Original subtitles

JEFFORDS: I can't believe they're waxing the floors and we're all stuck in here.

I've never seen them do this before.

They do it once a month. We've just never been on the night shift.

I know. It's like we're being punished.

We are, for going to Florida.

Oh. I don't listen to so much stuff you all say.

Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you.

You look out there and see a problem.

I look out there and see an opportunity.

I'm going to slide on that slippery floor,

all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.

You're going to do the FBP?

That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!

[BELL DINGS]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Here we go. [SHARP BREATHS]

[TERRY CHEERS IN SLO-MO]

[ALL SCREAMING "NO" IN SLO-MO]

No!

[MOUTHING]

Oh, God, I can't stop!

[PERALTA GRUNTS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

The Full Bullpen!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Those chuckleheads from the Nine-Five

are getting all cocky just 'cause they're on TV.

Uh, we've all been on the local news, fellas.

Okay. Which case of yours was on the news?

Well, it wasn't exactly a case.

Ska defines who I am as a person,

and I will never turn my back on ska. Hup!

[SKA MUSIC PLAYING]

Looking back, I have no regrets.

You should. Yup.

So, why are the Nine-Five on the news?

They're investigating death threats against some author named DC Parlov,

as if anyone knows who the hell that is.

DC Parlov?

Did you say, "DC Parlov"? What is happening?

DC Parlov is the most influential author of our time.

The Skyfire Cycle!

Twelve books chronicling the war between sky and sand,

clouds and rocks, the Sepsidians and…

Oh, so, it's like a Game of Thrones type thing?

No, Game of Thrones is a Skyfire type thing!

Get your head out of your ass!

Yeah, come on, Boyle. I'm so sorry, guys.

When I was a little kid, I spent hours reading those books.

Whoa! Little Terry did not see that coming.

I was overweight and lonely,

and I wrote DC Parlov for advice, and he sent me this!

I hope it's not a severed head.

"The Skyfire Cycle. Sand Into Glass.

"The Reckoning of Ka'Lar."

Man, that is a long book. Is the rest of it just more of the title?

It's the book that started it all. Okay.

And listen to the inscription he wrote.

"Terry, you do have friends." Oh, boy.

"You have me. Never forget that in this life

"we write our own stories. Parlov."

And that's what happened.

Little Terry wrote his own story.

Yeah, Little Terry got buff.

Little Terry got emotionally healthy.

Yeah, and jacked.

You know what?

He did get jacked. Way to go, Little Terry. Big pecs coming through!

-[JEFFORDS LAUGHS] -Ah.

There we go.

I'm going to get us that case. Terry's going to meet his hero.

Oh, no, never meet your heroes.

[WHISPERING] Marie Callender was a real bitch.

Oh, check it out.

Our squad has doubled the number of arrests on the night shift.

Yeah, no one cares, okay?

I need to talk to you about this Boyle family vacation

that my mom's forcing me to go on.

Why is it in Butt Thumb, Iowa?

No, it's pronounced "Beaut-hume,"

and Iowa is the ancestral homeland of the Boyle clan.

I am so excited for you to get to know all of the cousins.

Watch out for Sherman.

He's left a trail of broken hearts longer than his ponytail.

Boyle, can we please just go to a resort

where I don't have to see your family?

There's a great one in Aruba.

Aruba? [LAUGHS] Boyles don't do beaches.

We're not swimmers. We're burrowers.

Yes, I know, you're all earthworms,

but, Charles, even nature's most disgusting creatures deserve pleasure.

Come to Aruba.

Sorry, the cousins voted, and it was unanimous.

We're going to Iowa. We've already rented the tent.

"Tent" singular? Charles, "tent" singular?

Diaz, Santiago, settle a little tiff that Kevin and I are having.

Let's be honest, Raymond, it's not a tiff, it's a row.

And now, it's a scene.

It's okay, sir, we don't want to get involved in your personal life.

It's not personal. It's a math problem.

Pass. Oh, Mama.

Raymond and I had dinner together last night

for the first time in two weeks, thanks to the night shift.

And Kevin thought it would be fun to spoil our date

with an inane math problem, to which his answer is wrong.

