Original subtitles

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Previously on Shining Vale...

Whatever's plaguing your mother

will eventually come after you.

Wear this medal. It'll offer protection.

My mom always wore hers,

but she wasn't wearing it when she died.

Are you still in touch with your friend Ryan?

He lives with his cool uncle in L.A.

I might be pregnant.

I'm just focusing on work.

- Fuck off. - I'm Ennio, from Italy.

I'm writing a book about how asylums abuse women.

Who are you?

I'm Nellie.

I'm Daisy. I used to live here.

What the hell?

- Jake... - Oh, boy.

My Leo is an angel. He was stillborn.

I'm the worst mom.

Maybe, but you're a genius writer.

You'll have to come speak at our book club.

Sounds great.

- Your dad and I are separating. - Thank fucking Jesus.

I want two Christmases.

I think you're still hooked on your wife.

This isn't a fucking dream!

Oh, no. They got you, too?

You're fucking kidding me.

Okay, Roxy, one shit for Mommy.

Let's go.

Okay, not for Mommy.

One shit for Roxy.

Hello?

Oh...

a deer.

Pat, is that you?

I'm just walking the dog.

Wait. Are you pregnant?

God damn it!

Isn't this nice?

I wish my mother had gone with me to my abortion.

Yeah. This makes up for all the missed recitals,

games, birthdays, and graduation.

I'm not getting an abortion.

I just had two really weird dreams.

I want to make sure.

Well, whatever you decide to do about the baby,

I support you 100%.

But I will say,

having you was the second-best decision I ever made.

Hmm. I'm not gonna ask what the first was.

- Getting my abortion. - Oh, yeah.

Do you how hard it is to find you a Mother's Day card?

Phelps.

Hi. Um, I'm here for a pregnancy test.

Is it for your daughter?

Oh, I'm not her daughter.

No, it's for me.

When was your last period?

- When was the Challenger? - Oh, my God.

Can I just take the test, please?

Okay, just have a seat, Gaynor.

Uh, I'm Pat.

Gaynor's my daughter.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

She probably shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, probably not.

I texted you three hours ago.

Well, I don't have to answer to you anymore, sweetheart.

Remember? I'm a free agent.

Plus, I was playing pickleball with Laird.

Can you believe that? I do shit like that now.

I'm playing pickleball out there, Pat.

Best shape of my life. I've scheduled a physical.

Oh, and I, uh, tried spicy Thai food.

And I tried cocaine, and I quit.

My job, not the coke.

I love that little devil's dust.

I think what I'm discovering

is that I love the freedom of having a life

without the burden of family responsibility, you know?

- What's this? - It's a pregnancy test.

- You peed on this? - That's how you use it.

Listen, I know this must be a shock to you,

'cause it certainly is to me, but...

You're still focused on the pee stick, aren't you?

I'm just thinking of a circumstance

where I would hand you something covered in urine.

I'm fucking pregnant, Terry.

Hey, all right.

How do we know it's yours?

- What? - I don't know.

With all due respect, you're a little old

to be getting pregnant.

Yeah, and you're a little old

to wear bike shorts, but here we are.

All right, don't worry.

It'll probably take care of itself.

That's a lot to ask of a baby.

I mean, my body will absorb it.

No, no, no, you know, let's think about this.

Maybe, uh... maybe we don't want to absorb it, you know?

- Maybe we should do this thing. - Really?

Because about ten seconds ago,

all you could talk about was doing blow

and playing "pickleboard" with Laird.

It's called pickleball.

It's America's fastest-growing sport.

I mean, think about it.

I'm out there trying to find out who I am.

Maybe I'm supposed to be a parent.

You are a parent.

Well, I mean of a... of a new one, you know?

Wouldn't you like the idea of, you know, having a little baby

that looks like me and you.

Don't have to imagine. We have two.

- Mm. - And they were so adorable.

But now they're teenagers.

Yeah, well, we'll be dead by then for that one.

And, look, we get all the good parts,

and then we leave.

All right, well, don't get too attached to the idea,

because it probably won't get too attached to my uterus.

Well, if you don't mind,

I'd like to stick around and find out.

You know, if we're gonna be a family,

I think it's important for both of us to be around.

Come on, let's tell the kids.

No fucking way. You promised us you were getting a divorce.

Does this mean that we're not getting two Christmases?

Sweetie, that was never gonna happen.

I don't think we were gonna do that.

Why would you go back on the one good thing

you've done for this family?

Why would you promise a second Christmas?

You know how much I love first Christmas!

Because your father and I want to try to make it work.

- And your mom's pregnant. - Ugh!

- Oh, Terry. - How did that even happen?

We had unprotected intercourse.

- Oh, my God. - Well, it's true.

Okay, how is it even possible? You're old.

- People my age can have babies. - In the Bible.

