Original subtitles

(silence)

[Woman] What have you done?

Aah!

♪♪ [dance beat]

[whooping]

♪ We are the knights of the altar ♪

♪ Sent to protect the defenseless ♪

♪ And fight for the welfare of all ♪

♪ But where is the welfare of our hearts? ♪

♪ You left me alone, I grew old ♪

♪ Now I'm left ringin' bells ♪

♪ On the bodies of Christ alone ♪

♪ We ran amuck in the altar

♪ We laid down in the rectory ♪

♪ We sinned, and we gave penance ♪

♪ on our knees in the confessional ♪

♪ On our knees

♪ Give me salvation

♪ Give me absolution

♪ Give me the sacrament of your loving ♪

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Hail Mary, full of grace

♪ The Lord is with thee

♪ Blessed art thou among women ♪

♪ And blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus ♪

Your hair is just amazing.

Thank you.

[chatter]

Get a room you two.

Oh my gosh. Jealous.

First of all, it's not a room.

It's a penthouse apartment.

Then why don't you save it for when you get there?

It's not our fault you're the only one

without a boyfriend in ECB,

O fearless leader.

Go greet our fans.

You'll have a boyfriend soon enough.

Only he might need a cane or a wheelchair.

That's all right. Joel likes the older types.

Guess you could say they grew on him.

Or clamped.

Hope you had your fun, girls.

Now don't stay up too late tonight.

We have practice early tomorrow.

Early? It's at noon.

That's early.

Not if you're up all night.

Slut.

Hi.

That was a hot performance.

Thanks.

Interested in an encore?

Absolutely.

Ahh! Ahh!

You said you'd warn me.

Sorry.

Your turn.

Not in my performance contract.

Are you kidding me?

Bye now.

You're such a prick.

Yeah, and you liked that prick, didn't you?

Hold onto that memory.

It's the best you're ever gonna have.

Ta-ta.

[young man screams] [thump]

Wasn't born yesterday.

Klutz.

[female voice] You tempter.

I already told you--

expectation of reciprocation leads to devastation.

If a man also lie with mankind,

as he lieth with a woman,

both of them have committed an abomination.

Stop it!

They shall surely be put to death.

Their blood shall be upon them.

You don't see that every day.

This is nothing. You should see his buddy over here.

You ready for this one?

You bet, Em.

You gonna give a medal to the killer when you find him?

Oh, you ain't kidding.

Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick!

Why the hell did it have to be a choir boy?

That's a black eye for sure.

[phone beeps]

- What? - Mayor Dun on line 13.

Tell him I'm at the dentist.

[Woman on TV] I do mean it.

Of course you do. And I love you too.

I do mean that I don't love you anymore.

Yes, you do.

- Do not. - Do do.

- My God, he loves you. - I want you to leave.

- You do not. - Hey, Chief?

- I do. - Oh, come on!

He's right there on the 3 yard line!

Whatta you want?

Uh, you told me to let you know when Mark Rima's here?

Well, go have him come in!

Okay.

You do love me.

I do not love you anymore.

I just want you to--

If lust is all that I can get,

I suppose I'll take it.

I just want you to leave.

Didn't he leave

with some random guy last night?

What?

Hey, Chief needs you in the office.

All right.

[chatter]

Was she wearing a habit?

- Yeah, yeah. - She was?

I'll go for now, Ellen.

- But you'll come back to me. - Don't do it, Ellen.

- I know you will. - I will?

I knew it.

Touchdown.

- I want off the case. - No can do.

Chief, I got a full case load.

What about the midget double murders?

Well, actually, uh, doesn't a midget double murder

only count as like one full-size murder?

Chief.

Just kidding.

I already gave it to Detective Pint.

The CO2 case?

I gave that to Detective Flatus.

I am off of this case.

Why you being such a little bitch about this?

Something about this case bothering you?

As a matter of fact, yes.

I don't want to be in the company of those people.

Those peop--

Oh.

Oh, you mean queers.

Oh, you're really not gonna like your new partner, then.

My new--

[Man] Hey! Detective Riant.

[Man ♪2] Ramm.

Ooh, so early in the morning?

No. Sergeant Ramm.

Oh, okay.

And who are you?

Joel Davidson.

Joel Davidson. Oh, oh, and who are you?

I'm James Billet.

- Ohh! - Hi.

Fill it, Billet. [laughing]

- Careful now. - And you?

What's your name?

Matt.

Oh, hey. Matt.

Ohh, that one's feisty.

Bringing them in overseas, hmm? I like that.

Very funny, Chief. You missed April Fools Day

by a couple of months.

It's funny, but it's no April Fools joke.

That's your new partner.

That's Detective Chris Riant.

No.

Yes. He's on loan from LAPD.

We felt it would be nice

to have one of "those people" on the case, y'know?

Makes us look sympathetic and all that.

Be a real feather in our hat.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Hello!

Chief Bathos?

Please, just call me Homer.

Homo? Oh! Just joking.

Self-projecting again.

My therapist says I shouldn't do that.

Who's the guy with the rod up his ass?

The guy with the rod up his ass

is your new partner, Detective Mark Rima.

Sorry. There must be some sort of mistake.

I was told my partner was going to be Detective Rimmed.

It's okay to laugh.

Your portrait artist won't lose his spot, partner.

Stop calling me that.

What? Partner?

But that's what we are-- partners.

Well, as chief,

I hereby pronounce you two partners.

Now get out of my office and go find this killer

and solve the case for me.

I have some important work to do.

But I just sat down. Oh, okay.

Does he know about us?

Not yet.

So what's first on the agenda, partner?

Interviewing the victim's band mates.

Uh... you know, I'll take that one.

Oh, I bet you will.

- And I'll take-- - Tell me exactly--

...that one and that one.

That's enough, Detective Riant.

Not in this lifetime.

I'm Detective Mark Rima.

Joel Davidson.

Come with me.

[giggling]

Shut it, Riant.

Nothing unusual about the crowd that night.

Maybe according to your standards.

Well, except in the crowd and after the show,

I saw a nun.

She was watching Ron and his friend

- as they went into the alley. - A friend?

A friend is someone you have over to a barbecue,

share a beer with, tell a dirty joke to.

A friend isn't someone you go into an alley

and-- ahem-- with a friend.

Some of us do.

Do you have a problem with me, Detective Rima?

I just might.

So what about the nun?

Oh I'll find your nun.

She may have witnessed something.

- She also might have-- - Don't be sacrilegious.

How could you even think that?

But then again, your mind is probably capable

of all kinds of depravity. Your kind of mind.

Do you have a girlfriend, Mark?

That's Detective Rima to you.

And get on with your story.

That's all that there really is to it.

After I saw the nun,

I got in my car and drove home.

Ron was always doing stuff like that.

I was always worried about him getting the disease,

but nothing could stop Ron

from getting as much tail as he could.

