Original subtitles

(Don Pardo speaking) NBC now returns to its coverage

of the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings

on the confirmation of Judge Clarence Thomas.

(Sound of gavel)

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, please.

(Laughter and applause)

Professor Hill, I wanna thank you

for your patience here today.

You’ve shown remarkable courage throughout your testimony.

It couldn’t have been easy for you or any of us to sit here

for the last seven hours and talk about the penis size.

(Laughter)

Or large breasted woman having sex with animals.

Or pubic hairs on soft drink cans.

Or oral sex.

Or the black man sexual prowess.

Or large breasted woman having sex with animals.

But we appreciate your candor.

(Laughter and applause)

And uh---

(Applause)

we hope we can reschedule you for another

session tomorrow.

(Laughter)

Thank you, Senator.

The committee at this time would like to call

Judge Clarence Thomas.

Judge Thomas?

Judge Thomas, we’re sorry to have to bring you back

but as you know, some very serious allegations

have been made by our previous witness.

First of all I’d like to say that these proceedings

are a travesty.

Mhmm. I understand that.

But you did ask, Ms. Hill out on a date?

Uhm, yes I did.

(Laughter)

And she refused?

That’s correct.

How did you go about asking her out on this date?

I’m not sure I know what you mean, Senator.

Well, did you just go right up and ask her or did you have one

of her friends tell her that you thought she was cute?

I just walked right up and asked her.

(Laughter)

Were you uh---

(Cheers and applause)

were you drunk at the time?

(Loud laughter and applause)

No, I was not.

(Laughter)

But she wouldn’t go out with you?

No.

Was she aware that as her boss you could have her fired?

She must have been.

(Laughter)

And she still didn’t go out with you?

Now, Judge Thomas, there have been charges by Professor Hill

that you talked casually with her

about graphic scenes in porno movies, is that true?

Yes, it is.

And did that work? Did it break the ice?

(Laughter)

No, Senator. It actually offended her.

Hmm---

(Laughter)

What porno movie did you talk about?

(Cheers and applause)

Well, I mainly spoke about a favorite of mine called

The Hind Lick Maneuver.

(Laughter and applause)

That’s a good movie, Judge.

(Laughter)

But do you think hard core porno is the way to go?

’Cause I feel women prefer softer porn.

Senator Thurmond?

I agree with Senator Heflin.

(Laughter)

Yeah, that’s right.

Women like some with more stories and costumes

that will transport them to another place and time.

That’s right.

Their inhibitions are often loosened by a skit

when they are allowed to fantasize in another era.

Women don’t like closed ships or oversized genitalia

that just never gonna turn them on.

(Laughter and applause)

Eh uh, another good thing is to get them out of your boat

for some reason---

(Laughter)

because uh, because---

then it’s really hard for them to get away.

(Laughter and applause)

Do you have a question, Senator Kennedy?

Uh, yes I do.

Uh, have you ever tried coming out of the bathroom nude

and acting like you didn’t know someone was there?

(Laughter)

Uh, no.

Well that’s too bad because that works, too.

(Laughter)

Uhm, Judge.

Judge Thom-Judge Thomas, are you aware of that division

of our government known as the Criminal Justice Department?

Of course I am, Senator.

Well you know when you walk in the main entrance

of the Criminal Justice Building there’s this receptionist

with short, brown hair.

The one in the third desk on the left?

No, no.

The one at the big circular desk right there in the center there.

Oh yes, Sandy.

Yeah. Sandy.

Do you think she’d go out with me?

(Laughter and applause)

Well Senator Simon, not knowing your technique I feel

it would be unfair for me to prejudge your chances with her.

Uh-huh.

You think it’s the bow tie then huh?

Senator Simon!

Women just don’t like the bow tie, do they?

Senator Simon, please.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Judge Thomas, I’d like to thank you for your testimony.

You’ve been forthcoming and may I say, it’s been an education.

Thank you, Senator.

The committee calls its next witness.

Sir, would you please state your name?

Long Dong Silver.

(Cheers and applause)

Mr. Silver, we apologize for calling you back one more time,

but many of us at the committee are admirers of your work

and uh, frankly, we could just listen to you all day.