Enough foreplay, let's get to the numbers.

It's the Monty Hall problem.

Imagine you're on a game show.

There are three doors, behind one of which is a car.

You're telling it wrong.

There are three doors, behind one of which is a car.

You pick a door.

The host, who knows where the car is, opens a different door,

showing you there's nothing behind it.

Now the host asks if you'd like to choose the other unopened door.

Should you do it?

No. Yes.

It's simple math. It's simple math.

It doesn't make any sense to switch.

The prize is behind one of two doors.

It's a 50-50 chance either way.

It's two-thirds if you switch, one-third if you don't.

The probability locks in when you make the choice.

We've been over this eight times. Seven times.

Now, you can't even do simple addition.

Kevin is right. Hmm.

You're fired.

What? Ah!

Hey, Sarge, great news.

The guys at the Nine-Five gave us the DC Parlov case.

No big deal, you don't have to thank me.

Give it back. You're welcome.

Wait, what? This is a bad idea, Jake.

I don't want to meet him.

Oh, I see.

You're nervous to meet your hero. Look, I get it.

One time, I saw Patrick Ewing at a deli,

and I was so scared I almost left,

but I stayed, I worked up my courage,

I walked over to him and I introduced myself,

and you know what he said to me?

"Hey."

That's it? It's Patrick Ewing, he's busy!

[LAUGHS] Give him the benefit of the doubt, Sarge.

Come on, you're braver than this.

Just tell him how meaningful the note he wrote you was.

People love knowing that they changed someone's life.

I mean, why do you think I'm doing this for you?

This isn't about me. No.

That was 30 years ago. He won't remember, and I'll feel silly.

Well, we're about to find out. Parlov just walked in.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. [PUFFING]

All right, just breathe. Stop fanning your armpits like that.

Oh, good Lord! Keep fanning them! Oh!

Mr. Parlov. Welcome to the Nine-Nine.

Well, thank you very much.

I'm a little curious about why my case got reassigned.

Is there some problem? Quite the opposite.

The top brass just wanted New York's best detective on it.

Allow me to introduce Mister Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

[CHUCKLES] Sarge?

[MEEKLY] Hi.

Uh-oh. Terry, you want to come out here

and help me take Mr. Parlov's statement?

[CHUCKLES]

He usually stands much taller than that.

Anyway, tell us about these death threats you've been getting.

Any idea who might be sending them?

Well, I'm pretty sure that it had to be a fan.

I've had a little bit of a backlash from some of my younger male readers

ever since I revealed the fact

that Qwandor the dragon is actually a female.

I would think teen boys would love a lady dragon.

Did you give her big, scaly boobs, or,

I don't know, you're the writer.

Qwandor is not a sexual being.

"For she is the ender of bloodlines.

"All mortals tremble before her wrath."

Skyfire fan? Oh, I'm more than a fan.

Whoever wrote this has got nothing on me.

Uh, he's not a killer.

[LAUGHS] Tell him about the inscription.

You probably don't remember, but 30 years ago,

I wrote you a letter telling you how lonely and sad I was,

and you sent me a book with the inscription,

"We all write our own stories,"

and it changed my life.

I do remember you. You do?

I do indeed, and I'm delighted you've made something of yourself.

As the Cloud Rock says…

BOTH: "You have found yourself in your struggle." Wow.

"The truth is what you came for,

"and you found it within your strife."

Well, that was cool.

BOTH: "Be brave for Tolgan." There's more.

"Tolgan the last, Tolgan the first, Tolgan."

"Tolgan."

Is it over? Yes.

This is the best day of my life.

You have three kids, Terry.

I said what I said! All right.

[LAUGHS]

Cousin Sam! Chucky!

Up high.

Down low.

BOTH: Butts! Butts! Butts!

Oh, man, I love this shirt. Where'd you get that?

Oh. Mervyn's. Mervyn's.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Gina, get your rear over here. Sam, you've gotta meet Gina.

Oh, already did. She took me out for dinner.

Yeah, I just wanted to get to know Sam better

and talk about the upcoming vacation.

