Original subtitles

Ben? Everyone gets opening night jitters!

- I'm good. - My review was going to be a pan.

This one... just didn't sing.

NYPD, motherfuckers!

The stalker, he didn't do it!

The killer is someone in this room.

We've got to get in on those interviews.

The spooky sound from opening night.

Someone was in here shredding something.

We need to reassemble these. There might be a clue.

We have the interrogations on tape.

We recorded everything.

You don't owe me any explanation.

Th-The book is a little odd.

These aren't photos of Ben. They're photos of Dickie.

When he was gone for those brief moments, I felt free.

And then he was back.

I couldn't take it anymore.

You spend your whole life looking out for your child,

and you'll do anything to make sure they're okay.

Wait! I did it. I killed Ben.

No, you can't do this! Leave her alone!

Oh, my God...

Oliver? What's going on? Oliver!

Call somebody! Get some help!

When I was 10,

my future looked so clear to me.

Married to Josh Hartnett

with two kids, driving a Honda Odyssey.

Not a bad life.

Got another one coming. Push.

Wait, what's going on? There's been a mistake.

I came here to see one of my friends. He had a heart attack.

Don't worry. You did great with the first two.

Just keep pushing. You're having triplets.

No, I'm... Triplets?

And now, baby three!

But here's the thing about childhood fantasies.

They almost never come true.

Congratulations.

It's a podcast.

- Wah! - Mama!

- Wah! Wah! - Mabel... Mabel.

- Mabel! Mabel! - Wah!

Mabel!

The doctor said I can finally go home.

- What? No, no, no, no, no. - Yeah.

The man had a full-on heart attack five days ago.

You rush him in here,

stick in a stent to prop up his creaky artery.

- Nobody said creaky. - Now, you're just gonna go

and send him off into the world?

Mabel, I need to get back.

My show opens in two days,

and my star is about to be charged with murder.

Doctor, maybe you should just run a few more tests to be sure?

His body responded very well to the stent.

Although I'm sure it was quite a scare for all of you.

I wasn't scared.

Oh, is that so?

You know, I was just pretending to be unconscious when I heard you wailing,

"I can't let him go!

Come back to me, you sweet son of a bitch!"

I was doing a performance for the nurses.

They're big fans of mine. What am I gonna do?

Not be Charles-Haden Savage?

Oh, admit it. You're obsessed with me.

Can't believe I actually missed this.

Come on, Putnam. We've got work to do.

- Yes, yes, yes. - Let's go.

For starters,

if Loretta made up her confession to protect her son,

don't we need to prove that her son

is Ben's real killer to get her out?

Loretta's been in jail a few days now.

I wonder if she's shaved her head and gotten all jacked.

I can't let her take the fall for this. She's the love of my life.

Love? I thought you were just hooking up.

Oh, we hooked up.

We hooked up big time.

We hooked up and down and every which direction.

- You name a way, we did a hook. - Okay, alright, thank you. Enough. Okay.

I promise we will get her home to you.

No matter how many face tattoos she has now.

Charles, did you learn anything

from those police interrogations we so skillfully recorded?

Actually, we haven't watched them yet.

We were sitting by your bedside this whole time.

Mabel wanted to wait so you could be a part of it.

Little softy.

- Aw! - No! I...

I didn't... It wasn't like I was like,

"Let's hold hands and watch it together." It was just like...

Shut up.

Okay, we're focusing on Dickie.

Loretta clearly thinks that he's guilty.

That's why she confessed to protect him.

Ben was poisoned,

and then later pushed down the elevator shaft.

But, we don't know whose hanky he was holding onto

when he died. I mean, it could be Dickie's.

We know that someone wrote "fucking pig" in lipstick on his mirror,

and we have footage of him in a heated moment

talking to an unseen person,

possibly a lover.

C-Can we just take a beat to appreciate how magical this is?

The three of us, reunited at last, investigating as one.

Mabel, you stayed faithful to the podcast.

You should take the lead.

Just... the besties are back.

Ooh! That should be our opening line!

You just said Mabel should take the lead.

Can't I make a suggestion?

I narrowly escaped death, and now you won't let me live?

Oh, wah, wah.

