All language subtitles for Stand-up.Nate.Bargatze.Hello.World.2023---80x

(happy music playing)

♪ Today's a good day
Never know, never know ♪

♪ When the next one
Will show, it'll show ♪

♪ So I'ma sing my soul,
l'ma sing my soul ♪

♪ Today's a good day
Never know, never know ♪

♪ When the next one
Will show, it'll show ♪

♪ So I'ma sing my soul,
l'ma sing my soul ♪

Please welcome my daddy,
Nate Bargatze.

[cheering]

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

All right.

Thank you. That's...

That's very nice. It's happening.
Hey Bear.

Thank you for coming out.
I'm excited to be here.

A big fan of Phoenix. I like it a lot.

[cheering]

So when I started this tour,

one of the first places I went
was Omaha, Nebraska.

-[whooping]
-And, all right...

Uh...

[chuckles]

In Omaha,

they have a sporting
goods store there called Scheels.

And yeah, it's two floors,
and if you never been,

if you see one, go visit it.

It's not a tourist attraction.
It's these people's regular lives.

[laughter]

But go check it out.

And if you do,
make sure you go to the gun section

and look at the access
they give you to guns.

It's remarkable. I mean,
they're attached to nothing.

Some are laying around,
some are on the floor.

You will go to Verizon next door,
and you can't get the phone to your ear.

[laughter]

Scheels is like,
"Feel the weight of that thing, man.

Walk around with it."

I rode down an escalator
with a shotgun, just, like...

I am from Old Hickory, Tennessee.

[audience whoops]

And look at-- look how far we made it.

[laughter]

Our zip code is 37138.

And how I was told to remember it
was 37 plus one equals 38.

[laughter]

There's...

I've never forgot it,
and I don't think you will either.

[laughter]

I don't know who does zip codes.
Probably the government.

But when they drove through
Old Hickory, they go,

"Let's go easy on these people."

[laughter]

Old Hickory is also named
after President Andrew Jackson.

And I told someone that in an interview.

And I'd said it-- I'm just, I'm, like,
used to saying it, so I said it.

And the guy stopped me,
and he was like, "You know what?"

He's like,
"Andrew Jackson was a bad guy."

And I was like, "Oh." I was like,

"We didn't, like,
know him or anything like that."

[laughter]

"We didn't move there
because we were fans."

[laughter]

I've never been to his house.

I don't-- I missed it,
like, in fourth grade,

and I just have never gone.

I missed a lot of stuff.

We were supposed to go
see the White House in 6th grade,

and we couldn't
go because the Gulf War started.

And by the way,
I didn't even know we were supposed to go.

I only found out we weren't going.

[laughter]

But our teacher came and said,
"We can't go. The Gulf War started,

and they had to put a fence
around the White House."

And that was it.
Never talked about it a day after that.

So I just assumed the Gulf War
was on the streets of Washington.

[laughter]

And it had gotten so bad

that they finally had to put a fence
around the White House.

So I go to D.C.
for the first time in my thirties,

and I was alone,
and I go to the White House,

and I see that fence,
and I honestly was like,

"I remember when they put this fence up."

[laughter]

We had a battle over the Gulf of Mexico.

[laughter]

Look, I say a lot of dumb stuff.

Uh, I try to keep it
in front of large groups.

Seems to go better that way.

[laughter]

When you say something dumb one-on-one,
it's a lot for that person.

[laughter]

I'll say it,
then I can just feel that they

feel the weight
of my life on their shoulders.

[laughter]

I had it happen.
I went on a hike with a comedian.

And it was a very flat hike.

I'm not trying to be better than anybody.

The whole hike was paved.
It was paved.

We could see our car at all times.

It was in front of a hospital.

[laughter]

So we're out there,
we're trekking along, it-it's going good.

We're having a fun day.
We're laughing, making fun.

And then it was a little chilly that day.

So we walk by this turtle,
and then there's a pond,

and so the turtle jumps in the water.

So right when the turtle
jumped in the water, I was like,

I bet when he got in that water,
he was like, "Woo, it's cold today."

Yeah. I don't--I don't know
what I wanted out of that.

[laughter]

I thought we were having fun.

You know, I didn't expect a real answer.

And he told me for real,
like, it was, like, too dumb for him.

And he was like,
"Well, turtles are cold blooded,

so it probably just feels like bathwater."

And I had to say, "Okay." Like--

[laughter]

I'm ten years older than him,

Like, that's--

[laughter]

And the day was ruined. I mean,
you don't just go back to having fun.

Now it's weird.

You know, I'm thinking,
"Why would you even say it?"

Do I know that? No, but do
you know I don't know it? No either. So...

[laughter]

I haven't talked to him
since that day, to be honest.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Last thing I said to him was that day,

and I just go,
"Sorry about that turtle stuff."

[laughter]

It's because your brain--

like, you have left brain,
and you have right brain.

And one part of your brain is super smart,

and the other part is dumb as rocks.

And I think that's true.

Look, anything I say up here does
not come from a building of education.

