All language subtitles for Stand-up.Nate.Bargatze.Hello.World.2023---80x

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish Download
nl Dutch
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian Download
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil) Download
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:08,759 (happy music playing) 2 00:00:19,395 --> 00:00:23,315 ♪ Today's a good day Never know, never know ♪ 3 00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:27,027 ♪ When the next one Will show, it'll show ♪ 4 00:00:27,111 --> 00:00:30,948 ♪ So I'ma sing my soul, l'ma sing my soul ♪ 5 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:36,954 ♪ Today's a good day Never know, never know ♪ 6 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,499 ♪ When the next one Will show, it'll show ♪ 7 00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:43,711 ♪ So I'ma sing my soul, l'ma sing my soul ♪ 8 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:47,465 Please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze. 9 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,092 [cheering] 10 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:17,870 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 11 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:20,623 All right. 12 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,667 Thank you. That's... 13 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:31,592 That's very nice. It's happening. Hey Bear. 14 00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:36,764 Thank you for coming out. I'm excited to be here. 15 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:39,767 A big fan of Phoenix. I like it a lot. 16 00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,602 [cheering] 17 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,816 So when I started this tour, 18 00:01:46,899 --> 00:01:49,860 one of the first places I went was Omaha, Nebraska. 19 00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:52,404 -[whooping] -And, all right... 20 00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:53,864 Uh... 21 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,242 [chuckles] 22 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:58,327 In Omaha, 23 00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:01,789 they have a sporting goods store there called Scheels. 24 00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:06,502 And yeah, it's two floors, and if you never been, 25 00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:08,879 if you see one, go visit it. 26 00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:12,508 It's not a tourist attraction. It's these people's regular lives. 27 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,385 [laughter] 28 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,513 But go check it out. 29 00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:21,058 And if you do, make sure you go to the gun section 30 00:02:21,559 --> 00:02:24,520 and look at the access they give you to guns. 31 00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:30,734 It's remarkable. I mean, they're attached to nothing. 32 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,780 Some are laying around, some are on the floor. 33 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:40,786 You will go to Verizon next door, and you can't get the phone to your ear. 34 00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:42,913 [laughter] 35 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,459 Scheels is like, "Feel the weight of that thing, man. 36 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:48,919 Walk around with it." 37 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:54,800 I rode down an escalator with a shotgun, just, like... 38 00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,389 I am from Old Hickory, Tennessee. 39 00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,640 [audience whoops] 40 00:03:01,724 --> 00:03:05,060 And look at-- look how far we made it. 41 00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:07,271 [laughter] 42 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:10,983 Our zip code is 37138. 43 00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:16,113 And how I was told to remember it was 37 plus one equals 38. 44 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,824 [laughter] 45 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,161 There's... 46 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,790 I've never forgot it, and I don't think you will either. 47 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,876 [laughter] 48 00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:35,633 I don't know who does zip codes. Probably the government. 49 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:39,219 But when they drove through Old Hickory, they go, 50 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:41,305 "Let's go easy on these people." 51 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,390 [laughter] 52 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:51,065 Old Hickory is also named after President Andrew Jackson. 53 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:53,943 And I told someone that in an interview. 54 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:57,321 And I'd said it-- I'm just, I'm, like, used to saying it, so I said it. 55 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,949 And the guy stopped me, and he was like, "You know what?" 56 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,618 He's like, "Andrew Jackson was a bad guy." 57 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,036 And I was like, "Oh." I was like, 58 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,246 "We didn't, like, know him or anything like that." 59 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:07,748 [laughter] 60 00:04:13,629 --> 00:04:16,298 "We didn't move there because we were fans." 61 00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:18,133 [laughter] 62 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,013 I've never been to his house. 63 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,685 I don't-- I missed it, like, in fourth grade, 64 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,103 and I just have never gone. 65 00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:31,689 I missed a lot of stuff. 66 00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,733 We were supposed to go see the White House in 6th grade, 67 00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:37,987 and we couldn't go because the Gulf War started. 68 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,447 And by the way, I didn't even know we were supposed to go. 69 00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,366 I only found out we weren't going. 70 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,702 [laughter] 71 00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:49,832 But our teacher came and said, "We can't go. The Gulf War started, 72 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:52,376 and they had to put a fence around the White House." 73 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:56,171 And that was it. Never talked about it a day after that. 74 00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:02,052 So I just assumed the Gulf War was on the streets of Washington. 75 00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:04,013 [laughter] 76 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,350 And it had gotten so bad 77 00:05:08,434 --> 00:05:11,353 that they finally had to put a fence around the White House. 78 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:17,151 So I go to D.C. for the first time in my thirties, 79 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,111 and I was alone, and I go to the White House, 80 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:21,363 and I see that fence, and I honestly was like, 81 00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,323 "I remember when they put this fence up." 82 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,992 [laughter] 83 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:32,291 We had a battle over the Gulf of Mexico. 84 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,001 [laughter] 85 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:41,675 Look, I say a lot of dumb stuff. 86 00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:44,178 Uh, I try to keep it in front of large groups. 87 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,971 Seems to go better that way. 88 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:47,514 [laughter] 89 00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:51,935 When you say something dumb one-on-one, it's a lot for that person. 90 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,937 [laughter] 91 00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,735 I'll say it, then I can just feel that they 92 00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:02,529 feel the weight of my life on their shoulders. 93 00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:03,906 [laughter] 94 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:11,663 I had it happen. I went on a hike with a comedian. 95 00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:13,916 And it was a very flat hike. 96 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,918 I'm not trying to be better than anybody. 97 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:21,340 The whole hike was paved. It was paved. 98 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,426 We could see our car at all times. 99 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,099 It was in front of a hospital. 100 00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:31,850 [laughter] 101 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,940 So we're out there, we're trekking along, it-it's going good. 102 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,776 We're having a fun day. We're laughing, making fun. 103 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:43,737 And then it was a little chilly that day. 104 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,490 So we walk by this turtle, and then there's a pond, 105 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,617 and so the turtle jumps in the water. 106 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,120 So right when the turtle jumped in the water, I was like, 107 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:54,706 I bet when he got in that water, he was like, "Woo, it's cold today." 108 00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,379 Yeah. I don't--I don't know what I wanted out of that. 109 00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,464 [laughter] 110 00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:05,384 I thought we were having fun. 111 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:08,554 You know, I didn't expect a real answer. 112 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:13,559 And he told me for real, like, it was, like, too dumb for him. 113 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:16,186 And he was like, "Well, turtles are cold blooded, 114 00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,730 so it probably just feels like bathwater." 115 00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:22,860 And I had to say, "Okay." Like-- 116 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,903 [laughter] 117 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,617 I'm ten years older than him, 118 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:31,743 Like, that's-- 119 00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:33,078 [laughter] 120 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:38,041 And the day was ruined. I mean, you don't just go back to having fun. 121 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,293 Now it's weird. 