Original subtitles

Live television?

Who cares?

Who cares? Everybody.

- We love live TV. - Do we, Lemon?

Do you really love the overzealous studio audience

who will applaud at anything?

Here in the greatest city on earth, New York, baby? Whassup?

Wait, what are you saying, Jack?

'Cause "TGS" is live.

Not anymore. It's financially impractical.

From now on, you write and shoot the whole season in two weeks.

Just like "wheel of fortune" and, uh, fox news.

No. I mean, I grew up on live TV.

In my parent's basement on a Friday night.

A telethon, a cheese steak.

I can see it like it was yesterday.

Best...

Best sweet 16 ever.

I'm gonna lose my virginity in nine years.

"TGS" has to be live

or we'll lose all the excitement and spontaneity.

I mean, that's the beauty of live TV.

Anything can happen.

There's a bathroom in here you can use,

Kabletown co-worker Kim Kardashian.

See? Awesome.

Yes, but my way is cheaper,

and you only have to work two weeks out of the year.

- I want to go to there. - Jack: Yeah.

So it's settled. Tonight will be "TGS'" final live show.

What? No, live television is an American tradition.

You can't just throw it away.

Sorry, Kenneth, it's a done deal.

Our last live show? No.

♪ Let's go it's the 30 rock live show for pacific time ♪

♪ that is true we'll prove it's up to you ♪

♪ I'll sing the latest news from the NFL draft ♪

♪ five four three two bang ♪

♪ the niners drafted wide receiver aj Jenkins ♪♪

Hazel: Hey, there's a rumor that's spreading

like wildfire around here.

But unlike the wildfires I've started,

this one doesn't sexually arouse me.

Yes, Hazel, it's true. This is our last live show.

But don't worry, it won't affect you.

Unless my plan all along was to run on Stage

during the middle of a sketch and get discovered by Hollywood.

Liz, important me-nnouncement.

Paul and I have decided to get married.

Oh. Wow.

And I told him to propose tonight on tg...

- Absolutely not! - You didn't let me finish.

S.

Come on, Jenna, it's our last live show.

Exactly, and if Jenna Maroney is getting engaged,

it's gonna be on live TV.

I've been working on my reaction since I was three.

It's happening, Liz.

Miss Lemon, Mr. Jordan just discovered

he can get pornography on the Internet.

Oh, my god. He's gonna die in there.

What's going on?

You called a meeting, Lemon?

Actually, I called it.

Gasp!

- What's going on? - What?

Live television is sacred,

and we are not leaving this room

until the 12 of us have agreed to defend her.

There is a great American play

that was first written and performed for live television.

It's called "12 angry men."

No, we're not debating this like a jury. Shut him down, Jack.

"12 angry men" is preposterous, Kenneth.

Eleven decent Americans are swayed by Jane Fonda's father?

Open that door.

- Jack: No, don't... - All: No!

How long do you think you're gonna get away with this?

Jenna or Hazel will notice we're missing.

Have an amazing show tonight, everyone.

I love you all.

Tonight's the night, Hazel.

I do my surprise cameo,

it goes viral, I take medicine for it.

Next stop, Hollywood, Florida,

to get the car from my mom.

Next stop, California, pizza kitchen,

and tell my old boss, Nadine, to suck it.

Next stop, tinseltown,

because Christmas decorations are really cheap

this time of the year.

Nothing brings our country together like live television.

And studio 6h is part of that tradition.

Why, it was right here that NBC broadcast the final episode

of the 1950s classic,

"the lovebirds."

Narrator: It's the kraft product placement comedy hour

sponsored by kraft singles.

Made with milk, it's the cheese that won world war ll.

Don't ask how.

And now, "the lovebirds."

Starring cubby gilmore and Loretta fields.

I'm home, baby.

And I could eat a horse.

Don't you dare touch that bacon till it's done, Larry.

Ooo-boy.

Oh, brother, now I'm cookin' a Turkey, too.

Ah, that's rich.

One of these days, Doris,

I'm makin' a shotgun and blam!

Blow your face off.

It would still be better than our honeymoon.

What was wrong with Niagara Falls?

Your mother found it chilly.