[laughter]

This is all stuff I've
overheard at Target or Lowe's.

[laughter]

So one part of your brain is smart,
and the other part is dumb.

You can trick your own brain.

That's how dumb the dumb part is.

[laughter]

It's in the same head.
That's embarrassing.

It's like if you don't hear this going on,
dude, if you're in a bad mood,

they tell you to fake smile, and
your dumb part will think it's a good day.

[laughter]

I mean, you don't hear
the planning going on?

Like, you're a part of the planning.

[laughter]

That would be like if you were
a conjoined twin

and you got thrown a surprise
birthday party by the other twin.

[laughter]

[applause]

I get stuck with
my dumb part all the time.

I do have a smart part,
but it just barely works.

It helps me tie my shoe in the morning.

Then he's like, "I got to get
out of here, y'all gonna be all right?"

[laughter]

I got stuck with my dumb part. So one
time I did a show in, like, some hotel.

It was in the ballroom of the hotel.

So afterwards,
I get done, and the show is great.

I go up to my room.

I'm watching TV, and when I'm
going to go to bed, I turn the TV off.

I go brush my teeth,
turn the bathroom light off,

and then I'm looking for the switch
for the main light in the room,

and I can't find it.
And I'm looking everywhere.

And I'll be honest with you,

I think I'm
unbelievable at turning lights off.

[laughter]

I take it for granted.

I mean, I swear to you, I think
I could go to all your homes tonight

and get all your
lights off without any of your help.

So 15 minutes go by,
I start crying a little bit.

[laughter]

I mean, I have a family that depends
on me, and I can't make this room dark.

[laughter]

I finally left the room
and went in the hallway.

That's how much I couldn't find it.
I thought, "Maybe it's in the hallway."

[laughter]

Never found it. And just slept with--

I mean, just-- this much light on my face.

[laughter]

To this day,
I don't know how to turn that light off.

I knew I couldn't ask.

You can't just, the next morning,
just be like,

"Hey, how do you turn
the main light off in the room?"

[laughter]

Everybody just--
"Did you not turn it off?"

You're like, "No, of course I got it off."

[laughter]

"How would you-- what if, like, someone
was having trouble with it, though?

Like, how would you tell them?"

I am the first born in my family.
Is there a lot of first born here tonight?

[cheering]

All right.

It's a lot of us. I like it.
We have to stick together.

We have the hardest of all the children.

We show up, our parents
are not ready for us to be there.

[laughter]

They don't have any money.

You basically get there. You're like,
"I don't think I should even be here yet."

[laughter]

But they want you to get a job
and start helping out.

The youngest, you show up,
your parents are trillionaires.

[whooping]

You live in homes
the oldest never even saw.

It's, like, "What's an upstairs?

I mean,
that's like a home on top of a home."

[laughter]

The house I was born into,

my parents were 23 when I was born,

and they rented a home.

And then we just--
I just talked to them about this,

and they said the front door of their home
was a sliding glass door.

And I was like, "That doesn't make sense."

[laughter]

Like, how do you even lock it?
You can only lock those with a pole.

[laughter]

So how do you lock it?

And then un-- you know...

And I asked him. I asked them
what I'm sure you are thinking.

I was like, "Are you sure you
did not live in this home backwards?"

[laughter]

That makes more sense to me...

than your front door
being a sliding glass door.

And they're like,
"No, that's what it was."

And I was like,
"What did the back door look like?"

And they go, "A regular door."
I go, "That's what I'm saying."

[laughter]

"And that's okay.

I think you were too young and poor to
know what a front door should look like."

We had a lot of front door problems.

The first house my parents bought,
it was like this old two bedroom home.

And I think I was 12 years old
and my dad wanted a screen door.

So he found one, like,
on the side of the road or something,

and he put it in.

But the handle was on the opposite side
of the door handle.

So if you came in our house,
you had to go like this.

And then like this.

[laughter]

When we were little, we had to run the
hospital, like, someone busted their head.

We had to go get stitches and...
at the emergency room,

so it ends up
being like kind of a crazy night.

My parents' best friends,
Wayne and Linda Denton,

they come up and they bring their kid.

So there's four adults
and there's three kids.

Now this is the '80s.

And they're just like,
"Let's just run to McDonald's

and get the kids Happy Meals."

Happy Meals are $0.79 back then.

But back then,
you could only pay with cash or gold.

[laughter]

So between all four adults,
they only had $2 on them.

So someone's not getting a Happy Meal.

So they come to me,
the oldest, and they said,

"Nate, is it okay if we don't buy you
a Happy Meal?"

-[audience awws]
-Yeah. And I was very sad about it,

but I said, "That's okay,"

because I figured
I would be rewarded for this sacrifice.

[laughter]

How they have rewarded me
is they still make fun of me to this day.

[laughter]

I'm 43 and they still come up to me
and go,

"Nate, is it okay if we don't buy you
a Happy Meal?"

They all laugh.