122 00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,671 You know, I'm thinking, "Why would you even say it?" 123 00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:46,925 Do I know that? No, but do you know I don't know it? No either. So... 124 00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:48,594 [laughter] 125 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,430 I haven't talked to him since that day, to be honest. 126 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:52,890 [laughter] 127 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,183 [chuckles] 128 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,852 Last thing I said to him was that day, 129 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,396 and I just go, "Sorry about that turtle stuff." 130 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,523 [laughter] 131 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,280 It's because your brain-- 132 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,365 like, you have left brain, and you have right brain. 133 00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,743 And one part of your brain is super smart, 134 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,329 and the other part is dumb as rocks. 135 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:17,873 And I think that's true. 136 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:22,544 Look, anything I say up here does not come from a building of education. 137 00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:24,004 [laughter] 138 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:27,507 This is all stuff I've overheard at Target or Lowe's. 139 00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:29,384 [laughter] 140 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,892 So one part of your brain is smart, and the other part is dumb. 141 00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:38,685 You can trick your own brain. 142 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,854 That's how dumb the dumb part is. 143 00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:41,813 [laughter] 144 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:46,276 It's in the same head. That's embarrassing. 145 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,197 It's like if you don't hear this going on, dude, if you're in a bad mood, 146 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,784 they tell you to fake smile, and your dumb part will think it's a good day. 147 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,702 [laughter] 148 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,580 I mean, you don't hear the planning going on? 149 00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,666 Like, you're a part of the planning. 150 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,251 [laughter] 151 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,797 That would be like if you were a conjoined twin 152 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,549 and you got thrown a surprise birthday party by the other twin. 153 00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,885 [laughter] 154 00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:17,099 [applause] 155 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,982 I get stuck with my dumb part all the time. 156 00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:29,403 I do have a smart part, but it just barely works. 157 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,614 It helps me tie my shoe in the morning. 158 00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,409 Then he's like, "I got to get out of here, y'all gonna be all right?" 159 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,202 [laughter] 160 00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:45,294 I got stuck with my dumb part. So one time I did a show in, like, some hotel. 161 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:47,337 It was in the ballroom of the hotel. 162 00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:50,132 So afterwards, I get done, and the show is great. 163 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,258 I go up to my room. 164 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:55,262 I'm watching TV, and when I'm going to go to bed, I turn the TV off. 165 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:58,015 I go brush my teeth, turn the bathroom light off, 166 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,727 and then I'm looking for the switch for the main light in the room, 167 00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,479 and I can't find it. And I'm looking everywhere. 168 00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:05,731 And I'll be honest with you, 169 00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:08,233 I think I'm unbelievable at turning lights off. 170 00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,651 [laughter] 171 00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:10,986 I take it for granted. 172 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:14,489 I mean, I swear to you, I think I could go to all your homes tonight 173 00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:17,409 and get all your lights off without any of your help. 174 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:24,416 So 15 minutes go by, I start crying a little bit. 175 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,543 [laughter] 176 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:31,048 I mean, I have a family that depends on me, and I can't make this room dark. 177 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,175 [laughter] 178 00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:39,056 I finally left the room and went in the hallway. 179 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:43,018 That's how much I couldn't find it. I thought, "Maybe it's in the hallway." 180 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,895 [laughter] 181 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,691 Never found it. And just slept with-- 182 00:10:49,775 --> 00:10:52,235 I mean, just-- this much light on my face. 183 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,904 [laughter] 184 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,119 To this day, I don't know how to turn that light off. 185 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,413 I knew I couldn't ask. 186 00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:06,625 You can't just, the next morning, just be like, 187 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:09,586 "Hey, how do you turn the main light off in the room?" 188 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,171 [laughter] 189 00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:14,674 Everybody just-- "Did you not turn it off?" 190 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,760 You're like, "No, of course I got it off." 191 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,887 [laughter] 192 00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:23,517 "How would you-- what if, like, someone was having trouble with it, though? 193 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,310 Like, how would you tell them?" 194 00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:33,860 I am the first born in my family. Is there a lot of first born here tonight? 195 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,404 [cheering] 196 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,446 All right. 197 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:41,827 It's a lot of us. I like it. We have to stick together. 198 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,163 We have the hardest of all the children. 199 00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:49,626 We show up, our parents are not ready for us to be there. 200 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:50,836 [laughter] 201 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,087 They don't have any money. 202 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,881 You basically get there. You're like, "I don't think I should even be here yet." 203 00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,591 [laughter] 204 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:02,097 But they want you to get a job and start helping out. 205 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:07,310 The youngest, you show up, your parents are trillionaires. 206 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,439 [whooping] 207 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,775 You live in homes the oldest never even saw. 208 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,113 It's, like, "What's an upstairs? 209 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,365 I mean, that's like a home on top of a home." 210 00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:22,075 [laughter] 211 00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,330 The house I was born into, 212 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,541 my parents were 23 when I was born, 213 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,626 and they rented a home. 214 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,837 And then we just-- I just talked to them about this, 215 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,507 and they said the front door of their home was a sliding glass door. 216 00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,928 And I was like, "That doesn't make sense." 217 00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,430 [laughter] 218 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:47,392 Like, how do you even lock it? You can only lock those with a pole. 219 00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,853 [laughter] 220 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:54,024 So how do you lock it? 221 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,484 And then un-- you know... 222 00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:58,862 And I asked him. I asked them what I'm sure you are thinking. 223 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:02,032 I was like, "Are you sure you did not live in this home backwards?" 224 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,117 [laughter] 225 00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:11,082 That makes more sense to me... 226 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,961 than your front door being a sliding glass door. 227 00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,881 And they're like, "No, that's what it was." 228 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,633 And I was like, "What did the back door look like?" 229 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,677 And they go, "A regular door." I go, "That's what I'm saying." 230 00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:24,304 [laughter] 231 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,559 "And that's okay. 232 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,854 I think you were too young and poor to know what a front door should look like." 233 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,904 We had a lot of front door problems. 234 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:46,576 The first house my parents bought, it was like this old two bedroom home. 235 00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:50,497 And I think I was 12 years old and my dad wanted a screen door. 236 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:54,417 So he found one, like, on the side of the road or something, 237 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,294 and he put it in. 238 00:13:56,378 --> 00:14:00,382 But the handle was on the opposite side of the door handle. 