Original subtitles

[Dance music]

- Good show tonight, Mr. Jordan.

- Hey, Kenneth, why aren't your teeth glowing

in the black light?

- You'll have to ask the fella who whittled 'em for me.

♪ ♪

- It's her, isn't it?

- I don't kiss and tell, Jack.

- Ahh, because you're a gentleman, Danny.

It's good to finally have another one of us around here.

- I'm just happy to be here.

A month ago I was doing a robot act on the street,

so I know my place.

I want to be TGS' Steve Nash.

Come down from Canada, work hard,

make the black guy look good.

- Did you just make a sports reference?

You know how little of that I get here?

- Look at me in the black light.

It's tron.

Watch out, sark. It's me, Flynn.

[Imitates light cycle]

[Chuckles] Light bike.

Good job tonight, Danny.

Robot Lorenzo lamas was funny.

As was robot Ryan Seacrest and David Hasselbot.

- Hey, it's the writing.

- It's really not.

So now that Danny's here,

you actually come to the after-parties?

- It's nice to have another man around for once.

- Oh, there are other men...

♪ ♪

Oh, boy.

- It's not what you think!

It's something I need to wear to support my breasts!

- Lemon, I have season tickets to every sports team

in New York.

So close to the action, you'll feel

like you're sitting in front of an hd television

and they're wasted on you and your co-workers.

- Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron?

I've been doing cool stuff all game.

Whoo!

- But my biggest problem with quiddich is,

if the snitch is 150 points,

why does anyone bother with the quaffle?

[Cheering]

- Hey, jeter! Are you jealous?

I'm with my new boyfriend!

- But now that Danny's here,

I have someone to do guy stuff with.

Have actual male conversations.

You know, he confided in me he's got a little something

going with one of the girls here.

Maybe it's that Russian dancer with the tattoos,

which is the crazy sex trifecta.

- That girl has a name, Jack.

We call her "Skankovitch."

- I'm sure you disapprove.

But the workplace has a hierarchy,

and Danny is a star.

All the pretty little things down here

always want to be with the people up here.

- Whatever.

As long as he's discreet about it.

- It's a younger man's game, Lemon.

But I can't say that I don't miss it.

You'd be in your office late at night.

The new girl would come in with some flimsy excuse

to be there.

[Imitating woman] "Oh, Mr. Donaghy.

I forgot to give you the factory worker death rates."

Then she'd laugh at your lame joke.

A touch on the arm...

[Inhales deeply]

And you take your reward.

[Inhales sharply]

You take your reward.

- How drunk are you?

- A lot to very.

- Boy, that robot body paint does not wash off.

- Is it the body paint or is Danny just glowing

like a beacon of manly camaraderie?

Oh, god.

I'm extremely drunk.

- Oh, my.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Hey.

We got to get Danny out by 5:00 today.

I guess Jack's taking him to the Knicks game.

- Liz, I can't do girls' lunch today.

- We've never done that.

- Because I have an audition for gossip girl.

- Oh, I love that show.

- I play Tartine Gramercy,

an heiress to a vermouth fortune

and a freshman at NYU.

- Really? A college freshman?

- That's right. In this scene they gave me,

I'm fighting with my mother,

a washed-up actress who's clinging

to her last scraps of faded glamour.

- Uh-huh.

It's interesting that they highlighted the mother's lines.

- Well, that's so I'll know what part not to read.

As if the word "mother" didn't tip me off already.

[Chuckles]

Wish me luck.

- We really should have said something.

What happens when she gets there

and finds out she's the mom?

- Oh, Pete, that's later.

Maybe we'll be dead by then.

- Oh, that'd be great.

- Sue, you're probably wondering why we asked you

to join the entourage.

Well, over the years, I've had a complicated relationship

with women, from my treatment of the dancers here

to my remarks about Madeleine albright

at the 1996 white house correspondents' dinner.

What? It's true.

She does look like one of those.

- Now that Mr. Jordan's having a daughter,

he wants to learn to give all women

the respect they deserve.

Even you foreigners.

- That's why I'm adding a daughter

to the entourage family.

Now what's on the schedule for today?

- "10:00 A.M. Dotcom shows up pictures

from his trip to Greece."

- I think I'm gonna go ahead and cancel that.

- Okay, I'll reschedule... Again.

"11:00 A.M. go to strip club."

- I'll get the car.

- Hang on! No.

I don't think we should go to a strip club.

It just doesn't feel right.