[laughter]

I never made fun of them,
you know, and I look,

I was being raised
by a bunch of hobo parents...

[laughter]

...that couldn't scrounge together
another dollar.

Why didn't you just tell
McDonald's the situation?

I think they would have given it to you.

We could only go out to
eat if kids eat free, that was it.

Twelve and under.

By the way, your parents tell you
never to lie till you pass 12.

[laughter]

And then everything's just
this big scheme.

I-- We go to this restaurant, O Charlie's.

So I got to go in there.

I'm, like, 17,
putting a cigarette out outside.

[laughter]

I'm older than the general manager.
I'm like, "What's that?

I'm 12. Don't worry about it."

[laughter]

Me and my daughter go to the table.

[laughter]

We had a waitress quit on us once.

She just quit.
She took her order and left.

And she was very nice. Like,
we didn't know she was going to quit.

And she was like,
"Oh, that's a good choice."

She wrote everything down and then
walked to her car and drove to her house.

[laughter]

And she didn't tell anybody
she was going to quit,

so no one knew to check on us.

She was at home watching TV,
and I mean, we sat there

with probably the most trust
we've ever had in a person.

[laughter]

I think about her every day.

[laughter]

You know, "What happened?
Where did you go?

Does she think about us?"

[laughter]

"Did we eat?
Are we still there?"

[laughter]

I'd love to find her, but it's hard.

I don't-- you know,
I don't remember what she looks like,

but I got kind of a crazy idea,

so I keep an eye out.

So if I ever see
someone that I think could be her...

So if I see a lady that's a little bit
older than me and she's kind of a mess...

I'm being judgmental,
but I don't think she got in

a car and drove to astronaut college.

-So...
-[laughter]

If I ever see a hot mess,
I just keep my eye on her a little bit.

And I was on a flight recently,
and this lady got on the plane

and she barely made this flight.

I mean, it looked like she
just found out she had a flight.

[laughter]

Like, she was out on the sidewalk.

And just someone goes up to her,
like, "Hey, you gotta go to Phoenix now."

[laughter]

So she comes on the plane. I mean,
they didn't even want to let her on.

They're trying to shut the door.
I thought we already took off.

She sits next to me.

She's pounding this water,
and she's got these headphones

she bought in this plastic case.

And she's trying to open them the
same way a raccoon would try to open them.

[laughter]

And she's eating it and clawing.

She punches it.

She can't get it.

So she looks at me and says loudly,
"Hey, do you have a knife on you?"

[laughter]

Like, we're in some back alley.

And I'm just like,
"I got a knife and a gun.

Which one would help more?"

[laughter]

So that was someone that I was like,

"Hey, did you ever wait tables?
Like, early '90s?"

[laughter]

My parents, uh, they also became Christian
when I was born.

And... everybody's still Christian,

but I got them
when they were the most Christian.

[laughter]

I had '80s and '90s Christian parents.

Well, that's the most Christian
you can ever get of the Christian.

[laughter]

[cheering]

I think Jesus had more fun than I did.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

I was not allowed to watch anything.

I mean, when they
made The Simpsons, it was like,

"I guess they're just
showing R-rated TV shows now."

[laughter]

And I don't-- I'm not complaining
about my parents.

My parents did a great job.

I was just naive
a little bit longer than most kids were.

I thought everybody told the truth.

I didn't know people lied.
I trusted everybody.

I found a $20 bill on the ground
once at Walmart

and I-- I turned it in

and I asked this guy if he dropped it,
and he said he did.

[laughter]

I was having a sleepover one night.

We're 12 years old,
and so a bunch of 12 year old boys,

we got sleeping bags
in the living room floor.

It's a very fun night.

At the end of the night,
I did not know they were going to do this.

But at the end of the night, they're like,
"We're going to watch Friday the 13th."

So I stand up in front of them alone,

and I say,
"I don't think I'm allowed to watch this."

[laughter]

I expected others to join me.

[laughter]

When no one joined,
the kid's mom came over to like,

she was just trying
to save me the embarrassment.

She's trying to be sweet
and she goes, "You know what?"

She goes, "Maybe just
don't tell your parents about it."

And I said,
"That's going to be pretty hard

because I've already called them
and they're on their way."

[laughter]

I didn't know
we could lie to these people.

This is the first
I'm hearing that's an option.

[laughter]

I don't say the word "sucks."

Like, "This sucks."
I don't because--

that was a very bad word in the '80s.

And look, I'm sorry to say it now.

This is supposed to be a clean show.
I'm bringing this filth into it.

[laughter]

That was a very bad word in the '80s.

If you said that word in the '80s,
it was like,

"Well, good luck with drugs
and life in prison."

[laughter]

My dad took us
to see the first Karate Kid

at the movie theater
and they said "sucks" in it.

And right when I heard it,
I looked at my dad and I go,

"What kind of trash you bringing us to?"

[laughter]

So I still don't say it.

Now, I have a sister
and she is ten years younger than me.

And apparently
was raised by her best friends.

[laughter]

She has no fear of them.

