Original subtitles

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Ow! Ow! I'ma kick--ow. Ah!

- Okay, this is our eighth session

to try to improve your behavior,

and if anything, Butt-Head's aggression is getting worse.

- Ow! - Uh, it's the same.

- Ow.

- I'm going to say therapy isn't working.

It's time to try medication. - Ah!

- Yeah, give him some pills.

[chuckles] - No.

I mean, medication for you.

Butt-Head, I want you to take one in the morning

and one in the afternoon.

They should help your behavior.

- Let's flush 'em down the toilet.

[both chuckle]

Uh, wait a minute.

[sniffs]

These smell like grape.

- I wanna try one. C'mon.

- No way, Beavis.

I'm the one who's aggressive.

- Ow! Hey.

- See? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Go get some wuss pills or something.

Mmm. [smacks lips]

Not bad.

- [chuckles]

- It better come with refills.

- Maybe if they get some refills, you can give me--

Ah!

- Good morning, Wilbur!

[pig snorting]

- That thing sounds like you, Beavis.

[mimics grunting]

[pig grunting]

- [chuckling] No, it doesn't.

[grunting]

What is that thing, anyway?

Is that, like, a dog?

- No, he's the star of that movie

where there's like a really annoying spider that has a web

and it keeps making words to save a dog.

[chuckles]

It's stupid. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

- Good morning, buddy!

- Remember when we had that substitute

and he was all, like, drunk,

and then he put that movie on

and just fell asleep at his desk all day?

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

He was like, "Oh, this is educational."

[grunting]

- It was a tear-jerker.

[chuckles]

[both chuckling] - "Jerker."

[both chuckling]

- You got to back up so I can open the door.

- Is this, like, a prison for animals or something?

[chuckles] - Yeah.

Your sentence is having to listen to this lady

for the rest of your life. - [chuckles]

- Good morning, Grayson! [laughs]

- "Good morning, Grayson!" [mocking laughter]

[chuckles] - They should eat her.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, really.

Yeah, see how she likes it.

[chuckling]

- Good morning, Buster.

- Do you know what they call meat from a cow?

[chuckles] Beef.

[chuckles]

[both chuckling]

So, like, um, do those pills,

like, make you feel different or something?

- Eh, no.

But thank you for asking.

[chuckles]

- Oh, um, okay, yeah.

God bless you, or, I don't know.

[chuckles]

This show sucks. [chuckles]

- I guess it does.

But other people probably enjoy it.

[chuckles]

Nothing wrong with that. [chuckles]

- Oh, I--okay.

I guess that's true. [chuckles]

But it does kind of suck, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

- We can watch what you want, Beavis.

Anything you wanna do is fine.

[chuckles]

[screaming on TV]

- This is pretty cool. This is better. [chuckles]

- Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, Beavis.

I like when you enjoy yourself.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, man. What's going on, Butt-Head?

You're kind of acting weird.

- Whoa. - Ah!

- Settle down, Beavis. [chuckles]

- Um, I thought you were gonna

hit me for a second there, you know?

[chuckles]

- Oh, I wouldn't hit you,

Beavis, because you're my friend.

[chuckles]

- Um, Butt-Head, I think you should stop taking those pills.

[chuckles]

- [sighs] [chuckles]

- So the sixth planet is Saturn, mm-kay?

Known for its prominent rings.

- Um, Butt-Head, why are you wearing that shirt?

- Uh, it's a sunny day. Why not wear a sunny outfit?

[chuckles] - Can everyone please focus?

Mm-kay?

Class is almost over,

and I'm just trying to squeeze in Uranus.

- [chuckles]

Uh, Butt-Head? [chuckles]

- Hmm? - [chuckles]

Van Driessen, he kind of said, "I just wanna squeeze in"--

- Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen is trying hard

to squeeze in Uranus, okay?

- Yeah, exactly. Like, um--[chuckles]

- Let's try to give him our attention.

- Yeah, but, um-- - [sighs]

I'm glad I brought a nice, sharp pencil for Uranus.