- Wah, wah! - Wah, wah!

Oh, this is fucking weird.

Okay, okay. The besties are back.

The besties are back.

It may take two to tango,

but it takes three to solve the murder

of an ill-fated movie star.

Welcome to a brand-new episode of

- Only Murders in the Building. - Perfection.

Let's just question Dickie without spilling that Loretta's his mother.

- It's not our place to tell him. - Right.

Oh!

This one's for you.

Why do you still have packages coming here?

Our geriatric doorman obviously forgot I'm back from the hospital.

Lester's six months younger than you.

"Get well soon and find me a new leading lady.

Smooches, Donna."

We are not gonna need a new leading lady.

Oh, my God.

Joy's wedding dress.

She had her mom send the one she was married in,

so Joy could have it altered for when she and I were...

- I'll take this. - Yeah.

Joy's mom is still alive?

Oh, yeah. Her dad, too. In fact,

he was gonna walk her down the aisle holding her childhood dog.

We ready to go? Uh, clock's ticking.

Okay.

So, Loretta, huh?

- I did not see that coming. - Yeah.

Yeah. Us neither.

Hey, you wanna hear something funny? For a minute,

we thought you did it.

You did? Wh-Why?

Ah, it's so dumb. We, um,

- we just know he stole CoBro from you. - Uh-huh.

Oh.

Shit. Really?

Okay. Yeah, I was resentful.

Yeah, and you told me you cover up things,

so I kinda figured you covered up his blood work

to hide the poison in his system.

I did do that.

I mean, I didn't know he was poisoned when I did it.

I just knew there was other stuff in there he wouldn't want getting out.

Wait, you believe me, right?

Oh, of course. Yes.

Out of curiosity,

where were you when Ben was pushed to his death?

Because you weren't pushing him, obviously.

E-Everyone knows that. But, uh, unless...

I left your party early.

I was freaked the fuck out that Ben came back to life

and I had to get outta there.

So, I...

I got wasted, put on Ben's CoBro suit,

and went looking for drugs and whores.

- Well, who wouldn't? - Wow.

Why should he have all the fun?

That's what Ben was into?

Every Thursday, he'd disappear for hours.

And when I asked about it, he'd say, "Snitches get stitches."

So, I tracked his phone to a place on Broadway

between 35th and 36th,

where he'd go to...

do sex with his "five whores,"

as he so affectionately called them.

He even saved opening night seats for them.

Uh, Trixie, Marigold, Emerald, Dot, and Mei Mei.

Here.

I was outside, screaming for them

to bring me the five whores.

I slept there all night.

A dog peed on me.

I hope it was a dog.

This is proof you weren't at the Arconia when Ben was pushed.

The cops got that image from a security camera

after I told them where I was,

but they didn't really buy it as an alibi,

since you can't fully see my face.

I guess I should just be grateful there isn't audio.

I just can't believe Loretta did it.

Well, for what it's worth, w-we don't think she really did do it.

But why else would she confess?

- No idea. - Oh, yeah, theater folk, cuckoo!

Wait a minute.

If you guys think the killer's still out there,

I should probably call my lawyer.

Hm.

Guys, if he's telling the truth,

he couldn't have pushed Ben.

That means that Loretta gave herself up for someone who didn't even do it.

If we can find the real killer in time,

maybe we can convince Loretta to take back her confession.

Charles, her arraignment is at 5:00 p.m.

We need to figure out what Ben was doing and who he was seeing

in the last few days leading up to his death.

I say we start at Broadway and 35th.

Except we can't just walk into a brothel without a reservation.

I know what we need.

Nobody stops a guy with a ladder!

- It gets you in anywhere. - So the ladder's the new turkey.

It might work better if the guy carrying the ladder

wasn't also wearing orthopedic shoes

- and dressed like a leprechaun. - Hm.

Hey, hey, this is it.

Snitches Get Stitches?

- It's a fabric shop. - No, no, no, no, no. It's a front.

Brothels always use puns to name their fake businesses.

I learned that by wandering in the back of a cabinet shop

called All By My Shelf.

Follow my lead! Let the ladder do the work.

Wait a second! I have a better way in.

