1 00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:10,170 Thank you, New Hampshire, for manning up! 2 00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,343 What started in Iowa 3 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,763 with a come-from-behind second place finish 4 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:20,810 has built here tonight into an all-out victory! 5 00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:25,273 And now it's on to South Carolina 6 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:29,228 and then back to the White House! 7 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:31,233 (MUSIC PLAYING) 8 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,571 That's right, you heard me, 9 00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,948 back to the White House! 10 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,953 We're going back there! 11 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,660 Which one of you donkey-dongs was in charge of the balloons, huh? 12 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,754 - Believe it or not, Amy. - She's still fucking up? 13 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,199 She hasn't worked here for months! 14 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,124 Does anyone have her new email address? 15 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:54,052 "Man up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants. 16 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,301 It's universal. Men hate women, women hate themselves. 17 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,927 The Geraldine Ferraro principle. 18 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,224 Hey, ma'am, I was hoping 19 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,080 I could have some more responsibility this time. 20 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,185 - SELINA: Yes. - Yes! 21 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:07,016 Can you make me a waxing appointment in Charleston? 22 00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:09,146 - I'm feeling patriotic. - Full bald eagle. 23 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,603 Ma'am, South Carolina is gonna be tough. 24 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:14,030 - Guys, black people love me. - Love. 25 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,529 Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas, the civil rights leader, 26 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,618 he once said to me... 27 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,264 - You told me this. - We're aware, ma'am. 28 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,529 This is a classic. 29 00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:22,033 He once said to me 30 00:01:22,124 --> 00:01:26,164 that I was the blackest white woman he ever met. 31 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,960 BEN: Ma'am, you do know 32 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,459 that this time you're running against an actual black person? 33 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,085 SELINA: She's not even all-black. 34 00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,586 Plus, I'm gonna be 35 00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:36,420 Lion-Kinging Little Richard all around 36 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:37,754 till I tear my rotator cuff. 37 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,214 Absolutely not, Mother. 38 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:40,549 GARY: Hey, ma'am. SELINA: Yeah. 39 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,929 I have been working for you for 18 years 40 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,478 - without a promotion. Yeah. - Right. 41 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:46,805 But some people kind of think 42 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,436 I deserve a bigger role in the campaign this time. 43 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,326 What kind of role was your mother thinking of? 44 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,590 I don't know, I thought everybody kind of did the same thing. 45 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,357 Ma'am, our faith-based outreach program is kind of a disaster. 46 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,986 - (GASPS) - Okay, so give Gary 47 00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,157 the face-based thing. 48 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,638 - It's "faith-based." - I don't care. 49 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,198 - GARY: Yeah, okay. - All right. 50 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,975 I gotta get a little shut-eye before we land. 51 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,833 Can we have the lights out, please? Thank you. 52 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,956 Hey, Ben, do you have the county-by-county... 53 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,380 SELINA: No talking! GARY: No talking! 54 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:13,585 (THUDS) 55 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,041 - GARY: Ow! - I'm hearing moving! 56 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,127 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 57 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,514 JONAH: I can't believe I got sixth place. 58 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,468 It is time for us to head over to the electoral scrapyard 59 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,848 and see if we can sell your endorsement for parts. 60 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,146 Okay, I'm gonna go hang myself from a sturdy pipe, 61 00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,019 and I'm not even gonna bother jacking off. 62 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:33,101 - You have time for a drink beforehand? - Mmm. 63 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,855 Well, you're still my favorite son, Jonie. 64 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,783 How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun do 1% better than me? 65 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,031 Well, you had 3% and he had 4%, 66 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,738 so actually, he did 33% better than... 67 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,414 Don't math me, Lloyd. 68 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:51,996 Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb. 69 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,625 LLOYD: Jonah, modern math was invented 70 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,331 by Islamic scholars in the 7th century. 71 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,759 (MOCKINGLY) You were invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century. 72 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,962 Burn. Sorry, Dad. 73 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,326 Okay, Jonie, please, don't yell at Lloyd. Please. He's just... 74 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,661 Sorry. What is that on your finger? 75 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,517 - Is that a ring? - LLOYD: Well, actually, 76 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,640 I asked your mom to marry me again, 77 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,124 and I'm hoping we can get your blessing. 78 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,209 JONAH: No! You don't have it... 79 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,440 (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER) 80 00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:21,574 Ah! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt, 81 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,743 they're fucking again? 82 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:25,911 I'm sorry I'm late. 83 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,705 The Meyer victory party is still raging. 84 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,158 They got some great coke. 85 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,960 I can't believe you backed another candidate, Uncle Judas. 86 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,108 - You know, when I'm president... - Shut the fuck up! 87 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:36,589 When you're president? 88 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,917 I'll jam my fist up my dick hole 89 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,297 and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish cutlery 90 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:42,388 when you're president! 91 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,714 Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate, 92 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,141 not a human pool skimmer 93 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,436 last used to despunk a Provincetown hot tub party! 