I mean, I'm scared
my dad's going to show up tonight.

[laughter]

She'll tell them they suck to their face.

I mean, just-- and I'm like, mortified.

"You can't talk to them like that."

She does whatever she wants.
She turned 18 and got a tattoo.

And I said, I mean, I was like,

"Well, you're going to get in
pretty big trouble

when they find that out."

And she goes,
"I'm 18. I can do whatever I want."

I go, "Yeah, well, I'm 28
and I'm still hiding wine,

so I don't think you can."

[laughter]

And she ruined them.

You know, that's the thing
that bothers me the most.

She's a bad influence on them.

She got a tattoo.
Then my dad went and got a tattoo.

Yeah, I guess he figured
no one's in charge anymore.

[laughter]

I recently found out my mom got a tattoo.

They tried to hide that one from me,
but I found out

and... I was livid when I found this out.

[laughter]

I mean, I sat them
all down together and I said,

"I don't think you all
should be hanging out anymore.

How about that?"

[laughter]

"Pardon my language,
but I think it stinks.

What's going on? I think it stinks."

[laughter]

Look, my parents are good people.

They just got
caught up in the wrong crowd.

[laughter]

My parents moved recently.

They wanted to get a home
that had zero-- Whoa, hold on.

I always forget to mention it.

Uh, we have a middle brother as well.

-And...
-[laughter]

It's, uh...

[laughter]

It's my fault.

It's hard, though. I mean,
every time I see him, I'm always like...

[exclaims]

[laughter]

What?

Every Christmas we go,
"Who's Derek?"

[laughter]

We're like, "Hey."

We would slide it to him.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Uh, no, our family is super close.

Uh, me and Derek, actually are
the only ones not in the tatted game.

[laughter]

My parents did move, though.
They're getting older, and...

They want to get a home-- Like,

they want to get a home with zero steps.

They're kind of--
they're tired of doing this.

[laughter]

And they're like,
"How do we just slide from here on out?"

[laughter]

So they found a place.

It's got a little backyard,
and so they moved in.

My mom wanted a koi pond.

She's kind of finally,
you know, at the age where she wants one.

[laughter]

So for Mother's Day, we were like,
"We're going to build it for you."

And so we got all the stuff,
then got shovels,

and we started digging the hole for it.

And I don't know
if you've ever dug a hole before,

but it's maybe the hardest thing
you ever do in your life.

[laughter]

You see it on TV and movies,

and it's like,
"I'll just dig this hole real fast."

And then you do it in real life,

it's like "I guess it's all CGI,
because it's impossible."

[laughter]

It's so hard that it made me
realize that this is why

so many people get caught

when they kill someone
with a shallow grave.

[laughter]

That's how hard digging a hole is.

Even if you're digging
the most important hole of your life.

[laughter]

You hit a point of just like, "All right,
that's good enough right there, boys."

[laughter]

"Yeah. Mm. Might be too deep."

[laughter]

Like, "Well, his hand's sticking out,"
you're like, "Put a leaf over it, dude."

[laughter]

"I wouldn't have killed him
if I knew this hole was that hard."

[laughter]

It's so hard that I promise you,

my mom's koi pond is above ground.

[laughter]

We're like, "Let's just go up with it."
You know?

Digging a hole,
that's a young person's game.

I miss being young.
Your 20s are great.

You're down for whatever.

Your friends call you.
They're like, "Do you want to go?"

You're like, "I'll go."
You don't even know where you're going.

You're like, "I'll move, dude.

I'll set my apartment on fire.
What do you want to do?"

[laughter]

Your 30s come and you're like,
"Where are we going?"

"How late are they open? Is it loud?"

[laughter]

"I am going to drive separate."

[laughter]

[cheering]

Your 40s, you're like,
"I'm not going."

[laughter]

I'm mad that you thought I would go.

[laughter]

My sister-- so my sister Abigail,
she bought a boat.

Uh, no one's ever told her no in her life.

[laughter]

Can she afford a boat? No.

[laughter]

So she bought a boat and a jet ski.

Figured, you're gonna get one repoed,
you might as well do two.

[laughter]

She always wants us
to go on the lake with her,

and I have been,

but I-- I could be getting old.

I don't like lakes.

All right? I'm on--
Like, I wanna go on a pontoon,

a boat that doesn't move.

I mean, her boat, it's just--

It's five hours.
You just sit in the back of it.

[imitates motorboat]

[laughter]

No one can talk. It's just chaos.

I mean, stuff is flying everywhere.

I'm sore for a month.
It's just like, "Is that from the boat?"

[laughter]

There's no rules on the lake.
It's just the Wild West.

Everybody drives as fast as they want.

There's always
sudden turns made out there.

Everybody driving a boat
is either drunk or eleven.

No one's a normal person.

[laughter]

Even getting ready to go out.

You always have to bring stuff.

And so she always tells me to bring ice,

and I don't want
to buy ice ever again in my life.

It seems dumb, but first of all,
you never get full warning to buy ice.