No one says no to a crying man.

I did a scene in Brazzos, episode 315.

The Foreign Exchange Killer. It was a good one.

And I cried a single solitary tear.

And that week, our fan mail went sky high.

Mostly from men. You wanna know why?

You helped them access their inner feelings.

Yes.

But just gimme a go. Gimme the stage.

No, no, no, no.

- Me first. - Stop it!

Just here to change a light bulb!

No, you can't go back there.

Of course not, dude.

We all know what's going on in the back room.

Wink, wink.

But did you see my ladder?

I'm sorry. Is my crying upsetting you?

You're not crying.

Give it a minute.

This guy's made of stone.

Do you have any menthol for under the eyes?

Yeah, I have a bucket of menthol.

Do you need a restroom? We have one in the back.

- Oh! Thank you so much. Get in there. - Thanks.

Ooh!

You're the five whores?

Please ignore him!

I'm sorry. We were just looking for a group of women

who might have known Ben Glenroy,

- but we'll just get out of the way. - Sorry.

Benny!

Oh, yes! We knew him!

Our sewing circle met here every Thursday.

Benny said sewing kept him off

all those dangerous street drugs.

We miss him terribly.

When was the last time you saw him?

Oh, um,

his big opening night of Death Rattle.

We'd stayed up all night helping him sew

these lovely hankies for his cast and crew

while running lines.

"Everyone else in that lighthouse is dead, Nanny.

So the killer is either you, me, or the baby."

"I wouldn't bet on that baby, detective."

He wanted to make something special for them.

Something personal.

He said he treated a lot of them

like a steaming pile of cow manure.

We finished those hankies just in time,

and off Benny went to the theater.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm gonna see you all at the theater, ladies.

- We're rooting for you. Bye. - Love you.

But then...

Mei Mei, my phone.

Uh, hey!

It's, uh, it's me. It's Benny.

Um...

A-Are you guys coming to the show?

I really need you t-to be here.

Uh, I've just never felt... so alone.

Ben?

Everyone gets opening night jitters! I can talk you through it.

That's me just before curtain.

I-I gotta go. Please get here soon.

I'm surrounded by people I can't trust. They're all out to get me.

It's so hard to hear him like that.

He was so excited for us to see the show.

- Alright. Okay. Okay. - Thank you.

- Sorry. - Thank you. Sorry. Thank you so much.

Oh, this...

It's a gift for you. It's a-a ladder.

Oh, thank you!

Sorry for calling you whores.

Oh, that's alright.

I used to be one.

Okay. That's... interesting. Bye.

So what happened from the time Ben arrived at the theater,

on top of the world, to leaving a distressed voicemail

30 minutes later? I mean,

who did he think was out to get him?

I already know how we can find out. The interrogations.

Williams questioned everyone who crossed paths with Ben that night,

and we can use those interrogations

to make a timeline of that 30 minutes!

Ah! I knew you were due for a good idea since your last one six months ago.

- Huh? - When you proposed

we go halfsies on a New Yorker digital subscription.

- That was your idea. - Oh, good.

You owe me $32, and I'm keeping the free tote.

Shh, guys.

KT's up first.

All actors must be at the theater for what we call "half hour."

Boots on the ground 30 minutes before curtain.

Not 28, not 29, 30.

Ben, of course, was late.

Check it! I have gifts for everyone.

Where the fuck have you been? Get into costume!

Go!

KT sure knows how to kill a mood.

Someone should really talk to her about her tone.

- Oh, the producer's son is up next. - Oh, Cliff.

I saw Ben right after KT yelled at him.

Not a fan of her tone.

Schmackary's? They're so good.

Mom ordered them special.

Check out the rattles. Can you even?

You know what, get those away from me. I'm fasting till after the show.

Wait! No.

Let me just smell 'em.

Oh, g...

I said get them away from me!

Hey, listen. I need you to check on my five guests for tonight.

Emerald, Trixie, Marigold, Dot, and Mei Mei.

The five whores.

Sorry. I... That's how I learned them in my brain.

Charles, can you scooch a little?

- Sure. - Thanks.

So that's new. Ben was fasting before the show.

Let's keep going.

