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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:41,333 DR. EVIL: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. 2 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:46,505 I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins. 3 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:52,219 And yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. 4 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,929 That makes me angry. 5 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:58,642 And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. 6 00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:01,603 And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... 7 00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,231 ---pe0ple die! 8 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,649 [SCREAMING] 9 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:07,484 RAUGHS] 10 00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:10,404 Whoa! Aah! 11 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,991 DR. EVIL: Why must I be surrounded by fricking idiots? 12 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:17,327 [BOTH SCREAMING] 13 00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:24,251 DR. EVIL: Mustafa, Frau Farbissina. 14 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,087 I spared your lives because I need you to help me... 15 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,840 ...rid the world of Britain's top secret agent. 16 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:36,471 The only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers. 17 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:46,023 - Yeah. WOMAN: Oh! It's Austin. 18 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,026 [WOMEN GIGGLING] 19 00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,944 [WOMEN CHATTERING] 20 00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,552 WOMAN: Oh, it's Austin. 21 00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:18,513 Come on, babies. Work with me, people. All right. 22 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,474 Show me love. 23 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,726 [CAMERA CLICKING] 24 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,394 Great, baby, yeah. 25 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:28,231 Oh, behave. 26 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,984 WOMAN: It's Austin Powers! 27 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,196 [WOMEN SCREAMING] 28 00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:39,993 Yeah. 29 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,081 [ALL SCREAMING] 30 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:56,635 -It's Austin Powers! - Aah! Oh, my God! 31 00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:59,388 [CROWD SCREAMING] 32 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,275 [ALL CHEERING] 33 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,427 [HORN HONKS] 34 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,891 [CROWD SCREAMING] 35 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:50,647 - Hello, Mrs. Kensington. - Hello, Austin. 36 00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:53,775 Why don't you ever model for me, Mrs. Kensington? 37 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,279 You know how Mr. Kensington feels about that. 38 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,322 Oh, behave. 39 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:04,327 Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Yeah, baby, yeah. 40 00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:06,246 Oh! 41 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,665 [COMMUNICATOR RINGING] 42 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:14,588 Hello, Austin. I'm Basil Exposition, with British Intelligence. 43 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:19,634 We have just received word that Dr. Evil is planning a trap for you tonight... 44 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,846 ...at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club... 45 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,514 ...here in swinging London. 46 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,308 We'll be there. 47 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,025 [AUSTIN LAUGHING] 48 00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:39,821 [CROWD SCREAMING] 49 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:43,784 AUSTIN: Yeah, come on, baby. Whoo! 50 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:48,163 There you go. Come on swingers, yeah. Yeah. 51 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,750 [STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK'S "lNCENSE AND PEPPERMINTS" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS] 52 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,546 MRS. KENSINGTON: Austin, it's a swinging shindig. 53 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:59,925 It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out. 54 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:03,178 Yeah, man! 55 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,406 - Can I get you a drink, Mr. Powers? - Sure. 56 00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:26,409 Austin, we've got to look for Dr. Evil. 57 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:30,455 Wait, I've got an idea. 58 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:34,084 Austin, why on Earth did you hit that woman? 59 00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,545 AUSTIN: Right. Let me show you, baby. 60 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:40,757 That ain't no woman. It's a man, man. 61 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:42,551 [CROWD GASPS] 62 00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,511 It's one of Dr. Evil's assassins. 63 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,430 MAN: Look out, he's got a knife! 64 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,432 [CROWD GASPS] 65 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:56,940 Good work, Mrs. Kensington. All right, get up. Get up! 66 00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,277 Right. Where's Dr. Evil, huh? Where is he? 67 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,071 [CROWD SCREAMS] 68 00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:05,282 AUSTIN: There's the bastard. 69 00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:06,741 [CROWD GASPS] 70 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:09,911 Come on, let's go. Excuse me, coming through. 71 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,621 Excuse me. 72 00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:18,128 - I've got you now, Dr. Evil. DR. EVIL: Not this time. 73 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:23,967 Come, Mr. Bigglesworth. See you in the future, Mr. Powers. 74 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,303 [DR. EVIL LAUGHING] 75 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:31,600 My God, he's freezing himself. 76 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,280 Oh, my God, look! 77 00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:02,255 BASIL: And so Dr. Evil escaped and had himself cryogenically frozen... 78 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,091 ...to return at a time when free love no longer reigned... 79 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,302 ...and greed and corruption ruled again. 80 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:23,860 [PHONE RINGS] 81 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,070 Yes? 82 00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:26,947 - Commander Gilmour? - Speaking. 83 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,282 Commander, this is Ritter in SoWest Com Three. 84 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:33,119 We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle. 85 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,373 GILMOUR: What are you saying, son? 86 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,792 Well, it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy. 87 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:42,045 Good God, he's back. 88 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,422 Well, in many ways, the Big Boy never left, sir. 89 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,842 He's always offered the same high-quality meals at competitive prices. 90 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:51,888 - Shut up. - Shall I scramble TacHQ for an intercept? 91 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:56,851 - What's its current position? - Well, I'm presently tracking it over Nevada. 92 00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:58,812 Oh, my God. The Big Boy's gone. 93 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:03,400 Listen, son, I want you to forget what you saw here today. 94 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,567 [PHONE RINGS] 95 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,111 GILMOUR: Philips. 96 00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,696 - Call the President. - Yes, sir. 97 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,449 Prepare the jet. Bring my overnight bag. 98 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:17,747 And, uh, Philips, feed my fish. Not too much. 99 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,250 I'm off to London, England. 100 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,549 BASIL: Powers volunteered to have himself frozen... 101 00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,759 ...in case Dr. Evil should ever return. 102 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,512 GILMOUR: Well, I hope your boy's up to it. 103 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:38,309 We don't wanna have to bail you guys out again, like after WWII. 104 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,396 BASIL: This is our celebrity vault. 105 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:56,745 - Please. BORSCHEVSKY: Who is this Austin Powers? 106 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,913 BASIL: The ultimate gentlemen spy. 107 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,042 Irresistible to women, deadly to his enemies. 108 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:05,587 A legend in his own time. 109 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:09,632 COMPUTER". Attention: Stage One. Laser cutting beginning. 110 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,553 Laser cutting complete. 111 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:30,361 Stage Two: Warm liquid goo phase beginning. 112 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,992 Warm liquid goo phase complete. 113 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:41,122 Stage Three: Reanimation beginning. 114 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:44,751 Reanimation complete. 115 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,961 [COUGHS] 116 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:52,509 COMPUTER: Stage Four: Cleansing beginning. 117 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:55,845 AUSTIN: Ahh. 118 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,265 COMPUTER: Cleansing complete. 119 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:25,917 Stage Five: Evacuation beginning. 120 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,878 [URINATING] 121 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:37,929 [URINATING CONTINUES] 122 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:47,063 [URINATING CONTINUES] 123 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,070 [URINATING STOPS] 124 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,739 COMPUTER: Evacuation com-- 125 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:59,492 [URINATING] 126 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,416 [URINATING STOPS] 127 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,750 COMPUTER: Evacuation com-- 128 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,419 [URINATES] 129 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,213 COMPUTER: Com-- Com-- 130 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,798 [URINATING STOPS] 131 00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:15,258 COMPUTER: Evacuation com-- 132 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,427 [URINATING] 133 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:22,140 I don't want Smarties, I want a Mars bar, Mommy. 134 00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,350 [GROANING] 135 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,770 Wh--? Where am I? 136 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:32,192 You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1997. 137 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,944 You've been cryogenically frozen for 30 years. 138 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,197 Who are these people?! 139 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,783 The shouting is a temporary side effect of the unfreezing process. 140 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:45,455 Yes, I'm having difficulty controlling the volume of my voice! 141 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,791 BASIL: This is Commander Gilmour, U.S. Strategic Command... 