 01:08:26,811 --> 01:08:29,314 20 years old, shrapnel. 1275 01:08:29,397 --> 01:08:31,695 40 years old, disease. 1276 01:08:32,150 --> 01:08:36,656 Maybe the kind that leaves you more machine than man. 1277 01:08:36,738 --> 01:08:38,115 Yeah, getting old's not for sissies. 1278 01:08:38,197 --> 01:08:39,790 That's what my Grandma Ginny used to... 1279 01:08:39,866 --> 01:08:41,083 I've got a list. 1280 01:08:41,826 --> 01:08:43,794 We're gonna work down it. 1281 01:08:44,495 --> 01:08:45,496 Together. 1282 01:08:46,664 --> 01:08:48,792 Number one, I'm gonna bend something. 1283 01:08:49,751 --> 01:08:52,049 Something that was not meant to bend. 1284 01:08:52,128 --> 01:08:53,175 I'm gonna stop you right there 1285 01:08:53,254 --> 01:08:54,551 because I'm not gonna make it to two. 1286 01:08:54,631 --> 01:08:55,928 I won't even make it to one. 1287 01:08:56,007 --> 01:08:57,680 I don't do well with pain, you know. 1288 01:08:57,759 --> 01:08:59,887 If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day. 1289 01:09:00,178 --> 01:09:02,180 I cried when they canceled Felicity. 1290 01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:04,395 When I get really scared, I get nervous erections. 1291 01:09:04,474 --> 01:09:05,817 I have one right now. 1292 01:09:05,892 --> 01:09:07,439 Don't look. It'll only make it worse. 1293 01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:08,565 I don't want you to hurt me, 1294 01:09:08,645 --> 01:09:10,898 and I'll tell you anything you wanna know. 1295 01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:13,483 Except for where they are. 1296 01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,284 Russell's in a convoy heading southbound 1297 01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:16,577 on Gerry Duggan Parkway. 1298 01:09:16,653 --> 01:09:18,075 The monster's with them. I wouldn't fuck with him. 1299 01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:19,576 DEADPOOL: You all know the plan. 1300 01:09:19,656 --> 01:09:21,374 Intercept the convoy, 1301 01:09:21,449 --> 01:09:23,417 grab the boy. But not inappropriately! 1302 01:09:23,493 --> 01:09:24,494 WEASEL: You know what, 1303 01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:25,669 I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. 1304 01:09:25,745 --> 01:09:28,544 Because he's built a team. He's unstoppable. 1305 01:09:28,623 --> 01:09:31,297 He has an ass pen. He'll stab you with it. 1306 01:09:31,376 --> 01:09:33,970 Watch out for this guy, Cable! 1307 01:09:34,045 --> 01:09:37,174 He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics. 1308 01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,014 And if we succeed, we all go home early. 1309 01:09:40,468 --> 01:09:42,266 WEASEL: So if you go after them, Cable, I warn you... 1310 01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:44,855 there's a wind advisory in effect. 1311 01:09:49,519 --> 01:09:51,237 (WIND HOWLING) 1312 01:09:56,192 --> 01:09:57,785 PILOT: (ON PA) A little turbulent up here. 1313 01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,953 I don't know much about this Cable fella... 1314 01:10:07,036 --> 01:10:08,379 but I guarantee he hasn't killed 1315 01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:10,206 as many people as melanoma has. 1316 01:10:11,582 --> 01:10:12,674 We're getting close! 1317 01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,669 As a former X-Man... 1318 01:10:14,752 --> 01:10:16,629 - Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam. 1319 01:10:16,713 --> 01:10:19,057 I was always appalled by the blatant sexism 1320 01:10:19,132 --> 01:10:20,679 in the group's name. 1321 01:10:20,758 --> 01:10:22,760 X-Men! Men! 1322 01:10:22,844 --> 01:10:25,814 The point is, our group will be forward thinking. 1323 01:10:25,888 --> 01:10:27,185 Gender neutral. 1324 01:10:27,265 --> 01:10:29,563 From now on, we'll be known as... 1325 01:10:31,811 --> 01:10:33,154 X-Force. 1326 01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:34,947 Isn't that a little derivative? 1327 01:10:35,022 --> 01:10:37,445 I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter! 1328 01:10:38,693 --> 01:10:40,161 That wasn't me. 1329 01:10:47,201 --> 01:10:49,499 Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet... 1330 01:10:49,579 --> 01:10:51,377 intercept the convoy, and grab the boy. 1331 01:10:51,456 --> 01:10:52,503 Let's bring on the carnage, baby! 1332 01:10:52,582 --> 01:10:54,425 Get me on the ground, watch me go! 1333 01:10:54,500 --> 01:10:55,501 ALL: Yeah! 1334 01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:57,337 (ALL WHOOPING) I can't wait to kill! 1335 01:10:57,420 --> 01:10:59,093 Hey! Hey! Hey! 1336 01:11:00,214 --> 01:11:02,012 I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. 1337 01:11:02,925 --> 01:11:05,769 You know, you guys look amazing! 1338 01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:08,689 Vanisher, I have no doubt you look amazing too. 1339 01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:09,812 This is the family 1340 01:11:09,891 --> 01:11:11,359 that I've always dreamed of having and I... 1341 01:11:12,393 --> 01:11:13,440 Ah, shit. 1342 01:11:13,519 --> 01:11:14,611 (SNIFFLES) 1343 01:11:15,062 --> 01:11:16,735 I just get a little choked up sometimes. 1344 01:11:16,814 --> 01:11:18,612 I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous 1345 01:11:18,691 --> 01:11:20,034 about the high winds? 1346 01:11:20,109 --> 01:11:21,406 - Gary. - My name's Peter. 1347 01:11:21,486 --> 01:11:23,363 I realize that you're new to this, but relax. 1348 01:11:23,446 --> 01:11:24,868 You've been chosen by a higher power. 1349 01:11:25,156 --> 01:11:27,409 - Did he just call himself God? - I think he did. 1350 01:11:27,492 --> 01:11:29,039 - I'd like to go home. - And I'd like... 1351 01:11:29,118 --> 01:11:31,587 the McRib to be available year round, 1352 01:11:31,662 --> 01:11:33,460 but sometimes dreams don't come true. 1353 01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:35,667 I spent 10 years in Special Forces. 1354 01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:36,842 You think we didn't jump out of the plane 1355 01:11:36,918 --> 01:11:38,295 because of a light breeze? 1356 01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:41,173 You're in this shit now, Mustache! 1357 01:11:41,255 --> 01:11:43,178 (WHISPERS) I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. 1358 01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:45,180 I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. 1359 01:11:45,635 --> 01:11:47,763 Leonard, hit it! 1360 01:11:47,845 --> 01:11:49,688 (ALARM BLARING) ("THUNDERSTRUCK" PLAYING) 1361 01:11:56,521 --> 01:11:58,569 Go! Go! Go! 1362 01:12:01,609 --> 01:12:03,111 (MAN SINGING) 1363 01:12:34,267 --> 01:12:35,644 Let's get some! 1364 01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:36,852 Whoo! 1365 01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:38,062 Oh, yeah! 1366 01:12:38,145 --> 01:12:40,989 Convoy, 12 o'clock! On my command! 1367 01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:43,492 Deploy! Oh, hey now! 1368 01:12:43,568 --> 01:12:44,820 Whoa! 1369 01:12:50,074 --> 01:12:51,997 Little off course here. 1370 01:12:53,077 --> 01:12:54,078 (GROANS) 1371 01:12:54,161 --> 01:12:57,005 Holy mommy fucking shit! 1372 01:12:57,748 --> 01:12:59,170 Ah, there they are. 1373 01:12:59,250 --> 01:13:02,345 Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches. (BLOWS KISS) 1374 01:13:02,879 --> 01:13:04,802 Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam! 1375 01:13:06,424 --> 01:13:07,926 (BEDLAM GRUNTS) (ALL GASP) 1376 01:13:08,009 --> 01:13:09,181 (GASPING DRAMATICALLY) 1377 01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:13,811 No! Tripping motherfucking billies! 1378 01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:17,318 Shatterstar. Okay, you got this. 1379 01:13:18,060 --> 01:13:20,483 Left! 1380 01:13:20,563 --> 01:13:22,782 You'd have to be insane to take off in this. 1381 01:13:22,857 --> 01:13:25,076 No, stage left, you idiot! 1382 01:13:25,818 --> 01:13:27,365 (GASPS) 1383 01:13:28,988 --> 01:13:30,490 Well, I guess we found something 1384 01:13:30,573 --> 01:13:31,665 you're not better at. 1385 01:13:33,868 --> 01:13:35,165 Vanisher. 1386 01:13:35,244 --> 01:13:36,996 Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see. 1387 01:13:38,539 --> 01:13:40,041 (GRUNTING) 1388 01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:41,546 Oh! Really? 1389 01:13:41,626 --> 01:13:43,424 All right, we could do this with four. 1390 01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:46,973 Sugarbear. You got this, buddy! 1391 01:13:47,048 --> 01:13:49,176 That's the stuff! That's the X-Force spirit! 1392 01:13:50,384 --> 01:13:52,432 Never underestimate a man with a mustache! 1393 01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:54,013 Just ask anyone in Brooklyn. 1394 01:13:54,096 --> 01:13:55,268 (WHOOPS) We did it! 1395 01:13:55,348 --> 01:13:56,850 You're a goddamn superhero, you! 1396 01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,025 X-Force! 1397 01:13:58,643 --> 01:13:59,735 X-Force. 1398 01:14:01,938 --> 01:14:02,939 (SCREAMING) 1399 01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:04,023 (WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING) 1400 01:14:04,106 --> 01:14:05,983 - (GASPS) - Oh! 1401 01:14:06,984 --> 01:14:08,110 (EXHALES) 1402 01:14:09,695 --> 01:14:10,696 Peter. 1403 01:14:10,780 --> 01:14:11,781 PETER: I got you, buddy! 1404 01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:12,911 - You're gonna be fine! - This is not good, man! 1405 01:14:12,990 --> 01:14:15,618 You got this, big guy! Here we go, Peter! 