You're gonna be dead by the time the baby is four.

- That's the plan. - From your lips to God's ears.

It's not even gonna be a baby.

I mean, it's gonna be a sponge with teeth,

and I'm not gonna clean out its tubes and water it.

Honey, we're a family.

We're all gonna water it.

You're just trying to save your failed marriage

by having a baby you're gonna have to carry around in a ladle.

You're so selfish.

Who wouldn't want more of those?

- I don't know. - Yeah.

I'll go talk to her.

Hey.

I haven't talked to you in a while.

I know. Thank you.

I was thinking about your friend Ryan.

If you ever want to talk

about anything that happened with him,

I'm always here.

I'm good.

Oh, you literally meant always here.

Gaynor...

Hey.

I want you know that I would never judge you

for anything that you had to do

to get through these last few months.

I'm incredibly proud of how strong you are.

All jokes aside...

... if I really had this baby, I promise you,

I will not love it any more than I love you.

Mom?

Yeah, sweetie?

I bet you will love the baby more

because it will help with the dishes.

Because it'll be a sponge or because it'll have eight arms?

Both.

Cool.

Book sales are up nationally. And, oh, this is funny.

A woman in West Virginia who was reading your book

killed her husband with an ax.

What? How is that funny?

Well, it's more ironic than funny.

I... You know what? I actually think it's funny.

I think you're too close to it.

Anyway, women all over are seeing themselves in Rosemary.

It's like you're saying it's okay

for a... an average, middle-aged woman

to go a little crazy, and they're fucking loving it.

A little crazy? She murdered her family.

Well, I think it's a metaphor.

I-I don't know. You're the writer.

Look, it is all perfect timing

for your appearance at the Shining Vale Ladies Book Club.

Yeah, it's also perfect timing for "fat fucking chance."

A woman named Robyn who sounds like if croquet was a person

said you already agreed.

You're gonna listen to Robyn? She's fucking crazy.

Well, book clubs are big business, baby.

I think it's great press

to get a picture of you doing one in your hometown.

So think about it.

And then do it, 'cause it's tomorrow.

Oh, fine. All right, hold on one second.

I got to talk to this little girl.

Hi, sweetie. Oh, my goodness.

Look how cute you are.

Um, can I get, uh, a shortbread,

a peanut butter, um, another peanut butter.

- Say thank you, Chrissie. - Thank you!

Okay. Not so fast, Chrissie.

I also want, uh, four mint chocolates.

Okay, I'm done.

Are we shopping for the apocalypse?

I'm pregnant.

Holy fuck!

Sorry, Chrissie.

Are you sure?

'Cause two years ago, my grandmother thought

that she was pregnant, and it was really an impacted shit.

I thought it was, too, but I am pregnant,

and the only people who know are you, Terry, and the kids.

- Well, how'd they take it? - Thanks.

Well, Terry was excited, Gaynor's mean,

and Jake is Jake, you know.

He's easy. I never have to worry about him.

Ahh.

I'm telling you... that thing was ringing.

And that wall just opened up out of nowhere.

It hasn't done that before or since.

Sorry, girl.

I just don't think it's happening.

I told you!

Roxy!

Roxy!

Roxy.

Oh, no way, perv.

Okay, if you're here to stalk me,

you should know I come from a long line of insane women

who chop up men and get away with it.

Gaynor.

It's nice to see you again.

Hey, did you know the Valerie "Hee"?

Okay, it's pronounced Valerie He,

and, uh, no, I've never heard of her.

You wear medals just like hers.

All right. Are you a cop?

No.

I am exorcist.

Okay, come in.

Grazie.

You've had a remarkable recovery, Terry.

I'll see you in six months.

Actually, there is one thing I'm a little concerned about.

That's not cocaine. I had a sesame bagel this morning.

It's this right here.

The O?

I think it's a blood type, Doctor.

That's your testosterone. It's a zero.

What? What does that mean?

It means...

... on paper, you're a woman.

Well, just run it again.

I think all the cocaine's messing with my numbers.

The good news is, it's extremely treatable.

There's a testosterone cream that's popular,

but in your case, I'd recommend

a rigorous regimen of injections.

- And I'd start yesterday. - Yeah.

Well, this is bullshit, okay? 'Cause I'm fine.

I'm fine, motherfucker!

I got a baby coming, and I got a beard.

And Mrs. Phelps is knocked up. She's fucking pregnant.

It's up to you, but if left untreated,

you can expect bone loss, decreased muscle mass,

hot flashes, depression,

even breast growth.

You can always get a second opinion.

You want a second opinion?

How about you talk to my wife's vagina?

What are you fucking looking at?

Roxy!

Ugh!

Sorry, rat.

Ooh.

Roxy, where are you?

I met Ryan at chastity club,

and me being me, I stupidly had unprotected sex with him.

