Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:03,971
Live television?
2
00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:05,204
Who cares?
3
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:06,940
Who cares? Everybody.
4
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:09,243
- We love live TV.
- Do we, Lemon?
5
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,145
Do you really love the
overzealous studio audience
6
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:13,580
who will applaud at anything?
7
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:19,286
Here in the greatest city on
earth, New York, baby? Whassup?
8
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,271
Wait, what are you saying, Jack?
9
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:26,560
'Cause "TGS" is live.
10
00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:29,062
Not anymore. It's
financially impractical.
11
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:32,065
From now on, you write and shoot
the whole season in two weeks.
12
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:35,602
Just like "wheel of
fortune" and, uh, fox news.
13
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,071
No. I mean, I
grew up on live TV.
14
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,973
In my parent's basement
on a Friday night.
15
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,842
A telethon, a cheese steak.
16
00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:45,112
I can see it like
it was yesterday.
17
00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:47,446
Best...
18
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,553
Best sweet 16 ever.
19
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:56,590
I'm gonna lose my
virginity in nine years.
20
00:00:57,257 --> 00:00:58,859
"TGS" has to be live
21
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:01,128
or we'll lose all the
excitement and spontaneity.
22
00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:03,163
I mean, that's the
beauty of live TV.
23
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,365
Anything can happen.
24
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,200
There's a bathroom
in here you can use,
25
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:10,671
Kabletown co-worker
Kim Kardashian.
26
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,544
See? Awesome.
27
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,347
Yes, but my way is cheaper,
28
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,883
and you only have to work
two weeks out of the year.
29
00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:25,385
- I want to go to there.
- Jack: Yeah.
30
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:28,488
So it's settled. Tonight will
be "TGS'" final live show.
31
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:32,726
What? No, live television
is an American tradition.
32
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,161
You can't just throw it away.
33
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:36,630
Sorry, Kenneth,
it's a done deal.
34
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:40,701
Our last live show? No.
35
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:47,841
♪ Let's go it's the 30 rock
live show for pacific time ♪
36
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,877
♪ that is true we'll
prove it's up to you ♪
37
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:54,681
♪ I'll sing the latest
news from the NFL draft ♪
38
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:56,149
♪ five four three two bang ♪
39
00:01:56,383 --> 00:02:01,088
♪ the niners drafted wide
receiver aj Jenkins ♪♪
40
00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:07,094
Hazel: Hey, there's a
rumor that's spreading
41
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,029
like wildfire around here.
42
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,098
But unlike the
wildfires I've started,
43
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:13,834
this one doesn't
sexually arouse me.
44
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:16,403
Yes, Hazel, it's true.
This is our last live show.
45
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,238
But don't worry,
it won't affect you.
46
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,807
Unless my plan all
along was to run on Stage
47
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:23,810
during the middle of a sketch
and get discovered by Hollywood.
48
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:34,187
Liz, important me-nnouncement.
49
00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:36,256
Paul and I have
decided to get married.
50
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,824
Oh. Wow.
51
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,460
And I told him to
propose tonight on tg...
52
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,663
- Absolutely not!
- You didn't let me finish.
53
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,531
S.
54
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,867
Come on, Jenna,
it's our last live show.
55
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,836
Exactly, and if Jenna
Maroney is getting engaged,
56
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,705
it's gonna be on live TV.
57
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:55,509
I've been working on my
reaction since I was three.
58
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,819
It's happening, Liz.
59
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,855
Miss Lemon, Mr. Jordan
just discovered
60
00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,624
he can get pornography
on the Internet.
61
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,493
Oh, my god. He's
gonna die in there.
62
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,032
What's going on?
63
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,435
You called a meeting, Lemon?
64
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,804
Actually, I called it.
65
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,037
Gasp!
66
00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:27,573
- What's going on?
- What?
67
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,276
Live television is sacred,
68
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:31,011
and we are not leaving this room
69
00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:34,581
until the 12 of us have
agreed to defend her.
70
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,950
There is a great American play
71
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:40,353
that was first written and
performed for live television.
72
00:03:40,587 --> 00:03:42,189
It's called "12 angry men."
73
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:45,292
No, we're not debating this
like a jury. Shut him down, Jack.
74
00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,894
"12 angry men" is
preposterous, Kenneth.
75
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:51,598
Eleven decent Americans are
swayed by Jane Fonda's father?
76
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,033
Open that door.
77
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,903
- Jack: No, don't...
- All: No!