You'd think after a while he'd get sick of it,

but the only thing he got sick of

was being with the same guy twice.

Why'd you kill him? Were you jealous?

Were you stalking him?

Did you put a spycam in his toilet?

Did you watch him take a shit, you sick fuck?

Whoa, whoa. What the hell is going on here, Mark?

He did it. He killed his jilted lover.

He was watching him do number 2 and spanking it.

- He confessed to this? - No, and no.

Well, not exactly.

Mark.

Settle down, okay?

Listen, we all make mistakes.

Just next time, make sure you get your facts straight

before you go putting some perp's face through the wall!

Yeah. Sorry about that, Chief.

It's okay.

What did you find out from him?

Well, he did mention something about a nun,

- about seeing a nun. - Really?

- Yeah. - Maybe we oughta find her.

- Don't I know it. - She might've seen something.

- Uh-huh. - I'd like to make a complaint.

- Don't. - Hold your horses.

- Sergeant Ramm! - Yeah, Chief?

Got a complainer here.

You really don't want to do this.

Oh, yes, I do.

Let's go.

Ramm, take it easy on him.

Hey, I mean it.

Hey, come on, let's go see

if your partner got anything out of his perp.

What's with the partner crap?

Cut it. Co-worker, please.

What's wrong with partner? He's your partner.

You didn't have any problems

calling your last partner "partner."

Of course, he wasn't your lifetime partner.

Enough.

You know, you can make it legal in Iowa.

Whoa!

Jesus Marie!

Oh. Ahem.

Sorry. Bit of a tangent.

Well, more than a bit.

- Behave. - And if I don't?

Enough. Enough.

Homer, I want you to boot him right back to L.A.

This kind of unprofessional behavior

just cannot be tolerated.

Unprofessional behavior?

Need I remind you of the scene I just walked in on

with you and your witness?

Oh, What scene was that?

Never mind.

All right, uh,

you finish your, uh, interview here,

and whenever you're done,

I'm gonna have you and Mark head on over to the church

and interview some clergy.

Some spiritual counseling?

Suspects.

Carry on.

Crazy kids.

I don't know how you can be so flippant about it.

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

Yoo-hoo! Hottie Patottie! Yeah, Daddy.

Jesus, can you stop being obnoxious for one second?

No.

Where are we going to now, partner?

We're going over to that church over by that, ahem, bar.

Ohh, the "ahem" bar.

Well, I've heard of all kinds of bars.

I've heard of gay bars and bi bars and dyke bars

and tranny bars and leather bars and tether bars,

but I've never heard of a "ahem" bar.

Is that your kind of bar?

Weird place for a church, though.

Actually, the bar picked that location

because of the church.

Behind the church is an alley.

It's called Snow Alley, and it's called that

not because of the coke deals

but let's just say if you were barefoot

and had cuts on your feet,

you wouldn't want to run through there

unless you wanted to catch the, ahem, virus.

Oh, You certainly have a lot of phlegm in your throat.

Might want to try a certain protein coating.

It might do you good.

Homosexuality is an abomination!

- Woe to the whores of Babylon. - See? look at that guy.

- He's got the right idea. - [Woman] You hypocrite.

- Oh, really? - Go fuck yourself!

Repent.

Repent!

- I bet you 20 bucks he's-- - You're on.

...shall not inherit the earth.

Repent, sinner!

It ain't over yet.

Those shall not lie with mankind as with womankind.

They shall be put to death!

The blood shall be upon them!

No way.

Pay the piper.

No, he's probably just going back there

to preach at him, that's all.

[scoff] Preach.

Jesus. Twice in one day.

That's mighty unusual pulpit he's preaching from.

Maybe he's taking communion. You know, putting some--

Not listening, not listening.

If I could have everyone's attention, please.

I'm sure each and every one of us is deeply saddened

by the loss of that exceptional young man.

And although he embraced a life of sin

and is likely roasting in hell as we speak,

nonetheless had many years in front of him--

And many priests behind him.

...and there was always a chance

he might have returned to a path of righteousness.

Ahem.

He does that a lot. Phlegm.

Father O'Bleary, can we just get on with it?

Yes, sorry. Anyway,

these two officers to my right,

Detectives Rima and Riant,

are here to enquire about the death of that poor young man.

I have promised our full cooperation

and fervently hope that we can assist

in the apprehension of this vile perpetrator,

this murderer.

Okay, we've got a lot to accomplish here

and little time to do it in.

So let's just get right down to it.

If what I'm about to say

is going to disturb your delicate sensibilities,

well, tough shit.

What I need

is I need the gay priests on the right

and the straight ones on the left.

Well, chop-chop people. I don't have all day.

[laughing]

Okay, okay.

This is a Catholic church, right?

[chuckle]

Well, I have 20/20 gaydar.

Let's try this again.

[beeping]

Bisexuality doesn't count here.

You're gonna have to pick a side.

Eunuch.

Sorry. You're excused.

That's what I thought.

Much better.

[beeping]

[rapid beeping]

Not funny.

Not joking.

Can you behave yourself this time?

Can you?

Jealous.

So, on May 31st,

you were nowhere near Anointed.

You say you were at home, huh?

Yes, I was.

Mm-hmm. Is anybody there...

So did you know the deceased at all?

Yes, I did.

How... closely did you know the deceased?

He was-- He was a friend.

Oh, a friend.

- So we're right here-- - What sort of friend?

...a hundred feet away from Anointed,

and you've never been there.

I've never been there.

You have never been to Anointed.

I've never heard of it before.

You've never heard of it at all?

I've never heard of it ever.

Where were you May 31st?

I was in Hammond, Indiana.

Hammond Indiana?

How close were you to the deceased?

I didn't know him that well.

- Oh. - We weren't really close.

You weren't that close.

Were you anywhere near Anointed?

I think you were. I think you were there.

No, no. You've got the wrong person.

I don't think I've got the wrong person.

So did you know the deceased at all?

A little bit.

This is a mighty big cross you have there, sir.

Thank you?

How well did you know the deceased?

Have you ever been to Anointed?

Oh no.

How about the priests under you?

Have they been to Anointed?

Oh, no, no, no.

How would you know?

Do you watch them 24/7?

Where were you May 31st?

Just because the Lord tests me and my brothers

with certain leanings

doesn't mean we stray from the path of the Lord.

I was here that night.

I was working late on my sermon for the next day.

I was thinking to myself, How do I reach my flock?

How do I touch the souls of me children-- His children?

I was thinking also

that the church needs some new silverware,

new leather upholstery for the pews,

and the stained glass needed some buffing.

You monster! Give me one good reason

I shouldn't blow your brains out right now

and save the taxpayers some money.

I don't know what you're talking about!

I'm talking about you're under arrest

for the double murder of Ron Lancing

and the other dude, whatever the fuck his name was.

