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(Don Pardo speaking)NBC now returns to its coverage
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00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:08,008
of the Senate JudiciaryCommittee hearings
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on the confirmation of JudgeClarence Thomas.
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(Sound of gavel)
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Gentlemen, gentlemen,please, please.
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(Laughter and applause)
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Professor Hill, I
wanna thank you
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for your patience here today.
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You’ve shown remarkable courage
throughout your testimony.
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It couldn’t have been easy for
you or any of us to sit here
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for the last seven hours and
talk about the penis size.
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(Laughter)
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Or large breasted woman
having sex with animals.
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Or pubic hairs onsoft drink cans.
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Or oral sex.
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Or the black man sexual prowess.
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Or large breasted woman
having sex with animals.
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But we appreciate your candor.
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(Laughter and applause)
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And uh---
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(Applause)
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we hope we can
reschedule you for another
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session tomorrow.
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(Laughter)
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Thank you, Senator.
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The committee at this time
would like to call
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Judge Clarence Thomas.
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Judge Thomas?
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Judge Thomas, we’re sorry to
have to bring you back
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but as you know, some very
serious allegations
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have been made by
our previous witness.
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First of all I’d like to say
that these proceedings
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are a travesty.
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Mhmm. I understand that.
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But you did ask, Ms.
Hill out on a date?
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Uhm, yes I did.
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(Laughter)
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And she refused?
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That’s correct.
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How did you go about askingher out on this date?
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I’m not sure I know
what you mean, Senator.
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Well, did you just go right up
and ask her or did you have one
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of her friends tell her that
you thought she was cute?
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I just walked right
up and asked her.
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(Laughter)
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Were you uh---
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(Cheers and applause)
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were you drunk at the time?
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(Loud laughter and applause)
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No, I was not.
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(Laughter)
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But she wouldn’t
go out with you?
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No.
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Was she aware that as her
boss you could have her fired?
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She must have been.
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(Laughter)
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And she still didn’t
go out with you?
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Now, Judge Thomas, there havebeen charges by Professor Hill
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that you talked casually
with her
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about graphic scenes in
porno movies, is that true?
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Yes, it is.
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And did that work?
Did it break the ice?
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(Laughter)
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No, Senator. It
actually offended her.
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Hmm---
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(Laughter)
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What porno movie
did you talk about?
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(Cheers and applause)
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Well, I mainly spoke about a
favorite of mine called
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The Hind Lick Maneuver.
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(Laughter and applause)
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That’s a good movie, Judge.
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(Laughter)
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But do you think hard core
porno is the way to go?
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’Cause I feel women
prefer softer porn.
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Senator Thurmond?
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I agree with Senator Heflin.
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(Laughter)
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Yeah, that’s right.
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Women like some with more
stories and costumes
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that will transport them to
another place and time.
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That’s right.
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Their inhibitions are often
loosened by a skit
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when they are allowed
to fantasize in another era.
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Women don’t like closed ships
or oversized genitalia
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that just never gonna
turn them on.
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(Laughter and applause)
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Eh uh, another good thing is to
get them out of your boat
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for some reason---
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(Laughter)
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because uh, because---
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then it’s really hard
for them to get away.
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(Laughter and applause)
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Do you have a question,
Senator Kennedy?
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Uh, yes I do.
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Uh, have you ever tried coming
out of the bathroom nude
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and acting like you didn’t
know someone was there?
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(Laughter)
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Uh, no.
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Well that’s too bad
because that works, too.
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(Laughter)
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Uhm, Judge.
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Judge Thom-Judge Thomas, are you
aware of that division
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of our government known as the
Criminal Justice Department?
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Of course I am, Senator.
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Well you know when you walk
in the main entrance
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of the Criminal Justice Building
there’s this receptionist
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with short, brown hair.
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The one in the third
desk on the left?
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No, no.
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The one at the big circular desk
right there in the center there.
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Oh yes, Sandy.
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Yeah. Sandy.
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Do you think she’d
go out with me?
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(Laughter and applause)
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Well Senator Simon, not knowing
your technique I feel
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it would be unfair for me to
prejudge your chances with her.
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Uh-huh.
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You think it’s the
bow tie then huh?
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Senator Simon!
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Women just don’t like
the bow tie, do they?
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Senator Simon, please.
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I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
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Judge Thomas, I’d like to
thank you for your testimony.
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You’ve been forthcoming and may
I say, it’s been an education.
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Thank you, Senator.
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The committee calls
its next witness.
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Sir, would you please
state your name?
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Long Dong Silver.
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(Cheers and applause)
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Mr. Silver, we apologize for
calling you back one more time,
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but many of us at the committee
are admirers of your work
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and uh, frankly, we could just
listen to you all day.
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Uh, we understand
you have a statement?
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Oh, yes, I do.
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Live from New York
it’s Saturday Night!
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(Loud cheers and applause)(Music)
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It’s Saturday Night Live!
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With Dana Carvey!
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Chris Farley!
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Phil Hartman!
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Victoria Jackson!
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Mike Myers!
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Kevin Nealon!
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Chris Rock!
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Julia Sweeney!
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with Ellen Cleghorne!
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Siobhan Fallon!
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Tim Meadows!
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Adam Sandler!
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Rob Schneider!
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David Spade!
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And featuring Al Franken!
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G. E. Smith and The SaturdayNight Live Band!
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Musical Guest, Tom Pettyand The Heart Breakers!
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And starring Kirstie Alley!
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Ladies and gentlemen,Kirstie Alley!
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(Loud cheers and applause)
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Thank you!
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Thank you very much!
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You know, I gotta tell you that
it’s been great hosting
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Saturday Night Live.
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You know, I mean the people here
have been so terrific to me
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all week long, you know?
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It almost feels like a family.
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But, I mean, as wonderful
as everybody’s been,
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I’m just a little homesick
from my own TV family.
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Of course I’m talking
about Cheers.
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(Wild cheers and applause)
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I just-for some reason, I
mean I really miss those guys.
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You know, it’s nice to have
people like that in your life.
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It’s like the song, making
your way in the world today.
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Takes everything you’ve got.
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(Piano playing)
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* Taking a break--- *
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(Choking of emotions)
* from all your worries *
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* sure would help
a lot--- *
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(Laughter)
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* Wouldn’t
you like to get away? *
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(Cheers and applause)
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* Sometimes you wanna go where
everybody knows your name. *
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00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,976
Willie, come down here!
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00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,213
* And they’re always
glad you came. *
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(Cheers and applause)
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* You wanna go where people go.
Troubles are all the same. *
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* You wanna go where
we gonna go. *
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(Wild cheers and applause)
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Wow!
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You know these guys, these guys
are the b-the best friends
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that anybody could ever have.
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Oh you don’t think we like
to do the show without us?
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Yeah, come one. Now
give us a hug.
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Now we---
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Oh! Wait!
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You know-oh!
You know something else?
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We have something else in
common besides being on Cheers.
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We’ve all hosted this show.
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That’s right!
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00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,469
Yeah!
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Uh, excuse me.
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(Laughter)
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I have never hosted this show.
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Why, you’re gonna
love doing this.
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We were the only cowboys-
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I remember that
you were so good!
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00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,182
I got to work with live pigs.
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00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:23,383
Yeah!
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00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,352
Don’t forget me,
Mer the boss, The Bears.
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That was good!
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00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:27,487
Yeah, that was good.
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00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,488
You were great.
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I’ve never hosted the show.
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00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:30,990
You know what?
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It is really, really sweet
of you guys to do this.
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00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,562
Thank you for coming.
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00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:36,563
Okay.
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00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:37,597
Bye-bye!
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00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:39,199
You’re gonna love the show.
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00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,434
You know I have to get on with
the show because
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I need to you know,
keep it rolling.
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It will be fun.--I know.
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I hope so. I hope so.
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I also have to do a
big costume change so---
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00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,241
Well, right on.
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00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:49,376
Yeah, go on.
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00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:50,543
We can take care of it. We’ll
cover for you.
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00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:51,778
Wait, hold there a second.
228
00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:52,946
Wait, wait. No, wait, wait.
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00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,114
If you guys just go back to
your seats
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and I mean I can do the show.
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Well, you know,
what’s left to do?
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Well, she’s gotta say,
we got a great show!
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00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,653
Tom Penny and The
Heart Breakers!
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00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:01,654
Ted!
235
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,056
Yes!
236
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:06,059
(Loud cheers and applause)
237
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:08,928
Ted?
238
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:12,632
I wanted to introduce Tom Petty.
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00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,267
I’ve been waiting for
this my whole life.