78
00:03:58,004 --> 00:03:59,949
How long do you think you're
gonna get away with this?
79
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,442
Jenna or Hazel will
notice we're missing.
80
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,078
Have an amazing
show tonight, everyone.
81
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:06,546
I love you all.
82
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,215
Tonight's the night, Hazel.
83
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,016
I do my surprise cameo,
84
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,385
it goes viral, I
take medicine for it.
85
00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:14,821
Next stop, Hollywood, Florida,
86
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,523
to get the car from my mom.
87
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,459
Next stop, California,
pizza kitchen,
88
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,895
and tell my old boss,
Nadine, to suck it.
89
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,563
Next stop, tinseltown,
90
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,597
because Christmas
decorations are really cheap
91
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,868
this time of the year.
92
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,571
Nothing brings our country
together like live television.
93
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:34,307
And studio 6h is
part of that tradition.
94
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:37,978
Why, it was right here that
NBC broadcast the final episode
95
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,113
of the 1950s classic,
96
00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:42,449
"the lovebirds."
97
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:45,519
Narrator: It's the kraft product
placement comedy hour
98
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:48,054
sponsored by kraft singles.
99
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:51,224
Made with milk, it's the
cheese that won world war ll.
100
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,225
Don't ask how.
101
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,594
And now, "the lovebirds."
102
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:58,865
Starring cubby gilmore
and Loretta fields.
103
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,002
I'm home, baby.
104
00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:04,271
And I could eat a horse.
105
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:10,110
Don't you dare touch that
bacon till it's done, Larry.
106
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:18,185
Ooo-boy.
107
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,520
Oh, brother, now I'm
cookin' a Turkey, too.
108
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,322
Ah, that's rich.
109
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:23,824
One of these days, Doris,
110
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,525
I'm makin' a shotgun and blam!
111
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,261
Blow your face off.
112
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,397
It would still be better
than our honeymoon.
113
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:33,433
What was wrong
with Niagara Falls?
114
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,203
Your mother found it chilly.
115
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,004
You're a real cut-up.
116
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,674
In fact, one of these days
I'm gonna cut you up in pieces
117
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:43,443
and feed you to
the neighbor's dogs.
118
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,188
It'll be the first time
you've taken me out
119
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,380
for dinner in years.
120
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:51,051
Ah, you keep it up,
Doris, and bang, zoom,
121
00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:52,604
I'm gonna drown
you in the bathtub
122
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:55,188
and say a mental patient did it.
123
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:57,557
Like I always say...
124
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,128
That's a funny thing to say.
125
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,965
This is real. Real heart attack.
126
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,767
Uh, here! Eat the bacon.
127
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,336
It'll lubricate your heart.
128
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:10,804
Ride it out.
129
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,073
Ride it to hell!
130
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:16,443
Now, come on now,
Larry. Don't be a sissy.
131
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:19,246
I'm having a heart attack, too.
132
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,047
My marriage is a sham.
133
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:24,050
I got syphilis from Orson Wells.
134
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,622
Hello.
135
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,427
I'm Dr. Harold Spaceman.
136
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:36,997
I'm known in the industry
as the "gay doctor,"
137
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,733
because I always
have a smile on my face.
138
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:43,637
Because I have so
many homosexual lovers.
139
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:46,539
Are you a modern woman
who is in the family way?
140
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:48,541
Smoke chattertons cigarettes.
141
00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:51,444
Your baby's lungs
need refreshing nicotine
142
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:52,812
for science reasons.
143
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:56,116
And his growing bones
need tar to hold them together.
144
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,218
Nine out of ten
doctors surveyed said,
145
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:00,331
"you have a lot of nerve
calling here, Spaceman,
146
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:03,823
after what you tried
on my nephew."
147
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,327
♪ Chattertons tastes
so cool and mild ♪
148
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,730
♪ a treat for you and
your unborn child ♪♪
149
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:16,536
Man: Official cigarette of the
American heart association.
150
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,144
Jenna, remember that package
151
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,313
you gave me to take to
Singapore last summer?
152
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:29,416
I just got out of changi prison.
153
00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:34,220
Aw, thank you. Just
portion control and exercise.
154
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:37,590
Paul!
155
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,527
Did you pick up...
156
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:42,862
Did you pick up the ring?
157
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,664
Liza minnelli's baby tooth
158
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,733
surrounded by rubies
that passed through
159
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,336
a terrified Michael kors.
160
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,773
It'll look amazing on camera.
161
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,343
Look, I don't want
to propose on TV.