You're a real cut-up.

In fact, one of these days I'm gonna cut you up in pieces

and feed you to the neighbor's dogs.

It'll be the first time you've taken me out

for dinner in years.

Ah, you keep it up, Doris, and bang, zoom,

I'm gonna drown you in the bathtub

and say a mental patient did it.

Like I always say...

That's a funny thing to say.

This is real. Real heart attack.

Uh, here! Eat the bacon.

It'll lubricate your heart.

Ride it out.

Ride it to hell!

Now, come on now, Larry. Don't be a sissy.

I'm having a heart attack, too.

My marriage is a sham.

I got syphilis from Orson Wells.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Harold Spaceman.

I'm known in the industry as the "gay doctor,"

because I always have a smile on my face.

Because I have so many homosexual lovers.

Are you a modern woman who is in the family way?

Smoke chattertons cigarettes.

Your baby's lungs need refreshing nicotine

for science reasons.

And his growing bones need tar to hold them together.

Nine out of ten doctors surveyed said,

"you have a lot of nerve calling here, Spaceman,

after what you tried on my nephew."

♪ Chattertons tastes so cool and mild ♪

♪ a treat for you and your unborn child ♪♪

Man: Official cigarette of the American heart association.

Jenna, remember that package

you gave me to take to Singapore last summer?

I just got out of changi prison.

Aw, thank you. Just portion control and exercise.

Paul!

Did you pick up...

Did you pick up the ring?

Liza minnelli's baby tooth

surrounded by rubies that passed through

a terrified Michael kors.

It'll look amazing on camera.

Look, I don't want to propose on TV.

I, I want it to be private.

What are you saying, Paul?

Rick santorum is right, Jenna.

Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.

Which is why I'm asking you right now

to make me the luckiest schman on the...

Wait, no!

Look, I'm sorry to play the biological woman card here,

but according to roe v. Dwyane Wade,

I have a right to choose

and I choose a televised proposal.

If you can't give me that, I'm not sure what my answer will be.

Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Look, I am the man here, Jenna.

I may have a dress and a wig and a gynecologist,

but I am the man.

Without live TV,

think of the amazing moments we would have missed.

The moon landing.

The Beatles.

"The voice" results show.

Uh, that time Mr. Lutz was an extra,

and he got so nervous he threw up.

No, don't remind him.

I had a lobster roll and two yogurts.

And what about Joey Montero's old variety show?

Why, he was just like you, Mr. Jordan,

because he did not want to rehearse,

and he wanted to leave as soon as possible.

All: Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Montero.

♪ Que facciamo con questo ♪

♪ my love is nowhere in sight ♪

♪ que facciamo con questo ♪

♪ I ask the moon every night ♪♪

Ha-ho! We've got a great show for you tonight.

And even if we don't there's only two other channels,

so who cares?

I tell you, I feel great. I slept like a baby last night.

I woke up crying with a boob in my mouth.

Okay, that was the joke stuff.

Alright, here comes a lady.

Hello, Joey, I'm dusty Springfield.

Sure, let's go with that.

♪ When I said I needed you ♪

I need you too, baby.

♪ You said you would always stay ♪

I can see inside your mouth.

♪ It wasn't me who changed but you ♪

♪ and now you've gone away ♪

Are we on a boat?

That's plenty. Donkey springbeam everybody.

♪ You don't have to stay forever ♪

♪ just be close at hand ♪♪

Where's the gang going tonight, fellas?

Jack Dempsey's steakhouse?

You're invited too, deedee stringbean.

Bring cab fare for the morning though.

Oh, I just burped up some clams casino

which is weird because I didn't even have any. Huh.

Well, hello there, glasses.

Glamor. Excitement.

What we today would call alcoholism.

Live TV had everything.

Well, not everything. Where were the black people?

- Oh. - What?

Uh, actually, Mr. Spurlock,

NBC had the first two black characters on television.

Sort of.

For "Alfie and Abner," NBC hired

one African-American and one Caucasian,

because they thought two black people on the same show

would make the audience nervous.

A rule NBC still uses today.

Abner, I'm home from work.

Where are you, my brother?

Here I is, Alfie.

Oh, hell no. I'm not doin' this.

NBC received a lot of complaints

that the show wasn't on often enough.

So they forced Theodore Freeman to honor his contract.

Alfie, I's done stole dis catfish!

Sir, I am asking you as a human being,

to please stop talking like that.

I'm gonna eat it till I'm belly-full.

This is debasing to the both of us.

I was a tuskegee airman.

Zip-a-Dee-goo-goo.

You may anger me, but I believe

non-violence is the path to change.

And I believes you can catch a rainbow in yo hat.

I'll kill you, you ignorant cracker!

Believe it or not, they did not stop doing the show,

which made for tense but thrilling live TV.

Banjo!

Kenneth.

Kenneth, I've frankly lost track

of what you're trying to convince us of

with these detailed descriptions of TV shows.

Thank you.

Come on, Kenneth, times change. Television replaced radio.

Cars replaced horses.

Not where I'm from.

Are you telling me the mayor of your hometown is a car?

That's pretty weird.

Why are you laughing at me?

Okay. Let's all take a little break.

Hello. I'm test tube adult, Dr. Leo Spaceman.

Did your mother smoke chatterton cigarettes while pregnant

during the 1950s or '60s?

If she did, you probably can't hear me

because of fetal chatterton syndrome.

Turn up the volume!

Recent studies have shown that

while pregnancy is disgusting,

babies do not need tar or nicotine.

If you are currently suffering from chatterton syndrome,

clap your feet, until your service monkey

dials the number below.

Then use the rectum you have instead of a mouth

to say something like "wrulgh"

or "thunghth"

to signify that you wish to join

a class action suit against chattertons.

♪ If your mother smoked chattertons ♪

♪ your sexual organs are covered in bone ♪♪

Alright, this is idiotic. We've got a show to do and...

Oh, my god, Kenneth. My period.

It's a-gonna blow.

We both know you're not due for another nine days.

And I'm ashamed of you, miss Lemon.

Oh, think about your hero, Rosemary Howard.

She wrote for the edgiest live variety show of all time,

"the Gruber brother and nipsey."

Hey, nipsey, what do you get

when you cross a lady driver with a viet cong?

I don't know, Dickie.

What do you get when you cross a lady driver with a viet cong?

A hundred thousand senseless dents.

Do it to it.

Do it to it.

Do it to it.

Do it to it.

Now, as you know, nipsey...

I'm the first streaker!

Streaking's the new thing.

We touched penises.

Narrator: We interrupt this program

to bring you an NBC news special report.

From Rockefeller center,

Chet Huntley and David Brinkley.

Good evening. NBC news has learned...

NBC news has learned that less than an hour ago

there was an explosion aboard the Apollo 13 spacecraft.

- David? - Thank you, Chet.

- Chet? - Thank you, David.

We are awaiting further information. David?

Thank you, Chet. Let's go to the manned space center in Houston

and our reporter on the scene, Mr. Jamie garnett.

- Jamie? - Thank you, Chet and David.

I'm sorry, sweetheart, could you move

out of the way of our camera?

We need to talk to our new reporter there, Jamie garnett.

Now, where is he?

I'm Jamie garnett, gentlemen.

I spoke earlier with NASA flight director glynn lunney.

Listen, doll, you're not making any sense.

You're probably hysterical from menstruation.

Go lie down and make sure you get plenty of iron.

Maybe eat a ham salad.

Also I'm... being told that commander James Lovell is...

Look, honey, you have a dynamite shape,

but you're gonna have to shut up

and let a man tell us what's happening.

Now, is, is your father or a policeman nearby?

Now, where did you find that microphone, sugar mouth?

Was it just lying there on the ground?

Where is Jamie garnett?

This just in, the NBC male news reporter

Jamie garnett is missing

I'm right here, you mother...

Classic live television.

And while they never found Jamie garnett

that woman who stole his microphone went on

to become a wife.

Has Paul not come back? He's not answering his phone.

- What have I done? - Calm down.

Paul's gone, but you're getting proposed to on the show tonight.

By me! This is New York state, bitch.

Anyone can marry anything now.

- What? But... - Oh, come on.