1406 01:14:15,701 --> 01:14:17,123 Look at me. We're X-Force, right? 1407 01:14:17,203 --> 01:14:19,331 - Yeah, we're X-Force. - We're X-Force. 1408 01:14:23,376 --> 01:14:25,378 Oh, my God! What the fuck? 1409 01:14:25,461 --> 01:14:27,429 - Fucking acidic vomit! - (SCREAMS) 1410 01:14:27,505 --> 01:14:28,927 (WHIRRING) 1411 01:14:29,006 --> 01:14:31,759 Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask. 1412 01:14:31,842 --> 01:14:33,094 (EXHALES) 1413 01:14:34,887 --> 01:14:37,265 DOMINO: Okay, I'm over the convoy. 1414 01:14:37,348 --> 01:14:39,191 Where did the rest of the team land? 1415 01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:41,436 Good news and bad news. 1416 01:14:41,519 --> 01:14:44,614 Bad news is the whole team is dead. 1417 01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:45,781 The good news is, 1418 01:14:45,856 --> 01:14:47,824 I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. 1419 01:14:47,900 --> 01:14:51,200 He was a bit of a prick. Oh, but Paul! 1420 01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:52,279 DOMINO: Peter! 1421 01:14:52,363 --> 01:14:53,785 Peter, I'm gonna miss him most. 1422 01:14:53,864 --> 01:14:54,956 But there is a slight chance 1423 01:14:55,032 --> 01:14:56,375 Vanisher could make it. 1424 01:14:56,450 --> 01:14:58,999 (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Nope, no chance. He's dead. 1425 01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,250 DOMINO: The whole team? 1426 01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:02,127 Only the main ones. We're still good. 1427 01:15:02,206 --> 01:15:03,458 Fuck, you are dumb. 1428 01:15:03,541 --> 01:15:05,134 Whoever planned this stunt's 1429 01:15:05,209 --> 01:15:07,382 been smoking a lot jazz cabbage. 1430 01:15:07,461 --> 01:15:08,553 I'll tell you that much. 1431 01:15:08,629 --> 01:15:10,256 That's pretty obvious! 1432 01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:12,057 Looking good, Vanisher. 1433 01:15:21,892 --> 01:15:23,769 They're headed into the tunnel. 1434 01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:26,192 I'm that kid's only hope, 1435 01:15:26,272 --> 01:15:28,149 so sit tight and wait for my word. 1436 01:15:28,899 --> 01:15:29,900 DOMINO: Whatever. 1437 01:15:29,984 --> 01:15:31,156 We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in. 1438 01:15:31,235 --> 01:15:34,159 DEADPOOL: Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. 1439 01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:36,741 Luck is not a superpower! We are so fucked! 1440 01:15:36,824 --> 01:15:39,873 No, we most certainly are not fucked. 1441 01:15:39,952 --> 01:15:41,329 (CARS HORNS HONKING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1442 01:15:42,997 --> 01:15:45,625 DEADPOOL: Seriously, I don't get it! 1443 01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:48,177 What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes? 1444 01:15:50,337 --> 01:15:52,135 It's just it's hard to picture. 1445 01:15:52,214 --> 01:15:54,342 And certainly not very cinematic. 1446 01:15:57,011 --> 01:15:58,604 I mean, luck? 1447 01:15:58,679 --> 01:16:01,182 What coked out, glass pipe-sucking 1448 01:16:01,265 --> 01:16:02,608 freakshow comic book artist... 1449 01:16:02,683 --> 01:16:04,276 came up with that little chestnut? 1450 01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:06,649 Probably a guy who can't draw feet! 1451 01:16:17,740 --> 01:16:20,994 Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. 1452 01:16:21,077 --> 01:16:22,249 It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act. 1453 01:16:22,328 --> 01:16:23,329 - Wander the Earth... - I'm in. 1454 01:16:23,412 --> 01:16:24,880 I'm sorry, what did you say? 1455 01:16:24,955 --> 01:16:26,047 I'm in. 1456 01:16:26,123 --> 01:16:28,000 How in the fuck are you in already? 1457 01:16:28,459 --> 01:16:29,711 Oh, shit. 1458 01:16:30,294 --> 01:16:31,511 It's Cable. 12 o'clock. 1459 01:16:31,587 --> 01:16:32,634 DEADPOOL: Okay. 1460 01:16:32,713 --> 01:16:35,136 New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers 1461 01:16:35,216 --> 01:16:37,935 to stop Cable from killing that kid. 1462 01:16:38,010 --> 01:16:39,637 I'm coming up on your six. 1463 01:16:47,895 --> 01:16:49,897 That gun is amazing! 1464 01:16:49,980 --> 01:16:52,074 (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) 1465 01:16:59,073 --> 01:17:00,996 MAN: Hey! Asshole! 1466 01:17:01,158 --> 01:17:02,751 DOMINO: Where is he? I can't see him. 1467 01:17:02,827 --> 01:17:04,329 DEADPOOL: He's on top of you. 1468 01:17:04,620 --> 01:17:06,088 He's tearing you open! 1469 01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:07,961 He's going in through the back! 1470 01:17:08,499 --> 01:17:09,591 Oh, God, he's inside! 1471 01:17:09,667 --> 01:17:10,919 You hear yourself, right? 1472 01:17:11,001 --> 01:17:12,423 DEADPOOL: Accidental double entendres! 1473 01:17:12,503 --> 01:17:14,972 Russell! Russell Collins! 1474 01:17:15,047 --> 01:17:16,970 DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid, John Connor! 1475 01:17:21,971 --> 01:17:22,972 No, no, no! 1476 01:17:27,309 --> 01:17:28,435 Shit! 1477 01:17:29,145 --> 01:17:30,146 (PRISONER SCREAMING) 1478 01:17:32,064 --> 01:17:33,065 (GRUNTS) 1479 01:17:40,906 --> 01:17:41,907 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 1480 01:17:50,374 --> 01:17:52,297 DEADPOOL: Two can play that game! 1481 01:17:54,420 --> 01:17:56,263 Got it! No, I don't. 1482 01:17:57,256 --> 01:17:58,257 Showtime, mama! 1483 01:17:58,340 --> 01:17:59,967 Lady Luck, take the wheel. 1484 01:18:08,267 --> 01:18:09,393 (GUN CLICKS) 1485 01:18:15,983 --> 01:18:16,984 (GROANS) 1486 01:18:33,459 --> 01:18:34,460 (HORNS HONKING) 1487 01:18:35,294 --> 01:18:36,295 (DOMINO GRUNTING) 1488 01:18:37,713 --> 01:18:39,465 I'd ask who you are, but you'll be dead in a second. 1489 01:18:39,632 --> 01:18:41,680 I'm Domino, and doubtful. 1490 01:18:41,759 --> 01:18:43,227 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1491 01:18:58,275 --> 01:18:59,276 Hang in there, Doms! 1492 01:19:00,611 --> 01:19:02,238 Oh, this is really hard. 1493 01:19:02,321 --> 01:19:03,538 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1494 01:19:13,415 --> 01:19:14,416 (GUNSHOT) 1495 01:19:14,500 --> 01:19:15,922 And give me back my Skee-Ball token. 1496 01:19:19,463 --> 01:19:21,010 - You're doing great. - X-Force. 1497 01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:24,969 I guess dubstep never dies. 1498 01:19:25,052 --> 01:19:26,645 ("BANGARANG" PLAYING) 1499 01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:30,312 Whoo! 1500 01:19:31,517 --> 01:19:32,689 (LAUGHING) 1501 01:19:34,561 --> 01:19:35,858 (BLACK TOM GROANS) 1502 01:19:35,938 --> 01:19:36,939 (DEADPOOL GASPS) 1503 01:19:37,189 --> 01:19:39,988 You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch! 1504 01:19:40,985 --> 01:19:42,032 (GROWLS) 1505 01:19:42,778 --> 01:19:43,904 That's unfortunate. 1506 01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:48,284 We got no brakes! 1507 01:19:48,450 --> 01:19:49,702 (STRAINING) Figure it out! 1508 01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:51,874 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1509 01:19:54,081 --> 01:19:55,628 There's nothing I can't kill. 1510 01:19:58,419 --> 01:20:00,922 Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin used to say... 1511 01:20:01,005 --> 01:20:03,349 "There's a first time for everything, son." 1512 01:20:05,050 --> 01:20:06,643 Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy. 1513 01:20:19,106 --> 01:20:20,699 (PANTING) 1514 01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:23,406 Those bullets were, like, super fast. 1515 01:20:23,986 --> 01:20:24,987 Here we go. 1516 01:20:26,071 --> 01:20:28,290 Domino, mind slowing us down? 1517 01:20:28,365 --> 01:20:30,459 (SIGHS) Here goes nothing. 1518 01:20:30,534 --> 01:20:31,831 (HORN HONKING) 1519 01:20:33,704 --> 01:20:35,172 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1520 01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:40,002 (HONKING) 1521 01:21:01,648 --> 01:21:03,400 MAN: Knock, knock. 1522 01:21:09,948 --> 01:21:10,949 That's my boy. 1523 01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:12,330 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1524 01:21:17,373 --> 01:21:18,545 Holy... 1525 01:21:18,624 --> 01:21:19,625 (GRUNTS) 1526 01:21:23,462 --> 01:21:24,884 ("ONLY TIME" PLAYING) 1527 01:21:27,257 --> 01:21:28,759 (YELLING) 1528 01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:30,435 DEADPOOL: I'll be first to admit... 1529 01:21:30,511 --> 01:21:32,889 this did not go according to plan. 1530 01:21:34,223 --> 01:21:35,770 I'll also be the first to admit that 1531 01:21:35,849 --> 01:21:37,692 that plan was written in crayon. 1532 01:21:37,768 --> 01:21:40,988 Looks like Russell found a new friend. Jelly. 1533 01:21:41,063 --> 01:21:42,610 Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass, 1534 01:21:42,689 --> 01:21:45,568 and maybe, possibly mildly lucky. 1535 01:21:45,651 --> 01:21:48,905 But Cable? Ugh. That guy's in a mood. 1536 01:21:48,987 --> 01:21:50,159 (CHUCKLES) A mood that is 1537 01:21:50,239 --> 01:21:52,037 about to get significantly worse. 1538 01:21:53,659 --> 01:21:54,706 (SQUEAKS) 1539 01:21:58,372 --> 01:21:59,498 (SIGHS) 1540 01:22:12,010 --> 01:22:13,853 (GROANS) 1541 01:22:15,806 --> 01:22:18,229 Something is so terribly, terribly wrong. 1542 01:22:21,186 --> 01:22:22,654 Oh. (NECK SNAPS) 1543 01:22:23,105 --> 01:22:24,357 (GROANS) 1544 01:22:24,440 --> 01:22:26,067 Oh, God, that hurt. 1545 01:22:26,150 --> 01:22:27,777 Suck it, Mel Gibson. 1546 01:22:28,318 --> 01:22:29,695 (GROANING) 1547 01:22:31,321 --> 01:22:32,413 Russell. 1548 01:22:35,117 --> 01:22:36,209 Russell! 