162
00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:57,944
I, I want it to be private.
163
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,412
What are you saying, Paul?
164
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,215
Rick santorum is right, Jenna.
165
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:05,251
Marriage is a sacred union
between a man and a woman.
166
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,721
Which is why I'm
asking you right now
167
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,589
to make me the
luckiest schman on the...
168
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,424
Wait, no!
169
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,562
Look, I'm sorry to play the
biological woman card here,
170
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:19,032
but according to
roe v. Dwyane Wade,
171
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:21,568
I have a right to choose
172
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,404
and I choose a
televised proposal.
173
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:27,574
If you can't give me that, I'm
not sure what my answer will be.
174
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,743
Are you giving me an ultimatum?
175
00:08:29,976 --> 00:08:31,745
Look, I am the man here, Jenna.
176
00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:34,781
I may have a dress and
a wig and a gynecologist,
177
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,383
but I am the man.
178
00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,357
Without live TV,
179
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:46,793
think of the amazing moments
we would have missed.
180
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,261
The moon landing.
181
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:49,495
The Beatles.
182
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,197
"The voice" results show.
183
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,299
Uh, that time
Mr. Lutz was an extra,
184
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,035
and he got so
nervous he threw up.
185
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:56,268
No, don't remind him.
186
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:01,574
I had a lobster roll
and two yogurts.
187
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:06,713
And what about Joey
Montero's old variety show?
188
00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:08,548
Why, he was just
like you, Mr. Jordan,
189
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,383
because he did not
want to rehearse,
190
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:14,454
and he wanted to leave
as soon as possible.
191
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:22,629
All: Ladies and
gentlemen, Joey Montero.
192
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:28,968
♪ Que facciamo con questo ♪
193
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,005
♪ my love is nowhere in sight ♪
194
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,841
♪ que facciamo con questo ♪
195
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,578
♪ I ask the moon every night ♪♪
196
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:41,514
Ha-ho! We've got a
great show for you tonight.
197
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,826
And even if we don't there's
only two other channels,
198
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:46,286
so who cares?
199
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:49,489
I tell you, I feel great. I
slept like a baby last night.
200
00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:53,193
I woke up crying with
a boob in my mouth.
201
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:57,797
Okay, that was the joke stuff.
202
00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,866
Alright, here comes a lady.
203
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,702
Hello, Joey, I'm
dusty Springfield.
204
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,571
Sure, let's go with that.
205
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:08,241
♪ When I said I needed you ♪
206
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:10,210
I need you too, baby.
207
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:14,647
♪ You said you
would always stay ♪
208
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,583
I can see inside your mouth.
209
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:21,121
♪ It wasn't me who
changed but you ♪
210
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,223
♪ and now you've gone away ♪
211
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,825
Are we on a boat?
212
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,094
That's plenty. Donkey
springbeam everybody.
213
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,797
♪ You don't have
to stay forever ♪
214
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,999
♪ just be close at hand ♪♪
215
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:35,168
Where's the gang
going tonight, fellas?
216
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:37,704
Jack Dempsey's steakhouse?
217
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:39,873
You're invited too,
deedee stringbean.
218
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:42,609
Bring cab fare for
the morning though.
219
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:45,278
Oh, I just burped up
some clams casino
220
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,547
which is weird because I
didn't even have any. Huh.
221
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,350
Well, hello there, glasses.
222
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,219
Glamor. Excitement.
223
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,522
What we today
would call alcoholism.
224
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,423
Live TV had everything.
225
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,959
Well, not everything. Where
were the black people?
226
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,427
- Oh.
- What?
227
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,896
Uh, actually, Mr. Spurlock,
228
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:06,199
NBC had the first two black
characters on television.
229
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,432
Sort of.
230
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,269
For "Alfie and Abner," NBC hired
231
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,671
one African-American
and one Caucasian,
232
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,716
because they thought two
black people on the same show
233
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,108
would make the audience nervous.
234
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,877
A rule NBC still uses today.
235
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,251
Abner, I'm home from work.
236
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,120
Where are you, my brother?
237
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,722
Here I is, Alfie.
238
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,597
Oh, hell no. I'm not doin' this.
239
00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:41,935
NBC received a lot of complaints
240
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,737
that the show wasn't
on often enough.
241
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:49,309
So they forced Theodore
Freeman to honor his contract.
242
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,979
Alfie, I's done
stole dis catfish!
243
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,415
Sir, I am asking you
as a human being,
244
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:58,418
to please stop
talking like that.