239 00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:04,177 So if you came in our house, you had to go like this. 240 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,554 And then like this. 241 00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:08,139 [laughter] 242 00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:16,022 When we were little, we had to run the hospital, like, someone busted their head. 243 00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:19,401 We had to go get stitches and... at the emergency room, 244 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,570 so it ends up being like kind of a crazy night. 245 00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:24,864 My parents' best friends, Wayne and Linda Denton, 246 00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:26,825 they come up and they bring their kid. 247 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:29,244 So there's four adults and there's three kids. 248 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,870 Now this is the '80s. 249 00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:32,747 And they're just like, "Let's just run to McDonald's 250 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,082 and get the kids Happy Meals." 251 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:36,543 Happy Meals are $0.79 back then. 252 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:40,672 But back then, you could only pay with cash or gold. 253 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,300 [laughter] 254 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:52,392 So between all four adults, they only had $2 on them. 255 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,519 So someone's not getting a Happy Meal. 256 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:59,024 So they come to me, the oldest, and they said, 257 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,860 "Nate, is it okay if we don't buy you a Happy Meal?" 258 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,404 -[audience awws] -Yeah. And I was very sad about it, 259 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,781 but I said, "That's okay," 260 00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:09,492 because I figured I would be rewarded for this sacrifice. 261 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,620 [laughter] 262 00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:17,375 How they have rewarded me is they still make fun of me to this day. 263 00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:19,044 [laughter] 264 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,464 I'm 43 and they still come up to me and go, 265 00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,507 "Nate, is it okay if we don't buy you a Happy Meal?" 266 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,717 They all laugh. 267 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,093 [laughter] 268 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,475 I never made fun of them, you know, and I look, 269 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,269 I was being raised by a bunch of hobo parents... 270 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,104 [laughter] 271 00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:41,274 ...that couldn't scrounge together another dollar. 272 00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:44,861 Why didn't you just tell McDonald's the situation? 273 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,655 I think they would have given it to you. 274 00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:55,163 We could only go out to eat if kids eat free, that was it. 275 00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:56,665 Twelve and under. 276 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:59,876 By the way, your parents tell you never to lie till you pass 12. 277 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,462 [laughter] 278 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,216 And then everything's just this big scheme. 279 00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:09,302 I-- We go to this restaurant, O Charlie's. 280 00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,637 So I got to go in there. 281 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,556 I'm, like, 17, putting a cigarette out outside. 282 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,392 [laughter] 283 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,941 I'm older than the general manager. I'm like, "What's that? 284 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:25,610 I'm 12. Don't worry about it." 285 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:27,445 [laughter] 286 00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:30,240 Me and my daughter go to the table. 287 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,325 [laughter] 288 00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,000 We had a waitress quit on us once. 289 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:45,213 She just quit. She took her order and left. 290 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:49,884 And she was very nice. Like, we didn't know she was going to quit. 291 00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:52,220 And she was like, "Oh, that's a good choice." 292 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:56,933 She wrote everything down and then walked to her car and drove to her house. 293 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,018 [laughter] 294 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:05,692 And she didn't tell anybody she was going to quit, 295 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:07,569 so no one knew to check on us. 296 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:13,491 She was at home watching TV, and I mean, we sat there 297 00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:16,244 with probably the most trust we've ever had in a person. 298 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,663 [laughter] 299 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,711 I think about her every day. 300 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,755 [laughter] 301 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:32,218 You know, "What happened? Where did you go? 302 00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,764 Does she think about us?" 303 00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,932 [laughter] 304 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:41,519 "Did we eat? Are we still there?" 305 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:42,937 [laughter] 306 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:48,109 I'd love to find her, but it's hard. 307 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,820 I don't-- you know, I don't remember what she looks like, 308 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,532 but I got kind of a crazy idea, 309 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,409 so I keep an eye out. 310 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:59,996 So if I ever see someone that I think could be her... 311 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:05,001 So if I see a lady that's a little bit older than me and she's kind of a mess... 312 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:09,672 I'm being judgmental, but I don't think she got in 313 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,091 a car and drove to astronaut college. 314 00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:14,511 -So... -[laughter] 315 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:25,480 If I ever see a hot mess, I just keep my eye on her a little bit. 316 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:31,152 And I was on a flight recently, and this lady got on the plane 317 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,279 and she barely made this flight. 318 00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:35,907 I mean, it looked like she just found out she had a flight. 319 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,826 [laughter] 320 00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:39,494 Like, she was out on the sidewalk. 321 00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:43,081 And just someone goes up to her, like, "Hey, you gotta go to Phoenix now." 322 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,999 [laughter] 323 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,920 So she comes on the plane. I mean, they didn't even want to let her on. 324 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:52,340 They're trying to shut the door. I thought we already took off. 325 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,052 She sits next to me. 326 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,430 She's pounding this water, and she's got these headphones 327 00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:01,599 she bought in this plastic case. 328 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:05,353 And she's trying to open them the same way a raccoon would try to open them. 329 00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:07,230 [laughter] 330 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:11,150 And she's eating it and clawing. 331 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,696 She punches it. 332 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,491 She can't get it. 333 00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:22,579 So she looks at me and says loudly, "Hey, do you have a knife on you?" 334 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,164 [laughter] 335 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,879 Like, we're in some back alley. 336 00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:33,798 And I'm just like, "I got a knife and a gun. 337 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,341 Which one would help more?" 338 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,759 [laughter] 339 00:19:40,555 --> 00:19:43,099 So that was someone that I was like, 340 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,935 "Hey, did you ever wait tables? Like, early '90s?" 341 00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,353 [laughter] 342 00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:58,323 My parents, uh, they also became Christian when I was born. 343 00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:00,783 And... everybody's still Christian, 344 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,870 but I got them when they were the most Christian. 345 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,872 [laughter] 346 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:10,293 I had '80s and '90s Christian parents. 347 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:14,631 Well, that's the most Christian you can ever get of the Christian. 348 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,633 [laughter] 349 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,677 [cheering] 350 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,390 I think Jesus had more fun than I did. 351 00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:26,309 [laughter] 352 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,480 [chuckles] 353 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,901 I was not allowed to watch anything. 354 00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,362 I mean, when they made The Simpsons, it was like, 355 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:40,448 "I guess they're just showing R-rated TV shows now." 356 00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:41,950 [laughter] 357 00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:47,497 And I don't-- I'm not complaining about my parents. 358 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:48,790 My parents did a great job. 359 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:52,001 I was just naive a little bit longer than most kids were. 360 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,753 I thought everybody told the truth. 