I got him his favorite, egg salad on white, bowl of cottage cheese…

Hard-boiled egg on the side. Hard-boiled egg on the side.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Turns out Sam here also thinks we should go to Aruba.

I know it sounds crazy,

but the Caribbean might be more fun than Iowa.

In what universe?

I'd tell you to pack sunscreen,

but, mmm, looks like you already got burned.

Uh-oh, did I? 'Cause my skin still tastes pretty raw.

Ew. Sorry, vote's in. 13-2, Iowa.

For now, but I have a whole day of Boyle cousins scheduled,

starting with Bobby Boyle at 3:00 for afternoon eggs.

You think you can pick us off one-by-one?

Yeah. Well, you can.

Boyles are very weak as individuals.

But together, we're unbreakable.

I'm calling a council of the cousins.

[MOANS] I'm scared! Just kidding. Come on, Sam.

Sam, stay.

Sam, come. [WHISTLES] Sam, stay.

Come on, Sam. Sam, stay.

Come on. Stay.

Come. [CLICKS TONGUE] Stay.

All right, let's get on this case. I can't let my hero die.

Great. Parlov is in town for a reading of his new book,

The Skyfire Cycle: A Bridge to Jarcata.

Ah, ah. It's actually pronounced "Jarca-a."

All the T's in Skyfire are silent.

This book sounds impossible to read.

[LAUGHS] I know, right? Okay.

All the death threats were sent from New York, so the perp is local.

They'll probably strike at the book reading tomorrow night.

And he's probably camped out on the street with the other fan boys.

They've been lined up for three days.

To listen to an old man read a story?

I will never understand this world.

You once took a train to Toronto to get a Canadian VHS copy of Die Hard.

There was a rumor it was better sound quality! Get a grip, Terry.

We just need a way to compare the fans' handwriting to the death threats.

Oh! We get them to sign a petition to make Qwandor the dragon a male.

Ooh, "smorf." But are we going to fit in there dressed like this?

No. No, we're not.

Sign our petition to make Qwandor the dragon a male!

There are already enough girl characters. We don't need a third!

Good evening, sir. No, it's not.

I haven't slept, because I've been going over that stupid problem.

Now, I finally understand Kevin's side.

Cool, so, it's all better and I never have to hear about math again?

Quite the opposite. I know better than ever how incorrect he is.

Probability doesn't kick in.

Do I have to teach you college-level statistics?

I don't know, do I have to teach you high-school statistics?

Do I have to teach you eighth-grade statistics?

Do I have to teach you seventh-grade statistics?

Do I have to teach you…

Now, if you'll excuse me, Detectives,

I need to leave him a snide voicemail about kindergarten statistics.

[SIGHS]

Okay, we have got to explain this thing to Captain Holt to save their relationship.

And you laughed at me when I went to that weekend-long math conference.

Because you called it, "Funky cats and their feisty stats."

That was the name! It was so cool.

It was not. Anyway, it's not about the math.

They haven't seen each other because of the night shift.

They just need to bone.

What? Gross! Rosa, those are our dads!

I mean… [CHUCKLES] That's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.

Wow. Never mind, I'm teaching Father the math!

Whatever, Rosa.

To be honest, Terry, I'm feeling a little lame out here.

I mean, you've got this cool sword,

and I'm wearing what, a potato sack?

You're my noble squire.

You should be thankful for that burlap,

it's hiding your terrible failed castration.

Oh, my God, I hate these books.

Are you the guys passing out the Qwandor petition?

Yup, that's us. Dragons have dongs.

You bet they do. And this isn't about sexism.

I mean, it's just that women aren't strong enough to be dragons.

Now, handeth me yon petish.

Okay.

PERALTA: Petish handeth yon'd.

This is a start, but if you really want Parlov to hear you,

you're going to have to send a message in blood.

I think we've got a suspect. Let's ride.

Whoa, that's very heavy. [GRUNTS]

Halitosis Frodo's got to be our guy, right?

Oh, yeah.

"A message in blood" is a reference to book one, page 843.

After Wendivil betrayed Prince Clevang, murdered him,

and used his blood to write letters to his children.

Do you talk about this stuff with Sharon?