1549 01:22:36,827 --> 01:22:38,921 Russ, where are ya? 1550 01:22:42,541 --> 01:22:44,635 Russell. Russell, you're okay! 1551 01:22:44,793 --> 01:22:47,967 Oh, thank God. Oh, my God! 1552 01:22:48,255 --> 01:22:49,472 Juggernaut! 1553 01:22:49,631 --> 01:22:50,723 (GASPS) 1554 01:22:50,799 --> 01:22:52,801 I thought that was you! 1555 01:22:52,885 --> 01:22:54,979 I should've worn my white pants. 1556 01:22:55,721 --> 01:22:58,725 You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. 1557 01:22:59,600 --> 01:23:02,900 Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411. 1558 01:23:02,978 --> 01:23:04,275 X-Men Unlimited 12. 1559 01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:06,448 You know, it has always been a dream of mine... 1560 01:23:06,523 --> 01:23:08,275 to see my face reflected in your helmet... 1561 01:23:08,358 --> 01:23:10,531 as you charge at me with murderous intent. 1562 01:23:10,611 --> 01:23:12,113 I don't mean right now. 1563 01:23:12,446 --> 01:23:14,323 I'm gonna rip you in half now. 1564 01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:16,750 (LAUGHS) That is such a Juggernaut thing to say. 1565 01:23:16,825 --> 01:23:18,168 (DEADPOOL SCREAMING) 1566 01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:24,834 Oh, my God! I can't feel my legs. 1567 01:23:24,917 --> 01:23:26,009 I can't feel... 1568 01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:28,462 Oh, no, they're right here. 1569 01:23:29,296 --> 01:23:31,048 Got 'em. God, Russell. 1570 01:23:31,131 --> 01:23:32,974 I have a mission. 1571 01:23:33,509 --> 01:23:34,635 To get my revenge. 1572 01:23:35,135 --> 01:23:37,388 I'm going to burn that headmaster alive. 1573 01:23:37,471 --> 01:23:39,644 You're not the revenge type. 1574 01:23:39,723 --> 01:23:40,895 Take it from a friend. 1575 01:23:41,308 --> 01:23:45,029 Friend? You were sick, and I protected you. 1576 01:23:45,187 --> 01:23:47,315 You said it yourself. 1577 01:23:47,397 --> 01:23:50,071 "I'm not your friend. Find someone stronger." 1578 01:23:50,150 --> 01:23:51,367 So I did. 1579 01:23:51,610 --> 01:23:53,032 (GRUNTS) 1580 01:23:53,111 --> 01:23:55,159 Russell, I couldn't protect you back then. 1581 01:23:55,322 --> 01:23:58,792 But I can now. What do you want me to say, huh? 1582 01:23:59,368 --> 01:24:01,211 "I care about you"? 'Cause goddamn it, 1583 01:24:01,286 --> 01:24:03,129 I care about you, Russell. 1584 01:24:03,747 --> 01:24:05,841 What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? 1585 01:24:05,916 --> 01:24:09,090 Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs! 1586 01:24:09,628 --> 01:24:12,427 - Legs! - Still hurts to hear out loud! 1587 01:24:14,591 --> 01:24:17,515 What is that? That's not a real rope! 1588 01:24:17,594 --> 01:24:19,938 You get back here, young man! (SIRENS WAILING) 1589 01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:22,015 Doms! 1590 01:24:22,391 --> 01:24:24,564 Doms, get me out of here, please. 1591 01:24:24,643 --> 01:24:27,066 Use my arms as backpack straps. 1592 01:24:29,773 --> 01:24:30,865 I think we may have found 1593 01:24:30,941 --> 01:24:32,739 your cosmic reason for being here. 1594 01:24:33,151 --> 01:24:34,903 I'm pretty sure this isn't it. 1595 01:24:34,987 --> 01:24:36,239 DEADPOOL: X-Force. 1596 01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:51,549 BLIND AL: No child is hopeless. 1597 01:24:51,628 --> 01:24:54,427 - Don't give up on the boy. - How could he just walk away? 1598 01:24:55,173 --> 01:24:57,426 It was the coldness in his eyes. 1599 01:24:57,884 --> 01:24:59,477 You should've heard it. 1600 01:25:00,262 --> 01:25:01,309 (WADE SIGHS) 1601 01:25:01,388 --> 01:25:03,686 I guess family really is an F-word. 1602 01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:06,773 (GROANS) Rub my legs, Mama. 1603 01:25:06,852 --> 01:25:08,229 Why would I rub your legs? 1604 01:25:08,312 --> 01:25:10,906 Please, they hurt. I have growing pains. 1605 01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:12,616 (BLIND AL SIGHS) 1606 01:25:14,359 --> 01:25:15,576 What in the... 1607 01:25:16,069 --> 01:25:18,322 Why is your hand so tiny again? 1608 01:25:18,822 --> 01:25:20,199 That's not my hand. 1609 01:25:20,699 --> 01:25:22,542 Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph! 1610 01:25:23,118 --> 01:25:24,995 - That was nice for me. - (DOOR OPENS) 1611 01:25:25,078 --> 01:25:27,831 Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy and... 1612 01:25:27,914 --> 01:25:28,961 (GASPS) 1613 01:25:30,584 --> 01:25:31,676 (WEASEL RETCHES) 1614 01:25:32,336 --> 01:25:34,179 Why wouldn't you cover that up? 1615 01:25:34,671 --> 01:25:36,844 A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. 1616 01:25:36,923 --> 01:25:38,846 WEASEL: Yeah, but you do. Look at you. 1617 01:25:38,925 --> 01:25:40,927 You're just straight shirt-cocking it, 1618 01:25:41,011 --> 01:25:42,433 toddler-style. 1619 01:25:42,512 --> 01:25:44,435 Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh. 1620 01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:46,482 The hell's happening? Describe it. 1621 01:25:46,558 --> 01:25:47,775 I wouldn't ask him to do that, if I were you. 1622 01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:49,444 - WEASEL: It's like, um... - Here we go. 1623 01:25:49,519 --> 01:25:50,736 It's like he was giving birth anally, 1624 01:25:50,812 --> 01:25:52,314 but they quit halfway through. 1625 01:25:52,397 --> 01:25:53,489 They got the legs out, and they said, 1626 01:25:53,565 --> 01:25:54,908 "You know what, I'm done." 1627 01:25:54,983 --> 01:25:55,984 Happy? 1628 01:25:56,068 --> 01:25:57,115 It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down. 1629 01:25:57,194 --> 01:25:58,537 But this time, you can see 1630 01:25:58,612 --> 01:26:00,034 the Muppet's dick. (DOOR OPENS) 1631 01:26:00,113 --> 01:26:01,239 Grover's got a cock the size of a twig. 1632 01:26:01,323 --> 01:26:02,620 DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can no longer be double-parked. 1633 01:26:02,699 --> 01:26:04,372 I've had three tickets already. (SCREAMS) 1634 01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:08,463 No, no, no, DP, not again! 1635 01:26:08,789 --> 01:26:10,336 This has happened before? (DOPINDER RETCHING) 1636 01:26:11,458 --> 01:26:12,880 (DOOR OPENS) Jesus! Either vomit or don't. 1637 01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:14,256 The indecision is killing me. 1638 01:26:14,336 --> 01:26:16,213 Why couldn't God take my hearing? 1639 01:26:17,798 --> 01:26:19,971 Oh. Wow! 1640 01:26:20,050 --> 01:26:21,677 Cool your pits. They're growing back. 1641 01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:23,353 I'm talking about your face. 1642 01:26:23,762 --> 01:26:25,639 I've never seen you without your mask before. 1643 01:26:25,722 --> 01:26:27,895 - Jesus Christ! - Looks like an avocado. 1644 01:26:27,974 --> 01:26:29,601 DOMINO: Your legs, though, they're cute. 1645 01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,733 You wanna borrow a pair of pants? 1646 01:26:33,313 --> 01:26:34,860 I'm glad everybody dropped by. 1647 01:26:34,940 --> 01:26:37,238 You must be wondering why I didn't call you here. 1648 01:26:37,693 --> 01:26:39,286 I'll tell you why I'm here. 1649 01:26:39,361 --> 01:26:41,659 "The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband... 1650 01:26:41,738 --> 01:26:42,910 beat me within an inch of my life. 1651 01:26:42,989 --> 01:26:44,241 He was torturing me! 1652 01:26:44,324 --> 01:26:47,248 But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. 1653 01:26:47,327 --> 01:26:49,500 So, I'm here to help us gear up. 1654 01:26:49,996 --> 01:26:51,122 So we can go after him without me. 1655 01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:52,207 WADE: No! 1656 01:26:52,624 --> 01:26:53,967 I'm doing this alone. 1657 01:26:54,042 --> 01:26:55,134 The Juggernaut 1658 01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:56,382 will kill you all. - Fair enough. 1659 01:26:56,461 --> 01:26:58,509 WADE: I just need a couple of hours to get some legs 1660 01:26:58,588 --> 01:26:59,680 under me. - What will you do? 1661 01:26:59,756 --> 01:27:01,053 WADE: I don't care what the kid did to me. 1662 01:27:01,133 --> 01:27:02,430 I ain't letting Cable get to him, 1663 01:27:02,509 --> 01:27:03,806 even if I have to teabag him to death. 1664 01:27:03,885 --> 01:27:05,887 It's really just a sip of tea at this point. 1665 01:27:05,971 --> 01:27:07,723 Zip it, black Black Widow! I'm flowing. 1666 01:27:07,806 --> 01:27:08,807 The first order of business is 1667 01:27:08,890 --> 01:27:09,982 to get me in front of Cable... 1668 01:27:10,058 --> 01:27:11,685 so I can pull all the fucking blood out of his body... 1669 01:27:11,768 --> 01:27:14,112 and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. 1670 01:27:14,187 --> 01:27:15,939 Then, I'm gonna take his skin... 1671 01:27:16,022 --> 01:27:19,117 and stretch it out over a homemade mating drum. 1672 01:27:20,694 --> 01:27:22,287 He's standing right behind you, isn't he? 1673 01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:26,700 (COCKS GUN) 1674 01:27:30,954 --> 01:27:32,706 What in the ass? 1675 01:27:32,998 --> 01:27:36,093 Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr? 1676 01:27:36,376 --> 01:27:38,925 You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy. 1677 01:27:39,463 --> 01:27:42,012 Ugh. Is that really necessary? 1678 01:27:44,259 --> 01:27:46,933 No. It's his "Basic Instinct." 