All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E04.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

[Cheering]

- Come on, put it... excuse me.

Out of the way, please. [Groans]

Hey!

- Chill out, mamacita.

What's with the,
uh, weekday vibe.

- It is a Tuesday, sir.
- Hey, hey.

You work on that show?

- Yeah, I work on that show.

Just like your mom
works that street corner.

I'm sorry, that's too much.

- No sweat. My
mom is a prostitute.

- Hey! This chick
knows Jenna Maroney!

[Cheering]

- Hey! New drinking game!

Drink when someone
says something!

Whoo! [Laughs]

- Who are you people?

- We're "crabcatchers."

You know, from Jenna's
song catchin' crabs in paradise?

[Jamaican-style music]
- ♪ I caught crabs in paradise ♪

♪ and, yes, I mean
both kinds of crabs ♪

- Oh, I thought that was
at least gonna be innuendo.

- Jenna is playing
the today show,

in a couple of days,

so we're just camping
out and "unwindulaxing."

- Wait, so Jenna's
Jimmy buffett rip-off

is actually a thing?

- See, you people from New York,

you don't know all
the stuff that's going on

in the rest of the country.

Truck races, swamp parties,

mall fires.

- I can't believe
she's pulling this off.

- And I can't believe
I'm pulling this off!

Whoo! [Cheering]

- Why do you have
a tattoo of a seatbelt?

- So I don't get pulled over
when I'm driving shirtless!

[Laughter]

Whoo!

- You wanted to see me?

- Have I mentioned Marisol,

the Mexican sideline
reporter I've been seeing?

Well, since our
weekend in Aspen,

she's been put on pelvic rest.

- [High-pitched gibberish]
Fast-forward noise.

- Marisol was supposed to
attend a fundraiser luncheon

with me today.

It's $10,000 a plate.

And I'll have to eat
the ticket unless...

- unless I eat the ticket.

Fancy luncheon, seafood bar.

I'm thinking 75 cents a shrimp,

over three hours,

and split... Carry 3.75...

- [imitates fast-forwarding]

- By the time I'm done,
you'll be making money.

- Good. I should
warn you, though,

that it's a republican
fundraiser.

So if you're coming, it won't be

as Liz Lemon, HuffPo
superuser and gun-control lunatic.

You'll come as Liz
Lemon, my chum.

- Chum. Okay, I like that.

- And you'll be able to keep
your opinions to yourself?

Oh, good lord, Lemon.

You just locked your mouth
and then swallowed the key.

It makes no earthly sense.

- Shrimp.

[Laughs hysterically]

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Crowd singing Jenna's
song catchin' crabs in paradise]

- ♪ Sunburn's starting to scab ♪

- Jenna's crab
idiots won't shut up.

Why couldn't she have died
when that rabid dog bit her?

- Oh, it wasn't rabid.

I just said that so they'd
have to put it down,

and then I'd be the star of
that dog-food commercial.

- I had to walk an extra block

to get around your
stupid crabcatchers.

My doctor's have been
very clear about this, Jenna.

If I get moderate
exercise, I'm gonna die!

- And I'm mad at your success,

but pretending
it's something else!

- Okay, speaking of me,

how many crabcatchers
fiesta crab hats

would each of you like to buy,

at the unbelievable
price of 49.95?

- Please. I've had a
crab on my head for free!

I'm lying.

- The claws hold your cigarette
while you uncork a "brew-Skye."

- "Uncork a 'brew-Skye'"?

- Yeah, you know.

Ka-zap. Blinky,
blinky, blinky, blinky.

- Those aren't even
the right noises.

Everyone knows
you hate stuff like this.

You're maybe the most
high-maintenance bitch

in Hollywood.

- Maybe? Who's more? Who is she?

- Okay, cut this crap out,

and get those sunburned
"d" -bags out of the Plaza.

- Hey, no can will, Pete.

But have an unwindulaxing day...

You medical office
before-pictures.

- I've never even seen a crab.

I'm sorry.

