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(happy music playing)
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♪ Today's a good dayNever know, never know ♪
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♪ When the next oneWill show, it'll show ♪
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♪ So I'ma sing my soul,l'ma sing my soul ♪
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♪ Today's a good dayNever know, never know ♪
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♪ When the next oneWill show, it'll show ♪
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♪ So I'ma sing my soul,l'ma sing my soul ♪
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Please welcome my daddy,
Nate Bargatze.
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[cheering]
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Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
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All right.
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Thank you. That's...
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That's very nice. It's happening.
Hey Bear.
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Thank you for coming out.
I'm excited to be here.
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A big fan of Phoenix. I like it a lot.
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[cheering]
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So when I started this tour,
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one of the first places I went
was Omaha, Nebraska.
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-[whooping]
-And, all right...
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Uh...
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[chuckles]
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In Omaha,
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they have a sporting
goods store there called Scheels.
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And yeah, it's two floors,
and if you never been,
25
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if you see one, go visit it.
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It's not a tourist attraction.
It's these people's regular lives.
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[laughter]
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But go check it out.
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And if you do,
make sure you go to the gun section
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and look at the access
they give you to guns.
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It's remarkable. I mean,
they're attached to nothing.
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Some are laying around,
some are on the floor.
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You will go to Verizon next door,
and you can't get the phone to your ear.
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[laughter]
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Scheels is like,
"Feel the weight of that thing, man.
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Walk around with it."
37
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I rode down an escalator
with a shotgun, just, like...
38
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I am from Old Hickory, Tennessee.
39
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[audience whoops]
40
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And look at-- look how far we made it.
41
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[laughter]
42
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Our zip code is 37138.
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And how I was told to remember it
was 37 plus one equals 38.
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[laughter]
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There's...
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I've never forgot it,
and I don't think you will either.
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[laughter]
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I don't know who does zip codes.
Probably the government.
49
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But when they drove through
Old Hickory, they go,
50
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"Let's go easy on these people."
51
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[laughter]
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Old Hickory is also named
after President Andrew Jackson.
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And I told someone that in an interview.
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And I'd said it-- I'm just, I'm, like,
used to saying it, so I said it.
55
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And the guy stopped me,
and he was like, "You know what?"
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He's like,
"Andrew Jackson was a bad guy."
57
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And I was like, "Oh." I was like,
58
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"We didn't, like,
know him or anything like that."
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[laughter]
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"We didn't move there
because we were fans."
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[laughter]
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I've never been to his house.
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I don't-- I missed it,
like, in fourth grade,
64
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and I just have never gone.
65
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I missed a lot of stuff.
66
00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,733
We were supposed to go
see the White House in 6th grade,
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and we couldn't
go because the Gulf War started.
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And by the way,
I didn't even know we were supposed to go.
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I only found out we weren't going.
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[laughter]
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But our teacher came and said,
"We can't go. The Gulf War started,
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and they had to put a fence
around the White House."
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And that was it.
Never talked about it a day after that.
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So I just assumed the Gulf War
was on the streets of Washington.
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00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:04,013
[laughter]
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00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,350
And it had gotten so bad
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that they finally had to put a fence
around the White House.
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So I go to D.C.
for the first time in my thirties,
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and I was alone,
and I go to the White House,
80
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and I see that fence,
and I honestly was like,
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"I remember when they put this fence up."
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[laughter]
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We had a battle over the Gulf of Mexico.
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[laughter]
85
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Look, I say a lot of dumb stuff.
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Uh, I try to keep it
in front of large groups.
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Seems to go better that way.
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[laughter]
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When you say something dumb one-on-one,
it's a lot for that person.
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[laughter]
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00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,735
I'll say it,
then I can just feel that they
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feel the weight
of my life on their shoulders.
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[laughter]
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00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:11,663
I had it happen.
I went on a hike with a comedian.
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And it was a very flat hike.
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00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,918
I'm not trying to be better than anybody.
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The whole hike was paved.
It was paved.
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We could see our car at all times.
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It was in front of a hospital.
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[laughter]
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So we're out there,
we're trekking along, it-it's going good.
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We're having a fun day.
We're laughing, making fun.
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And then it was a little chilly that day.
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So we walk by this turtle,
and then there's a pond,
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and so the turtle jumps in the water.
106
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So right when the turtle
jumped in the water, I was like,
107
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:54,706
I bet when he got in that water,
he was like, "Woo, it's cold today."
108
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Yeah. I don't--I don't know
what I wanted out of that.
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[laughter]
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I thought we were having fun.
111
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:08,554
You know, I didn't expect a real answer.
112
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And he told me for real,
like, it was, like, too dumb for him.
113
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And he was like,
"Well, turtles are cold blooded,
114
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so it probably just feels like bathwater."
115
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And I had to say, "Okay." Like--
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[laughter]
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I'm ten years older than him,
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Like, that's--
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[laughter]
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And the day was ruined. I mean,
you don't just go back to having fun.
121
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Now it's weird.
122
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,671
You know, I'm thinking,
"Why would you even say it?"
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Do I know that? No, but do
you know I don't know it? No either. So...
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[laughter]
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I haven't talked to him
since that day, to be honest.
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[laughter]
127
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[chuckles]
128
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Last thing I said to him was that day,
129
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and I just go,
"Sorry about that turtle stuff."
130
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[laughter]
131
00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,280
It's because your brain--
132
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,365
like, you have left brain,
and you have right brain.
133
00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,743
And one part of your brain is super smart,
134
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,329
and the other part is dumb as rocks.
135
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:17,873
And I think that's true.
136
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Look, anything I say up here does
not come from a building of education.
137
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[laughter]
138
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:27,507
This is all stuff I've
overheard at Target or Lowe's.
139
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:29,384
[laughter]
140
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So one part of your brain is smart,
and the other part is dumb.
141
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:38,685
You can trick your own brain.
142
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That's how dumb the dumb part is.
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[laughter]
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It's in the same head.
That's embarrassing.
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It's like if you don't hear this going on,
dude, if you're in a bad mood,
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they tell you to fake smile, and
your dumb part will think it's a good day.
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[laughter]
148
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I mean, you don't hear
the planning going on?
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Like, you're a part of the planning.
150
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,251
[laughter]
151
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,797
That would be like if you were
a conjoined twin
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00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,549
and you got thrown a surprise
birthday party by the other twin.
153
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,885
[laughter]
154
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:17,099
[applause]
155
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,982
I get stuck with
my dumb part all the time.
156
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:29,403
I do have a smart part,
but it just barely works.
157
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It helps me tie my shoe in the morning.
158
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Then he's like, "I got to get
out of here, y'all gonna be all right?"
159
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[laughter]
160
00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:45,294
I got stuck with my dumb part. So one
time I did a show in, like, some hotel.
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00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:47,337
It was in the ballroom of the hotel.
162
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:50,132
So afterwards,
I get done, and the show is great.
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I go up to my room.
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00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:55,262
I'm watching TV, and when I'm
going to go to bed, I turn the TV off.
165
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:58,015
I go brush my teeth,
turn the bathroom light off,
166
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,727
and then I'm looking for the switch
for the main light in the room,
167
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,479
and I can't find it.
And I'm looking everywhere.
168
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:05,731
And I'll be honest with you,
169
00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:08,233
I think I'm
unbelievable at turning lights off.
170
00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,651
[laughter]
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00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:10,986
I take it for granted.
172
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:14,489
I mean, I swear to you, I think
I could go to all your homes tonight
173
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:17,409
and get all your
lights off without any of your help.
174
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:24,416
So 15 minutes go by,
I start crying a little bit.
175
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,543
[laughter]
176
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:31,048
I mean, I have a family that depends
on me, and I can't make this room dark.
177
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,175
[laughter]
178
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I finally left the room
and went in the hallway.
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00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:43,018
That's how much I couldn't find it.
I thought, "Maybe it's in the hallway."
180
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,895
[laughter]
181
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,691
Never found it. And just slept with--
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00:10:49,775 --> 00:10:52,235
I mean, just-- this much light on my face.
183
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,904
[laughter]
184
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,119
To this day,
I don't know how to turn that light off.
185
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,413
I knew I couldn't ask.
186
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:06,625
You can't just, the next morning,
just be like,
187
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:09,586
"Hey, how do you turn
the main light off in the room?"
188
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,171
[laughter]
189
00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:14,674
Everybody just--
"Did you not turn it off?"
190
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,760
You're like, "No, of course I got it off."
191
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,887
[laughter]
192
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:23,517
"How would you-- what if, like, someone
was having trouble with it, though?
193
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,310
Like, how would you tell them?"
194
00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:33,860
I am the first born in my family.
Is there a lot of first born here tonight?
195
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,404
[cheering]
196
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,446
All right.
197
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:41,827
It's a lot of us. I like it.
We have to stick together.
198
00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,163
We have the hardest of all the children.
199
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:49,626
We show up, our parents
are not ready for us to be there.
200
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:50,836
[laughter]
201
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,087
They don't have any money.
202
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,881
You basically get there. You're like,
"I don't think I should even be here yet."
203
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,591
[laughter]
204
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:02,097
But they want you to get a job
and start helping out.
205
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:07,310
The youngest, you show up,
your parents are trillionaires.
206
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,439
[whooping]
207
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,775
You live in homes
the oldest never even saw.
208
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,113
It's, like, "What's an upstairs?
209
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,365
I mean,
that's like a home on top of a home."