1679 01:27:47,095 --> 01:27:48,142 What can we help you with? 1680 01:27:48,847 --> 01:27:50,520 I'm here to proposition you. 1681 01:27:52,017 --> 01:27:53,109 (LAUGHS) Oh, boy! 1682 01:27:53,185 --> 01:27:54,186 He's really teeing it up, isn't he? 1683 01:27:54,269 --> 01:27:56,363 Who gets to make the first joke? 1684 01:27:56,438 --> 01:27:57,735 I think we should all do it at the same time. 1685 01:27:57,814 --> 01:27:58,815 Good call. 1686 01:27:58,899 --> 01:28:00,446 For $45, you get sucky-suck. 1687 01:28:00,525 --> 01:28:01,697 BOTH: I only do over the pants, mouth stuff. 1688 01:28:01,777 --> 01:28:02,869 Fuck! 1689 01:28:02,944 --> 01:28:03,991 The Proposition has a wonderful 1690 01:28:04,070 --> 01:28:05,071 Guy Pearce performance. 1691 01:28:05,155 --> 01:28:06,907 WADE: Wait, wait, wait! I wanna do mine over. 1692 01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:09,334 - Give us the line again. - I need your help! 1693 01:28:09,868 --> 01:28:12,166 Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are... 1694 01:28:12,245 --> 01:28:14,873 but you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt! 1695 01:28:15,415 --> 01:28:17,668 I can't bring him down alone. 1696 01:28:17,834 --> 01:28:19,381 So here we are. 1697 01:28:20,712 --> 01:28:22,464 We're no longer accepting applications 1698 01:28:22,547 --> 01:28:23,924 for X-Force, unfortunately. 1699 01:28:24,007 --> 01:28:25,429 Even if we were... 1700 01:28:25,509 --> 01:28:27,136 there's a wind advisory in effect until at least... 1701 01:28:27,219 --> 01:28:28,391 We don't have a lot of time. 1702 01:28:28,470 --> 01:28:30,222 Your friend's about to make his first kill. 1703 01:28:30,305 --> 01:28:31,773 No offense, but if you know so much... 1704 01:28:31,848 --> 01:28:34,192 why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? 1705 01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:35,769 Or better yet, head back a little further, 1706 01:28:35,852 --> 01:28:36,853 kill baby Hitler. 1707 01:28:36,937 --> 01:28:38,905 I use a device to slide through time. 1708 01:28:38,980 --> 01:28:41,608 The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. 1709 01:28:41,691 --> 01:28:44,285 I got two charges: one to get me here, 1710 01:28:44,361 --> 01:28:45,487 one to get me home. 1711 01:28:45,570 --> 01:28:46,696 Well. 1712 01:28:46,780 --> 01:28:48,657 That's just lazy writing. 1713 01:28:48,740 --> 01:28:49,957 Your boy's gonna kill the headmaster 1714 01:28:50,033 --> 01:28:51,580 of the orphanage tonight. 1715 01:28:51,660 --> 01:28:53,754 After that, he gets a real taste for it. 1716 01:28:53,829 --> 01:28:56,548 Like 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker! 1717 01:28:56,623 --> 01:28:58,591 So he keeps killing... 1718 01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:00,135 and killing, and killing, 1719 01:29:00,210 --> 01:29:01,427 and killing. (GUNS COCKING) 1720 01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:04,973 Until one day, he kills the wrong fucking people. 1721 01:29:07,551 --> 01:29:08,928 My people. 1722 01:29:12,848 --> 01:29:13,974 Relax. 1723 01:29:14,057 --> 01:29:16,526 I'm retrieving something from my utility bag. 1724 01:29:16,601 --> 01:29:19,150 It's a goddamn fanny pack... 1725 01:29:19,229 --> 01:29:21,778 and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! 1726 01:29:21,857 --> 01:29:23,530 The difference is night and day. 1727 01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:27,488 You remind me of my wife. 1728 01:29:27,654 --> 01:29:28,780 I'm sorry. 1729 01:29:29,197 --> 01:29:30,244 I said, "You remind me of my wife." 1730 01:29:30,323 --> 01:29:31,620 No, I'm sorry that you said that... 1731 01:29:31,700 --> 01:29:34,453 while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm. 1732 01:29:34,536 --> 01:29:35,708 CABLE: She always struggled. 1733 01:29:36,830 --> 01:29:38,252 But she was funny... 1734 01:29:38,331 --> 01:29:40,834 and filtered her pain through the prism of humor. 1735 01:29:41,710 --> 01:29:43,929 Something I could never master. 1736 01:29:44,838 --> 01:29:47,057 It was my fault she died. 1737 01:29:48,675 --> 01:29:51,349 It was my job to stop people like him. 1738 01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:54,355 I came close a few times. ("TOMORROW" PLAYING) 1739 01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:00,233 He wasn't too happy about that. 1740 01:30:01,938 --> 01:30:03,064 He was trying to hurt me... 1741 01:30:03,148 --> 01:30:05,116 and he knew exactly how to do it. 1742 01:30:09,154 --> 01:30:10,827 OLDER RUSSELL: Blessed are the wicked 1743 01:30:10,906 --> 01:30:12,499 who are healed by my hand. 1744 01:30:15,619 --> 01:30:17,041 CABLE: He came into my home... 1745 01:30:17,996 --> 01:30:20,875 and took the only thing that made it a home. 1746 01:30:25,086 --> 01:30:26,463 Sound familiar? 1747 01:30:27,505 --> 01:30:29,098 - I'm sorry. - Uh-huh. 1748 01:30:29,174 --> 01:30:30,847 No, I'm really sorry. 1749 01:30:33,053 --> 01:30:35,181 But that isn't Russell. 1750 01:30:35,263 --> 01:30:37,106 - It doesn't have to be him. - If you knew what I knew... 1751 01:30:37,182 --> 01:30:39,184 Yeah, he's got anger issues... 1752 01:30:39,267 --> 01:30:40,769 maybe a small learning disability... 1753 01:30:40,852 --> 01:30:42,229 splash of diabetes... 1754 01:30:42,312 --> 01:30:43,609 but nothing that can't be fixed. 1755 01:30:43,688 --> 01:30:45,315 If you could go back... 1756 01:30:45,398 --> 01:30:48,072 and stop the people that took your girl, would you? 1757 01:30:48,360 --> 01:30:49,577 No. 1758 01:30:49,653 --> 01:30:51,371 I'd buy them all a bouquet of hand jobs. 1759 01:30:51,446 --> 01:30:53,198 Of course I fucking would! 1760 01:30:53,949 --> 01:30:55,041 But I wouldn't kill a kid. 1761 01:30:55,116 --> 01:30:57,118 I'm not asking you to kill a kid! 1762 01:30:57,202 --> 01:30:58,749 I'll kill the kid. 1763 01:30:58,828 --> 01:31:02,298 I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. 1764 01:31:02,374 --> 01:31:04,672 Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage. 1765 01:31:04,751 --> 01:31:06,753 And I can imagine your dead girlfriend... 1766 01:31:06,836 --> 01:31:09,089 would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? 1767 01:31:10,090 --> 01:31:12,684 So, what's it gonna be, handsome? 1768 01:31:13,343 --> 01:31:15,016 Give me a chance to save him. 1769 01:31:15,095 --> 01:31:16,517 - What? - You said... 1770 01:31:16,596 --> 01:31:18,189 once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. 1771 01:31:18,264 --> 01:31:20,608 If we can get to him before that happens... 1772 01:31:20,684 --> 01:31:22,311 promise you'll give me a chance 1773 01:31:22,394 --> 01:31:24,192 to put him on a different path. 1774 01:31:24,270 --> 01:31:25,442 Define "chance." 1775 01:31:25,522 --> 01:31:26,694 I don't know. How long does it take 1776 01:31:26,773 --> 01:31:28,070 to save someone's soul? That's not... 1777 01:31:28,149 --> 01:31:29,401 I'll give you 30 seconds. 1778 01:31:29,484 --> 01:31:31,486 - What? No! - Best I can do. 1779 01:31:31,569 --> 01:31:32,866 Take it or leave it. 1780 01:31:43,331 --> 01:31:44,753 - (CABLE GROANS) - WEASEL: He's doing it! 1781 01:31:44,833 --> 01:31:46,380 Look at the little fella. He's doing it. 1782 01:31:46,501 --> 01:31:48,344 (RETCHES) There he goes. 1783 01:31:48,503 --> 01:31:49,925 CABLE: Jesus Christ! 1784 01:31:50,005 --> 01:31:51,473 WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it. 1785 01:31:51,548 --> 01:31:52,549 Ugh. 1786 01:31:53,508 --> 01:31:54,851 WEASEL: There you go, little fella. 1787 01:31:55,593 --> 01:31:56,936 Go on, you're doing it! 1788 01:31:57,345 --> 01:32:00,189 My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy. 1789 01:32:02,392 --> 01:32:03,484 DOMINO: Christ! 1790 01:32:03,560 --> 01:32:05,187 That's disturbing. 1791 01:32:05,270 --> 01:32:06,692 30 seconds. 1792 01:32:12,068 --> 01:32:13,570 - Deal. - Deal. 1793 01:32:16,573 --> 01:32:18,371 (FARTING) 1794 01:32:19,993 --> 01:32:23,042 Man, that sucks they didn't have anything in your size. 1795 01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:25,089 I really wanted to match, you know? 1796 01:32:25,165 --> 01:32:27,167 Being a menacing team. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) 1797 01:32:27,250 --> 01:32:28,376 Oh, man, it sucks. 1798 01:32:28,460 --> 01:32:30,053 That was some cold-ass shit, kid. 1799 01:32:31,755 --> 01:32:34,258 DEADPOOL: And that is just the first five steps 1800 01:32:34,340 --> 01:32:36,058 to a prostate-assisted orgasm. 1801 01:32:36,968 --> 01:32:38,390 Where the hell are we going? 1802 01:32:38,470 --> 01:32:39,722 DEADPOOL: You said it yourself. 1803 01:32:39,804 --> 01:32:42,728 Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. We need backup. 1804 01:32:42,807 --> 01:32:45,560 I will bathe in the blood of your enemies. 1805 01:32:45,810 --> 01:32:47,938 (BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 1806 01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,525 Can you turn off the music? 1807 01:32:52,525 --> 01:32:54,527 You'll do no such thing. 1808 01:32:54,694 --> 01:32:56,537 Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent? 1809 01:32:56,613 --> 01:32:58,331 - I'm sorry? - Apology accepted. 1810 01:32:58,406 --> 01:33:00,454 This is a side of you I do not like. 1811 01:33:00,533 --> 01:33:01,534 Let me guess, 1812 01:33:01,618 --> 01:33:03,165 some of your best friends in the future are Indian. 1813 01:33:03,453 --> 01:33:04,579 What the hell are you...? 1814 01:33:04,662 --> 01:33:06,585 Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head. 1815 01:33:06,664 --> 01:33:07,916 I am so sorry. It gets better. 1816 01:33:07,999 --> 01:33:09,546 I'm not a fucking racist, moron! 1817 01:33:09,626 --> 01:33:11,503 That's precisely what a racist would say. 1818 01:33:11,711 --> 01:33:13,338 I'm with the old white guy on this one. 1819 01:33:13,421 --> 01:33:14,638 And that's a twist. 