I didn't do anything.

Get up, you scumbag.

This is outrageous!

Have you seen Detective Riant?

[mouth full] Hold on a second.

Let me just spit this out.

Get Bathos on the line. I've got our killer.

He killed whats-his-name.

What was that other guy's name?

Some back alley slut.

Not saying I disapprove or anything.

Father O'Bleary here killed the man-ho,

and then he cornered Ron Lancing.

This is outrageous.

None of this is true.

You shut your pie hole.

Can we hurry this up a little bit, please?

He cornered Lancing, tied him up, whipped him,

made him dance with him,

put peanut butter on his body, and--

- Did he stone him to death? - Yes.

- Well, do you admit this? - Absolutely not.

You have evidence this time, don't you?

- I will. - Good enough for me.

All right, book him.

I demand to see my lawyer.

Uh, Sergeant Ramm?

I wouldn't have done that if I were you.

We have a request for an attorney here.

- Take care of that. - You got it.

[muttering]

I was such a fool.

Come on, Ellen, come on.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yeah, hi. Daily Smear?

This is Chief Bathos.

Will you give me Urich, please?

Yeah, I have something for him.

Or yes that you forgive me?

- Ellen, don't-- - Yes.

Come on, Ellen. No, don't--

Oh, Urich? Yeah, hey, hey.

Say, listen, we've--

Don't believe a word of what he's saying.

He's lied to you before.

No, no, no, not you, Urich.

Um, yes. We have ID'd the killer. Absolutely.

Yes, it's Father O'Bleary of St. Gemini Church

over on Binary.

And he--

Don't listen.

Don't listen to--

Ellen, how many times--

Oh. No, no, I'm sorry.

Okay, Urich, just put that in tonight's paper, okay?

Yeah, thank you. Bye.

Ellen, no, you stupid--

[beep] Yeah, Chief?

Say, will you call the Mayor's office?

Let him know we caught the killer.

And I'm gonna be tied up in, uh, meetings

for a couple hours, at least.

And I'm so very grateful that we all are so happy.

Ellen, come on.

[sniffle] Ellen, no.

How many times you gotta go through this?

[Man] Hello?

Yeah, it's, uh, Detective Rima.

What do you want?

Yeah, well, I wanted to apologize for earlier.

Yeah. You should apologize.

Does that mean you accept my apologies?

I never said that.

But I might be persuaded over time.

We caught your buddies' killer.

Who was it?

Father O'Bleary over at St. Gemini.

I am not surprised.

They're all a bunch of perverts down there.

Do you have hard evidence,

or is this another one of your hunches?

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Thanks.

And thank you for the update.

I appreciate it.

Talk to you later?

I uh, have another show tomorrow if you're--

Goodbye.

Oh, he's saying goodbye,

but he's screaming inside "screw me."

I don't appreciate your comments or you.

Oh, Detective Rima doesn't approve of me.

Someone call my therapist.

Well, now that the case is over,

I guess you'll be going back to L.A.

Oh, I don't know. I kind of like it here.

L.A. is so...

used.

Here it's so closeted.

So much virgin territory to conquer.

I don't care. Stay. Go.

You won't be my partner anymore. I'll see to that.

I will see to that.

I don't know, man. I don't think I'm up to it.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say.

Well, we could just cancel.

No one could blame us.

Quesnell, what do you think?

We are going to make a ton of cash.

- Seriously? - Oh, come on.

How can you say that?

Quesnell, you're such a bitch.

You all are thinking the same thing.

Death sells.

I say we do it.

I say we go out there

and give it our best show and dedicate it to Ron.

[gasp]

Mistake.

Abomination.

You're the stone in my shoe,

the thorn in my foot.

Put your hand out.

Put it out!

Better to lose a hand than go to hell whole.

You vile thing.

Aah!

♪ And I, I

♪ Will be blessed

♪ He will be blessed

♪ And I, I

♪ Will be blessed

♪ We will be blessed

♪ Blessed are the poor

♪ Who will see the kingdom of heaven ♪

♪ And scream God's name

♪ Blessed are the mourners

♪ That make Luke laugh

♪ 'Cause they never came

♪ Blessed are the hungry

♪ So that they will be filled ♪

♪ With his lovin'

♪ So I, I

♪ Will be blessed

♪ We will be blessed

♪ So I, I...

♪ Moses was the man

♪ Who spread them wide and deep ♪

♪ There was room

♪ Plenty of room

♪ David was the man

♪ Who went and took the big guy down on knees ♪

♪ Down on his knees

♪ Men of honor

♪ Men of strength

♪ Men of duty

♪ Men of length

♪ Give their bodies to thine other ♪

♪ For the kingdom and the power ♪

♪ But the glory was theirs

♪ Samson's hair was so spectacular ♪

♪ Who could even judge?

♪ Who could judge?

♪ Jonah was swallowed, repented ♪

♪ He went back for...

What the fuck was that all about Joel?

Yeah, you just left us hanging there.

You're such a bitch.

I thought I saw her, Quesnell.

I thought I saw the nun in the audience.

What does that matter?

The killer's been caught.

Father O'Bleary.

Who cares what the nun saw?

I just-- I still want to know.

You've got to-- No.

Oh my God.

You gonna be all right, Dave?

Yeah.

Eventually.

I just...

never got to tell him how I felt.

You want a lift home?

Nah. I'll be all right.

I don't feel comfortable leaving you here all alone.

Go home.

The killer's been caught.

I'll be fine.

Okay.

See you tomorrow?

Yeah. See ya.

Holy shit!

And behold I, even I,

do bring a flood of waters upon the earth

to destroy all flesh

wherein is the breathe of life.

[chatter]

Downtown is reeling from another murder in Snow Alley.

The body of a second member of the Ex-Choir Boys

was found stoned and drowned early this morning.

ECB leader Joel Davidson has publicly stated

that he saw a mysterious nun

lurking around both murder scenes

before the crimes were committed.

Police are being tight-lipped surrounding the details.

Damn!

Two black eyes.

You know, this kid said he saw a nun

at this murder scene too.

You think maybe we oughta find her?

Yeah. She might have seen something.

- Yeah. - Two identical murders.

You know what that means, Chief.

Don't say it. Don't say the "SK" word.

You also realize this means we have the wrong man in custody.

Two black eyes and a fat lip.

Shit.

Well, this means we gotta let him go, then, don't we?

Ohh!

Uh, Rima, if he sues,

this is gonna be your badge.

Whoa. He won't be suing.

Ah, Christ.

Guess you can keep your badge.

Sullivan!

Clean-up, cell 4.

You want me to check his vitals?

Uh, no. He's dead.

Oh, one moment, Officer Sullivan.

We're all done here.

Unbelievable.

Move it, Diana.

Excuse me. That's Miss Ross to you.

What? It's not like he'll need it anymore.