361 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,464 I didn't know people lied. I trusted everybody. 362 00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:59,467 I found a $20 bill on the ground once at Walmart 363 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,010 and I-- I turned it in 364 00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:03,638 and I asked this guy if he dropped it, and he said he did. 365 00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,723 [laughter] 366 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,937 I was having a sleepover one night. 367 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,940 We're 12 years old, and so a bunch of 12 year old boys, 368 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:15,900 we got sleeping bags in the living room floor. 369 00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:17,443 It's a very fun night. 370 00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:20,822 At the end of the night, I did not know they were going to do this. 371 00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:24,575 But at the end of the night, they're like, "We're going to watch Friday the 13th." 372 00:21:24,659 --> 00:21:27,870 So I stand up in front of them alone, 373 00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,873 and I say, "I don't think I'm allowed to watch this." 374 00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:33,084 [laughter] 375 00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:39,007 I expected others to join me. 376 00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:41,342 [laughter] 377 00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:47,181 When no one joined, the kid's mom came over to like, 378 00:21:47,265 --> 00:21:49,017 she was just trying to save me the embarrassment. 379 00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,644 She's trying to be sweet and she goes, "You know what?" 380 00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:54,105 She goes, "Maybe just don't tell your parents about it." 381 00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,191 And I said, "That's going to be pretty hard 382 00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:59,235 because I've already called them and they're on their way." 383 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,404 [laughter] 384 00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,578 I didn't know we could lie to these people. 385 00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,955 This is the first I'm hearing that's an option. 386 00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:12,707 [laughter] 387 00:22:18,379 --> 00:22:20,131 I don't say the word "sucks." 388 00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:23,301 Like, "This sucks." I don't because-- 389 00:22:23,384 --> 00:22:24,844 that was a very bad word in the '80s. 390 00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:26,804 And look, I'm sorry to say it now. 391 00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:30,183 This is supposed to be a clean show. I'm bringing this filth into it. 392 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:31,809 [laughter] 393 00:22:35,605 --> 00:22:37,356 That was a very bad word in the '80s. 394 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,858 If you said that word in the '80s, it was like, 395 00:22:38,941 --> 00:22:41,694 "Well, good luck with drugs and life in prison." 396 00:22:41,778 --> 00:22:43,404 [laughter] 397 00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:52,580 My dad took us to see the first Karate Kid 398 00:22:52,663 --> 00:22:57,001 at the movie theater and they said "sucks" in it. 399 00:22:57,710 --> 00:23:00,213 And right when I heard it, I looked at my dad and I go, 400 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,340 "What kind of trash you bringing us to?" 401 00:23:02,423 --> 00:23:04,133 [laughter] 402 00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:10,264 So I still don't say it. 403 00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:15,061 Now, I have a sister and she is ten years younger than me. 404 00:23:15,478 --> 00:23:18,898 And apparently was raised by her best friends. 405 00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:20,942 [laughter] 406 00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:29,117 She has no fear of them. 407 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,078 I mean, I'm scared my dad's going to show up tonight. 408 00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,163 [laughter] 409 00:23:35,456 --> 00:23:37,333 She'll tell them they suck to their face. 410 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,794 I mean, just-- and I'm like, mortified. 411 00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:41,963 "You can't talk to them like that." 412 00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:46,843 She does whatever she wants. She turned 18 and got a tattoo. 413 00:23:46,926 --> 00:23:47,927 And I said, I mean, I was like, 414 00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,762 "Well, you're going to get in pretty big trouble 415 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:51,013 when they find that out." 416 00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:54,225 And she goes, "I'm 18. I can do whatever I want." 417 00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:57,645 I go, "Yeah, well, I'm 28 and I'm still hiding wine, 418 00:23:57,728 --> 00:23:58,938 so I don't think you can." 419 00:23:59,021 --> 00:24:00,523 [laughter] 420 00:24:06,988 --> 00:24:08,114 And she ruined them. 421 00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:10,700 You know, that's the thing that bothers me the most. 422 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:14,287 She's a bad influence on them. 423 00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:19,292 She got a tattoo. Then my dad went and got a tattoo. 424 00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:23,087 Yeah, I guess he figured no one's in charge anymore. 425 00:24:23,171 --> 00:24:25,131 [laughter] 426 00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:30,428 I recently found out my mom got a tattoo. 427 00:24:30,511 --> 00:24:33,389 They tried to hide that one from me, but I found out 428 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:36,976 and... I was livid when I found this out. 429 00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:38,561 [laughter] 430 00:24:38,644 --> 00:24:41,647 I mean, I sat them all down together and I said, 431 00:24:41,731 --> 00:24:43,649 "I don't think you all should be hanging out anymore. 432 00:24:43,733 --> 00:24:44,901 How about that?" 433 00:24:44,984 --> 00:24:46,444 [laughter] 434 00:24:46,861 --> 00:24:48,905 "Pardon my language, but I think it stinks. 435 00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:50,740 What's going on? I think it stinks." 436 00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:52,366 [laughter] 437 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:57,914 Look, my parents are good people. 438 00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:00,166 They just got caught up in the wrong crowd. 439 00:25:00,249 --> 00:25:01,918 [laughter] 440 00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,465 My parents moved recently. 441 00:25:07,548 --> 00:25:10,426 They wanted to get a home that had zero-- Whoa, hold on. 442 00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:11,719 I always forget to mention it. 443 00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:14,513 Uh, we have a middle brother as well. 444 00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:16,807 -And... -[laughter] 445 00:25:18,768 --> 00:25:19,894 It's, uh... 446 00:25:20,811 --> 00:25:22,730 [laughter] 447 00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:24,523 It's my fault. 448 00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:28,778 It's hard, though. I mean, every time I see him, I'm always like... 449 00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:29,862 [exclaims] 450 00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,239 [laughter] 451 00:25:31,322 --> 00:25:32,323 What? 452 00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:37,787 Every Christmas we go, "Who's Derek?" 453 00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:39,372 [laughter] 454 00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:40,998 We're like, "Hey." 455 00:25:41,749 --> 00:25:43,459 We would slide it to him. 456 00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,336 [laughter] 457 00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:47,255 [chuckles] 458 00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:51,509 Uh, no, our family is super close. 459 00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:56,347 Uh, me and Derek, actually are the only ones not in the tatted game. 460 00:25:56,430 --> 00:25:58,266 [laughter] 461 00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:03,980 My parents did move, though. They're getting older, and... 462 00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:05,398 They want to get a home-- Like, 463 00:26:05,773 --> 00:26:07,525 they want to get a home with zero steps. 464 00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:09,610 They're kind of-- they're tired of doing this. 465 00:26:09,694 --> 00:26:11,612 [laughter] 466 00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:16,450 And they're like, "How do we just slide from here on out?" 467 00:26:16,534 --> 00:26:17,910 [laughter] 468 00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:23,374 So they found a place. 469 00:26:23,457 --> 00:26:26,669 It's got a little backyard, and so they moved in. 470 00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:29,005 My mom wanted a koi pond. 471 00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:32,758 She's kind of finally, you know, at the age where she wants one. 472 00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:34,885 [laughter] 473 00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:38,472 So for Mother's Day, we were like, "We're going to build it for you." 474 00:26:38,556 --> 00:26:42,059 And so we got all the stuff, then got shovels, 475 00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:44,312 and we started digging the hole for it. 476 00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:46,981 And I don't know if you've ever dug a hole before, 477 00:26:47,064 --> 00:26:49,608 but it's maybe the hardest thing you ever do in your life. 478 00:26:49,692 --> 00:26:51,235 [laughter] 479 00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:53,654 You see it on TV and movies, 480 00:26:53,738 --> 00:26:55,906 and it's like, "I'll just dig this hole real fast." 481 00:26:56,907 --> 00:26:58,242 And then you do it in real life, 482 00:26:58,326 --> 00:27:01,329 it's like "I guess it's all CGI, because it's impossible." 483 00:27:01,412 --> 00:27:02,830 [laughter] 484 00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:08,044 It's so hard that it made me realize that this is why 485 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:09,295 so many people get caught 486 00:27:09,378 --> 00:27:11,464 when they kill someone with a shallow grave. 487 00:27:11,547 --> 00:27:13,507 [laughter] 488 00:27:14,550 --> 00:27:16,135 That's how hard digging a hole is. 489 00:27:16,218 --> 00:27:19,305 Even if you're digging the most important hole of your life. 490 00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:20,973 [laughter] 491 00:27:21,932 --> 00:27:25,186 You hit a point of just like, "All right, that's good enough right there, boys." 492 00:27:25,269 --> 00:27:26,145 [laughter] 493 00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:29,732 "Yeah. Mm. Might be too deep." 494 00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:31,484 [laughter] 495 00:27:32,318 --> 00:27:35,821 Like, "Well, his hand's sticking out," you're like, "Put a leaf over it, dude." 496 00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:37,865 [laughter] 497 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:41,786 "I wouldn't have killed him if I knew this hole was that hard." 498 00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,412 [laughter] 499 00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:51,212 It's so hard that I promise you, 500 00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:53,297 my mom's koi pond is above ground. 