Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Oh, Fras.

You make it home okay last night, buddy?

Yeah, thanks for putting me in that cab.

I figured you had a little too much

when you started making fun of that longshoreman's mother.

Good Lord, I don't remember a thing. What did I say?

Something like,

"Unions are for mommy's boys who can't get their own jobs."

Why didn't he kill me?

Well, you said you wanted to wait

and take him on when there were more people here.

So you said you'd meet the guy back here today about...

Right about now, actually.

The guy couldn't make it.

Whoop, there he is.

No, that's just a car.

Okay, why are you taunting me like some sort of plaything?

Oh, it's just my little hangover cure.

Didn't help me a bit.

No, but mine's gone completely.

- How are you doing, Woody? - Fine.

Is that a new shirt?

- You mean the one I'm wearing? - Yes.

You look very nice today. Very cute.

Really?

You mean it? Me?

I mean me, you think me look cute?

Well, I did.

Hey, fella, you a little sweet on Rebecca there?

Nah, get out.

No, come on. You got that kind of dopey look.

Hey, get over here. You can tell us. Come on.

Well, okay.

Last couple of months I have kind of noticed her.

In fact, if it weren't for Mr. Drake, I really might go after her.

Come on, Woody.

What's so funny?

No disrespect, Rhinestone Cowpie...

...but I really don't think her idea of a hot date

is a butter-churning contest in Tobacco Flats.

Hey, you're forgetting something. Miss Howe said I was cute.

Yeah, but, Woody, I think she thinks you're cute

kind of like she thinks a puppy dog is cute.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, is that a cut?

So you guys really don't think she'd go for me, huh?

I may just have to show you.

You couldn't get to first base.

First base, nothing. I could hit a home run with her.

- No, you can't hit a home run. - Can so.

In fact, by midnight tonight, I can get a kiss.

A kiss, huh? Is that what you meant by home run?

Yeah, sure, what else could it be?

I thought you meant "go all the way."

You mean, marry her?

Sam, where is your mind?

All right, wait a minute now.

I got ten bucks says Woody can get that kiss.

Come on, will you stop it, Norm?

I mean, Woody's got about as much chance

of getting a kiss out of Rebecca as Sammy here.

- Yeah. - Hey, whoa, listen.

Sure, Woody can't do it, but do you think I can't come through?

No, rumor has it, Sam,

that the woman finds you utterly repulsive.

Rumor, heck. It's in the newsletter.

Hey, would you guys give me a break?

You're talking to Sammy here. I am the king.

Yeah, well, when was the last time that Rebecca said you were cute?

Yeah, Sam, it might be time to hang up those lips, buddy.

Hey, no, no, hey, listen, I still got it,

and if you need proof, then fine.

I will get that kiss from her. And before Woody too.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, there's an expression we used to have back in Indiana.

- Yeah? - Same to you.

All right, all right. I got ten bucks on Woody.

Me too.

Yeah, I'll put 20 bucks down on the kid.

- You're putting 20 on Woody? - You're right, Sammy. Make that 50.

Come on, you're putting me on here.

No, Sammy. I mean, look at that face.

Okay, that sweet, innocent face.

The kind of face we all hate and resent, but we will cash in on it.

Okay, all right. You know, I'm gonna teach you doubters a lesson.

I'm gonna take all bets.

Okay, let's set the ground rules here.

- All right, wait a second. - Kiss before midnight tonight.

It's got to be a full one, on the lips, all four lips touching

for an entire three counts.

Wait, but there's got to be a bona fide witness.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

I think this is gonna be better

than our contest for the biggest spit bubble.

It's possible.

Now explain this to me.

If the winner is gonna get a kiss from Rebecca,

what does the loser get?

A kiss from Norm.

Then, of course, there is no loser.

So when are we gonna see some action?

What are you worried about? I got all day here.

I'll see you guys.

Anyway, I've got this sewn up.

I don't know, Sammy. I'm on your side, but, you know,

a lot of women come into this bar wanting to meet the sexy bartender.

More and more of them are not talking about you.

Hey, wait, listen,

you're not losing faith in me here, are you?

I mean, you still think I got it.

- Don't you? - Sure I do.

But, you know, you can't take this thing for granted.

Get a little older, you got to work harder.

Or date uglier.

Well, you know, come to think of it, Woody is kind of cute, isn't he?

Oh, this is not good. This is not good for my image at all.

I mean, if I let Woody win here,

then every young punk with a pair of lips

is gonna be challenging me.

All right, I got a way to go here.

Watch this.

Hey, hey, these go to table six. And you owe them some change.

Hey, boss.

- What, are you doing inventory? - That's right.

Boy, you know, it is getting warmer.

Maybe we ought to be ordering some more rum and...

Sam?

Oh, my God, are you all right?

No, no, not that. Mouth to mouth.

Are you sure?

Mouth to mouth.

All right. Oh, God, does anybody know mouth to mouth?

I do, I do, I do.

It's okay, I'm all right.