1820 01:33:14,714 --> 01:33:15,840 When this is over... 1821 01:33:15,924 --> 01:33:18,097 I'm going to fuck you to death with your own broken feet. 1822 01:33:18,176 --> 01:33:20,304 And a sexual predator, too. That's rich. 1823 01:33:20,386 --> 01:33:21,763 I should have finished college. 1824 01:33:21,846 --> 01:33:22,938 DEADPOOL: So what exactly do you 1825 01:33:23,014 --> 01:33:24,015 do in the future, anyway, huh? 1826 01:33:24,099 --> 01:33:25,316 Some kind of soldier? 1827 01:33:25,391 --> 01:33:27,189 Yeah, something like that. 1828 01:33:27,268 --> 01:33:29,441 DEADPOOL: I was a soldier. Special Forces. 1829 01:33:29,521 --> 01:33:32,149 I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies. 1830 01:33:32,232 --> 01:33:34,200 50 years from now, you're very dead. 1831 01:33:34,275 --> 01:33:36,653 Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma. 1832 01:33:36,736 --> 01:33:38,283 Boom! (IMITATES EXPLOSION) 1833 01:33:38,363 --> 01:33:39,615 Spoiler alert. 1834 01:33:39,697 --> 01:33:40,789 (SNICKERS) 1835 01:33:40,865 --> 01:33:42,082 (SIGHS) Planets. 1836 01:33:42,242 --> 01:33:43,789 Next time, Uber. 1837 01:33:43,868 --> 01:33:45,165 Here's a spoiler alert. 1838 01:33:46,329 --> 01:33:48,127 You're not a fucking hero. 1839 01:33:48,331 --> 01:33:52,052 You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy. 1840 01:33:52,418 --> 01:33:53,590 DEADPOOL: Well, I got news for you. 1841 01:33:53,670 --> 01:33:54,967 My heart is in the right place. 1842 01:33:55,046 --> 01:33:56,548 Russell's not gonna kill anyone. 1843 01:33:56,631 --> 01:33:58,554 Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like. 1844 01:33:58,633 --> 01:33:59,680 We're all going to die. 1845 01:33:59,759 --> 01:34:00,976 Because of you, I'll always know 1846 01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:02,929 what a grown man with baby balls looks like. 1847 01:34:03,054 --> 01:34:05,352 I'm a grower, not a shower. 1848 01:34:05,515 --> 01:34:06,641 God, I wish this were a bus 1849 01:34:06,724 --> 01:34:07,850 where I could pull the string and get out. 1850 01:34:07,934 --> 01:34:09,561 It's a good thing Cable's not driving, 1851 01:34:09,644 --> 01:34:10,645 or you'd be in the back. 1852 01:34:10,854 --> 01:34:12,652 - I am in the back. - DEADPOOL: Right here! 1853 01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:14,570 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1854 01:34:15,900 --> 01:34:17,698 ("IN YOUR EYES" PLAYING ON BOOM BOX) 1855 01:34:29,038 --> 01:34:30,290 (GROANS) 1856 01:34:31,374 --> 01:34:33,047 DEADPOOL: I made mistakes! 1857 01:34:33,501 --> 01:34:35,048 I wanna take them back! 1858 01:34:35,211 --> 01:34:38,090 You trusted me. I took that trust... 1859 01:34:38,214 --> 01:34:39,636 and turned it into a glory hole 1860 01:34:39,716 --> 01:34:41,218 in an airport bathroom. 1861 01:34:41,301 --> 01:34:44,054 The one in Minneapolis. You know the one. 1862 01:34:44,637 --> 01:34:47,186 But even you know I'm not a complete piece of shit. 1863 01:34:47,265 --> 01:34:48,767 I was once an X-Man. 1864 01:34:48,850 --> 01:34:49,897 Trainee! 1865 01:34:50,977 --> 01:34:52,149 (MUSIC STOPS) 1866 01:34:54,564 --> 01:34:57,067 You're still using my Velcro labels. Aw. 1867 01:34:57,150 --> 01:34:58,743 They do stick better than tape. 1868 01:34:58,818 --> 01:34:59,819 Hi, Wade! 1869 01:34:59,903 --> 01:35:00,904 Please don't. 1870 01:35:00,987 --> 01:35:03,740 Say whatever it is you're here to say. Make it quick. 1871 01:35:03,823 --> 01:35:04,824 Right. Quick. 1872 01:35:04,908 --> 01:35:06,785 It's the kid. Just like you, I let him down. 1873 01:35:06,868 --> 01:35:07,869 And just like me, 1874 01:35:07,952 --> 01:35:09,169 he's never had anyone sacrifice anything for him... 1875 01:35:09,245 --> 01:35:10,497 because the whole world wrote him off 1876 01:35:10,580 --> 01:35:11,957 as a piece of shit a long time ago. 1877 01:35:12,040 --> 01:35:13,713 Look, he's teamed up with the Juggernaut! 1878 01:35:13,791 --> 01:35:14,963 (GASPS) The Juggernaut! 1879 01:35:15,335 --> 01:35:17,053 Who's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever... 1880 01:35:17,128 --> 01:35:19,301 And hi, Yukio! That was really nice of you to say hi... 1881 01:35:19,380 --> 01:35:20,723 so I'm saying hi back. 1882 01:35:20,798 --> 01:35:22,141 You guys make a super cute couple. 1883 01:35:22,217 --> 01:35:23,890 Yeah. Where was I? 1884 01:35:23,968 --> 01:35:25,811 Oh, yeah. You should never meet your heroes... 1885 01:35:25,887 --> 01:35:27,560 because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick! 1886 01:35:27,639 --> 01:35:29,391 And like a lot of dicks, he's hard as a rock... 1887 01:35:29,474 --> 01:35:30,691 and causes nothing but problems! 1888 01:35:30,767 --> 01:35:33,771 Look, you can stop the Juggernaut. I know you can. 1889 01:35:33,853 --> 01:35:37,027 Do you know what would happen to me if I helped you? 1890 01:35:37,106 --> 01:35:39,154 I would be disgraced. 1891 01:35:39,234 --> 01:35:41,236 You are a criminal, a fugitive. 1892 01:35:41,319 --> 01:35:42,821 But worst of all... 1893 01:35:42,904 --> 01:35:44,656 you broke my heart, Wade. 1894 01:35:46,324 --> 01:35:47,371 Then you know what? 1895 01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,952 Your heart's in the wrong place, big guy. 1896 01:35:50,245 --> 01:35:52,919 Doing the right thing is sometimes messy... 1897 01:35:52,997 --> 01:35:56,342 and fucked up, and not particularly convenient! 1898 01:35:56,417 --> 01:35:59,512 So stay here in Château de Virgin... 1899 01:35:59,587 --> 01:36:01,715 while we go get our fuck on! 1900 01:36:04,884 --> 01:36:06,261 DOMINO: You're doing great. 1901 01:36:08,930 --> 01:36:10,307 (CAR DOOR CLOSES) (ENGINE STARTS) 1902 01:36:11,933 --> 01:36:13,401 RUSSELL: So you wear that helmet because 1903 01:36:13,476 --> 01:36:15,194 your brother tries to read your mind? 1904 01:36:15,270 --> 01:36:18,490 JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-steven. 1905 01:36:18,564 --> 01:36:21,033 MAN: Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir. 1906 01:36:21,109 --> 01:36:23,032 And he's not alone. 1907 01:36:23,111 --> 01:36:24,784 HEADMASTER: Secure the children. 1908 01:36:27,198 --> 01:36:29,576 They will not replace us. 1909 01:36:29,993 --> 01:36:32,291 What do you say we go fuck some shit up? 1910 01:36:32,829 --> 01:36:36,675 "Let's fuck some shit up" is my legal middle name. 1911 01:36:40,003 --> 01:36:42,472 Watch my back. I've got the old man. 1912 01:36:42,672 --> 01:36:44,219 Amen, brother. 1913 01:36:45,800 --> 01:36:47,097 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1914 01:36:50,763 --> 01:36:52,265 Time to make the chimichangas. 1915 01:36:52,432 --> 01:36:54,059 30 seconds. 1916 01:36:54,684 --> 01:36:56,812 I finally know why I'm here. 1917 01:36:57,228 --> 01:36:59,151 I was raised in this place. 1918 01:36:59,230 --> 01:37:01,449 Well, not raised. I was tortured. 1919 01:37:01,524 --> 01:37:04,368 Wow! It's your cosmic reason for being here. 1920 01:37:04,444 --> 01:37:05,741 - Shall we? - This is gonna be fun. 1921 01:37:05,820 --> 01:37:06,867 DEADPOOL: Yeah! 1922 01:37:06,946 --> 01:37:08,289 Hey! Been meaning to ask you... 1923 01:37:08,364 --> 01:37:11,618 what's with the dirty, disgusting hobo bear? 1924 01:37:11,701 --> 01:37:14,375 It's not dirt. It's the blood of my dead daughter. 1925 01:37:14,912 --> 01:37:17,290 Are You Bear, God? It's Me, Margaret. 1926 01:37:17,665 --> 01:37:19,042 Give me some. 1927 01:37:19,125 --> 01:37:20,627 They say laughter heals anything... 1928 01:37:20,752 --> 01:37:21,844 except, of course, that. 1929 01:37:21,919 --> 01:37:23,136 We should just cue the music. 1930 01:37:24,255 --> 01:37:26,132 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 1931 01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:50,998 Welcome home, Russell. We missed you. 1932 01:37:52,200 --> 01:37:53,201 Russell! 1933 01:37:53,284 --> 01:37:55,707 You don't need to do this! Let's talk! 1934 01:37:56,746 --> 01:37:57,998 Why are you dressed like the Unabomber? 1935 01:37:58,081 --> 01:37:59,754 (YELLING) 1936 01:38:02,377 --> 01:38:03,378 That's why! 1937 01:38:03,461 --> 01:38:04,508 Told you this little fucker's too far gone. 1938 01:38:04,587 --> 01:38:06,715 Zip it, Thanos! We have a deal and you fuck... 1939 01:38:06,798 --> 01:38:08,766 (GROANS) JUGGERNAUT: Hey! 1940 01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:12,429 I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass. 1941 01:38:13,554 --> 01:38:15,727 My body and my hands are so soft. 1942 01:38:15,807 --> 01:38:16,979 You should probably head back to the car. 1943 01:38:17,100 --> 01:38:18,647 I think I'll head back to the car. 1944 01:38:19,936 --> 01:38:22,610 It works best when you pull the trigger. 1945 01:38:24,315 --> 01:38:25,316 (GROANS) 1946 01:38:25,525 --> 01:38:26,822 That gun is amazing! 1947 01:38:28,152 --> 01:38:29,369 RUSSELL: Say it! 1948 01:38:31,531 --> 01:38:34,535 You are an abomination! 1949 01:38:34,617 --> 01:38:35,789 (GRUNTS) 1950 01:38:41,874 --> 01:38:45,128 Now, I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy. 1951 01:38:45,211 --> 01:38:47,634 I believe him! Every man for themselves! 1952 01:38:52,009 --> 01:38:53,101 Gotcha! 1953 01:38:53,886 --> 01:38:55,058 JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget! 1954 01:38:58,057 --> 01:39:00,776 Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low! 1955 01:39:01,185 --> 01:39:02,277 Oh, shit fuck! 1956 01:39:02,854 --> 01:39:04,197 (SCREAMING) 1957 01:39:14,740 --> 01:39:16,083 (JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS) 1958 01:39:16,159 --> 01:39:17,752 Come here, beautiful. 