No. She hates it. Yeah, makes sense.

[GROANS] This writing doesn't match up.

I'm going to send it to the lab, anyway.

Yeah, I don't think that's necessary.

Why not? Because I just found a perfect match.

Parlov wrote the death threats. He sent them to himself.

Terry did not see that coming.

PERALTA: And that is a perfect match.

This is crazy.

Why would Parlov send himself a death threat?

For publicity? I mean, he was on TV.

His book is on the best-seller list for the first time in years.

Parlov doesn't need any help. He's already famous, rich.

He's got more babes than he can handle.

Come on, that guy? Now, you're just lying to prove a point.

He pulls, Jake. He pulls.

Ugh. Look, I know how it is. It can be disappointing to meet your hero.

I mean, just like me and Patrick Ewing.

You said that went great.

I lied. It was a disaster.

Excuse me, Mr. Ewing, my name is Jake Peralta…

Oh, no. Hey.

You're my favorite player.

You pantsing Patrick Ewing has nothing to do with this.

It doesn't? Oh, my God, why did I share that story?

There is no way Parlov sent himself that death threat.

Look, we are going to go to his hotel,

we're going to talk to him, and he'll have an explanation.

Whatever you need. Screw you, Peralta!

I'm sorry, I thought you were going to disagree.

Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.

[SIGHS, BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

Is, uh, everything okay, Santiago?

No, I lost my ring.

Did you see where it went? Actually…

It's behind one of these three doors. Why don't you pick one?

Are you trying to Monty Hall me? It's unbelievable.

I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place of work

when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life.

Come on, sir, the math thing isn't the problem.

Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart.

You two just need to bone. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

What did you say? Don't say it again.

I said you two need to bone. [WHIMPERS]

How dare you, Detective Diaz?

I am your superior officer!

[SHOUTING] "Bone"!

What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.

[SHOUTING] "Bone"?

[CALMLY] Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Why did you do that?

Dude was pent up. Now, he knows. Problem solved.

[SIGHS]

The council of the cousins.

Look at them. It's like a Beige of Pigs.

Gina, you seem rattled. You don't normally make puns.

That's a pun? On what?

Listen, Charles, I'm going to sway the council.

So, give up now, unless you enjoy being humiliated in front of your family.

Oh, you think I'd be embarrassed in front of them?

In front of Don Boyle? I changed his diapers.

And I'm about to change yours.

Ugh.

Hello, cousins.

Bobby, Brendan, Bill, Bernard, boy Corey, girl Corey.

Papa Boyle once said, "Stay in the middle.

"That's where it's safe.

"That's where we thrive."

That's Iowa.

Charles will have you believe that Aruba isn't for the Boyles.

But picture this, one long banana boat with the 15 of us on it,

holding each other by the waist,

having the time of our damn lives.

Do we really want to go where Pirates of the Caribbean took place?

-Yes! -ALL: Yes!

No! That movie gave us nightmares for months!

[CROWD GROANS]

Y'all know I got y'all aqua socks!

Oh! Size sevens for everybody.

In conclusion, Boyles are nothing if not loyal.

Loyal to our favorite brand of peanut butter, Mr. Nuts.

Loyal to each other and loyal to Iowa.

-I love you. -ALL: I love you.

I'm Gina Linetti, and I approve this message.

[LAUGHS] I love you.

ALL: I love you.

I love you, too.

You guys both did so good.

I think we'll sleep on it, and we'll vote in the morning.

Council adjourned.

-I love you. -ALL: I love you.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey. What's up guys?

Look, I'm sorry, I'm a little busy right now.

I've got some female companions over, you know.

Oh, really? What are they, like, some nerdy sci-fi fans, or…

Good Lord. I don't know what I'm looking at.

I told you, man, he pulls. He pulls.

Okay, stop saying "pulls." Mr. Parlov, we have to talk to you.

Now, we're not accusing you of anything.

We just want to ask a few questions.

You know, we're probably wrong.

We should just go. Sarge, no.

God, you're strong!

Mr. Parlov, did you send yourself those death threats for publicity?

Are you kidding me? I have no need for publicity.