Uh, we understand you have a statement?

Oh, yes, I do.

Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!

(Loud cheers and applause) (Music)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey!

Chris Farley!

Phil Hartman!

Victoria Jackson!

Mike Myers!

Kevin Nealon!

Chris Rock!

Julia Sweeney!

with Ellen Cleghorne!

Siobhan Fallon!

Tim Meadows!

Adam Sandler!

Rob Schneider!

David Spade!

And featuring Al Franken!

G. E. Smith and The Saturday Night Live Band!

Musical Guest, Tom Petty and The Heart Breakers!

And starring Kirstie Alley!

Ladies and gentlemen, Kirstie Alley!

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

You know, I gotta tell you that it’s been great hosting

Saturday Night Live.

You know, I mean the people here have been so terrific to me

all week long, you know?

It almost feels like a family.

But, I mean, as wonderful as everybody’s been,

I’m just a little homesick from my own TV family.

Of course I’m talking about Cheers.

(Wild cheers and applause)

I just-for some reason, I mean I really miss those guys.

You know, it’s nice to have people like that in your life.

It’s like the song, making your way in the world today.

Takes everything you’ve got.

(Piano playing)

* Taking a break--- *

(Choking of emotions) * from all your worries *

* sure would help a lot--- *

(Laughter)

* Wouldn’t you like to get away? *

(Cheers and applause)

* Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. *

Willie, come down here!

* And they’re always glad you came. *

(Cheers and applause)

* You wanna go where people go. Troubles are all the same. *

* You wanna go where we gonna go. *

(Wild cheers and applause)

Wow!

You know these guys, these guys are the b-the best friends

that anybody could ever have.

Oh you don’t think we like to do the show without us?

Yeah, come one. Now give us a hug.

Now we---

Oh! Wait!

You know-oh! You know something else?

We have something else in common besides being on Cheers.

We’ve all hosted this show.

That’s right!

Yeah!

Uh, excuse me.

(Laughter)

I have never hosted this show.

Why, you’re gonna love doing this.

We were the only cowboys-

I remember that you were so good!

I got to work with live pigs.

Yeah!

Don’t forget me, Mer the boss, The Bears.

That was good!

Yeah, that was good.

You were great.

I’ve never hosted the show.

You know what?

It is really, really sweet of you guys to do this.

Thank you for coming.

Okay.

Bye-bye!

You’re gonna love the show.

You know I have to get on with the show because

I need to you know, keep it rolling.

It will be fun.--I know.

I hope so. I hope so.

I also have to do a big costume change so---

Well, right on.

Yeah, go on.

We can take care of it. We’ll cover for you.

Wait, hold there a second.

Wait, wait. No, wait, wait.

If you guys just go back to your seats

and I mean I can do the show.

Well, you know, what’s left to do?

Well, she’s gotta say, we got a great show!

Tom Penny and The Heart Breakers!

Ted!

Yes!

(Loud cheers and applause)

Ted?

I wanted to introduce Tom Petty.

I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.

I was suppose to say that.

I’m sorry. Go ahead.

Now I don’t want to.

Well you gotta say, we’ll be right back!

Oh! Great!

Why don’t you just finish it for me?

Just do the whole show. You guys know how.

Oh no, no, no.

No, you guys do it!

I mean you’ve all hosted the show.

You know, just I have never hosted the show!

(Laughter and applause)

Never!

But I could.

(Laughter)

(Piano playing)

* You wanna go where people know. *

* Your troubles are all the same. *

* You wanna go where everybody knows your name. *

Tom Petty is here and the Heart Breakers!

We’ll be right back!

(Loud cheers and applause)

Hi.

If you’re like me the last thing you wanna do after a long day

of work is prepare a complete dinner just for yourself.

(Phil Hartman speaking) Sheila Caldwell, single professional on eating alone.

Did you know there’s a new line of microwave cuisine

prepared especially for single professionals?

New Lonely Choice One Step Meals.

With 20 delicious selections for even

the most discriminating taste.

Like the tempting Holiday For One.

Hot turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry pie,

even pumpkin pie for dessert.

A holiday feast any time of year.

Or if you’re feeling daring,

there’s the Mexican Fiesta Platter.