- Come on, Butt-Head. What's going on?

- Nothing, Beavis.

This is the perfect pencil for Uranus.

[chuckles] [school bell rings]

Oh, darn. [chuckles]

- Whoa! Where'd that come from?

Um, Van Driessen?

I think there's something wrong with Butt-Head.

- Oh, I don't think so at all.

In fact, Butt-Head, I'm very proud of your behavior today.

- No, you don't understand. There's something wrong--

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Van Driessen.

I enjoyed your class today.

- You mean the part about Uranus, right, Butt-Head?

[chuckles]

- I actually liked Saturn, Beavis,

with its prominent rings.

That was my favorite. - What?

- Would you like to join Beavis

and I for lunch, Mr. Van Driessen?

- Butt-Head, no, no.

- Fascinating.

Mt. Van Driessen, I would love to hear

more stories about the teachers' union.

- Oh, no.

- Well, at the next meeting,

there was quite a spirited debate about the health plan.

- Ooh. [chuckles]

The health plan? - Damn it, Butt-Head.

- Are you okay, Beavis?

I brought an extra banana if you'd like one.

- A what?

- A banana, Beavis. [chuckles]

They're delicious-- better than nachos.

♪ ♪

Mmm.

A banana.

[humming] [scratching sound]

- Damn it, Butt-Head. This sucks.

You have to stop taking those pills.

- But Beavis, I was told to take these pills by an adult.

Is there something else that's bothering you?

- Yeah, there is! - [chuckles]

- It's bothering me that you're acting like a butthole!

- I hear you, Beavis.

I'll try to do better. - Damn it.

Stop agreeing with everything I say!

- Okay, Beavis. - See, you did it again!

Stop it!

- What would you like me to do, Beavis?

- Damn it, Butt-Head!

You're a butthole and your mom's a slut

and you suck! [chuckles]

- Beavis, thank you for being honest with me.

I think we can work this out if we just dialogue

like Ms. Ortiz modeled for us, and we--

- [screams] - Oh, Beavis, my pills.

- Ah! Enough!

[screaming]

- Beavis, this is a step backwards for you.

I'm concerned--

- Stop acting like a wuss!

Call me a butthole!

Say, "Beavis is a butthole!"

- [coughing] Don't say that about my friend.

[gagging]

- Oh, damn it. Damn it.

Ah!

[grunting]

- [pukes]

[both panting]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

What the hell is wrong with you, butthole?

- Ah! Hittin' me.

Oh, yeah.

- Beavis, you're about to get your ass kicked.

- No, no, no-- [chuckles]

Ah! - Damn it.

- Ah! - Butthole.

- Ah! Cut it out.

- [grunts] - Ah!

[rock music]

Ow. Ah!

- [grunting]

- Ah!

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Behold, I am Smart Butt-Head. - And I am Smart Beavis.

Greetings, oh, primitive humans.

- We hail from an alternate universe where we,

Beavis and Butt-Head, are super intelligent.

- There are billions and billions

of alternate universes, oh, foolish ones.

- But the one most fascinating to our vast intellects

is the one where Beavis and Butt-Head were teenagers

in the 1990s, but then grew older.

- And they're now middle-aged at the height of their powers.

- Join us, dull-witted earthlings, as we look upon

that universe and sample its delights spread out before us,

like a banquet of space nachos.

- Priceless wit of a satirical bent.

- Whimsical, yes, yes, quite absurd.

- Whimsical, yes, indeed, yes.

♪ ♪

[both chuckling]

- [coughs] - [coughs]

Butt-Head, we're out of beers, Butt-Head.

- Eh, well, go get some more, dumbass.

- I'm out of money.

- So go give some more blood.

- I went twice already this morning.

They won't take my blood anymore, because they said

it's too watery, then I passed out,

and some guy stole my cookie.

I guess we need to, like, get jobs or something.

- Being unemployed is our job, dumbass.

[chuckles] They send us money.

- Ran out of that too.

Should I go down to that unemployment store

and get some more or something?

- Yeah, and hurry up, you worthless dumbass.