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00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,869
I was suppose to say that.
241
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,137
I’m sorry. Go ahead.
242
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,405
Now I don’t want to.
243
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,775
Well you gotta say,
we’ll be right back!
244
00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:23,677
Oh! Great!
245
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:25,779
Why don’t you just
finish it for me?
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Just do the whole show.
You guys know how.
247
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,482
Oh no, no, no.
248
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,317
No, you guys do it!
249
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,852
I mean you’ve allhosted the show.
250
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,855
You know, just I have
never hosted the show!
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00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,357
(Laughter and applause)
252
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,692
Never!
253
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,236
But I could.
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(Laughter)
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00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,107
(Piano playing)
256
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,843
* You wanna
go where people know. *
257
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:59,813
* Your troubles are all the
same. *
258
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:04,084
* You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. *
259
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,221
Tom Petty is here and
the Heart Breakers!
260
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:10,156
We’ll be right back!
261
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,560
(Loud cheers and applause)
262
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,368
Hi.
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00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,204
If you’re like me the last thing
you wanna do after a long day
264
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:28,241
of work is prepare a complete
dinner just for yourself.
265
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:31,745
(Phil Hartman speaking)Sheila Caldwell, singleprofessional on eating alone.
266
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:34,514
Did you know there’s a new line
of microwave cuisine
267
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,916
prepared especially for
single professionals?
268
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,586
New Lonely Choice
One Step Meals.
269
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,221
With 20 delicious
selections for even
270
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:43,456
the most discriminating taste.
271
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,092
Like the tempting
Holiday For One.
272
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:49,129
Hot turkey, mashed potatoesand gravy, cranberry pie,
273
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,197
even pumpkin pie for dessert.
274
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,600
A holiday feastany time of year.
275
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,402
Or if you’re feeling daring,
276
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,537
there’s the MexicanFiesta Platter.
277
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,174
A zingy cheese enchilada,refried refried beans
278
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,043
and saucy apple tart dessert.
279
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:05,311
With an over-the-countersleep aid on the top.
280
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,481
And of course, there’s the Old
Maid Liver and Onions
281
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,551
with lima beans and an OreoCookie dessert.
282
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,520
So don’t dine at home alone.
283
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,622
Invite the folks at Lonely
Choice
284
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:18,291
to prepare a meal
especially for you.
285
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:21,061
New Lonely Choice singleserving microwave meals.
286
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,062
Easy.
287
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,063
Delicious.
288
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,364
Comforting.
289
00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:28,068
Lonely Choice.
290
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:31,705
We’ve taken the "difficult"out of "difficult and sad".
291
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:36,576
(Laughter and applause)
292
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:42,349
Hey, this looks alright huh?
293
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,416
Oh see?
294
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,451
I knew it would be great.
295
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,086
Welcome to Il Cantore.
296
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,154
So nice to see you again!
297
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,723
Well actually, this is
our first time here.
298
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:53,193
Oh Signor, bellissima!
This is a special night.
299
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,194
Okay.
300
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,195
We’re Kirkpatrick.
301
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,196
Kirkpatrick!
302
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,197
Reservation for two.
303
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,264
Kirkpatrick,
reservation for two!
304
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,200
It’s right here. Dinner for two.
305
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,635
Signora bellissima!
306
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:03,870
Let me take your coat huh?
307
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,272
No, no, no. Don’t worry
about your coat.
308
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,074
I’ll take your
coat. Bellissima!
309
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,043
(Laughter)
310
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,712
It is so nice for you to
spend your birthday with us!
311
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,047
Bellissima!
312
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,548
Oh it isn’t my birthday.
313
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:16,549
Anniversary?
314
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,550
Anniversary!
315
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,752
Bellissima!
316
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,520
No, it’s not. It’s not
our anniversary.
317
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:22,555
Oh, you want to make a
special table for you.
Alright, I’ll make it up for you
318
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,258
or you can wait at the bar
for about five minutes.
319
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,826
Oh, that sounds really great.
320
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:31,731
Oh Signor, bellissima!
Come, have a drink!
321
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,466
We’ll just sit down anywhere.
Anywhere is just fine.
322
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,969
Hungry man yeah?
(Laughs)
323
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:39,172
And bellissima!
(Kisses her loud)
324
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:42,342
Come and sit down!
Sit down, bellissima!
325
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:44,911
This are nice for
you, bellissima.
326
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,347
Yeah right. Sit down
right there, yeah.
327
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,382
There you go , little ma’am.
I’ll be right back.
328
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,384
Sit down, take it easy. Okay.
329
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:52,919
How are you?
Listen, listen,
Louise---
330
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,554
How are you two doing huh?
331
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,589
Bellissima!
332
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,158
I told you I’ll
take care of you.
333
00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,893
This is Carlo.
He is our best man.
334
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,594
I tell him "anniversarary"!
335
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,863
So this is the "anniversiary"!
336
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,468
Okay. I leave you on
good hands, Signor.
337
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,303
Bellissima.
338
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,138
(Laughter)
339
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:13,506
Oh look, would you mind---?
340
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:17,043
Tonight we have special
anniversary dish for you.
341
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,346
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Would you mind not-
342
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,281
Oh you don’t have appetizer.
343
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,282
Fabio!
344
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,317
Bring appetizer!
345
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:26,619
Here is a brusquette.
346
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:31,291
Is a diced tomato
on a toasty bread.
347
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:36,096
And antipasto for Signore.
And bellissima.
348
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,130
Oh, yes.
349
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:38,498
Hey, hey! What are you doing?
350
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,633
What’s the matter?
You don’t like brusquette?
351
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,268
Carlo! What do you bring them?
352
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:44,504
I told Fabio to bring brusquette
and antipasto
353
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:46,339
for Signore and bellissima.
354
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,441
What? Antipasto
for anniversary?
355
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,143
Casa bere! Su car bere!
356
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,845
I’m so sorry antipasto.
357
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:52,912
That’s not the problem.
358
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:54,247
No, no, no. I know, I know.
359
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,850
Listen, I make a special
tuna Carpaccio for you.
360
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,184
Pertini pertilicious!
361
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,487
Oh, now that sounds
really good.
362
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,423
Oh you like? Oh good.
363
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:06,226
I’ll make a Carpaccio
for you, bellissima.
364
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,028
You’ll like, bellissima.
365
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,398
Hey, hey, hey! Look!
Come on! Excuse me!
366
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,399
Uno momento!
This is getting---
367
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,100
Really out of hand here.
368
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,468
Hey!
369
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,038
Excuse me!
370
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,039
Hello?
371
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,073
Hey!
372
00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,308
I know, I know, Signor.
Soon, Carpaccio!
373
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,511
I have to check another
table, alright!
374
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:27,514
(Laughter)
375
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,782
This is ridiculous.
376
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:30,517
They’re grossing all over you.
377
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:34,387
No, honey.
It’s just their custom.
378
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:37,490
(Loud laughter and applause)
379
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:41,895
Honey, you know people in Europe
are just a little lot more open
380
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,063
than we are.
381
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,497
I don’t care what
they do in Europe.
382
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,666
This is our country and
it doesn’t seem right.
383
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:49,135
This is their restaurant, okay?
384
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:52,072
And a very famous one!
385
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,107
Please, honey!
386
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:56,543
Don’t embarrass me.
387
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:57,977
I’ll try, I’ll
try. It’s just---
388
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,245
(Laughter)
389
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,715
Okay! Okay! Okay!
390
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,017
(Wild laughter and applause)
391
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,819
Carpaccio.
392
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,687
Very clean, very
fresh, very nice.
393
00:18:07,721 --> 00:18:09,022
Hey, hey, hey!
394
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,857
Get away-get away from
my wife with that!
395
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,592
What’s the matter?
Carpaccio no good?
396
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,294
What? What you do now?
397
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:15,595
They don’t like Carpaccio!
398
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:16,663
They try Carpaccio?
399
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:17,664
No!
400
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:18,665
No! You try!
401
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:19,766
Oh, you better try Carpaccio.
402
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,134
I know don’t like
unless you try.
403
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:23,937
Now for the last time
it’s not the food!
404
00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:25,605
You have no water!
405
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,307
Fabio! Pellegrino!
406
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,044
(Cheers and applause)
407
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,046
Pellegrino for Signore.
408
00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:36,049
And for bellissima.
409
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,384
That’s it.
410
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,852
Hey! Hey!
411
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,787
Alright! That’s it!
We are out of here.
412
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:41,855
Come on!
413
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:42,856
Bellissima!
414
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,290
No! No! I don’t like you.
415
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,291
Bellissima!