And you're supposed to be the sensitive one?

Oh, I've fallen short of your expectations once again.

However will I survive?

I think I just saw Diana Ross with Mr. Clean.

Are you lost?

The Salvation Army is right down the street.

I could show you if you'd like.

What, you have a membership there?

This is Gucci.

Poly blend, poly blend, poly blend, poly blend.

No, I am Agent Peccant from the FBI.

See? Says right here on my badge.

There you go. Don't get up. Don't get up.

Apparently, your stonings of those choir boys

sent off some red flags down at the bureau--

I just put that into the computer a few of hours ago.

Oh you can type? Isn't that cute.

And talk while someone else is: rude.

Five years ago in Normal, Illinois, similar case,

and eight years ago in St. Germain, Wisconsin.

Who's gay in Wisconsin?

So the Bureau decided to send up their star profiler,

a young rising hotshot who's destined for--

Ooh! Is he cute? When does he get here?

Ooh! He's really cute, and he has no interest in you.

Oh right, Grandpa.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Pull in the claws.

- [hissing] - Hey, hey, hey.

No cat fights in the office, please.

Where would you like us to have them?

- Agent Pecan? It's-- - It's Peccant.

- Peccant. - Peccant.

Right, I'm Chief Homer Bathos, and this is Detective--

Homo, I don't have time

to meet every little errand boy under your employ.

We've got a murder to solve here, remember?

A murder. That's right.

So, you two, take me to the crime scene.

I'll give it a look-over and help you out.

You, the bureau is sending a box of case files, okay?

So I want you to keep your eye out for it.

That's these two things up here.

The box is square, cardboard,

Fed Ex on the side. Don't mess that up.

- You can drive me now. - Yes'm, Miss Daisy.

Do that again and I'll slap you.

- Oh! - Jesus.

- Chief? - Yeah.

Chief,

what's with all the gay cops?

Ha! I don't know. Darnedest thing, isn't it?

Yeah, darnedest.

- Well, I gotta go. - All right.

And when I was arresting this hooker,

she said it just slipped in. Come on!

And thanks for getting us here this year,

Miss Two-Mile-An-Hour. I could've crawled faster.

Okay, everybody, I need you all to stop and shoosh away.

Shoosh.

Come on. That means move. Move.

Shoo away. Thank you very much.

And stop with the chatter. I need silence.

Silence over there with the duck recipe,

although it sounds very lovely.

- Okay, I need a wide berth. - I could've told you that.

I'm hearing you. I'm only 2 feet away.

This is definitely where the crime occurred.

This is where it all happened. I can sense it.

Jesus!

This is not my first day.

Okay, let me just say this.

I'm hearing, I'm feeling,

I'm getting, I'm getting it.

I'm seeing a picture. [gasp]

I need a chair, quickly quickly quickly.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

No tissue? You couldn't have wiped it down for me?

Thank you, Detective.

Do you have any spa foot cream?

Something with like an apple blossom scent to it--

You're not gonna--

...because my feet are killing me.

- Agent Pekant-- - What?

It's Peccant, it's Peccant, it's Peccant!

You're about to put your feet in the murder weapon.

I knew that.

I was just testing your detective skills,

and apparently you're David Caruso fans.

Don't ever question my methods in front of my men again,

do you understand? Good, I thought so.

Now, you with the camera, up, up, up, thank you.

Get a picture of us, please, with the gun.

Good.

All right, I've come up with my profile.

Let me just consult... just to be sure.

You gonna help Daddy solve the case, with the profile.

Come on, give it to me. What is it, baby?

[baby talk]

I've got it.

Your killer is a 12-year-old Scottish boy

who chews watermelon BubbleYum

from the right side of his mouth.

He loves the Power Rangers, the red one-- No!

The black one because he's not racist.

He's an autistic genius

who can count the grains of sand on the beach

with a single glance. Glance-- haah!

He...

started his hatred of boy bands

from a bad choir experience involving a kilt,

which is a Scottish piece of clothing.

Like a skirt.

Of course it's like a skirt.

What did you think, it was a skort?

That's it. There you have it.

That's your profile of your killer.

Now start your detectiving

while I go back and freshen up at the hotel.

Take me back. Wait! Not you.

You with the camera, and bring it with you.

This one's heels can't touch the gas pedal.

Miss Thing.

Twat.

Ah. Pot calling the kettle black--

Don't even.

Are we gonna check its profile?

Fuck, no. Let's go back to the office

and look over some statements.

Maybe we'll find something there.

Anything stand out?

No.

Where to next?

Let's go back to St. Gemini,

interview some church patrons.

They might have seen something.

Ooh, sounds like fun.

- That's interview-- - Oh!

Not grab, not grope or fellatiate.

Interview.

Is that a gun in your p--

Never mind.

It's not a gun in my pocket,

and I'm never happy to see you.

Mark, can I have a moment of your time?

No.

You can have a moment of my time.

No, he can't.

Mr. Davidson,

I need you to clarify this statement here,

if you can just-- want to come over here for a second?

I was wondering--

Um, it says here that--

Here's my autograph.

Uh-huh.

Stop it.

Okay? Just stop it, Chris.

Not everybody is, you know--

Ahem. Gay?

Yeah. Not every one of us is gay.

It's not choice "A" or choice "B."

Not flaming gay or closeted gay.

Some of us are just straight, just completely straight.

Whatever you say, Mark. No reason to get riled up.

No reason at all.

After the debacle

with your treatment of poor Father O'Bleary,

and given the complete immoral

and illegal nature of your request,

I demand that you leave at once.

What? Stop.

And furthermore, I'll be in touch

with your superiors about this.

- Wait outside. - Don't you--

Mark--

Don't you think

that the O'Bleary matter

is done and over with.

[punch]

Come on back in.

He said yes?

He didn't say no.

[muffled shouts]

Oh, hello, you.

Permission or not,

you know none of this will hold up in court.

Not a problem.

If we can get a head-up on the killer,

we can wait for him to slip up.

If that doesn't work, we can plant some evidence

or manufacture some justifiable cause for entry.

Occasionally, I like the way you think.

Just occasionally.

Sorry about this, Father.

I'll leave the rosary.

Ahem.

[knocking]

- Father? - Oh.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Tell me everything, girlfriend.

It'll be all right.

I switch price tags when buying clothes.

That's it?

You switch tags?

Wait a minute.

What color was the blouse?

Red.

And the pants?

Green.

Oh, you are a hot mess.

See, girlfriend, that's your real sin.

That color combination only works during Christmas time.

And even then that's pushing it.

What should I do, Father, confess to the police?

Maybe the fashion police.

Seven Hail Marys.

Next.

Oh, yeah.

Fix your wig, Tranny McTrannerson.

I, uh, I cheated on an exam.

So where did you study your cheat sheet?

At Anointed, perhaps?

Uh, no.