94 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,184 Congratulations, Sis. 95 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:54,982 Let me know where to send the gift. 96 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,027 Spoiler alert. It's Danish cutlery. (LAUGHS) 97 00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:00,981 Thanks, Jeff. See ya in church on Sunday. 98 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,151 Gary? I need my tea. 99 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,005 MARJORIE: And a well-done egg white frittata. 100 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,154 Here you are, ma'am. 101 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,035 Whoa. That startled me. 102 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,366 Why are you Gary? 103 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,996 He had an early morning meeting. 104 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,830 Well, you can't just replace Gary with another lesbian 105 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,006 and think that I'm not gonna notice what... 106 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,676 Mmm. 107 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,719 Oh, this tea is the perfect temperature. 108 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,138 Thank you, ma'am. I learned from an Afghani warlord. 109 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,590 We should put him on the payroll. 110 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:28,995 Oh, you killed him in a drone strike. 111 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,100 Oh, well. 112 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,769 I've laid out your outfit for the day. 113 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:34,188 Oh! Oh, wow. 114 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,687 I never thought before to put the Bottega pumps 115 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,313 with the Michael Kors top. 116 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,123 You've been taking fashion advice from a man 117 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,189 who dresses like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy. 118 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,693 That's a solid point. 119 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,408 - Oh. Is this edible? - No, ma'am. 120 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:47,953 Oh. 121 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,699 Hello. Hello. 122 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,251 - Mr. Walsh. I'm Blake Stein. - Nice to meet you. 123 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,750 - We're all ready to... - Yep. Yeah. Perfect. 124 00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,150 Did you see the spread that I ordered? 125 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,587 These are fresh bagels from New York, 126 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,339 which I'm very excited about 'cause the President hates bagels... 127 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,297 (SHUSHING)...and she can't even be in the same room with donuts. 128 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:08,801 Uh, so why don't we get started? 129 00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:10,884 Yes, of course, of course, I'd love that. 130 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,185 I would love that. 131 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,182 Here we go. (CHUCKLES) 132 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,394 - (PHONE RINGING) - (PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY) 133 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,861 - (WHISPERS) Uh, Mr. Walsh. - Mmm, yeah? 134 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,783 This is your meeting. You're in charge. 135 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,946 Oh, I know. I know. I know. 136 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:33,541 Of course. 137 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:37,539 Can I make anyone a plate? 138 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,206 - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - (DOOR OPENS) 139 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,585 Oh, what up, Mojo? 140 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,779 Hey, when are you and I gonna have that pussy-eating contest? 141 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,169 You have ten minutes. 142 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,175 I started timing the moment you knocked. 143 00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:51,349 - Ma'am! So good to see you again. - Amy! 144 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:53,551 How is that baby? It must be getting big. 145 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:54,645 It's great. 146 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,140 So the reason that we are here... 147 00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:57,231 Yeah. 148 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,210 ...is Congressman Ryan is considering stepping aside 149 00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,234 and endorsing you... 150 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:01,796 I want Vice President. That's non-negotiable. 151 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,631 - Ooh, let's go. - No, I'm willing to negotiate. 152 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:05,174 What about Department of the Exterior? 153 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,198 Interior. 154 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,177 We're gonna negotiate against ourselves now, Amy? 155 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,410 Amy, Amy, I mean... 156 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,283 (LAUGHING) Oh, God. 157 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,623 If Ellen had a little sister from China, 158 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,293 it might help her bond with Mike. 159 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,541 Or, uh, I could bond with the new one. 160 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,497 Tell them about your big new job, Mike. 161 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:24,708 Oh, gosh, yeah! 162 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,918 I have my own webcast on BuzzFeed. 163 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:30,255 I call it McLintalk, A-L-K. 164 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,761 It would be funny if you were American. 165 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,218 So, is everything all right? 166 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,393 Just one last question. 167 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:37,890 Mr. McLintock, 168 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,974 are you still close with President Selina Meyer? 169 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,067 Well, full disclosure, 170 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,838 she still doesn't like when I eat in front of her. 171 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,649 - Very good. Very good! - WENDY: Very good! 172 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,731 MAN: If you will just head down the hallway, 173 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,260 we will have you sign the application. 174 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,071 - Thank you so much. - Oh, thank you. 175 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,403 - MAN: Mr. McLintock. - Yeah? 176 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:58,332 I was wondering if you could deliver a message to President Meyer for me. 177 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,146 Remembering things and reporting them back to people 178 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,662 is not my strong suit, but I could write it down. 179 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,963 Please don't write it down. 180 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,256 Okay. 181 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,343 JORDAN: My father started this youth center for one reason. 182 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,740 You gotta keep the kids off the streets. 183 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,005 That's right. Gangs and... 184 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,260 You know, what you need is more police protection. 185 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:17,185 As you know, the police are doing most of the shootings. 186 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,011 Yeah, well, the police are out of control. 187 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,017 - Let me give you the rest of the tour. - Okay. 188 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,273 - Huh? - Ma'am, last month 189 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,352 a local eight-year-old boy was shot by police 190 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,357 when his candy bar was mistaken for a gun. 191 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,887 And how was I supposed to know that? 192 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,281 It was in today's Line-By-Line. 193 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,074 You know I don't read what you give me. 194 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,638 Thought I lost you! Let's continue the tour. 195 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:34,847 - The kids are waiting. - Okay, great. 