I think we should let the new member

choose an activity.

- I like to go to Tasti D-Lite.

- I said we're not going to a strip club.

- Pinkberry?

- What don't you understand?

I don't want to take you to a strip club.

- Oh, come on, you hoser!

- Hoser!

So what did you do after the party the other night?

- Well, my work friend and I went to her office.

- Ooh, she has an office.

Hey, is it that chick lawyer who does

the sexual harassment presentation?

Because she's asking for it.

Okay, no more guesses. Continue.

- All right, so we're getting into it,

and she takes off her glasses.

Real sexy. - Nice.

- But she never takes off her shoes,

which I kind of like.

Even though the reason is

she's never let a man see her feet.

- What?

- And she's kind of a tease.

Mostly we just kiss and then she makes me

go down to the deli to get her a sandwich.

So we haven't gone too far, but under that dress,

I can tell she's wearing some weird underwear.

I want to see it.

- They're called Spanx.

- Hello. - Jenna, thanks so much

for coming in.

This is Archeria.

She'll be reading with you. - Hi.

- Okay, Tartine has just discovered

videos of her boyfriend on her mother's online sex diary.

Both: "Mother, is there something I don't know

about you and Wainwright?"

[Laughter]

- What are you doing?

- Sorry. Let's start over.

Both: "Mother, is there something I don't..."

- Jenna, you're reading the wrong lines.

- What do you mean?

I'm not playing the mo...

[laughter]

- [Maniacal laughter]

[Screams]

- You wanted to see me?

- Close the door, Lemon.

So we haven't talked about your personal life lately.

Anything new going on there?

- No. Same old nothing.

- Nothing? Really?

That's too bad.

'Cause you know what I always say,

black light attack!

- What?

Oh, boy.

That stuff does not wash off.

- You and Danny?

I would have guessed anyone else.

Jenna, Sue...

- all right, come on.

- How is this possible?

- Well, I don't know if you know this, Jack,

but the workplace is a hierarchy,

and I am Danny's boss.

Sometimes all the... [Imitating Jack]

Pretty little things down here want to be

with the people up here.

And they come into your office late one night

with some flimsy excuse.

- [Knocks on door] Hey, Liz.

I just want to show you this new iPhone app.

You shake it and it sounds like an empty can.

Huh? - [Chuckles]

My favorite apps are the ones before my entree.

- [Hearty laugh]

Oh, my god.

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

So what are you up to right now?

- And I took my reward.

- Lemon, you need to end this now.

- What? No.

Jack, you were just talking about

how you miss office hook-ups.

That is a double standard.

- Calm down. - I won't calm down.

Women are allowed to get angrier than men

about double standards.

- It's not about that.

Yes, I've had office relationships in the past,

but always with people that I could transfer

to another city or introduce to Nicolas Sarkozy.

Danny is on your show.

- Yeah, but it's not serious.

- It's not serious yet.

End it before it starts affecting the show.

- [Sighs] Fine.

I'll talk to him when he gets in.

- What did he do to the back of your knees?

- A lady never tells.

- Hey, buddy, you like Italian ice?

- Hey, watch your mouth!

She's only 34 years old!

K?

What's wrong with me?

First, I don't want to go to strip clubs,

and then I get angry at the hilarious dude

that says something awesome.

- There's nothing wrong with you, sir.

It's just you're treating Sue like family now.

That makes you feel protective of her.

- But I'm not like that with my sons.

When they were little, I threw them

in the deep end of our pool to help them

get over their fear of sharks.

- Well, it's different with girls.

You want to protect them from the world.

I'm proud of you, sir.

It's like a whole new part of your heart has opened up.

- Thank god, 'cause the doctors keep telling me

it's pretty clogged.

- The mother.

They wanted me to play the... Mother.

- Oh, boy. Okay, here we go.

Pete! Jenna just got the...

[scoffs]

- A mother?

I'm not a mother.

Would a mother be planning a sex tour

of Vietnam this spring?

- Just... just come on.

Look, you're a beautiful woman,

but you can't play prom queens and murdered runaways forever.

- But those were my majors at the royal tampa academy

of dramatic tricks.

- You can try to fight getting older.

You can be like Madonna and cling to youth

with your Gollum arms or you can be

like Meryl Streep and embrace your age with elegance.

- So you're saying it's a choice

between the dignity of middle age

and the illusion of youth.

- Two paths.

Meryl Streep or Madonna.

- Very well.

I will emulate my acting inspiration.