Works every time.

Low, Sammy, real low. Not worthy of the king.

Entering Nick Tortelli country.

Hey.

"King Woody.' Yeah, it does have a ring to it.

Yeah, say it, Sam. See what you think.

King Woody.

Your grace.

Afternoon, Woody.

Oh, yeah, hi.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, sure, great.

You wouldn't wanna know anyway.

Well, of course I would.

- Really? - Very much.

- You sure? - Yes.

- Honestly? - When was the last time

someone actually struck you?

Well, see, I'm trying out for this part in a play.

It's a really important part, and it's a really well-known play.

Bus Station.

You mean Bus Stop?

Oh, I'll never get it.

This is great. He's gonna be so worried about his dumb play

he's probably gonna forget all about the bet.

At least his memory loss isn't from senility.

Gee, I'm so glad you're on my side, Carla.

See, the thing is, the audition's tomorrow,

and I don't have a chance to work with any of the other actors

to prepare my part. Actors have to do that, you know.

Say, Miss Howe, do you think maybe you could read with me?

Oh, gee, Woody, I'm sorry. I'm really busy with this inventory.

Oh, yeah, sure. I understand.

I'll just lose the part.

All right, Woody.

But you have to promise to make it quick.

Thanks, Miss Howe.

Hey, I hope you don't mind. It's a love scene.

Did you hear that? Love scene.

Love scene.

Sometimes the little hamster falls asleep in the wheel.

- If you could just sit here. - All right, Woody.

But I'm expecting a beer distributor in five minutes.

- No problem. - Sell it. Make me believe it.

- Carla? - It really helps

- when you have an audience. - Is there gonna be any nudity?

Not unless you're planning something repugnant.

All right, so what are we doing here?

Okay, the scene is between a wayward young rodeo buck, Bo,

that'd be me, and the sexy showgirl, Cherie, that's you, I guess.

So where do we start?

Right here before it says they kiss.

Oh, oh, golly.

When you kiss someone for serious, it's kinda scary, ain't it?

Yeah, it is.

Now I'm supposed to kiss you.

Sorry, I hope I'm not interrupting anything here.

What is it, Sam?

We're out of vermouth.

So order more.

- Is that okay? - Yes, if we're out of it.

- We are. - Then order more.

- Vermouth? - Yes, Sam.

Would you excuse us, please?

Okay, where were we?

Oh, oh, golly.

When you kiss someone for serious, it's kinda scary, ain't it?

Yeah, it is.

Sorry. I wouldn't interrupt like this except it's important.

What is it, Sam?

I ordered the vermouth.

Sam, would you get out of here? We're right in the middle of a scene.

Oh, a play. I love good dramatic stuff.

What is this, Tennessee Ernie Ford?

Sam, get out.

- Come on. - All right.

Play fair.

Play fair?

That's my opinion of the play so far.

But with enough rehearsal, it might play great.

Okay, let's pick it up.

Oh, oh, golly.

When you kiss someone for serious, it's kinda scary, ain't it?

Yeah, it is.

Wait a minute.

I just ordered two cases of vermouth yesterday.

Sam's crazy.

Better make that move, Sammy. Time's getting short.

No, this is how I like it.

Late innings, game on the line.

The cool character steps to center stage.

I don't know, Sammy. You seem to be sweating a little bit up there.

- No, I'm not. - Yeah, it's okay.

There's nothing wrong with sweating. I myself have perspired once or twice.

We could grow rice.

Oh, watch this, guys.

Say, Rebecca...

Oh, excuse me for a minute.

Caroline, are you all right?

You look kind of depressed.

Oh, Sam, it's the same old thing.

- What? - I'm so in love with my boss

and I just can't get him to notice me.

Well, have you tried kissing him like this?

Oh, my God.

That was... That was...

Oh, thank heaven you showed it to me.

There's no way anyone could possibly describe it.

If I kissed him like that, he's bound to fall in love with me.

- Bye, Sam. - Bye-bye.

And you two have a great honeymoon.

Thank you so much.

- Anything to get my disc player back. - Hey, hey, hey.

By the way, Rebecca,

how are things between you and your boss?

Anything I can do?

These lips remind you of anything?

Yeah, I think the liver in my freezer's gone bad.

What happened?

She couldn't possibly have seen through your little morality play.

- Hey. - What's going on here?

Whatever do you mean?

Sam and Woody are trying desperately to kiss me.

Boy, someone's a little full of herself, isn't she?

Come on, Carla, what's the story here, one woman to another?

Why would I tell you something

about my two closest, best friends in the whole world?

- I'll give you a paid day off. - They got a bet.

They wanna see who could kiss you by the end of the shift tonight.

Why would they do such an asinine, juvenile thing?

Look at the contestants.

Actually, Woody's doing it because they were razzing him.

Sam's trying to prove he's still got it.

Other than that, just cheap thrills.

Don't tell them I know.

Wait a minute.

You're not cooking up something that's gonna humiliate my friends

and make them look stupid, are you?

- Well, yeah. - How can I help?

Oh, Miss Howe? Can I ask you a question?

Sure, Woody, what do you wanna know?

Which key unlocks the storage room?

I don't know. Hold it still.

Look carefully. Very carefully.

You're getting sleepy.

Very sleepy.

- Woody. - Very, very sleepy.

You'll do whatever I say.

Woody, go to sleep.

Oh, no, I made her disappear.

To recap,

sitting in the bar today we have, among others,

a man who is actually simple enough to hypnotize himself.

I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all.

Ten-hut!

Happily, I stand corrected.

Well, it's time for me to be all that I can be.

You enlisted in the Army, you idiot?

Hey, we do more by 9 a.m. than most people do all day.

And that's a selling point to you?

Yeah, yeah, I've had a bellyful of that Ayatollah guy.

Quite frankly, I don't like

what's been happening in the Persian Gulf.

So I'm off to Persia.

I just wanted to shake a few hands,

say goodbye, kiss a few girls for the last time.

Well, baby,

this is goodbye.

Yeah, this may be the last time you ever see this Dogface.

You can always take a gander at this one.

Sam, I had no idea you were this dedicated.

This is a wonderful thing you're doing for our country.

Well, thank you.

Kiss me, Sam. Kiss me.

No, I can't kiss another soldier. Not after Kevin.

- Kevin? Who's Kevin? - Kevin is my boyfriend in high school.

We loved each other, then he enlisted in the Army and he never wrote

- and I never saw him again. - He sounds like a creep.

- Kiss me and make him jealous. - No, Sam, I'm sorry.

Come home safely, doughboy.

Damn! I mean, what does it take?

Well, maybe you're being too subtle.

One hour.

I don't think either of you heartthrobs got the lips to win.

Serves you right if you lose, Sam, doing all that weird stuff.

Me? What about you? You and that acting routine.

You know something, Woody?

I'm getting a little sick and tired of you.

You and your wholesome farm boy bit.

You're not so dumb.

I resent that.

You're just upset because you're not king of the hill.

Well, that's too bad. And I'll tell you another thing.

I'm thinking about not writing you when you're overseas.

Break my heart.

Sam, can I speak with you a moment?

You sure can.

Sam, I know what you and Woody are up to.

- I don't know what you're... - I want you to win.

- What? - I want you to win.

All right!

And they said that I was losing it.

Okay, so let's get on with the dirty deed here.

No, we have to make this look really natural.

Otherwise they'll think the kiss is a setup.

Kiss? Oh, sweetheart, no, someone misled you there.

We're supposed to sleep together.

- You're trying my patience. - All right.

A kiss, a kiss. Okay.

So how do you wanna do this?

All right, here's the plan. You go home and change.

And I'll tell the others I'm really beat

and I have to go in and take a nap in my office.

And you come back and wake me.

And I'll act like I'm having this really erotic dream

and give you this long, passionate kiss.

Oh, God, I love it. I love this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Carla's supposed to witness this.

Okay, bring her along.

And then I'll spit and rinse my mouth out

to make it look really legit.

Nice touch. Nice touch.

Yeah, so long there.

Oh, wait a minute. What have you got on your lips there?

No one.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Listen, I know what you and Sam are up to,

and I want you to win.

- Hey, Cliff ie. - Hi, Sam.

- Where is everybody? - Most have gone home.

Carla's in the back. Rebecca's asleep in her office.

- Rebecca asleep? - Yeah.

She said she was up late last night doing the books or something.

No, wait, she said she wanted me to wake her up right about now.

- Better go do that. - Oh, no, no, that's my job.

Wanna help me here, Carla?

Sammy and Woody, sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

You were supposed to be Miss Howe.

That's a rotten thing you did.

Don't talk to me about rotten, what about this kissing nonsense?

Yeah, that's different. There's money involved.

Well, I am gonna say this once and once only,

I am a person who cannot be used.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to drive Mr. Drake's valet to the airport.

Call me a romantic,

but I always knew you two would end up together.

I can't believe I kissed you.

You're lucky I don't punch your lights out, man.

- Yeah, you and what army? - Hey, guys. Come on, now.

Relax. Jeez, you guys. You were tricked. It's no big deal.

I mean, you're such good friends. You mean a lot to each other.

I mean, don't walk away mad. Come on, kiss and make up.

Remember, you both owe me a big wet one.

I couldn't stay mad at you, Sam. You're just like a brother to me.

Yeah, and if anyone ever does knock off the king around here,

I guess I hope it's you, man.

- No hard feelings? - No hard feelings.

Sam, now that everything's okay, can I ask you something guy to guy?

Yeah, sure.

How was I?

Oh, don't do that.

No, I mean, it's a question you can't ask a girl.

I mean, is there anything I need to work on?

No, I don't wanna talk about this, man.

Well, I was nervous, so I might have been a little dry.

Oh, yuck! Yuck!

No, I'm serious, Sam.

Hey, do you wanna know how you were?