It's very last minute, very urgent.

It sounds like it's your fault.

[laughter]

You just open the door and it's like,
"Will you go get 50 bags of ice?"

[laughter]

If I don't think you have your ice
figured out, I won't go to your thing.

[laughter]

I mean, if I get a hint
you don't have your ice under control,

I'll turn around in a heartbeat.

[laughter]

Every time I go buy it, like,
it's never near where you pay for it.

I go into the gas station,
and I'm like, "Where's the ice?"

He's like, "All right..."

[laughter]

"You're going to hop
on this shuttle bus..."

[laughter]

"...and you're going to go do

medicine ball throws
for four to five hours."

[laughter]

And whatever amount of ice
you buy will never be the right amount.

It's either not enough
or the most ice I've ever seen in my life.

And my wife
won't let me just throw it away.

She's like,
"We'll go see if someone needs it."

So now she makes me walk
up to strangers at a gas station

and just be like,
"Anybody need a bag of ice?

Anybody?"

[laughter]

When you were inside,
I looked in your car and you had a cup,

and I was like, "Pfft,
you want little bag of ice for that cup?"

[laughter]

So being my age. So being 43--
43, you still think you're young.

I have this jacket on, and...

[laughter]

[audience member whoops]

[chuckles]

I'll hang out with a 23 year old.
And I'm like, "You get it, dude.

We're just a couple
of young dudes kicking it."

[laughter]

Some guy will walk up,
he's like, "I'm 45."

I'm like,
"Why don't you beat it, old man?"

[laughter]

"I can't believe that guy had the nerve
to think he was our age. Right, dude?

That's crazy.
Let's go sit down for a little bit."

[laughter]

[cheering]

I had to lose weight because
your 40s turn your back on you.

I gave my body the best, most
fun food forever, and now it's the worst.

And I can't-- I mean, it's brutal.

Like, I love-- I love pancakes.
I love them so much.

[laughter]

And they make me so tired.

[laughter]

And I never blame 'em.
I'm always like,

"What is up with me today?"

[laughter]

I can't get it going, you know?

And I'll go to my wife, and I'm like,
"I think we need new pillows."

[laughter]

And she's like, "You think it's that
loaf of bread and syrup you just ate?"

[laughter]

"I doubt it. But..."

[laughter]

Everything I eat, I can tell you

exactly where it's at in my body
once I swallow it.

It'd just be like,
"That's behind my heart.

It's behind my heart."

[laughter]

I love candy. I mean, I love it so much.
And it's...

I... I can't eat it
by the handfuls apparently.

I'm about to eat
the most candy ever after this. But...

[audience whoops]

What I did is, like, I was starting
to eat fruit instead of candy,

and I told someone that,
and they were like,

"You got to be careful with fruit.
There's a lot of sugar in fruit."

[laughter]

I was like, "Well, I'll let you know
when we hit that point."

[laughter]

You know, it's like,
"Let me meet your fat fruit friends.

I'd love to meet 'em."

[laughter]

"I want to meet your buddy
that can't fit through a door

because he's addicted to pineapple.
Let me see him."

[laughter]

Doctor visits change.

I had to get a physical.

I mean, before 40,
you don't even go inside.

It's like a drive-in window.

You just move your neck,
and he's like, "Come on, dude.

You're wasting
everybody's time, all right?"

[laughter]

"Why don't you go live a life?

Take some chances, take your
seat boat off and drive a little faster.

[laughter]

Then you pass 40, and the doctor is like,

"You mind shutting that door behind you?"

[laughter]

"I'd lock it.
We're about to get after it in here."

[laughter]

It was the first time
I've ever been talked to old.

It was just me and the doctor.

And he looks at me, and he just goes,
"Do you pee a lot at night?"

[laughter]

And I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
Did my dad just walk in the room?"

[laughter]

How old do you think I am?

I've never peed at night in my life.
How about that?

When the sun goes down,
I don't pee until I see it again."

[laughter]

"But since you brought it up,
What is a lot? What is a big amount?"

[laughter]

I like, my doctor. Uh, the one thing
that drives me crazy--

Every time I go, uh,
I have to fill the same form out.

And I'm like,
"What are you all doing with this form?"

[laughter]

Last time I said, "Let me take it home.

I'll take it. I don't know if you all have
a fire here every night..."

[laughter]

I don't know any of the answers,
and they're about my body.

[laughter]

I have to call my wife
and go through them. I'm like,

"Have I had surgery before?"

[laughter]

They always ask
what your family medical history is.

Where am I finding that out?

You think I'm just at home at Christmas,

I'm like, all right, "Who's got diabetes?"

[laughter]

"Come on, now.
Got a physical coming up."

[laughter]

"How many heart attacks
we got in the room?"

[laughter]

My wife and I, we have,
uh, we have one daughter.

We had a kid a little bit late,
so we got her in right under the buzzer.

She's an only child.
She gets a lot of attention.

It's more attention
than I'm getting right now.

[laughter]

It's just me and her mom all day.