1959 01:39:25,501 --> 01:39:26,627 Whoo! 1960 01:39:35,845 --> 01:39:36,937 RUSSELL: Say it! 1961 01:39:52,028 --> 01:39:53,905 ("IN YOUR EYES" PLAYING) 1962 01:40:55,049 --> 01:40:56,175 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 1963 01:40:59,011 --> 01:41:00,308 (MUMBLES) 1964 01:41:00,388 --> 01:41:01,480 You came for me. 1965 01:41:01,556 --> 01:41:02,978 I'm not giving up on you, 1966 01:41:03,057 --> 01:41:05,151 and you are not giving up on that boy. 1967 01:41:05,226 --> 01:41:07,228 Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken? 1968 01:41:07,311 --> 01:41:09,564 It's time to fight dirty. 1969 01:41:09,730 --> 01:41:11,073 Time to sweep the leg, Johnny. 1970 01:41:11,148 --> 01:41:13,901 Hey! Pick on someone your own size! 1971 01:41:13,985 --> 01:41:16,033 That's such a you thing to say! 1972 01:41:16,112 --> 01:41:17,705 Go get him, tiger! 1973 01:41:18,114 --> 01:41:19,991 Big CGI fight coming up! 1974 01:41:20,992 --> 01:41:22,460 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1975 01:41:22,994 --> 01:41:24,371 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1976 01:41:28,916 --> 01:41:30,293 (GRUNTS) 1977 01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:33,011 (BOTH GRUNTING) (BONE CRACKS) 1978 01:41:33,087 --> 01:41:34,213 (SCREAMS) 1979 01:41:43,055 --> 01:41:44,398 He's doing great. 1980 01:41:44,473 --> 01:41:45,690 RUSSELL: Say it! 1981 01:41:49,854 --> 01:41:51,276 - Russell. - DEADPOOL: Bingo! 1982 01:41:54,525 --> 01:41:55,777 (GROANING) 1983 01:41:56,652 --> 01:41:58,620 JUGGERNAUT: You see that bus? 1984 01:41:58,696 --> 01:41:59,788 I'm gonna shove it up your ass. 1985 01:42:00,448 --> 01:42:01,700 (METAL CLANGS) 1986 01:42:01,782 --> 01:42:03,204 (GROANS) 1987 01:42:03,284 --> 01:42:05,252 That's right! I'm fighting dirty! 1988 01:42:06,621 --> 01:42:07,588 Oh, great! 1989 01:42:07,663 --> 01:42:08,664 ORDERLY: There they are! Those freaks! 1990 01:42:08,748 --> 01:42:10,341 DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. 1991 01:42:10,791 --> 01:42:12,464 Can I have one of those guns? 1992 01:42:13,002 --> 01:42:14,675 - No. - That's fine. 1993 01:42:14,837 --> 01:42:16,680 Get off this property, mutant scum! 1994 01:42:16,839 --> 01:42:17,840 I'm just gonna use this brick. 1995 01:42:18,591 --> 01:42:19,592 Maximum effort. 1996 01:42:19,717 --> 01:42:21,139 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1997 01:42:25,723 --> 01:42:27,475 Who says you can't go home again? 1998 01:42:29,477 --> 01:42:30,820 (ALL GRUNTING) 1999 01:42:36,567 --> 01:42:37,989 (SCREAMS) CHILDREN: Oh! 2000 01:42:44,617 --> 01:42:45,618 CHILDREN: Yeah! 2001 01:42:47,828 --> 01:42:49,171 Say it. 2002 01:42:49,538 --> 01:42:52,587 Say what you said every time you tortured me! 2003 01:42:53,125 --> 01:42:54,126 Say it! 2004 01:42:54,210 --> 01:42:57,214 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand! 2005 01:42:58,422 --> 01:43:00,049 Blessed are the wicked... 2006 01:43:00,591 --> 01:43:01,808 who are healed... 2007 01:43:02,301 --> 01:43:03,803 by my hand. 2008 01:43:04,720 --> 01:43:06,063 (YELLS) 2009 01:43:15,981 --> 01:43:17,449 (BOTH GRUNTING) 2010 01:43:21,862 --> 01:43:23,580 You commie motherfucker! 2011 01:43:27,785 --> 01:43:28,957 (CHILDREN CHEERING) 2012 01:43:30,162 --> 01:43:31,209 (SPITS) 2013 01:43:31,288 --> 01:43:32,835 (YELLS) 2014 01:43:38,087 --> 01:43:39,304 (GROANS) 2015 01:43:50,641 --> 01:43:52,359 DEADPOOL: Oh, my God. Did you feel that, too? 2016 01:43:53,227 --> 01:43:55,446 Only best buddies execute pedophiles together. 2017 01:43:58,315 --> 01:44:00,534 You got 30 seconds, you jabbering butt plug! 2018 01:44:00,693 --> 01:44:01,910 Now we're getting it. 2019 01:44:04,572 --> 01:44:05,664 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 2020 01:44:06,615 --> 01:44:08,834 I need a bus to get you all out of here. 2021 01:44:08,909 --> 01:44:09,910 (GASPS) 2022 01:44:10,745 --> 01:44:12,338 (CAR ALARM WAILING) 2023 01:44:14,165 --> 01:44:15,212 Orphans. 2024 01:44:16,375 --> 01:44:17,592 Oh, geez. 2025 01:44:19,003 --> 01:44:21,597 It's time to burn for what you've done! 2026 01:44:21,756 --> 01:44:24,259 A child should not be burdened with such power! 2027 01:44:31,807 --> 01:44:32,979 (RUSSELL GRUNTS) 2028 01:44:33,058 --> 01:44:34,150 Russell! Wait! 2029 01:44:40,149 --> 01:44:41,446 DEADPOOL: Oh! 2030 01:44:48,657 --> 01:44:50,659 Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet! 2031 01:44:50,826 --> 01:44:52,703 - What more do you need to see? - Don't you fucking dare! 2032 01:44:52,870 --> 01:44:53,962 He's just a kid! 2033 01:44:54,121 --> 01:44:55,998 Tick, tock. Meter's running! 2034 01:45:05,132 --> 01:45:06,429 (COLOSSUS GROANS) 2035 01:45:08,719 --> 01:45:11,768 I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring. 2036 01:45:17,186 --> 01:45:18,358 (GRUNTS) 2037 01:45:19,522 --> 01:45:20,865 (GROWLS) 2038 01:45:23,692 --> 01:45:24,989 (GRUNTS) 2039 01:45:25,069 --> 01:45:27,242 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (GROANING) 2040 01:45:32,159 --> 01:45:34,787 - I told you! Leave me alone! - Come on! 2041 01:45:35,329 --> 01:45:36,455 Listen to me! 2042 01:45:39,625 --> 01:45:40,968 (RUSSELL SCREAMING) 2043 01:45:41,210 --> 01:45:43,429 (BOTH GRUNTING) 2044 01:45:46,465 --> 01:45:47,682 (GRUNTS) 2045 01:45:59,687 --> 01:46:01,314 COLOSSUS: (SCOFFS) That's how we do it 2046 01:46:01,397 --> 01:46:02,865 in Mother Russia. 2047 01:46:04,066 --> 01:46:05,113 (GROANS) 2048 01:46:05,192 --> 01:46:07,615 They say millennials are the hardest to reach. 2049 01:46:08,988 --> 01:46:12,208 CABLE: Oh, no. You're doing amazing. 2050 01:46:12,283 --> 01:46:13,455 (GROWLS) 2051 01:46:13,534 --> 01:46:16,037 Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta! 2052 01:46:16,453 --> 01:46:18,171 Go home, Wade! 2053 01:46:18,330 --> 01:46:20,173 You're ruining everything! 2054 01:46:25,504 --> 01:46:26,721 I'm getting good at this shit. 2055 01:46:26,881 --> 01:46:27,928 DEADPOOL: Go, go, go! 2056 01:46:28,257 --> 01:46:29,429 (GRUNTS) 2057 01:46:31,427 --> 01:46:33,270 He dies tonight, Wade. 2058 01:46:33,429 --> 01:46:34,976 You can't stop me! 2059 01:46:35,931 --> 01:46:37,683 CABLE: He even runs like a fucking pervert. 2060 01:46:37,850 --> 01:46:40,603 Like an online predator who lost his laptop. 2061 01:46:42,021 --> 01:46:43,398 There's one bullet left in that gun. 2062 01:46:43,564 --> 01:46:45,441 Wait, wait, wait! Please, just give me a second! 2063 01:46:45,608 --> 01:46:46,951 I got this. 2064 01:46:47,109 --> 01:46:49,237 - Russell! - Stay back! Go home, Wade! 2065 01:46:49,403 --> 01:46:51,531 Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! 2066 01:46:52,114 --> 01:46:53,411 That piece of shit... 2067 01:46:53,824 --> 01:46:55,451 he deserves to die for what he did to you. 2068 01:46:55,618 --> 01:46:58,997 He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. 2069 01:46:59,872 --> 01:47:01,545 But if you kill him, he wins. 2070 01:47:01,707 --> 01:47:05,211 You become everything he says you are, but worse. 2071 01:47:05,628 --> 01:47:07,096 You're just a kid. 2072 01:47:07,671 --> 01:47:09,298 You don't wanna hurt anyone. 2073 01:47:09,465 --> 01:47:10,591 How do you know what I want? 2074 01:47:10,758 --> 01:47:12,385 Because I've been inside you. 2075 01:47:13,052 --> 01:47:14,349 That came out wrong. 2076 01:47:14,970 --> 01:47:16,563 I've been inside your shoes. 2077 01:47:16,722 --> 01:47:18,474 Which is also off-putting. 2078 01:47:18,641 --> 01:47:20,063 It's not a great analogy. 2079 01:47:20,142 --> 01:47:21,564 The point is... 2080 01:47:22,019 --> 01:47:23,692 there are people... 2081 01:47:23,771 --> 01:47:26,695 There are people in this fucking world... 2082 01:47:26,857 --> 01:47:29,451 besides him, who will treat you right. 2083 01:47:29,610 --> 01:47:32,238 It isn't too late. Don't do it. 2084 01:47:37,785 --> 01:47:40,163 I never should've left you there. 2085 01:47:41,914 --> 01:47:43,791 I never should've left you in that prison. 2086 01:47:50,881 --> 01:47:52,178 I can't trust you. 2087 01:47:53,884 --> 01:47:56,262 I can't trust anybody! 2088 01:47:57,304 --> 01:47:58,772 (GROANING) 2089 01:48:05,270 --> 01:48:06,487 Wonderful kid. 2090 01:48:06,981 --> 01:48:08,528 RUSSELL: You can't stop me, Wade! 2091 01:48:08,607 --> 01:48:09,824 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 2092 01:48:10,776 --> 01:48:12,904 I got one more idea. 2093 01:48:13,070 --> 01:48:15,949 It's just a really bad one, even for me. 2094 01:48:16,031 --> 01:48:17,203 Wade, what are you doing? 2095 01:48:17,282 --> 01:48:18,909 All right. This is for all the marbles, kid! 2096 01:48:19,702 --> 01:48:21,420 You're gonna kill someone today... 2097 01:48:21,829 --> 01:48:23,126 Blessed are the wicked... 2098 01:48:23,288 --> 01:48:25,211 ...then it's gotta be me. 2099 01:48:26,291 --> 01:48:28,214 ...who are healed by my hand! 2100 01:48:31,338 --> 01:48:33,761 (MOUTHS) Fuck this! 2101 01:48:35,217 --> 01:48:36,890 ("TOMORROW" PLAYING) 2102 01:48:38,053 --> 01:48:40,181 (GIRL SINGING) 2103 01:49:32,066 --> 01:49:33,283 (GROANS) 2104 01:49:34,485 --> 01:49:37,455 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 2105 01:49:39,323 --> 01:49:40,825 (DEADPOOL COUGHING) 2106 01:49:42,451 --> 01:49:43,953 Oh, that's not good. 2107 01:49:45,537 --> 01:49:46,959 No, sir. 2108 01:49:54,588 --> 01:49:57,512 You sacrificed yourself for me. 2109 01:49:57,925 --> 01:49:59,051 Yeah. 2110 01:49:59,134 --> 01:50:01,353 And it was the best thing I ever did. 2111 01:50:01,428 --> 01:50:02,771 (COUGHING) 2112 01:50:03,305 --> 01:50:05,399 I told you I care about you. 2113 01:50:05,474 --> 01:50:07,226 You're a good kid, Russell. 2114 01:50:08,936 --> 01:50:10,028 Hey. 2115 01:50:11,313 --> 01:50:12,530 The bear. 2116 01:50:12,606 --> 01:50:13,983 It worked. 2117 01:50:20,948 --> 01:50:22,450 Because of you. 2118 01:50:22,616 --> 01:50:24,914 No, Wade, because of you. 2119 01:50:25,786 --> 01:50:27,834 Stop, stop, stop! 2120 01:50:27,913 --> 01:50:29,085 Stop! 2121 01:50:30,249 --> 01:50:32,798 Just let it happen, okay? 2122 01:50:33,252 --> 01:50:36,176 I guess my heart was finally in the right place. 