416
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:46,693
Bellissima!
417
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,696
Hey, come on!
418
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,870
Well I hope you’re
proud of yourself.
419
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,104
What are you talking
about, honey?
420
00:18:58,138 --> 00:18:59,572
Those guys are creeps!
421
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:02,409
I thought they were sweet.
422
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,611
Now look how upset they are!
423
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:09,249
(Screaming)
424
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:12,385
Forget it! Just forget it!
I’m not going back in there.
425
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:13,620
Well then, where
are we gonna eat?
426
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,588
I’m still hungry.
427
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,023
There’s a Greek restaurant
across the street.
428
00:19:17,057 --> 00:19:19,025
Let’s go there!
429
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,428
(Laughter and applause)
430
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:25,131
(Cheers and applause)
431
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:33,740
* Happy birthday, dear Pat. *
432
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:38,144
* Happy birthday to you. *
433
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,146
Yay, Pat!
434
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,315
Make a wish! Make a wish!
435
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,783
(Blows the candles)
436
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:49,389
What a wonderful surprise!
(Laughs funny)
437
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:52,225
* A lot of peoplesay, "what’s that?" *
438
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:55,328
* It’s Pat. *
439
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:58,264
* A lot of peopleask, "who’s he? *
440
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,066
* Or she." *
441
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,434
* Ma’am or sir. *
442
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:05,939
* Accept him or her,or whatever it might be. *
443
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:10,143
* It’s time for androgyny.Here comes Pat! *
444
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:15,815
(Applause)
445
00:20:15,849 --> 00:20:17,917
So how old are you, Pat?
446
00:20:17,951 --> 00:20:20,520
30 something.
(Laughs funny)
447
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,790
I guess time is ticking away.
448
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:29,496
Oh like a biological
clock huh?
449
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,431
Do you have one of those?
450
00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:32,832
Or it probably doesn’t matter.
451
00:20:32,866 --> 00:20:36,503
Or uhm, you could wait until
you’re 60 to start a family.
452
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:39,239
Uh, I mean, could you?
453
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:43,543
Well, before I start a family
I need a special someone!
454
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:46,112
(Laughter)
455
00:20:46,146 --> 00:20:48,682
Well, what about
your lover, Chris?
456
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:52,419
Since it’s my birthday,
I’ll be open with you.
457
00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:57,924
I was in love with someone who
is not what he appeared to be.
458
00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:01,861
And what was it that Chris
appeared to be exactly?
459
00:21:01,895 --> 00:21:03,797
A decent human being!
460
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,398
I’m sorry, really.
461
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,801
Earlier when I mentioned your
having a family it’s just that
462
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:14,274
I think you’d make a really
great mo-- father...
role model!
463
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:17,277
Not after the
childhood I had.
464
00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:20,380
I came from a broken home.
465
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:21,981
(Having sad reaction)Aww.
466
00:21:22,082 --> 00:21:23,616
Huh!
467
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,653
Problems with your folks?
468
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:30,390
Their parenting
skills were abysmal!
469
00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:35,295
But in retrospect
I still love them. They tried.
470
00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:37,397
(Laughter)
471
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:40,266
Pat, would you say you’re more
like your mother or father?
472
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:43,103
I’m a perfect
combination of both!
473
00:21:43,103 --> 00:21:45,205
(Laughter)
474
00:21:45,238 --> 00:21:48,108
Pat, did your parents give you
anything for your birthday?
475
00:21:48,108 --> 00:21:52,379
Oh, I’m sure they’ll give me
the usual clothes from the Gap.
476
00:21:52,412 --> 00:21:55,248
(Laughter)
477
00:21:55,281 --> 00:21:58,885
Pat, your
mo-fa-somebody’s here.
478
00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:00,787
Your mo-fa-somebody.
479
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,055
Which one?
480
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:04,057
I can’t te-
481
00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:06,459
Me!
482
00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:12,198
Oh, Francis, come here.
Everybody this is Francis.
483
00:22:12,232 --> 00:22:14,401
This is Jim and
Phil and Christy.
484
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:16,803
(Both laugh funny)
485
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:17,971
Nice to meet you.
486
00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:18,972
Hi, how are you?
487
00:22:19,072 --> 00:22:21,074
Hello, everybody!
488
00:22:21,107 --> 00:22:22,609
Wow!
489
00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:24,377
Look at the two of
you.
490
00:22:24,411 --> 00:22:25,879
(Both laugh funny)
491
00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:30,316
You look so long-so young you
could be si-si-si-siblings
492
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:32,652
(All laugh funny)
493
00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:33,953
I gotta go back to work.
494
00:22:33,987 --> 00:22:35,889
Oh, me, too!
495
00:22:35,922 --> 00:22:40,827
I just came by to take you
to a little birthday lunch.
496
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,228
Just the two of us.
497
00:22:42,262 --> 00:22:43,263
Alright.
498
00:22:43,296 --> 00:22:46,166
But, I have to clean
up my desk first.
499
00:22:46,199 --> 00:22:48,234
(Laughs funny)
500
00:22:49,936 --> 00:22:52,605
(Laughs funny)
501
00:22:52,639 --> 00:22:55,141
So, Francis.
502
00:22:55,175 --> 00:22:58,345
You must be proud
of your---
503
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,046
Pat.
504
00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:01,481
Yes, I am.
505
00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:05,585
Everything you could
want in a child.
506
00:23:06,820 --> 00:23:10,323
So, it’s Pat’s
birthday huh?
507
00:23:10,357 --> 00:23:13,860
The day that Pat was born.
508
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,862
You must remember that
day pretty well huh?
509
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:19,065
Yes, I do.
510
00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:23,069
Well, was it difficult?
511
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,637
The labor?
512
00:23:24,671 --> 00:23:26,873
The waiting-the
waiting for the labor?
513
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:29,743
I don’t know. I passed out.
514
00:23:29,776 --> 00:23:36,316
And the next thing I knew the
doctor said, "congratulations!
515
00:23:36,349 --> 00:23:38,718
It’s a baby!"
516
00:23:38,752 --> 00:23:40,887
(Laughter and applause)
517
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,322
(Laughs funny)
518
00:23:42,355 --> 00:23:44,491
(Laughter)
519
00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:50,563
And I look and there
was a tiny helpless bad!
520
00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:52,332
I’m ready!
521
00:23:52,365 --> 00:23:56,503
Oh you should get your coat.
It’s cold outside.
522
00:23:56,536 --> 00:23:58,538
Oh, come on!
523
00:23:58,571 --> 00:24:03,043
Well, who got up on the
wrong side of bed today?
524
00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:05,645
I’m a grown up.
Leave me alone!
525
00:24:05,679 --> 00:24:08,114
Well you start behaving
like a grown up
526
00:24:08,148 --> 00:24:11,251
and maybe I’ll treat
you like a grown up!
527
00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:12,419
Listen, maybe I should leave.
528
00:24:12,452 --> 00:24:16,056
No, no, stay. I want you
to hear the madness!
529
00:24:16,056 --> 00:24:17,590
(Laughter)
530
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:20,193
You listen to me, Pat.
531
00:24:20,226 --> 00:24:23,830
Raising you alone
hasn’t been easy.
532
00:24:23,863 --> 00:24:27,167
I’ve had to be both
mother and father to you.
533
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,302
(Laughter)
534
00:24:29,336 --> 00:24:32,739
You know, every since
Jean ran off with that---
535
00:24:32,772 --> 00:24:34,441
(Laughter)
536
00:24:34,474 --> 00:24:35,475
thing!
537
00:24:35,508 --> 00:24:38,411
Oh I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
538
00:24:38,445 --> 00:24:40,847
(Laughter)
539
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,817
I just wanted to
have lunch with you.
540
00:24:43,850 --> 00:24:46,486
Yeah, see? There, there now.
Everything’s gonna be okay.
541
00:24:46,519 --> 00:24:50,523
It’s my birthday!
I just wanna celebrate!
542
00:24:50,557 --> 00:24:52,158
Well, we are!
543
00:24:52,192 --> 00:24:54,627
We are cel-hey everybody!
Come on!
544
00:24:54,661 --> 00:24:56,229
(Both laugh funny)
545
00:24:56,262 --> 00:25:01,368
* For he-she’s a jolly
good fe-person. *
546
00:25:01,401 --> 00:25:04,804
* For Pat’s a jolly
good person. *
547
00:25:04,838 --> 00:25:12,612
* For Pat’s a jolly
good person which
nobody can deny. *
548
00:25:12,645 --> 00:25:16,416
(Cheers and applause)
549
00:25:20,954 --> 00:25:22,756
(Soft music)
550
00:25:22,789 --> 00:25:26,126
(Phil Hartman)And now, Deep Thoughts
551
00:25:26,159 --> 00:25:28,528
by Jack Handey.
552
00:25:32,232 --> 00:25:35,769
(Man speaking)Laurie got offendedthat I used the word "puke".
553
00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:39,172
But to me, that’s whather dinner tasted like.
554
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,274
(Laughter)
555
00:25:43,343 --> 00:25:46,813
(News music theme)
556
00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:48,081
(Don Pardo speaking)Weekend Update
557
00:25:48,081 --> 00:25:50,083
with Kevin Nealon.
558
00:26:02,429 --> 00:26:06,099
(Cheers and applause)
559
00:26:08,268 --> 00:26:09,536
Good evening!
560
00:26:09,569 --> 00:26:11,538
I’m Kevin Nealon.
And I’m an alcoholic.
561
00:26:11,571 --> 00:26:13,106
(Laughter)
562
00:26:13,139 --> 00:26:14,874
(Sigh) Our top story tonight
563
00:26:14,908 --> 00:26:18,044
is obviously the Judge
Thomas Senate Hearings.
564
00:26:18,078 --> 00:26:21,047
More on that after this.
565
00:26:21,047 --> 00:26:23,116
Well the blockbuster Home
Alone once again
566
00:26:23,149 --> 00:26:25,051
top the home video rental charts
567
00:26:25,051 --> 00:26:29,456
with new comers King Ralph
and Long Dong Silver
568
00:26:29,489 --> 00:26:31,791
hitting the top 5
for the first time.
569
00:26:31,825 --> 00:26:34,861
Now back to our lead story.
570
00:26:34,894 --> 00:26:37,163
Most people seem to agree that
one good thing has come out
571
00:26:37,197 --> 00:26:39,232
of the Clarence Thomas Hearings.
572
00:26:39,265 --> 00:26:41,334
A better awareness of
the word, "harassment".
573
00:26:41,368 --> 00:26:42,602
"...charge of
sexual harassment."
574
00:26:42,635 --> 00:26:43,837
"Harassment."
"Harassment."
575
00:26:43,870 --> 00:26:45,171
"Harassment."
576
00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:49,075
Frankly I prefer Harass-ment.
577
00:26:49,075 --> 00:26:52,846
But that’s just me.
(Laughter)
578
00:26:52,879 --> 00:26:54,748
In an earlier interview,
Clarence Thomas stated that
579
00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:56,916
he wanted to be a Supreme Court
Judge because he feels
580
00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:59,419
wearing the robe is sexy.
581
00:26:59,452 --> 00:27:01,855
(Laughter)
582
00:27:01,888 --> 00:27:04,424
Well, Senator Joseph Biden
was labeled racist
583
00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:06,459
at the Clarence Thomas
Confirmation hearing last week
584
00:27:06,493 --> 00:27:11,031
when he introduced Clarence
Thomas as, "weighing at 220 lbs"
585
00:27:11,064 --> 00:27:14,534
in a blue coat and red tie,
Clarence "The Natural" Thomas."
586
00:27:14,567 --> 00:27:16,136
(Laughter)
587
00:27:16,169 --> 00:27:19,039
In her first appearance at the
Thomas hearings yesterday
588
00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:22,542
Anita Hill accused eight TV and
radio networks of sexual
harassment
589
00:27:22,575 --> 00:27:24,711
by the placement of
the microphones.
590
00:27:24,744 --> 00:27:27,414
(Laughter and applause)
591
00:27:30,050 --> 00:27:31,851
Now this is an editorial.
592
00:27:31,885 --> 00:27:33,453
Sexual harassment was declared
illegal
593
00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:36,423
by the Supreme Court 1986.
594
00:27:36,456 --> 00:27:38,391
The alleged Thomas Clarence -
Anita Hill harassment
595
00:27:38,425 --> 00:27:40,760
took place in 1982.
596
00:27:40,794 --> 00:27:42,429
So it was in fact legal then.
597
00:27:42,462 --> 00:27:43,963
(Laughter)
598
00:27:44,064 --> 00:27:45,198
What’s all the fuzz about?
599
00:27:45,231 --> 00:27:46,466
Thank you.
600
00:27:46,499 --> 00:27:50,070
(Laughter and applause)
601
00:27:53,907 --> 00:27:56,309
I actually quit
harassing in 1986.
602
00:27:56,343 --> 00:27:58,978
I’m new dope.
603
00:27:59,079 --> 00:28:01,181
In a late breaking story Anita
Hill has revealed that she was
604
00:28:01,214 --> 00:28:04,517
also sexual harassed by
Rosanne Arnold’s father.
605
00:28:04,551 --> 00:28:05,652
More on that later.
606
00:28:05,685 --> 00:28:07,887
(Laughter)
607
00:28:07,921 --> 00:28:10,123
Here with a different view on
the Clarence Thomas situation
608
00:28:10,156 --> 00:28:12,892
is Saturday Night Live News
correspondent Chris Rock.
609
00:28:12,926 --> 00:28:13,927
Chris?
610
00:28:14,027 --> 00:28:17,130
(Cheers and applause)
611
00:28:18,264 --> 00:28:20,066
Thank you, Kevin.
612
00:28:20,100 --> 00:28:23,103
Now we know one of them
is lying but which one?
613
00:28:23,136 --> 00:28:24,604
I don’t know but
I know one thing,
614
00:28:24,637 --> 00:28:26,473
Clarence Thomas could have
picked a much better
615
00:28:26,506 --> 00:28:28,108
looking woman to blow his
career off.
616
00:28:28,141 --> 00:28:29,442
Okay?
617
00:28:29,476 --> 00:28:31,144
I mean, doesn’t she kinda look
like Helen Willis
618
00:28:31,177 --> 00:28:32,245
from The Jeffersons?
619
00:28:32,278 --> 00:28:33,780
(Laughter)
620
00:28:33,813 --> 00:28:36,683
Now Robert Bork was rejected
because he was too arrogant.
621
00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:39,252
And if Clarence Thomas gets
rejected it’ll be because
622
00:28:39,285 --> 00:28:42,522
he likes to watch big breasted
women have sex with animals
623
00:28:42,555 --> 00:28:43,556
and tell people.
624
00:28:43,590 --> 00:28:45,725
Now is that so wrong?
625
00:28:45,759 --> 00:28:48,795
I mean if I saw a big breasted
woman having sex with an animal
626
00:28:48,828 --> 00:28:50,263
I’d have to tell somebody.
627
00:28:50,296 --> 00:28:51,664
(Laughter)
628
00:28:51,698 --> 00:28:54,167
I’d tell my mother!
629
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,436
Now would that be
harassing my mother?
630
00:28:56,469 --> 00:28:59,639
I mean if you can’t tell your
mother, who can you tell?
631
00:28:59,673 --> 00:29:01,574
Oh man. And Anita Hill.
632
00:29:01,608 --> 00:29:03,076
Who is this woman, Anita Hill?
633
00:29:03,109 --> 00:29:05,345
Isn’t this the same woman they
caught smoking crack
634
00:29:05,378 --> 00:29:07,847
with Mary and Barry?
I mean, you know?
635
00:29:07,881 --> 00:29:09,783
I think someone should
run a cross check on this.
636
00:29:09,816 --> 00:29:11,084
Okay?
637
00:29:11,117 --> 00:29:13,920
Now one thing Clarence Thomas
is definitely guilty of
638
00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:15,689
is using bad pick up lines.
639
00:29:15,722 --> 00:29:19,025
I mean, hey, is that
hair-pubic hair on your coke?
640
00:29:19,025 --> 00:29:20,727
Come on!
641
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,195
Has that ever worked?
642
00:29:22,228 --> 00:29:24,297
(Laughter)
643
00:29:24,330 --> 00:29:27,767
I mean, he’s like he’s trying
to put a new spin on that
644
00:29:27,801 --> 00:29:30,036
"hey I got chocolate on
my peanut butter".
645
00:29:30,036 --> 00:29:32,272
Taste great, okay?
646
00:29:32,305 --> 00:29:34,841
I know like I’m
sounding with Thomas,
647
00:29:34,874 --> 00:29:37,043
I know it sounds
like I’m on his side.
648
00:29:37,077 --> 00:29:40,547
But the fact is he never ever
touched her and he’s gonna lose
649
00:29:40,580 --> 00:29:42,482
a position in Supreme Court and
didn’t even get to sleep
650
00:29:42,515 --> 00:29:43,516
with her.
651
00:29:43,550 --> 00:29:45,518
And that’s the real tragedy.
652
00:29:45,552 --> 00:29:48,088
Now the one thing that actually
wins-the only person that
653
00:29:48,121 --> 00:29:51,358
actually wins out of this whole
thing is Long Dong Silver.
654
00:29:51,391 --> 00:29:53,960
A fine actor who’s finally
getting recognition that
655
00:29:54,060 --> 00:29:55,962
he really deserves.
656
00:29:56,062 --> 00:29:57,964
Thank you, Kevin.
657
00:29:58,064 --> 00:30:00,133
Chris Rock, folks.
Chris Rock!
658
00:30:00,166 --> 00:30:02,869
(Cheers and applause)
659
00:30:05,739 --> 00:30:06,940
Peter Arnet.
660
00:30:06,973 --> 00:30:09,075
The high profile journalist from
CNN has just learned
661
00:30:09,109 --> 00:30:12,946
that the Gulf War ended over
six months ago.
662
00:30:12,979 --> 00:30:15,715
The disgruntled newsman will
return to the States today.
663
00:30:17,817 --> 00:30:19,652
Well Japan now plans to offer
the Soviet Union
664
00:30:19,686 --> 00:30:22,789
an A package worth 2.5
Billion dollars.
665
00:30:22,822 --> 00:30:24,691
Amazingly the package will be
small enough to fit
666
00:30:24,724 --> 00:30:27,193
in the palm of your hand.
667
00:30:27,227 --> 00:30:29,229
Be interesting to see that.
668
00:30:29,262 --> 00:30:31,664
Descendants of Christopher
Columbus are up in arms
669
00:30:31,698 --> 00:30:33,867
following accusations that
he was a terrible failure
670
00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:35,635
in administering the lands he
came upon
671
00:30:35,669 --> 00:30:37,370
while searching for the new
world.
672
00:30:37,404 --> 00:30:40,106
They call these allegations a
high-tech flogging for up
673
00:30:40,140 --> 00:30:41,474
of the explorers.
674
00:30:41,508 --> 00:30:43,743
(Laughter)
675
00:30:43,777 --> 00:30:45,779
Earlier this week, the UN
Inspection Team forced
676
00:30:45,812 --> 00:30:49,149
the Iraqis to destroy two super
guns that were under development
677
00:30:49,182 --> 00:30:52,118
when operational, the huge guns
could have been capable
678
00:30:52,152 --> 00:30:55,522
of waving a white flag big
enough to be seen 200 miles
away.
679
00:30:55,555 --> 00:30:58,591
(Laughter and applause)
680
00:30:58,625 --> 00:31:01,161
Last week’s check-bouncing
scandal in the House and this
681
00:31:01,194 --> 00:31:03,229
week’s awkward mishandling of
the Thomas Confirmation
682
00:31:03,263 --> 00:31:05,498
by the Senate have increased
calls for the legislation
683
00:31:05,532 --> 00:31:08,835
that would limit the number of
terms congressmen could serve.
684
00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:12,572
Here to advocate such term
limitation is Victoria Jackson.
685
00:31:12,605 --> 00:31:13,573
Victoria?
686
00:31:13,606 --> 00:31:15,909
(Cheers and applause)
687
00:31:15,942 --> 00:31:18,078
Thank you, Kevin.
688
00:31:18,111 --> 00:31:20,246
Thank you.
689
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:22,982
For years, critics of congress
have been advocating term
690
00:31:23,083 --> 00:31:25,652
limitations and I must say
that I have been-to put it
691
00:31:25,685 --> 00:31:27,454
mildly-skeptical.
692
00:31:27,487 --> 00:31:29,089
Do we really want to lose
the expertise of
693
00:31:29,089 --> 00:31:31,491
our most experienced
legislators?
694
00:31:31,524 --> 00:31:34,094
And who will fill the power
vacuum when the Tim Follies,
695
00:31:34,127 --> 00:31:36,696
the Dante Facels and the Lee
Hamiltons are forced
696
00:31:36,730 --> 00:31:38,465
into early retirement.
697
00:31:38,498 --> 00:31:40,300
The special interest packs?
698
00:31:40,333 --> 00:31:42,402
Well these are the kind of
questions Victoria Jackson
699
00:31:42,435 --> 00:31:47,273
was asking in 1989, 1990
and even early 91.
700
00:31:47,307 --> 00:31:48,708
But you know what?
701
00:31:48,742 --> 00:31:52,345
The Victoria Jackson of October
1991 is asking one thing.
702
00:31:52,379 --> 00:31:54,214
How do we throw the bums out?
703
00:31:54,247 --> 00:31:57,717
If you ask me, these latest
scandals are a cry for help.
704
00:31:57,751 --> 00:31:59,219
"Throw us out, please!"
705
00:31:59,252 --> 00:32:01,087
These jerks seem to be saying.
706
00:32:01,121 --> 00:32:03,656
Well I say it’s time
for some tough love.
707
00:32:03,690 --> 00:32:05,425
Three two year terms and out.
708
00:32:05,458 --> 00:32:08,328
Let’s give congress
back to the people!
709
00:32:08,361 --> 00:32:11,431
(Cheers and applause)
710
00:32:13,533 --> 00:32:14,668
Very interesting.
711
00:32:14,701 --> 00:32:18,338
Victoria, that was
very impassioned.
712
00:32:18,371 --> 00:32:19,472
Thank you.
713
00:32:19,506 --> 00:32:20,607
Yeah.
714
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:24,077
Now, you said "Three,
two year terms and out."
715
00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:25,478
Is that just for the House?
716
00:32:25,512 --> 00:32:27,147
Or---
717
00:32:27,180 --> 00:32:32,585
Uhm. Uh. I guess so. Uhm. I---
718
00:32:32,619 --> 00:32:35,088
I’m not sure.
719
00:32:35,121 --> 00:32:40,326
I mean, that would you limit
the Senate to one 6-year term?
720
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:43,930
Uhm, okay.
721
00:32:43,963 --> 00:32:45,131
I didn’t really write this.
722
00:32:45,165 --> 00:32:46,933
I don’t know what
I’m talking about.
723
00:32:46,966 --> 00:32:49,969
(Laughter)
724
00:32:50,003 --> 00:32:51,438
Okay. Thank you, Victoria.
725
00:32:51,471 --> 00:32:54,974
Victoria Jackson!
Our Capital Hill correspondent.
726
00:32:55,008 --> 00:32:58,611
(Cheers and applause)
727
00:32:58,645 --> 00:33:01,214
Exxon will have to pay a Alaska
over a billion dollars to settle
728
00:33:01,247 --> 00:33:04,084
a latest lawsuit since the E.
Valdez oil spill.
729
00:33:04,117 --> 00:33:05,318
The company has come up with a
new defense
730
00:33:05,352 --> 00:33:07,087
with every lawsuit issue.
731
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:08,688
This time explaining that they
were only trying
732
00:33:08,722 --> 00:33:10,490
to grease up the coast line
so boats could
733
00:33:10,523 --> 00:33:12,759
get in and out of the
harbor more easily.
734
00:33:12,792 --> 00:33:16,796
(Laughter and applause)
735
00:33:16,830 --> 00:33:18,832
This week the Alaska Chamber
of Commerce reported that
736
00:33:18,865 --> 00:33:21,067
the current drop in tourism to
Alaska is not due
737
00:33:21,067 --> 00:33:23,303
to the Exxon-Valdez oil
spill, but to Alaska’s
738
00:33:23,336 --> 00:33:26,373
minimum of daylight hours,
leaving the state in darkness
739
00:33:26,406 --> 00:33:28,074
for much of the year.
740
00:33:28,074 --> 00:33:30,710
In an effort to boost tourism,
Air Alaska is offering
741
00:33:30,744 --> 00:33:32,078
a special tour package.
742
00:33:32,112 --> 00:33:33,913
For 200 dollars roundtrip, you
fly to Anchorage
743
00:33:33,947 --> 00:33:36,983
where you’ll stay 5
nights and 6 nights.
744
00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:40,086
(Laughter and applause)
745
00:33:40,086 --> 00:33:42,455
Montana underwent surgery this
week and so far the results
746
00:33:42,489 --> 00:33:43,957
are encouraging.
747
00:33:43,990 --> 00:33:48,294
As you can see, Billings was
removed leaving a 200-mile scar
748
00:33:48,328 --> 00:33:53,433
which would heal nicely and
Butte had some polyps excised.
749
00:33:53,466 --> 00:33:54,834
Montana should be back
in the Union
750
00:33:54,868 --> 00:33:56,703
by next Spring I would imagine.
751
00:33:56,736 --> 00:33:59,239
And this story from California:
A San Francisco man
752
00:33:59,272 --> 00:34:00,874
was acquitted of drunk driving
this week
753
00:34:00,907 --> 00:34:03,476
after he convinced the jury
that he was a fire eater.
754
00:34:03,510 --> 00:34:06,046
And what policed smelled
on his breath was kerosene,
755
00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,647
he uses in his act.
756
00:34:07,681 --> 00:34:10,417
A similar case was reported last
month where a sword swallower
757
00:34:10,450 --> 00:34:13,053
was accidentally arrested
for prostitution.
758
00:34:13,053 --> 00:34:15,689
(Laughter and applause)
759
00:34:15,722 --> 00:34:17,424
Well, the baseball
play offs is underway
760
00:34:17,457 --> 00:34:19,359
and here with
all the highlights
761
00:34:19,392 --> 00:34:21,461
is Weekend Update
Sports anchor, Phil Perry.
762
00:34:21,494 --> 00:34:23,797
Or as we call him, the Big P.
763
00:34:23,830 --> 00:34:25,932
(Cheers and applause)
764
00:34:25,965 --> 00:34:28,401
Thanks, Kevin.
765
00:34:28,435 --> 00:34:30,303
Okay! Let’s get right to it.
766
00:34:30,337 --> 00:34:32,572
Folks in County Stadium in
Atlanta Pirates-Braves
767
00:34:32,605 --> 00:34:34,574
and folks, it was a home
run derby.
768
00:34:34,607 --> 00:34:35,842
Okay.
769
00:34:35,875 --> 00:34:37,777
First batter of thegame Orlando Merced.
770
00:34:37,811 --> 00:34:39,579
He says, hello Atlanta!
771
00:34:39,612 --> 00:34:41,614
I’m getting this gamestarted in a hurry.
772
00:34:41,648 --> 00:34:43,516
Solo homer. Pirates lead,one-nothing.
773
00:34:43,550 --> 00:34:44,984
But in the bottom of the any.
774
00:34:45,085 --> 00:34:47,587
Here’s Greg Olsen.He says, not so fast Orland!
775
00:34:47,620 --> 00:34:49,756
I’m gonna take mattersinto my own hands.
776
00:34:49,789 --> 00:34:51,958
Two run homer, Braveslead, four-one.
777
00:34:51,991 --> 00:34:53,960
Okay, we go to the fourthman on second, RafaelBilliard says,
778
00:34:53,993 --> 00:34:55,428
wait a minute!
779
00:34:55,462 --> 00:34:56,896
If I can hit the ball down themiddle I can move and run
780
00:34:56,930 --> 00:34:58,431
over the third base.
781
00:34:58,465 --> 00:35:00,467
That way I can sacrifice Flagand bring the runner home.
782
00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:02,869
But Greg Olsen says, hold on!I’m coming home right now.
783
00:35:02,902 --> 00:35:05,271
Billiard says, fine with me!Braves up, six-one.
784
00:35:05,305 --> 00:35:07,807
Okay, bottom of theseventh, Ron Gant says,
785
00:35:07,841 --> 00:35:09,509
tie a bow on this one, folks!
786
00:35:09,542 --> 00:35:10,643
I’m leaving no doubt.
787
00:35:10,677 --> 00:35:11,644
Turn out the lights!
788
00:35:11,678 --> 00:35:13,146
This one is history.
789
00:35:13,179 --> 00:35:14,848
Excuse me, Big P.
It’s a big party
time! We won!
790
00:35:14,881 --> 00:35:16,082
Big P.! Big P.!
They lost.
791
00:35:16,116 --> 00:35:17,517
Excuse me, Big P.
792
00:35:17,550 --> 00:35:18,818
Yeah, Kevin?
793
00:35:18,852 --> 00:35:20,453
You’re going a little
board, aren’t you?
794
00:35:20,487 --> 00:35:21,454
What do you mean, my friend?
795
00:35:21,488 --> 00:35:24,758
Well, these players---
796
00:35:24,791 --> 00:35:27,093
They’re not saying
everything you’re saying.
797
00:35:27,127 --> 00:35:29,295
They’re just-they’re playing.
798
00:35:29,329 --> 00:35:32,332
Buddy, I’m gonna have
to prove you wrong.
799
00:35:32,365 --> 00:35:35,969
Just take a closer
look with sound.
800
00:35:36,069 --> 00:35:39,272
Uhm, I’m going to get thisone started in a hurry.
801
00:35:39,305 --> 00:35:40,607
(Laughter)
802
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,610
Tie a bow on this one, folks.
803
00:35:43,643 --> 00:35:46,079
I’m leaving no doubt.
804
00:35:46,079 --> 00:35:47,981
(Laughter)
805
00:35:48,081 --> 00:35:53,420
Oh, I’m sorry Big P. I guess
I was wrong. Sorry.
806
00:35:53,453 --> 00:35:54,954
Hey, no problem, Kevin.
807
00:35:54,988 --> 00:35:58,291
Here’s open your next T shot
at straight on the fair way.
808
00:35:58,324 --> 00:36:00,560
Alright, thanks.
The Big P., everyone!
809
00:36:00,593 --> 00:36:02,462
(Cheers and applause)
810
00:36:02,495 --> 00:36:03,830
Very good! Very nice!
811
00:36:03,863 --> 00:36:04,931
Thanks, Kevin.
812
00:36:08,668 --> 00:36:10,904
Federal Reserve has reported
this week that one in five
813
00:36:10,937 --> 00:36:13,640
high school students carries
a gun or a knife.
814
00:36:13,673 --> 00:36:15,942
Fortunately, the other
four are drop outs.
815
00:36:16,042 --> 00:36:18,678
(Laughter)
816
00:36:18,712 --> 00:36:21,147
The new Sikorsky
RAH 60 helicopter,
817
00:36:21,181 --> 00:36:23,483
one on display at Sikorsky
Airport on Tuesday,
818
00:36:23,516 --> 00:36:25,251
after a test flight on
Wednesday it was determined
819
00:36:25,285 --> 00:36:27,220
that the stairs may
have to be eliminated.
820
00:36:27,253 --> 00:36:29,856
(Laughter)
821
00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,524
The New York Public Library
has announced that it will
822
00:36:31,558 --> 00:36:33,693
discontinue the new
drive-thru book return
823
00:36:33,727 --> 00:36:35,061
until further notice.
824
00:36:35,061 --> 00:36:36,830
(Laughter)
825
00:36:38,231 --> 00:36:40,734
Well, the already excruciating
Ironman Triathlon held
826
00:36:40,767 --> 00:36:43,436
in Hawaii each year has
added another segment
827
00:36:43,470 --> 00:36:45,605
to the swimming, cycling and
running.
828
00:36:45,638 --> 00:36:47,273
Starting this year, the
competitors will be allowed
829
00:36:47,307 --> 00:36:49,075
to shoot at their opponents.
830
00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:50,777
(Laughter)
831
00:36:50,810 --> 00:36:53,580
Dyslexic readers in New York
went into shock Saturday
832
00:36:53,613 --> 00:36:56,850
when they picked up the daily
news proclaiming war.
833
00:36:56,883 --> 00:36:58,785
I’m sure somebody will explain.
834
00:36:58,818 --> 00:37:02,022
I’m Kevin Nealon and
that’s news to me!
835
00:37:02,022 --> 00:37:06,159
(Cheers and applause)(Music)
836
00:37:12,799 --> 00:37:16,236
(Woman speaking)Welcome to Coffee Talk withyour host Linda Richman.
837
00:37:16,269 --> 00:37:17,470
Welcome to Coffee Talk.
838
00:37:17,504 --> 00:37:19,806
I’m the guest host,
Linda Richman.
839
00:37:19,839 --> 00:37:23,043
My friend, the regular host,
Paul Baldwin asked me to fill
840
00:37:23,043 --> 00:37:24,477
in this week.
841
00:37:24,511 --> 00:37:27,914
Long story short, he’s
going to recover nicely.
842
00:37:27,947 --> 00:37:30,750
Now, I don’t know from coffee.
843
00:37:30,784 --> 00:37:33,153
It gives me shmilkis
in my gonectigazoink.
844
00:37:33,186 --> 00:37:35,722
(Laughter)
845
00:37:35,755 --> 00:37:38,925
And it aggravates
my hiatus-hernia.
846
00:37:38,958 --> 00:37:42,095
So this week’s show is dedicated
to the best entertainer
847
00:37:42,128 --> 00:37:47,200
in the history of show business,
Barbara Streisand.