And we're like, "Hello.

We love you so much,
and you're all we got."

She's going to be 45 and we're like,
"Just let us live with you. Let us."

[laughter]

I love having a girl. A girl world
is the only world that I know.

-[cheering]
-And...

When you only know one world,
the other world is like,

like, you're like,
"I don't understand it."

It like, it gets-- it's wild.

Like, she plays with her friends.
It's quiet. It's fun.

My buddy wanted me
to watch his son.

He watched my daughter one time,
which I learned is not a fair trade.

[laughter]

I should get eight watches
to his one watch.

[laughter]

I handed over a princess,
he just throws a bobcat in my house.

[laughter]

I lose him immediately,

he's like, under the deck,
chewing on wires.

[laughter]

I had to wrestle him down.

I was like,
"Why don't you walk him on a leash

before you bring them over next time?"

[laughter]

My wife does very good.

My wife, uh, she teaches our daughter
how to do a lot of stuff.

My wife is the man of our house.

And it can become hard because
she'll hire someone to fix something.

And they always come talk to me.

I just think they're used to
talking to husbands,

and they come to me, and I'm like,
"I don't know why you're here."

[laughter]

[audience member whoops]

We had our water heater-- Something.
I don't know, but...

[laughter]

I walked by at the wrong time,
now I'm in a water heater conversation.

[laughter]

And I'm like, "Yeah, well,
tough time for water heaters.

You know, like, just..."

[laughter]

Well, finally, you know, he's like,

"Where's the water heater at?"

And I was like, "I don't know."

You're like, "I don't--"
You're like...

[laughter]

"I don't think we have one, to be honest.

And we would like
to buy one from you today."

[laughter]

"So if we could go out to your truck,
I would love to pick one out."

[laughter]

And he was very confused by this.
He didn't know what to say.

But, you know, it's a new time,

so he was like,
"Is your husband here by any chance?"

[laughter]

[cheering]

I said, "Yeah,
she's around here somewhere."

[laughter]

"She's probably in the shed."

[laughter]

The guy that we have
that mows our yard is my wife.

[laughter]

[chuckles] "It's...

It's free, which is nice.

I don't care for the tone it is mowed in."

[laughter]

She wanted to mow it,
and I was like, "Look, that's fine,

but I want you to go tell every neighbor
that you choose to do this."

[laughter]

I don't want to always
be getting stopped like,

"You're the guy
that makes his wife mow the yard!"

[laughter]

I'm like, "Yeah,
I got my mom on the roof right now."

[laughter]

We had-- we had an eagle,
built a nest in our backyard.

And if you ever have that happen,
just so you know,

the eagle owns your land.

[laughter]

You can't do anything.
You can't bother it.

Like, you can't disturb it.

You got to be like, "Do you mind if we
come out to the yard that we pay for?"

And if the eagles not feeling it,
you got to go back inside.

[laughter]

Can't kill it. You go to jail for life.

We celebrate eagles in this country,
and it's gone to their head.

[laughter]

I had to look it up because I thought,
"Well, I don't want to get in trouble."

So I looked it up on the internet.

Now, when I look stuff up on the internet,
I never know how to properly phrase it,

like, to get the real answer.

So I think there's two internets,
and I don't think

I've ever seen the real internet.

I think they go down
how you ask the question,

they send you down a dumb internet.

[laughter]

So I typed in, I was like,
"What are these laws with these eagles?"

[laughter]

And they're like,
"He can't handle the truth.

Send him down the circus internet."

[laughter]

So when you Google something,

usually the link
that has the answer on it,

it's always, like, right above or near

where the people also ask questions.

And that's where they keep you dumb.

And I try not to look at them because
they're hard for me to avoid--

I love them.

So I Google-- I put my hand right here,

And I'm like, "Don't look down there."

But if I see one of them,
I'm like, "What is that about, though?"

So I don't know the laws of eagles.

Like, the first question I saw said,

"What happens if I accidentally
hit an eagle with my car?"

[laughter]

He worded that as if a lot
of people are accusing of him

on purpose hitting an eagle with this car.

[laughter]

The question I got hung up in the most,

It said, "Is it a good sign
if an eagle touches your head?"

[laughter]

And I was like, "Dude,
are eagles touching people's heads?"

[laughter]

That sounds like an amazing sign,

and I think it means you're chosen.

[laughter]

So I looked at the answer
and was surprised to read,

"You're lucky to be alive."

[laughter]

Eagles apparently are
not-- not touching people's heads.

Like, I just thought they were.

So I looked into it because I was like,

"Well, why are people
asking this question?"

And eagles have touched people's heads.

So what happens is and I--
this is a little good bad news,

This happens mainly to bald men.

And by mainly, I mean only.

[laughter]

So if an eagle has got a turtle
in its, like, mouth,

and wants to break it on the--

It wants to break it on a rock to eat it.

So they see your bald head
and they think that's a rock.

[laughter]

That's crazy. It's crazy, dude.

And look, you got a lot on your plate.