142 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:52,128 ...and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence. 143 00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:54,797 Russian Intelligence, are you mad? 144 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:59,135 A lot's happened since you were frozen. The Cold War's over. 145 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:03,640 Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? 146 00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:07,769 - Hey, Comrades? Hey? - Austin, we won. 147 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:11,272 Oh, groovy. Smashing. Yea, capitalism. 148 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,942 Hello. Hello. 149 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,444 Mr. Powers! The President's quite concerned. 150 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,655 We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada. 151 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:22,784 Dr. Evil. When do I begin? 152 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:25,995 Immediately. You'll be working with Ms. Kensington. 153 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,248 Mrs. Kensington. 154 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:32,543 Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long since retired. 155 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,464 Ms. Kensington is her daughter. 156 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,883 Ah, here she is. 157 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:44,847 Vanessa is one of our top agents. 158 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:56,109 My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body. I'll bet she shags like a minx. 159 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,613 How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process... 160 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,283 ...I have no inner monologue? 161 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:08,454 I hope I didn't say that out loud just now. 162 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,707 [CHUCKLES] 163 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:12,542 [BASIL slel-ls] 164 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:16,713 Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the '90s. 165 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,173 You know, a lot's changed since 1967. 166 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:23,052 No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex... 167 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,638 ...with many anonymous partners without protection... 168 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:29,267 ...while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs... 169 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:34,647 ...in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound. 170 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,566 [SIGHS] 171 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:43,823 - Danger Powers' personal effects. - Actually, my name is Austin Powers. 172 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:48,578 - It says here, "Name: Danger Powers." - No, no, no. 173 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,414 Danger's my middle name. 174 00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:54,751 Okay, Austin Danger Powers: 175 00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:58,880 - One blue crushed-velvet suit. - Hey, all right. 176 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:02,050 - One frilly lace cravat. - There it is. 177 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,011 One silver medallion with male symbol. 178 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:09,098 - One pair of Italian boots. - Buongiorno, boys. 179 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,852 One vinyl record album: Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits. 180 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:19,692 AUSTIN: Hey, Burt. How are you? - One Swedish-made penis-enlarger pump. 181 00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:22,612 That's not mine. 182 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:27,367 One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis-enlarger... 183 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,077 ...signed by Austin Powers. 184 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:32,121 I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine. 185 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:36,125 One warranty card for Swedish-made penis-enlarger pump... 186 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:38,252 ...filled out by Austin Powers. 187 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,964 I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby. 188 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,967 One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: 189 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:51,974 This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers. 190 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,434 Ah. 191 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,562 - Just sign the form. - Okay, don't get heavy, man. I'll sign. 192 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,982 You know, just to get things moving, you know. 193 00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,401 You all right, baby? 194 00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:05,613 Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward to working with you... 195 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:08,825 ...but do me a favor and stop calling me baby. 196 00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:13,955 - You can address me as Agent Kensington. - Oh, come on. 197 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:18,501 - All right, then. Vanessa. - Was that so hard? 198 00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:19,877 [VANESSA CHUCKLES] 199 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,171 Now, come along. We have to leave immediately. 200 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,757 We've preserved your private jet just as you left it. 201 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:29,512 -It's waiting at Heathrow Airport. - My jumbo jet? Smashing, baby. 202 00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:32,306 Ooh, sorry. 203 00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:34,434 [WHISPERS] Mr. Powers. 204 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:41,524 Quickly. Quickly, come on, now. Let's go. 205 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,362 [BAND PLAYING PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC] 206 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:58,708 DR. EVIL: Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. 207 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:01,878 It's been 30 years, but I'm back. 208 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:06,340 Everything's gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. 209 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:10,052 Due to a technical error by my henchman, Mustafa... 210 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,723 ...complications arose in the unfreezing process. 211 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:17,643 - My design was perfect. - Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth! 212 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:18,936 [MEOWS] 213 00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:25,151 But, Dr. Evil, we were unable to anticipate feline complications... 214 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,028 ...due to the reanimation process. 215 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,362 DR. EVIL: Silence! 216 00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:30,239 [YELLS] 217 00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,950 [MUSTAFA SCREAMS] 218 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,456 Let this be a reminder to you all... 219 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:41,626 ...that this organization will not tolerate failure. 220 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:44,086 [MUSTAFA GROANING] 221 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:50,551 Gentlemen, let's get down to business. 222 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,929 [MUSTAFA GROANING] 223 00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:58,267 - We've got a lot of work to do. MUSTAFA: Someone help me. 224 00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:02,438 I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned. 225 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,944 Some of you I know. Some of you I'm meeting for the first time. 226 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:11,906 MUSTAFA: Aah. Hello up there. Anyone? 227 00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:15,868 Could someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain. 228 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,454 Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet-- 229 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:20,790 MUSTAFA: Ohh! - Excuse me. Heh. 230 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:22,833 - Yes, he's down there. MAN: ls he dead yet? 231 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,295 No, not dead. No, burnt, badly. 232 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:28,548 Should I take care of him, possibly with a gun? 233 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,174 -'(es. - Kill him? 234 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,634 Right. 235 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,303 MUSTAFA: If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here... 236 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:37,431 ...I could get out. See, I designed this device myself. 237 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:38,808 [DOOR OPENS] 238 00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,727 MUSTAFA: Oh, hi. Good. I'm glad you found me. 239 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,981 Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just-- 240 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,732 [GUNSHOT] 241 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,694 MUSTAFA: You shot me! - Okay, moving on. 242 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,572 MUSTAFA: You shot me right in the arm! Why did--? 243 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,490 [GUNSHOT] 244 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,584 [DOOR CLOSES] 245 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:08,588 Right. Let me go around the table and introduce everyone. 246 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:13,759 Frau Farbissina, founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army. 247 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:19,640 Random Task, Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire. 248 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:24,020 Random Task, show them what you do. 249 00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:35,656 [NECK CRACKS] 250 00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:41,078 Patty O'Brien, ex-Irish assassin. 251 00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:45,041 His trademark, a superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake... 252 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,336 ...from his good-luck bracelet on every victim he kills. 253 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:52,882 Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence. 254 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:56,385 Yeah, they're always after me lucky charms. 255 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,013 [CHUCKLING] 256 00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:00,848 [SNICKERING] 257 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:04,685 What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? 258 00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,563 They are after me lucky charms. 259 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:09,523 What? 260 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:15,112 It's a television commercial, with this cartoon leprechaun. 261 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,573 And all of these children are trying to chase him. 262 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:21,243 "Hey, leprechaun man, leprechaun man. We want to get your lucky charms." 263 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:25,414 Ha, ha. Oh, and there's all of these little tiny bits of marshmallows... 264 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:29,210 ...just stuck right in the cereal, so that when the kids eat them, they think: 265 00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,504 "Oh, this is candy. I'm having fun." Ha-ha-ha. 266 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:39,345 Finally we come to my number-two man. His name? 267 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:40,930 Number Two. 268 00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:47,978 For 30 years, Number Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire. 269 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:54,777 Dr. Evil, over the last 30 years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. 