So you went to Anointed after studying your cheat sheet.

Was this perhaps May 31st or June 2nd?

I don't go to the queer bar.

You can tell me anything. I won't judge.

You could even tell me

you committed three acts of murder, and I wouldn't--

Weirdo.

And he asked me to give him a-- a blow job.

I didn't do it, of course.

And this is your husband we're talking about?

Yes, for 30 years.

For God's sakes,

give the poor man a blow job.

And you better swallow.

The church frowns on that sort of thing, doesn't it?

Why do you think the Good Lord gave you lips and a tongue?

I say go for Nazi helmet.

- Well, if you say so-- - I insist.

Next.

So, well, I didn't mean to.

I-- I may have been a little harsh.

She may have committed suicide

due to my constant harassment and teasing.

And when did you realize you were a dyke?

Was this before or after you starting going to Anointed?

I'm not a dyke!

Was this some kind of love/hate

harassment/attraction?

And when did this escalate

into you cross-dressing as a priest

and killing choir boys

to vent your closet dyke frustrations?

Aah!

I'm the leader of Scout Pack 69,

and I've done something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pack 69?

I already know what you did, Miss Jackson.

69 Hail Marys, and a couple of snaps and a twist.

Next.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

[deep voice] Please, please continue.

- You all right? - Uh, yes, I have a cold.

You need more protein in your diet.

So I've heard. What can I do to-- for you?

It's been a while since my last confession.

I-- I've kind of left the church.

I'm part of the Ex-Choir Boy band.

Yes, we're all good-- big fans.

Part of the reason why we left.

Anyways, two of my band mates have been murdered--

- Is this a murder confession? - No.

It's just a confusing time for me.

Two of my band mates have been murdered,

- and then there's this cop. - Yes?

The guy's a nut.

He's really wacked in the head.

Arrogant.

[normal voice] Is that any way to talk

- about your civil servant? - Do I know you?

[deep voice] No, no, no.

Please continue.

So anyways, there's this cop.

He's frustrating as all hell to be around,

- yet-- - Yet?

There's just something about him I can't deny.

He's really very...

[phone rings] Sorry.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, be right over.

Thanks a bunch. Gotta go.

Yeah. Come back anytime.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Bless me, Father, for I'm about to sin.

- Huh? - Oh, nothing.

I've committed adultery.

Tell me everything.

I've lost track of my sexual partners,

and I think I'm a sexaholic.

I'm just a guy who can't say no.

I'm in a terrible fix.

[mouthing]

Thank you, Jesus.

What? What'd you say?

Keep going.

Christ, it's hot in here.

You mind if I take my shirt off?

Oh don't let me stop you at your shirt.

Thank you.

Much better.

Much, much better.

Anyway, I can't help it.

I have the most peculiar trigger, too.

It's so bizarre.

And that would be?

Well, um...

whenever someone speaks to me

in technical psychological terms...

it makes me so hot.

You don't want to know what terms like...

borderline personality disorder and...

schizophrenia...

do to me.

Do you think you can help?

Oh, well, we'll just have to see about that.

I mean, I'm just a priest.

I'm not a psychiatrist,

but I might have learned something

about obsessive, neurotic behavior.

It's telling me that your subconscious is

going out the door. Ohh!

Oh. Come on. Mmm.

Maybe you've heard of me, Otis Gudgeon?

Owner of Ooey Gooey Buns.

- Yes, Joel. - Huh?

Eh. Well, I don't know if you remember

that, uh, would-be competitor

who tried to get a piece of my pie, so to speak:

Rock Candy Buns.

Well, I won the turf war,

but, uh, not exactly fairly.

I had an actor stage getting sick

at one of their restaurants,

and had one of my pet reporters

make a big splash about the whole thing.

And I followed that up with a bribe to a health official

to plant bugs in their sugar coatings.

Closed them down within a year.

Well, I'm not exactly proud about how I won,

but damn it, business is war,

and there's no way on earth

I was gonna to lose Ooey Gooey Buns.

No!

That's not how it's done!

Get out of there!

Hail Mary! Hail Mary! Hail Mary!

On your knees. He trusted you,

and you used your position of power to manipulate him.

Is this one of those new things?

When he wouldn't do your evil bidding,

you just couldn't stand it, could you?

I don't understand what you want.

- You don't deserve to live! - Easy there, cowboy. Easy.

Dave Rattan was an employee of Otis' Ooey Gooey Buns

before hitting the big time with ECB.

Otis was obsessed with Dave,

and then he invited him over to his house

to play pool and naked Twister with mouse traps.

And then he stalked and killed him,

wearing a yellow dress that he once wore as child

that reminded him of dancing through a field of daisies.

And that's it, Chief.

[muffled shouts]

You sicko.

Do you have anything to say for yourself?

[muffled shouts]

All right.

[muffled shouts]

Mark, you really sure about this?

I am sure, Chief. That's the guy. That's it.

Because you've been wrong twice before.

I am sure of this. Chief, I've got it.

- Trust me. - Okay, yeah, what the hell.

Uh, good job. Book him.

My pleasure, Chief.

Let's go now. Come on.

[muffled shouts]

Is that him?

Yeah, that's him.

We got the right guy this time.

You've said that before.

You thought I was the killer, too.

Yeah, and your point is?

It might not be over.

Yeah, Joel, it might not be over.

Want to go have a beer?

Oh, she moves fast.

I'll go to one of your bars.

No, I think our business is done here.

[Man on TV] ...stage Miss Elektra LaStrange.

It's so good to see you, Elektra.

Yes, it's wonderful to see you too again, Jason.

It's Josh.

Ohh...

And likewise also the men,

leaving the natural use of the woman,

burned in their lust, one toward another,

men with men,

working that which is unseemly.

[coughing] No!

Aah!

Oh, shit.

What are you in for? Who cares?

This is my dog Mr. Girl. Isn't he cute?

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

What, were you out all last night

celebrating your latest collar?

'Cause guess what.

That suspect of yours,

he has an airtight alibi

for the night of the second murder.

Uh-huh. And unluckily for us,

he didn't kill himself.

So instead he decided to sue us and the city.

Oh, and I received a telephone call from the diocese.

Apparently, there's something about a Father Perdu.

You know anything about that, Mark?

Uh-huh. Because now they're suing us, too.

Oh, and getting back to Otis Gudgeon of Ooey Gooey Buns--

nice job arresting an international business mogul, by the way--

because now he has us as an airtight alibi

for last night's little incident.

- Incident? - Yeah.

If you and Detective Riant

weren't so busy playing tonsil hockey--

Please. I have better taste than that.

Sorry, Chris. You would have heard the news

that the latest member of your boy band--

Not my boy band.

Being found stoned and burned to death.

- Who was it? - Don't worry.

It wasn't your boyfriend. No, it was--

Oh. Speak of the devil. No, it was James Billet.

