Original subtitles

All right, everyone, as you know, the NYPD

intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn.

I'll be evaluating the Nine-Nine and sending

my findings to the deputy commissioner.

Are there any questions?

Yeah, Veronica, are you sure you're

the best person for that job, given our, um,

you know… Sexual past.

Thank you, Detective Boyle.

HOPKINS: Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly.

I won't let the fact that you and I have a history together

affect the decision I have to make in any way, whatsoever.

Well, that's certainly good to hear.

I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over,

and it's given me a fear of intimacy

that has affected every subsequent relationship,

but there's no reason I can't remain unbiased.

The way you just said that makes it seem like you actually are biased.

I have no idea what you mean.

That is all.

Okay, the plan is clear.

Sarge, you divorce Sharon, abandon your children,

get back together with that monster. The precinct is saved.

I'm not leaving my family.

Come on. You didn't even consider it!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Why won't you print? Screw this.

No, no, no. Not again. What is going on here?

Stupid printer won't print out my stupid résumé.

Which means I can't send it to any decent stupid precincts

when this stupid place shuts down.

That's not gonna happen. Why are you being such a gloomy Gus?

I'm a realistic Randy. Didn't go with "Rosa"?

[SIGHS] I'm gonna have to meet a whole new group of people. I hate people.

Life sucks. Nothing good ever happens.

That's not true. Come on. What does Captain Holt always tell us?

Be a good cop, do your job, things will work out.

Yep, just this morning, I found this old bag

on the street and it has a cupcake inside.

See? Scully found a garbage cake,

and I found us a dream case, involving one Ms. Cassie Sinclair.

From Serve & Protect? Yeah.

That is my favorite cop show. Yeah.

Apparently, her laptop was stolen, and it had

"sensitive materials" on it.

You know what that's code for?

Bank account numbers. Nudies.

One or the other, I'm not a pervert.

The point is, gloomy Gus,

not everything is terrible. Maybe you're right.

Maybe life isn't a miserable unending maggot-filled pile of crap.

Yeah. There you go. Let's go find some nudies,

or bank account numbers. Both would be helpful.

Guys, we gotta do something about Veronica.

She's really out to get us.

We just need to find out what horrible thing Terry did to this woman,

so he can apologize and make it right.

I've been wracking my brain. I can't think of anything.

Did you cheat on her?

No! I would never do that.

Did you date one of her friends right after you broke up?

Uh-uh. I cut off ties with all our mutual friends.

Even Tommy. Terry loved Tommy. Tommy turned Terry onto tennis.

SANTIAGO: Well, you did something to her.

We'll just have to get Veronica to tell us what it was.

It's time for a little girl talk.

You really think you can handle girl talk?

SANTIAGO: Relax.

I got this.

Hey, Veronica.

It's time for some girl talk.

Let me see that bra!

Excuse me?

Didn't work. What else we got?

Hey. Huh.

Whoa. [SIGHS]

This is dope. "Dope" is right.

Welcome to the dream factory.

Hey, man, we gotta be cool. All right?

I know you have some fantasy about being a movie star.

I don't fantasize about being a movie star.

I fantasize about meeting one,

and being invited to a party at George Clooney's villa,

where he pranks me, and then we prank Matt Damon together.

And then, Damon's like, "Peralta,

"you got the goods, you're gonna be the star of my next movie."

Yeah, maybe, I do wanna be a movie star.

Heads up. Here she comes. Okay.

Hey. Miss Sinclair. I'm Detective Diaz.

This is Detective Peralta.

I like the way you wear your badge.

Can I steal that? Absolutely. Oh, hey.

Here's another little nugget for you, if you'd like. [CLEARS THROAT]

Thanks for coming down to the precinct.

Oh, and, one more thing, I'm a cop.

Wouldn't the person already know that if they were at the precinct?

No, it works.

So, you had your laptop stolen?

Yeah, last night. Someone broke into my trailer, jimmied the lock.

Found out this morning from the Second AD.

"AD." Announcing Department.

Assistant Director.

Oh, that's even better.

Hey, hi, Cassie. Who is this?

Well, this is Peralta and Diaz from the NYPD. They're here about my laptop.

Oh, I didn't think you were gonna involve the cops in this.

But, well, that's okay, here they are.

I'm Gary Lurmax. I'm the executive producer.

Oh, your name comes up at the end of every episode

with that parrot that says, "Talk to my lawyer."

Well, that's actually Walter, my pet African gray.

[SIGHS] So cool. Anyways, we're real cops.

Should we look at the crime scene?

Captain, can we talk?

Boyle, you know my feelings about bathroom conversations.

Steadfastly against.

I know, I just don't want Veronica to overhear.

I know what she's going through.

I've been broken up with six times.

Really? Only six? Yep.

Wait. Does it count if they end the relationship,

but still wanna be friends?

Yes.

Oh, then, 210. My point is, I'm worried

that Veronica will never forgive Terry.

Is there anyone above her that you can appeal to?

She reports to Deputy Commissioner Grayson.

I've already tried to set up a meeting with him.

He's on vacation with his family in the Poconos.

Okay, so, maybe we find out where he's staying,

and just happen to run into him,

and accidentally strike up a little convo about the Nine-Nine.

Well, that seems rather underhanded.

Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.

What? "Measures." I said measures.

Frankly, sir, I know it's not protocol,

but we don't have any other option.

Yes. Good point. It's not protocol.

But it just might work. You know, Boyle, you're a bad influence on me.

[SIGHS] I've never been a bad influence on anyone.

Should I bring my leather jacket?

It's ankle-length and fitted. I won't bring it. It's too nice.

Well, I always keep my laptop in this bag.

But, this morning, it was gone.

Nine times outta 10, in a case like this, it's a stalker.

Whoever jimmied the lock didn't know what they were doing.

I concur. This was a real hack job.

Hi, Mark Devereaux.

He plays Detective Cole Tracker on the show.

Yeah, he does. And if I know Cole Tracker,

the next thing you're gonna say is…

TOGETHER: "So, what's it gonna be? Rock, paper, scissors…"

"Or gun?"

You watch the show. I like that. So, get me up to speed.

Who's been in here since the incident?

DIAZ: What's he doing?

Oh, I think he must be one of those actors

who has to stay in character all the time.

I heard Dustin Hoffman did this

on the set of Tootsie and everyone hated it.

Oh, no. He just thinks he's a detective,

because he's been playing one for 15 years.

I can hear you. Uh, look at the time.

Well, they need you on the set, Cassie. I'll walk you over.

Ooh. Has anyone noticed this crumb?

Might wanna bag that. Send it to the boys at the lab.

Well, what have we here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't touch that!

Isn't this the case the laptop was in?

Yes, but in real life, when we handle evidence,

we gotta wear gloves.

I never wear gloves on the show.

The fans love to see my fingers.

Almost as much as they love seeing my feet.

-Google it. -BOTH: No.

Check it out. Devereaux gave me his card

and said, "Call me if you can think of anything else."

Just like on the show.

Does he know we're the real cops?

-I don't think so. -GARY: Hey, guys.

You know, you two have a really compelling dynamic.

Would you ever consider being consulting producers for the show?

Absolutely. What does that mean?

Well, we'd pay you to come in, in your off hours,

talk to the writers, tell them your stories,

lend the show a little authenticity.

I can't believe I've been talking to people

for free all these years like an idiot.

Great. I'll run it by the studio.

He's gonna run it by the studio, Rosa.

I told you, if you're good cops, you do your job,

things will work out and they do.

I don't know, man. Something's weird.

I think that job offer's bogus. He's trying to buy us off.

Look, I don't know about you, but I can't be bought off.

And it's gonna take a hell of a lot more than some job offer

to make me compromise the integrity of the badge.

Hey Jake, catering sent over some chicken fingers.

Oh!

What is wrong with you?

We're working a case we're definitely gonna solve,

we're hanging out with cool people.

Don't ruin this with all your Rosa-ness.

Think about it. That producer guy didn't want us here at all.

And then, after watching us work for, like,

two seconds, he offers us a job?

It doesn't make sense.

That's just how showbiz works, you rube.

Listen to yourself. You're letting all this cloud your judgment.

I love clouds. They keep the sun away on hot days.

He doesn't want us to solve the crime, so he is buying us off.

It's shady. I love the shade.

It keeps the sun away on hot days.

Besides, he's a rich guy. What's his motive for stealing a laptop?

Leverage. He and Cassie have been fighting about her contract.

It's been all over the news.

The trades. They call them "the trades" here.

We read them in our trailers after we wrap and before we go home.

Fun fact, stars use the word "home," too.

They're just like us.

That job offer wasn't real.

None of this is real.

Yes, it is! All right?

I know Hollywood and I know what's real!

For example, this door is fake. Not a real door.

It's a "doorn't." As in, doorn't open this. And doorn't ruin my dreams.

Okay, Sarge, we just want to walk through your breakup step by step.

It doesn't mean we think you did anything wrong.

Start talking, butthead!

I didn't do anything! I respect women. I'm a feminist.

I believe women should be on all the money.

I wanna pay for a sandwich with a $10 Ellen DeGeneres.

Maybe you hurt Veronica's feelings without meaning to?

Nope. I planned the perfect breakup.

We got dinner at a mid-range restaurant.

Nice enough to show I care, but not so nice

she thought a proposal was coming.

I even got her a classy breakup present,

plus, a gift receipt, in case she wanted to exchange it.

And I said just the right words.

You deserve the world.

You deserve a man that can make you happy,

and it is the greatest displeasure of my life that I cannot be that man.

Thank you, Terrence.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm not saying you're lying, Mr. Jeffords,

but if that's how things went down,

why is Veronica so angry, you stupid liar?

I don't know. You don't know?

Well, we could stay here all night long

until your story starts making sense.

I wanna figure this out, too, but I have to go home eventually.

You think anyone cares about your damned plans?

I know I don't. Do you care, Amy?

No, I don't.

Okay, so, remember, this is Deputy Commissioner Grayson

and his smokin' hot wife.

You'll recognize her because she looks like an older Patti LuPone.

And you're sure that this is the floor they're staying on?

Yes. I called his secretary and pretended to be his mother.

Or should I say, "The Lady Grayson."

Very sly. It's a little trick

I picked up from the original bad boy, Mr. Bugs Bunny.

Commissioner Grayson, is that you?

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Raymond Holt. Captain of the Nine-Nine.

What are you doing here?

I'm on vacation.

You? Vacation.

Vacation. Vacation. Vacation.

While we're on the subject of things,

are you, by any chance, in charge

of the Brooklyn precinct contraction?

I don't want to talk about that.

If you have an issue, bring it up with your auditor.

Well, our auditor is actually…

Listen, fellas.

If you think you're helping your precinct's cause, you're not.

Hey, sexy. Are you ready to go?

This is my goddaughter.

WOMAN: What?

So, Grayson's a philanderer.

What's that got to do with the price of onions?

I don't know, sir. This could be an opportunity.

I mean, WWBD, right?

What would Bugs do?

Good question. What would Bugs do?

Bugs would blackmail Grayson!

Then I, sir, am no Bugs. I won't break the law.

I'm not saying "blackmail him" blackmail him.

We just insinuate that we know what's going on,

and let him fill in the blanks.

Oh, so, it's like he blackmails himself?

Uh-huh. You just go up to him and say,

"Commissioner Grayson. How is your wife?"

Commissioner Grayson, how is your wife?

No, that just sounds like you really wanna know how she is.

Insinuate. Maybe add a pause before "wife."

Commissioner Grayson, how is your…

wife? Too long.

Felt it. Ugh.

This is not my strong suit.

No, sir, you're doing great.

Just forget the pause. Use your eyebrows, like this.

"How's your, pump, pump, pump, wife?"

How's your pump, pump, pump, wife?

Eh, it was a little bit better in my head.

Try this. "How's your, pump, wife, pump, pump?"

End on a double pump? That's risky.

He'll see right through me. How about, "Pump, pump, how's your pump?"

You forgot to say "wife." Ah, good note.

How about this? "How's your pump, wife, pump,

"Grayson, pump?"

That's the one!

I really don't think anyone in the crew

would've done it. We're like a family.

Yes, and as someone who's about to marry into that family,

so to speak, I tend to agree with you, Sarah.

It seems highly unlikely anyone from

the crew or producers would be involved.

Hey Sarah, what's the status on the toilet seat-heater for my trailer?

It's day four of cold butt cheeks going on over here.

I'm sorry, but this is official police business.

You putting the screws to her?

I got this.

Sarah.

You're a PA. What do you make a year? Two, $300,000?

Thirty.

Thirty hundred thousand dollars a year?

Thirty thousand. Ah. Ew.

And yet, Cassie Sinclair pulls down millions

sitting on her butt, while you bust your hump running her errands.

I bet that makes you angry. Angry enough to steal her laptop?

My gut says yes.

Okay, that's enough.

You're right, she's not gonna talk.

Sometimes I wonder why I do this job.

You don't.

Okay. What about the executive producer, Gary Lurmax?

Do you know where he was on the night of the robbery?

He's normally in his office after wrap.

Although, last night, he did ask me

to tell him when Cassie left her trailer.

Hm. Interesting.

Or completely useless.

No way to know for sure. Sarah, one more question.

Those donuts, are they…

They're all free. Okay. Great.

Yeah, I wanted to make sure Cassie was out of her trailer,

because we were running behind, and we needed to make our day.

Is that normally an executive producer's job?

Well, I'm trying to be more hands-on, network pressure,

-overages. -PERALTA: Overages.

Sure, I get those on my cell phone.

You know, it's been great watching you work.

Can I introduce you to the writers?

It'd just take a couple of minutes, tops.

They're very awkward, they can't talk much longer than that.

Lead the way, hombre.

Hey, if you name a character after me,

that could be his catchphrase.

I love that.

Thank you, "Gare Bear."

-I'll go grab 'em. -PERALTA: All right.

Hey, man. Focus up.

We have a case to work.

That's why we gotta meet the writers.

I mean, one of them probably did it.

You heard Gary, they're awkward. They're probably all perverts.

Jake, wake up. You are being manipulated by our prime suspect.

He's not our prime suspect, all right? He's subprime at best. [CHUCKLES]

Subprime mortgage crisis reference.

[CLEARS THROAT] The point is, you just have to think the worst of everyone

because that's how you see life. It's sad.

You're sad and you're being a bad cop. All right,

I know you're just trying to hurt my feelings,

but I'm in such a good mood about all of this,

that there's literally nothing you can say that'll bring me down.

"Lead the way, hombre, " is a terrible catchphrase.

[SIGHS] Nice try, trying to hurt my feelings, 'cause you didn't.

Looks like they left housekeeping one hell of a tip.

A fingertip.

And that's how I would lift up a bloody finger with my pen.

That is great.

Oh, in this episode, the perp is a cannibal.

Should I aim away from his stomach, so I don't taint the evidence?

Yeah, that's definitely how I take down a cannibal.

When I do it. Right.

CREW: Back to one. Reset.

What are you doing?

Talking to Cassie and the writers,

who, BT-dubs, all have alibis.

Also, Gary said that the studio approved us as producers.

I'm having my agent look over the paperwork.

Okay, fine, I don't have an agent.

I'm using my parents' divorce attorney, he's my uncle.

He was disbarred.

Well, while you were off in fantasyland, I solved the case.

Wait a minute. Rosa.

Security camera across from Cassie's trailer caught this yesterday.

Gare Bear took the laptop? Come on.

No one could've seen this coming.

Except for you. You saw it coming. Obviously.

Hey there, bud. We've been going for a while.

You feeling hungry?

Starving, thanks.

Oh, come on!

You get a yogurt when I get the truth.

Oh, God, it's in the grout,

it's gonna smell in here forever.

Look, I told you, I did everything right.

I even gave Veronica plenty of time after her mom's death.

Wait, what does that mean?

I was gonna break up with her, but then her mom passed.

So, like a gentleman, I waited.

That way, she wouldn't have to deal

with too much pain all at once.

How long did you wait, Jeffords?

I don't know, a year, a year and a half.

Sarge! Seriously?

What? I was being considerate.

Believe me, she had her fun for those 18 months.

Terry puts out. All right.

Also, there's no way she even knows I waited.

The gift you bought her. Did you buy it

when you first wanted to break up with her,

or when you finally did it?

The first time,

but why would that matter…

The gift receipt.

They all break eventually.

Get him out of my sight.

Ah, Commissioner Grayson.

Captain Holt, I told you I'm not going to get involved.

I know.

I just wanted to say to you…

GRAYSON: What's wrong with your face?

Do I need to call a doctor?

No, I'm clearly trying to communicate.

Captain! There you are!

We have an emergency.

I'm taking care of it.

Okay, I don't know what this is, but I'm going to leave.

Why did you stop me? I was making progress.

I know, sir. But I have to say something.

I love the Nine-Nine. And the main reason why is you.

Not Jake? Yes, clearly it's mostly Jake.

But it's also you and the standard that you've set for us

with your unwavering morals.

I'd rather we split up than stay together and compromise who we are.

Well, thank you, Boyle.

You're right. No matter what happens,

we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail.

I agree.

From now on, the only "black male"

I want anything to do with is you.

That was incredibly inappropriate.

I know, but I had thought of it and I was so proud,

I just had to say it out loud.

Let's just go. Great.

What's going on? You can't just come in here.

We have a warrant.

Boom. And that's a real one.

Not a prop. Or have you forgotten the difference?

Even when it comes to people. What?

"People" is me. You used me.

Like a prop. I thought it was pretty clear.

Rosa got it. Nope.

Detectives, you don't know what you're talking about.

Found it. Look at that.

Security cam caught you breaking into Cassie's trailer

and walking off with this backpack.

You know what, you Hollywood types make me sick.

Detective… For the record, your show stinks.

I've watched over 200 episodes of it, and I've never liked one.

Open the bag, Detective.

Happy to.

I can't wait to see the look on your face

when I pull out Cassie's computer.

It's just a bunch of pills.

Cassie has a painkiller problem.

The show tries to protect her from herself.

That's why I was surprised she called the cops,

but thanks for busting in here and telling me how much you hate my show!

And scene.

And that was a great example of a cop making a mistake.

That's the kind of thing we can go over more when I come in on Monday

for my first day of work.

No, you can forget about the job.

But you're still gonna name a character after me?

Well, I think we figured out her size, 34 Double Dead.

You all right, man? No.

That could have been Detective Peralta saying that perfect pun.

I'm sorry the consulting job didn't work out.

Do you wanna head back and do some more interviews?

What's the point? You were right. Everything sucks.

We're never gonna solve the case,

I'll never work in show business,

and I'll never drink another smoothie. Now you're getting it.

Everything is awful.

Our precinct is getting shut down,

and we're never gonna work together again.

I'll end up living in a car with a dog I can't feed,

playing sad songs on a harmonica I can't afford.

We're never gonna see each other again.

The harmonica will get repossessed,

I'll be all alone with my hungry dog

in harmonica-less silence.

And we won't be friends anymore.

Wait. What?

You don't actually think that we won't be friends anymore

if the precinct got shut down? Rosa…

we will never not be friends.

Thanks, man.

Now, get your hand off me.

Yep. Forgot the Rosa rule.

No touchy.

Oh, my God. I just solved the case.

Season 8, Episode 16, in which

Detective Cole Tracker catches the Brooklyn Bra Butcher,

while wearing gloves.

But Detective Peralta,

I thought Mark said his character

never wears gloves on the show.

Now, that you mention it, that does ring a bell.

That's my move.

Oh, I'm aware.

You told us you never wore gloves

when you picked up Cassie's laptop bag.

A double tracker.

You wanted us to see you holding the bag

because your prints were already on it

from when you stole the laptop.

Cassie's only been on the show two years,

but there's already talk of her getting a spin-off.

You were gonna post her personal photos and humiliate her.

Ridiculous. I've never been more insulted in my life.

Your theory is outrageous. And what's more, it's just a theory.

I don't know how cops around here

do things, but where I come from,

we're burdened with a little thing we like to call evidence,

of which you don't have a shred.

We found Cassie's laptop in the trunk of your car.

I stand corrected. Yeah. You got me. I did it. Good job.

Terrence.

Veronica.

I'm sorry for how I handled our breakup back in the day.

I was trying to be a good guy, to be nice.

But sometimes, to be nice to someone

means you have to be honest with them,

even if it hurts their feelings.

Thank you for saying that.

Now, you don't have to forgive me, but could you please,

at least give the precinct a shot?

I would love to do that.

Oh… [LAUGHS] Thank you so much.

Except I've already turned in my report.

Was it positive?

No. It was real bad.

I made this saddle out of your sister.

And now, I'm gonna put it on your back.

And your sister and I are gonna trot you all around the apartment.

What's wrong with you?

I'm Jake Peralta, the grossest pervert of all time.

NYPD! You're under arrest, you unbelievable creep!

You'll never take me alive.

[YELLING]

Rot in hell, Jake Peralta. [SPITS]

They used my name!