245
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:02,055
I'm gonna eat it
till I'm belly-full.
246
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:04,557
This is debasing
to the both of us.
247
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:06,926
I was a tuskegee airman.
248
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,829
Zip-a-Dee-goo-goo.
249
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,598
You may anger me, but I believe
250
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:13,900
non-violence is
the path to change.
251
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:17,270
And I believes you can
catch a rainbow in yo hat.
252
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:20,873
I'll kill you, you
ignorant cracker!
253
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:24,911
Believe it or not, they did
not stop doing the show,
254
00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:29,215
which made for tense
but thrilling live TV.
255
00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:39,057
Banjo!
256
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,634
Kenneth.
257
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,144
Kenneth, I've frankly lost track
258
00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:50,546
of what you're trying
to convince us of
259
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,972
with these detailed
descriptions of TV shows.
260
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:54,941
Thank you.
261
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:58,144
Come on, Kenneth, times
change. Television replaced radio.
262
00:12:58,378 --> 00:12:59,979
Cars replaced horses.
263
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,814
Not where I'm from.
264
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:05,184
Are you telling me the mayor
of your hometown is a car?
265
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,653
That's pretty weird.
266
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,922
Why are you laughing at me?
267
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:13,559
Okay. Let's all
take a little break.
268
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:19,465
Hello. I'm test tube
adult, Dr. Leo Spaceman.
269
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:22,101
Did your mother smoke
chatterton cigarettes while pregnant
270
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,404
during the 1950s or '60s?
271
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,140
If she did, you
probably can't hear me
272
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:29,942
because of fetal
chatterton syndrome.
273
00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:31,878
Turn up the volume!
274
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,247
Recent studies have shown that
275
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,482
while pregnancy is disgusting,
276
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,385
babies do not
need tar or nicotine.
277
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:42,555
If you are currently suffering
from chatterton syndrome,
278
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,757
clap your feet, until
your service monkey
279
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,260
dials the number below.
280
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,896
Then use the rectum you
have instead of a mouth
281
00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:52,265
to say something like "wrulgh"
282
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,233
or "thunghth"
283
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,169
to signify that you wish to join
284
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:59,505
a class action suit
against chattertons.
285
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:02,375
♪ If your mother
smoked chattertons ♪
286
00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:06,412
♪ your sexual organs
are covered in bone ♪♪
287
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:14,620
Alright, this is idiotic.
We've got a show to do and...
288
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,923
Oh, my god, Kenneth. My period.
289
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:20,226
It's a-gonna blow.
290
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:24,030
We both know you're not
due for another nine days.
291
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:26,699
And I'm ashamed
of you, miss Lemon.
292
00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,102
Oh, think about your
hero, Rosemary Howard.
293
00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:33,239
She wrote for the edgiest
live variety show of all time,
294
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:36,175
"the Gruber brother and nipsey."
295
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,246
Hey, nipsey, what do you get
296
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,281
when you cross a lady
driver with a viet cong?
297
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:43,750
I don't know, Dickie.
298
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:47,019
What do you get when you
cross a lady driver with a viet cong?
299
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:49,822
A hundred thousand
senseless dents.
300
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,056
Do it to it.
301
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:54,093
Do it to it.
302
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,496
Do it to it.
303
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,032
Do it to it.
304
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,035
Now, as you know, nipsey...
305
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:05,638
I'm the first streaker!
306
00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:08,040
Streaking's the new thing.
307
00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,143
We touched penises.
308
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,188
Narrator: We
interrupt this program
309
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,548
to bring you an NBC
news special report.
310
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:16,782
From Rockefeller center,
311
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:20,019
Chet Huntley and David Brinkley.
312
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:24,056
Good evening. NBC
news has learned...
313
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:26,259
NBC news has learned
that less than an hour ago
314
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:29,362
there was an explosion
aboard the Apollo 13 spacecraft.
315
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,664
- David?
- Thank you, Chet.
316
00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:34,133
- Chet?
- Thank you, David.
317
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,736
We are awaiting further
information. David?
318
00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:39,705
Thank you, Chet. Let's go to the
manned space center in Houston
319
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,942
and our reporter on the
scene, Mr. Jamie garnett.
320
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:45,912
- Jamie?
- Thank you, Chet and David.
321
00:15:46,145 --> 00:15:47,613
I'm sorry, sweetheart,
could you move
322
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,015
out of the way of our camera?
323
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,218
We need to talk to our new
reporter there, Jamie garnett.