A zingy cheese enchilada, refried refried beans

and saucy apple tart dessert.

With an over-the-counter sleep aid on the top.

And of course, there’s the Old Maid Liver and Onions

with lima beans and an Oreo Cookie dessert.

So don’t dine at home alone.

Invite the folks at Lonely Choice

to prepare a meal especially for you.

New Lonely Choice single serving microwave meals.

Easy.

Delicious.

Comforting.

Lonely Choice.

We’ve taken the "difficult" out of "difficult and sad".

(Laughter and applause)

Hey, this looks alright huh?

Oh see?

I knew it would be great.

Welcome to Il Cantore.

So nice to see you again!

Well actually, this is our first time here.

Oh Signor, bellissima! This is a special night.

Okay.

We’re Kirkpatrick.

Kirkpatrick!

Reservation for two.

Kirkpatrick, reservation for two!

It’s right here. Dinner for two.

Signora bellissima!

Let me take your coat huh?

No, no, no. Don’t worry about your coat.

I’ll take your coat. Bellissima!

(Laughter)

It is so nice for you to spend your birthday with us!

Bellissima!

Oh it isn’t my birthday.

Anniversary?

Anniversary!

Bellissima!

No, it’s not. It’s not our anniversary.

Oh, you want to make a special table for you. Alright, I’ll make it up for you

or you can wait at the bar for about five minutes.

Oh, that sounds really great.

Oh Signor, bellissima! Come, have a drink!

We’ll just sit down anywhere. Anywhere is just fine.

Hungry man yeah? (Laughs)

And bellissima! (Kisses her loud)

Come and sit down! Sit down, bellissima!

This are nice for you, bellissima.

Yeah right. Sit down right there, yeah.

There you go , little ma’am. I’ll be right back.

Sit down, take it easy. Okay.

How are you? Listen, listen, Louise---

How are you two doing huh?

Bellissima!

I told you I’ll take care of you.

This is Carlo. He is our best man.

I tell him "anniversarary"!

So this is the "anniversiary"!

Okay. I leave you on good hands, Signor.

Bellissima.

(Laughter)

Oh look, would you mind---?

Tonight we have special anniversary dish for you.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Would you mind not-

Oh you don’t have appetizer.

Fabio!

Bring appetizer!

Here is a brusquette.

Is a diced tomato on a toasty bread.

And antipasto for Signore. And bellissima.

Oh, yes.

Hey, hey! What are you doing?

What’s the matter? You don’t like brusquette?

Carlo! What do you bring them?

I told Fabio to bring brusquette and antipasto

for Signore and bellissima.

What? Antipasto for anniversary?

Casa bere! Su car bere!

I’m so sorry antipasto.

That’s not the problem.

No, no, no. I know, I know.

Listen, I make a special tuna Carpaccio for you.

Pertini pertilicious!

Oh, now that sounds really good.

Oh you like? Oh good.

I’ll make a Carpaccio for you, bellissima.

You’ll like, bellissima.

Hey, hey, hey! Look! Come on! Excuse me!

Uno momento! This is getting---

Really out of hand here.

Hey!

Excuse me!

Hello?

Hey!

I know, I know, Signor. Soon, Carpaccio!

I have to check another table, alright!

(Laughter)

This is ridiculous.

They’re grossing all over you.

No, honey. It’s just their custom.

(Loud laughter and applause)

Honey, you know people in Europe are just a little lot more open

than we are.

I don’t care what they do in Europe.

This is our country and it doesn’t seem right.

This is their restaurant, okay?

And a very famous one!

Please, honey!

Don’t embarrass me.

I’ll try, I’ll try. It’s just---

(Laughter)

Okay! Okay! Okay!

(Wild laughter and applause)

Carpaccio.

Very clean, very fresh, very nice.

Hey, hey, hey!

Get away-get away from my wife with that!

What’s the matter? Carpaccio no good?

What? What you do now?

They don’t like Carpaccio!

They try Carpaccio?

No!

No! You try!

Oh, you better try Carpaccio.

I know don’t like unless you try.

Now for the last time it’s not the food!

You have no water!

Fabio! Pellegrino!