- I don't need some
Kenyan-born college professor

telling me I didn't
build my company.

Because I earned my trust fund

by always being
polite to grandfather.

Now, Donaghy, still over at NBC,

with all those communists
and homosexuals?

- Reginald, I believe you're
thinking of the white house.

[Chuckling] But not for long.

In two weeks, we
take this country back.

And no bureaucrat can force me

to subsidize female promiscuity
in the name of health care.

- [Mumbled shout]

- Are you okay, chum?

Michelle Obama's on steroids.

- And this is studio 6-h,

home to TGS,
starring Tracy Jordan.

- Oh, my god, it's Jenna.

Visor lady, get a picture of me.

- What do I... press a button?

- No, it's different from every
other camera in the world.

God, I can't escape you people.

- Whoa, chill out, brother.

It's beer o'clock somewhere.

- [Whispers] You're a fraud!

- And you look like a condom

that's been dropped on
the floor of a barbershop.

Are you all unwindulaxing?

This guy looks like he could
use a little "latitude" adjustment.

- Will you sign
my cesarean scar?

Oh, ahh! [Liquid splashes]

- You moron!

- Hey, just a party foul.

- Exactly.

That's why I said,
"you more on."

Like, "pour more on me!"

- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah. [Laughs]

Both: Whoo!

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, yeah!

- She can't be herself
in front of these losers.

She has to be "island Jenna,"

which means...

- We can mess with her.

- We should go to
a pumpkin patch?

- Pranksmen, activate.

- Obama's bailout
would never have worked

if big business hadn't
heroically taken it.

But where's our parade?

- That's idiotic.

- [Whispers] Lemon!
- No, sir.

You don't have enough
shrimp to buy my silence.

Also, you are out of shrimp.

You know better, Jack.

You all know better.

Except for maybe the
really inbred wasps.

- You thank for mention Gordeau!
[Guffaws]

- You're hypocrites.

You believe in
the death penalty,

but it's okay to kill
animals for food?

I don't know where
I'm going with this yet.

Hang on. Hang on!

My boyfriend and
I aren't married.

But we might have a
baby together anyway.

And I hope it's gay... male gay.

Because with the ladies,
it's too much hiking.

But homosexuality
is unnatural, right?

Then why are there
gay dolphins, people?

You heard me.

They make love to their
husband's blowholes.

Let's see that in some
science textbooks.

Oh, that's right.

The whole Texas
board of education thing

that I don't fully remember.

Teachers should get paid
a million dollars a year.

If birth control
pills fixed boners,

you would get them free
with your driver's license.

How do we know
that god isn't a tree?

- Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Elizabeth Lemon.

And, uh, this is what
we're up against.

Four more years of a president

chosen by people like her.

She has an iPad
subscription to the new yorker.

She vehemently
opposes the ivory trade,

despite the jobs it creates.

And in her apartment there is
a black-and-white photograph

where you can
almost see a breast.

[Gasping]

It's an original Leonard nimoy.

- If we do not defeat Obama,

then people like
my little friend here

will destroy this country.

So add a zero to whatever
you were planning to give.

For Romney, for america.

For anyone but her.

- What the hell, Jack?

I thought you said
I was your chum.

- You are my chum.

The bait I throw in the water

to attract the big fish.

- Damn it! Second meaning.

- Hi.

[Jamaican-style music plays]

- ♪ Pour margaritas ♪

♪ sunburn's
starting to scab... ♪

- Yeah.

Whoa.

What are you
douche-compadres doing here?

- Well, Jenna, everyone knows

how you're always so chill.

- So, of course,
you won't freak out

when you see that Cerie is
wearing that exact same shirt

as a dress.

- The belt is a baby's necktie.

- [Sighs]

- Also, I found a bunch of
your pre-nosejob headshots.

You'll sign them so I can
sell them online, right?

- Of course.

'Cause who cares
what you look like.

All that counts
is what's inside...

Your blender.

[Cheering]
- I'm glad you feel that way.

'Cause I've always
wanted to give you a haircut.