196 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,204 SELINA: Your father was such a great man, 197 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,953 and you have inherited not only his good looks, 198 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,705 but also his charisma! 199 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,752 Oh. Now I'm blushing and a little bit crushing. 200 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,125 I would really love to be able to count on 201 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,458 your endorsement this time around. 202 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,667 - Really? - Yeah. 203 00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:52,549 - You're gonna make me say it? - Say what? 204 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,346 She gonna make me say it! 205 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,264 We've got a sister running, ya know. 206 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,388 We got race in the race. Praise Jesus! 207 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,811 Yes. Indeedy. I, you know... 208 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,889 - Progress! - Progress. 209 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,317 Yeah, but you know, your daddy, he used to say to me 210 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,771 that I was the blackest white woman he ever met. 211 00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:11,105 Can I tell you something? 212 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,593 My dad said that to a lot of white women. 213 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,698 That was his move. 214 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,075 (JORDAN CHUCKLES) 215 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,618 Now you know. 216 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,072 Oh, I would love to see you at services on Sunday, 217 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,578 and I would love it if you'd speak to the congregation. 218 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,534 Well, I'm... 219 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,914 I'm pretty booked up. 220 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,005 No. Just take it away. 221 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:32,669 AMY: Senator Talbot, we believe you are positioned to win the nomination, 222 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:36,472 and we might be considering suspending Congressman Ryan's campaign. 223 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,719 Definitely the right move. 224 00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:38,845 K-Jazz. 225 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,301 Ask me what's on my mind. 226 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:42,603 Fine. What's on your mind, Congressman Ryan? 227 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,225 I'm glad you asked, 228 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:49,151 because my mind's on my money and my money's on my mind. 229 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,069 Laid back. 230 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,060 I thought she'd be more... I thought you'd be more familiar. 231 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,155 Uh... 232 00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,328 I mean, did you at least watch Martin? "Damn, Gina!" 233 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:00,871 - We should go. - What? She asked. 234 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,685 Just, uh, let us know if we can be of any help. 235 00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,951 Could you give me HUD? Nobody cares about it. 236 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,332 It's like the fat girl of cabinet posts. 237 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,707 Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi mail pieces just came in. 238 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,926 What, the tragic mulatto fuck? 239 00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,799 Kemi looks like an albino. 240 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,381 And I'm so black, people are gonna start calling me articulate. 241 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,786 Hey, ma'am. Presenting my first faith-based outreach video. 242 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,038 - (ON COMPUTER) Outreach. Reaching out. - No. 243 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,519 Okay. 244 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,892 Look, guys, if we're not getting the black vote, 245 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,395 then we have to take a hard turn to the white. 246 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:31,148 Kent, how are we doing with non-college-educated whites? 247 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,423 - Look at this. - KENT: Underwater, ma'am. 248 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,279 Then how about college-educated whites? 249 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,822 In South Carolina, 250 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,447 that is not a significant slice of the pie. 251 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:41,700 Then we're gonna have to find a way with non-college-educated whites. 252 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,656 Like, what appeals to them... Okay, fine. 253 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,867 What appeals to them? What do they want? 254 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,327 Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs, 255 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,333 education, and an adequate safety net... 256 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,881 - Okay, I can speak to that. - I'm not finished, ma'am. 257 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,334 "...to be denied to African Americans." 258 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,698 - My video could help, actually. - (MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP) 259 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:58,803 - No! - (EXHALING SHARPLY) 260 00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:01,098 Listen, we have to find a way 261 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:04,677 to say those things without actually saying them. 262 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,728 - Like a dog whistle. - Yes, exactly! 263 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,876 You know what? You could talk about charter schools. Mention... 264 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,812 Come on, that's like a dog whisper. 265 00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:14,486 You could "reject" an endorsement from a pro-Confederacy group. 266 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:17,690 That's like a dog exploding space shuttle. 267 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,776 I need something loud, not too loud like... 268 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,031 - A dog chainsaw? - No, that's too droney. 269 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,329 MARJORIE: A dog snowmobile. 270 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,407 Why would I know what that even sounds like? I mean, seriously. 271 00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,458 - I'm sorry, ma'am. - A dog leaf blower? 272 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,537 - Yeah, I like that. Yes. - BEN: That's right. 273 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,470 - Steady. - It's exactly like a dog chainsaw... 274 00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:34,347 - No, it doesn't. - LEON: Very different sound. 275 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:35,505 It needs a higher register. 276 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:36,695 - (MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP) - Yeah, it is higher. 277 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,006 Okay, this is closed. I don't know... This is closed. 278 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,555 Wait a minute, what is Gary doing here? 279 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,452 This is my first strategic meeting at the big table. 280 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,310 Okay, guys, what you need to do is get me in front 281 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,683 - of huge white audiences. - Huge. Huge. 282 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,264 Something that makes a NASCAR race 283 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,315 look like a Jay-Z concert, you know? 284 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,505 Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people. 