Original subtitles

Previously on "Web Therapy"...

- In a week? - In a week.

This is the reason for the internet call...

- Uh-huh. - And my need of your services.

Right.

I have... I'm being deposed...

about my lying.

Oh.

And if it's found out that I am a compulsive liar,

then I'm gonna be disbarred.

I'm preparing to tamper with the brakes

on the justice's car tonight...

What?

In the Pennsylvania supreme court.

No. Why would you do that?

Because I want to get Kip a seat on the supreme court.

What's going on, all right? I'm not buying this.

Let's just say that I'm privy to some of your sessions,

- or I have at least... - How?

I've...

How are you privy to some of my sessions, hacker?

Are you a hacker?

N-no.

There's a big distinction between what I do and hacking.

I work for the National Security Agency, so...

The NSA?

S04E11 No Stranger to Scandal

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

Ah.

- I hope this works. - What is that getup?

Oh, hi, Fiona.

I just thought I'd call and leave you a message about...

I'm just knitting some booties,

hoping that you and Kip have a baby soon.

- I so look forward... - She's lost her mind.

to being a grandmama.

You know, the funniest thing I was thinking about...

those jokes we were playing and having fun with.

Oh, it was so much fun, playing around,

and I talked to you about tampering with the car's brakes,

you know, and, of course, you know I was kidding,

and I know that the NSA must know that I'm kidding,

because... [Fast-forwarding]

And I would never kill a judge,

because that would be wrong... [Fast-forwarding]

♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

[Fast-forwarding]

Who does she think is in the NSA?

God bless you, God bless America, and good night.

I hope that fucking did it.

God damn it, I get sick of it.

Oh, well done.

Let's see.

Well, did it work, NSA?

Oh, Tyler Bishop's waiting.

Well, hello... hello, Tyler?

Motion to strike. Motion to strike.

Oh, hello!

Did I keep you waiting that long?

No, I'm sorry. I'm so glad that you're here.

I-I-I can't believe it, but I think I'm cured.

- I've spent the whole day... - In just eight sessions?

the whole day just telling the truth.

You're amazing.

Oh! You're welcome!

It's like I can't even tell a lie now.

Oh, that's wonderful, but I hope you don't mind,

I'm gonna test you...

- Oh. - A little.

Oh, that's fine. I think I could... I'd hold up to that.

- All right. - That's fine. Go ahead.

I'm good, but I don't know...

okay, let's see. Am I...

I would like to sleep with you...

Okay. Well, yes.

Sometime.

I believe you,

and I believe, of course, you're telling the truth.

It happens a lot.

- And not just sleep. - Right.

No, I understood that to mean...

well, you really... you are being very honest.

Yeah, I can't believe it.

That's why I got this smile painted on my face.

- I can't believe it. - Oh!

Let's have sex sometime. [Laughs]

We should make a plan.

I'm very proud of myself, though, I have to say,

because I knew I was good, but lawyers can be tricky,

- which is a compliment, I guess. - Oh, well, thank you very much.

And I think you should spread the word.

- Yes. - I think you should...

you know, you should definitely tell your husband

that you were able to cure me.

You know what? I think I will tell my husband,

because sometimes he doesn't believe

that what I do is worthwhile

and that I'm helping people in the world.

I think you should definitely talk to your husband.

Tell... don't say the thing that we were just talking about.

- No, I know enough to lie. - Leave that out.

Sometimes it's good to lie,

so I think that's the balance that you're going to figure out.

You've just done a miraculous job with me.

I'm transformed,

and it'd be great for you to tell your husband that,

so he would know the great work that you're doing.

You know, in fact, I don't think

you charge enough for these sessions.

You're not charging enough.

Well, $2,500 per session is nice, so...

I would... personally, I would like to pay you $5,000 a session

for the next 12 sessions.

Okay, well, let me understand this.

You're going to pay me $60,000 for this?

- Yes. - Deal!

Thank you. [Chuckles]

You're welcome. It's my pleasure.

And this isn't personal. This isn't about the other thing.

This is about how much you're helping me.

I believe you. I do.

- I hope you know... - it's all right...

- I-I'm... I'm... I tape this... - These sessions?

Because I want to get you more work

with more lawyers who lie...

Oh.

Because we have meetings that we have

about people who can't tell the truth.

- Oh, there's a support group? - There's a support group.

The only problem is that everybody

lies about where it is.

- Okay. - So nobody can ever find it.

So you have a lot of other lawyer-liar friends

that would be willing to pay as much

as you're willing to pay, do you think?

I should call them my lawyer-liar friends.

That should be the name of the support group,

because the name of the support group

- is "hey, come on." - Oh.

So, if you don't mind, I'd like to...

I have my own editing bay.

- Oh. - That's actually true.

Okay.

And I could edit out the section about

we're gonna have sex with each other.

Right, but that was a joke anyway, you know.

So, when you were saying that you wanted to get together

and have sex, that wasn't true?

You weren't telling the truth?

No, I wasn't. I wasn't!

No, I wasn't telling the truth!

[Whispering] Yes, I was. I was.

- Can you hear? - I...

[whispering] I want to too.

I want to. Okay.

- Hello, Gina. - Hi, goddess.

[Laughs]

- Look at you. - I'm at sex anon...

Yes, that's good.

In Nevada.

You have so many lesions on you.

- Wow. - Oh, hickeys.

It's crazy here.

It's like the sex Olympics.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

It's kind of like this thing called immersion therapy...

- Uh-huh. - where it teaches us...

like, we fuck so much that you get bored of it.

Oh.

It's like fucking and you don't get paid,

and sometimes, like, we fuck so hard that we, like...

some of us pass out, and we get sick of it.

- Interesting. - But that hasn't happened yet.

No one's gotten sick of it.

- Oh. - Yeah.

These are, like, sex animals, sex athletes.

Wow. All right.

- Yeah. - Wow. Good luck.

I hope you get... I hope you vomit.

- Yes! That would be great... - Okay.

But, I mean, I can take it.

- Right. - I can take a lot...

- Yeah. - without vomiting.

Something to be proud of.

- Yeah, out of every orifice. - Uh-huh.

You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking,

in between our sex-ssions,

and I was thinking that maybe I might sign, you know,

the baby over to Jerome.

Oh, all right. Sure, yeah.

Yeah, I just really feel like it's the right thing to do,

and...

[Whispering] I never really liked him anyway.

Oh, well, you know, that happens...

Sorry.

- With my mother, for example. - Ready.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I can't.

I'm using my mouth for talking right now.

Well, what are we gonna do about this here?

Calm it down!

Think of your mom.

Slap it. No, don't slap it.

Should I let you go maybe, and then you can...

- Yeah. - That sounds great.

You can start... commence treatment.

- All right. - Yeah, this is important work.

It is, and I... good... okay.

It's like the work that you do...

- Almost. - But with penises.

Right. That... you took the words right out of my mouth.

- All right. - And into your mouth.

Oh. [Laughs]

- Oh, hello, Tyler. - Hey. I got great news.

- I'm so happy. - Oh.

I just wanted you to know the hearing went great.

Oh!

I've been acquitted. I'm able to be a lawyer again.

- Thank you so much. - That's wonderful.

- That's wonderful. - Yeah.

- Congratulations. - I'm so excited.

I'm so excited to... to thank you and to continue practicing

and helping... helping the lesser... the lesser man.

Yes. It's nice to be in service, isn't it?

I do pro bono work.

- Oh, good for you. - Yeah.

Not only that, but I do work for poor people for free.

I don't understand your sense of humor all the time.

- Well, I'll explain it to you. - That's all right.

It's like... it's like a book.

It's like if you're reading a book,

and then you drop the book.

I guess I just like stuff where people get hurt,

so, you know...

And embarrassed, and ashamed.

Well, maybe the book lands... the book lands on a fly.

- Right, and the fly gets squashed. - That's hilarious, right?

Especially if there's one leg moving.

Right, so it's not completely dead.

It's so pathetic.

And it would have to be, like, war and peace or some heavy book.

[Laughing]

Anyway, that's my sense of humor.

Okay. So the hearing was today.

- That's great. - The hearing was today.

I didn't know.

And the incredible thing is that the judge was your husband,

Kip, Kipper, Kipperstein,

Kipper, the Kipper, the big Kipper.

Kip Wallice.

That's my husband. He was your judge?

- Like the big Gipper... - Oh.

But the big Kipper.

Oh. Okay.

That's another example of my sense of humor.

I'm surprised.

I would think that's a tremendous conflict of interest, though.

Well, whatever it was, it worked.

I'm allowed to be a lawyer again, so, you know, thank you.

You're... you're just... you're just wonderful.

That's... I'm just confused.

I'm surprised he didn't recuse himself.

You didn't let him know that I was treating you, then.

But he would have seen my signature.

No, he seemed kind of excited about it.

I wonder why he would be excited, because...

Well, I-I sent him... I sent him... I hope it's okay...

I sent him a copy of our, you know,

sessions together.

The se... the... but I... we didn't edit it yet.

No, I edited it.

I took out the... I took out sort of the naughty parts...

Oh.

Which I'm still hoping are, you know, really gonna happen,

but I'll send you what I sent to him.

- Okay. - Okay. You ready?

Yes. Yeah.

It's like a book dropping on a fly.

- Uh-huh. - Here you go.

Okay, I got it.

Now let me just open it. Okay, let me see.

And I have to show this judge that I'm making progress.

You know, my husband is a lawyer.

I mean, he was a lawyer, but now he's a judge, so...

You should definitely tell your husband

that you were able to cure me.

You're going to pay me $60,000 for this?

- Oh, no! - Yes.

- Deal! - No, no.

Yes, yes.

No, you edited that to make it look like I was accepting money

in return for access to a judge!

I can't... that's...

that's... that's a lie. That didn't happen.

You know, this could... that's not fair.

This could ruin him, all right?

I... that's not right!

You seem like you're getting quite upset.

I am upset! Of course I'm upset.

You've really helped out a lot.

I just... okay, so what happened here was, in fact,

that you knew Kip was going to be your judge,

and that's when you got in touch with me

to ask for "help" for you,

all right, because you can't stop yourself from lying,

and then you tricked me into saying those things

that you then edited together to make it look

like something untoward was happening.

Yes.

Okay, fine. Well, you know what?

I will take solace in the fact

that I'm getting $60,000 for this con.

Well, I can't pay you, obviously, anymore,

because I set this whole thing up, so I'm still lying,

so you really haven't done anything,

but I would be happy to pay you for other web services

that exist out there in the world...

Other web services.

Like what?

Well, you could take off... you could take off your clothes.

Fiona, I'm so sorry.

I destroyed all the files at the NSA,

but there were some on my laptop for personal use,

and my roommate got in there,

and now he's gonna pull a Snowden.

I'm on my way to South America.

I'm gonna reach out as soon as I can.

I'm so, so sorry.

Okay.

Oh.

Now all my sessions will be posted online, Kip.

How can we stop it?

No, I can't... you'd have no pull with the NSA?

You're a judge! I...

but I don't... no, I can't help it!

But... so you can't help at all?

Not at all?

Well, I'm finished!

Oh, no. [Mouse clicking]

I don't think I'm the worst. Don't...

Uh-oh. That's harsh.

Oh, no, that's...

"Cyberbullied"? That's too much.

A teenager wrote this one.

Oh, no. [Stutters]

What about my clients?

They must be coming to my support.

Cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel.

Oh, no.

Oh, this is bad.

[Computer ringing]

- Hello? - Yes.

- Hi, Dr. Wallice. - Jerome.

- Hi. - Yes.

Listen, what's happening?

Well, it's so dark. Are you okay?

You're under your... you're under your desk.

Yes, I'm hiding. There are reporters everywhere!

- Yeah. - Can't you see them?

I do, I do. It's quite a crowd,

and, you know, your stalker, Grace,

is serving coffee to all...

she's so sweet. Hi, Grace!

Oh, no, don't encourage her. No.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - She's trying to get attention.

I don't dare go near my window.

No, but she baked crescent rolls, and they love it.

- That's great. So they'll never leave. - Well...

Keep them fed. They're like... they're like stray dogs.

Jerome, this is awful, all right?

I have... my clients are trying to sue me.

They keep trying to serve me with summonses,

and I can't go near my door or my window,

or I don't... where's Kip?

I called Kip, and he went into hiding with April,

and I called Putsy, and she's also off the grid,

so it's very hard to reach anybody.

- Off the grid? - Yeah.

This is... but I need help. What about me?

I know. They're not... you know what?

They have been advised not to go anywhere near you.

You're nuclear right now, because of all the media.

- Are you gonna make a statement? - Oh, of course I'm not.

I can't go near my window or my door.

- I can't do any of that. - Yeah, I wouldn't.

I wish I could go over there, but I can't get through

- that media blitz either. - No.

If we had built that bridge,

the secret bridge, the passageway

between the two houses... we should have done that.

Yes, that's my biggest regret, Jerome,

is that I didn't let you build that bridge

so we could have secret meetings.

- Don't... - You're an idiot!

Well, don't blame yourself. Don't blame yourself, 'cause I...

- I'm not. - Oh, okay.

Well, if I could...

- Oh, my goodness, you know what? - What?

A new truck pulled up, and there's...

- it's from CNN. - Oh, great.

It's Anderson Cooper! Jeepers!

Here?

[Computer ringing]

Listen, I-I-I don't know you,

and I'm not supposed to be seeing clients, okay?

Oh, no, no.

I shouldn't even be on this... the airwaves right now.

- Okay? - I'm not-I'm not a client.

My name's Jenny Bologna.

- You're a reporter? - No.

- Is that what you are? - No, I'm not.

- Because I'm not doing interviews. - Okay.

I thought you'd be my husband,

'cause he picks fake names like Jenny Baloney.

Okay. Calm down. Calm down.

Thank you.

- My name is Jenny Bologna. - Yes.

I'm calling you from New York City.

I am a fixer.

- Basically... - I know what those are.

- Oh, you do? - Yes.

- Tell me. - People who fix bad situations.

Basically, what I do is I help the publicly damaged,

by their own accord or by someone else's, and I...

Someone else's... that's my case.

Yes, by their own accord or by someone else's,

and I-I make sure that... that the world sees them

for who we want the world to think that they are.

- Oh, all right. - So...

Well, there's no end to people who want to make money off of my plight.

Oh, no, no, for free.

All I ask in return is just for your... your respect

and maybe a thank-you.

But I don't know that I trust that you are one,

because I've seen many of them,

and all of them have declined my case.

Because right now you are kind of one of the most hated women

in the greater United States

and some of Europe and a couple other countries

that I've never even heard of, but...

- Right, which is unfair... - Right.

because really... I've been nothing but helpful

to the world with my...

- Well... - you know, therapy...

my modality has helped so many people, you know,

and then they have to broadcast sessions,

which... that's not fair.

Well, now that the world has seen your sessions

and seen you roll your eyes at your clients

- and... - Well...

Mock them and make it about you,

the world just isn't... that's not who they fall in love with.

Well, I don't know... I mean, I feel like it's getting better.

You know, a lot of the broad... it's...

the sessions have been taken down...

- well... - And...

Yes, they have.

My name is Jenny Bologna.

That's... are you saying you're responsible?

Why don't you Google your name right now?

- Just type in "Fiona Wallice." - I don't do-it's too hurtful.

Just Google your name.

You're a slow typer, but we'll work on that.

Oh.

- Huh? - Yes, that's...

- What? - What happened?

No, because the last...

now it just says... it's about me and Kip

and doing charity work, and I'm the lovely wife of...

but bef...

that's different... you're welcome.

'Cause it used to just be the horror.

You did this?

I'm not saying I did. I'm not saying I didn't.

But I'm gonna say you're welcome.

You got the bad stories moved down?

Look at what year you were born.

Oh.

That's not... that's later than when I was...

- I mean, it's pushing it... - Actually...

- A little bit, but... - I think I can pass for...

- Anyway, are you convinced now? - All right.

I mean, I don't know if you've done any...

This is what I'd like to do.

I've already talked to a lot of my contacts here in New York

and across the entire country,

and I would love for you to come to New York City...

Well, I have a penthouse in New York City.

Oh.

Clearly, you're not in the city,

'cause I see greenery behind you, and...

yeah, but...

I... yes, no, well, no, I am in New York state.

New York state, right,

but not New York City, like you had said.

- Okay. - So... I mean, 'cause I'm sharp,

and I can pick up on things.

Well, then we'll meet at your penthouse in the city...

Right.

Because that's so much better than just being in New York state.

Well, no, I wasn't trying to put you down, you know.

You weren't? You know what?

- Maybe you're jealous. - You're right about that.

- We'll just leave it at that. - Okay. [Chuckles]

Well, I want you to meet with Arianna,

who's a very good friend of mine.

- Huffington? - Huffington.

- Huffington Post? - Yes, of the Huffpo.

Would come to my...

We've got meetings with GSN and HGTV.

Now, it wasn't really a talk show for HGTV.

We're thinking of getting you on love it or list it.

That way, people can see you as a real person,

as opposed to the... the uppity,

sort of hoity-toity person

that you portray yourself to be out there in the world.

You know, let's take you down a notch.

I need to list my house

because I can't stay here anymore, because it's not safe.

Right, and we don't have to, like, enhance your face.

You know, you already do look like someone who hasn't slept

and who has been drinking a lot.

The foundation, maybe, I'm using is too yellow.

Maybe or...

Or liver damage, but do you drink a lot, Fiona?

Not normally, but, I mean, I've had a couple.

Yeah, well, maybe we should lay off the sauce for a minute.

I'll stop the pills so I can sleep.

Don't stop the pills, honey.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

How can we help with the attempted suicide

that we're gonna put out there?

We need to keep those Oxycontin and whatever you got going

on your nightstand at all times.

I won't have to move to Russia, will I?

[Laughing] I'd rather not.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Don't know that Ed Snowden and I would have a lot in common.

What's wrong with Russia?

You got to stop putting people down.

- People have feelings, all right? - Right, but it's...

- Really... - that's a nation.

- You really come across... - Okay.

- Like a really privileged... - Right.

Those are things to aspire to, though, aren't they?

I mean, that's America, so we all...

Well, yes, of course. We all...

- We all look up to... - we all want to be there.

We all didn't get to have Putsy Hodge as our mother, you know?

- I mean, some of us... - Oh, you know that, then?

Well, I'm from Boston.

Oh, you're from Boston?

- Oh, yes. - Oh, I didn't...

We know who Putsy Hodge is.

This is the woman we all aspired to be when we were growing up.

What? Really?

And we all just watched her, and she's a...

A force.

She's a big name in our household.

- In your household? - Such grace and...

Really?

wisdom and beauty and elegance...

- I suppose, from afar. - and intelligence...

And probably gave you an incredible education and...

She did.

She gave me an education on abandonment.

- Oh. - No, t-that's too harsh.

My parents were divorced, and I...

she had me live with my father.

- Oh. - She raised my sister...

- Oh. - Shevaun.

You lived with your father. I...

- Yeah. - I just...

I didn't have a father, so it's...

- Oh. - When I hear things like that...

- Oh. - But this isn't about me, okay?

It's about you. I want to hear more about you.

What was your... what was your home like?

Did you have electricity?

Yes, of course I had... you didn't have electricity?

We had candles.

We used those bug zappers sometimes,

which was... really hard to sleep.

Yes, no, they're loud.

But, you know, you could see

how you could get to the pot to piss in,

and I'm not saying that... "pot to piss in."

I literally had a pot to piss in in my room.

- But this isn't about me. - Right.

Okay? This is about you.

This is about you and the dollhouses you had

and the pretty little knickers that you had and...

did you have any Mary Jane shoes?

I knew a girl named Mary Jane, and she was a whore.

- Oh. - That's all I had.

Well... well, did you grow up on some colonial re-creation...

- No, we were just very poor. - Landmark or...?

We just were hit with the shit stick,

- so to speak. - Wow.

Growing up in our little row house.

- Oh, you... oh. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Near St. Vincent's hospital.

That's where I was born.

And here, I'm gonna blow your mind right now.

I was born there too.

Oh. Well, a lot of children...

In a utility closet...

- Oh, that's... - but I was born there.

That's the mind-blowing part.

- Yeah. - Wow.

My first bath was in a mop bucket,

but this is... this isn't about me. I'm sorry.

No, but you're impressive...

I like to get it all out. Yes.

'Cause you come from such low, low, low beginnings...

- Yes. - and then look what you...

And you come from such high, high, high beginnings.

Right, so people want to tear me down.

They want to tear you down 'cause you're a horrible woman.

Well, that's...

Let's just put it on the table here.

Well, unfortunately, you know, I mean, when my...

we're no stranger to scandal, right?

Mm, right.

My husband's campaign blew up and...

Yeah, because he's a homosexual.

But why do you think that that story didn't snowball

and that he's allowed to be a judge right now?

That... are you saying you're responsible for...

I'm not saying I did.

I'm not saying I didn't, but you're welcome.

Lisa's in Philadelphia, so she'll come up to New York.

- Come up. - Let's do that again.

- Oh, sorry. - It's below New York?

Semantics. [Blows raspberry]

- Directions. - Geography.

What's that about?

Like the north pole is any different from the south pole.

Okay. [Laughing]

It's not about me, is it?

- Well, I didn't think it was. - [Laughs]

Let's get out of this... wow.

[All laughing]

Would it help if you don't...

if they turned the monitor off so you don't see me?

'Cause you're not supposed to see me.

No, I don't have to think about you.

Okay. [Both laughing]

Anderson!

Anderson!

[Laughing]

Cut. Cut.

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com