Original subtitles

Thank you, New Hampshire, for manning up!

What started in Iowa

with a come-from-behind second place finish

has built here tonight into an all-out victory!

And now it's on to South Carolina

and then back to the White House!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

That's right, you heard me,

back to the White House!

We're going back there!

Which one of you donkey-dongs was in charge of the balloons, huh?

- Believe it or not, Amy. - She's still fucking up?

She hasn't worked here for months!

Does anyone have her new email address?

"Man up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants.

It's universal. Men hate women, women hate themselves.

The Geraldine Ferraro principle.

Hey, ma'am, I was hoping

I could have some more responsibility this time.

- SELINA: Yes. - Yes!

Can you make me a waxing appointment in Charleston?

- I'm feeling patriotic. - Full bald eagle.

Ma'am, South Carolina is gonna be tough.

- Guys, black people love me. - Love.

Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas, the civil rights leader,

he once said to me...

- You told me this. - We're aware, ma'am.

This is a classic.

He once said to me

that I was the blackest white woman he ever met.

BEN: Ma'am, you do know

that this time you're running against an actual black person?

SELINA: She's not even all-black.

Plus, I'm gonna be

Lion-Kinging Little Richard all around

till I tear my rotator cuff.

Absolutely not, Mother.

GARY: Hey, ma'am. SELINA: Yeah.

I have been working for you for 18 years

- without a promotion. Yeah. - Right.

But some people kind of think

I deserve a bigger role in the campaign this time.

What kind of role was your mother thinking of?

I don't know, I thought everybody kind of did the same thing.

Ma'am, our faith-based outreach program is kind of a disaster.

- (GASPS) - Okay, so give Gary

the face-based thing.

- It's "faith-based." - I don't care.

- GARY: Yeah, okay. - All right.

I gotta get a little shut-eye before we land.

Can we have the lights out, please? Thank you.

Hey, Ben, do you have the county-by-county...

SELINA: No talking! GARY: No talking!

(THUDS)

- GARY: Ow! - I'm hearing moving!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

JONAH: I can't believe I got sixth place.

It is time for us to head over to the electoral scrapyard

and see if we can sell your endorsement for parts.

Okay, I'm gonna go hang myself from a sturdy pipe,

and I'm not even gonna bother jacking off.

- You have time for a drink beforehand? - Mmm.

Well, you're still my favorite son, Jonie.

How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun do 1% better than me?

Well, you had 3% and he had 4%,

so actually, he did 33% better than...

Don't math me, Lloyd.

Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb.

LLOYD: Jonah, modern math was invented

by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

(MOCKINGLY) You were invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

Burn. Sorry, Dad.

Okay, Jonie, please, don't yell at Lloyd. Please. He's just...

Sorry. What is that on your finger?

- Is that a ring? - LLOYD: Well, actually,

I asked your mom to marry me again,

and I'm hoping we can get your blessing.

JONAH: No! You don't have it...

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER)

Ah! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt,

they're fucking again?

I'm sorry I'm late.

The Meyer victory party is still raging.

They got some great coke.

I can't believe you backed another candidate, Uncle Judas.

- You know, when I'm president... - Shut the fuck up!

When you're president?

I'll jam my fist up my dick hole

and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish cutlery

when you're president!

Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate,

not a human pool skimmer

last used to despunk a Provincetown hot tub party!

Congratulations, Sis.

Let me know where to send the gift.

Spoiler alert. It's Danish cutlery. (LAUGHS)

Thanks, Jeff. See ya in church on Sunday.

Gary? I need my tea.

MARJORIE: And a well-done egg white frittata.

Here you are, ma'am.

Whoa. That startled me.

Why are you Gary?

He had an early morning meeting.

Well, you can't just replace Gary with another lesbian

and think that I'm not gonna notice what...

Mmm.

Oh, this tea is the perfect temperature.

Thank you, ma'am. I learned from an Afghani warlord.

We should put him on the payroll.

Oh, you killed him in a drone strike.

Oh, well.

I've laid out your outfit for the day.