210
00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:22,075
[laughter]
211
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,330
The house I was born into,
212
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,541
my parents were 23 when I was born,
213
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,626
and they rented a home.
214
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,837
And then we just--
I just talked to them about this,
215
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,507
and they said the front door of their home
was a sliding glass door.
216
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,928
And I was like, "That doesn't make sense."
217
00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,430
[laughter]
218
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:47,392
Like, how do you even lock it?
You can only lock those with a pole.
219
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,853
[laughter]
220
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:54,024
So how do you lock it?
221
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,484
And then un-- you know...
222
00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:58,862
And I asked him. I asked them
what I'm sure you are thinking.
223
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:02,032
I was like, "Are you sure you
did not live in this home backwards?"
224
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,117
[laughter]
225
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:11,082
That makes more sense to me...
226
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,961
than your front door
being a sliding glass door.
227
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,881
And they're like,
"No, that's what it was."
228
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,633
And I was like,
"What did the back door look like?"
229
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,677
And they go, "A regular door."
I go, "That's what I'm saying."
230
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:24,304
[laughter]
231
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,559
"And that's okay.
232
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,854
I think you were too young and poor to
know what a front door should look like."
233
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,904
We had a lot of front door problems.
234
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:46,576
The first house my parents bought,
it was like this old two bedroom home.
235
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:50,497
And I think I was 12 years old
and my dad wanted a screen door.
236
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:54,417
So he found one, like,
on the side of the road or something,
237
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,294
and he put it in.
238
00:13:56,378 --> 00:14:00,382
But the handle was on the opposite side
of the door handle.
239
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:04,177
So if you came in our house,
you had to go like this.
240
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,554
And then like this.
241
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:08,139
[laughter]
242
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:16,022
When we were little, we had to run the
hospital, like, someone busted their head.
243
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:19,401
We had to go get stitches and...
at the emergency room,
244
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,570
so it ends up
being like kind of a crazy night.
245
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:24,864
My parents' best friends,
Wayne and Linda Denton,
246
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:26,825
they come up and they bring their kid.
247
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:29,244
So there's four adults
and there's three kids.
248
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,870
Now this is the '80s.
249
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:32,747
And they're just like,
"Let's just run to McDonald's
250
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,082
and get the kids Happy Meals."
251
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:36,543
Happy Meals are $0.79 back then.
252
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:40,672
But back then,
you could only pay with cash or gold.
253
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,300
[laughter]
254
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:52,392
So between all four adults,
they only had $2 on them.
255
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,519
So someone's not getting a Happy Meal.
256
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:59,024
So they come to me,
the oldest, and they said,
257
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,860
"Nate, is it okay if we don't buy you
a Happy Meal?"
258
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,404
-[audience awws]
-Yeah. And I was very sad about it,
259
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,781
but I said, "That's okay,"
260
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:09,492
because I figured
I would be rewarded for this sacrifice.
261
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,620
[laughter]
262
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:17,375
How they have rewarded me
is they still make fun of me to this day.
263
00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:19,044
[laughter]
264
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,464
I'm 43 and they still come up to me
and go,
265
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,507
"Nate, is it okay if we don't buy you
a Happy Meal?"
266
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,717
They all laugh.
267
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,093
[laughter]
268
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,475
I never made fun of them,
you know, and I look,
269
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,269
I was being raised
by a bunch of hobo parents...
270
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,104
[laughter]
271
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:41,274
...that couldn't scrounge together
another dollar.
272
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:44,861
Why didn't you just tell
McDonald's the situation?
273
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,655
I think they would have given it to you.
274
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:55,163
We could only go out to
eat if kids eat free, that was it.
275
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:56,665
Twelve and under.
276
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:59,876
By the way, your parents tell you
never to lie till you pass 12.
277
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,462
[laughter]
278
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,216
And then everything's just
this big scheme.
279
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:09,302
I-- We go to this restaurant, O Charlie's.
280
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,637
So I got to go in there.
281
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,556
I'm, like, 17,
putting a cigarette out outside.
282
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,392
[laughter]
283
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,941
I'm older than the general manager.
I'm like, "What's that?
284
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:25,610
I'm 12. Don't worry about it."
285
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:27,445
[laughter]
286
00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:30,240
Me and my daughter go to the table.
287
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,325
[laughter]
288
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,000
We had a waitress quit on us once.
289
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:45,213
She just quit.
She took her order and left.
290
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:49,884
And she was very nice. Like,
we didn't know she was going to quit.
291
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:52,220
And she was like,
"Oh, that's a good choice."
292
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:56,933
She wrote everything down and then
walked to her car and drove to her house.
293
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,018
[laughter]
294
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:05,692
And she didn't tell anybody
she was going to quit,
295
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:07,569
so no one knew to check on us.
296
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:13,491
She was at home watching TV,
and I mean, we sat there
297
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:16,244
with probably the most trust
we've ever had in a person.
298
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,663
[laughter]
299
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,711
I think about her every day.
300
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,755
[laughter]
301
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:32,218
You know, "What happened?
Where did you go?
302
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,764
Does she think about us?"
303
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,932
[laughter]
304
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:41,519
"Did we eat?
Are we still there?"
305
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:42,937
[laughter]
306
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:48,109
I'd love to find her, but it's hard.
307
00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,820
I don't-- you know,
I don't remember what she looks like,
308
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,532
but I got kind of a crazy idea,
309
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,409
so I keep an eye out.
310
00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:59,996
So if I ever see
someone that I think could be her...
311
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:05,001
So if I see a lady that's a little bit
older than me and she's kind of a mess...
312
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:09,672
I'm being judgmental,
but I don't think she got in
313
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,091
a car and drove to astronaut college.
314
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:14,511
-So...
-[laughter]
315
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:25,480
If I ever see a hot mess,
I just keep my eye on her a little bit.
316
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:31,152
And I was on a flight recently,
and this lady got on the plane
317
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,279
and she barely made this flight.
318
00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:35,907
I mean, it looked like she
just found out she had a flight.
319
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,826
[laughter]
320
00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:39,494
Like, she was out on the sidewalk.
321
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:43,081
And just someone goes up to her,
like, "Hey, you gotta go to Phoenix now."
322
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,999
[laughter]
323
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,920
So she comes on the plane. I mean,
they didn't even want to let her on.
324
00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:52,340
They're trying to shut the door.
I thought we already took off.
325
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,052
She sits next to me.
326
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,430
She's pounding this water,
and she's got these headphones
327
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:01,599
she bought in this plastic case.
328
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:05,353
And she's trying to open them the
same way a raccoon would try to open them.
329
00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:07,230
[laughter]
330
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:11,150
And she's eating it and clawing.
331
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,696
She punches it.
332
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,491
She can't get it.
333
00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:22,579
So she looks at me and says loudly,
"Hey, do you have a knife on you?"
334
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,164
[laughter]
335
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,879
Like, we're in some back alley.
336
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:33,798
And I'm just like,
"I got a knife and a gun.
337
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,341
Which one would help more?"
338
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,759
[laughter]
339
00:19:40,555 --> 00:19:43,099
So that was someone that I was like,
340
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,935
"Hey, did you ever wait tables?
Like, early '90s?"
341
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,353
[laughter]
342
00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:58,323
My parents, uh, they also became Christian
when I was born.
343
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:00,783
And... everybody's still Christian,
344
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,870
but I got them
when they were the most Christian.
345
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,872
[laughter]
346
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:10,293
I had '80s and '90s Christian parents.
347
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:14,631
Well, that's the most Christian
you can ever get of the Christian.
348
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,633
[laughter]
349
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,677
[cheering]
350
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,390
I think Jesus had more fun than I did.
351
00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:26,309
[laughter]
352
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,480
[chuckles]
353
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,901
I was not allowed to watch anything.
354
00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,362
I mean, when they
made The Simpsons, it was like,
355
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:40,448
"I guess they're just
showing R-rated TV shows now."
356
00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:41,950
[laughter]
357
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:47,497
And I don't-- I'm not complaining
about my parents.
358
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:48,790
My parents did a great job.
359
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:52,001
I was just naive
a little bit longer than most kids were.
360
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,753
I thought everybody told the truth.
361
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,464
I didn't know people lied.
I trusted everybody.
362
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:59,467
I found a $20 bill on the ground
once at Walmart
363
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,010
and I-- I turned it in
364
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:03,638
and I asked this guy if he dropped it,
and he said he did.
365
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,723
[laughter]
366
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,937
I was having a sleepover one night.
367
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,940
We're 12 years old,
and so a bunch of 12 year old boys,
368
00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:15,900
we got sleeping bags
in the living room floor.
369
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:17,443
It's a very fun night.
370
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:20,822
At the end of the night,
I did not know they were going to do this.
371
00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:24,575
But at the end of the night, they're like,
"We're going to watch Friday the 13th."
372
00:21:24,659 --> 00:21:27,870
So I stand up in front of them alone,
373
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,873
and I say,
"I don't think I'm allowed to watch this."
374
00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:33,084
[laughter]
375
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:39,007
I expected others to join me.
376
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:41,342
[laughter]
377
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:47,181
When no one joined,
the kid's mom came over to like,
378
00:21:47,265 --> 00:21:49,017
she was just trying
to save me the embarrassment.
379
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,644
She's trying to be sweet
and she goes, "You know what?"
380
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:54,105
She goes, "Maybe just
don't tell your parents about it."