2123 01:50:37,005 --> 01:50:39,428 (GROANS) That riddle is so fucked up. 2124 01:50:41,802 --> 01:50:43,850 (GROANS, COUGHS) 2125 01:50:44,221 --> 01:50:46,519 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 2126 01:50:46,682 --> 01:50:47,808 Don't be. Don't be. 2127 01:50:47,891 --> 01:50:49,643 I've been trying to make this happen for a while. 2128 01:50:50,310 --> 01:50:51,857 Please, just don't leave me. 2129 01:50:52,020 --> 01:50:53,522 I don't wanna die without an audience. 2130 01:50:53,689 --> 01:50:55,191 We are not going anywhere. 2131 01:50:55,357 --> 01:50:57,451 WADE: Oh, God, I hope the Academy is watching. 2132 01:50:57,526 --> 01:50:58,652 Just rest, okay? 2133 01:51:00,487 --> 01:51:01,579 Papa. 2134 01:51:03,782 --> 01:51:05,750 (SINGING) Papa, can you hear me? 2135 01:51:07,995 --> 01:51:14,002 Papa, can you find me in the night? 2136 01:51:35,272 --> 01:51:36,524 Before I go... (COUGHS) 2137 01:51:37,065 --> 01:51:38,783 Sorry, I got a bit more in me. 2138 01:51:39,359 --> 01:51:40,485 Domino. 2139 01:51:40,652 --> 01:51:45,158 I want you to have my Adventure Time watch. 2140 01:51:45,240 --> 01:51:47,038 (WADE COUGHING) 2141 01:51:47,743 --> 01:51:50,622 Turns out that I'm the lucky one. 2142 01:51:51,371 --> 01:51:52,497 Thank you. 2143 01:51:53,832 --> 01:51:56,756 Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. 2144 01:51:57,127 --> 01:51:59,300 I liked you better with your hair short. 2145 01:51:59,463 --> 01:52:00,635 Think everyone did. 2146 01:52:01,423 --> 01:52:04,142 - Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade! 2147 01:52:04,218 --> 01:52:05,845 (CHUCKLES) 2148 01:52:06,178 --> 01:52:07,270 And you... 2149 01:52:07,804 --> 01:52:08,930 Chrome Bone. 2150 01:52:09,848 --> 01:52:12,226 I haven't always been the best friend to you. 2151 01:52:12,809 --> 01:52:15,062 But you've always been that to me. 2152 01:52:15,145 --> 01:52:16,522 So thank you. 2153 01:52:18,690 --> 01:52:20,283 Say "fuck" for me. 2154 01:52:21,109 --> 01:52:22,361 Just once. Come on, 2155 01:52:22,444 --> 01:52:24,037 we'll do it together. It's no big deal. 2156 01:52:24,112 --> 01:52:27,116 Here we go. One, two, three. F... F... F... 2157 01:52:27,199 --> 01:52:28,200 Fuck. 2158 01:52:28,367 --> 01:52:31,712 Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth. (CHUCKLES) 2159 01:52:33,038 --> 01:52:35,291 And you, Cable. (COUGHS) 2160 01:52:36,166 --> 01:52:39,841 You get back to your family. You tell 'em Wade says hi. 2161 01:52:40,712 --> 01:52:43,932 And promise me. Promise me one thing. 2162 01:52:44,383 --> 01:52:45,760 That you'll start judging people... 2163 01:52:45,842 --> 01:52:47,185 not by the color of their skin, 2164 01:52:47,261 --> 01:52:49,138 but by the content of their character. 2165 01:52:49,888 --> 01:52:51,481 - Jesus. - WADE: R-Dog? 2166 01:52:52,683 --> 01:52:54,606 There you are. Hey! 2167 01:52:55,185 --> 01:52:56,937 You're a superhero now, bubba. 2168 01:52:57,437 --> 01:53:00,407 That's why it's high time that you had a super suit. 2169 01:53:00,482 --> 01:53:01,859 This one is yours. 2170 01:53:01,942 --> 01:53:03,660 You might wanna get it steam cleaned. 2171 01:53:03,735 --> 01:53:05,112 Especially around the pants. 2172 01:53:05,195 --> 01:53:06,913 And let it out a little in the waist. 2173 01:53:07,864 --> 01:53:08,865 But, hey. 2174 01:53:09,908 --> 01:53:11,000 Look. 2175 01:53:11,285 --> 01:53:13,913 Family is not an F-word. 2176 01:53:14,663 --> 01:53:15,960 All right? 2177 01:53:16,039 --> 01:53:17,916 There's one out there for you. (COUGHS) 2178 01:53:18,500 --> 01:53:20,218 Just keep looking, okay? 2179 01:53:23,714 --> 01:53:26,467 Guys, for a second there... 2180 01:53:27,301 --> 01:53:29,429 we made a pretty good team. 2181 01:53:35,559 --> 01:53:37,152 (SIGHS) 2182 01:53:44,484 --> 01:53:46,486 Oh, it's so hard to go. 2183 01:53:46,903 --> 01:53:47,904 (WHINES) 2184 01:53:47,988 --> 01:53:50,366 I just love being around you guys so much. 2185 01:53:51,450 --> 01:53:52,702 So, so much. 2186 01:53:53,410 --> 01:53:54,753 Mmm. 2187 01:53:54,828 --> 01:53:57,001 No, I can feel it now. Here it comes, yeah. 2188 01:53:57,706 --> 01:54:01,461 I feel the soul exiting the husk. 2189 01:54:01,543 --> 01:54:02,544 Yeah. 2190 01:54:04,421 --> 01:54:06,264 Can you see it? 2191 01:54:06,965 --> 01:54:09,138 Do you see that beautiful bright light? 2192 01:54:10,594 --> 01:54:11,766 There it is. 2193 01:54:18,018 --> 01:54:19,235 Oh, that's the sun. 2194 01:54:19,311 --> 01:54:21,154 Don't stare directly into that. 2195 01:54:21,229 --> 01:54:22,651 I just have a few final words. 2196 01:54:22,731 --> 01:54:23,778 (EXHALES) 2197 01:54:24,900 --> 01:54:26,277 Woodpecker. 2198 01:54:27,069 --> 01:54:28,412 Gingivitis. 2199 01:54:30,447 --> 01:54:31,824 Codswallop. 2200 01:54:36,161 --> 01:54:38,129 Do You Want to Build a Snowman? 2201 01:55:05,607 --> 01:55:07,575 (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) 2202 01:55:53,113 --> 01:55:54,285 Sorry I'm late. 2203 01:55:54,364 --> 01:55:56,037 There was a bunch 2204 01:55:56,116 --> 01:55:57,413 of handicapable children who were stuck in a tree. 2205 01:55:57,492 --> 01:55:58,709 - No. - No. 2206 01:55:59,786 --> 01:56:02,460 - But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah. 2207 01:56:02,914 --> 01:56:04,791 - He's got a terrible name. - It's just awful. 2208 01:56:04,875 --> 01:56:05,876 - Ugh. - I tried to tell him. 2209 01:56:08,211 --> 01:56:09,633 Is this heaven? 2210 01:56:10,505 --> 01:56:11,722 It is now. 2211 01:56:15,177 --> 01:56:17,054 I am so sorry. 2212 01:56:17,888 --> 01:56:19,231 VANESSA: It's okay. 2213 01:56:39,075 --> 01:56:40,952 I missed you so much. 2214 01:56:46,541 --> 01:56:48,214 What is it? What's wrong? 2215 01:56:50,128 --> 01:56:51,630 It's not time. 2216 01:56:52,255 --> 01:56:54,132 What do you mean it's not time? 2217 01:56:54,299 --> 01:56:55,801 I'm here, I made it. 2218 01:56:55,967 --> 01:56:57,640 - You can't stay. - No, no, no. 2219 01:56:57,719 --> 01:57:00,347 I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere without you. 2220 01:57:00,430 --> 01:57:01,431 It's okay. 2221 01:57:01,932 --> 01:57:04,776 There's a time for us. It's just not now. 2222 01:57:05,769 --> 01:57:08,238 - They need you. - Who? 2223 01:57:10,273 --> 01:57:11,570 VANESSA: Your F-word. 2224 01:57:12,817 --> 01:57:13,818 WADE: Why? 2225 01:57:13,902 --> 01:57:14,903 VANESSA: You'll find out. 2226 01:57:16,154 --> 01:57:17,701 It's all right. I'll be here. 2227 01:57:19,074 --> 01:57:21,202 It's pretty fucking awesome up here. 2228 01:57:21,910 --> 01:57:23,753 I can have anything I want. 2229 01:57:23,828 --> 01:57:25,956 Can every day be International Women's Day? 2230 01:57:26,039 --> 01:57:27,416 It is heaven. 2231 01:57:27,624 --> 01:57:28,876 I love you. 2232 01:57:31,378 --> 01:57:34,131 I know. I love you, too. 2233 01:57:34,714 --> 01:57:36,136 Now, go. 2234 01:57:37,008 --> 01:57:39,010 Go on. Go, get out of here. 2235 01:57:40,053 --> 01:57:41,054 Go. 2236 01:57:43,848 --> 01:57:44,849 Hey! 2237 01:57:47,852 --> 01:57:50,025 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 2238 01:57:50,647 --> 01:57:51,773 Well, come here. 2239 01:58:11,126 --> 01:58:12,753 Don't fuck Elvis. 2240 01:58:12,877 --> 01:58:14,629 - Ooh, too late. - I'm sorry? 2241 01:58:19,593 --> 01:58:21,095 (SCREAMING) 2242 01:58:24,139 --> 01:58:25,356 Time to make the chimichangas. 2243 01:58:25,432 --> 01:58:26,524 30 seconds. 2244 01:58:26,600 --> 01:58:27,817 Hey. Been meaning to ask you... 2245 01:58:27,892 --> 01:58:30,361 what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear? 2246 01:58:30,437 --> 01:58:32,189 It's my daughter's teddy bear. 2247 01:58:32,647 --> 01:58:33,944 Her name's Hope. 2248 01:58:34,232 --> 01:58:35,358 DEADPOOL: Well... 2249 01:58:36,192 --> 01:58:38,069 What are you doing? 2250 01:58:38,153 --> 01:58:39,746 Somebody swiped right. 2251 01:58:39,821 --> 01:58:41,664 (FAST-FORWARDING) 2252 01:58:50,624 --> 01:58:51,750 (GROANS) 2253 01:58:52,542 --> 01:58:54,920 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 2254 01:58:55,378 --> 01:58:57,051 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 2255 01:58:58,256 --> 01:59:00,008 RUSSELL: You sacrificed yourself for me. 2256 01:59:00,091 --> 01:59:01,593 DEADPOOL: It would seem I... 2257 01:59:03,762 --> 01:59:05,059 Huh? 2258 01:59:06,181 --> 01:59:08,525 Genuine, high-grade lead. 2259 01:59:10,435 --> 01:59:13,439 You time-sliding son of a bitch! 2260 01:59:13,521 --> 01:59:15,114 You did this for me? 2261 01:59:16,983 --> 01:59:19,486 Wait. You can't go back. 2262 01:59:20,111 --> 01:59:21,363 You used the last of your fuel. 2263 01:59:21,446 --> 01:59:23,164 What about your girl, your wife? 2264 01:59:23,239 --> 01:59:26,493 Now, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. 2265 01:59:27,952 --> 01:59:30,375 No, I'm gonna stick around for a while... 2266 01:59:30,455 --> 01:59:31,672 and make sure the world 2267 01:59:31,748 --> 01:59:33,466 doesn't shit itself into oblivion. 2268 01:59:34,167 --> 01:59:37,046 No. You did it for me. 2269 01:59:37,796 --> 01:59:39,139 No, I didn't. 2270 01:59:39,297 --> 01:59:40,674 - You did. - I really didn't. 2271 01:59:40,757 --> 01:59:42,555 - Pretty sure you did. - No, I'm positive I didn't. 2272 01:59:42,634 --> 01:59:44,386 Fine. All right, let's flip a coin. Okay? 2273 01:59:44,469 --> 01:59:47,188 Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me. 2274 01:59:47,263 --> 01:59:49,686 I'm not even gonna look, because you did it for me. 2275 01:59:50,100 --> 01:59:51,101 Say it again. 2276 01:59:51,267 --> 01:59:52,814 - He did it for me. - CABLE: Jesus. 