(Cheers and applause)

Pellegrino for Signore.

And for bellissima.

That’s it.

Hey! Hey!

Alright! That’s it! We are out of here.

Come on!

Bellissima!

No! No! I don’t like you.

Bellissima!

Bellissima!

Hey, come on!

Well I hope you’re proud of yourself.

What are you talking about, honey?

Those guys are creeps!

I thought they were sweet.

Now look how upset they are!

(Screaming)

Forget it! Just forget it! I’m not going back in there.

Well then, where are we gonna eat?

I’m still hungry.

There’s a Greek restaurant across the street.

Let’s go there!

(Laughter and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

* Happy birthday, dear Pat. *

* Happy birthday to you. *

Yay, Pat!

Make a wish! Make a wish!

(Blows the candles)

What a wonderful surprise! (Laughs funny)

* A lot of people say, "what’s that?" *

* It’s Pat. *

* A lot of people ask, "who’s he? *

* Or she." *

* Ma’am or sir. *

* Accept him or her, or whatever it might be. *

* It’s time for androgyny. Here comes Pat! *

(Applause)

So how old are you, Pat?

30 something. (Laughs funny)

I guess time is ticking away.

Oh like a biological clock huh?

Do you have one of those?

Or it probably doesn’t matter.

Or uhm, you could wait until you’re 60 to start a family.

Uh, I mean, could you?

Well, before I start a family I need a special someone!

(Laughter)

Well, what about your lover, Chris?

Since it’s my birthday, I’ll be open with you.

I was in love with someone who is not what he appeared to be.

And what was it that Chris appeared to be exactly?

A decent human being!

I’m sorry, really.

Earlier when I mentioned your having a family it’s just that

I think you’d make a really great mo-- father... role model!

Not after the childhood I had.

I came from a broken home.

(Having sad reaction) Aww.

Huh!

Problems with your folks?

Their parenting skills were abysmal!

But in retrospect I still love them. They tried.

(Laughter)

Pat, would you say you’re more like your mother or father?

I’m a perfect combination of both!

(Laughter)

Pat, did your parents give you anything for your birthday?

Oh, I’m sure they’ll give me the usual clothes from the Gap.

(Laughter)

Pat, your mo-fa-somebody’s here.

Your mo-fa-somebody.

Which one?

I can’t te-

Me!

Oh, Francis, come here. Everybody this is Francis.

This is Jim and Phil and Christy.

(Both laugh funny)

Nice to meet you.

Hi, how are you?

Hello, everybody!

Wow!

Look at the two of you.

(Both laugh funny)

You look so long-so young you could be si-si-si-siblings

(All laugh funny)

I gotta go back to work.

Oh, me, too!

I just came by to take you to a little birthday lunch.

Just the two of us.

Alright.

But, I have to clean up my desk first.

(Laughs funny)

(Laughs funny)

So, Francis.

You must be proud of your---

Pat.

Yes, I am.

Everything you could want in a child.

So, it’s Pat’s birthday huh?

The day that Pat was born.

You must remember that day pretty well huh?

Yes, I do.

Well, was it difficult?

The labor?

The waiting-the waiting for the labor?

I don’t know. I passed out.

And the next thing I knew the doctor said, "congratulations!

It’s a baby!"

(Laughter and applause)

(Laughs funny)

(Laughter)

And I look and there was a tiny helpless bad!

I’m ready!

Oh you should get your coat. It’s cold outside.

Oh, come on!

Well, who got up on the wrong side of bed today?

I’m a grown up. Leave me alone!

Well you start behaving like a grown up

and maybe I’ll treat you like a grown up!

Listen, maybe I should leave.

No, no, stay. I want you to hear the madness!

(Laughter)

You listen to me, Pat.

Raising you alone hasn’t been easy.

I’ve had to be both mother and father to you.

(Laughter)

You know, every since Jean ran off with that---

(Laughter)

thing!

Oh I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

(Laughter)

I just wanted to have lunch with you.

Yeah, see? There, there now. Everything’s gonna be okay.

It’s my birthday! I just wanna celebrate!

Well, we are!

We are cel-hey everybody! Come on!