Oh! Oh, wow.

I never thought before to put the Bottega pumps

with the Michael Kors top.

You've been taking fashion advice from a man

who dresses like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy.

That's a solid point.

- Oh. Is this edible? - No, ma'am.

Oh.

Hello. Hello.

- Mr. Walsh. I'm Blake Stein. - Nice to meet you.

- We're all ready to... - Yep. Yeah. Perfect.

Did you see the spread that I ordered?

These are fresh bagels from New York,

which I'm very excited about 'cause the President hates bagels...

(SHUSHING)...and she can't even be in the same room with donuts.

Uh, so why don't we get started?

Yes, of course, of course, I'd love that.

I would love that.

Here we go. (CHUCKLES)

- (PHONE RINGING) - (PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

- (WHISPERS) Uh, Mr. Walsh. - Mmm, yeah?

This is your meeting. You're in charge.

Oh, I know. I know. I know.

Of course.

Can I make anyone a plate?

- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - (DOOR OPENS)

Oh, what up, Mojo?

Hey, when are you and I gonna have that pussy-eating contest?

You have ten minutes.

I started timing the moment you knocked.

- Ma'am! So good to see you again. - Amy!

How is that baby? It must be getting big.

It's great.

So the reason that we are here...

Yeah.

...is Congressman Ryan is considering stepping aside

and endorsing you...

I want Vice President. That's non-negotiable.

- Ooh, let's go. - No, I'm willing to negotiate.

What about Department of the Exterior?

Interior.

We're gonna negotiate against ourselves now, Amy?

Amy, Amy, I mean...

(LAUGHING) Oh, God.

If Ellen had a little sister from China,

it might help her bond with Mike.

Or, uh, I could bond with the new one.

Tell them about your big new job, Mike.

Oh, gosh, yeah!

I have my own webcast on BuzzFeed.

I call it McLintalk, A-L-K.

It would be funny if you were American.

So, is everything all right?

Just one last question.

Mr. McLintock,

are you still close with President Selina Meyer?

Well, full disclosure,

she still doesn't like when I eat in front of her.

- Very good. Very good! - WENDY: Very good!

MAN: If you will just head down the hallway,

we will have you sign the application.

- Thank you so much. - Oh, thank you.

- MAN: Mr. McLintock. - Yeah?

I was wondering if you could deliver a message to President Meyer for me.

Remembering things and reporting them back to people

is not my strong suit, but I could write it down.

Please don't write it down.

Okay.

JORDAN: My father started this youth center for one reason.

You gotta keep the kids off the streets.

That's right. Gangs and...

You know, what you need is more police protection.

As you know, the police are doing most of the shootings.

Yeah, well, the police are out of control.

- Let me give you the rest of the tour. - Okay.

- Huh? - Ma'am, last month

a local eight-year-old boy was shot by police

when his candy bar was mistaken for a gun.

And how was I supposed to know that?

It was in today's Line-By-Line.

You know I don't read what you give me.

Thought I lost you! Let's continue the tour.

- The kids are waiting. - Okay, great.

SELINA: Your father was such a great man,

and you have inherited not only his good looks,

but also his charisma!

Oh. Now I'm blushing and a little bit crushing.

I would really love to be able to count on

your endorsement this time around.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You're gonna make me say it? - Say what?

She gonna make me say it!

We've got a sister running, ya know.

We got race in the race. Praise Jesus!

Yes. Indeedy. I, you know...

- Progress! - Progress.

Yeah, but you know, your daddy, he used to say to me

that I was the blackest white woman he ever met.

Can I tell you something?

My dad said that to a lot of white women.

That was his move.

(JORDAN CHUCKLES)

Now you know.

Oh, I would love to see you at services on Sunday,

and I would love it if you'd speak to the congregation.

Well, I'm...

I'm pretty booked up.

No. Just take it away.

AMY: Senator Talbot, we believe you are positioned to win the nomination,

and we might be considering suspending Congressman Ryan's campaign.

Definitely the right move.

K-Jazz.

Ask me what's on my mind.

Fine. What's on your mind, Congressman Ryan?

I'm glad you asked,

because my mind's on my money and my money's on my mind.

Laid back.

I thought she'd be more... I thought you'd be more familiar.

Uh...

I mean, did you at least watch Martin? "Damn, Gina!"

- We should go. - What? She asked.

Just, uh, let us know if we can be of any help.

Could you give me HUD? Nobody cares about it.

It's like the fat girl of cabinet posts.

Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi mail pieces just came in.

What, the tragic mulatto fuck?

Kemi looks like an albino.

And I'm so black, people are gonna start calling me articulate.

Hey, ma'am. Presenting my first faith-based outreach video.

- (ON COMPUTER) Outreach. Reaching out. - No.

Okay.

Look, guys, if we're not getting the black vote,

then we have to take a hard turn to the white.

Kent, how are we doing with non-college-educated whites?

- Look at this. - KENT: Underwater, ma'am.

Then how about college-educated whites?

In South Carolina,

that is not a significant slice of the pie.

Then we're gonna have to find a way with non-college-educated whites.

Like, what appeals to them... Okay, fine.

What appeals to them? What do they want?

Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs,

education, and an adequate safety net...

- Okay, I can speak to that. - I'm not finished, ma'am.

"...to be denied to African Americans."

- My video could help, actually. - (MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP)

- No! - (EXHALING SHARPLY)

Listen, we have to find a way

to say those things without actually saying them.

- Like a dog whistle. - Yes, exactly!

You know what? You could talk about charter schools. Mention...

Come on, that's like a dog whisper.

You could "reject" an endorsement from a pro-Confederacy group.

That's like a dog exploding space shuttle.

I need something loud, not too loud like...

- A dog chainsaw? - No, that's too droney.

MARJORIE: A dog snowmobile.

Why would I know what that even sounds like? I mean, seriously.

- I'm sorry, ma'am. - A dog leaf blower?

- Yeah, I like that. Yes. - BEN: That's right.

- Steady. - It's exactly like a dog chainsaw...

- No, it doesn't. - LEON: Very different sound.

It needs a higher register.

- (MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP) - Yeah, it is higher.

Okay, this is closed. I don't know... This is closed.

Wait a minute, what is Gary doing here?

This is my first strategic meeting at the big table.

Okay, guys, what you need to do is get me in front

- of huge white audiences. - Huge. Huge.

Something that makes a NASCAR race

look like a Jay-Z concert, you know?

Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people.

Okay, well, right? I know.

MIKE: Hey, guys! Big news.

Wendy and I are adopting another Chinese baby.

Where are you registered? Child Protective Services?

No, Gymboree.

I love that they make clothes in your size now, Mike.

- Oh, gosh, ma'am. I forgot. - SELINA: Yeah?

The guy at the Chinese Consulate

said he had a message for you from President Lu.

Wait, what?

He said, "President Lu is watching the election

"with great interest and hopes to return to your conversation

"about the Diaoyu Islands in the near future."

Hey, can you go look at Gary's faith video?

- Yeah, he needs some help. - Sure. You need the McLintock spin?

SELINA: Sure. MIKE: Okay.

Oh. Hey, ma'am, you got a moment?

- No. - Copy that.

What the fuck was... Out!

- What was that? - Lu sent you a message inside Mike.

A misfortune cookie.

Who cares about an island

that doesn't have a Four Seasons on it?

The Diaoyu Islands are important

to the Chinese militarily, but the United States

still does not recognize them as Chinese territory.

Surely Lu recognizes that

I can't recognize diddly-squat.

Unless...

You become President.

So, what? You think that Lu is trying to help me become...

Don't finish that sentence, ma'am.

We can't have this discussion. We are still a nation of laws.

- Ish. - Esque.

Of course, but let's be clear

about what we're not talking about.

Okay? We are not talking about

letting the Chinese influence our Presidential election

and certainly not in exchange for me recognizing those islands.

And, since it is not being discussed, then I do not have to mention

that you cannot trust the Chinese.

And they will not sell you out in a Beijing minute.

Wait, they will or they won't?

I don't know.

Well, I mean, can't we not

not do the thing that we're not talking about?

I'm totally lost.

Do you think Captain Lady Kangaroo heard any of that?

- I don't think so. - No? Okay, good.

Fire her anyway just to be sure.

Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am.

- Ma'am, big news... - Yeah?

- Tom James called. He wants a meeting. - Is he dropping out?

A James endorsement right now would be a game changer.

Set it up. I wanna see Tommy beg.

So, how's Little Richard doing with solid foods?

Don't ask me, ask her. Apparently, she's in charge of him now.

(SCOFFS) Catherine, please don't do this.

You stole our baby and you took him to church.

He saw a male Jesus.

When my uncle stole me, I don't remember where he took me,

but I do have this recurring dream where I almost find out.

- Richard, what's that noise? - (INDISTINCT WHIRRING)

Oh, it's a crop-duster.

They usually fly pretty low.

- Can you say "airplane"? - Not that low.

Oh, sweet male Jesus!

- Richard? Are you okay? - CATHERINE: Richard?

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - (DOOR OPENS)

Gary. You're growing your hair.

That's an amusing joke, Senator James.

Senator, hello.

Madam President.

Marjorie, thanks very much. You can leave.

Or I could stay. For safety's sake.

I'm a model of discretion.

Oh, you can be discreet out in the hallway.

You just left her in there? With him?

I was following orders.

Oh, so was Hitler.

Marjorie, there's something that you need to see.

Catherine, Little Richard is not sick.

Please stop taking his temperature.

No, it's big Richard.

(MUMBLES)

REPORTER: (ON TV) I'm here reporting from Lurlene, Iowa,

where earlier today an airplane

crashed into the local 7-Eleven.

Miraculously, there were no fatalities,

due in no small part to the heroics

of Lurlene's own mayor, Richard Splett.

Mayor Splett, what happened?

Oh, well, a crop duster clipped the power line

and bumped into a local 7-Eleven.

We're working with FEMA to bring in emergency supplies and cigarettes.

I've never been more proud I taught that man

to ejaculate into a cup.

SELINA: All right, Senator James, what's it gonna be?

I've heard you had a yen for Treasury.

I think a lot of my supporters would actually think

that State was more appropriate.

Ouch. Things are that bad at home, huh?

Let's just say that a few international tours

would ease domestic tensions.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, it's pretty early days, though.

You know, and still moving pieces around...

Foggy Bottom is a pretty big plum to be giving away so soon.

Although Secretary of State is only really powerful

if he or she has a close personal relationship with the President.

I don't know. Tom, I have to tell you, I'm really not convinced.

Well, if you like, I could walk you through my foreign policy ideas.

- Mmm. - You familiar with

"peace through strength"?

Oh. Keep talking like Reagan, I'll work it like Nancy.

- Congressman. - Governor.

- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - (CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

- Were you followed? - I don't know.

So, what would you offer me

as far as a cabinet position in exchange for my endorsement?

Whoops!

I guess we got ourselves a Gift of the Magi situation here.

I was gonna ask you for the same thing.

Wait, you're dropping out?

Maybe. Maybe not.

But I was gonna ask you for Secretary of Interior.

Were you gonna ask for Interior and then settle for HUD?

Dang it. So busted.

Hey, is that Amy?

JONAH: Oh, she said to say no.

Oh.

AMY: Get in the car.

No, yeah, that's definitely Amy.

Oh. All right.

- See you later, man. Yeah. - Good luck, bro.

SELINA: Oh. Morning, boys. MEN: Morning, ma'am.

Our good friend Tom James just called a press conference.

SELINA: Oh, has he now? KENT: Yes.

Wow. I need fruit.

- On it. - GARY: On it. I'm on it.

- BEN: Ma'am? - Yeah?

Please tell me you didn't promise him State?

There is no way I would appoint anyone competent

to anything in my cabinet.

Morning. Thank you for coming. Hope I can...

Cloudberries are organic and Icelandic.

How lovely.

I have decided to suspend my campaign for President of the United States.

- Oh, no. Tom, say it ain't so. - (ALL GROAN)

- REPORTER: Senator James. - Yeah.

Will you be making an endorsement?

I'd like to give my strongest and most full-throated support

to the person who has proven time and time again

to be a born leader.

I wonder who that could be.

I don't know who that is.

...but unfortunately that candidate has not yet emerged

and shows no sign of doing so.

- SELINA: Huh? - These are early days.

There's a lot of moving pieces,

- but I will not be endorsingjust yet. - No, no, no, no. What?

- Thank you, and God bless America. - He just fucked me right in the ass!

Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you.

That, too!

Ma'am, it's time to just give up on South Carolina.

- No, no! Move, move! - (GROANS)

Are you kidding me? We can't let Kemi get a foothold in South Carolina.

Think!

Oh. I'll... You call Dr. Thomas and you tell him, yeah,

I'll speak before his congregation tomorrow.

Ma'am, we need white voters.

- I mean, that's not gonna work. - SELINA: Yeah.

It will if I give a speech in support

of local law enforcement and that cop who killed

that kid who threatened him with the candy bar!

Okay, so you wanna blow a dog whistle in a black church?

I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle

while you're raping somebody.

- (SOFTLY) Exactly. - Speak truth to powerless.

I like that very much. Write that down, Leon.

- I will do that. - Here's the fruit.

Honeydew? If I wanna pretend to be in the CNN green room,

I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and call that Christiane Amanpour.

Jonah-lah! What's this meshugas about you dropping out of the race?

That can't happen. Chicken?

Mr. Tanz, they say that I have no chance of winning.

Who said anything about winning?

You. I thought you said I was gonna be president.

No, you did.

Made me chuckle every time. I never thought you could win.

Well, then why the fuck am I running, sir?

As terribly as you're doing,

you're still winning delegates.

Mostly crazy cuckoos,

but you multiply that by 50 states,

I can force the party to make some tweaks

to the platform at the convention.

Stricter marijuana laws! Ta-da!

I need potheads in my prisons.

Otherwise it's just murderers and rapists.

It makes for a very unpleasant atmosphere.

I wish I'd aborted myself.

Wait, so no one's really trying to make me president?

No.

Wait, so this is all just to keep The Chronic illegal?

Now he gets it! Plus, I need more casino licenses for Macau.

I know it sounds a little specific,

but in the end it'll benefit all Americans.

Toodle-oo!

JORDAN: President Selina Meyer.

- Hello, Reverend. - Good for you, girl.

I can't believe you did this.

- Yeah. - You don't quit.

- No, I don't. - Oh, I like that.

- Do you? Okay. Good. - I do.

- And I love that little hat. - Thank you.

Yeah, this whole congregation's gonna love that little hat.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, God, I think he has a crush on me.

- Yeah. - He does not, ma'am.

Oh, come on.

I appreciate your honesty, Marjorie.

- Okay. - I mean, not that it matters.

He certainly isn't gonna after I read this manifesto.

Permission to roll your breasts, ma'am?

Oh, granted.

JORDAN: Good morning, everybody.

CROWD: Good morning.

Uh, we have a special guest today.

I'm pretty sure that you can imagine

that I'm a firm supporter of the separation of church and state.

- (CROWD AGREEING) - Because this is the Lord's house.

Not the White House.

But soon to be the "Black House."

(CROWD CHEERING)

Brothers and sisters, please welcome President Selina Meyer.

- Thank you. Thank you, Reverend. - Mmm-hmm.

- Good morning. - CROWD: Good morning.

I don't need to tell you that church is a special place.

- JORDAN: That's right. - (CROWD AGREEING)

But it's also a place for truth, isn't it?

That's right. That's right.

And what happened recently in your community

to that young boy is very sad.

(CROWD AGREEING)

But here's the hard truth.

There are many victims here.

And you might not wanna hear this.

But the real victims are the police...

(CROWD MURMURING)

MAN: Uh-huh.

..."ing."

Policing that America does in the South China Sea.

That's right. I went there.

It is time for America to recognize

Chinese sovereignty over the Diaoyu Islands

and the disputed mineral rights of the surrounding seabed.

Can I get an amen?

- What? - Amen.

Hello, everyone. I'm Mike McLintock,

and Mc-welcome to the first episode of McLintock... I mean "talk."

Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive.

We are getting the first national interview

with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor,

who it turns out is not a dog, but a human.

Mayor Richard Splett, are you there?

Hi, Mike. Big fan of the show.

Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven?

Oh, I'm no hero.

I'm just a mayor who now,

temporarily, has a Slurpee machine in his office.

- Well... - I need my iPad.

(SIGHS) Mayor Splett, did you realize

what you were doing was so courageous?

- Oh, good question. - Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.

I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there.

Except the people who were there and didn't do anything.

You heard it here first.

Stick around for more McLintock with Mike McLin-talk.

KEITH: Spare a nanosecond for First Mate Quinn?

What do you want, Keith?

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Wow. Okay.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Uh, is that Mandarin?

Yes, it was.

I happen to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia

who have a strong interest in Sino-American relations,

and they were very, very impressed and delighted by your sermon.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know what you're talking about...

I would say that we're well past the point

of plausible deniability at this point.

I... You know, I haven't committed to anything...

- Well, actually... - Hi, ma'am.

- Yeah? - Can I share the news with you?

- What? - KENT: You need to hear this.

Look. Faith-based initiative just raised $25 million.

Wow. Way to go, buddy!

- All of a sudden, out of nowhere! - SELINA: What?

- GARY: Anonymously. - Um... Wow.

Okay, I'll get out of you hair, ma'am.

Okay.

It must've been the video I made, right?

Well, I can't think of any other reason.

Well, let's be honest. God had a lot to do with it, too.

- Oh, sure! Yeah. - It's a miracle.

Let's go spend $25 million on some racist robo-calls.

- BEN: Praise the Lord. - Right?

JONAH: Thank you.

You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence

or the tentrament to be president?

My very own campaign staff.

- (ALL GASP) - That's right.

They have been trying to stop me

- from becoming president. - (ALL BOOING)

Yeah, no... Yeah, boo! Let 'em have it.

That is my campaign chair, Amy Brookheimer.

She recently had an abortion.

And that is my chief strategist, Teddy Sykes,

and he is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated.

And that guy right there,

that's Eric something.

Bill Ericsson.

That's Eric Bill Ericsson,

and he thinks he's better than everybody else in this room.

(ALL BOOING)

I've never seen anything like this.

He's actually running against his own campaign. Macau, here we come.

And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather that...

TEDDY: Father-in-law!

...from my stupid stepfather-in-law

that math was created by Muslims.

Yeah. And we teach this Islamic math to children.

Math teachers are terrorists.

(ALL GASPING)

- I love this. - Okay. That's it.

I may be a registered sex offender,

but I cannot be a part of this.

I'm gone.

Algebra? More like Al Jazeera.

Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this Sharia math

from being taught to American children.

- Amy, are you coming? - There will be no more math.

One sec.

(ALL CHANTING) No more math! No more math! No more math!

No more math!

God fuck America.

(ALL CHANTING) No more math! No more math!

- No more math! No more math! - (GROANS)

No more math!

No... Are you... She's fine. She's fine.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

If we lose, it certainly won't be

for lack of touching people in a Denny's.

- All right. So, how's the turnout? - BEN: Like my prostate.

Mostly black and much larger than we'd like.

Oh, shit.

We're seeing unprecedented levels of African-American voter engagement.

All right. Well, that's terrible, but also inspiring.

Welcome to McLintock Embedded.

- Oh. We're live. - Madam President,

would you like to say something to our viewers?

- Sure, if you haven't voted, please... - (PHONE VIBRATING)

Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call. I apologize, it's Wendy.

Oh.

Hey. No, now is a good time.

- What's up? - Can't buy that kind of press.

- I'm sorry. - I need to talk to you.

Sparkling water, ma'am?

Yes. Oh, perfect.

Close the door.

Okay. Ben, I sold my soul to the Chinese for a lousy $25 million.

Ma'am, I warned you.

You cannot trust the Chinese.

I married enough of them to know that.

Wait, isn't your wife Korean?

Maybe. Fog of war.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Ma'am. You wanna see this.

Something's happening.

REPORTER: (ON TV) ...poll watchers are reporting

that over 48,000 black voters were turned away

because their middle initials on the voter rolls

did not match their identification.

SELINA: Wait, what? DAN: Yeah, listen to this.

"Widespread power outages across the state,

"and police are urging residents

"to stay at home for their own safety."

"The outages seem to be occurring

"primarily in African American neighborhoods."

It's a total blackout.

- Okay, Ben! - MIKE: Oh, ma'am, big news.

- Wendy just got a call. - What?

We're gonna adopt another baby from China!

You know, I think it's that secret message that I...

No, no! (MUMBLES)

- Move! - Okay, okay!

MAN: We got three hours left.

I'll call the Precinct Captains right now.

MAN: We can turn this!

I think the Chinese just delivered.

And?

Thank you, South Carolina!

We had an amazing turnout on our side.

Yeah!

And you know how I like to celebrate when I win?

CROWD: How?

By winning some more!

DAN: Balloons.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

From now on, I do what I want,

I take what I want, whenever I want it.

"New Selina Now."

Let's watch my victory speech again.

- Yeah. Uh... - Yeah.

I don't have the remote.

Oh, it's on the table by the chair.

So go get it.

- Good morning, ma'am. - Good morning.

Hey, Marjorie, look at my eyes.

Tell me straight. Do they look okay to you?

They look very puffy, ma'am.

- (SCOFFS) - GARY: (STUTTERING) Hey.

Hey, good morning. Morning, ma'am. Marjorie.

- Morning. - Gary.

- Hey, Gary? - Yeah.

Do my eyes look puffy to you?

I'm surprised they let you run for president,

because you look 34, tops.

Yeah.

- Marjorie, you're out. - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

And you're back in.

Okay? You just go back to whatever you were doing before.

- Finance Chair. - All right, well, whatever.

So who's in charge of the faith-based outreach now?

- Not it. - You are.

- Oh, I am? Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah. You still are.

And Keith Quinn'll help you out too, I think.

Yes, there you go. So, your name will be all over it.

Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary.

- Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with her. - Let's go.

Congratulations, Gary. The better woman won.

I'll take that.

Thank you.

I moved some things around.

Oh, did you? (CHUCKLES)

- Wow. It looks better. - Mmm-hmm.

The tampons are vertical, that's brilliant...

- SELINA: Gary? - Yep?

Shouldn't you be pre-chewing my mother's food for her?

I told her her eyes looked puffy.

(GASPS)

Thank you, chipmunk.

You're welcome, Catherine.

KEITH: Hey-O, Dan-O! You busting out of here?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I need an itinerary.

Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign.

And?

Wait, I'm fired?

Per fucking who?

Per Selina.

I believe her words were,

"If I need another Washington douche,

"I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid."

You should flip through your NDA.

If you breathe a word of anything, to anyone,

we'll slit your throat.

Later, gator!

Congressman Ryan placed a distant third last night.

Where does the campaign go from here?

Third place was a massive win for us.

Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot can feel Jonah Ryan

breathing down their necks.

Jonah Ryan said he's been lying to everyone the whole time.

Why should anyone trust him now?

Frankly, Jonah Ryan is the only candidate

who's honest about his dishonesty.

And that is why Jonah Ryan is the next President of the United States.

Speaking as someone who's covered politics for 20 years,

- Jonah Ryan terrifies me. - That's your opinion.

I find his mindless, toxic fear-mongering

a dangerous addition to our already divisive political climate.

Again, your opinion.

Tomorrow morning, we will be live

with exclusive coverage of Congressman Ryan's rally

in Youngstown, Ohio, only on CNN.