That explains why he hasn't called me.

And, uh, guess what.

Witnesses say they saw a nun at this murder scene.

When are you gonna find her?

You know what? I'm beginning to think

that this nun might have more to do with this case

than we initially thought--

If-- Oh, my God.

- Do you think-- - Hold that thought.

Do you think the nun might be in danger?

No. The killer is torturing the nun.

I used to be a nun.

The Choir Boys are just a sick little tool

in his twisted little game.

Our 12-year-old German boy--

Thought he was Scottish, Sylvia Brown--

Ish. Scott-ish.

German is close.

Our 12-year-old German boy

developed a hatred of these nuns

when he ate some moldy bread he bought

at one of their bake sales at the nunnery,

which is a place where nuns live, little boy.

He developed a tummy-ache so intense

that he had to miss his advanced bio-engineering class,

and that made him very, very, very mad.

Yes.

That was brilliant.

It's a gift. It's a gift.

Okay, Mark. I want you to get right on this.

I want that nun found

and brought into protective custody.

All right, fine.

- Chief-- - Yeah.

The paperwork from Normal and St. Germain just came in.

Holy crap. Yeah, put it in my office.

Uh, you want to go over these with me, Agent Pecan?

It's Peccant. It's Peccant.

And because of that, no. You do it yourself.

I have given you everything that you need to solve this case.

What do you want me, to drive the car, too?

You need to find that boy and arrest him

so that I can go home. Zip, zip.

I need a ride.

Well, I can give you a ride.

Huh?

Okay, no touching.

- Uh, in my office. - All right.

This last murder was different from the other two.

James was attacked at home, not after a show.

The killer is escalating his attacks.

We need to set a trap.

We do know who the killer is targeting.

We need bait.

All right, yeah.

So when's your next concert?

Tonight.

All right, Chris,

you take the east end of Snow Alley,

I'll take the west end, and then we'll--

- It's not at Anointed. - You play elsewhere?

We play elsewhere.

It's at the farmer's market in Turner Junction.

You actually get an audience there?

Well...

Standing room only.

You up for this?

Up for more than you think.

Well, don't worry.

We won't let anything happen to you.

I know you won't.

Whew, is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Well, I'm always hot, so it must be just me.

Shut up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chris, I need you to fill out some paperwork

on the transfer stuff.

Take Detective Flatus with you.

Come on, Chris.

Whatever. Frank, let's go.

Okay, okay. What are we doing?

Stakeout.

- Steak house? - Stakeout.

Stakeout.

- Stakeout. - Stakeout.

Stakeout.

[Man] You see them broads in those pink pants?

What?

You talk about a broad, I thought that was a dude.

She had an Adam's apple.

One of those all the way.

Hey, Charlie, you gonna go see them sissy boys tonight?

Maybe with a 2-by-4.

Heh heh. What do you think, Ray?

Oh, I don't know, Charlie. I hear they're pretty.

I sure wouldn't want to mess up them pretty faces,

at least not at first.

Heh heh.

Y-Yeah. See ya tomorrow.

Later.

♪ Another day gone by

♪ Another memory subsides

♪ Lookin' back on reckless abandon ♪

♪ Under blue skies, under blue skies ♪

♪ The future seems so meek

♪ My brothers are falling

♪ Falling, falling, falling

♪ They leave me so lonely

♪ Ain't no more balling

♪ Ain't no more balling

♪ In the name of our father

♪ Who stuck it in his son

♪ Exciting cause

♪ We're beggin' for the Holy Spirit ♪

♪ To help us--

Wait, right about here. This is perfect.

All right, here we go.

You take the back end of this thing--

Ho ho, no.

Mm-mm, you know.

- All right, fine. - All right.

All right. You get back end.

Nah, nah. Two out of three. Two out of three.

- Two out of-- - Two out of three.

All right.

Yeah! Cut you. Gotcha.

- Fine. - Thank you.

- Take it. - Oh, yeah, I will.

You take it.

♪ If I only knew now

♪ What I should have known back then ♪

♪ I'd be a little bit wiser

♪ And a much stronger man

♪ I got a head full of experience ♪

♪ And a heart filled with love ♪

♪ A gut full of feelings

♪ And hands that have been dragged through mud ♪

♪ 'Cause we all are disposable ♪

♪ Ready to fall

♪ Unto a new day

♪ 'Cause we all are disposable ♪

♪ Discarded like the sun

♪ At the end of day

You know you don't have to do this.

I'll be fine.

Detective Rima's looking out for me.

Yeah, I bet.

Joel, there's something

seriously off about that guy.

That's what I like about him.

I'm being serious.

You don't have to go through with this.

I'll be fine.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Can you see him?

Well, yeah, I can see him.

He's standing right out back.

Is anybody with him?

No, he's by himself.

What? No priest? No nun?

When I say no one, that includes priests and nuns.

[fart]

Jesus, what did you eat?

Oh, sorry about that.

[Man] Oh, Bessie!

Quiet! Somebody's coming.

It's tea time. [laughing]

Time for that magic elixir that lightens up my tea.

Hoo, well--

Frank, the gig is up.

Shhh!

Potential perp approaching the bait.

I hear them voices, too, Bessie.

What do you make of them?

You got a little pressure going there, girl.

What's happening? Just a little tense.

I can take care of it, though. Don't you worry.

Don't you worry about a thing.

[fart]

Damn, Bessie, that was foul.

I'd say one of those seven stomachs of yours

has a bad burrito.

Come on, girl, it's almost there.

It's almost there. I can feel it coming.

Yes, yes, yes. There it is, Yes. Yes!

Uh? Ooh. That's all you got for me?

Oh, wow.

You done gone sour.

Well, you know,

you're good for something besides milking,

and you know what I mean.

Hee hee hee! Oh, she's eager.

Yes, she certainly is.

This won't take long. It takes less time

than it ever used to take before, Bessie.

Hang on, it's gonna be quite a ride.

Where you going? What?

You sick duck. I'll plug you!

Take it easy, Mark! Take it easy!

Take it easy!

Bessie dropped a dime on me.

That's one for the books.

- How'd the stakeout go? - Got nothing.

- I wouldn't say that. - Hey, you shut up.

- You just shut up. - Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What happened?

No killer.

- No nun. - None?

Why don't you two just go home?

Me and Homer have got it covered from here.

Yeah, you've got quite a partner here.

You know that, Mark? Oh, and, uh, don't forget

to bring your little boyfriend with you.

He shouldn't be here loitering around.

That it, that's it.

What's with all the fag jokes? I'm not gay.

But Chris here is out to the whole world, the whole universe.

I don't see you giving him any shit. Why me?

Why you? I'll tell you why you.

Because Chris here, we can say anything we want to,

and the little queen just gives it right back.

Princess.

But you, on the other hand,

different matter. So you know what?