848
00:37:47,233 --> 00:37:49,169
Barbra Joan Streisand.
849
00:37:49,202 --> 00:37:51,204
Yes. This is my
best friend, Sheila.
850
00:37:51,237 --> 00:37:52,372
Hello!
851
00:37:52,405 --> 00:37:53,873
I know her since I am six.
852
00:37:53,907 --> 00:37:55,175
Six!
853
00:37:55,208 --> 00:37:56,843
And this is my husband, Sol.
854
00:37:56,876 --> 00:37:57,877
What?
855
00:37:57,911 --> 00:37:59,579
What what?
856
00:37:59,612 --> 00:38:02,649
That’s all I get? I get a what.
Calling you a slob!
857
00:38:02,682 --> 00:38:04,017
Sheila, Sheila.
858
00:38:04,017 --> 00:38:06,019
I said I would drive
you here so I drove.
859
00:38:06,019 --> 00:38:08,288
What, I gotta talk too?
860
00:38:08,321 --> 00:38:10,023
What you’re a mute slob?
861
00:38:10,023 --> 00:38:11,691
Sol, where did you park?
862
00:38:11,725 --> 00:38:13,927
I cycled off for 20 minutes then
I found a beautiful place
863
00:38:14,027 --> 00:38:16,029
next to H and H Bagels.
864
00:38:16,029 --> 00:38:19,499
The best bagels in the city.
They’re like butter.
865
00:38:19,532 --> 00:38:21,835
Okay, back to Barbs.
866
00:38:21,868 --> 00:38:24,904
She’s coming out with a
new movie, Prince of Tides.
867
00:38:24,938 --> 00:38:27,941
And did you know, by the way,
that Barbs and I
868
00:38:28,041 --> 00:38:30,043
are exactly the same age?
869
00:38:30,043 --> 00:38:31,911
Me, too.
870
00:38:31,945 --> 00:38:37,050
But I ask you, is this the
body of a 50 year-old lady?
871
00:38:37,083 --> 00:38:39,119
You know, I would
die for her hands.
872
00:38:39,152 --> 00:38:40,420
They’re like butter.
873
00:38:40,453 --> 00:38:42,655
I however have
Toddy Phil’s hands.
874
00:38:42,689 --> 00:38:43,723
He’s by the way dead.
875
00:38:43,757 --> 00:38:46,126
Very dead. Now let’s talk.
876
00:38:46,159 --> 00:38:49,195
Why do we love Barbra
Streisand so much?
877
00:38:49,229 --> 00:38:51,297
Is it because she’s
so ballsy and brash?
878
00:38:51,331 --> 00:38:52,599
No, it isn’t.
879
00:38:52,632 --> 00:38:57,971
The reason we love Barbra is
because this, she got out.
880
00:38:58,071 --> 00:39:01,074
Now, when I was a little girl,
I wanted to be a ballerina.
881
00:39:01,107 --> 00:39:03,576
And my mother said
to me, Sheila,
882
00:39:03,610 --> 00:39:06,446
you are a poor misguide from
Brooklyn, with a hook nose.
883
00:39:06,479 --> 00:39:09,849
You will never ever
be a ballerina.
884
00:39:09,883 --> 00:39:14,154
And like a shmuck, I listened.
885
00:39:14,187 --> 00:39:17,691
Barbra, no! She, no!
Barbra got out!
886
00:39:17,724 --> 00:39:20,827
Excuse me, I’m a little
emotional about this right now.
887
00:39:20,860 --> 00:39:23,129
Sol, kerchief.
888
00:39:23,163 --> 00:39:25,165
I got valves.
889
00:39:25,198 --> 00:39:28,234
Listening to your story, I’m
a little fahklemptmyself.
890
00:39:28,268 --> 00:39:29,269
Oh, here.
891
00:39:29,302 --> 00:39:31,771
Just a little
fahklempt. Hold on.
892
00:39:31,805 --> 00:39:33,740
Talk amongst yourselves.
893
00:39:35,575 --> 00:39:37,043
There, I’m better.
894
00:39:37,077 --> 00:39:39,212
You’re right. She got out.
895
00:39:39,245 --> 00:39:43,116
But me, I married a adagio
dancer with turquoise hair
896
00:39:43,149 --> 00:39:44,884
and carpal tunnel syndrome.
897
00:39:44,918 --> 00:39:47,787
Couldn’t even open a door,
may he rest in peace.
898
00:39:47,821 --> 00:39:50,056
Okay. Now, let’s go
to the phones.
899
00:39:50,056 --> 00:39:53,827
The number is 555-4444.
900
00:39:53,860 --> 00:39:55,628
4-4-4-4. That’s four 4s.
901
00:39:55,662 --> 00:39:57,797
Four to the power of four.
Welcome to Coffee Talk.
902
00:39:57,831 --> 00:39:59,599
Hello, you’re on the air.
903
00:39:59,632 --> 00:40:01,968
(Woman speaking)Hello. First of all,I hope Paul’s okay.
904
00:40:02,002 --> 00:40:04,871
He just got a bit of
the gonectigazoink.
905
00:40:04,904 --> 00:40:05,872
No big whoop.
906
00:40:05,905 --> 00:40:07,240
Good.
907
00:40:07,273 --> 00:40:09,075
You know Barbra has a newback set collection
908
00:40:09,109 --> 00:40:10,643
of all her recordings.
909
00:40:10,677 --> 00:40:14,314
Yes, I knew that.
910
00:40:14,347 --> 00:40:17,017
And it contains just about
every song she ever sang.
911
00:40:17,050 --> 00:40:20,520
It’s a beautiful thing.
It’s like butter.
912
00:40:20,553 --> 00:40:23,857
Does it have the songfrom The Way We Were?
913
00:40:23,890 --> 00:40:25,592
Does it?
914
00:40:25,625 --> 00:40:28,728
It has all the songs
including, may I?
915
00:40:28,762 --> 00:40:31,264
Oh, please, do.
916
00:40:31,297 --> 00:40:33,466
* Memories! *
917
00:40:33,500 --> 00:40:36,369
* Like the corners of your--- *
918
00:40:36,403 --> 00:40:37,470
(Giggles)
919
00:40:37,504 --> 00:40:39,139
Wonderful. It’s like butter,
her voice.
920
00:40:39,172 --> 00:40:41,007
(Laughter)
921
00:40:41,041 --> 00:40:44,944
And do you remember the scene
at the end of The Way We Were?
922
00:40:44,978 --> 00:40:47,580
I wept over scenes RobertRedford getting into a cab
923
00:40:47,614 --> 00:40:48,882
I front of the plaza.
924
00:40:48,915 --> 00:40:50,116
Oh, God she has.
925
00:40:50,150 --> 00:40:51,985
He’s moving the
hair from his face.
926
00:40:52,018 --> 00:40:52,986
Hubble!
927
00:40:53,019 --> 00:40:53,987
Don’t go, Hubble!
928
00:40:54,020 --> 00:40:54,988
Hubble, come back!
929
00:40:55,021 --> 00:40:55,989
Come back!
930
00:40:56,022 --> 00:40:57,524
Oh, God, Robert Redford.
931
00:40:57,557 --> 00:40:59,159
What a beautiful, uh---
932
00:40:59,192 --> 00:41:01,127
He has a beautiful
goyashiponem.
933
00:41:01,161 --> 00:41:02,896
(Laughter)
934
00:41:02,929 --> 00:41:04,864
It makes you wanna
have Christmas!
935
00:41:04,898 --> 00:41:06,332
(Laughter)
936
00:41:06,366 --> 00:41:08,134
You know,
I would buy you a tree.
937
00:41:08,168 --> 00:41:12,806
Okay, thank you for your call.
Alright. It was a beautiful
scene.
938
00:41:12,839 --> 00:41:14,808
Again, I’m just a
little fahklempt.
939
00:41:14,841 --> 00:41:16,343
(Laughter)
940
00:41:16,376 --> 00:41:18,078
A little emotional,
a little fahklempt.
941
00:41:18,078 --> 00:41:22,349
Give me a second.
Talk amongst yourselves.
942
00:41:22,382 --> 00:41:23,783
(Laughter)
943
00:41:23,817 --> 00:41:25,085
I’ll give you a topic.
944
00:41:25,085 --> 00:41:27,887
The Progressive Era was
neither progressive nor an era.
945
00:41:27,921 --> 00:41:29,089
Discuss.
946
00:41:29,089 --> 00:41:31,291
(Laughter)
947
00:41:32,359 --> 00:41:33,660
Okay.
948
00:41:33,693 --> 00:41:35,228
I feel better. Who knew?
949
00:41:35,261 --> 00:41:36,563
(Laughter)
950
00:41:36,596 --> 00:41:37,931
Now.
951
00:41:37,964 --> 00:41:41,201
As we were saying, Barbra
has a new movie coming out,
952
00:41:41,234 --> 00:41:44,104
Prince of Tideswith-go
figure-Nick Nolte.
953
00:41:44,137 --> 00:41:45,939
Barbra must know
what she’s doing.
954
00:41:45,972 --> 00:41:47,440
She must. She’s god.
955
00:41:47,474 --> 00:41:48,441
She’s god.
956
00:41:48,475 --> 00:41:49,776
Sol, where are you going?
957
00:41:49,809 --> 00:41:52,545
I gotta go. I gotta put
a client in the meter.
958
00:41:52,579 --> 00:41:54,447
Right in the middle of the show?
959
00:41:54,481 --> 00:41:57,517
Right in the middle of my
television debut you have to go?
960
00:41:57,550 --> 00:41:59,386
What, you want me to
circle for an hour?
961
00:41:59,419 --> 00:42:02,489
God forbid you would
circle for one hour!
962
00:42:02,522 --> 00:42:05,325
Okay. Obviously, I’m in
the middle of a domestic.
963
00:42:05,358 --> 00:42:06,426
Alright.
964
00:42:06,459 --> 00:42:08,294
That’s all the time
we have for this week.
965
00:42:08,328 --> 00:42:09,829
My name is Linda Richman.
966
00:42:09,863 --> 00:42:11,498
My name is Sheila.
967
00:42:11,531 --> 00:42:12,499
Ornstein.
968
00:42:12,532 --> 00:42:13,500
I changed it.
969
00:42:13,533 --> 00:42:15,468
Nikki Ornstein,
Sheila Ornstein.
970
00:42:15,502 --> 00:42:19,072
* What a beautiful,
beautiful name! *
971
00:42:19,072 --> 00:42:20,440
It’s like butter.
972
00:42:20,473 --> 00:42:21,741
Alright.
973
00:42:21,775 --> 00:42:25,078
Next week, God-willing, Paul
will be back for Coffee Talk.
974
00:42:25,078 --> 00:42:26,479
Bye-bye! Bye, people!
975
00:42:27,580 --> 00:42:30,684
(Music)(Cheers and applause)
976
00:42:37,424 --> 00:42:40,593
(Phil Hartman speaking)Now, Time Life Books offersyou and incredible new find.
977
00:42:40,627 --> 00:42:43,697
The LostEpisodes of I Love Lucy!
978
00:42:43,730 --> 00:42:45,432
(Man speaking on TV)Dumont, Cuba.
979
00:42:45,465 --> 00:42:48,568
President Kennedy saysBay of Pigs botch-upis all his fault.
980
00:42:48,601 --> 00:42:51,738
Lucy, look at this!
That’s right near my home town.
981
00:42:51,771 --> 00:42:54,874
Who does Kennedy think he is?
Somebody should shoot this guy.
982
00:42:54,908 --> 00:42:58,578
Oh, Ricky! That’s a
terrible thing to say!
983
00:42:58,611 --> 00:43:00,747
Yeah, Rick! Come one.
984
00:43:00,780 --> 00:43:02,182
You don’t really think somebody
should shoot the President,
985
00:43:02,215 --> 00:43:03,650
do you?
986
00:43:03,683 --> 00:43:06,186
Yes, I do may have, Fred.
987
00:43:06,219 --> 00:43:11,524
Anybody who messes with Cuba
better not ever be caught
988
00:43:11,558 --> 00:43:15,161
in a convertible, brother.
For I tell you.
989
00:43:15,195 --> 00:43:16,663
Bang!
990
00:43:16,696 --> 00:43:19,232
(Music)
991
00:43:19,265 --> 00:43:21,634
Order now and get "Rickythreatens the President".
992
00:43:21,668 --> 00:43:26,239
And as a bonus, "Fred andEthel’s Negro Problem".
993
00:43:26,272 --> 00:43:29,509
(Cheers and applause)
994
00:43:30,610 --> 00:43:32,479
(Soft music)
995
00:43:32,512 --> 00:43:35,682
(Phil Hartman speaking)And now, Deep Thoughts
996
00:43:35,715 --> 00:43:37,951
by Jack Handey.
997
00:43:41,287 --> 00:43:44,090
(Man speaking)Most people don’trealize that large pieces
998
00:43:44,090 --> 00:43:46,893
of coral, which have beenpainted brown
999
00:43:46,926 --> 00:43:48,361
and attached tothe skull
1000
00:43:48,395 --> 00:43:54,100
by common wood screws, canmake a child look like a deer.
1001
00:43:54,134 --> 00:43:56,970
(Laughter and applause)
1002
00:44:02,142 --> 00:44:05,412
Could you please quit
throwing the ball?
1003
00:44:05,445 --> 00:44:07,480
I have no patience for this!
1004
00:44:07,514 --> 00:44:09,716
Today’s the wrong
day to test me.
1005
00:44:09,749 --> 00:44:13,186
So help me God, I will not be
responsible for my actions.
1006
00:44:13,219 --> 00:44:15,889
Mom, please calm down.
1007
00:44:15,922 --> 00:44:18,758
It’s not our fault Daddy didn’t
send the check this month.
1008
00:44:18,792 --> 00:44:20,493
Oh don’t you ever use that
tone of voice with me again,
1009
00:44:20,527 --> 00:44:22,062
young man!
1010
00:44:22,062 --> 00:44:23,063
Mom?
1011
00:44:23,063 --> 00:44:24,597
If you know what
is good for you,
1012
00:44:24,631 --> 00:44:26,199
get the hell out of
here this minute!
1013
00:44:26,232 --> 00:44:27,500
Get out!
1014
00:44:27,534 --> 00:44:30,837
Get out of here, you
rotten little bastards!
1015
00:44:30,870 --> 00:44:33,473
Just go and leave
your Mommy alone!
1016
00:44:33,506 --> 00:44:38,078
(Phil Hartman speaking)Welcome once again to"Psycho Divorced Mother".
1017
00:44:38,111 --> 00:44:41,981
Tonight’s episode,"The Phone Company".
1018
00:44:42,082 --> 00:44:44,084
(Dramatic music)
1019
00:44:44,117 --> 00:44:48,121
(Screaming)
Damn you to hell,
telephone company!
1020
00:44:48,154 --> 00:44:50,256
You sons of bitches!
1021
00:44:50,290 --> 00:44:53,259
I have been here all day
long and where are you?
1022
00:44:53,293 --> 00:44:54,694
Where are you?
1023
00:44:54,728 --> 00:44:57,564
Answer me! Answer me!
1024
00:44:57,597 --> 00:45:01,101
Stop screwing with my brain!
1025
00:45:01,134 --> 00:45:04,871
We hope you enjoyed thisepisodeof "Psycho Divorced Mother".
1026
00:45:04,904 --> 00:45:07,807
Here’s a quick scene fromnext week’s episode entitled,
1027
00:45:07,841 --> 00:45:09,709
"The Cable Company".
1028
00:45:11,177 --> 00:45:14,047
Damn you to hell, cable company!
1029
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:15,548
(Laughter)
1030
00:45:15,582 --> 00:45:18,084
I will see you burn!
1031
00:45:18,118 --> 00:45:19,386
Die, mother!
1032
00:45:19,419 --> 00:45:22,055
Die, you bitch!
1033
00:45:22,055 --> 00:45:24,591
(Crying)
1034
00:45:24,624 --> 00:45:26,926
Be there!
1035
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:29,796
(Cheers and applause)
1036
00:45:33,500 --> 00:45:36,603
(Phil Hartman speaking)And now, Deep Thoughts
1037
00:45:36,636 --> 00:45:39,172
by Jack Handey.
1038
00:45:43,610 --> 00:45:46,680
(Man speaking)If tress could scream, wouldwe be so cavalier
1039
00:45:46,713 --> 00:45:49,082
about cutting them down?
1040
00:45:49,115 --> 00:45:54,087
We might, if they scream allthe time, for no good reason.
1041
00:45:54,087 --> 00:45:57,090
(Soft music)
1042
00:45:57,123 --> 00:45:59,793
(Cheers and applause)
1043
00:46:02,328 --> 00:46:04,898
(Piano playing)
1044
00:46:06,733 --> 00:46:09,035
Good night, everybody!
1045
00:46:11,204 --> 00:46:14,374
(Cheers and applause)(Music)
77453
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