I'll admit, I was furious with Ben.

I mean, who shows up late to his opening night?

It was always something with him, which is why...

Loretta was encouraging me to leave him.

I just...

I just think you deserve so much better, you know?

Look at your arm. Aw...

These are stress hives.

I call 'em "Benny bites."

What about that cortisone cream I gave you?

- Did you use that? - I did.

How did we not get that she's his mother?

I feel she's about to give him a bottle.

Doesn't Loretta look pretty?

And did you make that list of bullet points

to say when you quit?

That always helps me, I tell you.

Sure. Yeah.

Uh-oh, incoming.

- Hey! - You losers passing notes?

Okay, I'm gonna go warm up.

See you at fight call.

Give it!

Wait, what is this?

Are you quitting?

I was gonna wait till after the show.

Sh-She put you up to this.

'Cause you know fucking Loretta, she's been...

she's been driving a wedge between us from day one.

It's not Loretta! It's you!

I've spent my entire life catering to the great Ben Glenroy!

Who we all know isn't exactly a delight to be around!

See bullet point four!

Ju...

You know what? Fine. Alright, fine. Go.

Fuck if I care!

You're a lousy manager anyway.

And you know what? And you're an even lousier brother.

I know you think you created it,

but I am CoBro!

Actually, no. You know what?

The way you just betrayed me?

I'm NoBro.

Because I don't have a brother anymore.

Loretta was encouraging Dickie to leave Ben?

- Messy, messy. - Who's next?

After Ben arrived, I went to KT's office to get the ritual broom.

The door was locked,

which I thought was odd.

That's odd.

I'll do a progress check on the shredder.

And so, it was the brilliant Howard Francis Morris

who cracked the case

by... Oh, fuckity fuck!

Howard says he needs more time.

If I'm not mistaken,

next up is Ben and Loretta's fight call rehearsal.

Oh, she told me about this on our date.

Well, Ben accused me of trying to steal Dickie from him.

And this was just moments

after he learned his brother was quitting.

- You're late. - Whatever. Let's just do this.

That's enough, Detective.

I'm not gonna let you take that baby.

You are just a nanny.

You can't keep him. You're not the mother.

He needs me to be his mother now.

It's my job to protect him as if he were born of my own flesh!

Wow, this dialogue really lines up.

What are you...

Stay out of our lives!

- What? - I mean it!

Stay the fuck away from my brother.

He's been nothing but loyal to you!

All you do is treat him like shit!

You weaseled your way into this production.

- No! Let me go, you fucking pig. - Hey, look.

There's me.

God, I'm pale.

What the hell's going on?

Is that what I sound like?

He attacked me!

What? No, I didn't. We were rehearsing.

- Stay out of it, fuck bag. - Hey!

That's...

My face!

I still can't believe you hit him.

Well, why don't you add "for good reason" to the board?

Or "Charles punches Ben and he had it coming"?

Anyway, this is where Joy comes in to touch up the bruise,

- which wasn't that bad anyway. - Yeah, easy, Cassius.

Joy leaves her lipstick behind in Ben's dressing room, and...

who's the next person to see him?

I did see Ben, yes.

It was right after I gave Cliff a little pep talk.

My tummy is in knots.

Oh, it's almost showtime.

I've put everything into this play. I need it to be a hit.

Oh, it will be. I won't let you fail, sweetie.

Here's a kiss from Mommy.

Hey!

Wh-Where are my guests? I don't see them in their seats.

Yeah, I think traffic's pretty bad.

Something's happening at the UN. I don't know what.

You know, I'm boycotting global politics until everyone just gets along.

Fuck.

I'm going to be straight with you, Ben.

It's opening night, and you look like shit.

Can you see a mark?

- What? - It's f-fucking Charles and Loretta.

I-I'm done with them both!

I don't know what's going on with you, darling,

but this is not a good energy.

Go to your dressing room.

Be nice to Ben.

Do whatever it takes to get your ass ready to go on that stage.

Alright.

Oh, hey, you're here!

Yeah, where the shit else would I be?

Right. Well, how about we start shooting some behind-the-scenes stuff, huh?

Look, dude, you... I-I'm not an animal in your zoo.