I'm not trying to put more on it.

[laughter]

But you should be aware of this.

If you're like, "What are the odds?"

100% it's not going to not happen. So...

[laughter]

Ask questions.
If someone's like, "Let's take a walk."

Be like, "Well, what's
the eagle situation like today?

[laughter]

"Are they low to the ground?
Are they swooping?"

[laughter]

Finally, the eagle left.

We had to, like,
do some work in our backyard,

so we hired a contractor.

And being a contractor,
that's a great job to have.

Because you can just
ruin someone's life and leave.

[laughter]

They took part of our fence down
and put a Porta-John

in the driveway and left for one month.

[laughter]

It looked like
that's what I was having done.

[laughter]

I called a company and I was like,
"I don't like, um, my fence,

and I like to pee in the driveway.
Do you all do that?"

[laughter]

And they said,
"That's the main thing that we do."

[laughter]

So we have to walk our dog now.

And our dog is always,
like, pulling us on the leash.

She's always, like, yanking us.

And my neighbor's dog doesn't do that.

It always, like, walks right next to him.

And I asked him, I was like,

"How'd you get your dog
to walk next to you like that?"

And he said,
"We bought one of those choke collars,"

those things that stabs the dog's neck.

And I was like, "Golly, dude." Uh...

"All right, so if I don't have that,

should I just hold
a machete under her throat?"

[laughter]

"Like a hostage situation?"

I said, "Good night, man." Uh...

"How'd you all potty train him?

Did you buy two dogs
and the first one that peed,

you just shot it
in front of the other one?"

[laughter]

So as-- as a comedian,

my hours, like, I stay up
very late into the night.

I sleep late into the day.

I try to wake up
with a ten in front of it.

I root for it.

When you sleep late into the day,
your day-- you open your eyes,

your day is just going.

My friends that get up,
like, five in the morning,

they're like,
"It's so peaceful and quiet."

Right when my eyes open,
it's like "Everything's happening now!"

[laughter]

If I ever come meet you at noon,
just know I set my alarm

and I will be coming in pretty hot.

[laughter]

So everybody in our family,
you know,

everybody's got bedtime routines
in their family,

so our family, we try to send our daughter
to bed, like 9:00, 9:30,

something like that.

And then me and my wife
can watch TV, whatever.

My wife, we usually start falling asleep.

She'll go to bed, like, 11:30.

And then I'll lay--
I'll sit out there and I watch TV

till, like, two or something.

Sometimes my wife, she'll go to bed,

and then she comes back with a blanket

and she lays next to me and she's like,

"Well, I'm going to just sleep out here,

and I'll go to bed when you go to bed."

And I don't care for that at all.

-You know what I mean?
-[laughter]

"It's like you already promised
to go to bed,

and I got pretty excited, so I don't..."

[laughter]

[audience member cheers]

I think that's
the hardest part of marriage.

How do you say that nicely?

How do you tell the most important--

the person that
you love more than life itself--

How do you say,
"Hey, out of all the people on Earth,

you're the only one
I don't want near me right now"?

[laughter]

There's a-- Look, there's a lot of stuff

I'm not allowed to do near her as well.

If I snore,
she hits me with a closed fist.

[laughter]

Those nudging days are long gone.

[laughter]

Every birthday I have, she just tells me
what she was going to buy me,

never buys it.

[laughter]

I've almost had some pretty awesome stuff.

[laughter]

I'm not allowed to eat near her.

I guess I'd chew louder
than a lot of humans,

and she has the hearing of an owl.

[laughter]

If we eat meat, I got to eat it
in the yard like a lion at the zoo.

[laughter]

"Did you like that gum?
I heard you pull up in the driveway.

Chomping away."

[audience member whoops]

God forbid I want cereal,
I got to make sure she's underwater.

[laughter]

We used to watch
that show The Amazing Race together.

And she was always like,
"Oh, we should do that."

And I told her, I said, "Look, if you want
to get divorced on live TV, let's do it."

[laughter]

I don't think we'd make it
from our house to the local airport.

[laughter]

We're not the couple to survive that.
We can do a lot of stuff good.

That's not one of our strengths.

And I've seen a glimpse of it.

So we went to golf recently.

I love to golf,
and I do love when she goes.

When you love something, you want
your spouse to come do it with you.

So we go play golf.

And I'm sure everybody knows this,
but in golf, tee times are very specific.

It's 1:56, it's 2:04, 2:13.

These are the times. I didn't make it up.
This is what they do.

[laughter]

Our tee time is 1:56,
and we're driving to the first tee.

It's 1:55. She goes, "I need to go to
the bathroom and get something to drink."

I tell her, "That is too bad."

[laughter]

I said, "We tee off in 15 seconds."

[laughter]

And she said, "I thought it was two-ish."

I go,
"Well, you made that up on your own."

[laughter]

This is the most
rule-following place on Earth.

[laughter]

She says, "I'm still going to go,"
and I was like, "All right, whatever."

I'm not trying to start a fight
before we get going.