A woman of profound poise whose career

is what we all aspire to.

- Okay, this build-up is making me nervous.

- A woman whose feminine grace and normal outfits

are an inspiration.

- Just say who it is and I'll feel better.

- Someone whose very name stands

for enduring beauty and the wonder of womanhood.

- Please don't say... - Madonna!

- [Sighs]

Hey, Danny.

- Hey, Liz.

Look, I know we're supposed to pretape

that robot v. Wade cold open tonight,

but Jack said I can skip it and go

to the rangers game with him.

- Yeah, sure, you can go,

but, um, we have to talk.

- Okay.

- Richard, would you excuse us please?

- What's up?

- Meet me in my office in five minutes.

- Well, just let me change.

- Ah! Mmm, no. That won't be necessary...

Officer.

[Whistling]

- What are you happy about?

[Gasps] Did we get canceled?

- Can't a girl just be happy?

Oh, no. Jenna, don't do this.

- Hang on.

I'm just tweeting that I ran into you.

This is so tandem.

- "Random," Jenna.

Those kids are saying the word "random."

- Ow! Come on, you guys! Stop it!

Turn it off, Frank. - [Chuckles]

- What's going on?

What are you doing to Cerie?

- Frank downloaded this high-pitched tone

that can only be heard by young ears.

- They use it in Japan to keep kids

from loitering outside of convenience stores.

- Cerie's the only one that can hear it.

The rest of us are too old.

- Oh! Not me!

I can hear it!

Oh! My ears are, like, dying.

Ahh! Facebook!

- Um, I already turned it off.

[Laughter]

I also have this low-frequency tone

that can only be heard by people over 40.

- Have you started playing it yet?

[Laughter]

- Ah!

Lemon, can I speak with you for a moment?

- What is happening to me?

- Danny and I were supposed to have lunch today.

Why didn't he show up? - I don't know.

Maybe he had something better to do.

- Well, I had a porterhouse for two alone.

I am very angry and sleepy.

This is from Danny's chips costume.

What is it doing here?

- Officer, what's going on up there?

- It's an accident.

A really bad one.

- [Gasps] - Mmm.

- This badge is a symbol of dignity, honor,

and dramatized 1970s inter-ethnic California

daytime motorcycle highway justice.

- I'm sorry, Jack. I changed my mind.

- I'm trying to look out for the show here, Lemon.

- Yeah, I don't think you are.

While stuck in a pile-up

on the pacific coast highway earlier,

I realized something.

You take Danny away from work

whenever you want to hang out.

I don't think this is about the show.

I think you have some sort of problem

with the fact that Danny is with me.

- For four years I've had to make do

with what passes for men in this place.

With their untucked shirts, boneless faces,

their stars, both wars and trek.

I needed a man around here and I finally have one.

- No, I finally have one.

Liz Lemon has a handsome, goof-around,

make-out buddy.

- And that's the problem.

Danny can't be my Alpha-male wingman

and his boss'...

Little scrump nugget.

They're incompatible.

- Well, then I guess it's on.

May the best man win.

- Oh, he will.

[Door closes]

- Where you going?

It's board game night.

- Out. - Out with whom?

- This guy Doug.

- Well, does Doug have a last name?

- Okay, everybody. Let's just...

- you can't make me stay here!

- You are a part of this entourage.

- I didn't ask to be in this entourage!

- Look! I know you didn't mean that.

- I do mean it. I'm not like you!

I'll never be like you!

[Door closes]

- And now I'm at the point where I love just kissing.

We kiss for an hour, and it's totally enough for me.

- Uh-huh.

This is good guy talk.

- She has really thin lips, but she makes up

for it with tongue girth.

- Okay, maybe we just watch the game,

forget about girls for a night.

- Yeah! [Cheering]

- Whoo!

- You know, my little cuddlebaby

loves to watch figure skating,

and I'm really starting to get into that.

- And now turning to women's health.

Our latest information on women's sexuality finds

female libido does tend to peak

in those years just before perimenopause

in what scientists and doctors like myself

are calling their dirty 30s.

Women are also looking at the latest...

- I got to go, Jack.

- What?

You're leaving?

It's only zero-zero.

- I'll talk to you in the morning.

- Liz Lemon.

Wow!

- That was a low blow last night, Lemon.

- What can I say, Jack?

I guess I'm getting a second wind here

at the tail end of my dirty 30s.

- This whole week has been such a bummer.

- Hey, when did we add this grizzly Adams sketch?