What?

I'm doing the thing you're paying me to do.

- You know what? Not anymore. - Wait!

Gimme that! Why don't you fuck the fuck off?

You know what? Fucking happy to!

So, Ben takes Tobert's camera

into his dressing room where he's caught talking to somebody.

Watch.

I want you so fucking bad.

But you're gonna ruin my career.

And I'm gonna like it.

Who the hell is he talking to?

Everyone's accounted for.

This, my friends, is what we call a dead end.

I told Ben, "I know what you did."

But I didn't have the whole picture.

H-His brother was leaving him.

I punched him.

He was fasting.

His elderly sewing ladies got stuck in UN traffic

and didn't even see the show.

And all this goes on

30 minutes before his Broadway debut

after being up all night making hankies for everybody?

Oh, my God.

It was Ben who needed a hanky to cry into.

Oh jeez!

Oh!

The damn has burst!

Nah, there's a little bit.

- There's a little something. - Eh, not much.

Thank God that's over.

Ben must have been poisoned in that pocket of time

by whoever he was talking to.

- If we could just figure out... - Give it up.

We don't know what we don't know.

Sorry, Oliver. I don't think we're gonna solve this

in time to free Loretta.

I suppose it's fine.

I guess I'll just die sad and alone.

Wanna know how I was able to access those tears just now?

I thought about Joy.

Seeing her wedding dress was like a punch in the gut.

I hear she's with Bakula now.

Scott or Jeff?

Scott. Who's Jeff Bakula?

Meh, I have both of you beat

in the "we're losers" competition.

I still don't have my life figured out,

I haven't solved this case, and I have no place to live.

Still lost.

You don't have to have it all worked out. You've got time.

Yeah, well, tell that to 10-year-old Mabel.

This is a MASH from when I was a kid.

You know, the game that tells you your future?

Anyway, mine predicted

that I would be married to Josh Hartnett,

with two kids,

driving a Honda Odyssey.

I was so sure this MASH was right.

I made my mom promise to send it to me when I turned 30.

Came in the mail today, so perfect timing.

Wait.

Are you saying today's your 30th birthday?

And you spent it running around looking for clues with the two of us?

Honestly, there's no way I'd rather spend it.

What do you think 10-year-old Mabel would say

if she could see how your life actually turned out?

Oh, she'd be horrified.

But what the fuck did she know? She shopped at Wet Seal.

I did it!

I solved the shredder paper!

But I've been taping too long.

My vision's gone blurry. I can't read it.

- No, no, o-over here. Yes, okay. - Oh, you're over here.

OM God! I know what this is.

- That fast? - No, I just need to read two words.

Two words I'll never forget.

"Didn't sing."

This is Maxine's review of my original show,

but it was never published.

How did someone get ahold of this? - Two words.

I need to get LASIK, and he only needed two words.

- What is that? - Torn paper?

I need to tape it together.

Look what you've turned me into!

Ow.

This review says Ben was the weak link of the show.

She said, "He was as wooden as the lighthouse he's standing on."

What if someone read this that night?

Maybe they decided to get rid of Ben to save the play.

There are a lot of careers riding on it being a hit.

Not mine, of course. I came to it as an established TV veteran.

- Yes, and thank you for your service. - Guys?

This could be our motive.

Now we're getting somewhere!

I-I need to refuel.

Charles, please tell me you have some dips...

I think there's some Norwegian red herring in the fridge.

Hey, did that review mention my performance?

Huh? Oh, uh, no. Nothing.

Really? 'Cause I kinda had a big, big role...

Charles, don't.

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

Happy birthday to you!

♪ Happy birthday, dear Mabel ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

- You're flat, horrible. - I know.

Thank you, guys.

Come on. Make a wish.

Ah, yes. CHARLES: Hey, come on. Sit down.

There you go.

- Happy birthday. - Thank you.

They tried to keep us apart,

make me stick to my heart-healthy diet,

but you found your way back to me.

Oliver, keep going.

Yeah... Why?

I know you feel it, too.

You want me... No, you need me to tear into you,

you naughty little mistress.

I know who Ben was talking to.

- Wait! - Gimme that!