If you want to work here,

you better just grow some thicker skin

or put on some thicker nylons, partner.

Get out of here.

Yoo-hoo.

We could try again.

We've got another show at the sheep petting zoo.

No! No. No. Just go home.

- I was thinking, maybe we-- - Moo!

Hey, bring some milk back for the coffee, will you?

Moo!

Milk does a body good, I hear. Huh?

Moo!

Uhh...

- Mom-- - No!

You're not mine.

Remember?

You're an orphan.

Don't you ever call me Mama.

Not even in private.

What have you done?

Abomination!

Damnation!

This is the price of your sin.

God hates that.

God hates you.

Thorn in my foot.

My eternal sin, ever before me.

Oh God, please make that request of me:

the same request you made of Abraham.

Please give me a sign

that my trials are finally over!

Mary...

lift up your skirt.

Lift it up!

Put it right up there.

Put it right there!

If your hand led you to sin,

I would cut it off right now.

But no, it wasn't your hand, now, was it?

Aah!

Tempters.

[female voice] Abominations.

They shall surely die for their sins.

Ohh...

Gosh, you're so fucking hot.

[knock on door]

Who in the hell could that be?

Just ignore it.

[knocking]

If that's Quesnell, I'm gonna kill him.

Forget about Quesnell.

- Oh, baby-- - Oh, baby, right there.

Ahh...

[knocking]

Can you just please go check that?

It's your apartment.

Please, sweetheart, can you just check it?

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart? What's my name?

What's my name?

Jared?

Jared? Jared?

Do I look like a Jared to you?

Oh, my God--

Freakin' boy band prick.

It's the prick you like.

It's the dick I like.

- What the fuck? - Yaah!

[thud]

Uhh!

You've been bad, haven't you?

[giggling] Yeah.

How bad have you been?

Pretty bad.

Tell me again.

Very bad.

Yeah? Why don't you just call me sir?

Sir.

Say it louder.

Very bad, sir. Aah! Hit me.

- Harder. - You like that, don't you?

Yes, sir. Harder. [doorbell rings]

Oh. He's here.

His online photo better be real.

That last guy was a total fake.

Who says three's a crowd?

Oh, you definitely have the wrong apartment.

Sinner!

Quesnell?

Aah! Aah!

- No-- - Yaah!

There he is.

Just what is your fucking malfunction?

What?

Mark, what the hell's the matter with you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't you? Why the fuck didn't you tell us

that you worked in both precincts

where all the other choir boy murders took place

at the same time that they occurred?

Major black eye here.

Well, I think I remember something similar to that.

Oh, you think?

They weren't even my cases. I was a rookie patrolman.

Oh, well, there you go.

Did you hear that? They weren't even his cases.

- Yeah, but still-- - Yeah but still,

one would expect

a detail-orientated policeman like yourself

to have remembered such similarities.

The nun sightings, the stonings--

Do you know what I think, Detective Rima?

Do you want to know what I think Detective Rima?

- Sure. - Yeah, sure.

You know what I think?

I think, based on the case evidence that I've looked at,

based on your own notes of the documented incidents

that you've written up and turned in yourself,

and based on my own flawless intellect--

[scoff]

The killer is a 78-year-old Nordic Latino, a janitor.

I'm not kidding, in a hospital.

Yeah, and he's not killing choir boys to kill choir boys.

He doing it to flush you

out of this big glass closet you live in.

Oh, my God, he thinks you're gay.

Oh, my God, he knows you're gay.

- Hello! - Hello!

Rose Kennedy with a black dress.

So the nun is stalking him to kill him,

but that's a completely unrelated incident.

Yeah, she's his half-sister.

Yeah, in some incestuous gross kind of thing,

she pictures him as a sex toy.

I know, but for $9.95 on the internet,

I'd tune in, wouldn't you?

That's the new profile. There it is. Run with it.

That is a lot to swallow.

You? We pictured you a spitter.

Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Okay, girls, boys, settle down.

Did you call me girl or her?

- Her. - Thank you.

I think that Agent Picante here--

- It's Peccant. - ...has laid out

a very reasonable and probable profile.

- Um, we-- - Chief!

What? [fart]

Oh, good Lord, that's disgusting.

You didn't just interrupt me for that, did you?

No, sir. Sorry, sir.

The killer has struck twice tonight.

Double murders at both scenes.

Someone better go get that Ex-Choir Boy

and get him into protective custody, stat,

which is hospital talk for now.

I know who will volunteer for that: Mark?

Where the hell did that shape shifter go? Can he fly?

- Get on Mark's shadow now. - On it.

We had no doubt.

[coughing] Bitch.

Thank your dad for the flowers.

I, uh, need to go check on something in my office.

He's a coke whore. Someone should tell him

that's not a drug you take on a full stomach.

Just get to a phone, Ellen, get to a phone!

You crack whore!

Are you watching Days Of My One Life To Live?

No, no. No no. I wasn't watching--

Deception. Deception.

- I, uh-- - I know Ellen's voice.

My wife makes me watch it.

She got me hooked, man.

It's like crack. I just--

I thought you were on crack.

Good Lord. Is Rico still being a snake?

Has Ellen called Harriet?

Oh, my God. You, too?

Yeah, I love this soap. I'm hooked.

But ever since I've been up here, I've been in withdrawals.

I have no idea what's going on.

Keep up with it on Google.

Google-- I forgot they do everything,

including, like, a Pap smear nowadays.

- Yeah. - Do you mind?

No. Here.

Oh, good Lord, she's still so thin.

[knocking]

You're the last one left.

The nun, she attacked Quesnell and Matt in their homes.

It was the nun. I knew it.

Her name is Sister Mary. She's insane.

Yeah, well, duh.

I'm putting you in protective custody.

You've gotta come with me right now.

I need to grab a few things.

We gotta go now. We gotta go.

How can they have commercials during a 24-hour marathon?

It's not really 24 hours of soap, then, is it?

No, no, but--

Mr. Girl.

- Oh, my God, he's so cute. - Mm-hmm.

What kind of dog is he?

Dog?

Paris Hilton was a dog.

That's Mr. Girl, my prince.

- Yeah. He's gone now. - Aw.

- I know. Cancer. - Sorry.

There's nobody to greet me at the door

when I get home anymore.

I'm all by myself.

I'm an orphan now.

You have your wife and soaps and Ellen.

- Yeah-- - I know.

I have nobody.

Do you think that you have to pick up the poop

after dogs in heaven?

I don't know.

Do dogs even poop in heaven?

Anyway, he's-- he's absolutely adorable.

- Purebred? - Oh, good Lord, no.

This dog was a whore. Please. And so was his mother.

Yeah, no-- he's half cockapoo and half Maltese.

- What? - Yeah, a cock-tese.

Rare breed.

Rare in my house.

I think it probably runs in your house.