The handwriting in the death threats

matches perfectly with the inscription you wrote to Terry.

Yeah, tell you the truth, I didn't actually write this inscription myself.

BOTH: What? Come on, you guys, grow up.

You think I have time to answer each letter I get

from every sad little fat kid that writes me?

Come on. That's why I've got assistants,

precisely for that sort of crap.

But you said you remembered me.

Because you were the cop assigned to my case.

Look, I didn't want to piss you off.

The man you're looking for, he's my ex-assistant.

His name is Edmund Grail. The guy hates me.

I slept with his wife, so, naturally, I had to fire him.

Yeah, that's a cool story.

After that, I got sort of involved with his sister.

It was kind of hot… Please stop talking.

Fine.

I have a little bit of research to attend to myself,

if you understand what I'm talking about.

Enjoy having sex with three gorgeous women in cosplay.

Well, that went terribly. I'm so sorry.

Do you need a moment alone, or you want to talk about it…

Yep. Yep, that works, too.

Hey, good news. I found the address of Parlov's old assistant.

I'm going to go over there and question him. You want to come?

Maybe he won't open the door and you'll have to kick it down.

That always cheers you up.

I don't feel like kicking down doors.

What about running really fast through a wall,

leaving a perfect outline of your body?

Like a cartoon? Mmm-hmm.

No. I'm just going to sit here and think about

how the words I lived by my entire life are a big fat lie.

Look, Sarge, I understand what it's like

to have a hero who doesn't act the way you want him to.

It's not going to be about Patrick Ewing again, is it?

No, and it's not about John Starks, either, who I also pantsed.

How many Knicks have you pantsed?

Including coaches, five, but that's not the point.

The hero I was talking about is you.

You're a great cop and dad and husband and boss.

And also, you always smell just a little bit like vanilla.

That's my soap.

I got it at Lush.

You're who I want to be when I grow up, Terry.

And you should know that some dumb inscription

on some stupid book isn't what made you who you are.

And it bums me out that you can't see that.

Now, I'm going to go get this bad guy,

because that's what you taught me to do.

Also, what was the name of the soap store again?

Forget it. I'll just look it up online.

Okay, we're both here, Sam. Go ahead.

SAM [ON PHONE]: Well, it was a real hard decision,

but, ultimately, we decided the Boyles are going to Aruba.

Oh! [SUCKS TEETH]

All right, Sam, well, I'm happy to hear that.

I think the sun's going to be really good for everyone's psoriasis.

SAM: We're all so excited.

All right, I love you, Charles. I love you, Gina.

Whoops. Lost you.

It was almost too easy.

I'm like the Temple Grandin of herding Boyles.

Yes, you are.

What? Why are you smiling? I don't get it.

I won. Did you?

You were so busy trying to beat the Boyles, you became one.

You learned about our likes and dislikes, our allergies and our phobias.

You even bought cousin Sherman a scrunchie for his ponytail.

Yeah, so I could win.

And you did win. A plot in the family cemetery.

All of us together, lying in a grave for eternity!

"Grave" singular? Charles, "grave" singular?

Oh, Captain, I know you don't want to talk about Monty Hall,

but I did contact a math professor…

No need, Santiago. It's all good.

So the fight with Kevin is over? Yep.

Because you understand the math now? Nope.

DIAZ: Because you guys… Yep.

Knew it. See, what happened is, your dads had sex.

Okay, Rosa.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

PERALTA: Edmund Grail?

Who wants to know? NYPD.

I need to ask you a few questions about DC Parlov.

Okay. Let me just undo the chain.

[FAINT CLATTERING]

Son of a bitch.

Freeze!

[GRUNTS] Taste the might of Ka'Lar!

Get him out of here.

Nice work, Sarge.

You were right. Who cares about Parlov?

We write our own stories.

So, welcome to the Terry Chronicles.

Book One: The Arrest of Edmund Grail.

Followed by Book Two: The Ravishing of Sharon.

I am so sorry. I'm just pumped that you showed up.

I couldn't let you down.

And that is why you are my hero.

Come on. Bring it in, big fella.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, no! It happened again!

It happened again, Terry!