501 00:27:53,381 --> 00:27:56,050 [laughter] 502 00:27:57,301 --> 00:27:59,804 We're like, "Let's just go up with it." You know? 503 00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:07,269 Digging a hole, that's a young person's game. 504 00:28:09,063 --> 00:28:12,024 I miss being young. Your 20s are great. 505 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:13,984 You're down for whatever. 506 00:28:14,485 --> 00:28:16,821 Your friends call you. They're like, "Do you want to go?" 507 00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:19,365 You're like, "I'll go." You don't even know where you're going. 508 00:28:20,449 --> 00:28:21,784 You're like, "I'll move, dude. 509 00:28:21,867 --> 00:28:24,328 I'll set my apartment on fire. What do you want to do?" 510 00:28:24,412 --> 00:28:26,288 [laughter] 511 00:28:29,083 --> 00:28:32,294 Your 30s come and you're like, "Where are we going?" 512 00:28:33,504 --> 00:28:35,923 "How late are they open? Is it loud?" 513 00:28:36,006 --> 00:28:38,300 [laughter] 514 00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:41,011 "I am going to drive separate." 515 00:28:41,303 --> 00:28:43,722 [laughter] 516 00:28:44,306 --> 00:28:46,517 [cheering] 517 00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:55,025 Your 40s, you're like, "I'm not going." 518 00:28:55,109 --> 00:28:57,319 [laughter] 519 00:28:58,237 --> 00:29:00,322 I'm mad that you thought I would go. 520 00:29:00,406 --> 00:29:01,949 [laughter] 521 00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:06,871 My sister-- so my sister Abigail, she bought a boat. 522 00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:09,623 Uh, no one's ever told her no in her life. 523 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:11,584 [laughter] 524 00:29:13,002 --> 00:29:14,962 Can she afford a boat? No. 525 00:29:15,045 --> 00:29:16,046 [laughter] 526 00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:18,382 So she bought a boat and a jet ski. 527 00:29:18,466 --> 00:29:21,802 Figured, you're gonna get one repoed, you might as well do two. 528 00:29:21,886 --> 00:29:23,721 [laughter] 529 00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:29,852 She always wants us to go on the lake with her, 530 00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:31,562 and I have been, 531 00:29:31,645 --> 00:29:33,564 but I-- I could be getting old. 532 00:29:33,647 --> 00:29:35,316 I don't like lakes. 533 00:29:36,025 --> 00:29:38,694 All right? I'm on-- Like, I wanna go on a pontoon, 534 00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:40,237 a boat that doesn't move. 535 00:29:40,321 --> 00:29:42,072 I mean, her boat, it's just-- 536 00:29:42,156 --> 00:29:44,325 It's five hours. You just sit in the back of it. 537 00:29:44,408 --> 00:29:46,869 [imitates motorboat] 538 00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:48,662 [laughter] 539 00:29:50,164 --> 00:29:52,333 No one can talk. It's just chaos. 540 00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:55,503 I mean, stuff is flying everywhere. 541 00:29:56,629 --> 00:29:59,965 I'm sore for a month. It's just like, "Is that from the boat?" 542 00:30:00,049 --> 00:30:01,967 [laughter] 543 00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:07,765 There's no rules on the lake. It's just the Wild West. 544 00:30:08,599 --> 00:30:11,352 Everybody drives as fast as they want. 545 00:30:11,435 --> 00:30:14,438 There's always sudden turns made out there. 546 00:30:14,522 --> 00:30:17,691 Everybody driving a boat is either drunk or eleven. 547 00:30:17,775 --> 00:30:19,318 No one's a normal person. 548 00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:20,736 [laughter] 549 00:30:25,241 --> 00:30:26,867 Even getting ready to go out. 550 00:30:26,951 --> 00:30:28,494 You always have to bring stuff. 551 00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:31,080 And so she always tells me to bring ice, 552 00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:34,959 and I don't want to buy ice ever again in my life. 553 00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:40,464 It seems dumb, but first of all, you never get full warning to buy ice. 554 00:30:40,548 --> 00:30:43,259 It's very last minute, very urgent. 555 00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:45,052 It sounds like it's your fault. 556 00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:46,679 [laughter] 557 00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:50,182 You just open the door and it's like, "Will you go get 50 bags of ice?" 558 00:30:50,266 --> 00:30:51,892 [laughter] 559 00:30:53,811 --> 00:30:56,939 If I don't think you have your ice figured out, I won't go to your thing. 560 00:30:57,022 --> 00:30:58,315 [laughter] 561 00:30:58,399 --> 00:31:01,318 I mean, if I get a hint you don't have your ice under control, 562 00:31:01,402 --> 00:31:03,404 I'll turn around in a heartbeat. 563 00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,573 [laughter] 564 00:31:07,491 --> 00:31:11,078 Every time I go buy it, like, it's never near where you pay for it. 565 00:31:11,745 --> 00:31:14,665 I go into the gas station, and I'm like, "Where's the ice?" 566 00:31:14,748 --> 00:31:16,125 He's like, "All right..." 567 00:31:16,208 --> 00:31:19,378 [laughter] 568 00:31:21,130 --> 00:31:23,048 "You're going to hop on this shuttle bus..." 569 00:31:23,132 --> 00:31:25,259 [laughter] 570 00:31:26,510 --> 00:31:27,595 "...and you're going to go do 571 00:31:27,678 --> 00:31:30,139 medicine ball throws for four to five hours." 572 00:31:30,222 --> 00:31:32,016 [laughter] 573 00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:35,269 And whatever amount of ice you buy will never be the right amount. 574 00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:40,190 It's either not enough or the most ice I've ever seen in my life. 575 00:31:42,568 --> 00:31:44,653 And my wife won't let me just throw it away. 576 00:31:44,737 --> 00:31:46,905 She's like, "We'll go see if someone needs it." 577 00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:51,910 So now she makes me walk up to strangers at a gas station 578 00:31:51,994 --> 00:31:54,246 and just be like, "Anybody need a bag of ice? 579 00:31:54,330 --> 00:31:55,497 Anybody?" 580 00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,082 [laughter] 581 00:31:58,375 --> 00:32:00,878 When you were inside, I looked in your car and you had a cup, 582 00:32:00,961 --> 00:32:04,465 and I was like, "Pfft, you want little bag of ice for that cup?" 583 00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:06,342 [laughter] 584 00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:14,808 So being my age. So being 43-- 43, you still think you're young. 585 00:32:15,392 --> 00:32:18,312 I have this jacket on, and... 586 00:32:18,395 --> 00:32:20,230 [laughter] 587 00:32:20,314 --> 00:32:21,607 [audience member whoops] 588 00:32:22,316 --> 00:32:23,233 [chuckles] 589 00:32:23,317 --> 00:32:26,278 I'll hang out with a 23 year old. And I'm like, "You get it, dude. 590 00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:28,864 We're just a couple of young dudes kicking it." 591 00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:30,407 [laughter] 592 00:32:32,326 --> 00:32:34,536 Some guy will walk up, he's like, "I'm 45." 593 00:32:34,620 --> 00:32:36,914 I'm like, "Why don't you beat it, old man?" 594 00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:38,707 [laughter] 595 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:44,463 "I can't believe that guy had the nerve to think he was our age. Right, dude? 596 00:32:44,546 --> 00:32:47,383 That's crazy. Let's go sit down for a little bit." 597 00:32:47,466 --> 00:32:49,968 [laughter] 598 00:32:53,722 --> 00:32:56,475 [cheering] 599 00:33:02,106 --> 00:33:05,484 I had to lose weight because your 40s turn your back on you. 600 00:33:06,777 --> 00:33:11,573 I gave my body the best, most fun food forever, and now it's the worst. 601 00:33:11,657 --> 00:33:14,868 And I can't-- I mean, it's brutal. 602 00:33:14,952 --> 00:33:18,914 Like, I love-- I love pancakes. I love them so much. 603 00:33:18,997 --> 00:33:20,708 [laughter] 604 00:33:20,791 --> 00:33:23,001 And they make me so tired. 605 00:33:23,085 --> 00:33:24,920 [laughter] 606 00:33:27,798 --> 00:33:29,758 And I never blame 'em. I'm always like, 607 00:33:29,842 --> 00:33:31,552 "What is up with me today?" 608 00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:33,512 [laughter] 609 00:33:36,098 --> 00:33:38,475 I can't get it going, you know? 610 00:33:40,185 --> 00:33:43,272 And I'll go to my wife, and I'm like, "I think we need new pillows." 611 00:33:43,355 --> 00:33:45,566 [laughter] 612 00:33:47,943 --> 00:33:51,405 And she's like, "You think it's that loaf of bread and syrup you just ate?" 613 00:33:51,488 --> 00:33:53,157 [laughter] 614 00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:58,203 "I doubt it. But..." 615 00:33:58,287 --> 00:33:59,705 [laughter] 616 00:34:02,374 --> 00:34:04,293 Everything I eat, I can tell you 617 00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:07,045 exactly where it's at in my body once I swallow it. 618 00:34:08,756 --> 00:34:10,841 It'd just be like, "That's behind my heart. 619 00:34:10,924 --> 00:34:12,092 It's behind my heart." 620 00:34:12,176 --> 00:34:13,677 [laughter] 621 00:34:19,016 --> 00:34:23,520 I love candy. I mean, I love it so much. And it's... 622 00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:28,484 I... I can't eat it by the handfuls apparently. 623 00:34:28,650 --> 00:34:32,404 I'm about to eat the most candy ever after this. But... 624 00:34:32,488 --> 00:34:33,572 [audience whoops] 625 00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:36,909 What I did is, like, I was starting to eat fruit instead of candy, 626 00:34:36,992 --> 00:34:38,952 and I told someone that, and they were like, 627 00:34:39,036 --> 00:34:41,705 "You got to be careful with fruit. There's a lot of sugar in fruit." 628 00:34:41,789 --> 00:34:43,499 [laughter] 629 00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:46,335 I was like, "Well, I'll let you know when we hit that point." 630 00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,378 [laughter] 631 00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:51,340 You know, it's like, "Let me meet your fat fruit friends. 632 00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:52,800 I'd love to meet 'em." 633 00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:54,593 [laughter] 634 00:34:54,676 --> 00:34:57,054 "I want to meet your buddy that can't fit through a door 635 00:34:57,137 --> 00:34:59,556 because he's addicted to pineapple. Let me see him." 636 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,391 [laughter] 637 00:35:08,941 --> 00:35:10,776 Doctor visits change. 638 00:35:11,693 --> 00:35:12,861 I had to get a physical. 639 00:35:12,945 --> 00:35:15,197 I mean, before 40, you don't even go inside. 640 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,990 It's like a drive-in window. 641 00:35:17,449 --> 00:35:20,452 You just move your neck, and he's like, "Come on, dude. 642 00:35:20,536 --> 00:35:22,287 You're wasting everybody's time, all right?" 643 00:35:22,371 --> 00:35:23,956 [laughter] 644 00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:25,791 "Why don't you go live a life? 645 00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:30,003 Take some chances, take your seat boat off and drive a little faster. 