285 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,191 Okay, well, right? I know. 286 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:57,943 MIKE: Hey, guys! Big news. 287 00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,115 Wendy and I are adopting another Chinese baby. 288 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:01,971 Where are you registered? Child Protective Services? 289 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,361 No, Gymboree. 290 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,534 I love that they make clothes in your size now, Mike. 291 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:06,725 - Oh, gosh, ma'am. I forgot. - SELINA: Yeah? 292 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,035 The guy at the Chinese Consulate 293 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,083 said he had a message for you from President Lu. 294 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:12,087 Wait, what? 295 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,084 He said, "President Lu is watching the election 296 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,087 "with great interest and hopes to return to your conversation 297 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,885 "about the Diaoyu Islands in the near future." 298 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:24,257 Hey, can you go look at Gary's faith video? 299 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,093 - Yeah, he needs some help. - Sure. You need the McLintock spin? 300 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,519 SELINA: Sure. MIKE: Okay. 301 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:29,832 Oh. Hey, ma'am, you got a moment? 302 00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,472 - No. - Copy that. 303 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:34,183 What the fuck was... Out! 304 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:41,816 - What was that? - Lu sent you a message inside Mike. 305 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,276 A misfortune cookie. 306 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,610 Who cares about an island 307 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,616 that doesn't have a Four Seasons on it? 308 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,288 The Diaoyu Islands are important 309 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,162 to the Chinese militarily, but the United States 310 00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,539 still does not recognize them as Chinese territory. 311 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,166 Surely Lu recognizes that 312 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,623 I can't recognize diddly-squat. 313 00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,301 Unless... 314 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,466 You become President. 315 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,842 So, what? You think that Lu is trying to help me become... 316 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,292 Don't finish that sentence, ma'am. 317 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,934 We can't have this discussion. We are still a nation of laws. 318 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,136 - Ish. - Esque. 319 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,846 Of course, but let's be clear 320 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,478 about what we're not talking about. 321 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,025 Okay? We are not talking about 322 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:20,775 letting the Chinese influence our Presidential election 323 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:24,779 and certainly not in exchange for me recognizing those islands. 324 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:28,078 And, since it is not being discussed, then I do not have to mention 325 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,076 that you cannot trust the Chinese. 326 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:33,750 And they will not sell you out in a Beijing minute. 327 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,413 Wait, they will or they won't? 328 00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:38,748 I don't know. 329 00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:41,549 Well, I mean, can't we not 330 00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:45,004 not do the thing that we're not talking about? 331 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,179 I'm totally lost. 332 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,100 Do you think Captain Lady Kangaroo heard any of that? 333 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,268 - I don't think so. - No? Okay, good. 334 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,266 Fire her anyway just to be sure. 335 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,097 Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am. 336 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:57,586 - Ma'am, big news... - Yeah? 337 00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,353 - Tom James called. He wants a meeting. - Is he dropping out? 338 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,174 A James endorsement right now would be a game changer. 339 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,406 Set it up. I wanna see Tommy beg. 340 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:09,036 So, how's Little Richard doing with solid foods? 341 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,267 Don't ask me, ask her. Apparently, she's in charge of him now. 342 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,851 (SCOFFS) Catherine, please don't do this. 343 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:15,788 You stole our baby and you took him to church. 344 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,460 He saw a male Jesus. 345 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,255 When my uncle stole me, I don't remember where he took me, 346 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:23,505 but I do have this recurring dream where I almost find out. 347 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,281 - Richard, what's that noise? - (INDISTINCT WHIRRING) 348 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,546 Oh, it's a crop-duster. 349 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,301 They usually fly pretty low. 350 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,053 - Can you say "airplane"? - Not that low. 351 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,343 Oh, sweet male Jesus! 352 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,237 - Richard? Are you okay? - CATHERINE: Richard? 353 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:37,967 - (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - (DOOR OPENS) 354 00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,476 Gary. You're growing your hair. 355 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,402 That's an amusing joke, Senator James. 356 00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,229 Senator, hello. 357 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,735 Madam President. 358 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,532 Marjorie, thanks very much. You can leave. 359 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:49,359 Or I could stay. For safety's sake. 360 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,820 I'm a model of discretion. 361 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,593 Oh, you can be discreet out in the hallway. 362 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,793 You just left her in there? With him? 363 00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,040 I was following orders. 364 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,792 Oh, so was Hitler. 365 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,735 Marjorie, there's something that you need to see. 366 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,796 Catherine, Little Richard is not sick. 367 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,286 Please stop taking his temperature. 368 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,382 No, it's big Richard. 369 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,348 (MUMBLES) 370 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,176 REPORTER: (ON TV) I'm here reporting from Lurlene, Iowa, 371 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,969 where earlier today an airplane 372 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,181 crashed into the local 7-Eleven. 373 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,732 Miraculously, there were no fatalities, 374 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,901 due in no small part to the heroics 375 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,821 of Lurlene's own mayor, Richard Splett. 376 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,024 Mayor Splett, what happened? 377 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,484 Oh, well, a crop duster clipped the power line 378 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,615 and bumped into a local 7-Eleven. 379 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,100 We're working with FEMA to bring in emergency supplies and cigarettes. 