Think about what great TV this will be.

It's everything you want.

No, it's not.

Paul is everything I want.

He's the reason to get married, not TV.

Rick santorum was right.

How could I have been so blind?

Because you're a horrible person.

Aw, thank you, just portion control and lots of water.

All in favor of keeping "TGS" live?

It's still not unanimous. And it never will be.

This is a business, Kenneth, and if live TV went away

the only thing that would change would be NBC's profit margin.

That's not true, Jackie D.

Live TV changed my life.

In 1986, my church dance crew

performed at a regional telethon.

It was my big break.

Flashback.

This is for you, Jesus.

Ow!

Oh, my coccyx!

It's not funny.

Coccyx is the scientific term for your butt bone.

Why are you all laughing?

Why are you...

Oh, I like it.

Coccyx. Coccyx.

Hey, what do you call this?

This is the garry-o-many core.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. I remember that.

That was you?

That's when I realized I was a ridiculous man.

Tracy, I was there.

As a lower-level ge employee.

I was answering phones at that telethon.

When you took off your clothes, they cut to the phone Banks.

Gasp! I made a hilarious prank call

to that telethon.

Wait, did the man who answered

sound like he had the piercing Blue eyes of an ice dragon?

Yes.

Hello, I'd like to speak to general electric.

Madam, I'm afraid...

I'm afraid you're confused.

I was a nurse in the war

and I met him when he was just a Colonel.

He's the father of my child.

General electric is not a person.

Toby, come talk to your father.

Daddy, it's your son, Toby electric.

Alright, whoever this is,

no one, no one jokes down general electric.

Yeah, except your mom last night.

If I ever get my thick...

Do you...

Manly hands on you, I will roast you alive

in an oven I designed myself, using two,

no, three kinds of heat.

I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it.

Watching you get all red-faced on TV,

that was the night I found my calling...

Sticking it to the man.

You know what? That night changed my life, too.

Don Geiss saw my loyalty/handsomeness

and the day, he promoted me out of poisons

and into microwaves.

Live TV made us all what we are today.

- Oh... - No need to take another vote.

"TGS" is meant to be live.

To make it profitable, we'll just do more

sponsored product placement.

You should do it with the upcoming

Warner brothers movie, "rock of ages,"

based on the hit "Broadway musical."

Rocking a theater near you, June 15th!

Tom Cruise sings! Heh heh.

Or I'll just pay you all less.

- Kenneth, let us out of here! - Ugh...

All: Yay!

Paul didn't come.

I ruined everything.

Yeah, you blew it.

So, I'll just jump out at some point

and lez it up with you?

- Okay. - Yes.

Okay, we're live in five, four,

three, Krang!

Narrator: And now, "prince William and prince:

Time-traveling fart detectives."

Yeah... Take that, the man!

Prince, do you smell something fishy?

Wait. Who's that dude?

♪ Zou bisou bisou ♪

♪ zou bisou bisou ♪

♪ zou bisou bisou ♪

♪ zou bisou zou bisou ♪

♪ zou bisou zou bisou ♪♪

Jenna Maroney, you're the woman

I wanna grow old with.

"Old" being an acronym for oxylaprodexatrin.

It's a hallucinogenic plant extract

that makes sex terrifying.

I wanna spend the rest of my life making you happy,

and that's why I'm asking you,

on TV, to marry me.

Oh, Paul.

No, no, a million times no.

Not like this!

I was wrong. You were right.

I don't wanna get married for publicity.

I wanna get married for you,

and so you can't testify against me in court.

I still don't know what's goin' down?

Wow!

Wow, 2.5 million people just saw that.

Uh, now 14 million people just saw it. You're welcome.

Oh, and also, I broke your toilet.

Thank you to Lorne Michaels, Kim Kardashian, Jon Hamm,

Brian Williams, Jimmy Fallon, Amy poehler, Fred armisen,

Chris Parnell, will forte, Donald Glover,

Kristen schaal, Cheyenne Jackson,

Beth McCarthy-Miller and Cindy Burnett.

SNL crew, I love you. "30 rock" crew, I love you!

Watch "parks and rec!"

Written and directed tonight by Amy poehler.