- [grunts] Oh, boy.

- Job. [chuckles]

- ♪ Ooh, too lit ♪

♪ Forgot who I was talking to, shit ♪

[both chuckling]

♪ Love ain't how they advertise it ♪

- Oh, hey,

that looks like that time you had that heart attack,

and then they, like, brought you back with that infibulator.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

That thing hurt. [chuckles]

- They said you were dead for a while too.

- Uh, that's right, I was. [chuckles]

When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God,

and he said, "I love you, Butt-Head.

Keep doing what you're doing, and don't ever come back."

[chuckles]

And then I woke up. [chuckles]

- And then d'you, like, change your life or something?

- No. [chuckles]

I was completely unchanged. [chuckles]

And then they sent me a bill for $124,000,

and I never paid it. [both chuckling]

I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it.

[chuckles]

- In a just world, they would've killed you.

[chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

It's not fair. [chuckles]

- That liquor store, like, makes me wanna drink a beer.

[chuckles]

- Uh, you are drinking a beer. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah, but I mean, like,

another one after this. [chuckles]

- Uh, is there anything that

doesn't make you wanna drink a beer?

[chuckles] - Well, let me think.

No.

Oh, um--no, no.

I guess not. [chuckles]

[sighs and chuckles]

I think I'm, like, an alcoholic,

but with beer, you know?

[both chuckling]

Oh, look at that pawn shop.

I think this is our neighborhood.

[chuckles]

- Eh, oh, yeah. It is.

[chuckles] Remember that time you pawned

everything you owned, and you only got $30?

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was a great day, yeah.

I spent it all on some St. Ides.

[chuckles]

That crooked eye, yeah. [chuckles]

I would like more unemployment, please.

- Well, our records show you maxed out your benefits.

- Cool. [chuckles]

- But let's see if we can find you a job.

- What? What? No, no.

No, I came down here for money. Yeah, yeah.

- Let's see what you're qualified for.

Last job?

- I was fired from Burger World.

- And when was that?

- It was, like, two weeks ago.

- It says here 23 years ago. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Also, I donate blood and sperm.

- And you donate the sperm where?

- Um, just kind of everywhere, you know?

- Okay, you're gonna need something completely unskilled.

- Yeah, that sounds cool.

- I have an opening for a home aide.

It's a government program where you help people

who can't take care of themselves

just with ordinary, household tasks.

You know how to do that, right?

- Um, I've been in a house, yeah.

- Here's the client's address.

They pay's not much, but I think you'll find

helping someone even less fortunate than yourself

will help give you self-esteem.

- Self-steam?

- It'll make you feel good about yourself.

- Wow. Self-steam. Hmm.

[chuckling] Dicks.

- [humming]

Okay, time to get your self-steam.

[chuckles]

Time to meet the dillhole who can't take care of himself.

I wonder what he looks like. [chuckles]

Here we go. [chuckles]

- Uh, what are you knocking for, dumbass?

I thought you were the butthole the government sent.

- What butthole? [chuckles]

- The social worker called and asked if I needed help

'cause the neighbors complained.

- Whoa, really? [chuckles]

- I pretended I was a fat dumbass

who never gets off his couch. [chuckles]

And he believed me. [chuckles]

- Well, maybe, maybe I'm the butthole

that the government sent.

- Well then, quit standing around and get to work.

[chuckles]

- So they said first, I'm supposed to, like,

tidy up or something.

- [groans and coughs]

Well, get to it, Beavis. My tax dollars pay your salary.

[chuckles] - I'm gonna throw this away.

- Don't throw those out. - Why not?

- I need those for my business.

- What business?

- One of these days, I'll tell you, Beavis.

I've got big plans.

No, not the bottle.

You can pick up that chip.

[slurps] [sighs]

This is the good life. [chuckles]

Now fix me lunch. - Is that part of my job?

- I was told it was.

- [sighs] Okay, Butt-Head.

- Mr. Butt-Head.

- I'm not gonna call you Mr. Butt-Head,

Butt-Head.