Why don't you fuck the fuck off?

You know what? Fucking happy to!

You're not supposed to be here.

We both know you're bad.

God, I want you.

I want you so fucking bad.

But we both know you'll ruin my career

and I'm gonna like it.

Mm!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

What the fuck did you just do?

You ate the whole thing.

You're disgusting.

Loretta was right.

You're a fucking pig.

You're a fucking pig!

You're a fucking pig. You... are...

a fucking... pig!

Pig!

Pig! You're a fucking pig!

Fucking pig!

This is Trixie. Please leave me a message.

Uh, hey!

It's, uh, it's me. It's Benny.

Um...

A-Are you guys coming to the show?

I really need you t-to be here.

Uh...

I've just never felt so alone.

OLIVER Ben!

Everyone gets opening night jitters! I can talk you through it.

I-I gotta go. Please get here soon.

I'm surrounded by people I can't trust. They're all out to get me.

Uh...

I'm good.

I'm good.

This whole time, it wasn't who Ben was talking to.

It was what.

You think if those last 30 minutes hadn't been so brutal,

maybe Ben wouldn't have needed to eat that cookie.

Maybe he'd still be alive.

That cookie!

It was from Donna.

Mabel, what did that review say about Ben's performance?

It said he was as wooden as the lighthouse.

Donna said that exact thing at sitzprobe.

She'd read the review.

A-And you know, she was always bragging about her connection to the paper.

I bet she sweet-talked someone into slipping her a copy.

She'd sabotage her own play?

It wasn't hers.

It was her son's.

His first production.

And if it had been panned,

it could have also been his last.

So, let's say Donna gets her hands on the review

which says Ben is the weak link of the show.

That's odd.

She spots the rat poison.

Then, the cookie.

And she gets the idea to poison Ben.

She leaves him the cookie, knowing it's his weakness,

and that he's in a bad spot emotionally.

The perfect temptation.

All she has to do now is make sure he eats the cookie.

Go to your dressing room. Be nice to Ben.

Do whatever it takes to get your ass ready to go on that stage.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, you're here!

Yeah, where the shit else would I be?

Right. Well, how about we start shooting

some behind-the-scenes stuff, huh?

Look, dude, you... I-I'm not an animal in your zoo.

So, we have our motive, the review.

We have the murder weapon, a cookie.

And when the cookie doesn't work,

she pushes him down the elevator shaft.

She was in and out of that party all night.

She could have easily made a murderous pit stop.

So

We have our killer, Donna.

Which means we can get Loretta out!

I-I don't know.

Her arraignment's in 20 minutes,

and the courthouse is way downtown.

And I'm all out of ladders.

And I can't cry twice in one day.

Unless I think of my dad. Or my mom.

Or any moment from my childhood.

Mabel, what is it?

Nobody stops a bride.

I still don't get why you guys wore tuxes.

Oh, I never miss a chance to put on my tux.

Last time I wore this was 1987 Emmys.

Wait, wait! That means... Hey!

- Bebe Neuwirth's phone number! - Ah!

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! MABEL: Oh no!

A bride needs a cab, please.

- Bride. Bride needs a cab. - Oh, thank you.

- You, out. You, in. - Thank you, ma'am!

That's very good.

Wanna know what I wished for

over that birthday candle stuck in a tub of dip?

You're looking at it.

Thank you...

Me with my two besties doing murder stuff.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Not a bad life.

Wait. Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Y'all got an appointment?

It's my wedding, ma'am.

And you guys are, what, her two dads?

That's right. We're the fathers of the bride.

- Oh, that's fun. - So you got a groom in there?

Why does there always have to be a groom?

- Many happy returns. - Thank you.

There she is.

Loretta, wait!

Oliver, what are you doing here?

I came to stop you. Don't plead guilty.

Wow. You look... great in orange.

Oh! I do?

Thanks.

You look really nice, too.

- I do? - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, this old thing. - I...

We know who murdered Ben.

You only confessed to save Dickie,

but he didn't do it. And we can prove that.

- You have to trust me. - I do.

I trust you. I just...

I've gone down this road so far already.

Who do you think did it?

Um, Oliver?

Fuckity fuck.