380 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,602 I've never been more proud I taught that man 381 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,037 to ejaculate into a cup. 382 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,710 SELINA: All right, Senator James, what's it gonna be? 383 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:43,255 I've heard you had a yen for Treasury. 384 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,674 I think a lot of my supporters would actually think 385 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,843 that State was more appropriate. 386 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,216 Ouch. Things are that bad at home, huh? 387 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,798 Let's just say that a few international tours 388 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,554 would ease domestic tensions. 389 00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:55,851 (CHUCKLES) 390 00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,146 Well, it's pretty early days, though. 391 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,101 You know, and still moving pieces around... 392 00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:08,235 Foggy Bottom is a pretty big plum to be giving away so soon. 393 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:11,032 Although Secretary of State is only really powerful 394 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:16,365 if he or she has a close personal relationship with the President. 395 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:19,700 I don't know. Tom, I have to tell you, I'm really not convinced. 396 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:23,208 Well, if you like, I could walk you through my foreign policy ideas. 397 00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,084 - Mmm. - You familiar with 398 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,174 "peace through strength"? 399 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,127 Oh. Keep talking like Reagan, I'll work it like Nancy. 400 00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:39,978 - Congressman. - Governor. 401 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:41,976 - (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - (CAR ALARM CHIRPS) 402 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:45,146 - Were you followed? - I don't know. 403 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,444 So, what would you offer me 404 00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:51,274 as far as a cabinet position in exchange for my endorsement? 405 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:52,576 Whoops! 406 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:56,237 I guess we got ourselves a Gift of the Magi situation here. 407 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,617 I was gonna ask you for the same thing. 408 00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,748 Wait, you're dropping out? 409 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,034 Maybe. Maybe not. 410 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:04,415 But I was gonna ask you for Secretary of Interior. 411 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,705 Were you gonna ask for Interior and then settle for HUD? 412 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:10,088 Dang it. So busted. 413 00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:12,882 Hey, is that Amy? 414 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,588 JONAH: Oh, she said to say no. 415 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,475 Oh. 416 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,595 AMY: Get in the car. 417 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,051 No, yeah, that's definitely Amy. 418 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,511 Oh. All right. 419 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,365 - See you later, man. Yeah. - Good luck, bro. 420 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:25,269 SELINA: Oh. Morning, boys. MEN: Morning, ma'am. 421 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,337 Our good friend Tom James just called a press conference. 422 00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,943 SELINA: Oh, has he now? KENT: Yes. 423 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,566 Wow. I need fruit. 424 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,192 - On it. - GARY: On it. I'm on it. 425 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:33,283 - BEN: Ma'am? - Yeah? 426 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,154 Please tell me you didn't promise him State? 427 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,702 There is no way I would appoint anyone competent 428 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:38,904 to anything in my cabinet. 429 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,287 Morning. Thank you for coming. Hope I can... 430 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,038 Cloudberries are organic and Icelandic. 431 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,128 How lovely. 432 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:49,253 I have decided to suspend my campaign for President of the United States. 433 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,050 - Oh, no. Tom, say it ain't so. - (ALL GROAN) 434 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:53,197 - REPORTER: Senator James. - Yeah. 435 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:56,134 Will you be making an endorsement? 436 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:59,763 I'd like to give my strongest and most full-throated support 437 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:03,311 to the person who has proven time and time again 438 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,478 to be a born leader. 439 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:06,898 I wonder who that could be. 440 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,600 I don't know who that is. 441 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,654 ...but unfortunately that candidate has not yet emerged 442 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:15,653 and shows no sign of doing so. 443 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,655 - SELINA: Huh? - These are early days. 444 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:20,078 There's a lot of moving pieces, 445 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,702 - but I will not be endorsingjust yet. - No, no, no, no. What? 446 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,395 - Thank you, and God bless America. - He just fucked me right in the ass! 447 00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:26,955 Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you. 448 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,082 That, too! 449 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,150 Ma'am, it's time to just give up on South Carolina. 450 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,587 - No, no! Move, move! - (GROANS) 451 00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:37,092 Are you kidding me? We can't let Kemi get a foothold in South Carolina. 452 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,547 Think! 453 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:44,145 Oh. I'll... You call Dr. Thomas and you tell him, yeah, 454 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,062 I'll speak before his congregation tomorrow. 455 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:47,889 Ma'am, we need white voters. 456 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,461 - I mean, that's not gonna work. - SELINA: Yeah. 457 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:51,818 It will if I give a speech in support 458 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,863 of local law enforcement and that cop who killed 459 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,111 that kid who threatened him with the candy bar! 460 00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,990 Okay, so you wanna blow a dog whistle in a black church? 461 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,867 I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle 462 00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:04,017 while you're raping somebody. 463 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,249 - (SOFTLY) Exactly. - Speak truth to powerless. 464 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,122 I like that very much. Write that down, Leon. 465 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,703 - I will do that. - Here's the fruit. 466 00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,881 Honeydew? If I wanna pretend to be in the CNN green room, 467 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:16,586 I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and call that Christiane Amanpour. 468 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,889 Jonah-lah! What's this meshugas about you dropping out of the race? 469 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,762 That can't happen. Chicken? 470 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,621 Mr. Tanz, they say that I have no chance of winning. 471 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,136 Who said anything about winning? 472 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,000 You. I thought you said I was gonna be president. 473 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,606 No, you did. 474 00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:32,230 Made me chuckle every time. I never thought you could win. 475 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,960 Well, then why the fuck am I running, sir? 476 00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:35,274 As terribly as you're doing, 477 00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:36,946 you're still winning delegates. 478 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,990 Mostly crazy cuckoos, 479 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,784 but you multiply that by 50 states, 480 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,783 I can force the party to make some tweaks 481 00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,580 to the platform at the convention. 482 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,409 Stricter marijuana laws! Ta-da! 483 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,331 I need potheads in my prisons. 484 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:52,583 Otherwise it's just murderers and rapists. 485 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,290 It makes for a very unpleasant atmosphere. 486 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,716 I wish I'd aborted myself. 487 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,780 Wait, so no one's really trying to make me president? 488 00:18:58,804 --> 00:18:59,804 No. 489 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,617 Wait, so this is all just to keep The Chronic illegal? 490 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,726 Now he gets it! Plus, I need more casino licenses for Macau. 491 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,268 I know it sounds a little specific, 492 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,517 but in the end it'll benefit all Americans. 493 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,307 Toodle-oo! 494 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,649 JORDAN: President Selina Meyer. 495 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,352 - Hello, Reverend. - Good for you, girl. 496 00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:16,653 I can't believe you did this. 497 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,025 - Yeah. - You don't quit. 498 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,027 - No, I don't. - Oh, I like that. 499 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,449 - Do you? Okay. Good. - I do. 500 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,697 - And I love that little hat. - Thank you. 501 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,766 Yeah, this whole congregation's gonna love that little hat. 502 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,156 (CHUCKLES) 503 00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:30,288 Oh, God, I think he has a crush on me. 504 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:31,664 - Yeah. - He does not, ma'am. 505 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:32,915 Oh, come on. 506 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,997 I appreciate your honesty, Marjorie. 507 00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:37,333 - Okay. - I mean, not that it matters. 508 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:41,090 He certainly isn't gonna after I read this manifesto. 509 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,574 Permission to roll your breasts, ma'am? 510 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:43,714 Oh, granted. 511 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,412 JORDAN: Good morning, everybody. 512 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,722 CROWD: Good morning. 513 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,896 Uh, we have a special guest today. 514 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:54,474 I'm pretty sure that you can imagine 515 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:58,232 that I'm a firm supporter of the separation of church and state. 516 00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:01,736 - (CROWD AGREEING) - Because this is the Lord's house. 517 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,158 Not the White House. 518 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:05,452 But soon to be the "Black House." 519 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:06,870 (CROWD CHEERING) 520 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,454 Brothers and sisters, please welcome President Selina Meyer. 521 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,753 - Thank you. Thank you, Reverend. - Mmm-hmm. 522 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,581 - Good morning. - CROWD: Good morning. 523 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:23,387 I don't need to tell you that church is a special place. 524 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:24,533 - JORDAN: That's right. - (CROWD AGREEING) 525 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,800 But it's also a place for truth, isn't it? 526 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,850 That's right. That's right. 527 00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:33,772 And what happened recently in your community 528 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:37,101 to that young boy is very sad. 529 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,647 (CROWD AGREEING) 530 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,446 But here's the hard truth. 531 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:46,410 There are many victims here. 532 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,659 And you might not wanna hear this. 533 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:57,208 But the real victims are the police... 534 00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,039 (CROWD MURMURING) 535 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,340 MAN: Uh-huh. 536 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:02,459 ..."ing." 537 00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:08,220 Policing that America does in the South China Sea. 538 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:09,925 That's right. I went there. 539 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:13,558 It is time for America to recognize 540 00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:17,186 Chinese sovereignty over the Diaoyu Islands 541 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:20,986 and the disputed mineral rights of the surrounding seabed. 542 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:22,562 Can I get an amen? 543 00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,989 - What? - Amen. 544 00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:27,158 Hello, everyone. I'm Mike McLintock, 545 00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:31,033 and Mc-welcome to the first episode of McLintock... I mean "talk." 546 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:33,080 Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive. 547 00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:34,954 We are getting the first national interview 548 00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:37,036 with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor, 549 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,917 who it turns out is not a dog, but a human. 550 00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:41,748 Mayor Richard Splett, are you there? 551 00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:44,300 Hi, Mike. Big fan of the show. 552 00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:47,003 Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? 553 00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:48,133 Oh, I'm no hero. 554 00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,715 I'm just a mayor who now, 555 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,766 temporarily, has a Slurpee machine in his office. 556 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,138 - Well... - I need my iPad. 557 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:55,016 (SIGHS) Mayor Splett, did you realize 558 00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:56,971 what you were doing was so courageous? 559 00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,399 - Oh, good question. - Thank you. It's actually Wendy's. 560 00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:02,023 I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there. 561 00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,924 Except the people who were there and didn't do anything. 562 00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:05,029 You heard it here first. 563 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:09,530 Stick around for more McLintock with Mike McLin-talk. 564 00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:12,116 KEITH: Spare a nanosecond for First Mate Quinn? 565 00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,367 What do you want, Keith? 566 00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,329 - (DOOR CLOSES) - Wow. Okay. 567 00:22:18,212 --> 00:22:20,454 (SPEAKING MANDARIN) 568 00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,582 Uh, is that Mandarin? 