- [Ellen] How could you? - Back on!

- Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh. - How could you do this to me?

Rico, you go get the money, and I'll take care of her.

[phone rings]

Bathos. Make it quick.

It's Chris. I'm at Davidson's apartment.

Who? Where?

Mark's shadow: Joel Davidson.

Why didn't you just say so in the first place?

Davidson isn't here.

There's no sign of struggle

or any other... type of engagement.

Any sign of Mark?

No, he's not picking up his cell, either.

Well, uh, head on over to Mark's place.

See if he's taking a nap.

Hell of a time to be taking a nap, though.

and then the two of you get over and find Davidson, okay?

And call me back in about an hour

and then only for about 3 minutes, during the commer--

- Uh, good luck. - Yeah.

God, I hope they find that kid.

That would be a real feather in my cap.

And that looks like a doomsday device.

We're all gonna die.

Let me give you a hand with that.

That's okay, you don't have to--

Relax. Relax. I got it.

What's that for?

You're not that dense. I thought maybe--

Yeah, think again.

I'm bored.

And? So?

It's your job to entertain me.

No, I know what my job is.

Fine. What would entertain you?

Let's play some poker.

All right, well it better be penny poker

because all I have is--

I wasn't talking about money.

Oh.

Ain't gonna happen.

All right, I'll go get the pennies.

No. Don't. You can't show your face.

It's not safe out there.

Why is that?

Is my face that ugly?

No.

Fine. We'll play what you want to play.

No, if I have to twist your arm this hard,

then just forget it.

Just sit down and deal.

Come on, Jesus Christ.

So what else do you know about her?

- Who? - Sister Mary?

She's insane.

You mentioned that.

You're in a lot of danger.

She's out there.

She's looking for you.

She wants to punish you.

And you know all this how?

I have a source.

Okay.

Call.

I lose again.

So how did you know it was the nun?

What's with all the questions?

Oh, well, she killed all my band mates

and has me on the run. None of my business--

Call.

Uh-uh. I get to choose.

Lose the pants.

No.

Why are you trying to fight this so much?

There's nothing wrong with this.

What are you doing?

[female voice] This is very wrong.

It's an abomination.

Goodbye, Ellen.

I never loved you.

Doesn't Ellen have a twin sister?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - What the hell was her name?

- It was Margaret. - Either you're lying...

No. Bermuda.

It was something, uh, uh...

Mary. It's Mary.

- It's not Mary. - It's Sister Mary.

- No it's not. - Look it up.

- Sister Mary? - Shh.

Now it's just you and me, friend.

- You and I. - That's what I said.

No, you didn't. [phone rings]

Fucking interruptions all the fucking time.

- What? - Chief, it's Chris.

I recognize the lisp. What do you want?

Is Agent Peccant there?

Yeah, we're both here, watch--

working on a case together.

Well put me on speaker phone.

You're never gonna believe this.

Okay, go ahead. You're on speaker.

Can you hear me?

No. I'm replying because I'm a psychic.

Bitch. Can you hear that?

Can we get to the point, please?

I'm at Mark's apartment.

- Is he there? - No.

Now, you'll never believe what I found.

Now, Chief, I know you and Mark

have known each other for a while now,

and I don't really know how to break this to you,

but I think there's something you should know about--

He's a closet case, right?

Well, duh, everyone knows that.

But it's not that. It's something else.

The killer we've been hunting--

well, it turns out that--

Detective Mark Rima is the killer.

Or rather his split personality Sister Mary is.

- Black eye. - [mouthing]

Mark is the bastard child of a nun.

Yeah, she and her order not only pretended

that he was an orphan left on her doorstep,

they also pretended he was a girl.

Mark, or I should say Mary--

that was his name he was raised with--

was also dressed like a girl until early puberty.

Mary had a tryst with a choir boy.

His mother discovered the two together,

and she stoned the choir boy to death.

Oh, good Lord.

Mary was beaten, maimed,

and left for dead herself-- himself.

It's at that point that Mary runs away.

This is so sad, and in more ways than one,

and Mark Rima first appears.

Mark completely blacked out the experience.

He ended up in the foster care of a cop.

Let's see here-- initials H.M., I think.

Have to look into that one.

Mark isn't even aware of Mary, you know,

but Mary is fully aware of Mark.

sort of like Nikki and Vicki on our soap.

Mary first re-emerges eight years ago

when Mark attended the St. Germain Christmas concert.

And then again three years later in Normal.

And now.

Wow.

You are good, girl.

Well, yeah, and I'm also reading

Sister Mary's online blog right now.

There's really interesting pictures.

Oh, God, I better start looking for a new job.

Do you think--

Davidson. Mark's shadow.

Do you think Mary has him right now?

Well, if he-she does, then it's probably too late.

Oh, my God.

There isn't one clue as to where they've gone.

At least not to your eyes.

How the hell am I gonna find them in time?

I suppose we could use that Lojax thing

that's in all the officers' cars.

Oh, God, I'm in Mayberry.

Mark?

[female voice] Not Mark.

Mark's a bad boy.

But you, you're worse. You're a sinner.

You lead weak boys like Mark into temptation.

- Surely hellfire awaits you. - You don't have to do this--

- Surely I must. - You don't want to do this.

The Lord's will is my will, and the Lord hates you.

Wait! Please.

You need help, Mark. You're sick.

You need to stop fighting what you really want...

what you really need.

[gasp] Who did that to you?

Drop the stone.

Sorry.

Grrr!

Don't worry, Chief. There won't be a trial.

I hate you.

I've always hated you.

Always, always.

And now I'm gonna kill you.

You know, this, uh,

this sort of incident under my command--

It, uh, it may not look so good

with the powers that be, you know?

I know. It's gonna be hard.

Well, I'm sorta thinking here

that, uh, you seem like a nice guy.

- Oh, yes. - Yeah.

Well, we watch the same soaps, you know, and--

I love this soap.

Mr. Girl is just adorable.

I mean, we got that, right?

So I was just wondering.

Your word would carry an awful, awful lot of weight

with the powers that be, and, you know,

maybe you could put in a good word for me.

No.

I will kill you now.

You are a grown man.

Please tell me you are not crying.

I'm alone in an office

with a grown straight man crying.

[sobbing]

Ellen, I'm coming for you.

That is how I solved

the very strange case of Detective Rima

and Sister Mary--

a strange one indeed.

You know, that Dale Inman, she's taken my job.

Do you have anything

you'd like to add to that,

Chief Riant?

Yeah. Repression sucks.

What do you mean?

Well, repression is what drove him

to becoming a killer of unsuspecting singing twinks.

I knew that.

I was just testing your detectiving ability,

and you passed with flying colors,

you specimen of a detective, Chief.

Now, don't you have a new undercover assignment

to start, Agent Picante?

It's Peccant.

But you're cute. 1829 01:34:22,0