381
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,191
And I said,
"That's going to be pretty hard
382
00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:59,235
because I've already called them
and they're on their way."
383
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,404
[laughter]
384
00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,578
I didn't know
we could lie to these people.
385
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,955
This is the first
I'm hearing that's an option.
386
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:12,707
[laughter]
387
00:22:18,379 --> 00:22:20,131
I don't say the word "sucks."
388
00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:23,301
Like, "This sucks."
I don't because--
389
00:22:23,384 --> 00:22:24,844
that was a very bad word in the '80s.
390
00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:26,804
And look, I'm sorry to say it now.
391
00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:30,183
This is supposed to be a clean show.
I'm bringing this filth into it.
392
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:31,809
[laughter]
393
00:22:35,605 --> 00:22:37,356
That was a very bad word in the '80s.
394
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,858
If you said that word in the '80s,
it was like,
395
00:22:38,941 --> 00:22:41,694
"Well, good luck with drugs
and life in prison."
396
00:22:41,778 --> 00:22:43,404
[laughter]
397
00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:52,580
My dad took us
to see the first Karate Kid
398
00:22:52,663 --> 00:22:57,001
at the movie theater
and they said "sucks" in it.
399
00:22:57,710 --> 00:23:00,213
And right when I heard it,
I looked at my dad and I go,
400
00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,340
"What kind of trash you bringing us to?"
401
00:23:02,423 --> 00:23:04,133
[laughter]
402
00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:10,264
So I still don't say it.
403
00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:15,061
Now, I have a sister
and she is ten years younger than me.
404
00:23:15,478 --> 00:23:18,898
And apparently
was raised by her best friends.
405
00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:20,942
[laughter]
406
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:29,117
She has no fear of them.
407
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,078
I mean, I'm scared
my dad's going to show up tonight.
408
00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,163
[laughter]
409
00:23:35,456 --> 00:23:37,333
She'll tell them they suck to their face.
410
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,794
I mean, just-- and I'm like, mortified.
411
00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:41,963
"You can't talk to them like that."
412
00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:46,843
She does whatever she wants.
She turned 18 and got a tattoo.
413
00:23:46,926 --> 00:23:47,927
And I said, I mean, I was like,
414
00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,762
"Well, you're going to get in
pretty big trouble
415
00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:51,013
when they find that out."
416
00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:54,225
And she goes,
"I'm 18. I can do whatever I want."
417
00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:57,645
I go, "Yeah, well, I'm 28
and I'm still hiding wine,
418
00:23:57,728 --> 00:23:58,938
so I don't think you can."
419
00:23:59,021 --> 00:24:00,523
[laughter]
420
00:24:06,988 --> 00:24:08,114
And she ruined them.
421
00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:10,700
You know, that's the thing
that bothers me the most.
422
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:14,287
She's a bad influence on them.
423
00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:19,292
She got a tattoo.
Then my dad went and got a tattoo.
424
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:23,087
Yeah, I guess he figured
no one's in charge anymore.
425
00:24:23,171 --> 00:24:25,131
[laughter]
426
00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:30,428
I recently found out my mom got a tattoo.
427
00:24:30,511 --> 00:24:33,389
They tried to hide that one from me,
but I found out
428
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:36,976
and... I was livid when I found this out.
429
00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:38,561
[laughter]
430
00:24:38,644 --> 00:24:41,647
I mean, I sat them
all down together and I said,
431
00:24:41,731 --> 00:24:43,649
"I don't think you all
should be hanging out anymore.
432
00:24:43,733 --> 00:24:44,901
How about that?"
433
00:24:44,984 --> 00:24:46,444
[laughter]
434
00:24:46,861 --> 00:24:48,905
"Pardon my language,
but I think it stinks.
435
00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:50,740
What's going on? I think it stinks."
436
00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:52,366
[laughter]
437
00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:57,914
Look, my parents are good people.
438
00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:00,166
They just got
caught up in the wrong crowd.
439
00:25:00,249 --> 00:25:01,918
[laughter]
440
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,465
My parents moved recently.
441
00:25:07,548 --> 00:25:10,426
They wanted to get a home
that had zero-- Whoa, hold on.
442
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:11,719
I always forget to mention it.
443
00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:14,513
Uh, we have a middle brother as well.
444
00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:16,807
-And...
-[laughter]
445
00:25:18,768 --> 00:25:19,894
It's, uh...
446
00:25:20,811 --> 00:25:22,730
[laughter]
447
00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:24,523
It's my fault.
448
00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:28,778
It's hard, though. I mean,
every time I see him, I'm always like...
449
00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:29,862
[exclaims]
450
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,239
[laughter]
451
00:25:31,322 --> 00:25:32,323
What?
452
00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:37,787
Every Christmas we go,
"Who's Derek?"
453
00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:39,372
[laughter]
454
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:40,998
We're like, "Hey."
455
00:25:41,749 --> 00:25:43,459
We would slide it to him.
456
00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,336
[laughter]
457
00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:47,255
[chuckles]
458
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:51,509
Uh, no, our family is super close.
459
00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:56,347
Uh, me and Derek, actually are
the only ones not in the tatted game.
460
00:25:56,430 --> 00:25:58,266
[laughter]
461
00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:03,980
My parents did move, though.
They're getting older, and...
462
00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:05,398
They want to get a home-- Like,
463
00:26:05,773 --> 00:26:07,525
they want to get a home with zero steps.
464
00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:09,610
They're kind of--
they're tired of doing this.
465
00:26:09,694 --> 00:26:11,612
[laughter]
466
00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:16,450
And they're like,
"How do we just slide from here on out?"
467
00:26:16,534 --> 00:26:17,910
[laughter]
468
00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:23,374
So they found a place.
469
00:26:23,457 --> 00:26:26,669
It's got a little backyard,
and so they moved in.
470
00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:29,005
My mom wanted a koi pond.
471
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:32,758
She's kind of finally,
you know, at the age where she wants one.
472
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:34,885
[laughter]
473
00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:38,472
So for Mother's Day, we were like,
"We're going to build it for you."
474
00:26:38,556 --> 00:26:42,059
And so we got all the stuff,
then got shovels,
475
00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:44,312
and we started digging the hole for it.
476
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:46,981
And I don't know
if you've ever dug a hole before,
477
00:26:47,064 --> 00:26:49,608
but it's maybe the hardest thing
you ever do in your life.
478
00:26:49,692 --> 00:26:51,235
[laughter]
479
00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:53,654
You see it on TV and movies,
480
00:26:53,738 --> 00:26:55,906
and it's like,
"I'll just dig this hole real fast."
481
00:26:56,907 --> 00:26:58,242
And then you do it in real life,
482
00:26:58,326 --> 00:27:01,329
it's like "I guess it's all CGI,
because it's impossible."
483
00:27:01,412 --> 00:27:02,830
[laughter]
484
00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:08,044
It's so hard that it made me
realize that this is why
485
00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:09,295
so many people get caught
486
00:27:09,378 --> 00:27:11,464
when they kill someone
with a shallow grave.
487
00:27:11,547 --> 00:27:13,507
[laughter]
488
00:27:14,550 --> 00:27:16,135
That's how hard digging a hole is.
489
00:27:16,218 --> 00:27:19,305
Even if you're digging
the most important hole of your life.
490
00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:20,973
[laughter]
491
00:27:21,932 --> 00:27:25,186
You hit a point of just like, "All right,
that's good enough right there, boys."
492
00:27:25,269 --> 00:27:26,145
[laughter]
493
00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:29,732
"Yeah. Mm. Might be too deep."
494
00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:31,484
[laughter]
495
00:27:32,318 --> 00:27:35,821
Like, "Well, his hand's sticking out,"
you're like, "Put a leaf over it, dude."
496
00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:37,865
[laughter]
497
00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:41,786
"I wouldn't have killed him
if I knew this hole was that hard."
498
00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,412
[laughter]
499
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:51,212
It's so hard that I promise you,
500
00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:53,297
my mom's koi pond is above ground.
501
00:27:53,381 --> 00:27:56,050
[laughter]
502
00:27:57,301 --> 00:27:59,804
We're like, "Let's just go up with it."
You know?
503
00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:07,269
Digging a hole,
that's a young person's game.
504
00:28:09,063 --> 00:28:12,024
I miss being young.
Your 20s are great.
505
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:13,984
You're down for whatever.
506
00:28:14,485 --> 00:28:16,821
Your friends call you.
They're like, "Do you want to go?"
507
00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:19,365
You're like, "I'll go."
You don't even know where you're going.
508
00:28:20,449 --> 00:28:21,784
You're like, "I'll move, dude.
509
00:28:21,867 --> 00:28:24,328
I'll set my apartment on fire.
What do you want to do?"
510
00:28:24,412 --> 00:28:26,288
[laughter]
511
00:28:29,083 --> 00:28:32,294
Your 30s come and you're like,
"Where are we going?"
512
00:28:33,504 --> 00:28:35,923
"How late are they open? Is it loud?"
513
00:28:36,006 --> 00:28:38,300
[laughter]
514
00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:41,011
"I am going to drive separate."
515
00:28:41,303 --> 00:28:43,722
[laughter]
516
00:28:44,306 --> 00:28:46,517
[cheering]
517
00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:55,025
Your 40s, you're like,
"I'm not going."
518
00:28:55,109 --> 00:28:57,319
[laughter]
519
00:28:58,237 --> 00:29:00,322
I'm mad that you thought I would go.
520
00:29:00,406 --> 00:29:01,949
[laughter]
521
00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:06,871
My sister-- so my sister Abigail,
she bought a boat.
522
00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:09,623
Uh, no one's ever told her no in her life.
523
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:11,584
[laughter]
524
00:29:13,002 --> 00:29:14,962
Can she afford a boat? No.
525
00:29:15,045 --> 00:29:16,046
[laughter]
526
00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:18,382
So she bought a boat and a jet ski.
527
00:29:18,466 --> 00:29:21,802
Figured, you're gonna get one repoed,
you might as well do two.
528
00:29:21,886 --> 00:29:23,721
[laughter]
529
00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:29,852
She always wants us
to go on the lake with her,
530
00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:31,562
and I have been,
531
00:29:31,645 --> 00:29:33,564
but I-- I could be getting old.
532
00:29:33,647 --> 00:29:35,316
I don't like lakes.
533
00:29:36,025 --> 00:29:38,694
All right? I'm on--
Like, I wanna go on a pontoon,
534
00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:40,237
a boat that doesn't move.
535
00:29:40,321 --> 00:29:42,072
I mean, her boat, it's just--
536
00:29:42,156 --> 00:29:44,325
It's five hours.
You just sit in the back of it.
537
00:29:44,408 --> 00:29:46,869
[imitates motorboat]
538
00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:48,662
[laughter]
539
00:29:50,164 --> 00:29:52,333
No one can talk. It's just chaos.
540
00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:55,503
I mean, stuff is flying everywhere.
541
00:29:56,629 --> 00:29:59,965
I'm sore for a month.
It's just like, "Is that from the boat?"
542
00:30:00,049 --> 00:30:01,967
[laughter]
543
00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:07,765
There's no rules on the lake.
It's just the Wild West.
544
00:30:08,599 --> 00:30:11,352
Everybody drives as fast as they want.
545
00:30:11,435 --> 00:30:14,438
There's always
sudden turns made out there.
546
00:30:14,522 --> 00:30:17,691
Everybody driving a boat
is either drunk or eleven.
547
00:30:17,775 --> 00:30:19,318
No one's a normal person.
548
00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:20,736
[laughter]
549
00:30:25,241 --> 00:30:26,867
Even getting ready to go out.
550
00:30:26,951 --> 00:30:28,494
You always have to bring stuff.
551
00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:31,080
And so she always tells me to bring ice,
552
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:34,959
and I don't want
to buy ice ever again in my life.
553
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:40,464
It seems dumb, but first of all,
you never get full warning to buy ice.
554
00:30:40,548 --> 00:30:43,259
It's very last minute, very urgent.
555
00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:45,052
It sounds like it's your fault.
556
00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:46,679
[laughter]
557
00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:50,182
You just open the door and it's like,
"Will you go get 50 bags of ice?"
558
00:30:50,266 --> 00:30:51,892
[laughter]
559
00:30:53,811 --> 00:30:56,939
If I don't think you have your ice
figured out, I won't go to your thing.
560
00:30:57,022 --> 00:30:58,315
[laughter]
561
00:30:58,399 --> 00:31:01,318
I mean, if I get a hint
you don't have your ice under control,
562
00:31:01,402 --> 00:31:03,404
I'll turn around in a heartbeat.
563
00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,573
[laughter]
564
00:31:07,491 --> 00:31:11,078
Every time I go buy it, like,
it's never near where you pay for it.
565
00:31:11,745 --> 00:31:14,665
I go into the gas station,
and I'm like, "Where's the ice?"
566
00:31:14,748 --> 00:31:16,125
He's like, "All right..."
567
00:31:16,208 --> 00:31:19,378
[laughter]
568
00:31:21,130 --> 00:31:23,048
"You're going to hop
on this shuttle bus..."
569
00:31:23,132 --> 00:31:25,259
[laughter]
570
00:31:26,510 --> 00:31:27,595
"...and you're going to go do
571
00:31:27,678 --> 00:31:30,139
medicine ball throws
for four to five hours."
572
00:31:30,222 --> 00:31:32,016
[laughter]
573
00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:35,269
And whatever amount of ice
you buy will never be the right amount.
574
00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:40,190
It's either not enough
or the most ice I've ever seen in my life.
575
00:31:42,568 --> 00:31:44,653
And my wife
won't let me just throw it away.
576
00:31:44,737 --> 00:31:46,905
She's like,
"We'll go see if someone needs it."
577
00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:51,910
So now she makes me walk
up to strangers at a gas station
578
00:31:51,994 --> 00:31:54,246
and just be like,
"Anybody need a bag of ice?
579
00:31:54,330 --> 00:31:55,497
Anybody?"
580
00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,082
[laughter]
581
00:31:58,375 --> 00:32:00,878
When you were inside,
I looked in your car and you had a cup,
582
00:32:00,961 --> 00:32:04,465
and I was like, "Pfft,
you want little bag of ice for that cup?"
583
00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:06,342
[laughter]
584
00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:14,808
So being my age. So being 43--
43, you still think you're young.
585
00:32:15,392 --> 00:32:18,312
I have this jacket on, and...
586
00:32:18,395 --> 00:32:20,230
[laughter]
587
00:32:20,314 --> 00:32:21,607
[audience member whoops]
588
00:32:22,316 --> 00:32:23,233
[chuckles]
589
00:32:23,317 --> 00:32:26,278
I'll hang out with a 23 year old.
And I'm like, "You get it, dude.
590
00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:28,864
We're just a couple
of young dudes kicking it."
591
00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:30,407
[laughter]
592
00:32:32,326 --> 00:32:34,536
Some guy will walk up,
he's like, "I'm 45."
593
00:32:34,620 --> 00:32:36,914
I'm like,
"Why don't you beat it, old man?"
594
00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:38,707
[laughter]
595
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:44,463
"I can't believe that guy had the nerve
to think he was our age. Right, dude?
596
00:32:44,546 --> 00:32:47,383
That's crazy.
Let's go sit down for a little bit."
597
00:32:47,466 --> 00:32:49,968
[laughter]
598
00:32:53,722 --> 00:32:56,475
[cheering]
599
00:33:02,106 --> 00:33:05,484
I had to lose weight because
your 40s turn your back on you.
600
00:33:06,777 --> 00:33:11,573
I gave my body the best, most
fun food forever, and now it's the worst.
601
00:33:11,657 --> 00:33:14,868
And I can't-- I mean, it's brutal.
602
00:33:14,952 --> 00:33:18,914
Like, I love-- I love pancakes.
I love them so much.
603
00:33:18,997 --> 00:33:20,708
[laughter]
604
00:33:20,791 --> 00:33:23,001
And they make me so tired.
605
00:33:23,085 --> 00:33:24,920
[laughter]
606
00:33:27,798 --> 00:33:29,758
And I never blame 'em.
I'm always like,
607
00:33:29,842 --> 00:33:31,552
"What is up with me today?"
608
00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:33,512
[laughter]
609
00:33:36,098 --> 00:33:38,475
I can't get it going, you know?
610
00:33:40,185 --> 00:33:43,272
And I'll go to my wife, and I'm like,
"I think we need new pillows."
611
00:33:43,355 --> 00:33:45,566
[laughter]
612
00:33:47,943 --> 00:33:51,405
And she's like, "You think it's that
loaf of bread and syrup you just ate?"
613
00:33:51,488 --> 00:33:53,157
[laughter]
614
00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:58,203
"I doubt it. But..."
615
00:33:58,287 --> 00:33:59,705
[laughter]
616
00:34:02,374 --> 00:34:04,293
Everything I eat, I can tell you
617
00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:07,045
exactly where it's at in my body
once I swallow it.
618
00:34:08,756 --> 00:34:10,841
It'd just be like,
"That's behind my heart.
619
00:34:10,924 --> 00:34:12,092
It's behind my heart."
620
00:34:12,176 --> 00:34:13,677
[laughter]
621
00:34:19,016 --> 00:34:23,520
I love candy. I mean, I love it so much.
And it's...
622
00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:28,484
I... I can't eat it
by the handfuls apparently.
623
00:34:28,650 --> 00:34:32,404
I'm about to eat
the most candy ever after this. But...
624
00:34:32,488 --> 00:34:33,572
[audience whoops]
625
00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:36,909
What I did is, like, I was starting
to eat fruit instead of candy,
626
00:34:36,992 --> 00:34:38,952
and I told someone that,
and they were like,
627
00:34:39,036 --> 00:34:41,705
"You got to be careful with fruit.
There's a lot of sugar in fruit."
628
00:34:41,789 --> 00:34:43,499
[laughter]
629
00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:46,335
I was like, "Well, I'll let you know
when we hit that point."
630
00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,378
[laughter]
631
00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:51,340
You know, it's like,
"Let me meet your fat fruit friends.
632
00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:52,800
I'd love to meet 'em."
633
00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:54,593
[laughter]
634
00:34:54,676 --> 00:34:57,054
"I want to meet your buddy
that can't fit through a door
635
00:34:57,137 --> 00:34:59,556
because he's addicted to pineapple.
Let me see him."
636
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,391
[laughter]
637
00:35:08,941 --> 00:35:10,776
Doctor visits change.
638
00:35:11,693 --> 00:35:12,861
I had to get a physical.
639
00:35:12,945 --> 00:35:15,197
I mean, before 40,
you don't even go inside.
640
00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,990
It's like a drive-in window.
641
00:35:17,449 --> 00:35:20,452
You just move your neck,
and he's like, "Come on, dude.
642
00:35:20,536 --> 00:35:22,287
You're wasting
everybody's time, all right?"
643
00:35:22,371 --> 00:35:23,956
[laughter]
644
00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:25,791
"Why don't you go live a life?
645
00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:30,003
Take some chances, take your
seat boat off and drive a little faster.
646
00:35:30,087 --> 00:35:31,588
[laughter]
647
00:35:34,466 --> 00:35:36,385
Then you pass 40, and the doctor is like,
648
00:35:36,468 --> 00:35:38,428
"You mind shutting that door behind you?"
649
00:35:38,512 --> 00:35:40,430
[laughter]
650
00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:45,519
"I'd lock it.
We're about to get after it in here."
651
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:47,563
[laughter]
652
00:35:52,818 --> 00:35:56,154
It was the first time
I've ever been talked to old.
653
00:35:57,823 --> 00:35:59,491
It was just me and the doctor.
654
00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:02,911
And he looks at me, and he just goes,
"Do you pee a lot at night?"
655
00:36:02,995 --> 00:36:05,289
[laughter]
656
00:36:06,331 --> 00:36:09,835
And I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
Did my dad just walk in the room?"
657
00:36:09,918 --> 00:36:11,169
[laughter]
658
00:36:11,253 --> 00:36:13,130
How old do you think I am?
659
00:36:13,213 --> 00:36:16,425
I've never peed at night in my life.
How about that?
660
00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:19,928
When the sun goes down,
I don't pee until I see it again."
661
00:36:20,012 --> 00:36:22,598
[laughter]
662
00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:26,018
"But since you brought it up,
What is a lot? What is a big amount?"
663
00:36:26,101 --> 00:36:28,353
[laughter]
664
00:36:33,984 --> 00:36:37,946
I like, my doctor. Uh, the one thing
that drives me crazy--
665
00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:41,867
Every time I go, uh,
I have to fill the same form out.
666
00:36:42,451 --> 00:36:45,537
And I'm like,
"What are you all doing with this form?"
667
00:36:45,621 --> 00:36:47,331
[laughter]
668
00:36:47,414 --> 00:36:49,541
Last time I said, "Let me take it home.
669
00:36:49,625 --> 00:36:53,503
I'll take it. I don't know if you all have
a fire here every night..."
670
00:36:53,587 --> 00:36:55,547
[laughter]
671
00:37:00,302 --> 00:37:03,931
I don't know any of the answers,
and they're about my body.
672
00:37:04,014 --> 00:37:05,766
[laughter]
673
00:37:05,849 --> 00:37:09,269
I have to call my wife
and go through them. I'm like,
674
00:37:09,353 --> 00:37:10,938
"Have I had surgery before?"
675
00:37:11,021 --> 00:37:13,023
[laughter]
676
00:37:14,983 --> 00:37:17,694
They always ask
what your family medical history is.
677
00:37:17,778 --> 00:37:19,488
Where am I finding that out?
678
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,991
You think I'm just at home at Christmas,
679
00:37:23,075 --> 00:37:24,785
I'm like, all right, "Who's got diabetes?"
680
00:37:24,868 --> 00:37:26,954
[laughter]
681
00:37:28,038 --> 00:37:30,457
"Come on, now.
Got a physical coming up."
682
00:37:30,540 --> 00:37:32,167
[laughter]
683
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,586
"How many heart attacks
we got in the room?"
684
00:37:34,670 --> 00:37:36,421
[laughter]
685
00:37:39,591 --> 00:37:42,177
My wife and I, we have,
uh, we have one daughter.
686
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,264
We had a kid a little bit late,
so we got her in right under the buzzer.
687
00:37:47,766 --> 00:37:50,978
She's an only child.
She gets a lot of attention.
688
00:37:51,061 --> 00:37:53,146
It's more attention
than I'm getting right now.
689
00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:54,982
[laughter]
690
00:37:55,065 --> 00:37:56,900
It's just me and her mom all day.
691
00:37:56,984 --> 00:37:58,360
And we're like, "Hello.
692
00:37:59,111 --> 00:38:01,905
We love you so much,
and you're all we got."
693
00:38:02,948 --> 00:38:06,868
She's going to be 45 and we're like,
"Just let us live with you. Let us."
694
00:38:06,952 --> 00:38:08,537
[laughter]
695
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:13,959
I love having a girl. A girl world
is the only world that I know.
696
00:38:14,042 --> 00:38:16,169
-[cheering]
-And...
697
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:19,798
When you only know one world,
the other world is like,
698
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,258
like, you're like,
"I don't understand it."
699
00:38:21,341 --> 00:38:22,801
It like, it gets-- it's wild.
700
00:38:22,884 --> 00:38:25,721
Like, she plays with her friends.
It's quiet. It's fun.
701
00:38:25,804 --> 00:38:27,681
My buddy wanted me
to watch his son.
702
00:38:27,764 --> 00:38:32,310
He watched my daughter one time,
which I learned is not a fair trade.
703
00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:34,396
[laughter]
704
00:38:34,479 --> 00:38:37,899
I should get eight watches
to his one watch.
705
00:38:37,983 --> 00:38:40,318
[laughter]
706
00:38:40,402 --> 00:38:45,198
I handed over a princess,
he just throws a bobcat in my house.
707
00:38:45,282 --> 00:38:47,159
[laughter]
708
00:38:51,413 --> 00:38:52,706
I lose him immediately,
709
00:38:52,789 --> 00:38:55,333
he's like, under the deck,
chewing on wires.
710
00:38:55,417 --> 00:38:56,918
[laughter]
711
00:38:57,002 --> 00:38:58,420
I had to wrestle him down.
712
00:38:58,503 --> 00:39:00,047
I was like,
"Why don't you walk him on a leash
713
00:39:00,130 --> 00:39:02,007
before you bring them over next time?"
714
00:39:02,090 --> 00:39:03,633
[laughter]
715
00:39:06,595 --> 00:39:07,637
My wife does very good.
716
00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:11,600
My wife, uh, she teaches our daughter
how to do a lot of stuff.
717
00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,894
My wife is the man of our house.
718
00:39:15,562 --> 00:39:18,648
And it can become hard because
she'll hire someone to fix something.
719
00:39:18,732 --> 00:39:20,358
And they always come talk to me.
720
00:39:20,442 --> 00:39:23,111
I just think they're used to
talking to husbands,
721
00:39:23,195 --> 00:39:25,947
and they come to me, and I'm like,
"I don't know why you're here."
722
00:39:26,031 --> 00:39:28,033
[laughter]
723
00:39:28,658 --> 00:39:30,035
[audience member whoops]
724
00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:35,832
We had our water heater-- Something.
I don't know, but...
725
00:39:35,916 --> 00:39:37,501
[laughter]
726
00:39:39,419 --> 00:39:42,756
I walked by at the wrong time,
now I'm in a water heater conversation.
727
00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:45,133
[laughter]
728
00:39:45,217 --> 00:39:48,136
And I'm like, "Yeah, well,
tough time for water heaters.
729
00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:49,596
You know, like, just..."
730
00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:50,972
[laughter]
731
00:39:53,517 --> 00:39:54,893
Well, finally, you know, he's like,
732
00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:56,144
"Where's the water heater at?"
733
00:39:56,228 --> 00:39:57,354
And I was like, "I don't know."
734
00:39:57,437 --> 00:39:58,438
You're like, "I don't--"
You're like...
735
00:39:58,522 --> 00:39:59,523
[laughter]
736
00:39:59,606 --> 00:40:02,150
"I don't think we have one, to be honest.
737
00:40:03,193 --> 00:40:05,695
And we would like
to buy one from you today."
738
00:40:05,779 --> 00:40:07,239
[laughter]
739
00:40:11,201 --> 00:40:14,162
"So if we could go out to your truck,
I would love to pick one out."
740
00:40:14,246 --> 00:40:16,081
[laughter]
741
00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:22,087
And he was very confused by this.
He didn't know what to say.
742
00:40:22,170 --> 00:40:23,922
But, you know, it's a new time,
743
00:40:24,005 --> 00:40:26,007
so he was like,
"Is your husband here by any chance?"
744
00:40:26,091 --> 00:40:28,510
[laughter]
745
00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:30,762
[cheering]
746
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,645
I said, "Yeah,
she's around here somewhere."
747
00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:40,230
[laughter]
748
00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:43,984
"She's probably in the shed."
749
00:40:44,067 --> 00:40:46,027
[laughter]
750
00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:51,950
The guy that we have
that mows our yard is my wife.
751
00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:55,245
[laughter]
752
00:40:57,706 --> 00:40:59,082
[chuckles] "It's...
753
00:40:59,958 --> 00:41:02,294
It's free, which is nice.
754
00:41:03,420 --> 00:41:05,922
I don't care for the tone it is mowed in."
755
00:41:06,006 --> 00:41:08,049
[laughter]
756
00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:17,475
She wanted to mow it,
and I was like, "Look, that's fine,
757
00:41:18,018 --> 00:41:22,022
but I want you to go tell every neighbor
that you choose to do this."
758
00:41:22,105 --> 00:41:24,232
[laughter]
759
00:41:27,277 --> 00:41:28,987
I don't want to always
be getting stopped like,
760
00:41:29,070 --> 00:41:31,281
"You're the guy
that makes his wife mow the yard!"
761
00:41:31,364 --> 00:41:33,116
[laughter]
762
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:35,577
I'm like, "Yeah,
I got my mom on the roof right now."
763
00:41:35,660 --> 00:41:37,579
[laughter]
764
00:41:44,794 --> 00:41:48,715
We had-- we had an eagle,
built a nest in our backyard.
765
00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:51,176
And if you ever have that happen,
just so you know,
766
00:41:51,259 --> 00:41:53,136
the eagle owns your land.
767
00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:54,763
[laughter]
768
00:41:54,846 --> 00:41:57,057
You can't do anything.
You can't bother it.
769
00:41:57,140 --> 00:41:58,600
Like, you can't disturb it.
770
00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:02,312
You got to be like, "Do you mind if we
come out to the yard that we pay for?"
771
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:06,942
And if the eagles not feeling it,
you got to go back inside.
772
00:42:07,025 --> 00:42:08,485
[laughter]
773
00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,613
Can't kill it. You go to jail for life.
774
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:16,785
We celebrate eagles in this country,
and it's gone to their head.
775
00:42:16,868 --> 00:42:18,912
[laughter]
776
00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:24,292
I had to look it up because I thought,
"Well, I don't want to get in trouble."
777
00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:26,044
So I looked it up on the internet.
778
00:42:26,127 --> 00:42:31,675
Now, when I look stuff up on the internet,
I never know how to properly phrase it,
779
00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:33,718
like, to get the real answer.
780
00:42:34,594 --> 00:42:37,514
So I think there's two internets,
and I don't think
781
00:42:37,597 --> 00:42:39,266
I've ever seen the real internet.
782
00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:43,311
I think they go down
how you ask the question,
783
00:42:43,395 --> 00:42:45,105
they send you down a dumb internet.
784
00:42:45,188 --> 00:42:47,899
[laughter]
785
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,987
So I typed in, I was like,
"What are these laws with these eagles?"
786
00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:53,947
[laughter]
787
00:42:58,201 --> 00:43:00,370
And they're like,
"He can't handle the truth.
788
00:43:01,997 --> 00:43:03,748
Send him down the circus internet."
789
00:43:03,832 --> 00:43:05,709
[laughter]
790
00:43:09,546 --> 00:43:11,172
So when you Google something,
791
00:43:11,256 --> 00:43:14,384
usually the link
that has the answer on it,
792
00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:16,720
it's always, like, right above or near
793
00:43:16,803 --> 00:43:19,472
where the people also ask questions.
794
00:43:19,556 --> 00:43:21,683
And that's where they keep you dumb.
795
00:43:22,475 --> 00:43:26,146
And I try not to look at them because
they're hard for me to avoid--
796
00:43:26,229 --> 00:43:27,147
I love them.
797
00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:29,274
So I Google-- I put my hand right here,
798
00:43:31,443 --> 00:43:33,361
And I'm like, "Don't look down there."
799
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:39,451
But if I see one of them,
I'm like, "What is that about, though?"
800
00:43:42,454 --> 00:43:44,956
So I don't know the laws of eagles.
801
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,751
Like, the first question I saw said,
802
00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:51,004
"What happens if I accidentally
hit an eagle with my car?"
803
00:43:51,087 --> 00:43:53,340
[laughter]
804
00:43:53,423 --> 00:43:57,635
He worded that as if a lot
of people are accusing of him
805
00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:00,555
on purpose hitting an eagle with this car.
806
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:02,307
[laughter]
807
00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:06,269
The question I got hung up in the most,
808
00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:10,815
It said, "Is it a good sign
if an eagle touches your head?"
809
00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:13,735
[laughter]
810
00:44:15,487 --> 00:44:19,240
And I was like, "Dude,
are eagles touching people's heads?"
811
00:44:19,324 --> 00:44:20,867
[laughter]
812
00:44:20,950 --> 00:44:23,453
That sounds like an amazing sign,
813
00:44:23,536 --> 00:44:25,997
and I think it means you're chosen.
814
00:44:26,081 --> 00:44:27,540
[laughter]
815
00:44:29,209 --> 00:44:33,088
So I looked at the answer
and was surprised to read,
816
00:44:33,171 --> 00:44:34,756
"You're lucky to be alive."
817
00:44:34,839 --> 00:44:37,008
[laughter]
818
00:44:40,637 --> 00:44:43,431
Eagles apparently are
not-- not touching people's heads.
819
00:44:43,515 --> 00:44:45,683
Like, I just thought they were.
820
00:44:48,478 --> 00:44:49,938
So I looked into it because I was like,
821
00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:51,731
"Well, why are people
asking this question?"
822
00:44:51,815 --> 00:44:54,859
And eagles have touched people's heads.
823
00:44:55,652 --> 00:45:00,115
So what happens is and I--
this is a little good bad news,
824
00:45:01,324 --> 00:45:03,618
This happens mainly to bald men.
825
00:45:04,744 --> 00:45:06,621
And by mainly, I mean only.
826
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,957
[laughter]
827
00:45:10,417 --> 00:45:14,212
So if an eagle has got a turtle
in its, like, mouth,
828
00:45:14,295 --> 00:45:16,089
and wants to break it on the--
829
00:45:16,172 --> 00:45:18,383
It wants to break it on a rock to eat it.
830
00:45:19,092 --> 00:45:22,554
So they see your bald head
and they think that's a rock.
831
00:45:22,637 --> 00:45:24,305
[laughter]
832
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:26,391
That's crazy. It's crazy, dude.
833
00:45:26,474 --> 00:45:28,184
And look, you got a lot on your plate.
834
00:45:28,268 --> 00:45:29,769
I'm not trying to put more on it.
835
00:45:29,853 --> 00:45:31,980
[laughter]
836
00:45:34,107 --> 00:45:35,692
But you should be aware of this.
837
00:45:36,568 --> 00:45:38,153
If you're like, "What are the odds?"
838
00:45:38,236 --> 00:45:40,947
100% it's not going to not happen. So...
839
00:45:41,030 --> 00:45:42,615
[laughter]
840
00:45:43,450 --> 00:45:46,536
Ask questions.
If someone's like, "Let's take a walk."
841
00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:48,872
Be like, "Well, what's
the eagle situation like today?
842
00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:50,665
[laughter]
843
00:45:51,082 --> 00:45:53,334
"Are they low to the ground?
Are they swooping?"
844
00:45:53,418 --> 00:45:55,044
[laughter]
845
00:45:56,629 --> 00:45:58,756
Finally, the eagle left.
846
00:45:59,174 --> 00:46:01,593
We had to, like,
do some work in our backyard,
847
00:46:01,676 --> 00:46:03,344
so we hired a contractor.
848
00:46:03,428 --> 00:46:06,848
And being a contractor,
that's a great job to have.
849
00:46:07,515 --> 00:46:10,602
Because you can just
ruin someone's life and leave.
850
00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:12,896
[laughter]
851
00:46:14,147 --> 00:46:16,858
They took part of our fence down
and put a Porta-John
852
00:46:16,941 --> 00:46:18,943
in the driveway and left for one month.
853
00:46:19,027 --> 00:46:20,778
[laughter]
854
00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:24,824
It looked like
that's what I was having done.
855
00:46:24,908 --> 00:46:26,951
[laughter]
856
00:46:29,704 --> 00:46:32,790
I called a company and I was like,
"I don't like, um, my fence,
857
00:46:32,874 --> 00:46:34,876
and I like to pee in the driveway.
Do you all do that?"
858
00:46:34,959 --> 00:46:36,628
[laughter]
859
00:46:37,378 --> 00:46:39,839
And they said,
"That's the main thing that we do."
860
00:46:39,923 --> 00:46:41,466
[laughter]
861
00:46:42,425 --> 00:46:44,302
So we have to walk our dog now.
862
00:46:44,385 --> 00:46:46,721
And our dog is always,
like, pulling us on the leash.
863
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,264
She's always, like, yanking us.
864
00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:50,266
And my neighbor's dog doesn't do that.
865
00:46:50,350 --> 00:46:52,101
It always, like, walks right next to him.
866
00:46:52,185 --> 00:46:53,311
And I asked him, I was like,
867
00:46:53,394 --> 00:46:55,688
"How'd you get your dog
to walk next to you like that?"
868
00:46:55,772 --> 00:46:58,316
And he said,
"We bought one of those choke collars,"
869
00:46:58,566 --> 00:47:01,027
those things that stabs the dog's neck.
870
00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:04,572
And I was like, "Golly, dude." Uh...
871
00:47:04,656 --> 00:47:06,658
"All right, so if I don't have that,
872
00:47:06,741 --> 00:47:09,077
should I just hold
a machete under her throat?"
873
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,912
[laughter]
874
00:47:10,995 --> 00:47:13,206
"Like a hostage situation?"
875
00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,877
I said, "Good night, man." Uh...
876
00:47:17,961 --> 00:47:19,504
"How'd you all potty train him?
877
00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,924
Did you buy two dogs
and the first one that peed,
878
00:47:23,007 --> 00:47:24,884
you just shot it
in front of the other one?"
879
00:47:24,968 --> 00:47:26,469
[laughter]
880
00:47:30,390 --> 00:47:33,142
So as-- as a comedian,
881
00:47:33,226 --> 00:47:36,104
my hours, like, I stay up
very late into the night.
882
00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:38,147
I sleep late into the day.
883
00:47:38,231 --> 00:47:40,525
I try to wake up
with a ten in front of it.
884
00:47:40,608 --> 00:47:41,818
I root for it.
885
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:47,031
When you sleep late into the day,
your day-- you open your eyes,
886
00:47:47,115 --> 00:47:48,575
your day is just going.
887
00:47:49,033 --> 00:47:51,035
My friends that get up,
like, five in the morning,
888
00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:53,371
they're like,
"It's so peaceful and quiet."
889
00:47:53,454 --> 00:47:56,624
Right when my eyes open,
it's like "Everything's happening now!"
890
00:47:56,708 --> 00:47:58,501
[laughter]
891
00:48:00,712 --> 00:48:04,674
If I ever come meet you at noon,
just know I set my alarm
892
00:48:04,757 --> 00:48:06,801
and I will be coming in pretty hot.
893
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:08,886
[laughter]
894
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:14,058
So everybody in our family,
you know,
895
00:48:14,142 --> 00:48:16,227
everybody's got bedtime routines
in their family,
896
00:48:16,311 --> 00:48:20,440
so our family, we try to send our daughter
to bed, like 9:00, 9:30,
897
00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:21,858
something like that.
898
00:48:21,941 --> 00:48:24,027
And then me and my wife
can watch TV, whatever.
899
00:48:24,110 --> 00:48:25,778
My wife, we usually start falling asleep.
900
00:48:25,862 --> 00:48:27,447
She'll go to bed, like, 11:30.
901
00:48:27,822 --> 00:48:29,824
And then I'll lay--
I'll sit out there and I watch TV
902
00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:31,492
till, like, two or something.
903
00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:33,870
Sometimes my wife, she'll go to bed,
904
00:48:33,953 --> 00:48:35,663
and then she comes back with a blanket
905
00:48:35,747 --> 00:48:38,041
and she lays next to me and she's like,
906
00:48:38,124 --> 00:48:39,709
"Well, I'm going to just sleep out here,
907
00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:42,211
and I'll go to bed when you go to bed."
908
00:48:42,295 --> 00:48:44,380
And I don't care for that at all.
909
00:48:44,464 --> 00:48:46,507
-You know what I mean?
-[laughter]
910
00:48:56,768 --> 00:48:58,895
"It's like you already promised
to go to bed,
911
00:48:58,978 --> 00:49:00,938
and I got pretty excited, so I don't..."
912
00:49:01,022 --> 00:49:02,732
[laughter]
913
00:49:02,815 --> 00:49:05,234
[audience member cheers]
914
00:49:08,446 --> 00:49:10,323
I think that's
the hardest part of marriage.
915
00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:11,574
How do you say that nicely?
916
00:49:12,533 --> 00:49:14,327
How do you tell the most important--
917
00:49:14,410 --> 00:49:16,621
the person that
you love more than life itself--
918
00:49:16,704 --> 00:49:19,499
How do you say,
"Hey, out of all the people on Earth,
919
00:49:19,582 --> 00:49:22,460
you're the only one
I don't want near me right now"?
920
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:24,504
[laughter]
921
00:49:30,510 --> 00:49:32,220
There's a-- Look, there's a lot of stuff
922
00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:35,139
I'm not allowed to do near her as well.
923
00:49:35,223 --> 00:49:38,434
If I snore,
she hits me with a closed fist.
924
00:49:38,518 --> 00:49:40,395
[laughter]
925
00:49:40,478 --> 00:49:42,730
Those nudging days are long gone.
926
00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,524
[laughter]
927
00:49:46,943 --> 00:49:50,530
Every birthday I have, she just tells me
what she was going to buy me,
928
00:49:50,613 --> 00:49:51,948
never buys it.
929
00:49:52,031 --> 00:49:53,616
[laughter]
930
00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:57,787
I've almost had some pretty awesome stuff.
931
00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:59,747
[laughter]
932
00:50:04,794 --> 00:50:07,171
I'm not allowed to eat near her.
933
00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:10,007
I guess I'd chew louder
than a lot of humans,
934
00:50:10,717 --> 00:50:12,885
and she has the hearing of an owl.
935
00:50:12,969 --> 00:50:14,721
[laughter]
936
00:50:14,804 --> 00:50:19,267
If we eat meat, I got to eat it
in the yard like a lion at the zoo.
937
00:50:19,350 --> 00:50:20,768
[laughter]
938
00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:23,604
"Did you like that gum?
I heard you pull up in the driveway.
939
00:50:23,688 --> 00:50:25,022
Chomping away."
940
00:50:25,106 --> 00:50:27,024
[audience member whoops]
941
00:50:27,108 --> 00:50:30,194
God forbid I want cereal,
I got to make sure she's underwater.
942
00:50:30,278 --> 00:50:32,447
[laughter]
943
00:50:34,365 --> 00:50:37,285
We used to watch
that show The Amazing Race together.
944
00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:40,329
And she was always like,
"Oh, we should do that."
945
00:50:41,330 --> 00:50:45,376
And I told her, I said, "Look, if you want
to get divorced on live TV, let's do it."
946
00:50:45,460 --> 00:50:47,378
[laughter]
947
00:50:49,714 --> 00:50:52,967
I don't think we'd make it
from our house to the local airport.
948
00:50:53,050 --> 00:50:55,178
[laughter]
949
00:50:58,389 --> 00:51:01,559
We're not the couple to survive that.
We can do a lot of stuff good.
950
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,144
That's not one of our strengths.
951
00:51:03,978 --> 00:51:05,688
And I've seen a glimpse of it.
952
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:08,232
So we went to golf recently.
953
00:51:08,316 --> 00:51:10,943
I love to golf,
and I do love when she goes.
954
00:51:11,027 --> 00:51:13,863
When you love something, you want
your spouse to come do it with you.
955
00:51:13,946 --> 00:51:15,031
So we go play golf.
956
00:51:15,114 --> 00:51:20,536
And I'm sure everybody knows this,
but in golf, tee times are very specific.
957
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:24,457
It's 1:56, it's 2:04, 2:13.
958
00:51:24,540 --> 00:51:28,211
These are the times. I didn't make it up.
This is what they do.
959
00:51:28,294 --> 00:51:29,212
[laughter]
960
00:51:29,295 --> 00:51:32,965
Our tee time is 1:56,
and we're driving to the first tee.
961
00:51:33,049 --> 00:51:37,303
It's 1:55. She goes, "I need to go to
the bathroom and get something to drink."
962
00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:40,431
I tell her, "That is too bad."
963
00:51:40,515 --> 00:51:42,141
[laughter]
964
00:51:42,225 --> 00:51:44,936
I said, "We tee off in 15 seconds."
965
00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:46,979
[laughter]
966
00:51:48,272 --> 00:51:49,899
And she said, "I thought it was two-ish."
967
00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:52,151
I go,
"Well, you made that up on your own."
968
00:51:52,235 --> 00:51:54,487
[laughter]
969
00:51:56,322 --> 00:51:59,033
This is the most
rule-following place on Earth.
970
00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:00,701
[laughter]
971
00:52:00,785 --> 00:52:03,871
She says, "I'm still going to go,"
and I was like, "All right, whatever."
972
00:52:04,163 --> 00:52:06,541
I'm not trying to start a fight
before we get going.
973
00:52:06,624 --> 00:52:10,920
So I get out of the golf cart,
and I grab my driver and one golf ball,
974
00:52:11,003 --> 00:52:13,297
And I was like,
"Go do whatever you got to go do.
975
00:52:13,381 --> 00:52:15,550
But I need to tee off so we're on time.
976
00:52:15,633 --> 00:52:16,884
So I'm going to tee off
977
00:52:16,968 --> 00:52:19,929
and just meet me in the fairway
for my second shot."
978
00:52:20,012 --> 00:52:22,139
And she's not
going to play every hole anyway.
979
00:52:22,223 --> 00:52:24,016
So I'm, like, pointing at the fairway.
980
00:52:24,100 --> 00:52:26,269
And-- So she drives off,
981
00:52:26,352 --> 00:52:29,772
and I go up to the first tee.
There's these old men there.
982
00:52:29,856 --> 00:52:32,984
Now, they don't tee off till tomorrow,
but they like to get there early.
983
00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:35,486
[laughter]
984
00:52:37,613 --> 00:52:39,282
So I got a group watching.
985
00:52:39,907 --> 00:52:43,202
I tee off. It's a good shot.
Goes in the fairway, not a big deal.
986
00:52:43,286 --> 00:52:44,871
A lot of people do that.
987
00:52:45,621 --> 00:52:49,417
I tee off, then play four holes
alone with my driver.
988
00:52:49,500 --> 00:52:52,295
[laughter]
989
00:53:00,678 --> 00:53:02,930
Do you know how
big of a psycho you look like...?
990
00:53:03,014 --> 00:53:05,224
[laughter]
991
00:53:05,308 --> 00:53:08,978
...when you go hit every single golf shot
992
00:53:09,061 --> 00:53:12,064
with the least versatile club in the bag?
993
00:53:12,148 --> 00:53:14,066
[laughter]
994
00:53:14,150 --> 00:53:16,319
Those old men were like,
"What's he doing?"
995
00:53:16,402 --> 00:53:17,528
[laughter]
996
00:53:17,612 --> 00:53:20,698
As they watch me line drive
my second shot.
997
00:53:23,034 --> 00:53:25,036
I chipped with that driver.
998
00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:26,203
[laughter]
999
00:53:26,287 --> 00:53:30,124
Very luckily,
seven-putted with that same driver.
1000
00:53:31,500 --> 00:53:33,502
[applause]
1001
00:53:33,586 --> 00:53:35,504
[whistling]
1002
00:53:36,505 --> 00:53:40,718
She finally showed up,
and she was laughing.
1003
00:53:41,636 --> 00:53:44,555
I wasn't as thrilled
as she thought I should be.
1004
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:46,265
[laughter]
1005
00:53:47,016 --> 00:53:48,142
I did tell her. I was like,
1006
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:50,436
"I think I want to
tell this story on stage."
1007
00:53:51,020 --> 00:53:54,148
And so people always ask
about, like, the stories I tell about her.
1008
00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:56,150
And-- She knows every story I say.
1009
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:59,028
I would never tell stories
she didn't want me to say.
1010
00:53:59,362 --> 00:54:02,490
But this one, she goes,
"At least tell my side of it."
1011
00:54:02,573 --> 00:54:04,450
[laughter]
1012
00:54:04,533 --> 00:54:07,078
And I was like,
this is the only one that I am.
1013
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:12,083
You made your husband
play four holes alone with this driver.
1014
00:54:12,792 --> 00:54:15,336
You got out of the bathroom,
forgot how Earth worked,
1015
00:54:15,419 --> 00:54:17,171
and drove the wrong way for an hour.
1016
00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:19,256
[laughter]
1017
00:54:22,343 --> 00:54:24,804
I had to play par three with a driver.
1018
00:54:25,805 --> 00:54:28,516
You know how far you got
to choke down on the driver?
1019
00:54:29,308 --> 00:54:32,436
I had just the head in my hand,
just hittin' it.
1020
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:34,397
[laughter]
1021
00:54:38,734 --> 00:54:42,738
Everybody thought I was a guy with a metal
detector out there just walking around.
1022
00:54:42,822 --> 00:54:44,699
[laughter]
1023
00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:48,411
She always tells me I don't listen.
1024
00:54:48,494 --> 00:54:51,414
She's like,
"You don't listen. You never listen."
1025
00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:54,583
I-I've heard that every time. But...
1026
00:54:54,667 --> 00:54:56,711
[laughter]
1027
00:54:58,963 --> 00:55:00,381
It's the other stuff.
1028
00:55:02,758 --> 00:55:05,761
And I don't-- I don't think
I listen to everything.
1029
00:55:05,845 --> 00:55:09,432
But I also don't think she
says everything she thinks she says.
1030
00:55:09,515 --> 00:55:11,267
[laughter]
1031
00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:14,020
There's just no way.
1032
00:55:14,979 --> 00:55:18,649
Seventeen years of marriage.
You're battin' a thousand, I'm oh-fer?
1033
00:55:18,733 --> 00:55:20,276
I've never heard anything?
1034
00:55:20,359 --> 00:55:21,819
[laughter]
1035
00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:27,408
She might say it all in her mind,
1036
00:55:27,491 --> 00:55:30,828
but, I mean, not everything
makes it out of that maze up there.
1037
00:55:30,911 --> 00:55:32,580
[laughter]
1038
00:55:35,041 --> 00:55:39,920
She started selling stuff, uh, online,
on Facebook Marketplace.
1039
00:55:40,421 --> 00:55:44,258
And I found this out
from a guy at my front door.
1040
00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:46,761
[laughter]
1041
00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:53,142
I don't even really know what it is.
1042
00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:56,395
I think it's just putting your
home address on the open internet.
1043
00:55:58,856 --> 00:56:00,691
She doesn't sell used cars.
1044
00:56:00,775 --> 00:56:03,152
There's not like big money coming in.
1045
00:56:03,235 --> 00:56:05,654
She sells stuff
that should be thrown away.
1046
00:56:07,156 --> 00:56:11,869
She sold an old kids'
folding chair for $5.
1047
00:56:13,245 --> 00:56:17,500
Best case scenario, we receive $5.
1048
00:56:21,087 --> 00:56:24,715
Worst case, our whole family is murdered.
1049
00:56:24,799 --> 00:56:26,592
[laughter]
1050
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:38,521
But if the stars align and it goes
as great as she could hope it to go,
1051
00:56:39,563 --> 00:56:42,233
we receive $5.
1052
00:56:47,029 --> 00:56:49,698
She wanted to get
our front door refinished.
1053
00:56:49,782 --> 00:56:51,242
I don't even know what that means,
1054
00:56:51,826 --> 00:56:55,162
but it's a two-year-old home,
so I'm sure it was time for it.
1055
00:56:55,246 --> 00:56:57,498
[laughter]
1056
00:56:59,125 --> 00:57:03,003
She gets all this set up
and I do not know this is happening.
1057
00:57:03,087 --> 00:57:06,841
So the day the guys come over,
they ring the doorbell and she's gone.
1058
00:57:06,924 --> 00:57:08,467
And I'm home alone.
1059
00:57:08,551 --> 00:57:12,388
And they ring it at like 9:00 a.m.,
which for me, is like five in the morning.
1060
00:57:12,471 --> 00:57:14,390
I mean, I am dead asleep,
1061
00:57:15,641 --> 00:57:18,269
but I know I'm too old
to be asleep that late,
1062
00:57:18,352 --> 00:57:20,563
so I got to go look like a regular guy.
1063
00:57:21,313 --> 00:57:23,440
So I go put a suit on real fast.
1064
00:57:23,524 --> 00:57:25,317
[laughter]
1065
00:57:28,195 --> 00:57:31,490
I'm going to the door, trying to
look away, like, I haven't talked yet.
1066
00:57:31,574 --> 00:57:33,534
You know, my voice is awful.
1067
00:57:33,617 --> 00:57:34,994
I'm like, [grunts] hello.
1068
00:57:35,077 --> 00:57:38,664
[grunting] Hello... Hello... Hello...
1069
00:57:44,712 --> 00:57:46,714
I opened the door and I was like, "Hi."
1070
00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:48,382
[laughter]
1071
00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:50,217
And they were like, "Did we wake you up?"
1072
00:57:50,301 --> 00:57:52,303
And I was like,
"I've been awake, actually.
1073
00:57:53,137 --> 00:57:55,472
My fax machine is going crazy.
1074
00:57:58,142 --> 00:58:01,270
I've already voted. I vote every day."
1075
00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:06,025
He goes,
"Well, we're here to refinish the door.
1076
00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:10,487
And I was like,
"Okay, uh, half the door is out there,
1077
00:58:10,571 --> 00:58:12,865
so let me know when you would
like on this side."
1078
00:58:12,948 --> 00:58:14,909
[laughter]
1079
00:58:20,539 --> 00:58:25,211
And he goes, "Well, we have to
actually take the front door with us."
1080
00:58:27,129 --> 00:58:28,714
And I was...
1081
00:58:31,342 --> 00:58:32,509
It's like, "Oh."
1082
00:58:34,220 --> 00:58:36,555
I've been awake for 45 seconds.
1083
00:58:36,639 --> 00:58:38,641
[laughter]
1084
00:58:42,102 --> 00:58:45,940
And now have to decide
do I give a man I've never seen...
1085
00:58:46,023 --> 00:58:48,025
[laughter]
1086
00:58:48,984 --> 00:58:52,780
...what I believe is the
absolute most crucial part of our home.
1087
00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:54,782
[laughter]
1088
00:58:58,285 --> 00:59:03,123
So I gave it to him. He took it.
Yeah. I thought, "I hope she wanted this."
1089
00:59:03,958 --> 00:59:06,877
She better not come home
and be like, "Where's the door?
1090
00:59:07,878 --> 00:59:10,631
Why do you have a suit on
and where's the door?"
1091
00:59:11,799 --> 00:59:13,926
Phoenix, thank you so much for coming out.
1092
00:59:14,009 --> 00:59:15,511
[cheering]
1093
00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:18,639
It means the absolute world
that you guys show up
1094
00:59:18,722 --> 00:59:20,432
and none of that's lost on me.
1095
00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:21,809
I'm truly grateful. Thank you.
1096
00:59:21,892 --> 00:59:23,769
[cheering]
1097
00:59:23,852 --> 00:59:26,146
(happy music playing)
1098
00:59:26,689 --> 00:59:29,483
♪ I'ma sing my soul ♪
1099
00:59:30,317 --> 00:59:34,947
♪ I'ma sing my soulI'ma sing my soul ♪
1100
00:59:35,030 --> 00:59:37,283
♪ Yeah ♪
1101
00:59:44,331 --> 00:59:47,835
♪ I'ma sing my soulI'ma sing my soul ♪
1102
00:59:50,296 --> 00:59:52,214
♪ I'm all right ♪
1103
00:59:52,298 --> 00:59:55,509
♪ Would you say youDepend on the weather? ♪
1104
00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:57,428
♪ My sunshine ♪
1105
00:59:57,511 --> 01:00:00,556
♪ Is a buzz and a lightI'll be singing out ♪
1106
01:00:00,639 --> 01:00:04,977
♪ know it's hard to believe me ♪
1107
01:00:05,060 --> 01:00:07,896
♪ It's a good day ♪
1108
01:00:07,980 --> 01:00:12,609
♪ I'm all rightI'm all right ♪
1109
01:00:13,402 --> 01:00:16,071
♪ I think that I'm all right ♪
1110
01:00:19,116 --> 01:00:20,743
♪ It's a good day ♪
80459
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