- I don't want to have to report you, Beavis.

You want me to get you fired? - Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-Head.

- If I get you fired, then we don't have any money.

I'm doing this for us.

- Damn it. Self-steam sucks.

- Hey, what's up, guys?

It is Stargirl, the Practical Witch,

and welcome to my YouTube channel today.

We are back again with another virtual, online,

interactive tarot reading.

Now, what I normally have you guys do

during this psychic reading is I have you guys

look at the options with your--

- Uh, hmm.

- [grunts] Oh, boy.

- She's like, "I can see into the future,

and I'm still talking." [chuckles]

- Yeah, I can see way into the future,

and I'm still going on and on and on.

[chuckles]

- All-vegan makeup, which I make a very big deal--

- If you, like, knew you'd eventually score with her,

how long do you think you'd be able to listen to her talk?

[chuckles]

- Probably, like, about five years, maybe six or seven.

- I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay?

I'm not picking that up at all.

But I'm hearing you, like,

spend a lot of time in an RV camper--

- Uh, I have more psychic abilities than she does.

Check this out, Beavis.

Uh, okay, I'm sensing great pain.

- No, no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future,

and then you're gonna smack me.

You've been doing this for 25 years.

Come on.

- Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis,

for I am the great Butt-Headini.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Do not underestimate my powers.

Now check this out.

I'm sensing a--uh-- do you have an uncle?

- No. [chuckles]

- Or, I mean, an aunt, maybe?

- No, no. [chuckles]

- Uh, a cousin?

- No, I don't think so.

I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's--

- Damn it, Beavis.

You said you don't have an uncle.

- I don't--I mean, except for Uncle Bob.

- Damn it, Beavis.

Okay, very well.

I'm sensing a couch.

Is there a couch in your life? [chuckles]

- No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.

[chuckles] - Damn it, Beavis.

You're sitting on a couch. - No, no.

[screams]

[chuckles]

Wait a minute, Butt-Head.

Wait, did you say you were gonna smack me?

[chuckles]

- Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that.

It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.

- Oh, I guess you are pretty good then.

[chuckles]

- It's time to celebrate your first paycheck

by buying me beer with it.

- Right away, Mr. Butt-Head.

- [chuckles]

Uh, what are you doing, Beavis?

- I just want some Count Chocula.

- We need beer, not, like, health food.

- No way! It's my money.

I earned it.

I gave you a bath.

- You wouldn't even have

the money if I wasn't all pathetic or whatever.

- Ah! Damn it--

I'm gonna kill you, Mr. Butt-Head!

- Beavis, you're about to get fired the hard way.

[loud crashing] - Ah!

Ah, no! Ah, no!

Mr. Butt-Head, no, stop! No, ah!

Ow, ah!

Help, Butt-Head! Ow, ow!

- I swear, Beavis, if you're still alive, you're fired.

- [screaming]

- [chuckles]

You're unemployed again.

- I'm making money from workman's comp,

and I still have my self-steam.

[both chuckling]

- No, you don't.

You're a dumb butthole, and you always will be.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I forgot.

Yeah, thank you. [both chuckling]

- Just fascinating. - Yes, yes.

Intellectually stimulating. Yes, yes, very humorous.

- Unfortunately, oh, foolish humans,

your puny brains are too weak

to comprehend what you just saw.

- Yes, yes.

I hope you were at least able to enjoy the pretty colors.

Smart Butt-Head,

let us watch it again to pick up more smart nuances.

- We cannot, because I think I erased it.

- Ah, yes, droll, droll, yes.

Quire risible, yes. - Amusing.

Amusing and humorous, yes, yes.

- Quite off-kilter, yes, yes.

[eerie music]

You missed. - Yes, yes, indeed.

Too much yaw-- entering new coordinates now.

- Um, those are not the right coordinates, Smart Butt-Head.

- Quite farcical, yes.

- Yes, yes, allow me.

[loud crash] - Those were also incorrect.

- Yes, yes, peculiar and quaint, yes, yes.

♪ ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.