324
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,519
Now, where is he?
325
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:54,921
I'm Jamie garnett, gentlemen.
326
00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:57,790
I spoke earlier with NASA
flight director glynn lunney.
327
00:15:58,024 --> 00:16:01,093
Listen, doll, you're
not making any sense.
328
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:03,463
You're probably hysterical
from menstruation.
329
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,032
Go lie down and make
sure you get plenty of iron.
330
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,034
Maybe eat a ham salad.
331
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:10,770
Also I'm... being told that
commander James Lovell is...
332
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:12,905
Look, honey, you
have a dynamite shape,
333
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,316
but you're gonna have to shut up
334
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:17,109
and let a man tell
us what's happening.
335
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:21,481
Now, is, is your father
or a policeman nearby?
336
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:25,051
Now, where did you find that
microphone, sugar mouth?
337
00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:26,764
Was it just lying
there on the ground?
338
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,254
Where is Jamie garnett?
339
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,457
This just in, the NBC
male news reporter
340
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,292
Jamie garnett is missing
341
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,695
I'm right here, you mother...
342
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:39,031
Classic live television.
343
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,469
And while they never
found Jamie garnett
344
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:46,038
that woman who stole
his microphone went on
345
00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:48,174
to become a wife.
346
00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:52,445
Has Paul not come back?
He's not answering his phone.
347
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,480
- What have I done?
- Calm down.
348
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,984
Paul's gone, but you're getting
proposed to on the show tonight.
349
00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:00,520
By me! This is New
York state, bitch.
350
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,523
Anyone can marry anything now.
351
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:04,876
- What? But...
- Oh, come on.
352
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,759
Think about what
great TV this will be.
353
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:08,361
It's everything you want.
354
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,596
No, it's not.
355
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,732
Paul is everything I want.
356
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:16,335
He's the reason to
get married, not TV.
357
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,170
Rick santorum was right.
358
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:19,939
How could I have been so blind?
359
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:21,841
Because you're
a horrible person.
360
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:27,013
Aw, thank you, just portion
control and lots of water.
361
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:33,586
All in favor of
keeping "TGS" live?
362
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,522
It's still not unanimous.
And it never will be.
363
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,158
This is a business, Kenneth,
and if live TV went away
364
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,061
the only thing that would change
would be NBC's profit margin.
365
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,197
That's not true, Jackie D.
366
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,166
Live TV changed my life.
367
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,468
In 1986, my church dance crew
368
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,637
performed at a
regional telethon.
369
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,439
It was my big break.
370
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:54,707
Flashback.
371
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,380
This is for you, Jesus.
372
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:08,688
Ow!
373
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,624
Oh, my coccyx!
374
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:12,925
It's not funny.
375
00:18:13,159 --> 00:18:17,396
Coccyx is the scientific
term for your butt bone.
376
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,298
Why are you all laughing?
377
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:20,733
Why are you...
378
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,935
Oh, I like it.
379
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,039
Coccyx. Coccyx.
380
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,353
Hey, what do you call this?
381
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:31,410
This is the garry-o-many core.
382
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:36,215
Oh, my god.
383
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:39,251
Oh, my god. I remember that.
384
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:40,485
That was you?
385
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:44,423
That's when I realized
I was a ridiculous man.
386
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,125
Tracy, I was there.
387
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:47,693
As a lower-level ge employee.
388
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,862
I was answering
phones at that telethon.
389
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,665
When you took off your clothes,
they cut to the phone Banks.
390
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:55,334
Gasp! I made a
hilarious prank call
391
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:57,303
to that telethon.
392
00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,271
Wait, did the man who answered
393
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:02,041
sound like he had the piercing
Blue eyes of an ice dragon?
394
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:03,376
Yes.
395
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:08,914
Hello, I'd like to speak
to general electric.
396
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,652
Madam, I'm afraid...
397
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:17,456
I'm afraid you're confused.
398
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:18,891
I was a nurse in the war
399
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,661
and I met him when
he was just a Colonel.
400
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,597
He's the father of my child.
401
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,733
General electric
is not a person.
402
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,703
Toby, come talk to your father.
403
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:34,040
Daddy, it's your
son, Toby electric.
404
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,543
Alright, whoever this is,
405
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:40,546
no one, no one jokes
down general electric.
406
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:44,050
Yeah, except your
mom last night.
407
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,952
If I ever get my thick...
408
00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:55,293
Do you...