So, while he goes to move in

with his really cool uncle in L.A.,

I'm stuck here dealing with this shitshow.

Wait. Uh, sorry, what did you ask me?

Um...

I ask if you like steamed milk.

Ah.

This is a special cappuccino.

If you no like, you get your money back.

Look, I-I work in a coffee shop, so...

- Christ, that's really good. - I have a magic touch.

And we have the same coffee machine in Italy.

- It's a very good one. - Oh, yeah.

My dad stole that from the guy my mom boned.

You are funny, Gaynor.

Listen, um...

I came here because the Valerie He

sent a lot of letters to the Vatican about this house.

She believed there is, um...

a demon living here.

Oh, yeah. She's not home right now.

Then I'll come back another day.

Or night.

Uh, day, um, is probably better.

Whatever...

You have, uh...

Eh, I will go now.

Ciao, Gaynor.

Yeah, I have a type.

What the H is this place?

Whoa.

Daisy.

Whoa.

Boobs.

We are so lucky

to have the author of this month's book,

Rosemary's Revenge.

Hi, Pat.

Hi, Robyn.

- And ladies. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, so who's gonna be first?

Mrs. Stephen Edwards.

Well, I loved page four.

Page four was great,

but page 13 really hit the spot.

Did anyone actually read the book?

I read it.

And then I read it again.

Oh, good.

And again.

And I fucking loved it.

Oh, thank you, Principal Woodcock,

for your passionate endorsement.

No, thank you.

Yeah, put this directly in my veins.

So visceral.

It's like you were inside me.

Okay, why don't you settle down, Sandy?

Why don't you fuck off, Robyn?

I didn't jump up your asshole when you lost your dick

to that book about the singing crawfish last year!

- Oh. - Okay, wine break.

- Oh, yay. - Yeah.

I really am a big... huge fan of yours.

- I can tell. - Okay.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, she actually reads the book.

Okay, I just... I need a quick picture for my editor,

and I've got to get out... I don't feel good.

I mean, you have to have a glass of Chardonnay at least.

- It's a book club. - Yeah, I'm not drinking.

- Sushi? - No.

- Soft cheese? - I can't.

- Oysters? - Pass.

- Cigarette? - I wish.

- Chardonnay? - You're on a loop.

The truth is, I am pregnant,

and please, please don't say anything.

Oh, Pat!

Congratulations! Congratulations!

You have to see Dr. Skapoli.

We all use him.

Oh, Dr. Skapoli?

Oh, yum. I love that man.

You know, I actually trim up my hoo-ha before I go see him.

Okay, Mrs. Stephen Edwards. Ugh!

Is someone pregnant?

Pat's pregnant!

- We are so excited for you! - Congratulations!

- That's amazing! - Oh, my God.

- You're really glowing! - We love you!

- We'll be there for you. - You're so beautiful.

Can everyone just shut the fuck up?

I'm sorry.

I just want a picture.

- Ooh, that's a great idea. - Oh, that's a great idea.

I need to be in the front.

You suck as a parent, but you are my fucking hero.

I wish I was that baby inside you.

Okay.

What the fuck?

So, uh, what exactly are you looking for?

This, that, vapors...

demon-y stuffs.

Wait.

Don't move.

Bella.

Jerk, you scared me.

- Give me that. - No, no.

Stop. Ow.

Wait. No fair.

Hey.

- What happens here? - That's up to you.

No, I mean this bar.

It feels cold.

Ah, it's probably the ice and shit, hmm.

Okay.

All done.

Don't you have to, like, bless it or something?

No, I will send this to the Vatican,

except for this one.

This I keep for good luck.

Shut the fuck up.

Wait. Okay.

I'm gonna take one of you.

I go now.

Listen, if you feel or you see anything weird,

you call me, yes?

Yes.

Okay.

Ciao, bella.

Oh, God damn,

that's a hot exorcist.

Huh?

Ugh!

A little stork told me you're expecting.

Wow, that got around quick.

I brought you some of Leo's things...

Diapers, onesies...

and shoes... never worn.

You kept everything?

Well, you can only bury 'em in one outfit, right?

- Yep. - So...

you got a good OB-GYN?

I hear Dr. Skapoli is amazing.

Yep, he seems like the go-to guy in Shining Vale,

but I see Dr. Bellamy in Manhattan.

Bellamy? I never heard of him.

You sure you don't mean Schwartz?

No, it's Dr. Bellamy. He delivered both my kids.

Well, that's ancient history.

When was the last time you had your hoo-ha checked?

I don't know, but it wasn't that long ago.

Your biscuit is not my business,

but that being said,

I will not leave until you make an appointment.

Okay, fine.

Hi. Uh, I'd like to make an appointment

with Dr. Bellamy uh, for early next week, if that's possible.

This is Pat Phelps.

What? When?

Okay. Um, yeah, you too.

Thank you.

He died seven years ago.

Well, that's great. It's settled, then.

We'll set you up with Dr. Skapoli.

You know, I got a great feeling about this baby,

and I've never been wrong.

Except once.

I'm so sorry you're not a mom.

You know, it doesn't seem fair that someone like me

could possibly have a third and you've never had a shot.

One thing I know... anyone who is as critical

of her maternal skills as you are is a damn great mom.

Then I must be the best 'cause I am the fucking worst.

Uh-uh.

I love you.

Other people, they see me maybe as some kind of kook.

You let me in, and that means the world to me.

So I'll just give... Uh...

So...

make sure you call Skapoli.

I love you.

That is one kooky bitch.

Come here, baby. Come here. Ooh.

Why are you so dirty?

- Mom? - Yeah.

I'll... I'll be right there.

Mom!

Pat, I think I got man tits.

Well, I'm disgusted by it, too.

I got an ass. I...

My features are so soft.

I think this makes you a lesbian.

Really?

That's supposed to be kind of in these days, you know?

Ahh.

Oh, God.

Uh, I'm sorry.

What were you saying? I-I couldn't hear you.

Can you open this for me?

I literally lost the gap between my thigh and my ass.

It's like a big flap.

Oh, my God, Terry. Just take the testosterone.

Yeah, it was one thing to do a bunch of coke,

but do I really want to put a bunch of...

weird chemicals in my body?

God damn it.

Well, you're talking to the wrong person.

Maybe I'm too old to be a dad.

Well, you got the tits to be a mom.

What the hell, Pat?

God, why don't you just finish me off with the ax now?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I've just been hearing all week how old I am.

You can take it.

You're beautiful.

Thank you.

It's just been a lot.

Well, guess the good news is at least we're doing it together.

Hmm.

I'm glad you came back to die with me.

Yeah, me too.

Abe Bellamy, hmm?

Well, there's a name from the past.

He delivered both of our kids.

Oh, you know, he delivered my wife.

All right, so your uterus

has a nice, beautiful thick lining,

so I think you've got a pretty good chance

- at seeing this through. - Through what? A jar?

Um, I've seen older pregnancies.

In humans?

No, but, you know, getting pregnant at your age,

that's the hard part, right?

You have got a good shot at a healthy baby.

Aw.

So you're saying I'm... I'm just gonna have a normal pregnancy?

Well, it would be a geriatric pregnancy.

- Forgive the term. - I wasn't offended

when I had my first geriatric pregnancy 18 years ago.

Oh, okay, so then you know that we just need

to take a little bit of extra care... that's all.

Okay, so do you guys want a picture?

Yeah, sure.

- Oh. - No, no, no, honey.

He means of the baby.

Yeah.

Huh.

That's weird.

Must be a loose cable. Let me just, uh, check it.

Oh, and there is one more thing.

Given your mental-health history,

there is a teeny, tiny risk of pregnancy psychosis.

Now, we think it has to do with increased hormone levels,

but, really, it's amazing how much we don't even know.

Anyway, the symptoms include hallucinations,

delusions, mood swings, and depression.

Again, it affects such an itsy-bitsy percentage of women.

I am just ethically obligated to mention it.

Amazing.

Here, meet your new baby.

Aw, look at that.

- A little... a little ba... oh, no. - No.

Yeah.

Hey...

baby.

Oh, God.

- God! - Ah, you're such a baby!

- God! - It's just a testosterone shot.

I think I already feel it.

Look at this.

You'd tell me if I get too jacked, right?

I promise.

Or if my balls shrink? That's a real thing.

Honey, I honestly don't have the bandwidth

to talk about your balls today.

What's wrong with you?

I don't know. I'm just thinking, um...

What if I pass my crazy on to the baby?

You're gonna pass so many amazing things

on to this little baby,

and if one of them's crazy, then...

they'll fix it...

just like they fixed you.

I'm gonna take a shower.

You think I should take a before picture of my testicles?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, I will.

Oh, God.

You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be fine.

Oh, come on.

Mom?

Jake?

- Where are you? - In the wall!

Which wall?

I think I'm downstairs.

Jake?

Jake?

I'm here!

Jake.

Don't stop banging!

Don't stop banging!

Why did you stop banging?

Jake?

Oh, hey, Mom.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, my God, you are a mess.

How long have you been in there?

Uh, only, like, four hours and, uh, three days.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

Oh, God.

I promise you...

I'm gonna be a better mom.

I am. I'm gonna be better.

- Okay. - Okay.

Go shower.

- Oh, my God. - Oh.

Can I tell you about what I found in there?

Spoiler alert... it's old-timey boobs and candy.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, babe.

Uh...

Stay away!

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -