Original subtitles

Hello?

I followed all your rules.

I'm unarmed. I'm not wearing a wire.

I came alone. There's no backup.

Come on, man. I need your help to take down your brother.

Doug Judy. The Pontiac Bandit.

Hey, baby. Nice legs.

Why are you in your boxers?

So you would know I'm not wearing a wire.

Your buddy Scott said I had to.

Ah, that makes sense. Scott's a perv.

Hey, Scott, wherever you're watching from, go home.

SCOTT: Sorry, man.

So, what's so important?

I'm looking for your foster brother, George. Hate the guy.

Stole from my mom, burned her house down.

Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins'

No Jacket Required.

That's my favorite album. I haven't heard it in 20 years.

I mean, can't you just stream it?

I can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.

Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Okay, well, George is a murderer now,

and he just escaped from prison.

We think he might be trying to flee the country.

You want me to help you catch him?

Like when X-Men teamed up with Magneto to stop Apocalypse.

I heard that one was bad. It wasn't great.

I still want to see it, though. I'd watch it again.

So, does that mean you're in? Of course I am.

Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once.

Cop and criminal working together.

[GASPS]

We need a theme song. Oh.

-♪ The Pontiac Bandit and Jake are cops ♪ -Oh.

♪ Taking down crooks in the streets where they live ♪

♪ Flirting with girls who are hot for their badge ♪

♪ There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crimes ♪

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

You gave him full immunity?

Are you insane?

You told me to cut a deal.

I thought you'd maybe drop charges on one or two felonies.

But do you know how many crimes we're forgiving?

Six… That's not so bad.

…hundred. Oh, that's way more.

"Grand theft auto, grand theft auto, grand theft auto, dog fraud."

I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.

You will not win me over with your use of "'Twas."

'Twasn't trying to. [SNORTS]

You're clearly friends with this man,

and you've lost your objectivity, Peralta.

Or have you lost your objectivity?

What are you doing? My bad. I thought we were leaving.

No, I'm just making a point here. Sit down. Okay.

Look, sir, there's a triple murderer loose in Brooklyn.

And it's our job to bring him in.

Even if that means forgiving a guy who stole some cars

and, yes, sold a few cats as dogs.

More than a few.

Weird how many people fell for that.

Plus, his deal is conditional.

If Judy doesn't lead us to his brother, he doesn't get immunity.

Look, I want to see George behind bars as much as you do.

I hate my brother.

PERALTA: You can relate to that, right, sir?

Remember how furious you got

that time your sister ended an email

with "Thx" instead of "Thanks"?

Why would you bring that up? It seemed pertinent.

Fine, let's see where this leads. Dismissed.

So we don't know if anyone helped George Judy escape from this hospital.

Security cameras show him entering this courtyard,

but never coming back out.

Dude just vanished.

Ugh. Terry hates hospitals.

They reek of death.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, not you, ma'am. You reek of life.

Maybe he went up the wall, like this…

[GRUNTS]

Never mind. It's not possible.

You sure?

Damn, Rosa!

How did you do that? I have a dark past.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

Now you know my deepest shame. Cool.

Well, now that I saw you do it, I get how to do it, too.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, damn, Terry.

Hey, guys, guess what?

To thank you for being such good friends,

I picked up a big old basket of muffins.

Follow me. Come on.

I got all kinds of muffins, blueberry muffins,

poppy-seed muffins, banana-nut muffins, chocolate chip…

Ooh, wait, there are no muffins.

What's happening now?

How's it feel being lied to, huh?

I mean, I'm okay.

I wasn't really that invested in the muffins. I was.

You guys thought you can keep a secret from me?

Well, I know everything.

Hitchcock left his phone in the bathroom again,

and guess what I found on it?

I needed the cash. I didn't know they'd be filming!

Text chains. Dozens of text chains.

And I'm not on any of them!

Take a look at this board.

There's an Amy-Gina-Terry- Hitchcock-Rosa-Jake chain.

[VOICE BREAKING] There's a Hitchcock-Terry-Amy-Rosa chain.

There's even a Hitchcock-Gina-Scully chain.

I mean, what the hell happens on that?

Well, we mostly just exchange Game of Thrones theories.

The little guy is going to marry a dragon. We think.

Well, one thing's for sure, Charles Boyle…

Is off the chains.

I'm sorry, we only excluded you

because you're kind of an over-texter.

"Over-texter"? That's not even a thing.

Oh, really? So you don't remember the time

you sent 97 unanswered texts in a five-minute span.

My phone vibrated itself off the desk.

I think it was committing suicide!

It's okay. This isn't the first time I've been left out.

At camp, nobody would be friends with me.

I had to hang out with the lunch ladies.

After summer ended, they never replied to any of my letters.

PERALTA: Ka-boom! What's this?

That is the art auction that George Judy will be robbing tonight.

That's what George is after. A bejeweled egg worth $20 million.

That's a nice egg. But how do you know he'll be there?

Doug's boy Parker said he kept asking about the place.

And what does this Parker do?

You know, I don't know. I can't quite recall.

Some sort of auto-industry professional.

Maybe like a car thief or some such whatnot. Oh, I see.

So, the only thing we have to go on

is the word of one of your criminal friends?

Criminals? That's how you see us?

Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family?

Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games?

Or to steal video games

because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?

Yes, all of those are crimes.

Damn. Even the bread one?

Especially the bread one.

But since this is the only lead you have, go do something with it.

Oh, we'll go do something with it.

We'll go do something with the hell out of it.

No, no, no.

He's not a cop. He can't be wearing any of this.

It's just a windbreaker.

It's not like I gave him a badge and a gun.

Oh, he has both of those things.

It's not loaded.

I just want to cock it and say a cool-cop catchphrase.

New York's finest just got a whole lot finer. Give me that.

[GROANS EFFEMINATELY] I'm putting myself on this case.

All right, Captain.

Looks like New York's finest just got a whole lot…

Let's go! All right.

Whoo!

Okay.

How do I look?

Like I'm about to buy a bunch of expensive art?

Hell yeah. And not just paintings either. You look statue-rich.

I didn't know we'd have to valet.

Perhaps I shouldn't have brought Gertie. Who's Gertie?

[CHUCKLES] That foxy little she-devil we drove here in.

DOUG JUDY: "Gertie"? No, man.

A car's gotta have a sexy name, like Brooke,

or Tiffany, or Sandra, or Candice…

Yeah. Or Suzie, or Dana, or Karen.

Oh, no, wait, that's my mom's name.

Why did I say my mom's name?

Ugh, the sight of another man inside her makes me sick.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Yeah. I dislike this conversation very much.

Treat her gently!

You know that's not a nice car, right?

Say that again.

Damn, Captain. Be cool.

Say that again!

That's what I thought.

I'll be in the venue.

Come on, Boyle. What's this about?

Look, if you're leading me to some sort of big surprise apology

where everyone's there,

and you all want me to join your stupid text chains,

I am I 00% in.

These last 24 hours have just been hell.

Oh, it's just my former lover.

Hello, sister.

Ugh, I hate when you say those things back-to-back. Here.

You took my phone? Yeah.

I had to delete your GIF keyboard,

and your three Property Brothers emoji apps.

Wait, did you delete them because.. . Yeah.

You're on the office text chain.

Are you serious? This is amazing.

Yeah, well, I was totally against it,

but Amy felt bad because you seemed so pathetic.

Don't say that. It worked.

Hmm. Just don't make us regret this.

Oh, I won't. I swear, I won't. I gotta tell my dad.

I know you weren't on board with this,

but look how happy we made him, and at no cost to our… Oh!

-[CELL PHONE CHIMES] -And here it comes.

-No. That was just one… -[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

-Uh-oh. -[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

I bet he's just getting it out of his system.

-[CHIMING INCESSANTLY] -Oh, yeah. I'm sure he'll be brief.

Apparently, the czar of Russia

gave that bejeweled egg to his girlfriend as a present.

I've never gotten a bejeweled anything. Stupid Amy.

Well, I highly doubt our murderer is going to show up here.

Doug Judy said he'd be here, and I believe him.

Cap, I got some hors d'oeuvres.

I don't know what you like, so I guessed.

The radishes they put on the side for decoration?

Mmm, thank you.

Cut into a flower? Where are we, Las Vegas?

Guys, look over there by the hallway. See the woman in red?

I think that's my brother's girlfriend, Fran.

I don't want her to recognize me.

Does she have a scar on her left cheek?

PERALTA: Maybe. What's the shape of the scar?

Just a general slash shape.

Ah, darn. I've been reading a lot of Harry Potter lately,

and I was hoping for something more fun.

Okay. I'll head towards her,

you go around back in case she makes a break for it.

She's on the move.

Excuse me, ma'am? Oh.

No. Please stop.

Freeze. NYPD.

What's going on? No scar.

It's not Fran. Then why was she running?

Because a strange guy started following me to the bathroom.

Right, because men are horrible

and the world is a nightmare. Yeah.

Oh, no, where's Doug Judy?

Where we left him. Why?

Scar-faced Fran is a ruse.

He wanted us out of there, so he could help his brother steal the egg.

Check it out. Shot glasses of soup.

Oh, you're wondering how I got the whole tray?

[SINGSONG] Charmed it right out of her hands.

[GRUNTS]

Is this where you've been all day?

Yeah, just looking for clues.

You're pretty sweaty. Terry runs hot, Terry runs hot.

Trying to see if you can do that wall climb, aren't you?

Yeah, and I can't. [PANTING]

I'm old. Because you can't parkour up a wall?

It's everything!

The TV's always too quiet,

I don't like how baggy basketball shorts are,

I even shook my fist at some skateboarders the other day.

Oof. And there's something worse. Way, way worse.

Terry needs reading glasses.

It's not that bad, Sarge. Yes, it is!

I used to be Batman.

Now I'm his dad.

His dumb, weak, getting-shot-at-the-opera dad.

Okay, auction over.

I can't believe you thought Doug Judy was tricking us

so he could steal the egg.

If anyone was stealing any eggs, it was you,

'cause you have egg all over your face.

Is that why you've been so quiet these last four minutes,

you had to think of that?

Mmm-hmm. Was it worth it? Hell yeah.

Ah! Venomous burn.

-[HISSING] Suck out the poison. -[BOTH IMITATE SUCKING]

[BOTH SPITTING]

Wow.

He may not have been pulling something back there,

but both of you were wrong about George Judy.

He never showed. We wasted a day.

And if anyone has egg on their faces, it's you two.

Doug Egg and Egg Peralta.

-That's actually kind of a dope name. -[SIREN BLARES]

What's going on out there?

Hey, Jake Peralta, NYPD. What happened here?

Somebody knocked out the valet and stole all the cars.

Every single one. So George was here.

He wasn't after the egg, he was after the cars.

Well, looks like Doug Judy was right after all, huh, Captain?

Why aren't you saying anything?

Is it because you're so embarrassed for being wrong?

Gertie!

I don't get it.

Why would George Judy steal all these cars, and not the egg?

Easier to sell if you're in a hurry.

Plus, these are some valuable vehicles.

Bugatti, Ferrari… Gertie.

I don't think Gertie was a prime target, sir.

Boom. Shelby Cobra 427 S/C.

That's a million dollars on four wheels, baby.

That's what George is after.

How do we even know George did it?

I mean, nobody saw him.

But there was a prolific car thief at the scene of the crime.

You talking about me?

I'm a cop now. No, you're not.

Then why do I have a badge and a gun?

The thin blue line just got thick as hell.

Give me that. Come on, Judy.

It's not loaded. Look, if I was going to jack a bunch of cars,

I wouldn't bring two of New York's best detectives with me

to the scene of the crime.

Flattery won't work. You think we're the best?

What? This is nonsense.

You're off the case.

Whoa, whoa, sir, come on, we're chasing a murderer.

A murderer that just stole a ton of cars.

Who knows more about that world than Doug Judy?

Plus, remember, he doesn't get immunity

unless he helps us bring his brother in.

I know, but…

Do you want to get back Gertie or not?

-Fine. He's still on the case. -[PERALTA, DOUG JUDY EXCLAIM]

♪ The Pontiac Bandit and Jake are cops ♪

♪ With their wise-cracking ♪ ♪ captain along for the ride ♪

♪ They'll have adventures wherever they go ♪

♪ The talking dog flies in outer space ♪ [IMITATES BARKING]

♪ Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, dog ♪ [IMITATES BARKING]

BOTH: ♪ Fly, fly, fly, fly, dog ♪

Okay, Charles, I want you on this text chain, I really do.

But since you joined yesterday, you have sent 71 texts.

The rest of the group, collectively, has sent two.

You know, honestly, I'd rather get hit by a bus

than get one more text from you, Charles.

Fine. I've been kicked out of things before.

At camp, I found a slam book that the lunch ladies had written about me.

I'm sorry, Charles, but there is no story sad enough to save you now.

Challenge accepted.

Once, as a tween, I got my penis entirely…

Okay, stop! No, no, no.

Our plan was just to teach you to text better.

You know, a lot of people like the way I text.

Look, if you can't accept me for who I am, then I don't need this chain.

Okay. Great. No, no, I need to be included so badly.

I'll do whatever you say. I literally have zero pride.

And that's what I like to hear.

Ugh, Charles.

Okay, so, you guys are rich Europeans looking to buy a Shelby.

I'll make the introductions.

Wait, we can't just be Europeans. What country are we from?

What languages do you speak? French.

Spanish. Some Portuguese. Obviously Greek.

Enough Flemish to get by. Tight.

What about you, Peralta?

Um, I can do a pretty good Italian accent.

[IMITATING ROBERT DE NIRO] You think you could milk me?

So you're just doing De Niro from Meet the Parents?

I don't know. Am I?

[IMITATING DE NIRO] This is De Niro.

I think it's pretty good. No, mine's better.

It's pretty good.

-[NORMAL] We'll just make you American. -[NORMAL] Okay.

Griff.

Hey, Doug Judy. Hey.

What can I do for you?

Hey, did my brother stop by?

I heard he jacked some nice cars, and I might have a buyer.

This is Maxime Dubois,

international millionaire. Bonjour.

He doesn't speak any English.

And this is his lawyer, Carl Mangerson.

Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Maxime wants to buy a Shelby Cobra, I hear George might have one.

Uh, he's dropped off a few cars, but he didn't say anything about no Cobra.

I mostly deal with scrap and crap, you know.

Son of a bitch.

Hey, Is everything all right here, Maxime?

You're speaking good English.

Uh, it's just a few phrases he picked up from movies and such. [CHUCKLES]

He's disappointed.

He really wanted that Cobra. You know the French, so passionate.

Even their skunks. Pepé Le Pew.

It doesn't matter. I'm a lawyer. No further comments.

Do you know where George is? Maybe I could do business with him myself.

Gertie. What?

Uh, that was French for…

[IMITATING DE NIRO] "Yeah. I gotta make a phone call."

[NORMAL] He's gotta make a phone call.

Frenchmans.

So, if George went over that wall,

he would have been caught on a security camera across…

What you eating there, Sarge? Cream of wheat.

It's easy to chew and it keeps you regular.

It's a favorite dish of the elderly.

Stop freaking out about this.

Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm young at heart.

No, you are super old at heart. You always have been.

You love yogurt, you volunteer at your polling place,

and you refuse to deposit your checks at an ATM.

It's a machine. I don't trust it.

I get what you're saying, but at least I used to be a prime physical specimen.

Dude, you have, like, 1 % body fat.

Now I'm at 1.8. I'm fat.

I'm a fat, bald old man.

You shave your head. Yeah, Rosa,

Vin Diesel and I shave our heads

because we think it looks good.

Okay. You obviously want to sit here feeling sorry for yourself,

but we have work to do.

So, I don't know. Why don't I get you a wheelchair and a box of diapers?

The wheelchair!

That's how he escaped! He dressed up like an old lady!

That orderly is pushing him out. He did have an accomplice!

I'm going to find this bastard.

I don't need this anymore.

I should take my jacket though.

I mean, it's January, I ain't crazy.

[SIGHS]

Oh, Gertie.

Psst. George is here. He's out back.

[WHISPERS] Let's go! Right now.

NYPD! Don't move!

Crap! He's getting away!

PERALTA: No, no, no!

[GROANS]

All right. We can run right through it.

These suits are fire-resistant.

These suits are not fire resistant.

They're not? Then why are they so expensive?

Bye, Peralta!

No! Judy!

Both Judys!

Judys!

Oh, I can't believe this.

I really thought I could trust Doug Judy this time.

I kept telling you not to. But you wouldn't listen.

You were too busy singing your songs

and planning trips to Niagara Falls.

We just said neither of us had ever been. There were no hard plans.

[SIGHS] Look, it's humiliating.

Doug Judy thought he could manipulate me, and he could.

I feel like I'm a terrible cop.

Wow. I really thought you were going to chime in with something supportive there.

We have to go. [SCOFFS]

Captain?

Okay, Charles. This is your final exam.

We're going to show you a text and then two potential responses.

You need to tell us which is more appropriate.

Amy writes, "Leaving the virgin festival.. ." Gina.

"…Be there in 10 minutes."

Do you reply…

"I'll be counting down the seconds.

"600, 599, 598, JK, LOL,

"597, 596, smiley face, smiley face, cat smiley-face, thumbs up."

Or…

"Okay." It's a trick question.

The text requires no response.

Charles Boyle, welcome back to the Nine-Nine text chain.

Yes! We should call it the Nine-Nine Party Line.

I'll rename the thread. Charles.

Sorry. I'll be better! I'll be better.

HOLT: There's the car.

How'd you know they'd be here?

Detective's intuition.

Okay, fine. We went to Dave & Buster's together

and got separated so we turned on Find My Friends.

[WHISPERS] The stairs are in the back.

Looking for us?

Put your guns down, turn around slowly.

What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends.

I don't know why you thought that.

Because you kept saying we were.

We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls.

So, bro, you friends with this cop? No.

This thirsty-ass bitch is just desperate for attention.

"Thirsty-ass bitch"?

Okay, Captain, now I know you're going to step in and defend me.

Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.

Oh, my God. This is the worst day of my life. Where's Charles?

If you're not friends, you won't mind if I waste him, right?

Of course he minds.

I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in, like, a playful way.

Like Tom and Jerry.

Oh, my God, was Tom trying to eat Jerry?

[GASPS] My whole life is a lie.

Shoot him. No, no, no!

Those can't be my last words.

-Uh… Ay caramba? -[GUN CLICKS]

What the hell? [GRUNTS]

Whoops! Looks like somebody forgot to put bullets in his brother's gun.

A-ha! I knew you didn't betray me!

I said that accusatorily, but I'm very happy.

♪ Doug Judy and Peralta and Captain on a case ♪

♪ Joke's on you they was always friends ♪

♪ Now I'mma get my immunity ♪

♪ The ghost of the talking dog haunts the precinct ♪

The talking dog died. Oh, man.

I know, that was a bummer note to end on.

You got our orderly?

Turns out he really didn't work at the hospital.

But he left his print behind in the room where he stole the scrubs.

It didn't take long to track him down.

Whoa! With that and the wheelchair, that's some pretty nice police work, Sarge.

I know. [GROANS]

You know, my muscles might not be as strong as when I was young,

but one's stronger,

my big, beefy brain.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to process…

David Willis.

Aw, you got a little necklace for your glasses.

I had to. Almost lost them last night during Wheel.

I just got off the phone with the DA,

and for aiding in the capture of George Judy,

you've officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.

So, I'm a free man?

Mmm. [SNIFFS]

Nope, still smells the same.

I'm sorry that I doubted you.

But you did drive off with the guy that we were chasing.

Had to. I saw he was about to get away,

so I tricked him into thinking I was on his side.

Look, I owe you both an apology.

Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty.

And Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.

Yeah, I'm going to need a lot more from you than that.

Fine. You're a good cop,

even if you are a "Thirsty-ass bitch." Wow!

Okay.

Just solved a pretty intense murder and you just crap all over me.

Hey, Captain, I got you a little something-something.

Gertie? No.

But she is the exact same make, model and color.

Oh, my God, you stole this. I can't be driving a stolen…

Relax, man. I bought it at a used-car lot for, like, $600.

This is not a nice vehicle. Yeah. It's not.

And, by the way, her name's not Gertie.

It's Sexarella.

Hello, Sexarella.

So, what's next for you, Doug Judy?

[SIGHS] I'm turning over a new leaf. Going to live that honest life.

Maybe open up a bakery,

buy a little house, invest in my retirement… You're going to go back

to stealing cars immediately, aren't you?

That's very much on the table, yeah. Okay.

I'm going to miss you, man.

I'm going to miss you, brother.

Goodbye, little Fievel.

Goodbye, Papa.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[BOTH CLEARING THROATS]

Cool.

All right, peace out. Peace.

Good to see you, man.

Hey, you guys, I thought of a funny response

to Terry's text from earlier.

Would you mind taking a look before I hit send?

Charles, you've trained for this moment, okay?

We trust you. Just send it.

Come here. Good job.

[CHUCKLES]

All right. I'm going to do it. Mmm-hmm.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Way to go, Charles…

BOYLE, SANTIAGO: Gina!