- Mm.

[Laughter] Yeah!

- You... virgins, have no
idea who you're messing with.

- Whoa, Jenna.

Unwindulax.

- Oh, I'm not just
Jenna anymore.

I am a god to
those crabcatchers,

and they will do whatever I say.

- So what?

- Oh, I'll tell you so what.

For one thing, if you
cross me or my army,

you will never set
foot in Florida again.

Because that's our capital.

- But I'm judging spike
TV's miss nude divorcee

in tampa on Christmas Eve.

- Oh.

- And I was gonna
visit mgm studios.

The rides there capture

the thrills and
chills of the movies.

- And it doesn't end there,

because my people
are everywhere.

If you ever want to
pick your ball color

at a putt-putt course,

or have your alligator
euthanized humanely,

or fly on delta,

you will back off,

or the crabcatchers
will come for you.

Just as soon as it's
cool for them to drive.

- It's a Gray hoodie.

It say's "who
farted?" On the back.

It's got a bunch of
tampons in the pocket.

I don't know what
else to tell you.

- Lemon, there you are.

- Did your girlfriend
even cancel?

Or was this more
Karl rove trickery?

- Sorry, but I needed
you to come, Lemon.

This luncheon is a fundraiser

for my personal super pac

"Americans for an
American america."

I needed to unite the room
around a common enemy.

And ed begley, Jr.
Wasn't available,

because the sail
on his car broke.

- See, this is why 50.1 % of
Americans hate Republicans.

Because you're
sneaky and cynical.

- Cynical? I think I'm the
very opposite of cynical.

I'm doing everything
I can for my beliefs.

And I truly believe
that one rich person

can make a difference
in this country,

and a roomful of rich people
can... Change the world.

- Well, I also believe that one
person can make a difference.

With ideas.

- [Guffaws] That
really is wonderful.

Harold, you have to hear
this. Lemon, say that again.

- Ideas are more
powerful than money.

[Laughter]

So what are you gonna
do with all this money, Jack?

Buy ad time?

'Cause I'm already
on TV every night,

with a little
something called TGS.

And we just got nominated for
a Stage managers' guild award.

So you may have
millions of dollars, sir,

but america will
hear my two cents.

[Check rips from booklet]

- That's not what
people want, Lemon.

Least of all, from
their televisions.

They want their honeys boo boo

and their Sunday night feetball,

which is the plural of football.

Americans don't want to think.

That's why they need men like me

to pick their
presidents for them.

- Wow. Okay.

So, I guess, it's my
words versus your money.

And we'll see who can
really make a difference

in this election.

It's on, Donaghy.

May the best gender
non-specific person win.

- Just leave the
amount blank, Harold.

[Clattering]

- Those are tampons.

Deal with it.

[Crowd singing]

- For god's sake,
some of us have jobs!

I've got a pile of
1020-gs up here

with no travel times on them,

and if I don't... [Screams]

- Listen up, nerds!

Tonight, TGS is
about to get real.

We've got 38
minutes of air time...

An hour, if the bowling
tournament ends early...

And we are gonna use it to
get the message out there.

- I don't know.

I think we've been hitting
Romney pretty hard.

- I guess that's why
they call me mitt.

- "Baseball mitt Romney"
and "Barack a llama"

aren't saying anything.

I want to make a difference.

We got to do something
big, something that'll go viral.

Like that otter that
looked just like Tracy.

Look, we've got the
greatest resource in the world

at our fingertips:
American celebrity.

We get some hot young actor...

- oh, my grandnephew
Kellan Lutz,

from twilight, is visiting me.

He's in my office.

- I have tolerated
your pathological lying

for six years.

If you speak
again, I will kill you.

- Great-uncle?

Momma's baby is out
of "marsh-mal-lows."

- Sweet grandnephew,

I've been warming more
"marsh-mal-lows" for you

in the pocket of my dungarees.

[Whimsical music]

[Laughs]

- [Chomps]

- Okay, good job, Lutz.