270 00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:59,615 About 15 years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals... 271 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:02,451 ...to the communications industry. 272 00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:05,913 We own cable companies in 38 states. 273 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:11,794 We own a steel mill in Cleveland, shipping in Texas, oil refineries in Seattle... 274 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:16,382 ...and a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories. 275 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,634 Naturally, yes. 276 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,469 Gentlemen. 277 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,265 I have a plan. 278 00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:29,228 [MR. BIGGLESWORTH MEOWS] 279 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,443 It's called blackmail. 280 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:40,990 As you know, the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. 281 00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:45,286 Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money... 282 00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:49,999 ...or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage... 283 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:55,045 ...and therefore, would have to divorce. 284 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,964 [NUMBER TWO CLEARS THROAT] 285 00:20:57,131 --> 00:21:01,844 Prince Charles did have an affair, he admitted it, and they are now divorced. 286 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,430 Right. Okay, you have to tell me these things. 287 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:09,351 All right? I've been frozen for 3O years, okay? 288 00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:15,858 Throw me a fricking bone here. I'm the boss. Need the info. 289 00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:19,278 Okay, no problem. Here's my second plan. 290 00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:22,490 Back in the '60s, I developed a weather-changing machine... 291 00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:25,159 ...which was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam... 292 00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:26,952 ...which we called a "laser." 293 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:32,333 Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the world... 294 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,669 ...which we call the "ozone layer." 295 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:39,381 Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in... 296 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:45,471 ...increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless... 297 00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:50,226 ...the world pays us a hefty ransom? 298 00:21:51,227 --> 00:21:52,394 [CLEARS THROAT] 299 00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:58,067 That also already has happened. 300 00:21:58,567 --> 00:21:59,985 Shit. 301 00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:03,405 Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do: 302 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:07,409 Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage, yeah? Good. 303 00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:09,411 Gentlemen, it's come to my attention... 304 00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:13,082 ...that a breakaway Russian republic, Kreplachistan, is about to transfer... 305 00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:18,087 ...a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. 306 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:22,883 We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... 307 00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:26,679 ...$1 million. 308 00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,556 [CLEARS THROAT] 309 00:22:29,390 --> 00:22:34,186 Well, don't you think we should, maybe, ask for more than a million dollars? 310 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,107 A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. 311 00:22:38,274 --> 00:22:41,819 Virtucon alone makes over $9 billion a year. 312 00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:45,364 - Really? That's a lot of money. - Mm-hm. 313 00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:50,244 Okay, then. We hold the world ransom for... 314 00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:56,000 ...$100 billion. 315 00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:01,797 AUSTIN: Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh? 316 00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:06,302 When you see this jet a-rocking don't come a-knocking, baby, yeah. 317 00:23:06,468 --> 00:23:08,596 I'm gonna need you to sign these release forms. 318 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,639 - Release forms? - You're not officially... 319 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:14,351 ...working for the Ministry of Defense. These forms indemnify the Ministry... 320 00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:17,813 ...against any, um, mishaps that may occur in the line of duty. 321 00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:22,651 Mishaps? But isn't that what being an international man of mystery is all about? 322 00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:28,490 Okay, name: Austin Danger Powers. 323 00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:30,993 Sex: Yes, please. 324 00:23:31,869 --> 00:23:33,287 [CHUCKLES] 325 00:23:33,454 --> 00:23:36,665 How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense? 326 00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:41,795 Oh, well, I went to Oxford where I excelled in several subjects... 327 00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:44,340 ...but I ended up specializing in foreign languages. 328 00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:47,968 You know, I really wanted to travel. You know, sort of see the world. 329 00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:51,180 That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go in the back and shag? 330 00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:53,724 - What? - I've been frozen for 30 years. 331 00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:56,435 I've gotta see if my bits and pieces are still working. 332 00:23:56,602 --> 00:23:59,355 - Excuse me? - My wedding tackle. 333 00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:01,148 - I'm sorry. Uh-- - My meat and two veg. 334 00:24:01,315 --> 00:24:02,816 My twig and berries. 335 00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:06,028 - Hello, lads, are you still awake? - Mr. Powers, Mr. Powers, please. 336 00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:09,490 I'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on our mission... 337 00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:12,034 ...and give your libido a rest. 338 00:24:13,202 --> 00:24:15,120 Can I, uh...? 339 00:24:15,663 --> 00:24:18,374 Can I show you something? 340 00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:35,641 I won't bite, hard. 341 00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:42,356 All right. 342 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,819 Let me ask you a question, and be honest. 343 00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:48,696 Ooh! 344 00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:54,868 Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do I? 345 00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:58,205 God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process. 346 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:00,749 - Oh, turbulence. Oh, look at that. - Oh! Aah! 347 00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:02,918 - Oh, turbulence. Oh, I fell over. - Oh! 348 00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:05,838 - Oh, I fell over again. - Get off me. Oh! 349 00:25:06,005 --> 00:25:07,923 Mr. Powers! 350 00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:12,094 I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth... 351 00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:15,597 ...and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of the human race... 352 00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:18,308 ...depended on our having sex simply for procreation... 353 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:20,728 ...I still would not have sex with you. 354 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:23,605 What's your point, Vanessa? 355 00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:25,441 [SIGHS] 356 00:25:27,276 --> 00:25:30,696 [THE MIKE POWERS POPS' "CALL ME" PLAYING ON STEREO] 357 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,493 [VANESSA SCOFFS] 358 00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:37,995 [CHUCKLES] 359 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,540 Yeah. 360 00:25:41,874 --> 00:25:44,376 Remember when we froze your semen? 361 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:47,087 You said if it didn't look like you were coming back... 362 00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:49,048 ...we should try to make you a son... 363 00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:51,717 -...so that a part of you could live forever? - Oh, sure. 364 00:25:51,884 --> 00:25:57,139 Well, after a couple of years, we got a little impatient. 365 00:25:57,306 --> 00:26:01,477 Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son. 366 00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:02,811 MY Son? 367 00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:04,396 [SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 368 00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:05,814 - Scott! - Ugh. 369 00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:07,107 [DOOR OPENS] 370 00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:12,446 [DOOR CLOSES] 371 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:17,785 DR. EVIL: Hello, Scott. - Hi. 372 00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:23,165 I'm your father, Dr. Evil. 373 00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:26,835 I haven't seen you my whole life. 374 00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:30,923 And now you come back and just expect a relationship? 375 00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,300 Pfft. I hate you. 376 00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:37,679 What? 377 00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:41,809 - Can I have a hug? SCOTT: No. 378 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:43,852 - Give me a hug. SCOTT: No way. 379 00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:45,145 - Come here. SCOTT: I'm not. 380 00:26:45,312 --> 00:26:46,438 - Let's go. SCOTT: Forget it. 381 00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:48,315 DR. EVIL: Pronto. - What are you doing? 382 00:26:48,482 --> 00:26:51,819 I'm With it. I'm hip. 383 00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:54,655 [HUMMING] 384 00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:02,412 Hah. 385 00:27:05,541 --> 00:27:09,545 Well, don't look at me like I'm fricking Frankenstein. Give your father a hug. 386 00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:13,465 - You're-- Hey. Don't touch me. - Come on. Hug. Hug. 387 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:16,844 - Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho. - Hug. 388 00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:33,068 [TIRES SCREECHING] 389 00:27:33,235 --> 00:27:36,196 AUSTIN: Viva Las Vegas, baby! Yeah! 390 00:27:44,830 --> 00:27:45,998 [AUSTIN CHEERS] 391 00:27:46,165 --> 00:27:50,252 - Yeah. VALET: Welcome to Las Vegas, sir. 392 00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:58,760 - So which side of the bed do you want? - You're sleeping on the sofa, Mr. Powers. 393 00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:01,096 In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity... 394 00:28:01,263 --> 00:28:03,682 ...to remind you the only reason we're sharing a room... 395 00:28:03,849 --> 00:28:06,935 ...is to keep up the context that we're a married couple on vacation. 396 00:28:07,102 --> 00:28:11,273 Right. Shall we shag now or shall we shag later? 397 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,109 How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? 398 00:28:14,276 --> 00:28:18,614 You know, top and tails? Whore's bath. Personally, before I'm on the job... 399 00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:22,576 ...I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's your father. 400 00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:25,078 I'm just joking, Vanessa. 401 00:28:25,245 --> 00:28:29,374 I'm just trying to get a rise out of you, that's all. For shits and giggles. 402 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,044 Let's unpack. 403 00:28:38,008 --> 00:28:40,886 Gor blimey. Nerd alert. 