569 00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:24,712 Yes, it was. 570 00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:27,465 I happen to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia 571 00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:30,844 who have a strong interest in Sino-American relations, 572 00:22:30,933 --> 00:22:34,768 and they were very, very impressed and delighted by your sermon. 573 00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,832 (CHUCKLES) I don't know what you're talking about... 574 00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:38,688 I would say that we're well past the point 575 00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:40,390 of plausible deniability at this point. 576 00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:43,818 I... You know, I haven't committed to anything... 577 00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:45,691 - Well, actually... - Hi, ma'am. 578 00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:47,092 - Yeah? - Can I share the news with you? 579 00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:48,343 - What? - KENT: You need to hear this. 580 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:52,202 Look. Faith-based initiative just raised $25 million. 581 00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,950 Wow. Way to go, buddy! 582 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,999 - All of a sudden, out of nowhere! - SELINA: What? 583 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,907 - GARY: Anonymously. - Um... Wow. 584 00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,538 Okay, I'll get out of you hair, ma'am. 585 00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:00,914 Okay. 586 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:02,712 It must've been the video I made, right? 587 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,539 Well, I can't think of any other reason. 588 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,833 Well, let's be honest. God had a lot to do with it, too. 589 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,878 - Oh, sure! Yeah. - It's a miracle. 590 00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:11,338 Let's go spend $25 million on some racist robo-calls. 591 00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:12,672 - BEN: Praise the Lord. - Right? 592 00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:14,383 JONAH: Thank you. 593 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,058 You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence 594 00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:21,481 or the tentrament to be president? 595 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:24,104 My very own campaign staff. 596 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,811 - (ALL GASP) - That's right. 597 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:27,737 They have been trying to stop me 598 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:29,134 - from becoming president. - (ALL BOOING) 599 00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:31,195 Yeah, no... Yeah, boo! Let 'em have it. 600 00:23:31,285 --> 00:23:34,449 That is my campaign chair, Amy Brookheimer. 601 00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:37,030 She recently had an abortion. 602 00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:39,662 And that is my chief strategist, Teddy Sykes, 603 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:43,371 and he is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated. 604 00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,672 And that guy right there, 605 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:46,919 that's Eric something. 606 00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:48,170 Bill Ericsson. 607 00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:49,842 That's Eric Bill Ericsson, 608 00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:52,262 and he thinks he's better than everybody else in this room. 609 00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:53,348 (ALL BOOING) 610 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:54,492 I've never seen anything like this. 611 00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:59,011 He's actually running against his own campaign. Macau, here we come. 612 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,518 And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather that... 613 00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:03,724 TEDDY: Father-in-law! 614 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,649 ...from my stupid stepfather-in-law 615 00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:09,195 that math was created by Muslims. 616 00:24:10,616 --> 00:24:14,860 Yeah. And we teach this Islamic math to children. 617 00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:18,288 Math teachers are terrorists. 618 00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:19,615 (ALL GASPING) 619 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:21,495 - I love this. - Okay. That's it. 620 00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:22,985 I may be a registered sex offender, 621 00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:24,286 but I cannot be a part of this. 622 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:25,380 I'm gone. 623 00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:28,377 Algebra? More like Al Jazeera. 624 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:32,837 Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this Sharia math 625 00:24:32,930 --> 00:24:35,593 from being taught to American children. 626 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,619 - Amy, are you coming? - There will be no more math. 627 00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:38,643 One sec. 628 00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:42,971 (ALL CHANTING) No more math! No more math! No more math! 629 00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:44,101 No more math! 630 00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:46,604 God fuck America. 631 00:24:46,694 --> 00:24:49,983 (ALL CHANTING) No more math! No more math! 632 00:24:50,072 --> 00:24:52,815 - No more math! No more math! - (GROANS) 633 00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:54,820 No more math! 634 00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:58,153 No... Are you... She's fine. She's fine. 635 00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:00,767 Well, I'll tell you one thing. 636 00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:02,202 If we lose, it certainly won't be 637 00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,955 for lack of touching people in a Denny's. 638 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:07,879 - All right. So, how's the turnout? - BEN: Like my prostate. 639 00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:09,685 Mostly black and much larger than we'd like. 640 00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:10,717 Oh, shit. 641 00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:13,669 We're seeing unprecedented levels of African-American voter engagement. 642 00:25:13,762 --> 00:25:17,221 All right. Well, that's terrible, but also inspiring. 643 00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,549 Welcome to McLintock Embedded. 644 00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:20,704 - Oh. We're live. - Madam President, 645 00:25:20,728 --> 00:25:22,414 would you like to say something to our viewers? 646 00:25:22,438 --> 00:25:24,758 - Sure, if you haven't voted, please... - (PHONE VIBRATING) 647 00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:27,558 Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call. I apologize, it's Wendy. 648 00:25:27,651 --> 00:25:28,651 Oh. 649 00:25:28,777 --> 00:25:30,769 Hey. No, now is a good time. 650 00:25:30,863 --> 00:25:33,071 - What's up? - Can't buy that kind of press. 651 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:34,898 - I'm sorry. - I need to talk to you. 652 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:35,992 Sparkling water, ma'am? 653 00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:37,192 Yes. Oh, perfect. 654 00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,119 Close the door. 655 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:46,122 Okay. Ben, I sold my soul to the Chinese for a lousy $25 million. 656 00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:47,577 Ma'am, I warned you. 657 00:25:47,671 --> 00:25:49,128 You cannot trust the Chinese. 658 00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:51,080 I married enough of them to know that. 659 00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:52,336 Wait, isn't your wife Korean? 660 00:25:52,426 --> 00:25:54,509 Maybe. Fog of war. 661 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:55,631 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 662 00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:57,254 Ma'am. You wanna see this. 663 00:25:57,347 --> 00:25:58,347 Something's happening. 664 00:25:58,432 --> 00:25:59,826 REPORTER: (ON TV) ...poll watchers are reporting 665 00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:03,514 that over 48,000 black voters were turned away 666 00:26:03,604 --> 00:26:05,891 because their middle initials on the voter rolls 667 00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:08,098 did not match their identification. 