- Gentlemen, token silent lady,

we have to spend all
of our wonderful money,

and help my
hair-mentor, mitt Romney,

become the 11th legitimate
president of the United States.

Garrett, what does
the campaign need?

- Well, as you know,

with pacs like this,
we're not allowed

to have direct contact
with candidates.

[Guffaws] I'm kidding.

I'm Garrett Romney,
mitt's my dad.

But here's the thing, Jack.

My brother-dad, which
is mormon for "dad,"

has more money than
he knows what to do with.

- With all due respect, Garrett,

I don't think that's a thing.

- Well, it's just, at this
point in the campaign,

for us, it's more
about ideas than cash.

- Garrett, I would slap you

if I didn't know you were
going to get your own planet

when you die.

And until your father
has 100% of the vote,

I think we can still
make a difference.

I mean, look how poorly we're
polling with African-Americans.

- Jack, there's no amount
of money that could...

- how dare you talk that
way in front of the pile.

- [Goofy voice]
Aw, thanks, Jack.

- There is no
problem in the world

that can't be solved
by throwing money at it.

Now, let's change
some black minds.

[Crowd singing]

- Look what Jenna's
goons have done.

Pete's going insane.

The pranksmen are neutered.

We can't let her
get away with this.

- Well, what can we do?

We're just three
nerdy white guys,

and she's got a whole army.

- But what if she didn't?

I know what we should do.

- Pumpkin patch?

- Hi, I'm Hollywood
liberal Don Cheadle,

and I supp...

I support mitt Romney.

- Good, continue.

- Barack Obama
would have you believe

that African-Americans are
better off under his leadership.

But I just got $10 million

for appearing in an
ad for mitt Romney.

So ask yourselves,
brothers and sisters,

who's really got your back?

'Cause from where I'm standing,

mitt Romney is a...

Oh, my dear...

Mitt Romney is a layup.

But don't just take it from me.

Take it from my good friend
the black transformer, jazz.

- What's crackin', my homies?

Jazz gets down
with the rom-nizzle.

- Oh, my god, does he really
talk like that in the movie?

- Paid for by Americans
for an American america.

"Dy-no-mite."

- Oh, for heaven's sakes.

- That is garbage.

- What are you talking about?

That was Don Cheadle
and jazz, your heroes.

Do you know how
expensive that was?

Okay, I get it.

Let me do some, uh,
community organizing.

- Sir, I am a deputized
election monitor,

and when my
supervisor Barbara gets

out of her aquarobics class,

she will be hearing about this,

if she's found the hearing aid
she thinks her roommate stole.

[Upbeat music]

- In five, four, three, two.
[Applause]

- Listen up, america.
[Applause]

- Thomas Jefferson once wrote...

[cheering, screaming
and applause]

[Yelling] The greatest
danger to American freedom...

- Shut up! Listen to the words!

- [Yelling] Is a government
that ignores the constitution.

- Take it off!

- No.

[Cheering and screaming]

- Whoo!

- This is so demoralizing.

In the past 24 hours,

I've spent millions of dollars.

I got B.E.T. to let
Mike Huckabee present

"best club banger" at
the hip-hop a wards.

And yet we're still polling at
0% among African-Americans.

If my money can't
make a difference,

I'm moving to Monaco.

- Jack, don't say that.
- I'm serious.

Over there, they solve all
their problems with money.

They use it to put out fires.

- Ce feu m'ennuie.

- Why should I
even bother to vote?

New York will go for Obama
even if I voted a hundred times.

Instead of my usual five.

- Maybe you can
make a difference

in a battleground state.

- Oh, what's the point,
Garrett? You know what?

I'll tell you exactly how this
election is going to play out.

[Cheering on TV]

- Hey. I just came in to
see how my friend's doing,

but obviously he went back
into his mouse hole, so, uh...

How are you?

- [Scoffs]

Jack was right. [Cheering stops]

People don't want an idea
bomb dropped on them.

- Don't give up.

That is not the
Lisa loeb I know.

- Why do I even vote?

New York's gonna
go for Obama anyway.

Maybe if I lived in Ohio, I
could make a difference.

- Actually, no.

Ohio's definitely
going for Romney.

- Yeah, you don't know
which way Ohio's going.

- But I do.

Liz Lemon, I've done stand-up

in every state in this country.

I know the people of america.

I know how they think.

I can tell you exactly how
this election is gonna play out.

- Everyone knows Romney has

a vacation home
in New Hampshire.

What they don't know

is that he hunts
humans on that property.

New Hampshire goes to Obama.

- Now, north Carolina
goes to Romney.

I worked there this summer,

and they are not on board
with a black man lecturing them.

I don't care if it's Obama
talking about health care

or me talking about white butts.

They are different
than black butts.

- Pennsylvania is Obama's.

The voting machines
there have become sentient.

And, for some reason,

they are strongly in
favor of gay marriage.

- But we're not
gonna win Wisconsin.

I don't know why.

- Ever since Tracy set
fire to Lambeau Field,

wisconsinites are coming
around on the death penalty.

Wisconsin goes for Romney.

That just leaves...

- Florida, the penis of america!

- Florida...

The penis of america.

- Pete!

We have a scheme
to destroy Jenna

and her army of cretins.

- For the past seven years,

I've been compiling a supercut

of all of Jenna
Maroney's worst moments.

Security footage, cell
phone videos, rehearsals...

All her biggest diva
freak-outs are on this DVD.

When we put this online,

the crabcatchers will
see what a fraud Jenna is.

- [Grunting]

- Someone get a P.A.
to feed me baby food.

Or I will drop a "d"
in the greenroom.

- No, Pete! Why?

- Last night, after the show...

[Cheering, rhythm
instruments jingling]

I went to give them
a piece of my mind.

- Enjoy, bro.

- But before I could...

- ♪ Slow down ♪

- They gave me peace.

- ♪ Way down ♪

♪ go down to the water ♪

- There were no
1020-gs down there.

No neck pain.

No fear.

Just easy livin'.

Something you mainlanders
wouldn't understand.

- Pete, come on.

- Pete's dead.

I'm Panama, now.

- Now, like any penis,

Florida is very complicated.

The Cubans in the
south... Very conservative.

I had a lot of expensive
cigars put out on me

in Miami comedy clubs.

- But central
Florida is dominated

by Jewish retirees,
serial killers,

and secretly gay Disney princes,

all of whom love Obama.

Meanwhile...

In northern Florida...

Huh.

- The only crowds I
could never figure out

were in northern Florida.

One week they're laughing at me,

the next week,
they're laughing at me.

- According to this,
the electorate there

is impossible to predict.

It's a combination
of elderly shut-ins,

beach bums...

Both: Bus passengers
who ran out of money...

- Swamp people and pirates.

These people don't
like to be told what to do.

They just want to sit
on the beach and drink.

There motto is "unwindulax."

- Unwindulax.
[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]

- Oh, my god.
[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]

- Morning, crabcatchers.

[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]

You all unwindulaxing?

[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]

- One person can
make a difference.

[Whispers] And
that person is Jenna!

- The next president
of the United States

will be chosen by...

Jenna Maroney.

- To be continued...

Mr. Spider.

Ew, web in my mouth!

Male announcer:
Next week, on 30 rock...

Will Jenna Maroney choose

the next leader
of the free world?

Will Jack or Liz manipulate her

into doing the
thing we just said?

Will Cerie ever wear
a piece of clothing

for its intended use?

Will Pete drop the
whole "Panama" thing,

and have a totally
different story?

Spoiler alert... Yes.

Is Tracy actually a wereotter?

Will Kellan Lutz fill his
tummy with "marsh-mal-lows"?

Will the invisible murderer
who's in every scene

finally strike?

Will NBC's head of promotions
ever get that mousetrap

off his penis?

Will Kenneth finally defeat
his Nemesis, Mr. Spider?

Will your DVR cut this pro...