(Both laugh funny)

* For he-she’s a jolly good fe-person. *

* For Pat’s a jolly good person. *

* For Pat’s a jolly good person which nobody can deny. *

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Phil Hartman) And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking) Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke".

But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

(Laughter)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) Weekend Update

with Kevin Nealon.

(Cheers and applause)

Good evening!

I’m Kevin Nealon. And I’m an alcoholic.

(Laughter)

(Sigh) Our top story tonight

is obviously the Judge Thomas Senate Hearings.

More on that after this.

Well the blockbuster Home Alone once again

top the home video rental charts

with new comers King Ralph and Long Dong Silver

hitting the top 5 for the first time.

Now back to our lead story.

Most people seem to agree that one good thing has come out

of the Clarence Thomas Hearings.

A better awareness of the word, "harassment".

"...charge of sexual harassment."

"Harassment." "Harassment."

"Harassment."

Frankly I prefer Harass-ment.

But that’s just me. (Laughter)

In an earlier interview, Clarence Thomas stated that

he wanted to be a Supreme Court Judge because he feels

wearing the robe is sexy.

(Laughter)

Well, Senator Joseph Biden was labeled racist

at the Clarence Thomas Confirmation hearing last week

when he introduced Clarence Thomas as, "weighing at 220 lbs"

in a blue coat and red tie, Clarence "The Natural" Thomas."

(Laughter)

In her first appearance at the Thomas hearings yesterday

Anita Hill accused eight TV and radio networks of sexual harassment

by the placement of the microphones.

(Laughter and applause)

Now this is an editorial.

Sexual harassment was declared illegal

by the Supreme Court 1986.

The alleged Thomas Clarence - Anita Hill harassment

took place in 1982.

So it was in fact legal then.

(Laughter)

What’s all the fuzz about?

Thank you.

(Laughter and applause)

I actually quit harassing in 1986.

I’m new dope.

In a late breaking story Anita Hill has revealed that she was

also sexual harassed by Rosanne Arnold’s father.

More on that later.

(Laughter)

Here with a different view on the Clarence Thomas situation

is Saturday Night Live News correspondent Chris Rock.

Chris?

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Kevin.

Now we know one of them is lying but which one?

I don’t know but I know one thing,

Clarence Thomas could have picked a much better

looking woman to blow his career off.

Okay?

I mean, doesn’t she kinda look like Helen Willis

from The Jeffersons?

(Laughter)

Now Robert Bork was rejected because he was too arrogant.

And if Clarence Thomas gets rejected it’ll be because

he likes to watch big breasted women have sex with animals

and tell people.

Now is that so wrong?

I mean if I saw a big breasted woman having sex with an animal

I’d have to tell somebody.

(Laughter)

I’d tell my mother!

Now would that be harassing my mother?

I mean if you can’t tell your mother, who can you tell?

Oh man. And Anita Hill.

Who is this woman, Anita Hill?

Isn’t this the same woman they caught smoking crack

with Mary and Barry? I mean, you know?

I think someone should run a cross check on this.

Okay?

Now one thing Clarence Thomas is definitely guilty of

is using bad pick up lines.

I mean, hey, is that hair-pubic hair on your coke?

Come on!

Has that ever worked?

(Laughter)

I mean, he’s like he’s trying to put a new spin on that

"hey I got chocolate on my peanut butter".

Taste great, okay?

I know like I’m sounding with Thomas,

I know it sounds like I’m on his side.

But the fact is he never ever touched her and he’s gonna lose

a position in Supreme Court and didn’t even get to sleep

with her.

And that’s the real tragedy.

Now the one thing that actually wins-the only person that

actually wins out of this whole thing is Long Dong Silver.

A fine actor who’s finally getting recognition that

he really deserves.

Thank you, Kevin.

Chris Rock, folks. Chris Rock!

(Cheers and applause)

Peter Arnet.

The high profile journalist from CNN has just learned

that the Gulf War ended over six months ago.

The disgruntled newsman will return to the States today.

Well Japan now plans to offer the Soviet Union

an A package worth 2.5 Billion dollars.

Amazingly the package will be small enough to fit

in the palm of your hand.

Be interesting to see that.

Descendants of Christopher Columbus are up in arms

following accusations that he was a terrible failure

in administering the lands he came upon

while searching for the new world.