646 00:35:30,087 --> 00:35:31,588 [laughter] 647 00:35:34,466 --> 00:35:36,385 Then you pass 40, and the doctor is like, 648 00:35:36,468 --> 00:35:38,428 "You mind shutting that door behind you?" 649 00:35:38,512 --> 00:35:40,430 [laughter] 650 00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:45,519 "I'd lock it. We're about to get after it in here." 651 00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:47,563 [laughter] 652 00:35:52,818 --> 00:35:56,154 It was the first time I've ever been talked to old. 653 00:35:57,823 --> 00:35:59,491 It was just me and the doctor. 654 00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:02,911 And he looks at me, and he just goes, "Do you pee a lot at night?" 655 00:36:02,995 --> 00:36:05,289 [laughter] 656 00:36:06,331 --> 00:36:09,835 And I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did my dad just walk in the room?" 657 00:36:09,918 --> 00:36:11,169 [laughter] 658 00:36:11,253 --> 00:36:13,130 How old do you think I am? 659 00:36:13,213 --> 00:36:16,425 I've never peed at night in my life. How about that? 660 00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:19,928 When the sun goes down, I don't pee until I see it again." 661 00:36:20,012 --> 00:36:22,598 [laughter] 662 00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:26,018 "But since you brought it up, What is a lot? What is a big amount?" 663 00:36:26,101 --> 00:36:28,353 [laughter] 664 00:36:33,984 --> 00:36:37,946 I like, my doctor. Uh, the one thing that drives me crazy-- 665 00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:41,867 Every time I go, uh, I have to fill the same form out. 666 00:36:42,451 --> 00:36:45,537 And I'm like, "What are you all doing with this form?" 667 00:36:45,621 --> 00:36:47,331 [laughter] 668 00:36:47,414 --> 00:36:49,541 Last time I said, "Let me take it home. 669 00:36:49,625 --> 00:36:53,503 I'll take it. I don't know if you all have a fire here every night..." 670 00:36:53,587 --> 00:36:55,547 [laughter] 671 00:37:00,302 --> 00:37:03,931 I don't know any of the answers, and they're about my body. 672 00:37:04,014 --> 00:37:05,766 [laughter] 673 00:37:05,849 --> 00:37:09,269 I have to call my wife and go through them. I'm like, 674 00:37:09,353 --> 00:37:10,938 "Have I had surgery before?" 675 00:37:11,021 --> 00:37:13,023 [laughter] 676 00:37:14,983 --> 00:37:17,694 They always ask what your family medical history is. 677 00:37:17,778 --> 00:37:19,488 Where am I finding that out? 678 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,991 You think I'm just at home at Christmas, 679 00:37:23,075 --> 00:37:24,785 I'm like, all right, "Who's got diabetes?" 680 00:37:24,868 --> 00:37:26,954 [laughter] 681 00:37:28,038 --> 00:37:30,457 "Come on, now. Got a physical coming up." 682 00:37:30,540 --> 00:37:32,167 [laughter] 683 00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,586 "How many heart attacks we got in the room?" 684 00:37:34,670 --> 00:37:36,421 [laughter] 685 00:37:39,591 --> 00:37:42,177 My wife and I, we have, uh, we have one daughter. 686 00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,264 We had a kid a little bit late, so we got her in right under the buzzer. 687 00:37:47,766 --> 00:37:50,978 She's an only child. She gets a lot of attention. 688 00:37:51,061 --> 00:37:53,146 It's more attention than I'm getting right now. 689 00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:54,982 [laughter] 690 00:37:55,065 --> 00:37:56,900 It's just me and her mom all day. 691 00:37:56,984 --> 00:37:58,360 And we're like, "Hello. 692 00:37:59,111 --> 00:38:01,905 We love you so much, and you're all we got." 693 00:38:02,948 --> 00:38:06,868 She's going to be 45 and we're like, "Just let us live with you. Let us." 694 00:38:06,952 --> 00:38:08,537 [laughter] 695 00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:13,959 I love having a girl. A girl world is the only world that I know. 696 00:38:14,042 --> 00:38:16,169 -[cheering] -And... 697 00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:19,798 When you only know one world, the other world is like, 698 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,258 like, you're like, "I don't understand it." 699 00:38:21,341 --> 00:38:22,801 It like, it gets-- it's wild. 700 00:38:22,884 --> 00:38:25,721 Like, she plays with her friends. It's quiet. It's fun. 701 00:38:25,804 --> 00:38:27,681 My buddy wanted me to watch his son. 702 00:38:27,764 --> 00:38:32,310 He watched my daughter one time, which I learned is not a fair trade. 703 00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:34,396 [laughter] 704 00:38:34,479 --> 00:38:37,899 I should get eight watches to his one watch. 705 00:38:37,983 --> 00:38:40,318 [laughter] 706 00:38:40,402 --> 00:38:45,198 I handed over a princess, he just throws a bobcat in my house. 707 00:38:45,282 --> 00:38:47,159 [laughter] 708 00:38:51,413 --> 00:38:52,706 I lose him immediately, 709 00:38:52,789 --> 00:38:55,333 he's like, under the deck, chewing on wires. 710 00:38:55,417 --> 00:38:56,918 [laughter] 711 00:38:57,002 --> 00:38:58,420 I had to wrestle him down. 712 00:38:58,503 --> 00:39:00,047 I was like, "Why don't you walk him on a leash 713 00:39:00,130 --> 00:39:02,007 before you bring them over next time?" 714 00:39:02,090 --> 00:39:03,633 [laughter] 715 00:39:06,595 --> 00:39:07,637 My wife does very good. 716 00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:11,600 My wife, uh, she teaches our daughter how to do a lot of stuff. 717 00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,894 My wife is the man of our house. 718 00:39:15,562 --> 00:39:18,648 And it can become hard because she'll hire someone to fix something. 719 00:39:18,732 --> 00:39:20,358 And they always come talk to me. 720 00:39:20,442 --> 00:39:23,111 I just think they're used to talking to husbands, 721 00:39:23,195 --> 00:39:25,947 and they come to me, and I'm like, "I don't know why you're here." 722 00:39:26,031 --> 00:39:28,033 [laughter] 723 00:39:28,658 --> 00:39:30,035 [audience member whoops] 724 00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:35,832 We had our water heater-- Something. I don't know, but... 725 00:39:35,916 --> 00:39:37,501 [laughter] 726 00:39:39,419 --> 00:39:42,756 I walked by at the wrong time, now I'm in a water heater conversation. 727 00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:45,133 [laughter] 728 00:39:45,217 --> 00:39:48,136 And I'm like, "Yeah, well, tough time for water heaters. 729 00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:49,596 You know, like, just..." 730 00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:50,972 [laughter] 731 00:39:53,517 --> 00:39:54,893 Well, finally, you know, he's like, 732 00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:56,144 "Where's the water heater at?" 733 00:39:56,228 --> 00:39:57,354 And I was like, "I don't know." 734 00:39:57,437 --> 00:39:58,438 You're like, "I don't--" You're like... 735 00:39:58,522 --> 00:39:59,523 [laughter] 736 00:39:59,606 --> 00:40:02,150 "I don't think we have one, to be honest. 737 00:40:03,193 --> 00:40:05,695 And we would like to buy one from you today." 738 00:40:05,779 --> 00:40:07,239 [laughter] 739 00:40:11,201 --> 00:40:14,162 "So if we could go out to your truck, I would love to pick one out." 740 00:40:14,246 --> 00:40:16,081 [laughter] 741 00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:22,087 And he was very confused by this. He didn't know what to say. 742 00:40:22,170 --> 00:40:23,922 But, you know, it's a new time, 743 00:40:24,005 --> 00:40:26,007 so he was like, "Is your husband here by any chance?" 744 00:40:26,091 --> 00:40:28,510 [laughter] 745 00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:30,762 [cheering] 746 00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,645 I said, "Yeah, she's around here somewhere." 747 00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:40,230 [laughter] 748 00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:43,984 "She's probably in the shed." 749 00:40:44,067 --> 00:40:46,027 [laughter] 750 00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:51,950 The guy that we have that mows our yard is my wife. 751 00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:55,245 [laughter] 752 00:40:57,706 --> 00:40:59,082 [chuckles] "It's... 753 00:40:59,958 --> 00:41:02,294 It's free, which is nice. 754 00:41:03,420 --> 00:41:05,922 I don't care for the tone it is mowed in." 755 00:41:06,006 --> 00:41:08,049 [laughter] 756 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:17,475 She wanted to mow it, and I was like, "Look, that's fine, 757 00:41:18,018 --> 00:41:22,022 but I want you to go tell every neighbor that you choose to do this." 758 00:41:22,105 --> 00:41:24,232 [laughter] 759 00:41:27,277 --> 00:41:28,987 I don't want to always be getting stopped like, 760 00:41:29,070 --> 00:41:31,281 "You're the guy that makes his wife mow the yard!" 761 00:41:31,364 --> 00:41:33,116 [laughter] 762 00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:35,577 I'm like, "Yeah, I got my mom on the roof right now." 763 00:41:35,660 --> 00:41:37,579 [laughter] 764 00:41:44,794 --> 00:41:48,715 We had-- we had an eagle, built a nest in our backyard. 765 00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:51,176 And if you ever have that happen, just so you know, 766 00:41:51,259 --> 00:41:53,136 the eagle owns your land. 767 00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:54,763 [laughter] 768 00:41:54,846 --> 00:41:57,057 You can't do anything. You can't bother it. 769 00:41:57,140 --> 00:41:58,600 Like, you can't disturb it. 770 00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:02,312 You got to be like, "Do you mind if we come out to the yard that we pay for?" 771 00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:06,942 And if the eagles not feeling it, you got to go back inside. 772 00:42:07,025 --> 00:42:08,485 [laughter] 773 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,613 Can't kill it. You go to jail for life. 774 00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:16,785 We celebrate eagles in this country, and it's gone to their head. 775 00:42:16,868 --> 00:42:18,912 [laughter] 776 00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:24,292 I had to look it up because I thought, "Well, I don't want to get in trouble." 777 00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:26,044 So I looked it up on the internet. 778 00:42:26,127 --> 00:42:31,675 Now, when I look stuff up on the internet, I never know how to properly phrase it, 779 00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:33,718 like, to get the real answer. 780 00:42:34,594 --> 00:42:37,514 So I think there's two internets, and I don't think 781 00:42:37,597 --> 00:42:39,266 I've ever seen the real internet. 782 00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:43,311 I think they go down how you ask the question, 783 00:42:43,395 --> 00:42:45,105 they send you down a dumb internet. 784 00:42:45,188 --> 00:42:47,899 [laughter] 785 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,987 So I typed in, I was like, "What are these laws with these eagles?" 786 00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:53,947 [laughter] 787 00:42:58,201 --> 00:43:00,370 And they're like, "He can't handle the truth. 788 00:43:01,997 --> 00:43:03,748 Send him down the circus internet." 789 00:43:03,832 --> 00:43:05,709 [laughter] 790 00:43:09,546 --> 00:43:11,172 So when you Google something, 791 00:43:11,256 --> 00:43:14,384 usually the link that has the answer on it, 792 00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:16,720 it's always, like, right above or near 793 00:43:16,803 --> 00:43:19,472 where the people also ask questions. 794 00:43:19,556 --> 00:43:21,683 And that's where they keep you dumb. 795 00:43:22,475 --> 00:43:26,146 And I try not to look at them because they're hard for me to avoid-- 796 00:43:26,229 --> 00:43:27,147 I love them. 797 00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:29,274 So I Google-- I put my hand right here, 798 00:43:31,443 --> 00:43:33,361 And I'm like, "Don't look down there." 799 00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:39,451 But if I see one of them, I'm like, "What is that about, though?" 