Original subtitles

Hey, Jakey, the place on the corner

is serving lemonade, and you get to keep the jar.

It's pretty cool.

Yes, that's very cool, Scully. Mmm-hmm.

Will you excuse me just one moment? Oh, sure.

Guys, guys, guys!

Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.

You called us in here to tell us that?

No, I called you in here to change your lives!

For, you see, a mere five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me

to his new goldfish, who lives in…

[GASPS] An identical mason jar!

Oh, this isn't gonna end well.

PERALTA: There are two possible outcomes,

and we're going to bet on which one happens first.

So, will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade,

or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish?

Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade…

Hitchcock just drank his own fish.

What? No!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Ames, you're two minutes late.

I called all the emergency rooms.

I know.

I went home from your place to shower,

and I'm so tired that I fell asleep

while shaving my legs.

But we went to bed so early.

Property Brothers was over at 10:00.

I mean… Sex.

We do it.

She's tired from all the doing it.

Who are you talking to? Precinct.

Come on, man. Yeah.

No, I was up all night

because your dumb, lumpy mattress is so uncomfortable.

What? But I gave you the good lump. Ugh.

Please stop talking 'til I finish eating my coffee.

All right.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Ooh, a lover's quarrel.

No, I'm just tired.

I didn't ask for part two. Never fear, Amy,

for I have the solution to all of your problems.

Highly-potent liquid speed.

Oh, you gonna love that stuff.

Devon, we're cops. Read the room.

But I know you'll be excited, because I busted Devon here

with four vials of this, which is a new drug called…

Taxi! You actually found some?

Yup. Your CI was right.

It's popping up on the corners.

Man, my snitches are the best.

The key is to always send them handwritten thank-you notes.

Oh. So what do you say?

Shall we take this partnership from the sheets to the streets?

Ooh, our first case as a couple.

Why not? Hey, guys.

I just discovered a new drug, too.

It's called "your relationship," and I'm high on it.

Charles, I'm gonna need you to back off, man.

Roger that. Yeah.

All right. I'll take one.

Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.

Hey, hey, hey. You can't call a kid stupid.

What if he's really stupid?

Terry, this is Sam, my little brother

from Brooklyn's Big Brothers.

I think it's funny when she calls me stupid.

No one cares, stupid.

Screw you, Rosa.

Sam's selling candy to pay for his basketball uniforms.

He's a forward. I taught him how to elbow.

Cool?

Now, go home and do all your homework,

or I will end you.

Don't let Rosa fool you.

She's not that scary.

She used to do ballet. No way.

Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet.

Now scram.

I love being a mentor.

It's called "taxi" because it's yellow,

and it takes you where you need to be.

Drug dealers have gotten so creative.

It used to just be "crack," and then they'd be like,

"Hey, we got a new one. What are we gonna call this?"

And they'd go, "I don't know, crank?"

This is certainly worth following up on.

Santiago, take Boyle and work the case.

Oh, but Jake…

I mean, Detective Peralta brought in the perp, so…

Good point. Peralta and Boyle can work the case.

Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping

we could work the case together.

Oh, are you two no longer…

Smooshing booties?

Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.

-Figured. -SANTIAGO: We are still dating.

It's all above board. HR gets daily updates

and are BCC-ed on all our emails to each other.

That's why HR Jim keeps high-fiving me.

As a rule, I don't put couples in the field together,

but you are two of my best detectives,

so I will allow it.

Just don't let any personal issues distract you from your work.

You have nothing to worry about.

There's no personal issues here.

We've never even had a fight. It's true.

Our only close call

was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was.

Really?

Never heard of the puzzle master?

This is who you want to be with?

I shouldn't get involved. Good luck with the case.

Thank you.

Whoa. What's up with you, Furiosa?

I'm in a huff, that's what, because of what just happened in the garage.

♪ Charles in charge of our days and our nights ♪

What? Nuh-uh.

How am I supposed to… Come on!

Some clown clown-parked his clown car

in Captain Holt's spot and halfway into mine.

What a clown!

Sporty? Mmm-hmm.

Convertible? Yeah, that's the one.

Oh, I hate people who drive sports cars.

You're not Gloria Estefan, and this isn't Miami.

Charles. Hey, Captain.

Get ready to join me in the huff zone.

No. Some creep had the gall…

I saw you drove Gertie to work this morning, huh, Captain?

Oh, yes. Kevin and I finally brought her up from the country.

Gertie is our convertible.

I think you'd like her. She's a real peppy broad.

Oh, I didn't realize that was your car.

My car?

"Raymond Holt" may be on the title,

but no man can own her spirit.

Anyway, I'm sorry, Boyle. I interrupted you.

You were saying something about some creep.

Just some strangler that I was… Arrested.

I was talking about some strangler that I arrested.

Well, good job. Put the paperwork on my desk.

Thank you.

Great. Now I have to go find a strangler.

Hey. Hey.

So, I marked all the corners where taxi has been spotted on this map.

You'll probably notice right away

that it makes the shape of a boob.

This looks great. Confirms Devon's story.

He says his dealer hangs out here,

in the underboob.

He said he'll point him out to us.

So you approach on foot from the south,

and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Me and Devon"?

Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?

Oh, God. I corrected your grammar!

[GASPS] Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified?

Are you super horny?

I'm just really tired. Leave me alone.

Don't you mean leave "I" alone?

No, that one felt wrong.

I guess we're equally bad at grammar.

I'm not bad at grammar.

I'm exhausted because you refuse to get a new mattress!

All right, why don't you just get a new back?

I didn't mean that.

We're not fighting. We can totally work together. We're fine.

Yeah, that wasn't a fight.

That was just sexy workplace banter.

Exactly.

I mean, mattresses are also sexy 'cause that's where you do it.

Yeah. And grammar is a system of language

involving syntax and semantics.

Also sexy.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Point is, we're good. Yeah.

SANTIAGO [OVER RADIO]: All right. You're almost to the corner.

-You sure you're not gonna be spotted? -PERALTA: Absolutely.

My cover makes me invisible.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you have two minutes to talk about the environment?

Nailed it.

Now no one will make eye contact with me.

I think it's cute.

You're like an idealistic grad student.

You like that?

You want me to tell you about the time

that I backpacked through the Netherlands?

Ooh, did you fold all your stuff up really small to fit into one carry-on?

Is that what you want me to have done?

Hey, there's my dealer.

Jake, gray jacket, 6 o'clock.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you have two minutes to talk about the environment?

NYPD! Freeze!

We got a rabbit!

He's headed for the building.

I'll just stay here.

All right, let's split up and meet around back.

NYPD! Freeze!

Jake, he's coming your way!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Nice takedown. Thanks.

Oh, my God. What?

Nothing, nothing. Let's just take this guy in.

No. What is it?

It's just… This mattress looks just like your mattress at home.

What? No, it doesn't.

I mean, sure, there are a couple of similarities, but…

Oh, man. It's the exact same one.

Ugh, I have a dumpster mattress!

All right. That settles it. We're going mattress shopping.

Seriously? Oh, this is the best.

I'm so proud of you.

You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.

Oh, I hear what you're saying.

Mattress trampoline.

Wait, no. You were talking about sex. Yeah.

Then mattress trampoline.

Sure. Okay.

Diaz, your friend Sam is here. Nice.

That little dum-dum finished his homework early. Where is he?

Before I answer,

maybe we could brew a pot of nice,

relaxing kava tea, and then…

Spit it out.

Sam was brought in for shoplifting a phone.

I also have chamomile! That might calm us down.

Oh, if you want calm, there's some 'ludes in evidence,

if anybody would ever let me get them out.

Hey! What were you thinking?

I made a mistake!

The phones were just lying there,

and I didn't think things through.

I'm sorry, Rosa.

Rosa is your friend from before you were a criminal.

You are dealing with Detective Diaz now,

and she is gonna make sure you rot in juvie for the rest of your life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I talk to you for a minute?

It feels like you're being a little harsh.

Thanks. Good note.

I was going for extremely harsh. I'll turn it up.

Diaz, he's just a kid.

Can't you just let him off with a warning?

Sometimes being as tough as possible

doesn't lead to the best outcome.

This isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head.

I'm not just gonna give him a time-out.

Time-out? Are you kidding?

"Poopy-head" means no Doc McStuffins for a week!

Terry hates bathroom talk.

Gina. Gina.

Gina, I screwed up big time.

Charles, given your daily life experiences,

you're gonna have to be more specific.

Gertie!

[METAL SCRAPING]

Gertie!

There's only one option for me,

burn my face off with acid and disappear forever.

Yes, you should do that. Or you could just tell him what happened.

I mean, he parked in two spots. It's kind of his fault.

Just have some B-bone, Boyle.

You know that's my smallest bone.

Come on. It's just a car. He's not gonna be that mad.

Son of a bitch!

Okay. I misjudged that one.

Oh, what did he do to you, Gertie? What did he do?

It was an accident, sir.

Yes, an accident. The buffoon's apology.

This is your fault, mister.

Interesting. Charles?

Do you feel that's the case?

Um, your car is pretty far over the line.

Mmm. So it's kind of your fault, too.

Pass the blame.

The buffoonery is endless.

You're gonna pay for what you've done.

And it won't be cheap.

They'll have to custom-mix the color

because they no longer make raspberry sherbet.

[SIGHS] They're all so beautiful.

And they're all about to be tested…

Bouncy-styles.

Three, six, nine Damn, she fine

Hoping she can sock it to me one more time

Get low, get low, get low, get low

To the window To the window To the wall

I love this mattress.

BRIAN: And it loves having you in it.

God?

It's Brian. Oh.

And I'm obsessed with giving you a good night's sleep.

PERALTA: Hello, Brian.

Coming on a little strong there, buddy…

And I'm digging it.

How much to take this bad boy home?

Actually, that's one of our more reasonable models.

Holy Moses! That is much too much money.

Well, you spent twice that for Mr. Met to come to your birthday party.

Yeah, and it was worth it.

Mr. Met used my bathroom. Number two.

That's a memory I will cherish forever.

Look, mattresses are expensive, but they're an investment.

It's gonna be in your life for a long time.

True, but it's also still just a mattress, you know?

It's a lot of money to spend on a rectangle

that's filled with springs and goose hair.

You know it's feathers. I didn't.

And it would be money well spent,

because it would allow me to actually sleep in your bed.

But I already have a mattress. It just doesn't seem worth it.

Okay, well, to me, it sounds like you're saying I'm not worth it.

So I'm gonna go sleep in my grown-up mattress

that I bought this century, and you're not invited.

You know, she's right about mattresses being an investment.

Back off, Brian.

Morning.

You look well-rested.

Yes, because I slept in my own bed.

BOYLE: I was tossing and turning.

Jake told me about your fight. I'm so worried about you two.

Thank you, Charles.

What do I have to do, buy the mattress myself?

Done.

Problem solved. No.

It would make him so happy.

Good job on the bust yesterday.

How was it, working together as a couple?

-So good. -PERALTA: So great.

Yeah. Super mellow and chill.

Yeah.

She slapped my butt once. Mmm-hmm.

We're definitely falling in love.

All right. Good, good, good.

We found something strange on the dealer you brought in,

two matchbooks from the same hotel.

He's refusing to give up his supplier, but this could be something.

That's weird. Look at this.

The same two matches are missing from both books

third one on the bottom row, and fifth one on the top.

-HOLT: Coincidence? -PERALTA: No way.

No one would take matches out like that.

Trust me, I smoked four cigarettes in college.

One to completion.

That's a code. A code?

Exciting.

I'll go get my pencil case.

SANTIAGO: I bet it's a room number.

Third floor, fifth room. Room 305.

That's definitely it. Well, great.

Great, great. Santiago has solved it.

I want you two to go undercover

as a couple to stake out the room.

You should be very convincing, given that you're currently, uh…

What was it, um… "Smooshing booties."

Great, and thank you for saying it that way.

It made us both feel very comfortable.

Sure did.

Hey, I've been looking for you.

Before you decide what to do with Sam,

there's someone I think you should talk to.

Miss Miriam.

Surprise!

I tracked down your old ballet coach.

I brought her in to remind you of the effect

a kind, nurturing presence can have on a young life.

Hello, dear.

Have you continued to dance?

No, Miss Miriam.

Well, there's no surprise in that.

You always were a lazy ox.

What's this now? Look at your posture.

You look as if you should be ringing the bells at Notre Dame.

Miss Miriam was not nurturing, at all.

All right, ox. Let's see what you've got.

Five, six, seven, eight. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Eyes up. Shoulders down.

Well, that wasn't terrible.

See, Sarge? Tough love works.

Damn it!

Terry proved the wrong point.

Aw, chuckles.

You're looking even more broken than usual.

Yeah, I should have never have tried to stand up to Captain Holt.

Why didn't I just beg for mercy?

It's my signature move, "The Charles."

No, you are actually in the right in this sitch.

The Captain is being irrational.

But he's about to learn himself a lesson.

Right about…

Nah…

HOLT: Oh, my!

Now.

Timed it perfectly.

What?

What did you do to my cupcake?

This is yours?

Why on Earth is your cupcake on my chair?

Because it's very special to me,

so I can put it wherever I want.

This is your fault.

Now you have to buy me a new cupcake.

This is outrageous. You expect me to avoid…

Oh.

I see. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, you do.

The cupcake was Gertie. Yes.

Your butt was Charles's car. Yes.

The chair was the parking space. Yes, I get it.

Your office was the garage.

Yes, I'm telling you I understand the lesson.

And I was the brilliant Gina Linetti in both scenarios.

All right. We're done here.

Okay.

You're a great captain.

Jake, why don't you just sit down?

No, thank you.

I can see the feed better from here.

It's really comfortable.

All right. I'll sit.

[SIGHS]

Nope, my butt hates expensive things. No.

You know what your butt hates?

Making any sort of sacrifice for us,

because it's not serious about this relationship.

Okay, first of all, my butt is so serious

it should be wearing spectacles.

And second, your butt is the butt

that is not serious about this relationship. [SCOFFS]

My butt is totally serious. I've made all kinds of changes.

I bought orange soda for you.

Okay!

For the last time,

Orangina is not orange soda.

Yeah, because it's better.

[LAUGHS] Okay, now you're just being crazy.

Ugh, you're not even taking this argument seriously.

All right. You want to get serious?

How come you haven't told your mom that we're dating?

Yeah, that's right.

I saw the text she sent you about setting you up

with some dude named Gary.

You read my texts?

It buzzed when you were in the bathroom.

Who doesn't bring their phone with them into the bathroom?

That's, like, the whole reason to go in there.

I haven't told her because I haven't had the chance.

What? You talk to her, like, every week. You basically stalk her.

Why don't you just admit that you don't want to tell her about me?

Jake, it's not about you.

Look, the minute I tell her that I'm dating someone,

she's gonna call me all the time

and ask me a million annoying questions.

Wow, it sounds like such a huge drag.

I guess I'm just not "worth it."

Boom. Used the thing you said to me in a different argument in this argument.

I win the argument.

Oh, no, no, no. This is bad.

Well, you started it… Or I did.

I can't remember at this point.

No, Jake. Look at the screen.

Oh, no.

PERALTA: For the last time, Orangina is not orange soda.

SANTIAGO: Yeah, because it's better.

PERALTA: [LAUGHS] Okay, now you're just being crazy.

SANTIAGO: You're not even taking this…

You do have to admit, it was a pretty good point

about Orangina, though.

Your turn, Peralta.

Thank you, Santiago.

Okay.

I know you're mad, but before you say anything,

yes, we screwed up.

And yes, you warned us.

And yes, I don't know where I'm going with this.

But I do know this,

I have reached the end of my sentence.

Oh, my God. Did that work? Not at all.

I can't believe you let a personal argument derail your investigation.

I would characterize it more as a professional police disagreement.

I listened to the tape. Oh, no.

Yeah, well, then you know that it was a straight-up crazy bitch fight.

Look, I know we screwed up the case, and I'm sorry.

But if it's any consolation, I think we also screwed up our relationship.

Peralta, have a seat.

I believe this might help.

When Kevin and I first started dating,

he taught at a small college upstate.

It was two hours away by train or bus,

but only 30 minutes by car.

Is this another one of your riddles?

You rode to work on his shoulders.

One set of footprints. No?

No. Okay.

Neither of us owned a car, and I didn't want to buy one

because that would mean admitting that I cared for Kevin.

He had the same fear, and so visits were rare,

and I was miserable.

Then one spring day, Kevin showed up at my door

having purchased Gertie.

He took the leap, and I'm so grateful that he did.

I only regret that I didn't do it first.

Do you understand?

Absolutely, 100%.

The train is your old mattress.

Yeah. The car is your new mattress.

I got it. Kevin is you.

I'm Santiago. Loud and clear. 100%.

[CLANGS]

So, I took care of Sam. Uh-oh.

That sounds ominous,

like you went all Miss Miriam on him.

I let him off with a warning.

See, thing about Miss Miriam is she made me a good dancer,

but she ruined my childhood.

She was constantly riding me about my posture

and my technique and my pink hair.

Pink hair. Never speak of that.

Copy. She's the reason I quit ballet.

And I sure as hell don't want Sam

to quit the Big Brother program 'cause of me.

This is totally how

I thought this Miss Miriam thing was gonna go.

[CHUCKLES] Another flawless Terry plan.

Boyle, I thought you should know.

I just got Gertie back from the garage.

She looks as good as new.

Better, even, because after 12 years,

they finally got the Annie Lennox cassette out of the tape player.

Oh, I love her.

Here's a check for the full amount.

You don't owe me anything.

It was my fault, and I behaved poorly,

as Gina made abundantly clear.

Oh, speaking of, you still owe me $14 for that cupcake.

Hey. Hey.

What's up? Two things.

I ran the footage from the hotel

through facial recognition software and got a match.

Grady Lamont.

This is his current address.

That's good, I guess. Yeah, it's six years old.

Well, druggies are lazy?

He deals in uppers.

We're screwed. Yup.

What's the second thing?

Well, the Captain and I were jamming

on some personal issues, just going back and forth.

I honestly think I helped him more than he helped me.

I'm not buying any of that. No.

[SIGHS]

Amy Santiago…

I want to change mattresses for you.

That's the best thing I've ever heard.

I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.

I think I was just scared that you were gonna realize

you're way better than me.

Like, you're Orangina, and I'm orange soda.

Are you kidding?

You're Orangina. Ugh.

Don't say that.

Look…

I was scared too.

I'm gonna call my mom tonight.

Okay.

Let's buy this baby.

Calling up the website,

finding the mattress, adding to cart,

signing in as "Guest"…

That is not an option.

Creating an account…

You don't have to buy it right this second.

Nope, this is a big romantic gesture, and I'm nailing it.

Shipping address… Not the same as billing address.

Got to enter both of those.

Jake, Jake, look! There's our guy.

Oh, perfect timing.

Submit order.

Province? Oh, no. We're on the Canadian website.

Click on the American flag.

Jake! Yeah. We'll do this later. Let's go!