404 00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:44,348 [AUSTIN slel-ls] 405 00:28:55,484 --> 00:28:56,777 How did this get in here? 406 00:28:57,319 --> 00:29:02,115 Somebody's playing a prank on me. Honestly, it's not mine. 407 00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:05,827 Hey, Americans. Yeah. Enjoy that wine. 408 00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:07,371 Hey, there you are. 409 00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:10,332 - Do I know you? - No. But that's where you are, you're there. 410 00:29:10,499 --> 00:29:13,835 Hey, viva Las Vegas, baby. Hey, how are you? 411 00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:15,379 - Okay, Austin? - Yes. 412 00:29:15,545 --> 00:29:18,257 Austin. There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon... 413 00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:21,051 ...which we think may be linked to Dr. Evil. 414 00:29:21,218 --> 00:29:24,596 Plenty of the Virtucon executives are gambling in this casino. 415 00:29:25,055 --> 00:29:28,350 AUSTIN: Smashing. Let's go. VANESSA: Look. There's one over there. 416 00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:29,977 Changing a thousand. 417 00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:32,521 Hello. Excuse me. 418 00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:39,861 - Do you mind if I join you? - Not at all. 419 00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:42,990 DEALER: Game is blackjack, gentlemen. 420 00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,617 Ten thousand dollars minimum bet. 421 00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:49,037 King for you, sir. And a three for you. 422 00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:53,125 Seventeen. 423 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:03,635 - Hit me. - You have 17, sir. 424 00:30:04,386 --> 00:30:06,888 I like to live dangerously. 425 00:30:09,975 --> 00:30:11,977 Four. Twenty-one. 426 00:30:12,144 --> 00:30:15,564 MAN: Nice. Nice. WOMAN: Nice. 427 00:30:15,731 --> 00:30:17,024 Well-played. 428 00:30:18,692 --> 00:30:20,235 Five. 429 00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:24,489 I'll stay. 430 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,326 I suggest you hit, sir. 431 00:30:29,745 --> 00:30:35,751 - I also like to live dangerously. DEALER: As you wish, sir. 432 00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:41,757 Twenty beats your five. I'm sorry, sir. 433 00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:46,887 Well, I won't lie to you. Cards are not my bag, baby. 434 00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:53,060 Allow myself to introduce...myself. 435 00:30:53,477 --> 00:30:58,732 My name is Richie Cunningham. And this is my wife, Oprah. 436 00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:02,778 My name is Number Two. 437 00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:09,117 This is my Italian confidential secretary. Her name is Alotta. Alotta Fagina. 438 00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:13,580 - Come again? - Alotta Fagina. 439 00:31:13,747 --> 00:31:18,293 I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. It sounded like you said your name was a lot of, uh... 440 00:31:19,628 --> 00:31:21,505 Never mind. 441 00:31:23,507 --> 00:31:27,469 - What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two? - That's my business. 442 00:31:27,636 --> 00:31:28,804 Oh. 443 00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:32,474 Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room. 444 00:31:33,475 --> 00:31:35,519 You keep your eye on the Italian bird. 445 00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:38,230 - We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite. - Okay. 446 00:31:38,563 --> 00:31:40,607 WOMAN: Anything else? MAN: No. 447 00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:59,000 You didn't happen to see anything at all? 448 00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:02,170 [WHISPERS] Sorry. 449 00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:15,183 ATTENDANT: Ow! 450 00:32:15,350 --> 00:32:17,018 Howdy. 451 00:32:19,688 --> 00:32:21,690 [COUGHING] 452 00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:23,275 Whoo! 453 00:32:23,442 --> 00:32:25,694 That is one crazy getup you got there, fella. 454 00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:27,112 Oh, thank you. 455 00:32:27,279 --> 00:32:30,991 - Are you in the show? - Uh, no, actually. I'm English. 456 00:32:31,158 --> 00:32:35,537 - Ooh. I'm sorry. - Right. 457 00:32:45,046 --> 00:32:50,051 - Hey, partner. Have a good one. - Ah. Okay. 458 00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:52,095 [SIGHS] 459 00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:02,481 [CHARMS JINGLING] 460 00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:05,150 [GRUNTING] 461 00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:14,951 Hey, partner. Come on, you gotta relax. Don't force it. 462 00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:17,579 Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lung. 463 00:33:17,746 --> 00:33:19,831 [GRUNTING] 464 00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:23,710 [WHISTLING] 465 00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:26,296 [AUSTIN GRUNTING] 466 00:33:26,463 --> 00:33:27,923 [PATTY GRUNTS] 467 00:33:30,884 --> 00:33:35,597 Who does Number Two work for? 468 00:33:36,473 --> 00:33:40,101 Who does Number Two work for? 469 00:33:40,268 --> 00:33:42,604 That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's boss. 470 00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:45,357 [PATTY GURGLING] 471 00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:49,194 Hey. Hey, just grab a hold of something, bite your lip and give it hell. 472 00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:52,405 Come on, we're gonna get through this. 473 00:33:52,572 --> 00:33:54,282 [PATTY GURGLING] 474 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:56,535 [AUSTIN GRUNTING] 475 00:33:56,701 --> 00:34:00,121 Hey, that sounds pretty nasty. How about a courtesy flush over there? 476 00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:02,582 [TOILET FLUSHES] 477 00:34:09,089 --> 00:34:13,468 Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat? 478 00:34:13,635 --> 00:34:16,763 [BAND PLAYING PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC] 479 00:34:23,979 --> 00:34:27,732 DR. EVIL: Gentlemen, the warhead is ours. 480 00:34:28,275 --> 00:34:32,571 Patch me through to the United Nations Security Secret Meeting Room. 481 00:34:33,989 --> 00:34:37,158 Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil. 482 00:34:37,325 --> 00:34:41,997 In a little while, you'll notice that the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing. 483 00:34:42,163 --> 00:34:47,210 If you want it back, you're going to have to pay me... 484 00:34:47,377 --> 00:34:49,921 ...$1 million. 485 00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:52,173 [ALL LAUGHING] 486 00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:54,050 [NUMBER TWO CLEARS THROAT] 487 00:34:56,845 --> 00:34:58,013 Sorry. 488 00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:02,392 One hundred billion dollars. 489 00:35:02,559 --> 00:35:05,270 Gentlemen, silence. 490 00:35:05,437 --> 00:35:09,149 - Now, Mr. Evil... - Dr. Evil. 491 00:35:09,316 --> 00:35:11,568 I didn't spend six years in evil medical school... 492 00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:14,154 ...to be called mister, thank you very much. 493 00:35:14,321 --> 00:35:19,492 It is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists. 494 00:35:19,659 --> 00:35:24,331 Really? So long. 495 00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:29,044 [ALL SHOUTING] 496 00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:33,256 Gentlemen, in exactly five days... 497 00:35:33,423 --> 00:35:37,469 ...we will be $100 billion richer. 498 00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:39,971 [LAUGHING] 499 00:35:41,056 --> 00:35:43,725 [ALL LAUGHING] 500 00:36:06,456 --> 00:36:08,041 - Ooh-hoo. Heh. - Ha,ha. 501 00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:09,751 [CHUCKLES] 502 00:36:13,797 --> 00:36:15,298 VANESSA [ON PHONE]: Hello? Mummy? 503 00:36:15,465 --> 00:36:20,637 - Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin? - He's asleep. 504 00:36:20,804 --> 00:36:24,891 - You didn't. - No. I made him sleep on the sofa. 505 00:36:25,058 --> 00:36:29,688 - Vanessa, I'm proud of you. - Why? 506 00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:34,192 Because you've managed to resist Austin Powers' charms. 507 00:36:34,359 --> 00:36:36,778 Ha, ha. God knows he tried, Mummy. 508 00:36:36,945 --> 00:36:39,239 I actually had to end up being rather firm with him. 509 00:36:39,406 --> 00:36:42,200 What about his teeth? It's really bizarre. 510 00:36:42,367 --> 00:36:47,122 Darling, you have to understand, in Britain in the '60s... 511 00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:51,376 ...you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter. 512 00:36:51,543 --> 00:36:52,836 Did you ever...? 513 00:36:53,002 --> 00:36:57,465 Me? No, of course not. I was married to your father. 514 00:36:57,632 --> 00:37:04,431 - Did you ever want to? - Austin is very charming, very debonair. 515 00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:08,893 He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines. 516 00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:12,647 Women want him and men want to be him. 517 00:37:12,814 --> 00:37:16,401 Every bit an international man of mystery. 518 00:37:16,568 --> 00:37:18,820 Yeah, you didn't answer my question, Mummy. 519 00:37:18,987 --> 00:37:20,739 I know. 520 00:37:21,406 --> 00:37:23,491 Let me just say this. 521 00:37:23,658 --> 00:37:29,122 Austin was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had. 522 00:37:29,289 --> 00:37:31,583 I will always love him. 523 00:37:32,709 --> 00:37:34,461 [AUSTIN GRUNTS] 524 00:37:34,627 --> 00:37:37,797 - Do you wanna speak to him? - No, it's been too long. 525 00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:40,842 Okay, well, I'm gonna have to go, Mummy. But I love you. 526 00:37:41,009 --> 00:37:42,051 Ciao, darling. 527 00:37:48,099 --> 00:37:52,812 VANESSA: A limo's just pulled up. - Let me see. 528 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:56,024 That's Dr. Evil's cat. 529 00:37:56,191 --> 00:38:00,612 VANESSA: How can you tell? - I never forget a pussy...cat. 530 00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:05,533 VANESSA: Oh, no. He's gone away. 531 00:38:07,869 --> 00:38:11,831 My God, Vanessa. You are so incredibly beautiful. 532 00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:14,667 - Oh. - That's it. 533 00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:18,046 Yes. Yes. Yes. Come on, darling. 534 00:38:18,213 --> 00:38:21,299 I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town. 535 00:38:21,466 --> 00:38:24,719 [PIANO PLAYING "WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS LOVE"] 536 00:38:32,018 --> 00:38:34,729 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach. 537 00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:38,900 [SINGING "WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS LOVE"] 538 00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:39,836 AUSTIN: Oh, yeah. VANESSA: Get on with it. 539 00:39:40,003 --> 00:39:43,423 AUSTIN: I'm gonna do it. Do you want me? VANESSA: Unh! Oh, go on. 540 00:39:43,590 --> 00:39:46,134 - Do you want me to do it? Okay. - Yes, go on. 541 00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:47,302 [VANESSA GRUNTS] 542 00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:51,431 AUSTIN: Right hand, green. Oh, no! VANESSA: Ow! Aah! 543 00:39:53,099 --> 00:39:55,894 - Ha-ha-ha! - You all right? You all right? 544 00:39:56,060 --> 00:40:00,315 Oh, you know what? Wait a tick, I forgot something in the lobby. 545 00:40:01,149 --> 00:40:04,193 Why don't I take the stairs? 546 00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:07,322 [LAUGHING] 547 00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:11,618 Why take the stairs when I could take the escalator? 548 00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:16,039 [LAUGHING] 549 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:20,501 Why take the escalator when I've got a perfectly good canoe? 550 00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:23,421 [VANESSA LAUGHING] 551 00:40:23,588 --> 00:40:26,925 I know what. I'll take the elevator. 552 00:40:28,009 --> 00:40:30,678 [VANESSA LAUGHING] 553 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:33,473 - Austin. - Yes. 554 00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:37,477 - Come and have some champagne with me. - Okay. 555 00:40:37,852 --> 00:40:39,938 - Oh, I tripped. Unh. - Ha, ha! 556 00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:42,690 You know, I haven't had this much fun since college. 557 00:40:42,857 --> 00:40:44,609 Well, I'm sorry. 558 00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:48,529 - Why? - I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die. 559 00:40:48,696 --> 00:40:51,491 [BOTH LAUGHING] 560 00:40:52,116 --> 00:40:55,328 Always wanting to have fun, Austin. That's you in a nutshell. 561 00:40:55,495 --> 00:40:56,829 No, this is me in a nutshell. 562 00:40:56,996 --> 00:41:00,583 Help. I'm in a nutshell. How did I get into this nutshell? 563 00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:03,044 Look at the size of this bloody, great, big nutshell. 564 00:41:03,211 --> 00:41:07,966 What sort of shell has a nut like this? I mean, this is crazy. 565 00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:11,052 - Yes. Look at you. - Ha! 566 00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:12,720 - You're smashed. - No, I'm not. 567 00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:15,139 - Yes, you are. - No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one. 568 00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:18,059 I'm always the designated driver. 569 00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:22,855 - Kiss me. - I can't, darling. 570 00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:25,233 - Why not? - Because you're drunk. It's not right. 571 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:27,068 No, I'm not drunk. I'm beginning to see... 572 00:41:27,235 --> 00:41:29,862 ...what my mummy was talking about all those years ago. 573 00:41:30,029 --> 00:41:31,072 I can't. 574 00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:33,366 [SIGHS] 575 00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:35,910 All right, well, tell me all about my mummy in the '60s. 576 00:41:36,077 --> 00:41:38,413 I'm dying to know what she was like. 577 00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:42,041 She was very groovy. 578 00:41:44,419 --> 00:41:46,963 Your dad loved her very much. 579 00:41:49,382 --> 00:41:52,260 If there was one other cat in this world that could've loved her... 580 00:41:52,427 --> 00:41:57,015 ...and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me. 581 00:41:58,224 --> 00:42:02,729 But unfortunately for yours truly... 582 00:42:05,398 --> 00:42:07,817 ...that train has sailed. 583 00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:11,404 [VANESSA SNORING] 584 00:42:11,571 --> 00:42:15,783 Vanessa? Vanessa? Hello? 585 00:42:16,492 --> 00:42:20,163 - Come on. Roll over. Sleepy time. - Oh... 586 00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,624 [COMMUNICATOR RINGING] 587 00:42:24,417 --> 00:42:26,586 [WHISPERS] Okay, Austin needs his hand back. 588 00:42:32,383 --> 00:42:34,302 [MODEM DIALING] 589 00:42:34,844 --> 00:42:36,846 COMPUTER: You've got mail. 590 00:42:37,013 --> 00:42:41,309 Hello, Austin, this is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence. 591 00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:44,979 Now, I want you to find out what part Virtucon plays... 592 00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:47,982 ...in something called Project Vulcan. 593 00:42:48,149 --> 00:42:52,153 I'll need you to go to Alotta Fagina's penthouse immediately. 594 00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:08,628 [AUSTIN GRUNTS] 595 00:43:19,555 --> 00:43:21,516 AUSTIN: Hello, hello. 596 00:43:22,183 --> 00:43:23,518 [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] 597 00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:27,647 Smashing. Love it. Okay. Yes, yes. Okay, great. 598 00:43:27,814 --> 00:43:30,149 [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] 599 00:43:31,776 --> 00:43:37,365 Project Vulcan. Yeah, okay. Cheeky, huh? Yeah. 600 00:43:37,532 --> 00:43:40,368 Come on, baby. Give it to me. Yes. Yes. Yes. No! No! 601 00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:41,619 [DOOR OPENS] 602 00:43:41,786 --> 00:43:43,037 [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] 603 00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:52,839 You seem surprised to see me, Miss Fagina. 604 00:43:53,297 --> 00:43:57,552 What do you want, Mr. Cunningham, was it? 605 00:43:57,718 --> 00:44:00,388 Your boss, Number Two. 606 00:44:01,055 --> 00:44:05,685 I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills. 607 00:44:06,102 --> 00:44:07,395 How did you know? 608 00:44:07,979 --> 00:44:11,774 I didn't, baby. You just told me. 609 00:44:11,941 --> 00:44:14,485 We can talk about business later. 610 00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:17,238 Let me slip into something more comfortable. 611 00:44:17,405 --> 00:44:20,241 Oh, behave. 612 00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:26,205 Oh. 613 00:44:30,376 --> 00:44:32,086 Good God. 614 00:44:41,554 --> 00:44:43,764 [PANTING] 615 00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:51,522 [MOUTHS] Me? 616 00:45:09,165 --> 00:45:14,086 Come in and I'll show you everything you need to know. 617 00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:38,945 AUSTIN: Come on. Unh! 618 00:45:42,406 --> 00:45:43,950 [SIGHS] 619 00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:50,831 - May I wash you? - Oh, groovy, baby. Yeah. 620 00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:52,500 [CHUCKLES] 621 00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:04,762 Mm, yes. That feels yummy. 622 00:46:04,929 --> 00:46:07,098 [AUSTIN CHUCKLES] 623 00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,809 AUSTIN: Mm... 624 00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:17,525 In Japan, men come first and women come second. 625 00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:19,360 Or sometimes not at all. 626 00:46:19,527 --> 00:46:21,946 [LAUGHING] 627 00:46:23,322 --> 00:46:27,326 - Care for some sake? - Sake it to me, baby. 628 00:46:27,493 --> 00:46:29,370 RAUGHS] 629 00:46:31,289 --> 00:46:35,835 Yes. Kinky. Clinky. Ha, ha. 630 00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:41,924 [PANTS THEN LAUGHS] 631 00:46:42,091 --> 00:46:44,677 Ooh. Ooh. 632 00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:47,388 How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham? 633 00:46:47,555 --> 00:46:52,893 Mm. I feel extreme relaxation. 634 00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:56,564 Oh. 635 00:46:57,315 --> 00:47:00,109 How dare you break wind before me. 636 00:47:00,276 --> 00:47:02,320 I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know it was your turn. 637 00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:04,488 [LAUGHING] 638 00:47:06,907 --> 00:47:09,410 Pardon me for being rude It was not me, it was my food 639 00:47:09,577 --> 00:47:14,040 It just popped up to say hello And now it's gone back down below 640 00:47:14,206 --> 00:47:16,834 - That's beautiful. Thank you. - Ah. 641 00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:24,550 Let's make love, you silly, hairy little man. 642 00:47:24,717 --> 00:47:26,635 I say. Hello, vicar. 643 00:47:26,802 --> 00:47:28,721 [LAUGHING] 644 00:47:30,348 --> 00:47:33,517 Oh, there. That's the spot, all right. That's the spot right there. 645 00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:35,561 Look at that now. Ha, ha. Good God. 646 00:47:35,728 --> 00:47:38,606 [BAND PLAYING PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC] 647 00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:45,404 Austin Powers is getting too close. Any suggestions? 648 00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:47,323 [SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 649 00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:52,620 I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers. 650 00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:56,248 Bring in the Fembots! 651 00:48:10,930 --> 00:48:13,474 Go, Fembots! 652 00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:19,772 These are the latest word in android-replicant technology. 653 00:48:19,939 --> 00:48:26,654 Lethal, efficient, brutal. No man can resist their charm. 654 00:48:26,821 --> 00:48:29,532 Send in the guards! 655 00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:36,247 Kill these women. 656 00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:44,797 [GUARD MUTTERING] 657 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:48,259 [MR. BIGGLESWORTH YOWLS] 658 00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:51,846 [GUARDS GRUNTING] 659 00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:59,353 [EXHALES] 660 00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:04,358 DR. EVIL: Quite impressive. - Thank you, Herr Doctor. 661 00:49:04,525 --> 00:49:08,821 I like to see girls of that "caliber." 662 00:49:12,908 --> 00:49:16,871 By caliber, of course I mean both the size of their gun barrels... 663 00:49:17,037 --> 00:49:23,461 ...and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings, caliber. It's a homonym. 664 00:49:26,213 --> 00:49:28,090 Forget it. 665 00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:33,387 VANESSA: At ease, boys. 666 00:49:35,473 --> 00:49:40,394 Austin, I want to show you something. We're going to outfit you with this. 667 00:49:40,561 --> 00:49:45,524 It looks like a watch, but in fact it's a geosynchronous positioning device. 668 00:49:45,691 --> 00:49:47,651 Very shagadelic. 669 00:49:47,818 --> 00:49:51,238 - And then there's this. - Okay, let me guess. 670 00:49:51,405 --> 00:49:55,868 The floss is garrote wire, the toothpaste is plastic explosives... 671 00:49:56,035 --> 00:49:59,413 ...and the toothbrush is the detonation device. 672 00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:01,165 VANESSA: No, actually. 673 00:50:01,332 --> 00:50:05,711 Since you've been frozen, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry. 674 00:50:06,629 --> 00:50:08,130 What do you mean? 675 00:50:08,297 --> 00:50:09,715 VANESSA: Nothing. 676 00:50:09,882 --> 00:50:11,592 Oh, look, here's Basil. 677 00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:13,344 - Hello, Exposition. - Austin. 678 00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:15,721 Let me bring you up to speed. 679 00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:19,892 Dr. Evil has hijacked a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan. 680 00:50:20,059 --> 00:50:22,102 Only two things scare me... 681 00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:24,271 ...and one is nuclear war. 682 00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:26,524 - What's the other? - Excuse me? 683 00:50:26,732 --> 00:50:28,984 What's the other thing that scares you? 684 00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:31,612 - Carnies. - What? 685 00:50:31,779 --> 00:50:34,573 Circus folk. Nomads, you know. 686 00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:36,492 They smell like cabbage. 687 00:50:36,659 --> 00:50:38,035 Small hands. 688 00:50:38,202 --> 00:50:41,705 - Oh. Indeed. - Perhaps these photographs... 689 00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:44,208 -...are the last piece of the puzzle. - Aha. 690 00:50:44,375 --> 00:50:46,794 I've uncovered the details of Project Vulcan. 691 00:50:46,961 --> 00:50:49,505 BASIL: Oh, good God, an underground missile? 692 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:51,632 Austin, where did you find these? 693 00:50:51,799 --> 00:50:55,636 Austin did some reconnaissance work last night at Alotta Fagina's penthouse. 694 00:50:55,803 --> 00:50:57,054 Oh. 695 00:50:57,221 --> 00:51:00,766 - Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. -[MOUTHS] What? 696 00:51:00,933 --> 00:51:02,560 Any ideas? 697 00:51:03,310 --> 00:51:04,478 Oh, yes. 698 00:51:04,645 --> 00:51:07,565 Virtucon runs a tour of its facility every hour. 699 00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:10,192 I thought perhaps we could disguise ourselves as tourists... 700 00:51:10,359 --> 00:51:13,070 ...and do some on-site reconnaissance. 701 00:51:13,237 --> 00:51:14,947 BASIL: Top-drawer, Kensington. 702 00:51:15,114 --> 00:51:18,659 Oh, uh, Austin, I'd like you to meet somebody. 703 00:51:18,826 --> 00:51:21,620 This is my mother, Mrs. Exposition. 704 00:51:21,787 --> 00:51:23,289 MRS. EXPOSITION: How do you do? 705 00:51:23,747 --> 00:51:26,166 - Aah! Oh! VANESSA: Austin! 706 00:51:27,001 --> 00:51:28,586 BASIL: My God, man, what have you done? 707 00:51:28,752 --> 00:51:31,505 That's not your mother, it's a man, baby! 708 00:51:31,672 --> 00:51:33,757 - Yeah, yeah, come off. - No! 709 00:51:33,924 --> 00:51:36,343 - Why won't this wig come off? - My head! 710 00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:38,596 MRS. EXPOSITION: Help! BASIL: Austin! 711 00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:42,850 - Yeah, hold on, hold on, one second. - No, no, let go of my mother! 712 00:51:43,017 --> 00:51:45,352 Oh, mother. Mother, are you all right? 713 00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,521 - What? - Austin, have you gone mad? 714 00:51:47,688 --> 00:51:49,064 No. 715 00:51:49,231 --> 00:51:51,317 You have a lot of explaining to do. 716 00:51:51,483 --> 00:51:54,111 I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was a man. 717 00:51:54,278 --> 00:51:56,864 Damn it, man! You're talking about my mother! 718 00:51:57,031 --> 00:51:59,491 - You have to admit, she is rather mannish. - Austin. 719 00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:02,036 Well, no offense, but if that is a woman... 720 00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:04,955 ...it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick. 721 00:52:05,122 --> 00:52:07,124 BASIL: What? - Really, Austin. 722 00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:09,752 [BAND PLAYING PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC] 723 00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:18,969 Okay, give in to the beauty of your feelings and say the words. Come on. 724 00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:22,556 I love you, Dad. 725 00:52:22,723 --> 00:52:25,893 I love you too son. 726 00:52:26,060 --> 00:52:28,520 That's a breakthrough. Breakthrough. 727 00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:30,189 [MEN CHATTERING] 728 00:52:30,356 --> 00:52:33,942 Okay, group, we have some newcomers here today with us. 729 00:52:34,109 --> 00:52:38,072 Say hello to Scott and his father, Mr... 730 00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:42,201 -"Avil"? - Evil, actually. 731 00:52:43,952 --> 00:52:46,872 Dr. Evil. 732 00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:50,084 ALL: Hello, Dr. Evil. Hello, Scott. 733 00:52:50,376 --> 00:52:52,002 Hello, everybody. 734 00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:54,171 So, Scott, why don't we start with you. 735 00:52:54,338 --> 00:52:56,715 What brings you here with us today? 736 00:52:57,758 --> 00:53:00,427 Well, I just really met my Dad for the first time five days ago. 737 00:53:00,594 --> 00:53:03,180 I was partially frozen his whole life. 738 00:53:03,722 --> 00:53:07,267 That is beautiful that you can admit to that. 739 00:53:07,518 --> 00:53:10,854 He comes back and now he wants me to take over the family business. 740 00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:14,358 But Scott, who's gonna take over the world when I die? 741 00:53:14,525 --> 00:53:18,737 Listen to the words he used: "Who's going to take over the world when I die?" 742 00:53:19,446 --> 00:53:22,700 It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it? 743 00:53:22,866 --> 00:53:26,245 So, what do you want to do, Scott? 744 00:53:26,662 --> 00:53:29,748 I don't know. I was thinking I like animals... 745 00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:32,459 -...maybe I'd be a vet. - An evil vet? 746 00:53:32,626 --> 00:53:35,254 No. Maybe, like, work in a petting zoo. 747 00:53:35,421 --> 00:53:37,214 An evil petting zoo? 748 00:53:37,381 --> 00:53:40,342 - You always do that! - Wha--? I-- 749 00:53:41,969 --> 00:53:45,889 I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me. 750 00:53:46,056 --> 00:53:49,143 Now, Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here... 751 00:53:49,309 --> 00:53:52,938 ...we might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't. 752 00:53:53,105 --> 00:53:54,440 [ALL CHUCKLE] 753 00:53:54,606 --> 00:53:57,401 Actually, the boy's quite astute. I really am trying to kill him. 754 00:53:57,568 --> 00:53:59,653 But so far unsuccessfully. 755 00:53:59,820 --> 00:54:02,823 He's quite wily, like his old man. 756 00:54:04,908 --> 00:54:06,910 This is what I'm talking about. 757 00:54:07,077 --> 00:54:08,662 Okay, well... 758 00:54:08,829 --> 00:54:10,456 ...we've heard from you, Scott... 759 00:54:10,622 --> 00:54:13,625 ...now, uh, you tell us a little about yourself. 760 00:54:13,792 --> 00:54:17,296 The details of my life are quite inconsequential. 761 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:20,507 Oh, no, please, please. Let's hear about your childhood. 762 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:22,092 MAN 1: Yeah. MAN 2: Come on. Come on. 763 00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:24,553 - Come on. Come on. MAN 3: Please. 764 00:54:25,471 --> 00:54:28,640 Very well, where do I begin? 765 00:54:29,099 --> 00:54:32,519 My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner... 766 00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:36,940 ...from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. 767 00:54:37,441 --> 00:54:39,860 My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute... 768 00:54:40,027 --> 00:54:42,654 ...named Chloe with webbed feet. 769 00:54:42,821 --> 00:54:45,866 My father would womanize, he would drink... 770 00:54:46,033 --> 00:54:50,204 ...he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. 771 00:54:50,370 --> 00:54:53,874 Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. 772 00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:58,295 The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess... 773 00:54:58,462 --> 00:55:01,048 ...and the insane lament. 774 00:55:01,215 --> 00:55:03,467 My childhood was typical. 775 00:55:03,634 --> 00:55:07,054 Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. 776 00:55:07,221 --> 00:55:09,973 In the spring we'd make meat helmets. 777 00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:14,353 When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. 778 00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:17,022 Pretty standard, really. 779 00:55:17,189 --> 00:55:20,025 At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. 780 00:55:20,192 --> 00:55:22,861 At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma... 781 00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:26,281 ...ritualistically shaved my testicles. MEN: Ugh. 782 00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:29,409 There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. 783 00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:32,412 It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it. 784 00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:35,082 You know, we have to stop. 785 00:55:36,583 --> 00:55:39,253 VANESSA: Can I have a word with you? AUSTIN: Of course you may, love. 786 00:55:42,047 --> 00:55:44,258 Look, I know I'm being neurotic... 787 00:55:44,424 --> 00:55:48,095 ...but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary... 788 00:55:48,262 --> 00:55:49,847 ...you know, Ms. Fagina. 789 00:55:50,013 --> 00:55:52,391 I don't want to sound paranoid... 790 00:55:52,558 --> 00:55:55,227 ...but I've had some bad relationships in the past... 791 00:55:55,394 --> 00:55:58,355 ...and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry. 792 00:55:58,522 --> 00:56:00,566 No, don't be sorry, baby. 793 00:56:00,983 --> 00:56:02,985 You're right to be suspicious. 794 00:56:03,151 --> 00:56:05,445 - I shagged her. - What? 795 00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,031 I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah. 796 00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:11,743 I don't believe you, Austin. I mean, she was repellent. 797 00:56:12,119 --> 00:56:14,746 Saucer of milk, table two. Rwar. 798 00:56:14,913 --> 00:56:17,040 - Well, did you use protection? - Of course. 799 00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:19,126 I had my 9 mm automatic. 800 00:56:19,877 --> 00:56:22,379 You know I meant did you use a condom? 801 00:56:22,546 --> 00:56:23,630 Ha-ha-ha! No. 802 00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:26,133 Only sailors use condoms, baby. 803 00:56:26,300 --> 00:56:27,759 Not in the '90s, Austin. 804 00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:31,513 Well, they should, those filthy beggars, they go from port to port. 805 00:56:31,680 --> 00:56:33,974 Well, Vanessa, don't have a thrombo. 806 00:56:34,141 --> 00:56:38,270 - Alotta meant nothing to me. - Well, it means something to me. 807 00:56:38,437 --> 00:56:40,314 If you want us to have a relationship... 808 00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,317 ...you have to get it into your head that times have changed. 809 00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:45,903 You can't just go off shagging anybody anymore. 810 00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:49,615 And if you could, I wouldn't because I'm not like that. 811 00:56:49,781 --> 00:56:51,491 Vanessa. 812 00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:54,953 You're everything to me. 813 00:56:55,329 --> 00:56:57,247 You just don't get it, do you? 814 00:56:59,499 --> 00:57:01,126 Good night, Austin. 815 00:57:01,293 --> 00:57:03,337 Welcome to the '90s... 816 00:57:03,503 --> 00:57:05,631 ...you're gonna be very lonely. 817 00:57:27,361 --> 00:57:29,196 Hey. Hey, check this guy out. 818 00:57:30,322 --> 00:57:32,866 -[MOUTHS] Peace. - Peace.Peace. 819 00:57:33,033 --> 00:57:34,284 [ALL LAUGHING] 820 00:57:39,206 --> 00:57:42,167 AUSTIN: Jimi Hendrix, deceased. 821 00:57:42,334 --> 00:57:44,169 Drugs. 822 00:57:44,336 --> 00:57:46,546 Janis Joplin... 823 00:57:46,713 --> 00:57:48,382 ...deceased, alcohol. 824 00:57:48,674 --> 00:57:51,385 Mama Cass, deceased... 825 00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:54,429 ...ham sandwich. 826 00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:05,899 [LOUD SCRATCHING] 827 00:58:11,655 --> 00:58:13,907 [SQUEAKING] 828 00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:22,958 MAN 1 [ON TV]: Oh, jeez, that's great. ls the lighting halfway decent? 829 00:58:23,125 --> 00:58:26,878 MAN 2: Yes, indeed. They've got the flag up now. You can see the stars and stripes. 830 00:58:27,045 --> 00:58:28,797 MAN 1 : Beautiful, just beautiful. 831 00:58:28,964 --> 00:58:31,508 [CROWD SHOUTING ON TV] 832 00:58:31,675 --> 00:58:32,968 [DOOR CLOSES] 833 00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:35,429 VANESSA: Good morning, Austin. 834 00:58:37,097 --> 00:58:40,809 You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 3O years. 835 00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:43,228 The fall of the Berlin Wall... 836 00:58:43,395 --> 00:58:45,772 ...the first female British prime minister... 837 00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:47,357 ...end of apartheid. 838 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:50,736 Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. 839 00:58:50,902 --> 00:58:55,073 I mean, women loved him. I didn't see that one coming, no. 840 00:58:55,866 --> 00:58:58,910 GUIDE: The tour is about to begin. So if you please take your seats. 841 00:58:59,661 --> 00:59:02,456 Welcome to Virtucon, the company of the future. 842 00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:05,292 Virtucon is a leading manufacturer of many items... 843 00:59:05,459 --> 00:59:07,294 ...you can find right in your very own home. 844 00:59:07,461 --> 00:59:09,421 Do you think she's prettier than me? 845 00:59:09,588 --> 00:59:11,840 - Who? - You know who. 846 00:59:12,007 --> 00:59:13,675 Oh, the Italian bird. 847 00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:16,303 No, baby, she's rancid. 848 00:59:16,470 --> 00:59:20,807 I think you're shagadelic, baby. You're switched-on. You're smashing. 849 00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:25,145 We make steel, petroleum products and volatile chemicals. 850 00:59:25,312 --> 00:59:28,482 But don't worry about the Italian bird, okay? 851 00:59:28,648 --> 00:59:31,985 She's the village bicycle, everyone's had a ride. 852 00:59:32,152 --> 00:59:33,653 GUIDE: You're using a Virtucon product. 853 00:59:33,820 --> 00:59:38,241 On your right, you'll notice a door leading to a restricted area. 854 00:59:38,408 --> 00:59:41,745 - Only authorized personnel are allowed. AUSTIN: I'll take him. 855 00:59:42,245 --> 00:59:44,164 You take her. 856 00:59:58,845 --> 01:00:00,347 AUSTIN: Let's go. 857 01:00:00,514 --> 01:00:03,016 It's Bolton. We've got a problem. 858 01:00:03,183 --> 01:00:04,768 [ALARM RINGING] 859 01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:06,561 MAN [ON PA]: Intruders in the compound. 860 01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,438 AUSTIN: Aah! Watch out! 861 01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:09,689 [GUARDS SHOUTING] 862 01:00:09,856 --> 01:00:11,566 GUARD: Security, this way. Where did he go? 863 01:00:11,733 --> 01:00:13,443 AUSTIN: Judo chop. - Ooh! 864 01:00:13,610 --> 01:00:14,986 [GUNSHOT] 865 01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:17,531 VANESSA: They're coming. 866 01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:19,574 AUSTIN: Hang on, I'm gonna floor it. GUARD: Hey! 867 01:00:19,741 --> 01:00:22,661 Watch out. Move! Move! Move! 868 01:00:24,996 --> 01:00:26,206 Careful, Austin. 869 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,458 No! 870 01:00:31,128 --> 01:00:33,713 - Watch out. GUARD: No! 871 01:00:35,382 --> 01:00:38,426 - Watch out. - No! 872 01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:40,512 [SQUISHING] 873 01:00:40,679 --> 01:00:42,556 - Oh. - Ew. Oh. 874 01:00:42,722 --> 01:00:44,474 Let's go. Come on, let's go. 875 01:00:44,641 --> 01:00:47,018 [BOTH PANTING] 876 01:00:47,811 --> 01:00:49,604 Oh, thank goodness we made it, Austin. 877 01:00:49,771 --> 01:00:53,150 - All right, stay very cool, baby. - Okay. 878 01:00:53,316 --> 01:00:54,818 [BOTH GRUNT] 879 01:01:03,994 --> 01:01:07,080 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA] 880 01:01:16,882 --> 01:01:18,675 DR. EVIL: Mr. Powers. 881 01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:21,678 Welcome to my underground lair. 882 01:01:22,262 --> 01:01:23,847 You're just in time. 883 01:01:24,014 --> 01:01:25,849 Enjoy the show. 884 01:01:32,147 --> 01:01:36,026 Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan. 885 01:01:36,193 --> 01:01:39,779 The world's most powerful subterranean drill. 886 01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:43,283 - Does that make you horny? - Not now, Austin. 887 01:01:43,533 --> 01:01:46,286 So powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust... 888 01:01:46,453 --> 01:01:48,788 ...delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead... 889 01:01:48,955 --> 01:01:51,416 ...deep into the liquid hot core of the planet. 890 01:01:51,583 --> 01:01:55,212 Upon detonation, every volcano on Earth... 891 01:01:55,378 --> 01:01:57,130 ...will erupt. 892 01:01:57,297 --> 01:01:59,633 [WORLD LEADERS GASP, THEN CHATTER] 893 01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:03,511 It seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom. 894 01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:05,513 You have my instructions. Bye-bye. 895 01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:08,558 [REMOTE CONTROL BEEPING] 896 01:02:08,892 --> 01:02:11,394 Check it out, Butt-Head, this chick has three boobs. 897 01:02:11,561 --> 01:02:13,313 [BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD LAUGHING] 898 01:02:13,480 --> 01:02:14,898 How many butts does she have? 899 01:02:15,065 --> 01:02:16,149 [WORLD LEADERS CHATTERING] 900 01:02:16,316 --> 01:02:17,442 [REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS] 901 01:02:18,276 --> 01:02:20,570 [LAUGHING] 902 01:02:22,489 --> 01:02:26,243 DR. EVIL: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers? 903 01:02:26,409 --> 01:02:28,745 I designed them myself. 904 01:02:39,714 --> 01:02:41,007 [DOOR OPENS] 905 01:02:41,174 --> 01:02:42,259 Ow. 906 01:02:42,425 --> 01:02:43,510 [DOOR CLOSES] 907 01:02:43,843 --> 01:02:47,097 Scott. Scott, my boy, how are you? 908 01:02:47,264 --> 01:02:48,348 How was your day? 909 01:02:48,515 --> 01:02:50,934 Well, my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade... 910 01:02:51,101 --> 01:02:53,895 ...and they don't speak English, so Jay got into a fight... 911 01:02:54,062 --> 01:02:57,190 ...and he's all, "Quit hassling me because I don't speak French." 912 01:02:57,357 --> 01:03:00,777 And the guy says something in Paris talk and I'm like, "Just back off." 913 01:03:00,944 --> 01:03:03,822 And they're all, "Get out." And we're like, "Make me." 914 01:03:03,989 --> 01:03:06,116 It was cool. 915 01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:07,534 Fascinating. 916 01:03:07,701 --> 01:03:09,703 What are your plans for this evening? 917 01:03:09,869 --> 01:03:12,872 I thought I'd stay in. There's a good titty movie on Skinemax. 918 01:03:13,039 --> 01:03:16,209 And that's how you'd like to live your life, is it? 919 01:03:16,376 --> 01:03:17,544 Yeah. 920 01:03:18,837 --> 01:03:21,464 - Pretty much. Yeah, okay. SCOTT: What? 921 01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:25,051 Ow. 922 01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:28,888 Scott... 923 01:03:29,055 --> 01:03:34,185 ...I want you to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers. 924 01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:37,856 What are you, feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? 925 01:03:38,023 --> 01:03:40,859 No, Scott. I have an even better idea. 926 01:03:41,026 --> 01:03:43,737 I'm going to place him in an easily-escapable situation... 927 01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:47,407 ...involving an overly-elaborate and exotic death. 928 01:03:48,366 --> 01:03:50,076 SCOTT: Why don't you just shoot him now? 929 01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,829 I mean, I'll go get a gun. We'll shoot him together. It'll be fun: 930 01:03:52,996 --> 01:03:54,748 Bang! Dead. Done. 931 01:03:54,914 --> 01:03:59,711 One more peep out of you and you are grounded, mister, and I am not joking. 932 01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:03,423 All right, let's begin. 933 01:04:04,090 --> 01:04:07,844 Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay? 934 01:04:08,053 --> 01:04:10,680 No, Mr. Powers... 935 01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:14,225 ...I expect them to die. 936 01:04:14,934 --> 01:04:16,603 Even after they pay me the money... 937 01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:21,608 ...I'm still gonna melt every city on the planet with liquid-hot magma. 938 01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:25,236 Release the sharks. 939 01:04:25,403 --> 01:04:27,697 Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks... 940 01:04:27,864 --> 01:04:29,949 ...have laser beams attached to their heads. 941 01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:34,079 I figure every creature deserves a warm meal. 942 01:04:34,245 --> 01:04:35,789 [CLEARS THROAT] 943 01:04:35,955 --> 01:04:37,123 NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil... 944 01:04:37,290 --> 01:04:39,292 ...it's about the sharks. 945 01:04:39,459 --> 01:04:43,463 When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. 946 01:04:43,630 --> 01:04:47,967 We tried to get some, but it would have taken months to clear up the red tape. 947 01:04:48,802 --> 01:04:52,097 You know, I have one simple request. 948 01:04:52,263 --> 01:04:57,227 And that is to have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads. 949 01:04:57,394 --> 01:05:02,774 Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. 950 01:05:02,982 --> 01:05:05,652 Uh, can you remind me what I pay you people for? 951 01:05:05,819 --> 01:05:08,071 Honestly, throw me a bone here. 952 01:05:08,571 --> 01:05:09,948 What do we have? 953 01:05:10,532 --> 01:05:11,908 Sea bass. 954 01:05:15,495 --> 01:05:17,497 Right. 955 01:05:17,664 --> 01:05:20,750 They are mutated sea bass. 956 01:05:20,917 --> 01:05:22,085 Really? 957 01:05:22,252 --> 01:05:23,837 Are they ill-tempered? 958 01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:26,965 - Absolutely. - Well, that's a start. That's something. 959 01:05:27,132 --> 01:05:31,678 All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. 960 01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:36,015 Close the tank! 961 01:05:37,016 --> 01:05:40,353 Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away. 962 01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:42,522 No,no,no, I'm going to leave them alone... 963 01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:44,524 ...and not actually witness them dying. 964 01:05:44,691 --> 01:05:47,360 I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What? 965 01:05:48,403 --> 01:05:51,865 I have a gun in my room. You give me five seconds, I'll get it... 966 01:05:52,031 --> 01:05:55,118 ...I'll come back down here, boom, I'll blow their brains out. 967 01:05:55,702 --> 01:05:57,078 Scott... 968 01:05:57,662 --> 01:06:00,331 ...you just don't get it, do you? 969 01:06:00,498 --> 01:06:02,000 You don't. 970 01:06:03,209 --> 01:06:04,919 -It's no hassle. - Shh. 971 01:06:05,086 --> 01:06:07,297 - But-- I'm-- - Shh. Shh. 972 01:06:07,464 --> 01:06:08,798 - All I'm saying-- - Shh. 973 01:06:08,965 --> 01:06:11,009 - They're gonna get aw-- I-- - Shh. Shh. 974 01:06:11,176 --> 01:06:12,552 SCOTT: I'm-- We-- DR. EVIL: Shh. 975 01:06:12,719 --> 01:06:14,345 - We-- - Shh. Knock, knock? 976 01:06:14,512 --> 01:06:16,181 - Who's there? - Shh! 977 01:06:17,015 --> 01:06:18,641 - Look-- - Shh! Let me tell you a story... 978 01:06:18,808 --> 01:06:20,143 ...about a man named Shh. 979 01:06:20,310 --> 01:06:22,896 Shh! Even before you start. 980 01:06:23,062 --> 01:06:24,898 That was a preemptive "shh." 981 01:06:25,064 --> 01:06:29,235 Just know I have a whole bag of "shh" with your name on it. 982 01:06:29,402 --> 01:06:31,738 [SEA BASS SQUEAKING] 983 01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:33,907 - Aah! 984 01:06:34,407 --> 01:06:35,658 What's your plan? 985 01:06:35,825 --> 01:06:38,578 First, I plan to soil myself. 986 01:06:38,745 --> 01:06:41,372 Then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan. 987 01:06:41,539 --> 01:06:43,416 Any thoughts? 988 01:06:43,583 --> 01:06:45,251 Wait a minute. 989 01:06:46,294 --> 01:06:48,213 I always have this with me just in case. 990 01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:51,883 Okay, I get it. I have bad teeth. 991 01:06:52,467 --> 01:06:56,262 No, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge. 992 01:06:56,429 --> 01:06:57,597 AUSTIN: Oh. 993 01:06:57,764 --> 01:06:59,224 All right, hold on. 994 01:07:01,809 --> 01:07:04,270 Got it. Okay. Toothpaste. 995 01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:06,064 Hello. 996 01:07:09,234 --> 01:07:10,443 Judo chop! 997 01:07:10,944 --> 01:07:12,570 [SCREAMING] 998 01:07:12,737 --> 01:07:14,697 Hang on. 999 01:07:17,534 --> 01:07:18,618 [SCREAMING] 1000 01:07:18,785 --> 01:07:19,827 [YELLING] 1001 01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:23,456 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1002 01:07:23,623 --> 01:07:25,041 Judo trip. Hah! 1003 01:07:27,752 --> 01:07:29,796 No! 1004 01:07:29,963 --> 01:07:31,756 [SEA BASS CHOMPING] 1005 01:07:33,424 --> 01:07:34,968 Ooh! Ah! 1006 01:07:35,134 --> 01:07:37,303 [AUSTIN PANTING] 1007 01:07:38,179 --> 01:07:39,472 [SEA BASS BURPS] 1008 01:07:40,807 --> 01:07:43,393 Not a good time to lose one's head. 1009 01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:45,186 Indeed. 1010 01:07:45,853 --> 01:07:47,772 That's not the way to get ahead in life. 1011 01:07:47,939 --> 01:07:49,315 No. 1012 01:07:50,400 --> 01:07:53,152 It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. 1013 01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:54,696 Hmm. 1014 01:07:54,862 --> 01:07:57,198 He'll never be the head of a major corporation. 1015 01:07:57,365 --> 01:07:59,701 - Okay, that'll do. - Okay. 1016 01:08:05,665 --> 01:08:07,417 No. What are we gonna do? 1017 01:08:07,584 --> 01:08:10,962 Oh, look, there's an emergency exit. Go get help, I'm gonna stay here... 1018 01:08:11,129 --> 01:08:12,839 ...and keep an eye on Dr. Evil. 1019 01:08:13,006 --> 01:08:15,133 Okay, I'll hurry back. 1020 01:08:16,801 --> 01:08:18,803 Listen, Vanessa. 1021 01:08:20,680 --> 01:08:22,557 Whatever happens... 1022 01:08:22,724 --> 01:08:25,602 ...I want you to know that I feel really bad... 1023 01:08:25,768 --> 01:08:27,854 ...about that Italian bird. 1024 01:08:29,188 --> 01:08:31,232 What I'm trying to say is... 1025 01:08:31,858 --> 01:08:34,902 ...that if you want me to be a one-woman man... 1026 01:08:35,069 --> 01:08:37,113 ...well, that's just groovy, baby. 1027 01:08:38,489 --> 01:08:40,158 Behave. 1028 01:09:16,653 --> 01:09:18,404 Come, everyone... 1029 01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:21,491 ...let us repair to the main chamber. 1030 01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:25,286 Project Vulcan is about to begin. 1031 01:09:28,122 --> 01:09:31,376 Scott, don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living? 1032 01:09:31,668 --> 01:09:33,252 - Blow me. - Excuse me? 1033 01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:36,089 Show me. 1034 01:09:37,173 --> 01:09:38,591 0K8)'- 1035 01:09:49,435 --> 01:09:51,938 DR. EVIL [ON PA]: Position the Vulcan. 1036 01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:08,579 Bring in the warhead. 1037 01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:20,967 [GRUNTS] 1038 01:10:21,509 --> 01:10:23,010 Ooh. 1039 01:10:37,024 --> 01:10:38,317 Hello, hello. 1040 01:10:38,693 --> 01:10:41,154 - Hello, Mr. Powers. - Hello, Mr. Powers. 1041 01:10:42,530 --> 01:10:45,074 - Care to have a little fun? - Care to have a little fun? 1042 01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:46,993 No, actually, I, uh-- 1043 01:10:47,160 --> 01:10:48,745 I have to save the world. 1044 01:10:59,589 --> 01:11:01,674 Is it cold in here? Heh. 1045 01:11:18,024 --> 01:11:20,359 Arm the probe. 1046 01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:26,699 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA] 1047 01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:35,208 Yes. 1048 01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:36,375 Yes. 1049 01:11:36,542 --> 01:11:39,796 No! No. No. I've got to get Dr. Evil. 1050 01:11:39,962 --> 01:11:41,714 I've got to get Dr. Evil. 1051 01:11:41,881 --> 01:11:44,217 No. No. No. Uh, baseball. 1052 01:11:44,383 --> 01:11:45,718 Uh, cold showers. 1053 01:11:45,885 --> 01:11:47,178 Baseball. Cold showers-- 1054 01:11:47,345 --> 01:11:48,679 FEMBOT: Give it up, Mr. Powers. 1055 01:11:48,846 --> 01:11:51,265 Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! 1056 01:11:51,432 --> 01:11:53,851 Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! 1057 01:11:54,811 --> 01:11:56,562 VANESSA: Gentlemen. 1058 01:12:00,483 --> 01:12:01,984 Let's lock and load. 1059 01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:04,111 MAN1: Right, lads. MAN 2: All right, hup, hup. 1060 01:12:05,196 --> 01:12:06,322 [FEMBOTS CHATTERING] 1061 01:12:06,489 --> 01:12:07,990 - Don't go. - Please don't go. 1062 01:12:08,157 --> 01:12:09,617 FEMBOT 1: Stay. FEMBOT 2: Don't go. 1063 01:12:09,784 --> 01:12:11,327 BOTH: You can't resist us, Mr. Powers. 1064 01:12:11,494 --> 01:12:14,080 ALL: You can't resist us, Mr. Powers. 1065 01:12:14,497 --> 01:12:16,123 Au contraire, baby. 1066 01:12:16,290 --> 01:12:18,918 I think you can't resist me. 1067 01:12:24,340 --> 01:12:26,259 - Ooh! - Aah! 1068 01:12:33,391 --> 01:12:37,270 [MOUTHS] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. 1069 01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:39,021 [ALL GASP] 1070 01:12:50,074 --> 01:12:51,617 [CIRCUITS CRACKLE] 1071 01:12:56,122 --> 01:12:57,582 [CIRCUITS CRACKLE] 1072 01:12:59,292 --> 01:13:00,376 [CIRCUITS BUZZING] 1073 01:13:03,296 --> 01:13:06,465 [CIRCUITS BUZZING] 1074 01:13:12,138 --> 01:13:13,639 [GROANING] 1075 01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:23,399 [FEMBOTS GROANING] 1076 01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,588 Austin? 1077 01:13:45,755 --> 01:13:47,465 Vanessa. Uh... 1078 01:13:47,632 --> 01:13:49,759 it-- It's not what it seems. 1079 01:13:51,636 --> 01:13:53,804 - At ease, boys. - Likewise. 1080 01:13:55,514 --> 01:14:00,186 Vanessa, I can explain. See, what happened was, uh, I broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil. 1081 01:14:00,353 --> 01:14:04,106 Then the Fembots came by and smoke started to come out of theirjubblies. 1082 01:14:04,273 --> 01:14:07,526 So I thought I'd work my mojo, right, to counter their mojo. 1083 01:14:07,693 --> 01:14:11,530 We got "cross-mojonations" and their heads started to explode. You know... 1084 01:14:11,697 --> 01:14:14,575 ...that thing and I ended up in my knickers here and then... 1085 01:14:14,742 --> 01:14:16,160 [PANTS] 1086 01:14:16,744 --> 01:14:18,329 Okay, Austin, I believe you. 1087 01:14:18,496 --> 01:14:21,374 - Now, get dressed. - Smashing, baby. 1088 01:14:22,375 --> 01:14:24,502 VANESSA: Onward, boys. 1089 01:14:28,297 --> 01:14:31,384 Launching the subterranean probe. 1090 01:14:35,137 --> 01:14:39,016 MAN [ON PA]: Begin initial surface penetration. 1091 01:14:42,478 --> 01:14:46,691 Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting. 1092 01:14:46,857 --> 01:14:49,235 [MAN YELLING] 1093 01:14:56,283 --> 01:14:57,576 MAN: Watch out! 1094 01:15:00,746 --> 01:15:02,373 [GRUNTS] 1095 01:15:03,290 --> 01:15:04,417 VANESSA: Fight back! 1096 01:15:05,084 --> 01:15:06,919 MAN [ON PA]: Subterranean nuclear detonation... 1097 01:15:07,086 --> 01:15:09,422 -...in three minutes and counting. - Aargh! 1098 01:15:11,382 --> 01:15:12,758 [SCREAMS] 1099 01:15:19,849 --> 01:15:21,767 DR. EVIL: I tripped. Unh! Ow, ow, ow! 1100 01:15:22,935 --> 01:15:25,688 Open the fricking door. 1101 01:15:28,816 --> 01:15:31,152 MAN [ON PA]: World destruction, beginning in-- 1102 01:15:31,318 --> 01:15:35,448 AUSTIN: Judo. Judo. MAN [ON PA]: --10, nine... 1103 01:15:35,614 --> 01:15:38,576 ...eight, seven, six... 1104 01:15:38,743 --> 01:15:39,952 [ALARM BUZZING] 1105 01:15:40,119 --> 01:15:43,789 ...five, four, three... 1106 01:15:44,248 --> 01:15:46,459 ...two, one... 1107 01:15:47,293 --> 01:15:49,795 [IN DEEP VOICE] No! 1108 01:15:54,133 --> 01:15:56,635 MAN [ON PA]: Abort. Abort. 1109 01:15:56,802 --> 01:15:58,721 - Abort. Abon'. ALL: Hurray! 1110 01:15:59,764 --> 01:16:02,224 MAN [ON PA]: Abort. Abort. 1111 01:16:02,391 --> 01:16:04,894 AUSTIN: Now to Dr. Evil. 1112 01:16:05,227 --> 01:16:07,563 Din-din. 1113 01:16:07,730 --> 01:16:10,274 [SINGING] I want chicken I want liver 1114 01:16:10,441 --> 01:16:13,986 Meow Mix, Meow Mix Please deliver 1115 01:16:14,153 --> 01:16:16,989 I've got you now, Dr. Evil. 1116 01:16:17,615 --> 01:16:20,326 Well done, Mr. Powers. 1117 01:16:20,701 --> 01:16:23,913 We're not so different, you and I. 1118 01:16:24,663 --> 01:16:30,419 However, isn't it ironic that the very things that you stand for... 1119 01:16:30,586 --> 01:16:36,509 ...free love, swinging, parties, are all now in the '90s... 1120 01:16:36,675 --> 01:16:39,136 ...considered to be... 1121 01:16:40,346 --> 01:16:41,889 ...evil? 1122 01:16:42,056 --> 01:16:44,725 No, man, what we swingers were rebelling against... 1123 01:16:44,892 --> 01:16:47,019 ...is uptight squares like you... 1124 01:16:47,186 --> 01:16:49,980 ...whose bag was money and world domination. 1125 01:16:50,147 --> 01:16:51,857 We were innocent, man. 1126 01:16:52,024 --> 01:16:55,486 If we had known the consequences of our sexual liberation... 1127 01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:59,532 ...we would have done things differently, but the spirit would've remained the same. 1128 01:16:59,698 --> 01:17:02,618 It's freedom, baby, yeah. 1129 01:17:02,785 --> 01:17:06,038 Face it. Freedom failed. 1130 01:17:06,205 --> 01:17:08,499 No, man, freedom didn't fail. 1131 01:17:08,666 --> 01:17:11,961 Right now, we've got freedom and responsibility. 1132 01:17:12,128 --> 01:17:14,547 It's a very groovy time. Heh. 1133 01:17:14,713 --> 01:17:18,259 There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster. 1134 01:17:18,425 --> 01:17:22,555 All right, baldy, shut your cakehole. Come on, let's go, on your bike. 1135 01:17:22,721 --> 01:17:23,764 Oh. 1136 01:17:23,931 --> 01:17:25,683 Not so fast. 1137 01:17:25,850 --> 01:17:29,061 It seems the tables have turned, Mr. Powers. 1138 01:17:29,228 --> 01:17:35,067 - Go ahead, Austin. Don't worry about me. - Hey, I can take my Sega, right, Dad? 1139 01:17:35,234 --> 01:17:38,571 It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil. 1140 01:17:38,737 --> 01:17:41,574 Not really. Kill the little bastard, see what I care. 1141 01:17:41,740 --> 01:17:44,076 But Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group. 1142 01:17:44,243 --> 01:17:48,164 I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent. 1143 01:17:48,664 --> 01:17:50,124 I hate you. I hate you. 1144 01:17:50,291 --> 01:17:52,585 I wish I was never artificially created in a lab. 1145 01:17:52,751 --> 01:17:55,880 Oh, Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly. 1146 01:17:56,755 --> 01:17:58,132 Ahh. 1147 01:17:58,299 --> 01:18:00,926 Number Two, your timing is impeccable. 1148 01:18:01,093 --> 01:18:03,053 Go ahead, take Mr. Powers away. 1149 01:18:04,054 --> 01:18:05,723 No. 1150 01:18:06,140 --> 01:18:07,850 - What? NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil... 1151 01:18:08,767 --> 01:18:12,730 ...I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire... 1152 01:18:12,897 --> 01:18:15,733 ...into a world-class multinational. 1153 01:18:15,900 --> 01:18:18,861 I was going to have a cover story in Forbes. 1154 01:18:19,028 --> 01:18:22,364 But you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world. 1155 01:18:22,531 --> 01:18:25,117 And you don't realize there is no world anymore. 1156 01:18:25,284 --> 01:18:26,911 It's only corporations. 1157 01:18:27,077 --> 01:18:29,496 - Silence, Number Two. - No. 1158 01:18:29,663 --> 01:18:32,458 I've had enough of you pushing me around. 1159 01:18:35,669 --> 01:18:40,716 Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting. 1160 01:18:41,800 --> 01:18:44,261 All right, I've had enough. 1161 01:18:44,428 --> 01:18:45,888 [YELLS] 1162 01:18:46,055 --> 01:18:48,140 [NUMBER TWO SCREAMING] 1163 01:18:48,891 --> 01:18:50,976 - Judo chop. - Ugh! 1164 01:18:52,853 --> 01:18:55,564 MAN [ON PA]: The complex will self-destruct. 1165 01:19:01,237 --> 01:19:02,488 Let's split. Let's go. 1166 01:19:05,157 --> 01:19:07,326 This place is gonna blow. 1167 01:19:10,162 --> 01:19:13,165 [ALARM BLARING] 1168 01:19:13,332 --> 01:19:15,876 MAN [ON PA]: The complex will self-destruct. 1169 01:19:16,043 --> 01:19:17,503 MAN: Go! 1170 01:19:18,087 --> 01:19:20,005 Come on, let's go. 1171 01:19:22,341 --> 01:19:24,969 MAN [ON PA]: The complex will self-destruct. 1172 01:19:26,011 --> 01:19:28,013 VANESSA: This way, Austin. AUSTIN: Come on, baby... 1173 01:19:28,180 --> 01:19:29,431 ...it's gonna blow, let's go. 1174 01:19:29,598 --> 01:19:32,851 Move it. Alley-oop. 1175 01:19:33,018 --> 01:19:35,854 [GROANING] 1176 01:19:36,021 --> 01:19:37,273 [ENGINE STARTS] 1177 01:19:37,439 --> 01:19:38,440 Ooh. 1178 01:19:53,914 --> 01:19:55,874 [CHURCH BELLS RINGING] 1179 01:19:56,041 --> 01:19:58,085 [AUSTIN LAUGHING] 1180 01:20:00,671 --> 01:20:03,215 VANESSA: Ha, ha. AUSTIN: Oh... 1181 01:20:03,382 --> 01:20:06,260 Yeah. Ah. 1182 01:20:07,136 --> 01:20:08,595 [AUSTIN CHUCKLES] 1183 01:20:08,762 --> 01:20:10,973 I love you, Mr. Powers. 1184 01:20:11,140 --> 01:20:15,060 And I love you, Mrs. Powers. 1185 01:20:15,227 --> 01:20:16,854 [COMMUNICATOR RINGING] 1186 01:20:17,021 --> 01:20:19,064 Oh, that'll be Basil Exposition. 1187 01:20:20,149 --> 01:20:23,986 - Oh, ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed. - Duty calls, baby. 1188 01:20:27,364 --> 01:20:28,991 Hello, Austin. 1189 01:20:29,158 --> 01:20:32,745 Oh, I-- I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon. 1190 01:20:32,911 --> 01:20:35,039 No, not at all, Basil. 1191 01:20:35,205 --> 01:20:37,583 Did you get that fruit basket I sent you? 1192 01:20:37,750 --> 01:20:42,046 Yes, we did, Basil, but you sent too much. I'm gonna have to send some to my mother. 1193 01:20:42,212 --> 01:20:45,299 - Oh, don't forget these. - Oh, thanks. 1194 01:20:45,466 --> 01:20:48,719 - There you go. - Did you get my other gift? 1195 01:20:48,886 --> 01:20:53,307 - We did. - Yes, Basil, nice rack. 1196 01:20:53,474 --> 01:20:55,976 But who in the world gave us this drawing? 1197 01:20:56,143 --> 01:20:58,020 It's bizarre. 1198 01:20:58,187 --> 01:21:01,857 Well, as you know, Dr. Evil has escaped in his rocket... 1199 01:21:02,024 --> 01:21:04,318 ...which has disappeared from our tracking system. 1200 01:21:04,485 --> 01:21:06,570 - Oh, dear. Hold on. Coffee? - Oh, yes, please. 1201 01:21:06,737 --> 01:21:08,697 Okay. Thank you. 1202 01:21:09,031 --> 01:21:13,369 Oh, and Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent. 1203 01:21:13,535 --> 01:21:15,871 Oh, that's fantastic, Basil. Thanks. 1204 01:21:16,038 --> 01:21:18,082 - Milk? - Yes, please. 1205 01:21:18,248 --> 01:21:23,128 Oh, and Austin, her Majesty, the Queen, informs me that you are to be knighted. 1206 01:21:23,295 --> 01:21:25,089 Very shagadelic. 1207 01:21:25,255 --> 01:21:27,466 Well, the best of luck to both of you. 1208 01:21:27,633 --> 01:21:30,636 - Thanks, Basil. - Goodbye. 1209 01:21:30,803 --> 01:21:35,516 You know, Vanessa, I'll never forget the first time I saw you. 1210 01:21:35,682 --> 01:21:38,602 You were so incredibly beautiful. 1211 01:21:39,436 --> 01:21:42,272 So incredibly sexy. 1212 01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:45,025 I knew I had to have you... 1213 01:21:45,526 --> 01:21:47,945 ...right then and there. 1214 01:21:49,405 --> 01:21:51,949 Did you feel the same way? 1215 01:21:52,116 --> 01:21:54,326 Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth. 1216 01:21:54,493 --> 01:21:55,828 Oh. 1217 01:21:55,994 --> 01:21:57,454 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 1218 01:21:57,621 --> 01:22:00,416 Oh, I ordered some champagne. Come in. 1219 01:22:00,749 --> 01:22:02,084 VANESSA: Oh, lovely, Austin. 1220 01:22:02,251 --> 01:22:04,002 AUSTIN: Right over there's fine, thank you. 1221 01:22:04,169 --> 01:22:06,004 VANESSA: Let's go out on the terrace. 1222 01:22:06,171 --> 01:22:08,132 It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. 1223 01:22:08,298 --> 01:22:09,466 AUSTIN: Smashing idea, baby. 1224 01:22:09,633 --> 01:22:12,052 Yeah, look at you. 1225 01:22:12,553 --> 01:22:14,096 [NECK CRACKS] 1226 01:22:14,263 --> 01:22:16,515 VANESSA: Oh! Look out! 1227 01:22:17,015 --> 01:22:18,934 OW! Unh! 1228 01:22:19,101 --> 01:22:21,645 That really hurt. 1229 01:22:21,812 --> 01:22:24,022 I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot. 1230 01:22:24,565 --> 01:22:28,026 Who throws a shoe? Honestly. 1231 01:22:28,485 --> 01:22:30,112 You fight like a woman. 1232 01:22:32,364 --> 01:22:34,491 [YELLING] 1233 01:22:37,744 --> 01:22:39,538 [CHOKING] 1234 01:22:45,502 --> 01:22:47,004 Austin. 1235 01:22:48,130 --> 01:22:50,674 Honestly, it's not mine. 1236 01:22:50,841 --> 01:22:52,217 No, use it. 1237 01:22:52,718 --> 01:22:54,261 [RANDOM TASK GRUNTS] 1238 01:22:57,139 --> 01:22:58,891 [RANDOM TASK GRUNTING] 1239 01:23:12,196 --> 01:23:13,530 [CRASH] 1240 01:23:13,697 --> 01:23:15,115 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 1241 01:23:17,576 --> 01:23:20,037 Look how beautiful the night sky is. 1242 01:23:20,204 --> 01:23:22,372 Hey, isn't that the Big Dipper? 1243 01:23:22,539 --> 01:23:25,751 Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. 1244 01:23:25,918 --> 01:23:28,253 - Austin. - Well, you know. 1245 01:23:28,420 --> 01:23:32,758 - Hey, I've never seen that big star before. - Yeah, what is that? 1246 01:23:35,052 --> 01:23:36,970 Good God. 1247 01:23:41,642 --> 01:23:44,895 I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. 1248 01:23:45,062 --> 01:23:48,607 It's fricking freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth. 1249 01:23:48,774 --> 01:23:50,692 [YOWLS] 1250 01:24:18,262 --> 01:24:21,473 Darling, you look fabulous. Okay, baby, here we go. 1251 01:24:21,640 --> 01:24:24,017 All right, there we go. Look at that face. 1252 01:24:24,184 --> 01:24:27,062 Show me again, come on. Bit of hair, bit of hair, bit of hair. 1253 01:24:27,229 --> 01:24:31,567 Smashing. Okay. It's coming around now. Coming around. Yes. 1254 01:24:31,733 --> 01:24:36,989 Yes, great. Yes, yes, yes. No! No! No. No, it's not working. 1255 01:24:37,155 --> 01:24:40,993 Darling, you go change, there you go. Can you change her? Is that okay? All right? 1256 01:24:41,159 --> 01:24:43,745 Very good. Very good. 1257 01:24:43,912 --> 01:24:46,456 And right here. Right here, looking right there. 1258 01:24:46,623 --> 01:24:48,792 Looking right-- I'm not even looking. 1259 01:24:48,959 --> 01:24:53,547 Oh, you're wicked. You got your mojo working overtime, darling. Yeah. 1260 01:24:53,714 --> 01:24:56,008 Look, I'm not even shooting you, it's insane. 1261 01:24:56,174 --> 01:24:59,678 Smashing. Beautiful. Come on, can I get a smile? 1262 01:24:59,845 --> 01:25:04,016 Okay, come on. Come on, you boys, get together, come on. 1263 01:25:05,017 --> 01:25:08,061 Okay, good. Loving it. Let's make a Vanessa sandwich. 1264 01:25:08,228 --> 01:25:12,691 You're wearing horns, you're wearing horns. Come on, Austin, give it to me. Go. Go-- 1265 01:25:12,858 --> 01:25:14,693 Oh, behave. 1266 01:25:14,860 --> 01:25:20,157 Okay, you're an animal. An animal. Yes. 1267 01:25:22,409 --> 01:25:27,789 Yes, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the top of the hair, that's all I want. 1268 01:25:27,956 --> 01:25:30,626 Born, and shoot. Again, try it one more time. 1269 01:25:30,792 --> 01:25:34,880 And I'm born, and shoot. That's it, yeah. 1270 01:25:35,047 --> 01:25:37,549 Let's go, come on, come on. Come on. 1271 01:25:37,716 --> 01:25:41,887 Ignore this. Ignore this. Ignore me doing this. 1272 01:25:44,556 --> 01:25:46,725 Fabulous, darling. 1273 01:25:50,729 --> 01:25:53,523 Go, go, go! 1274 01:25:57,402 --> 01:26:00,280 Lord. Lord. 1275 01:26:01,948 --> 01:26:04,451 Yes, yes, yes. Okay, show me eyes. 1276 01:26:04,618 --> 01:26:07,454 Yes. Yes. Yes-- 1277 01:26:07,621 --> 01:26:12,417 No! No! No! Never get-- And I'm spent. 1278 01:26:12,584 --> 01:26:13,710 [CAMERA SMASHES] 1279 01:26:13,877 --> 01:26:18,423 What say you we go out on the town and swing, baby, yeah. 1280 01:26:22,427 --> 01:26:24,262 [PLAYING "BBC"] 1281 01:26:24,429 --> 01:26:28,016 [suns-me "BBC"] 1282 01:29:30,782 --> 01:29:32,784 98316

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