800 00:43:42,454 --> 00:43:44,956 So I don't know the laws of eagles. 801 00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,751 Like, the first question I saw said, 802 00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:51,004 "What happens if I accidentally hit an eagle with my car?" 803 00:43:51,087 --> 00:43:53,340 [laughter] 804 00:43:53,423 --> 00:43:57,635 He worded that as if a lot of people are accusing of him 805 00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:00,555 on purpose hitting an eagle with this car. 806 00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:02,307 [laughter] 807 00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:06,269 The question I got hung up in the most, 808 00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:10,815 It said, "Is it a good sign if an eagle touches your head?" 809 00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:13,735 [laughter] 810 00:44:15,487 --> 00:44:19,240 And I was like, "Dude, are eagles touching people's heads?" 811 00:44:19,324 --> 00:44:20,867 [laughter] 812 00:44:20,950 --> 00:44:23,453 That sounds like an amazing sign, 813 00:44:23,536 --> 00:44:25,997 and I think it means you're chosen. 814 00:44:26,081 --> 00:44:27,540 [laughter] 815 00:44:29,209 --> 00:44:33,088 So I looked at the answer and was surprised to read, 816 00:44:33,171 --> 00:44:34,756 "You're lucky to be alive." 817 00:44:34,839 --> 00:44:37,008 [laughter] 818 00:44:40,637 --> 00:44:43,431 Eagles apparently are not-- not touching people's heads. 819 00:44:43,515 --> 00:44:45,683 Like, I just thought they were. 820 00:44:48,478 --> 00:44:49,938 So I looked into it because I was like, 821 00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:51,731 "Well, why are people asking this question?" 822 00:44:51,815 --> 00:44:54,859 And eagles have touched people's heads. 823 00:44:55,652 --> 00:45:00,115 So what happens is and I-- this is a little good bad news, 824 00:45:01,324 --> 00:45:03,618 This happens mainly to bald men. 825 00:45:04,744 --> 00:45:06,621 And by mainly, I mean only. 826 00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,957 [laughter] 827 00:45:10,417 --> 00:45:14,212 So if an eagle has got a turtle in its, like, mouth, 828 00:45:14,295 --> 00:45:16,089 and wants to break it on the-- 829 00:45:16,172 --> 00:45:18,383 It wants to break it on a rock to eat it. 830 00:45:19,092 --> 00:45:22,554 So they see your bald head and they think that's a rock. 831 00:45:22,637 --> 00:45:24,305 [laughter] 832 00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:26,391 That's crazy. It's crazy, dude. 833 00:45:26,474 --> 00:45:28,184 And look, you got a lot on your plate. 834 00:45:28,268 --> 00:45:29,769 I'm not trying to put more on it. 835 00:45:29,853 --> 00:45:31,980 [laughter] 836 00:45:34,107 --> 00:45:35,692 But you should be aware of this. 837 00:45:36,568 --> 00:45:38,153 If you're like, "What are the odds?" 838 00:45:38,236 --> 00:45:40,947 100% it's not going to not happen. So... 839 00:45:41,030 --> 00:45:42,615 [laughter] 840 00:45:43,450 --> 00:45:46,536 Ask questions. If someone's like, "Let's take a walk." 841 00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:48,872 Be like, "Well, what's the eagle situation like today? 842 00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:50,665 [laughter] 843 00:45:51,082 --> 00:45:53,334 "Are they low to the ground? Are they swooping?" 844 00:45:53,418 --> 00:45:55,044 [laughter] 845 00:45:56,629 --> 00:45:58,756 Finally, the eagle left. 846 00:45:59,174 --> 00:46:01,593 We had to, like, do some work in our backyard, 847 00:46:01,676 --> 00:46:03,344 so we hired a contractor. 848 00:46:03,428 --> 00:46:06,848 And being a contractor, that's a great job to have. 849 00:46:07,515 --> 00:46:10,602 Because you can just ruin someone's life and leave. 850 00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:12,896 [laughter] 851 00:46:14,147 --> 00:46:16,858 They took part of our fence down and put a Porta-John 852 00:46:16,941 --> 00:46:18,943 in the driveway and left for one month. 853 00:46:19,027 --> 00:46:20,778 [laughter] 854 00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:24,824 It looked like that's what I was having done. 855 00:46:24,908 --> 00:46:26,951 [laughter] 856 00:46:29,704 --> 00:46:32,790 I called a company and I was like, "I don't like, um, my fence, 857 00:46:32,874 --> 00:46:34,876 and I like to pee in the driveway. Do you all do that?" 858 00:46:34,959 --> 00:46:36,628 [laughter] 859 00:46:37,378 --> 00:46:39,839 And they said, "That's the main thing that we do." 860 00:46:39,923 --> 00:46:41,466 [laughter] 861 00:46:42,425 --> 00:46:44,302 So we have to walk our dog now. 862 00:46:44,385 --> 00:46:46,721 And our dog is always, like, pulling us on the leash. 863 00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,264 She's always, like, yanking us. 864 00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:50,266 And my neighbor's dog doesn't do that. 865 00:46:50,350 --> 00:46:52,101 It always, like, walks right next to him. 866 00:46:52,185 --> 00:46:53,311 And I asked him, I was like, 867 00:46:53,394 --> 00:46:55,688 "How'd you get your dog to walk next to you like that?" 868 00:46:55,772 --> 00:46:58,316 And he said, "We bought one of those choke collars," 869 00:46:58,566 --> 00:47:01,027 those things that stabs the dog's neck. 870 00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:04,572 And I was like, "Golly, dude." Uh... 871 00:47:04,656 --> 00:47:06,658 "All right, so if I don't have that, 872 00:47:06,741 --> 00:47:09,077 should I just hold a machete under her throat?" 873 00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,912 [laughter] 874 00:47:10,995 --> 00:47:13,206 "Like a hostage situation?" 875 00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,877 I said, "Good night, man." Uh... 876 00:47:17,961 --> 00:47:19,504 "How'd you all potty train him? 877 00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,924 Did you buy two dogs and the first one that peed, 878 00:47:23,007 --> 00:47:24,884 you just shot it in front of the other one?" 879 00:47:24,968 --> 00:47:26,469 [laughter] 880 00:47:30,390 --> 00:47:33,142 So as-- as a comedian, 881 00:47:33,226 --> 00:47:36,104 my hours, like, I stay up very late into the night. 882 00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:38,147 I sleep late into the day. 883 00:47:38,231 --> 00:47:40,525 I try to wake up with a ten in front of it. 884 00:47:40,608 --> 00:47:41,818 I root for it. 885 00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:47,031 When you sleep late into the day, your day-- you open your eyes, 886 00:47:47,115 --> 00:47:48,575 your day is just going. 887 00:47:49,033 --> 00:47:51,035 My friends that get up, like, five in the morning, 888 00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:53,371 they're like, "It's so peaceful and quiet." 889 00:47:53,454 --> 00:47:56,624 Right when my eyes open, it's like "Everything's happening now!" 890 00:47:56,708 --> 00:47:58,501 [laughter] 891 00:48:00,712 --> 00:48:04,674 If I ever come meet you at noon, just know I set my alarm 892 00:48:04,757 --> 00:48:06,801 and I will be coming in pretty hot. 893 00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:08,886 [laughter] 894 00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:14,058 So everybody in our family, you know, 895 00:48:14,142 --> 00:48:16,227 everybody's got bedtime routines in their family, 896 00:48:16,311 --> 00:48:20,440 so our family, we try to send our daughter to bed, like 9:00, 9:30, 897 00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:21,858 something like that. 898 00:48:21,941 --> 00:48:24,027 And then me and my wife can watch TV, whatever. 899 00:48:24,110 --> 00:48:25,778 My wife, we usually start falling asleep. 900 00:48:25,862 --> 00:48:27,447 She'll go to bed, like, 11:30. 901 00:48:27,822 --> 00:48:29,824 And then I'll lay-- I'll sit out there and I watch TV 902 00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:31,492 till, like, two or something. 903 00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:33,870 Sometimes my wife, she'll go to bed, 904 00:48:33,953 --> 00:48:35,663 and then she comes back with a blanket 905 00:48:35,747 --> 00:48:38,041 and she lays next to me and she's like, 906 00:48:38,124 --> 00:48:39,709 "Well, I'm going to just sleep out here, 907 00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:42,211 and I'll go to bed when you go to bed." 908 00:48:42,295 --> 00:48:44,380 And I don't care for that at all. 909 00:48:44,464 --> 00:48:46,507 -You know what I mean? -[laughter] 910 00:48:56,768 --> 00:48:58,895 "It's like you already promised to go to bed, 911 00:48:58,978 --> 00:49:00,938 and I got pretty excited, so I don't..." 912 00:49:01,022 --> 00:49:02,732 [laughter] 913 00:49:02,815 --> 00:49:05,234 [audience member cheers] 914 00:49:08,446 --> 00:49:10,323 I think that's the hardest part of marriage. 915 00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:11,574 How do you say that nicely? 916 00:49:12,533 --> 00:49:14,327 How do you tell the most important-- 917 00:49:14,410 --> 00:49:16,621 the person that you love more than life itself-- 918 00:49:16,704 --> 00:49:19,499 How do you say, "Hey, out of all the people on Earth, 919 00:49:19,582 --> 00:49:22,460 you're the only one I don't want near me right now"? 920 00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:24,504 [laughter] 921 00:49:30,510 --> 00:49:32,220 There's a-- Look, there's a lot of stuff 922 00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:35,139 I'm not allowed to do near her as well. 923 00:49:35,223 --> 00:49:38,434 If I snore, she hits me with a closed fist. 924 00:49:38,518 --> 00:49:40,395 [laughter] 925 00:49:40,478 --> 00:49:42,730 Those nudging days are long gone. 926 00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,524 [laughter] 927 00:49:46,943 --> 00:49:50,530 Every birthday I have, she just tells me what she was going to buy me, 928 00:49:50,613 --> 00:49:51,948 never buys it. 929 00:49:52,031 --> 00:49:53,616 [laughter] 930 00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:57,787 I've almost had some pretty awesome stuff. 931 00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:59,747 [laughter] 932 00:50:04,794 --> 00:50:07,171 I'm not allowed to eat near her. 933 00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:10,007 I guess I'd chew louder than a lot of humans, 934 00:50:10,717 --> 00:50:12,885 and she has the hearing of an owl. 935 00:50:12,969 --> 00:50:14,721 [laughter] 936 00:50:14,804 --> 00:50:19,267 If we eat meat, I got to eat it in the yard like a lion at the zoo. 937 00:50:19,350 --> 00:50:20,768 [laughter] 938 00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:23,604 "Did you like that gum? I heard you pull up in the driveway. 939 00:50:23,688 --> 00:50:25,022 Chomping away." 940 00:50:25,106 --> 00:50:27,024 [audience member whoops] 941 00:50:27,108 --> 00:50:30,194 God forbid I want cereal, I got to make sure she's underwater. 942 00:50:30,278 --> 00:50:32,447 [laughter] 943 00:50:34,365 --> 00:50:37,285 We used to watch that show The Amazing Race together. 944 00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:40,329 And she was always like, "Oh, we should do that." 945 00:50:41,330 --> 00:50:45,376 And I told her, I said, "Look, if you want to get divorced on live TV, let's do it." 946 00:50:45,460 --> 00:50:47,378 [laughter] 947 00:50:49,714 --> 00:50:52,967 I don't think we'd make it from our house to the local airport. 948 00:50:53,050 --> 00:50:55,178 [laughter] 949 00:50:58,389 --> 00:51:01,559 We're not the couple to survive that. We can do a lot of stuff good. 950 00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,144 That's not one of our strengths. 951 00:51:03,978 --> 00:51:05,688 And I've seen a glimpse of it. 952 00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:08,232 So we went to golf recently. 953 00:51:08,316 --> 00:51:10,943 I love to golf, and I do love when she goes. 954 00:51:11,027 --> 00:51:13,863 When you love something, you want your spouse to come do it with you. 955 00:51:13,946 --> 00:51:15,031 So we go play golf. 956 00:51:15,114 --> 00:51:20,536 And I'm sure everybody knows this, but in golf, tee times are very specific. 