They call these allegations a high-tech flogging for up

of the explorers.

(Laughter)

Earlier this week, the UN Inspection Team forced

the Iraqis to destroy two super guns that were under development

when operational, the huge guns could have been capable

of waving a white flag big enough to be seen 200 miles away.

(Laughter and applause)

Last week’s check-bouncing scandal in the House and this

week’s awkward mishandling of the Thomas Confirmation

by the Senate have increased calls for the legislation

that would limit the number of terms congressmen could serve.

Here to advocate such term limitation is Victoria Jackson.

Victoria?

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you.

For years, critics of congress have been advocating term

limitations and I must say that I have been-to put it

mildly-skeptical.

Do we really want to lose the expertise of

our most experienced legislators?

And who will fill the power vacuum when the Tim Follies,

the Dante Facels and the Lee Hamiltons are forced

into early retirement.

The special interest packs?

Well these are the kind of questions Victoria Jackson

was asking in 1989, 1990 and even early 91.

But you know what?

The Victoria Jackson of October 1991 is asking one thing.

How do we throw the bums out?

If you ask me, these latest scandals are a cry for help.

"Throw us out, please!"

These jerks seem to be saying.

Well I say it’s time for some tough love.

Three two year terms and out.

Let’s give congress back to the people!

(Cheers and applause)

Very interesting.

Victoria, that was very impassioned.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Now, you said "Three, two year terms and out."

Is that just for the House?

Or---

Uhm. Uh. I guess so. Uhm. I---

I’m not sure.

I mean, that would you limit the Senate to one 6-year term?

Uhm, okay.

I didn’t really write this.

I don’t know what I’m talking about.

(Laughter)

Okay. Thank you, Victoria.

Victoria Jackson! Our Capital Hill correspondent.

(Cheers and applause)

Exxon will have to pay a Alaska over a billion dollars to settle

a latest lawsuit since the E. Valdez oil spill.

The company has come up with a new defense

with every lawsuit issue.

This time explaining that they were only trying

to grease up the coast line so boats could

get in and out of the harbor more easily.

(Laughter and applause)

This week the Alaska Chamber of Commerce reported that

the current drop in tourism to Alaska is not due

to the Exxon-Valdez oil spill, but to Alaska’s

minimum of daylight hours, leaving the state in darkness

for much of the year.

In an effort to boost tourism, Air Alaska is offering

a special tour package.

For 200 dollars roundtrip, you fly to Anchorage

where you’ll stay 5 nights and 6 nights.

(Laughter and applause)

Montana underwent surgery this week and so far the results

are encouraging.

As you can see, Billings was removed leaving a 200-mile scar

which would heal nicely and Butte had some polyps excised.

Montana should be back in the Union

by next Spring I would imagine.

And this story from California: A San Francisco man

was acquitted of drunk driving this week

after he convinced the jury that he was a fire eater.

And what policed smelled on his breath was kerosene,

he uses in his act.

A similar case was reported last month where a sword swallower

was accidentally arrested for prostitution.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, the baseball play offs is underway

and here with all the highlights

is Weekend Update Sports anchor, Phil Perry.

Or as we call him, the Big P.

(Cheers and applause)

Thanks, Kevin.

Okay! Let’s get right to it.

Folks in County Stadium in Atlanta Pirates-Braves

and folks, it was a home run derby.

Okay.

First batter of the game Orlando Merced.

He says, hello Atlanta!

I’m getting this game started in a hurry.

Solo homer. Pirates lead, one-nothing.

But in the bottom of the any.

Here’s Greg Olsen. He says, not so fast Orland!

I’m gonna take matters into my own hands.

Two run homer, Braves lead, four-one.

Okay, we go to the fourth man on second, Rafael Billiard says,

wait a minute!

If I can hit the ball down the middle I can move and run

over the third base.

That way I can sacrifice Flag and bring the runner home.

But Greg Olsen says, hold on! I’m coming home right now.

Billiard says, fine with me! Braves up, six-one.

Okay, bottom of the seventh, Ron Gant says,

tie a bow on this one, folks!

I’m leaving no doubt.

Turn out the lights!