So I get out of the golf cart,
and I grab my driver and one golf ball,

And I was like,
"Go do whatever you got to go do.

But I need to tee off so we're on time.

So I'm going to tee off

and just meet me in the fairway
for my second shot."

And she's not
going to play every hole anyway.

So I'm, like, pointing at the fairway.

And-- So she drives off,

and I go up to the first tee.
There's these old men there.

Now, they don't tee off till tomorrow,
but they like to get there early.

[laughter]

So I got a group watching.

I tee off. It's a good shot.
Goes in the fairway, not a big deal.

A lot of people do that.

I tee off, then play four holes
alone with my driver.

[laughter]

Do you know how
big of a psycho you look like...?

[laughter]

...when you go hit every single golf shot

with the least versatile club in the bag?

[laughter]

Those old men were like,
"What's he doing?"

[laughter]

As they watch me line drive
my second shot.

I chipped with that driver.

[laughter]

Very luckily,
seven-putted with that same driver.

[applause]

[whistling]

She finally showed up,
and she was laughing.

I wasn't as thrilled
as she thought I should be.

[laughter]

I did tell her. I was like,

"I think I want to
tell this story on stage."

And so people always ask
about, like, the stories I tell about her.

And-- She knows every story I say.

I would never tell stories
she didn't want me to say.

But this one, she goes,
"At least tell my side of it."

[laughter]

And I was like,
this is the only one that I am.

You made your husband
play four holes alone with this driver.

You got out of the bathroom,
forgot how Earth worked,

and drove the wrong way for an hour.

[laughter]

I had to play par three with a driver.

You know how far you got
to choke down on the driver?

I had just the head in my hand,
just hittin' it.

[laughter]

Everybody thought I was a guy with a metal
detector out there just walking around.

[laughter]

She always tells me I don't listen.

She's like,
"You don't listen. You never listen."

I-I've heard that every time. But...

[laughter]

It's the other stuff.

And I don't-- I don't think
I listen to everything.

But I also don't think she
says everything she thinks she says.

[laughter]

There's just no way.

Seventeen years of marriage.
You're battin' a thousand, I'm oh-fer?

I've never heard anything?

[laughter]

She might say it all in her mind,

but, I mean, not everything
makes it out of that maze up there.

[laughter]

She started selling stuff, uh, online,
on Facebook Marketplace.

And I found this out
from a guy at my front door.

[laughter]

I don't even really know what it is.

I think it's just putting your
home address on the open internet.

She doesn't sell used cars.

There's not like big money coming in.

She sells stuff
that should be thrown away.

She sold an old kids'
folding chair for $5.

Best case scenario, we receive $5.

Worst case, our whole family is murdered.

[laughter]

But if the stars align and it goes
as great as she could hope it to go,

we receive $5.

She wanted to get
our front door refinished.

I don't even know what that means,

but it's a two-year-old home,
so I'm sure it was time for it.

[laughter]

She gets all this set up
and I do not know this is happening.

So the day the guys come over,
they ring the doorbell and she's gone.

And I'm home alone.

And they ring it at like 9:00 a.m.,
which for me, is like five in the morning.

I mean, I am dead asleep,

but I know I'm too old
to be asleep that late,

so I got to go look like a regular guy.

So I go put a suit on real fast.

[laughter]

I'm going to the door, trying to
look away, like, I haven't talked yet.

You know, my voice is awful.

I'm like, [grunts] hello.

[grunting] Hello... Hello... Hello...

I opened the door and I was like, "Hi."

[laughter]

And they were like, "Did we wake you up?"

And I was like,
"I've been awake, actually.

My fax machine is going crazy.

I've already voted. I vote every day."

He goes,
"Well, we're here to refinish the door.

And I was like,
"Okay, uh, half the door is out there,

so let me know when you would
like on this side."

[laughter]

And he goes, "Well, we have to
actually take the front door with us."

And I was...

It's like, "Oh."

I've been awake for 45 seconds.

[laughter]

And now have to decide
do I give a man I've never seen...

[laughter]

...what I believe is the
absolute most crucial part of our home.

[laughter]

So I gave it to him. He took it.
Yeah. I thought, "I hope she wanted this."

She better not come home
and be like, "Where's the door?

Why do you have a suit on
and where's the door?"

Phoenix, thank you so much for coming out.

[cheering]

It means the absolute world
that you guys show up

and none of that's lost on me.

I'm truly grateful. Thank you.

[cheering]

(happy music playing)

♪ I'ma sing my soul ♪

♪ I'ma sing my soul
I'ma sing my soul ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'ma sing my soul
I'ma sing my soul ♪

♪ I'm all right ♪

♪ Would you say you
Depend on the weather? ♪

♪ My sunshine ♪

♪ Is a buzz and a light
I'll be singing out ♪

♪ know it's hard to believe me ♪

♪ It's a good day ♪

♪ I'm all right
I'm all right ♪

♪ I think that I'm all right ♪

♪ It's a good day ♪