- I wrote it last night... Late.

The shirt should be... Filthier.

- If you were a man, you would have to register

yourself as a sex criminal.

I'm taking Danny back. - Oh, good luck with that.

Remember, if it doesn't work out,

there's always Lutz.

- [Screams]

- ♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be ♪

♪ forever young ♪

- Jenna, stop it!

- Ow.

- Look, you claimed that you want to be happy,

but that's never gonna happen

until you are honest about who you are.

- That's easy for you to say.

I've built my career on a certain image

and you have no idea what I go through to maintain it.

The workouts, the lotions, pretending I wasn't

fourth runner-up at the miss teen bicentennial pageant.

- Ooh, that's...

- and you don't understand the fear I live with.

The fear of people ever seeing the real me.

- Yes, I do.

We all have secrets.

You know that I have something I've been hiding

from the world for 20 years.

- What are you talking about?

- If you come out as your real age,

I will reveal my friend Tom.

- [Gasps]

You would do that for me?

How long would it take?

- Well, if I do nothing,

he'll be here within 48 hours.

- Ow.

- Good morning, li...

- [gasps]

- [Gasps]

- Oh... my... god.

- I'd like you all to meet Tom.

Tom Selleck.

He's my moustache.

- Thank you, Liz.

It's funny.

All my "a-ha" moments end with a moustache pressed against me.

- There you are!

Kenneth and I were worried sick about you.

- I think Doug put something in my drink and I don't remember...

- that's not important anymore.

I want to talk to you about our fight the other night.

Look, having a girl in your life is different.

You want to protect her, and the best that you can hope for

is that someday a nice man will come

and take her from you.

That's it.

- Hey, Sue, I need you in the writer's room.

- [Tearfully] I knew this day would come.

I just didn't think it would be so soon.

You take good care of her.

[Alphaville's forever young]

- ♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪ do you really want to live forever ♪

♪ forever ♪

♪ and ever ♪

♪ forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

- I don't know if I can go through this

with a real daughter.

- Yes, you can.

I know that was hard, but I bet

you wouldn't give up this week

with miss Laroche Vanderhoot for anything.

- No, I wouldn't.

Not for a billion doll hairs.

- I'm sorry. Did you say "doll hairs"?

- Yeah, they're not worth nothing.

You could probably sell 'em to a doll company

and get maybe 40 grand for 'em.

- [Chuckles]

- Danny.

Danny, I know.

I know Liz is your secret work girlfriend.

- [Sighs]

I wanted to tell you, but she thought

we should be discreet.

I mean, we're just having fun.

- I know.

You need to end it now.

- What? Why?

- I never told anyone this.

And that's why if you ask people about it,

they won't know what you're talking about,

because it's a secret, not because it's a lie.

- Okay, I understand. - Good.

Now here's my secret.

My secret is...

I'm in love with Liz Lemon.

- What?

- It's true.

It was love at first sight.

I ache for her sexually.

How could I not?

I'm entranced by those mud-colored eyes,

set back in... That skin.

And her laugh.

Her walk.

That splay-footed walk.

And that...

Whole situation right there.

And...

Oh.

Moustache?

Good god, Lemon.

- Jack, I had no idea.

I mean, the last thing I want to do is screw up our friendship.

Me and Liz, I'll end it today.

- You'd do that for me?

- Mmm! - Whoa!

- Yeah, I think I'll be okay.

- Oh, mother.

I can't believe you're dying of old age.

- Don't cry for me, Tartine.

I've had a full life.

Oh, the things I've seen.

The first Clinton administration.

The Nagano Olympics.

Microsoft windows '95.

But I'm 41 now.

Time to die.

- [Sobbing]

- And cut!

[Applause]

[Dance music]

- So Danny says that he and I can't hook up anymore.

- And I am taking him to the fight

at the garden tomorrow night.

I guess the best man won.

- Uh-huh.

Well, the reason that he gave me was that

someone else here is in love with me.

- It was my only move, Lemon, and it was hard, believe me.

- What did you say you loved about me?

Did you talk about my body?

Did you say how you like to watch me dance?

Yeah. You like that?

- You're embarrassing yourself, Lemon.

- Mm-hmm. It started out as a joke,

but it's becoming real.

♪ ♪

I don't care!

I'm having a good time!

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

All: [Chanting] Go, Lutz!

Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz!

Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz!

Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz! Go, Lutz!

[Laughter]

- Go to work, Lutz! Go to work, Lutz!