This one is history.

Excuse me, Big P. It’s a big party time! We won!

Big P.! Big P.! They lost.

Excuse me, Big P.

Yeah, Kevin?

You’re going a little board, aren’t you?

What do you mean, my friend?

Well, these players---

They’re not saying everything you’re saying.

They’re just-they’re playing.

Buddy, I’m gonna have to prove you wrong.

Just take a closer look with sound.

Uhm, I’m going to get this one started in a hurry.

(Laughter)

Tie a bow on this one, folks.

I’m leaving no doubt.

(Laughter)

Oh, I’m sorry Big P. I guess I was wrong. Sorry.

Hey, no problem, Kevin.

Here’s open your next T shot at straight on the fair way.

Alright, thanks. The Big P., everyone!

(Cheers and applause)

Very good! Very nice!

Thanks, Kevin.

Federal Reserve has reported this week that one in five

high school students carries a gun or a knife.

Fortunately, the other four are drop outs.

(Laughter)

The new Sikorsky RAH 60 helicopter,

one on display at Sikorsky Airport on Tuesday,

after a test flight on Wednesday it was determined

that the stairs may have to be eliminated.

(Laughter)

The New York Public Library has announced that it will

discontinue the new drive-thru book return

until further notice.

(Laughter)

Well, the already excruciating Ironman Triathlon held

in Hawaii each year has added another segment

to the swimming, cycling and running.

Starting this year, the competitors will be allowed

to shoot at their opponents.

(Laughter)

Dyslexic readers in New York went into shock Saturday

when they picked up the daily news proclaiming war.

I’m sure somebody will explain.

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me!

(Cheers and applause) (Music)

(Woman speaking) Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Linda Richman.

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

I’m the guest host, Linda Richman.

My friend, the regular host, Paul Baldwin asked me to fill

in this week.

Long story short, he’s going to recover nicely.

Now, I don’t know from coffee.

It gives me shmilkis in my gonectigazoink.

(Laughter)

And it aggravates my hiatus-hernia.

So this week’s show is dedicated to the best entertainer

in the history of show business, Barbara Streisand.

Barbra Joan Streisand.

Yes. This is my best friend, Sheila.

Hello!

I know her since I am six.

Six!

And this is my husband, Sol.

What?

What what?

That’s all I get? I get a what. Calling you a slob!

Sheila, Sheila.

I said I would drive you here so I drove.

What, I gotta talk too?

What you’re a mute slob?

Sol, where did you park?

I cycled off for 20 minutes then I found a beautiful place

next to H and H Bagels.

The best bagels in the city. They’re like butter.

Okay, back to Barbs.

She’s coming out with a new movie, Prince of Tides.

And did you know, by the way, that Barbs and I

are exactly the same age?

Me, too.

But I ask you, is this the body of a 50 year-old lady?

You know, I would die for her hands.

They’re like butter.

I however have Toddy Phil’s hands.

He’s by the way dead.

Very dead. Now let’s talk.

Why do we love Barbra Streisand so much?

Is it because she’s so ballsy and brash?

No, it isn’t.

The reason we love Barbra is because this, she got out.

Now, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina.

And my mother said to me, Sheila,

you are a poor misguide from Brooklyn, with a hook nose.

You will never ever be a ballerina.

And like a shmuck, I listened.

Barbra, no! She, no! Barbra got out!

Excuse me, I’m a little emotional about this right now.

Sol, kerchief.

I got valves.

Listening to your story, I’m a little fahklemptmyself.

Oh, here.

Just a little fahklempt. Hold on.

Talk amongst yourselves.

There, I’m better.

You’re right. She got out.

But me, I married a adagio dancer with turquoise hair

and carpal tunnel syndrome.

Couldn’t even open a door, may he rest in peace.

Okay. Now, let’s go to the phones.

The number is 555-4444.

4-4-4-4. That’s four 4s.

Four to the power of four. Welcome to Coffee Talk.

Hello, you’re on the air.

(Woman speaking) Hello. First of all, I hope Paul’s okay.

He just got a bit of the gonectigazoink.

No big whoop.

Good.

You know Barbra has a new back set collection

of all her recordings.

Yes, I knew that.