668 00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:09,992 SELINA: Wait, what? DAN: Yeah, listen to this. 669 00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:11,901 "Widespread power outages across the state, 670 00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,728 "and police are urging residents 671 00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,300 "to stay at home for their own safety." 672 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:16,906 "The outages seem to be occurring 673 00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,359 "primarily in African American neighborhoods." 674 00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:20,614 It's a total blackout. 675 00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:22,445 - Okay, Ben! - MIKE: Oh, ma'am, big news. 676 00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:23,905 - Wendy just got a call. - What? 677 00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:25,706 We're gonna adopt another baby from China! 678 00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:27,604 You know, I think it's that secret message that I... 679 00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:29,244 No, no! (MUMBLES) 680 00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:31,871 - Move! - Okay, okay! 681 00:26:31,965 --> 00:26:33,125 MAN: We got three hours left. 682 00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:34,652 I'll call the Precinct Captains right now. 683 00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,508 MAN: We can turn this! 684 00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:40,179 I think the Chinese just delivered. 685 00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,552 And? 686 00:26:44,728 --> 00:26:47,971 Thank you, South Carolina! 687 00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:53,977 We had an amazing turnout on our side. 688 00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:56,813 Yeah! 689 00:26:57,825 --> 00:27:00,488 And you know how I like to celebrate when I win? 690 00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:01,577 CROWD: How? 691 00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:04,154 By winning some more! 692 00:27:04,248 --> 00:27:05,248 DAN: Balloons. 693 00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:07,039 (MUSIC PLAYING) 694 00:27:16,677 --> 00:27:18,634 (INAUDIBLE) 695 00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:23,264 From now on, I do what I want, 696 00:27:23,350 --> 00:27:26,593 I take what I want, whenever I want it. 697 00:27:27,688 --> 00:27:29,395 "New Selina Now." 698 00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:30,938 Let's watch my victory speech again. 699 00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:32,310 - Yeah. Uh... - Yeah. 700 00:27:34,194 --> 00:27:35,981 I don't have the remote. 701 00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:38,654 Oh, it's on the table by the chair. 702 00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:41,907 So go get it. 703 00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:50,412 - Good morning, ma'am. - Good morning. 704 00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:52,334 Hey, Marjorie, look at my eyes. 705 00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:54,253 Tell me straight. Do they look okay to you? 706 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:55,705 They look very puffy, ma'am. 707 00:27:55,841 --> 00:27:57,423 - (SCOFFS) - GARY: (STUTTERING) Hey. 708 00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,112 Hey, good morning. Morning, ma'am. Marjorie. 709 00:27:59,136 --> 00:28:00,422 - Morning. - Gary. 710 00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,003 - Hey, Gary? - Yeah. 711 00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:03,338 Do my eyes look puffy to you? 712 00:28:03,974 --> 00:28:05,806 I'm surprised they let you run for president, 713 00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:07,885 because you look 34, tops. 714 00:28:08,896 --> 00:28:09,932 Yeah. 715 00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:12,375 - Marjorie, you're out. - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 716 00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:14,106 And you're back in. 717 00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:16,254 Okay? You just go back to whatever you were doing before. 718 00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:18,006 - Finance Chair. - All right, well, whatever. 719 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:19,841 So who's in charge of the faith-based outreach now? 720 00:28:19,865 --> 00:28:21,197 - Not it. - You are. 721 00:28:21,283 --> 00:28:22,677 - Oh, I am? Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah. You still are. 722 00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:24,567 And Keith Quinn'll help you out too, I think. 723 00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,529 Yes, there you go. So, your name will be all over it. 724 00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:29,615 Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary. 725 00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:31,588 - Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with her. - Let's go. 726 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:36,750 Congratulations, Gary. The better woman won. 727 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:37,840 I'll take that. 728 00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:40,833 Thank you. 729 00:28:40,928 --> 00:28:42,260 I moved some things around. 730 00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:44,338 Oh, did you? (CHUCKLES) 731 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:46,555 - Wow. It looks better. - Mmm-hmm. 732 00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:48,554 The tampons are vertical, that's brilliant... 733 00:28:48,644 --> 00:28:50,180 - SELINA: Gary? - Yep? 734 00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:52,808 Shouldn't you be pre-chewing my mother's food for her? 735 00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:54,560 I told her her eyes looked puffy. 736 00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:55,772 (GASPS) 737 00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:57,066 Thank you, chipmunk. 738 00:28:57,152 --> 00:28:58,438 You're welcome, Catherine. 739 00:29:00,572 --> 00:29:02,175 KEITH: Hey-O, Dan-O! You busting out of here? 740 00:29:02,199 --> 00:29:04,191 Yeah, yeah. Oh, I need an itinerary. 741 00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:07,493 Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign. 742 00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:08,990 And? 743 00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,119 Wait, I'm fired? 744 00:29:14,169 --> 00:29:15,501 Per fucking who? 745 00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:16,587 Per Selina. 746 00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:17,672 I believe her words were, 747 00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:19,543 "If I need another Washington douche, 748 00:29:19,633 --> 00:29:21,340 "I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid." 749 00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:23,668 You should flip through your NDA. 750 00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:26,800 If you breathe a word of anything, to anyone, 751 00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:28,006 we'll slit your throat. 752 00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:30,800 Later, gator! 753 00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:37,811 Congressman Ryan placed a distant third last night. 754 00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,212 Where does the campaign go from here? 755 00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:42,354 Third place was a massive win for us. 756 00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:45,281 Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot can feel Jonah Ryan 757 00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:46,608 breathing down their necks. 758 00:29:46,702 --> 00:29:49,285 Jonah Ryan said he's been lying to everyone the whole time. 759 00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:50,737 Why should anyone trust him now? 760 00:29:50,831 --> 00:29:53,289 Frankly, Jonah Ryan is the only candidate 761 00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:55,788 who's honest about his dishonesty. 762 00:29:55,877 --> 00:30:00,167 And that is why Jonah Ryan is the next President of the United States. 763 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,715 Speaking as someone who's covered politics for 20 years, 764 00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:04,793 - Jonah Ryan terrifies me. - That's your opinion. 765 00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:07,003 I find his mindless, toxic fear-mongering 766 00:30:07,097 --> 00:30:10,340 a dangerous addition to our already divisive political climate. 767 00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:11,434 Again, your opinion. 768 00:30:11,518 --> 00:30:13,009 Tomorrow morning, we will be live 769 00:30:13,103 --> 00:30:15,390 with exclusive coverage of Congressman Ryan's rally 770 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:18,268 in Youngstown, Ohio, only on CNN.