409
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,866
Manly hands on you,
I will roast you alive
410
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,202
in an oven I designed
myself, using two,
411
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,571
no, three kinds of heat.
412
00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:08,174
I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it.
413
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:13,713
Watching you get
all red-faced on TV,
414
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,781
that was the night
I found my calling...
415
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:17,583
Sticking it to the man.
416
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,886
You know what? That
night changed my life, too.
417
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,723
Don Geiss saw my
loyalty/handsomeness
418
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:25,825
and the day, he promoted
me out of poisons
419
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,827
and into microwaves.
420
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,696
Live TV made us all
what we are today.
421
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,732
- Oh...
- No need to take another vote.
422
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,233
"TGS" is meant to be live.
423
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,068
To make it profitable,
we'll just do more
424
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:38,037
sponsored product placement.
425
00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:39,514
You should do it
with the upcoming
426
00:20:39,538 --> 00:20:41,018
Warner brothers
movie, "rock of ages,"
427
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:42,607
based on the hit
"Broadway musical."
428
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,343
Rocking a theater
near you, June 15th!
429
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,946
Tom Cruise sings! Heh heh.
430
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:50,382
Or I'll just pay you all less.
431
00:20:50,616 --> 00:20:53,986
- Kenneth, let us out of here!
- Ugh...
432
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,722
All: Yay!
433
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,428
Paul didn't come.
434
00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:03,863
I ruined everything.
435
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,097
Yeah, you blew it.
436
00:21:05,331 --> 00:21:07,099
So, I'll just jump
out at some point
437
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,335
and lez it up with you?
438
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:10,568
- Okay.
- Yes.
439
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,606
Okay, we're live in five, four,
440
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,908
three, Krang!
441
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,321
Narrator: And now,
"prince William and prince:
442
00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:21,447
Time-traveling fart detectives."
443
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,883
Yeah... Take that, the man!
444
00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:27,219
Prince, do you smell
something fishy?
445
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:28,754
Wait. Who's that dude?
446
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:33,492
♪ Zou bisou bisou ♪
447
00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:37,196
♪ zou bisou bisou ♪
448
00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:38,664
♪ zou bisou bisou ♪
449
00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:40,466
♪ zou bisou zou bisou ♪
450
00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:44,303
♪ zou bisou zou bisou ♪♪
451
00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:48,574
Jenna Maroney, you're the woman
452
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:49,975
I wanna grow old with.
453
00:21:50,209 --> 00:21:53,212
"Old" being an acronym
for oxylaprodexatrin.
454
00:21:53,445 --> 00:21:55,381
It's a hallucinogenic
plant extract
455
00:21:55,614 --> 00:21:58,050
that makes sex terrifying.
456
00:21:58,284 --> 00:22:00,820
I wanna spend the rest of
my life making you happy,
457
00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:02,253
and that's why I'm asking you,
458
00:22:02,388 --> 00:22:04,890
on TV, to marry me.
459
00:22:05,124 --> 00:22:07,726
Oh, Paul.
460
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,363
No, no, a million times no.
461
00:22:11,597 --> 00:22:13,399
Not like this!
462
00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:15,634
I was wrong. You were right.
463
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:17,903
I don't wanna get
married for publicity.
464
00:22:18,137 --> 00:22:19,772
I wanna get married for you,
465
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:23,642
and so you can't testify
against me in court.
466
00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:27,246
I still don't know
what's goin' down?
467
00:22:34,420 --> 00:22:36,222
Wow!
468
00:22:36,455 --> 00:22:38,591
Wow, 2.5 million
people just saw that.
469
00:22:38,824 --> 00:22:42,061
Uh, now 14 million people
just saw it. You're welcome.
470
00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:44,563
Oh, and also, I
broke your toilet.
471
00:22:55,107 --> 00:22:57,843
Thank you to Lorne Michaels,
Kim Kardashian, Jon Hamm,
472
00:22:58,077 --> 00:23:00,946
Brian Williams, Jimmy Fallon,
Amy poehler, Fred armisen,
473
00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:03,249
Chris Parnell, will
forte, Donald Glover,
474
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:04,984
Kristen schaal,
Cheyenne Jackson,
475
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,753
Beth McCarthy-Miller
and Cindy Burnett.
476
00:23:07,987 --> 00:23:10,222
SNL crew, I love you.
"30 rock" crew, I love you!
477
00:23:10,456 --> 00:23:11,790
Watch "parks and rec!"
478
00:23:12,024 --> 00:23:16,295
Written and directed
tonight by Amy poehler.
35278
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof