Original subtitles

Previously on "Web Therapy"...

Starbucks and Barnes & Noble

are people you want to be in business with

because they're very successful.

And I personally would invest in this.

Very exciting. I'll write you a check...

I'll write you a check right now.

I run a company called absolute last call.

And it's intimate, uh, erotic conversations

with, um, older, like...

geriatric, um, elderly women.

S04E04 Smile Through the Pain

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

- Hello, Jeb. - Hello, doctor.

Hey, you showed up for your appointment.

I am nothing if not professional.

Well, I'm very professional myself.

I'm just surprised. I... you know, you seemed so...

irritated or... I don't know what at the concert with me.

Just the, you know, disgust at my physical presence.

Well, it wasn't so much the presence as it was the actions.

But your intriguement with me and I'm your doctor...

- So you thought... - and you have a very,

- very specific issue. - Groping me during...

during a Barry Manilow concert was... was the right way to...

Well, that's what the other men were doing.

I mean, look, I like Mandy. It's a beautiful song.

I don't see it as an invitation to sort of... get physical.

You don't see anything from an age-appropriate woman

as an invitation to get physical.

That's sort of the problem I was trying to help you address.

Okay, can I be honest with you?

Well, yes, it's what I'm here for.

- I am attracted to you. - Okay, finally.

As wildly inappropriate as it may have been,

when you reached down into my lap for the "candy bar"

you dropped... - Mm-hmm.

obviously I felt something.

- Oh. - And...

I thought you did, but I thought maybe

I actually did drop a candy bar.

The problem I'm having is, if I find myself suddenly,

bizarrely attracted to a younger woman,

what is that going to do for my business?

- Well... - I can't do what I do

and be attracted to women like you.

There's no reason you can't do any other job.

It's the thing... it's the thing that what I do,

like talking and making people feel something

and... and providing this service to people...

like, no one does that except me.

If I go away, it goes away.

And if I have these feelings toward someone like you...

Mm-hmm.

Your age, then what does that mean?

It means you're more normal than you thought,

that maybe Harold and Maude wasn't your favorite movie.

- Such a good movie. - Wasn't it wonder...

- Ruth Gordon, wonderful. - Yeah, just so good.

Bud cort is a revelation in that.

Yes, and that would... that's a fun movie to watch

because it's absurd, right?

You enjoyed the movie because of the absurdity.

No, because it was real.

The part that I liked was the reality

and the, like, real emotions that they were going through.

That's the part that I responded to.

That's, you know, a big part of why I do what I do.

But this, now... this is... you've thrown everything

- into a tailspin. - Yeah, but...

- What do I do... - You know what, this whole...

Now that you've entered into this?

Thing of yours about, "this is my passion.

"This is what I do. I don't know what else I would do.

I'm good at it, and"... no, no, no.

You know, I took, you know, pictures of us...

selfies, they're called... at the concert,

and then I looked at them, and, you know,

you are actually good-looking

on camera.

- I know. - Oh, all right.

Well, so there's nothing you can do with that?

Be an actor in commercials or a weatherman?

Sure, I mean, but that's the easy road.

Maybe it's easy for you because that's your destiny.

I could've done a lot of things in my life.

- I chose this. - Mm-hmm.

You made me think now about my whole standing in...

in my business relationship and my personal relationship.

Mm.

If I'm all of a sudden finding myself attracted

to women your age, much, much younger...

- Oh, you're welcome, good. - I don't know how to...

how to fix that.

Okay, so maybe you're not ready.

Let's continue treatment, all right?

I think we're due to see each other in person again.

Let's meet tonight so that we can further explore this.

Okay. Yeah, no, that makes sense.

That makes sense. I just... I don't...

I don't have a lot of time. I have the...

I have the graveyard shift tonight, so...

Right, aren't they all in bed by 8:00?

Well, no, you think "graveyard shift" is a time.

It just means ladies that are older than... than 90-plus.

Oh. Oh.

- Uh, hi. - Oh, hello.

- Hi. - Hi, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice.

Well, I know who you are.

Yes, 'cause you... I don't think...

do you have an appointment? I don't...

No, I have been calling you. I'm your neighbor, Grace.

And it's so nice to meet you.

I've been calling you and calling you.

You have?

I'm the one who sent the edible arrangement.

- Oh, that was you. - Yes.

I knocked, and you didn't answer,

- and I peeked in the window... - Oh.

Nothing. So I thought I'd send you...

I thought it was a religious organization

'cause it just said... it was just "Grace."

So I thought it was someone, you know,

offering, you know, I don't know,

wishing me grace.

Well, I do. I wish you grace.

- Oh, thank you. - And here I am.

Oh, that was really nice. I'm not new to the neighborhood.

I gave them to the next-door neighbors,

assuming it was meant for them

as a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift.

Well, it very definitely was not meant for them.

Oh.

I have watched in horror, and... and I wonder

who these, uh, do-no... no-do-gooders are...

Right, exactly.

Because, uh, the girl has a tiny Jean

that doesn't seem to cover...

- it can only be called her crack. - Right.

And she's planted carnations, which is a prom flower

and has no place in the neighborhood.

I know, she thinks they're pretty and elegant.

Well, they're not.

I know. I'm so sorry.

There is a-a regular duck dynasty

going on over there.

There's a baby and a blonde

and a brunette and a gentleman that's running a...

- probably a brothel. - Well, no, he's not.

That's... he's my assistant, who, you know...

Oh.

And he won this sort of lottery, all right,

I guess is the only way to look at it,

and so they purchased the house next door.

It's, you know... yes, it's not the sort

we usually have in our neighborhood.

And so I'm sorry, even though I'm not responsible,

I am sorry, you know, for the neighborhood.

Well... Okay, I forgive you.

Oh, thanks.

Just 'cause you're so darn cute.

But we must do something. I mean, he is your assistant.

But maybe, are you head of the homeowners association,

or the neighborhood watch or something?

Maybe you can come up with a reason to get them out,

although I don't think there is one, legally,

but, um, you know.

Well, I'm not the head of the homeowners, no, but I am...

You're involved in the neighborhood, okay.

Well, what I like to do with my time is, um,

a lot of charity work, because...

- Good for you. - It's important to have

a lot of parties, and, uh, you know,

if they help people along the way, that's great.

- Uh-huh. - But, um,

I also have a women's group. I have a book club.

I have, you know, a lot of things going on.

You should come over.

Oh, well, your life is so full, I wouldn't want to intrude.

Well, we can always make room for one more blonde

at the table, you know?

Like, all of us blondes,

just sitting around and talking about our money.

You know, it would be fun. You should come over.

We have a couple charities going on right now.

- We have a flash mob charity... - Ah.

Because the flash mob has kind of been, you know,

- tossed to the wayside. - Right.

And so we're doing a flash mob

to promote the flash mob business.

- Uh-huh. Oh, is it a business? - And so it's kind of

- a charity tie-in. - Yeah, right.

No, what a funsy idea. And then, uh...

And then we perform at the mall, and, you know.

Right, well, I couldn't possibly commit

to something like that with my work schedule.

- I would only disappoint. - Oh.

So... but enjoy your resurrection

of a meaningless fad that went as quickly as it came, rightly.

Wow.

I don't know how to put it.

I guess Marnie was... was right about...

- Marnie? - Uh, yes, uh...

Marnie Westport?

You're friends with Marnie Westport?

Well, yeah, I mean, very much so.

Oh, you sort of look like her.

Oh, well, it's like, you know,

when two besties spend a lot of time together,

you start to, I guess, rub off on each other, you know?

I've been trying to meet with her because Senator Westport

is on the judiciary committee, and so I was trying

to arrange a little intimate dinner party.

But, you know, unfortunately, I met Marnie somewhere,

and I didn't know who she was, so of course

you're very disinterested when you first meet someone

and a little dismissive, you know,

like we all are with strangers,

and so I think she was a little sensitive to that.

So, you know, we have... and she's sort of been resisting.

She can be a little, uh, prickly, for sure.

- Oh. - And, you know,

as, like, sisters do, you have your...

your, you know, your heres and your theres.

- You're sisters? - Practically.

Oh, you're not sisters, okay.

Well, either you are or you aren't.

Well, we are, even though we're not.

All right. Oh, good for you. You're so close.

We just like the exact same things,

except once in a while she's like, "aah!"

But pretty much, you know, we're...

You should come over, and, um, we have lots of fun.

We sit around, and we have so much fun.

- Oh, you and Marnie? - Mm-hmm.

And all the girls, everybody. A lot of people.

- Do you watch Kathie Lee & Hoda? - No, I don't.

They... well...

- What is that? - They have so much fun,

it feels like there's, like, 20 people there.

And they drink wine and laugh, and that's kind of what we do.

- Oh, in the middle of the day. - Well, for charity.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- So... - Oh, you drink for charity?

- Mm-hmm. - I don't know...

I've never heard of that kind of charitable event.

Come over, have a glass of wine.

Most charity involves a lot of drinking.

That's true. You know what, I'm being unfair.

I'm being a little contrarian.

You should come over and drink some charity wine with us.

With you and Marnie? I would love it.

- I would... - Okay, come over tomorrow.

There's, like, a... we're gonna have a bunco,

like, all the girls together and then give the money

- away to poor people. - What's a bunco?

It's a dice game, and it's hard, and it's challenging.

Everybody gets mad at each other.

And if that doesn't work, we'll play guesstures or something.

- What's guesstures? - It's where you have a timer,

and it's like charades but more fun.

And, um... and everybody, like, has to act things out.

Oh, it's like... so it's like parlor game/charity.

Like, here's a guesstures.

Like, here, let me show you an example.

So, it's like... Oh, who am I?

- Who am I? - I don't know.

I d... oh, I don't know. Who am I?

- I don't know. - I don't know.

A mirror?

- I don't know, who am I? - A tape recorder?

You're just sort of repeating what I say, I don't...

- 'cause I'm you! - Oh, wonderful!

Yay, I win, I win.

Yes, and then you win. Okay.

This is fun. This is really fun.

It is fun. We are... we're connecting.

And just to be sure, tomorrow night at your house...

- Yes. - And Marnie will be there.

Why don't you come over early, and we'll make a dip

- or just hang out? - And where am I going?

Which house is yours in the neighborhood?

The, uh, house with the blue shutters,

Oh, that's the very... the one on the corner...

- that's the corner... oh, wow. - Yes, it is.

You... that's... it looks like a compound.

- If you come early... - Mm-hmm.

I will show you

the prince William and Kate fountain,

that we are the only people in America who have it.

The... a fountain in their likeness, or...

- Yes. - So the outside is good taste.

Hello, Gina.

- Thank you. - Oh, you're welcome. For what?

I'm thanking you for inspiring me to get a job.

Oh, good for you. So what is it you decided to do?

Well, you know, I go door-to-door,

and I sell products, and then I have little parties

where I come over and I take out my goods...

- And demonstrate how they work. - And I demonstrate how they work,

and, I just, you know,

I make them feel comfortable about the product...

Oh, wow.

Describe which hole it goes in.

Oh.

I don't... how... you mean, like,

I don't underst... if they're cleaning fluids

or makeup lines... what do you mean?

Well, sometimes I clean them, but, sometimes, you know,

we don't have time. I just use wipes.

But it's... you know, it's sex toys.

- Oh! - And I've been inviting

everyone in the neighborhood, like, all of your friends,

all of the ladies that you know,

Leslie Lawrence from the library,

and that snotty museum lady, just all of them.

They've been so excited about these sex toys.

Oh, they truly are? They're buying them?

You would not believe what these closet freaks are into.

Some of them need, like, six batteries.

What?

Some of them need, like, six batteries.

No, no, I heard it.

- It's amazing. - Yeah, that's amazing.

It's so fantastic. I have my own company.

- The name of my company... - Oh, yeah.

Is FEH. Feel every hole.

- The "h" is silent. - Clever.

Isn't that fancy?

- Right. - And also I wanted to tell you...

because I love you so much your my inpiration.

I get a commission?

Yes, you are going to be the face

of my biggest selling product, the ass spindle.

Oh, do you know what commission means?

It's not that... it's just a fee.

You don't have to put my face on it.

- No. - It's just a little fee

every time you sell something.

People buy the ass spindle in drones.

Seriously, it's like...

it's got, like, all these great purposes.

Literally, I mean, the tagline for ass spindle is,

"smile through the pain,"

and I think that that's what you do.

- You smile through the pain. - Right.

Yes, I do. But I would... I...

I'd be too ashamed to take credit for something

- that you came up with. - You should,

because it's also a calligraphy pen.

Oh, that's what you decided it is also?

- If you wipe it. - Right.

Listen, Gina, I'm not comfortable taking credit

of any kind.

You know, good marketing...

a smart businessperson keeps it simple.

So, "here's my product. It's Gina Spinks.

"FEH, by Gina Spinks.

Here's the ass spindle. Gina Spinks."

You know, it all has to stay with the one person

that makes the brand recognizable, right?

I want your face on it because...

I don't want my face on it.

- You sell more sex products... - Than you do?

- No. - So I tell everybody

that you're the reason behind these products,

that you inspired me and empowered me.

Okay, don't do that.

And that you use all of these products.

B-but now, that's a lie.

The ladies in the neighborhood love you,

and if I told them that you use it, you're behind it,

- they'd buy it up by the dozens. - No.

My first sale was to Grace Tiverton.

- All right. - And I told her...

- All right. - that you loved it.

She bought, like, 12. She wanted 12.

She doesn't even have that many holes.

- Hello, Steven. - Oh, hey.

- Hey. - I'm just trying to...

- Oh, look at you. - I know, this watch is so big.

Is that a new purchase? Look, you're buying things.

I know, well, I'm taking your advice, so...

good for you. You're feeling...

You know, trying to enjoy the... the cash flow, so...

- That's wonderful. - Yeah.

Listen, I'm a little concerned.

I haven't yet received our agreement...

- Oh, yeah. - With your signature

or any materials about the Skype cafe idea.

Oh, yeah, yeah, 'cause I sent that right out.

Did you?

- 'Cause I haven't received it. - No.

No, 'cause I knew, you know, it was another test.

So I... of course I ripped it up and, uh...

What? Oh, no, no, that wasn't a test.

- Yeah. - No, that was not a test.

- That was not... - That's real.

No, no, I meant it. It's a real lesson.

You need to learn that when... in any business arrangement,

even amongst friends, there needs to be

something in writing to define the agreement.

Right, but I just... I thought you were...

you... if I had signed it and sent it back to you,

you would've yelled at me again.

No, no. Of course I wouldn't.

That's real. We are... I sent you a real check.

No, there wasn't any... any check in there.

- Yes, there was. - No.

Yes, it was paper-clipped to the agreement that I made out.

Uh, I didn't... I did not see a check.

T... a cashier's check to Joe Drake.

Was it an invisible check?

Another test?

- No. - Yeah.

It's a real check.

I mean, my balance is less $50,000,

so maybe you just don't see the difference

with your $100 million, you know?

- Hello. - Hi, delivery for Joe Drake.

Yeah, this is Joe. Hey, listen.

Don't buzz up here again. I'm gonna leave the door open.

I'll be right up.

Yes, don't buzz again, because then she'll hear

that my name is really Joe Drake and I'm not the lottery winner.

- One more time? - No, you didn't...

you didn't win the lottery. I just looked it up.

That was a whole crew of overweight office workers

that won the lottery.

Ah... Gotcha!

I googled you. I knew that this would be good.

But I did not know it'd be this... this great,

because I wasn't expecting the amount of pompousness

and arrogance and... and cougar-awesomeness

that you have given me.

I mean, this has been fantastic and to just bring that down,

it's... I mean, it's...

I would pay you money to let me do this again.

- Okay. - This is so fantastic.

Then pay me $50,000.

No, I'm gonna keep that. I'm gonna keep it.

This is great. And the... the thing is, Fiona...

and this is something I would like to offer you...

you trust people too much.

Oh, because the sociopath is normal,

but I'm the freak who needs to change.

- Yeah. - Oh, very good.

There are walls that are good. It's good to have some walls.

Yes, well, as it turns out, I don't trust people too much,

because I record all of my sessions...

Uh-huh.

So I have recorded your session as well,

and it will be used as evidence against you in a court of law.

I don't know how good that evidence is gonna be.

Oh, I think it'll be very good

because I had this set up by an I.T. guy.

- Yeah. Oh. - He's very good.

Yes.

I just can't remember where to find...

you... you need to go to file. Here.

Files. It's under files, right.

Okay, so file.

Yeah, and then you just go down to sessions.

I'm... I'm looking on mine as well.

What do you mean you're looking on yours as well?

Oh, I have... I have your... your computer

- mirrored on my desktop. - What?

It's mirrored. It's... don't worry.

It's an industry term. How are you doing this?

I didn't give you permission to do this.

You downloaded a hack in an email I sent you.

- What? - Yeah.

Which... with the... the salmon poem...

- Yeah, yeah. - That I didn't get...

I opened the attachment. I didn't see anything.

Nothing happened, yeah. Well, a lot happened on my end.

See how it goes from 17 and then it goes, like,

all the way to 32?

- Yes. - Yeah.

So that... that number right... that... that's not there anymore.

What did you do?

The fact is the tapes are not there, okay?

I mean, I had to sift through 17 hours of you fixing

your makeup to find these, but I have extricated that.

That's not legal, and you know what?

Even if it's not illegal, I'm going to take this

to the supreme court because I can, okay?

- Okay, okay. - That's highly illegal.

Look what I'm doing, just cleaning up

some of your desktop here.

No, no, don't, I need those.

Bouncing around, bouncing around.

- No, no, don't... - put in the trash,

- put in the trash. - I say stop.

No, oh, that is not a good bathing suit on you.

No, not into the tr... stop looking at it!

- Well... - I don't want you doing this.

No one has to look at it anymore... it's in the trash.

Fine, have fun. I'm gonna buy a new computer.

This won't bother me at all. Okay.

I'm just gonna change some of your settings here.

No, I don't want you changing anything.

There you go. I've cleaned it all.

This is actually much more... this is more conducive.

You know what, I don't care. I'll tell you who you are.

You're a loser. You're a nothing.

You're talent-free, and you had to resort

to a life of crime.

You're absolutely worthless.

Well, I'm worth 50k, so...

Well, thank God I took it out of Kip's account.

Oh, that's a nice wallpaper.

- Hello, Jeb. - Hi there.

It's good to see you. Missed your last appointment.

I haven't heard from you in a very long time.

I am sorry about that, I've been surprisingly busy,

and I have you to thank for that, by the way.

Oh.

That was a... that was an impressive evening

- that we shared. - Yes, wasn't it?

It was eye-opening, uh, for me...

- Sure. - on many levels.

That's funny you should say that because...

you know, I've... it was really thrilling.

I've never been with a man who wore a blindfold the whole time.

Well, there's the thing that was bizarre,

and you might not have seen it 'cause it might have been

- when I was behind you... - Uhhuh.

At a certain point, I did take that blindfold off...

Oh.

Because there was a moment

where I realized, like,

something different was happening.

Mm-hmm.

And I had

what I can really only describe as an epiphany,

with no real explanation.

Except that maybe firmer flesh is more appealing.

- Except... - Oh.

I realized... I did a little digging,

and I went to your website... I don't know why

I never decided to do this before, I don't even know why...

because there's... you have so much information...

like, a lot of people would say too much information...

- on your website. - Right.

But it's... it's all right there.

I clicked on the bio button, you know, "about me"...

Yes.

And realized

that someone is a lot closer to retirement than I thought.

64! You're 64 years old?

- I? No. - You... you...

you, first of all, look amazing for 64,

but I realized that was the thing.

This is why I'm attracted to you.

That age is, like, perfectly in the pocket.

I'm not 64. Okay, that's a typo.

It's... I'm not 64. I'm... it's supposed to say 46.

You see, my stupid assistant... his name is Jerome...

he transposed the numbers.

It's not 64. It should be 46.

It actually should be 44, but all right.

It's... it's supposed... not 64.

- I'm not 64. - Okay.

- Of course I'm not 64. - Look at it this way.

You look great, and I think...

- Thank you. - we can all... we...

both of us can remember you felt great.

- Yes, well... - And, uh...

It has to be our secret, of course, you know...

No, I understand. You're married. I mean, I know.

- He's not at home, is he? - No, no.

You know, we're mostly in Philadelphia.

Anyway, I have you to thank for all of this

because I thought about what you said,

I thought about using how I look into what I do...

- That's right. - So I've come up with...

- Why look for hurdles? - this amazing idea...

Yeah.

That I pitched to my girlfriend...

- Oh. - who said...

You're still with her after our night?

"This is important. You should do it."

She put me in touch with some of her friends...

- Uh-huh. - Some of the money people

that are involved in this... in this group.

- What? For what? - She was telling me about this.

- She was explaining this to me. - What's the idea?

"You can use this video conferencing thing

to do what you do" and...

and essentially charge more for it.

We have had so much seed money come in, it's been crazy.

Really?

We've raised $2.5 million so far.

What? Just for that... for phone sex?

So in five days... and... and people are banging down

the door to... to invest.

I'm... I'm calling it "Jeb Therapy,"

which I think is clever and... and original.

Oh, like what I do, except...

it's nothing like what you do,

but it's like that I do my... thing...

- Uh-huh. - And yet we can

see one another.

- Right, that's what I do. - But it's...

- it's been amazing. - Listen, your girlfriend

wouldn't have come up with this idea in the first place

'cause she's too old to even think about technology.

You got the idea from working

- with me and doing this. - That's what you think.

The funny thing about it is,

she's remarkably astute

- with technology. - Really?

And-yeah, hold on.

- Uh, I should, uh... - That's crazy.

I should... hey.

Yeah.

It's her on the phone.

Oh.

No, I'm on the phone with the doctor right now.

- Not her doctor. - Yeah.

Could be confused.

No, she, uh, she gets it.

Yeah, she really gets it, super supportive.

So, uh, I'm going to... you know what?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I want to show her, uh...

I want to show her something.

Just... just hold the line for two seconds, one second.

Um, I just want you to have

an idea of who we're talking about here.

Oh, I don't like seeing pictures of wizened,

old, wrinkly...

No, no, no, no. It's a good one.

It's actually a really sweet picture.

- It's, uh... - You know, Jeb,

I don't have time for... It's, uh-that's her.

- She can hear you, Hodge. - So what?

- Yeah. - Hello, mother.

- I can't hear anything. - Why would you call her mother?

I'm hanging up.

- That's weird. - Because I'm in a horror film.

We're the only people in America, so...

Then I look f... I look forward to seeing it.

Okay, okay.

What? I couldn't even think which prince he is.

Is it Harry who's married to Kate?

I don't even remember.

Into the trash, into the trash.

No, you can't take things into the trash.

- I need those. - You don't need these.

I'm just cleaning up the desktop a little bit here.

I don't... I decline it!

Cut.

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com