And it contains just about every song she ever sang.

It’s a beautiful thing. It’s like butter.

Does it have the song from The Way We Were?

Does it?

It has all the songs including, may I?

Oh, please, do.

* Memories! *

* Like the corners of your--- *

(Giggles)

Wonderful. It’s like butter, her voice.

(Laughter)

And do you remember the scene at the end of The Way We Were?

I wept over scenes Robert Redford getting into a cab

I front of the plaza.

Oh, God she has.

He’s moving the hair from his face.

Hubble!

Don’t go, Hubble!

Hubble, come back!

Come back!

Oh, God, Robert Redford.

What a beautiful, uh---

He has a beautiful goyashiponem.

(Laughter)

It makes you wanna have Christmas!

(Laughter)

You know, I would buy you a tree.

Okay, thank you for your call. Alright. It was a beautiful scene.

Again, I’m just a little fahklempt.

(Laughter)

A little emotional, a little fahklempt.

Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves.

(Laughter)

I’ll give you a topic.

The Progressive Era was neither progressive nor an era.

Discuss.

(Laughter)

Okay.

I feel better. Who knew?

(Laughter)

Now.

As we were saying, Barbra has a new movie coming out,

Prince of Tideswith-go figure-Nick Nolte.

Barbra must know what she’s doing.

She must. She’s god.

She’s god.

Sol, where are you going?

I gotta go. I gotta put a client in the meter.

Right in the middle of the show?

Right in the middle of my television debut you have to go?

What, you want me to circle for an hour?

God forbid you would circle for one hour!

Okay. Obviously, I’m in the middle of a domestic.

Alright.

That’s all the time we have for this week.

My name is Linda Richman.

My name is Sheila.

Ornstein.

I changed it.

Nikki Ornstein, Sheila Ornstein.

* What a beautiful, beautiful name! *

It’s like butter.

Alright.

Next week, God-willing, Paul will be back for Coffee Talk.

Bye-bye! Bye, people!

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

(Phil Hartman speaking) Now, Time Life Books offers you and incredible new find.

The Lost Episodes of I Love Lucy!

(Man speaking on TV) Dumont, Cuba.

President Kennedy says Bay of Pigs botch-up is all his fault.

Lucy, look at this! That’s right near my home town.

Who does Kennedy think he is? Somebody should shoot this guy.

Oh, Ricky! That’s a terrible thing to say!

Yeah, Rick! Come one.

You don’t really think somebody should shoot the President,

do you?

Yes, I do may have, Fred.

Anybody who messes with Cuba better not ever be caught

in a convertible, brother. For I tell you.

Bang!

(Music)

Order now and get "Ricky threatens the President".

And as a bonus, "Fred and Ethel’s Negro Problem".

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking) Most people don’t realize that large pieces

of coral, which have been painted brown

and attached to the skull

by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

(Laughter and applause)

Could you please quit throwing the ball?

I have no patience for this!

Today’s the wrong day to test me.

So help me God, I will not be responsible for my actions.

Mom, please calm down.

It’s not our fault Daddy didn’t send the check this month.

Oh don’t you ever use that tone of voice with me again,

young man!

Mom?

If you know what is good for you,

get the hell out of here this minute!

Get out!

Get out of here, you rotten little bastards!

Just go and leave your Mommy alone!

(Phil Hartman speaking) Welcome once again to "Psycho Divorced Mother".

Tonight’s episode, "The Phone Company".

(Dramatic music)

(Screaming) Damn you to hell, telephone company!

You sons of bitches!

I have been here all day long and where are you?

Where are you?

Answer me! Answer me!

Stop screwing with my brain!

We hope you enjoyed this episode of "Psycho Divorced Mother".

Here’s a quick scene from next week’s episode entitled,

"The Cable Company".

Damn you to hell, cable company!

(Laughter)

I will see you burn!

Die, mother!

Die, you bitch!

(Crying)

Be there!

(Cheers and applause)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking) If tress could scream, would we be so cavalier

about cutting them down?

We might, if they scream all the time, for no good reason.

(Soft music)

(Cheers and applause)

(Piano playing)

Good night, everybody!

(Cheers and applause) (Music)