957 00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:24,457 It's 1:56, it's 2:04, 2:13. 958 00:51:24,540 --> 00:51:28,211 These are the times. I didn't make it up. This is what they do. 959 00:51:28,294 --> 00:51:29,212 [laughter] 960 00:51:29,295 --> 00:51:32,965 Our tee time is 1:56, and we're driving to the first tee. 961 00:51:33,049 --> 00:51:37,303 It's 1:55. She goes, "I need to go to the bathroom and get something to drink." 962 00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:40,431 I tell her, "That is too bad." 963 00:51:40,515 --> 00:51:42,141 [laughter] 964 00:51:42,225 --> 00:51:44,936 I said, "We tee off in 15 seconds." 965 00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:46,979 [laughter] 966 00:51:48,272 --> 00:51:49,899 And she said, "I thought it was two-ish." 967 00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:52,151 I go, "Well, you made that up on your own." 968 00:51:52,235 --> 00:51:54,487 [laughter] 969 00:51:56,322 --> 00:51:59,033 This is the most rule-following place on Earth. 970 00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:00,701 [laughter] 971 00:52:00,785 --> 00:52:03,871 She says, "I'm still going to go," and I was like, "All right, whatever." 972 00:52:04,163 --> 00:52:06,541 I'm not trying to start a fight before we get going. 973 00:52:06,624 --> 00:52:10,920 So I get out of the golf cart, and I grab my driver and one golf ball, 974 00:52:11,003 --> 00:52:13,297 And I was like, "Go do whatever you got to go do. 975 00:52:13,381 --> 00:52:15,550 But I need to tee off so we're on time. 976 00:52:15,633 --> 00:52:16,884 So I'm going to tee off 977 00:52:16,968 --> 00:52:19,929 and just meet me in the fairway for my second shot." 978 00:52:20,012 --> 00:52:22,139 And she's not going to play every hole anyway. 979 00:52:22,223 --> 00:52:24,016 So I'm, like, pointing at the fairway. 980 00:52:24,100 --> 00:52:26,269 And-- So she drives off, 981 00:52:26,352 --> 00:52:29,772 and I go up to the first tee. There's these old men there. 982 00:52:29,856 --> 00:52:32,984 Now, they don't tee off till tomorrow, but they like to get there early. 983 00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:35,486 [laughter] 984 00:52:37,613 --> 00:52:39,282 So I got a group watching. 985 00:52:39,907 --> 00:52:43,202 I tee off. It's a good shot. Goes in the fairway, not a big deal. 986 00:52:43,286 --> 00:52:44,871 A lot of people do that. 987 00:52:45,621 --> 00:52:49,417 I tee off, then play four holes alone with my driver. 988 00:52:49,500 --> 00:52:52,295 [laughter] 989 00:53:00,678 --> 00:53:02,930 Do you know how big of a psycho you look like...? 990 00:53:03,014 --> 00:53:05,224 [laughter] 991 00:53:05,308 --> 00:53:08,978 ...when you go hit every single golf shot 992 00:53:09,061 --> 00:53:12,064 with the least versatile club in the bag? 993 00:53:12,148 --> 00:53:14,066 [laughter] 994 00:53:14,150 --> 00:53:16,319 Those old men were like, "What's he doing?" 995 00:53:16,402 --> 00:53:17,528 [laughter] 996 00:53:17,612 --> 00:53:20,698 As they watch me line drive my second shot. 997 00:53:23,034 --> 00:53:25,036 I chipped with that driver. 998 00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:26,203 [laughter] 999 00:53:26,287 --> 00:53:30,124 Very luckily, seven-putted with that same driver. 1000 00:53:31,500 --> 00:53:33,502 [applause] 1001 00:53:33,586 --> 00:53:35,504 [whistling] 1002 00:53:36,505 --> 00:53:40,718 She finally showed up, and she was laughing. 1003 00:53:41,636 --> 00:53:44,555 I wasn't as thrilled as she thought I should be. 1004 00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:46,265 [laughter] 1005 00:53:47,016 --> 00:53:48,142 I did tell her. I was like, 1006 00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:50,436 "I think I want to tell this story on stage." 1007 00:53:51,020 --> 00:53:54,148 And so people always ask about, like, the stories I tell about her. 1008 00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:56,150 And-- She knows every story I say. 1009 00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:59,028 I would never tell stories she didn't want me to say. 1010 00:53:59,362 --> 00:54:02,490 But this one, she goes, "At least tell my side of it." 1011 00:54:02,573 --> 00:54:04,450 [laughter] 1012 00:54:04,533 --> 00:54:07,078 And I was like, this is the only one that I am. 1013 00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:12,083 You made your husband play four holes alone with this driver. 1014 00:54:12,792 --> 00:54:15,336 You got out of the bathroom, forgot how Earth worked, 1015 00:54:15,419 --> 00:54:17,171 and drove the wrong way for an hour. 1016 00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:19,256 [laughter] 1017 00:54:22,343 --> 00:54:24,804 I had to play par three with a driver. 1018 00:54:25,805 --> 00:54:28,516 You know how far you got to choke down on the driver? 1019 00:54:29,308 --> 00:54:32,436 I had just the head in my hand, just hittin' it. 1020 00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:34,397 [laughter] 1021 00:54:38,734 --> 00:54:42,738 Everybody thought I was a guy with a metal detector out there just walking around. 1022 00:54:42,822 --> 00:54:44,699 [laughter] 1023 00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:48,411 She always tells me I don't listen. 1024 00:54:48,494 --> 00:54:51,414 She's like, "You don't listen. You never listen." 1025 00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:54,583 I-I've heard that every time. But... 1026 00:54:54,667 --> 00:54:56,711 [laughter] 1027 00:54:58,963 --> 00:55:00,381 It's the other stuff. 1028 00:55:02,758 --> 00:55:05,761 And I don't-- I don't think I listen to everything. 1029 00:55:05,845 --> 00:55:09,432 But I also don't think she says everything she thinks she says. 1030 00:55:09,515 --> 00:55:11,267 [laughter] 1031 00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:14,020 There's just no way. 1032 00:55:14,979 --> 00:55:18,649 Seventeen years of marriage. You're battin' a thousand, I'm oh-fer? 1033 00:55:18,733 --> 00:55:20,276 I've never heard anything? 1034 00:55:20,359 --> 00:55:21,819 [laughter] 1035 00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:27,408 She might say it all in her mind, 1036 00:55:27,491 --> 00:55:30,828 but, I mean, not everything makes it out of that maze up there. 1037 00:55:30,911 --> 00:55:32,580 [laughter] 1038 00:55:35,041 --> 00:55:39,920 She started selling stuff, uh, online, on Facebook Marketplace. 1039 00:55:40,421 --> 00:55:44,258 And I found this out from a guy at my front door. 1040 00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:46,761 [laughter] 1041 00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:53,142 I don't even really know what it is. 1042 00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:56,395 I think it's just putting your home address on the open internet. 1043 00:55:58,856 --> 00:56:00,691 She doesn't sell used cars. 1044 00:56:00,775 --> 00:56:03,152 There's not like big money coming in. 1045 00:56:03,235 --> 00:56:05,654 She sells stuff that should be thrown away. 1046 00:56:07,156 --> 00:56:11,869 She sold an old kids' folding chair for $5. 1047 00:56:13,245 --> 00:56:17,500 Best case scenario, we receive $5. 1048 00:56:21,087 --> 00:56:24,715 Worst case, our whole family is murdered. 1049 00:56:24,799 --> 00:56:26,592 [laughter] 1050 00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:38,521 But if the stars align and it goes as great as she could hope it to go, 1051 00:56:39,563 --> 00:56:42,233 we receive $5. 1052 00:56:47,029 --> 00:56:49,698 She wanted to get our front door refinished. 1053 00:56:49,782 --> 00:56:51,242 I don't even know what that means, 1054 00:56:51,826 --> 00:56:55,162 but it's a two-year-old home, so I'm sure it was time for it. 1055 00:56:55,246 --> 00:56:57,498 [laughter] 1056 00:56:59,125 --> 00:57:03,003 She gets all this set up and I do not know this is happening. 1057 00:57:03,087 --> 00:57:06,841 So the day the guys come over, they ring the doorbell and she's gone. 1058 00:57:06,924 --> 00:57:08,467 And I'm home alone. 1059 00:57:08,551 --> 00:57:12,388 And they ring it at like 9:00 a.m., which for me, is like five in the morning. 1060 00:57:12,471 --> 00:57:14,390 I mean, I am dead asleep, 1061 00:57:15,641 --> 00:57:18,269 but I know I'm too old to be asleep that late, 1062 00:57:18,352 --> 00:57:20,563 so I got to go look like a regular guy. 1063 00:57:21,313 --> 00:57:23,440 So I go put a suit on real fast. 1064 00:57:23,524 --> 00:57:25,317 [laughter] 1065 00:57:28,195 --> 00:57:31,490 I'm going to the door, trying to look away, like, I haven't talked yet. 1066 00:57:31,574 --> 00:57:33,534 You know, my voice is awful. 1067 00:57:33,617 --> 00:57:34,994 I'm like, [grunts] hello. 1068 00:57:35,077 --> 00:57:38,664 [grunting] Hello... Hello... Hello... 1069 00:57:44,712 --> 00:57:46,714 I opened the door and I was like, "Hi." 1070 00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:48,382 [laughter] 1071 00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:50,217 And they were like, "Did we wake you up?" 1072 00:57:50,301 --> 00:57:52,303 And I was like, "I've been awake, actually. 1073 00:57:53,137 --> 00:57:55,472 My fax machine is going crazy. 1074 00:57:58,142 --> 00:58:01,270 I've already voted. I vote every day." 1075 00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:06,025 He goes, "Well, we're here to refinish the door. 1076 00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:10,487 And I was like, "Okay, uh, half the door is out there, 1077 00:58:10,571 --> 00:58:12,865 so let me know when you would like on this side." 1078 00:58:12,948 --> 00:58:14,909 [laughter] 1079 00:58:20,539 --> 00:58:25,211 And he goes, "Well, we have to actually take the front door with us." 1080 00:58:27,129 --> 00:58:28,714 And I was... 1081 00:58:31,342 --> 00:58:32,509 It's like, "Oh." 1082 00:58:34,220 --> 00:58:36,555 I've been awake for 45 seconds. 1083 00:58:36,639 --> 00:58:38,641 [laughter] 1084 00:58:42,102 --> 00:58:45,940 And now have to decide do I give a man I've never seen... 1085 00:58:46,023 --> 00:58:48,025 [laughter] 1086 00:58:48,984 --> 00:58:52,780 ...what I believe is the absolute most crucial part of our home. 1087 00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:54,782 [laughter] 1088 00:58:58,285 --> 00:59:03,123 So I gave it to him. He took it. Yeah. I thought, "I hope she wanted this." 1089 00:59:03,958 --> 00:59:06,877 She better not come home and be like, "Where's the door? 1090 00:59:07,878 --> 00:59:10,631 Why do you have a suit on and where's the door?" 1091 00:59:11,799 --> 00:59:13,926 Phoenix, thank you so much for coming out. 1092 00:59:14,009 --> 00:59:15,511 [cheering] 1093 00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:18,639 It means the absolute world that you guys show up 1094 00:59:18,722 --> 00:59:20,432 and none of that's lost on me. 1095 00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:21,809 I'm truly grateful. Thank you. 1096 00:59:21,892 --> 00:59:23,769 [cheering] 1097 00:59:23,852 --> 00:59:26,146 (happy music playing) 1098 00:59:26,689 --> 00:59:29,483 ♪ I'ma sing my soul ♪ 1099 00:59:30,317 --> 00:59:34,947 ♪ I'ma sing my soul I'ma sing my soul ♪ 1100 00:59:35,030 --> 00:59:37,283 ♪ Yeah ♪ 1101 00:59:44,331 --> 00:59:47,835 ♪ I'ma sing my soul I'ma sing my soul ♪ 1102 00:59:50,296 --> 00:59:52,214 ♪ I'm all right ♪ 1103 00:59:52,298 --> 00:59:55,509 ♪ Would you say you Depend on the weather? ♪ 1104 00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:57,428 ♪ My sunshine ♪ 1105 00:59:57,511 --> 01:00:00,556 ♪ Is a buzz and a light I'll be singing out ♪ 1106 01:00:00,639 --> 01:00:04,977 ♪ know it's hard to believe me ♪ 1107 01:00:05,060 --> 01:00:07,896 ♪ It's a good day ♪ 1108 01:00:07,980 --> 01:00:12,609 ♪ I'm all right I'm all right ♪ 1109 01:00:13,402 --> 01:00:16,071 ♪ I think that I'm all right ♪ 1110 01:00:19,116 --> 01:00:20,743 ♪ It's a good day ♪ 80459

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.