2277 01:59:52,894 --> 01:59:54,646 - We must get the collar off. - Forget it. It's no use. 2278 01:59:54,729 --> 01:59:56,606 These collars don't just come off. 2279 01:59:56,690 --> 01:59:57,691 Wade. 2280 01:59:58,233 --> 01:59:59,860 I have an idea. 2281 02:00:00,193 --> 02:00:02,287 No, no, no! Let's not do that. Please! 2282 02:00:02,362 --> 02:00:04,740 I'd rather die of cancer. Let's just... 2283 02:00:04,823 --> 02:00:07,952 Oh, God! They do say the pen is grosser than the sword. 2284 02:00:08,034 --> 02:00:10,287 (COLLAR BUZZING) RUSSELL: We need the code. 2285 02:00:10,370 --> 02:00:12,247 Try, uh, seven? 2286 02:00:12,330 --> 02:00:13,877 DEADPOOL: Settle down, Captain Lucky. 2287 02:00:13,957 --> 02:00:15,379 It's not gonna be one number. 2288 02:00:15,458 --> 02:00:16,550 Oh, God, that's lazy writing. 2289 02:00:17,544 --> 02:00:18,887 I still got it. 2290 02:00:20,130 --> 02:00:21,347 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 2291 02:00:21,923 --> 02:00:23,891 Put that back in your prison wallet. 2292 02:00:25,593 --> 02:00:27,470 I don't know how to thank you. 2293 02:00:27,554 --> 02:00:29,056 But I do know how to hug you. 2294 02:00:29,514 --> 02:00:30,766 - No. - Yes. 2295 02:00:30,849 --> 02:00:32,317 Here we go. Bring it in. 2296 02:00:32,392 --> 02:00:33,393 Come on. 2297 02:00:33,518 --> 02:00:34,815 Pelvis to pelvis. 2298 02:00:34,978 --> 02:00:36,230 Let's go tip to tip. 2299 02:00:36,396 --> 02:00:38,899 There we go. The kids call this docking. 2300 02:00:38,982 --> 02:00:40,575 (KNIFE UNSHEATHES) 2301 02:00:40,650 --> 02:00:41,776 Is there a knife in my dick? 2302 02:00:41,860 --> 02:00:44,033 - There's a knife in your dick. - I'm just gonna back up now. 2303 02:00:44,112 --> 02:00:45,955 - Yeah, yeah. - No need to go full Yentl. 2304 02:00:46,030 --> 02:00:48,704 Gonna pretend like that never happened. 2305 02:00:48,867 --> 02:00:50,790 Let's go home, Russell. 2306 02:00:54,456 --> 02:00:56,208 All you dirty mutants 2307 02:00:56,291 --> 02:00:58,714 are gonna rot in hell with the boy! 2308 02:00:58,877 --> 02:01:01,847 Your souls are beyond redemption! 2309 02:01:02,005 --> 02:01:03,257 Let's see your soul, perv! 2310 02:01:03,339 --> 02:01:06,138 No, no! No! No more! We're better than that! 2311 02:01:06,217 --> 02:01:07,389 We're better than him! 2312 02:01:07,469 --> 02:01:10,143 No more senseless violence! No more bloodshed! 2313 02:01:10,221 --> 02:01:11,768 We'll let karma take care of him. 2314 02:01:11,848 --> 02:01:14,852 The day of reckoning is here! 2315 02:01:15,810 --> 02:01:17,062 (TIRES SCREECHING) 2316 02:01:17,187 --> 02:01:18,359 (CRASHING) 2317 02:01:24,194 --> 02:01:26,196 I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great. 2318 02:01:26,321 --> 02:01:27,493 Whoo! 2319 02:01:27,572 --> 02:01:29,074 Courage, motherfuckers! 2320 02:01:29,240 --> 02:01:30,492 And karma, motherfucker. 2321 02:01:30,575 --> 02:01:32,122 DEADPOOL: I could hear you coming the last 30 seconds. 2322 02:01:32,202 --> 02:01:34,170 I could barely keep a straight face. (LAUGHS) 2323 02:01:34,245 --> 02:01:36,043 I want some more. 2324 02:01:36,206 --> 02:01:37,879 I bet you do, Brown Panther. 2325 02:01:37,957 --> 02:01:40,961 We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up. 2326 02:01:41,544 --> 02:01:43,672 Good call. You guys coming with us? 2327 02:01:43,838 --> 02:01:45,761 No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. 2328 02:01:45,840 --> 02:01:47,137 Besides, we're X-Men. 2329 02:01:47,425 --> 02:01:49,974 No, you're X-People. 2330 02:01:50,136 --> 02:01:51,433 You're X-hausting. 2331 02:01:51,513 --> 02:01:53,186 I see what you did there. Puns. 2332 02:01:53,348 --> 02:01:54,725 Our door's always open. 2333 02:01:54,808 --> 02:01:56,560 That's kind, but I'm not ready to date again. 2334 02:01:56,643 --> 02:01:57,644 Let alone two women. 2335 02:01:58,770 --> 02:02:00,397 God, you're a douche. 2336 02:02:00,522 --> 02:02:02,616 - Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio! 2337 02:02:02,690 --> 02:02:04,033 ("WE BELONG" PLAYING) 2338 02:02:05,360 --> 02:02:06,407 DEADPOOL: What do you get 2339 02:02:06,486 --> 02:02:07,578 when you take eight feet of chrome... 2340 02:02:07,654 --> 02:02:08,780 one pinch of courage... 2341 02:02:08,863 --> 02:02:10,080 a cup of good luck... 2342 02:02:10,156 --> 02:02:11,658 a dab of racism... 2343 02:02:11,741 --> 02:02:12,913 a splash of diabetes... 2344 02:02:12,992 --> 02:02:15,336 and a wheelbarrow full of stage four cancer? 2345 02:02:15,745 --> 02:02:17,918 Answer: a family. 2346 02:02:18,498 --> 02:02:21,593 See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. 2347 02:02:21,668 --> 02:02:22,965 If there's anything you take away today... 2348 02:02:23,044 --> 02:02:26,173 other than the need to Google, "What the fuck is dubstep?"... 2349 02:02:26,256 --> 02:02:29,055 it's that we all need to belong to someone. 2350 02:04:26,125 --> 02:04:27,843 How something so small generates 2351 02:04:27,919 --> 02:04:29,466 enough energy to reverse time is... 2352 02:04:29,545 --> 02:04:31,889 Oh, just fix it, Eleven, 2353 02:04:31,965 --> 02:04:34,218 or I'll take it to the Genius Bar. 2354 02:04:34,300 --> 02:04:35,472 Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out. 2355 02:04:35,551 --> 02:04:36,552 Never heard of him. 2356 02:04:36,636 --> 02:04:38,104 Why do you think I'm helping him? 2357 02:04:39,389 --> 02:04:41,608 The Lord works in mysterious ways, 2358 02:04:41,683 --> 02:04:43,936 don't I? A good day. 2359 02:04:44,686 --> 02:04:45,687 Bye, Wade! 2360 02:04:46,187 --> 02:04:47,188 Bye, Yukio! 2361 02:04:48,523 --> 02:04:50,742 That was probably a bad idea. 2362 02:04:51,067 --> 02:04:52,193 What have we done? 2363 02:04:52,986 --> 02:04:54,988 ("IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME" PLAYING) 2364 02:05:10,628 --> 02:05:12,630 I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader. 2365 02:05:12,714 --> 02:05:14,057 (BOTH PANTING) (GASPS) 2366 02:05:22,807 --> 02:05:24,275 I'll be right back! 2367 02:05:26,227 --> 02:05:28,776 We're definitely naming our kid Cher! 2368 02:05:29,147 --> 02:05:30,148 Whoo! 2369 02:05:31,983 --> 02:05:33,235 DEADPOOL: Peter! 2370 02:05:33,317 --> 02:05:34,864 Whoo! X-Force! 2371 02:05:34,944 --> 02:05:37,163 Walk away! Just walk away! 2372 02:05:38,031 --> 02:05:39,874 - But we're X-Force! - Nope! We're not. 2373 02:05:40,074 --> 02:05:41,417 X-Force is just a marketing tool 2374 02:05:41,492 --> 02:05:42,744 designed by Fox executives... 2375 02:05:42,827 --> 02:05:44,500 to keep Josh Brolin employed. 2376 02:05:44,579 --> 02:05:45,876 It doesn't exist. 2377 02:05:46,122 --> 02:05:49,342 All right, well, this has been pretty scary! 2378 02:05:49,500 --> 02:05:51,047 And I need to feed my cat! 2379 02:05:51,210 --> 02:05:53,588 Go home, Sugarbear. Go home. 2380 02:05:53,755 --> 02:05:57,009 Okay. Will you give Domino my email? 2381 02:06:06,184 --> 02:06:08,061 Wade, is that you? 2382 02:06:10,313 --> 02:06:11,656 I guess Stryker finally 2383 02:06:11,731 --> 02:06:13,108 figured out how to shut you up. 2384 02:06:15,985 --> 02:06:17,362 (GUNSHOT) 2385 02:06:19,697 --> 02:06:22,951 Hey! It's me! Don't scratch! 2386 02:06:23,117 --> 02:06:25,119 Just cleaning up the timelines! 2387 02:06:25,203 --> 02:06:29,003 Look, eventually you're going to hang up the claws... 2388 02:06:29,082 --> 02:06:31,335 and it's gonna make a lot of people very sad. 2389 02:06:31,709 --> 02:06:32,710 Huh? 2390 02:06:32,794 --> 02:06:34,421 But one day, your old pal Wade's gonna ask you... 2391 02:06:34,504 --> 02:06:36,472 to get back in the saddle again. 2392 02:06:37,340 --> 02:06:39,889 And when he does, say yes. 2393 02:06:41,135 --> 02:06:43,103 Oh, right. (GUNSHOTS) 2394 02:06:44,013 --> 02:06:45,310 (WHISPERS) Love you! 2395 02:06:47,683 --> 02:06:49,310 Goddamn, that's beautiful. 2396 02:06:50,895 --> 02:06:51,896 (GUNSHOT) 2397 02:06:56,692 --> 02:06:58,535 You're welcome, Canada. 2398 02:07:11,040 --> 02:07:12,212 Boy howdy. 2399 02:07:14,085 --> 02:07:16,964 Hi. This is a toughie. (BABY CRYING) 2400 02:07:17,046 --> 02:07:18,047 Yeesh. 2401 02:07:18,339 --> 02:07:20,762 Oh, yes. You're already practicing your salute, huh? 2402 02:07:21,968 --> 02:07:24,767 Yes, you are. Well, we'll take care of that, won't we? 2403 02:07:24,846 --> 02:07:27,645 Jesus Christ! This is so much harder than I thought. 2404 02:07:28,474 --> 02:07:30,067 Oh, I'm going to hell. 2405 02:07:30,143 --> 02:07:31,736 That makes two of us. 2406 02:07:31,894 --> 02:07:32,986 You can do this. (CLICKS TONGUE) 2407 02:07:33,146 --> 02:07:36,150 This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. 2408 02:07:36,232 --> 02:07:37,404 All right. 2409 02:07:38,442 --> 02:07:39,568 (SIGHS) 2410 02:07:44,740 --> 02:07:46,663 Maximum effort. 2411 02:07:47,160 --> 02:07:50,130 ("IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME" CONTINUES PLAYING) 2412 02:09:08,366 --> 02:09:10,368 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 2413 02:12:54,550 --> 02:12:56,302 (CHOIR SINGING) 2414 02:13:24,830 --> 02:13:27,083 That's okay. Let me see here. 2415 02:13:27,166 --> 02:13:28,634 Oh, God. 2416 02:13:28,709 --> 02:13:30,632 That's why you're such a little bastard. 2417 02:13:30,711 --> 02:13:32,634 No one's ever changed you. 2418 02:13:33,130 --> 02:13:35,849 Yeah, you got a big, old stinky in there, don't you? 2419 02:13:35,925 --> 02:13:38,394 God, it smells like Hitler's anus... 2420 02:13:38,761 --> 02:13:41,310 which would makes sense, wouldn't it? Yeah. 2421 02:13:41,388 --> 02:13:42,514 I think we both know 2422 02:13:42,598 --> 02:13:43,724 I don't have what it takes to do this... 2423 02:13:43,807 --> 02:13:46,185 so I'm just gonna change your diaper real quick... 2424 02:13:46,268 --> 02:13:48,145 and then I'm gonna come back with my friend, Cable. 2425 02:13:48,229 --> 02:13:49,572 He loves killing kids.168960