Original subtitles

- I don't know why you make me read 'em bedtime stories.

All I hear is, "mommy reads better."

"sports illustrated isn't a book."

- I have a thought.

- Hey, hey, don't get overheated.

- Might I suggest that perhaps the reason

For raymond's unwillingness to share

With the parental responsibilities

Is a fear of intimacy,

Brought on by his distant

And somewhat strained relationship

With his father?

- Robert's been seeing dr. Greenberg every Tuesday.

- What, your therapist?

- Oh, that's wonderful, robbie.

- How does he do it, push two couches together?

- You see, joking is nothing more than a defense mechanism.

It masks some real problems that certain men have

Because they are afraid

To get in touch with their feelings.

- Hey, dad, I'm givin' robert the finger in my mind.

Want me to put one up for you?

- No, I got it.

- Both of you, put those down.

- That's okay, ma.

This is men in a nutshell.

- I wish you would take ray to dr. Greenberg sometime.

- Look, don't think I wouldn't love to.

You know, most of my problems stem

From my combative male relationships in the home.

- Shut up.

- God forbid you should improve as a human being.

Fix your relationship with your brother.

- My relationship with him is fine.

What are you bringing this psycho-crapola

Into my house for?

- It's not crapola!

You're just afraid to look at yourself.

- No, I'm afraid to look at you, 'cause you're ugly.

- You're the ugly one.

You're ugly on the inside.

- Well, then go outside!

- You go outside! - It's my house!

Oh, I forgot, you don't have a house,

'cause you still don't have a life!

What? What?

Oh...Listen, I didn't mean it.

Come on.

Come on.

Look...

All right, all right.

Maybe...

I'll go with you tomorrow.

- Yes!

- I can't wait to hear how it goes.

- Me too. Tell me all about it.

- Oh, you're going too, frank.

- No, sir.

- Oh, yes.

Or I will finally be calling cousin bella.

- Don't you threaten me.

- Who's cousin bella?

- My cousin bella happens to be a top psychiatrist.

- She's a hideous monster.

- For years, she's offered to come up from south carolina

To stay with us for some emergency marriage counseling.

I'm gonna call her right now.

- Put down that phone.

- She's gonna stay with us

As long as it takes to make you a person.

- All right!

I'll go with them to the thing.

- He's gonna have therapy!

- Dad!

- Oh, my gosh, he's going to therapy!

- I can't believe it!

- Wonderful day!

Oh, and, frank, don't be afraid

To let them keep you for observation.

- Oh, this is so great.

- All right, guys, look. Listen.

There's a couple things I want to go over

Before we go inside, all right?

Now, I don't want this to throw you off,

But dr. Greenberg has a bit of a lazy eye.

Okay?

So when he looks at you, he may not be looking at you.

He may be looking at you.

So do you guys know what you want to start with today?

- How much I hate you.

- Actually, that's very good.

Don't hold back, raymond, okay?

There's nothing to be afraid of.

- Yeah, I actually have something

I need to get off my chest.

- What is it, dad?

- I'm not going in there.

- What?

- I'm not going in there.

And I would never set foot

In some voodoo man's sucker trap,

Not for all the tea in china

Nor for all the chinese waitresses

Who bring the tea.

There. I feel better.

- Dad, come on. We had a deal.

- Hey, look, if he's not going,

Then I'm not going, all right?

Dad, let's just get a slice.

- Now you're talking.

- Listen, listen. Hey, hey. Come on.

I'm paying an extra $100 for this session,

And it's two hours, you see,

So you can't go home, because the girls will know.

- Did you pay him the extra money yet?

- No, I'm gonna pay him right now.

- You've got 100 extra bucks...

And we've got two free hours.

- Whoo-hoo, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

- This is not what I had in mind.

- Oh, no? We're up 500 bucks.

Maybe you should start having that in mind, phone pole.

- Yeah, phone pole, 'cause you're big!

- All right. That's enough.

Not only did you two lie to the girls,

But you made me lie to the doctor.

Now it's gonna be harder than ever

To look dr. Greenberg in the eye.

- Oh, my god, look at this.

We got to bet this horse.

This is a big horse, a sure thing.

This horse is unstoppable!

- "marie's mouth."

- This is a sign from god.

We're supposed to be here.

I'm in!

- I'm way in.

Care for a piece, robert?

- It is a good sign.

- So...How was therapy?

- I got to tell you...

It was kind of a fulfilling experience.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Oh, isn't this wonderful?

What did you think, frank?

- Well, when you were yakkin' me into this,

I was, as you know, very skeptical.

But then I got there, and I have to say...

It really paid off.

And I owe it all to marie's mouth.

- I'm so happy I helped.

- To marie's mouth!

- Oh, this is so great!

- You mean this guy got through to you guys a little?

- I got to tell you, that dr. Greenberg...

He's a genius.

- Know what? I am really proud of you guys.

So what else did dr. Greenberg say?

- Well...He said that I've actually been in denial

With my feelings towards robert.

Yeah.

I think I love him now.

- This is so sweet.

- And we realize how lucky we are

To have you guys at home too.

You know, dr. Greenberg said that our marital companions

Can help our situation even further.

- Oh, fine with me. How?

- Well...

We all have...You know...

Tension.

And whatever you can do to alleviate...

You know...

Dr. Greenberg said.

- I am happy to help.

- Oh, frank, I can't wait to talk more about this.

I always say, nothing is more important

Than discussing one's feelings.

And now we can have real discussions.

- Yeah.

About that...

Dr. Greenberg advised me to have a cone of silence.

- A cone of silence?

- Yes, I need a cone of silence...

Around me whenever I feel "bad frank" coming on.

He suggested a 10-foot radius.

A little more.

That's good, honey.

- Oh, chi-chi.

I'll do anything, if it means you're mentally balanced.

- The balance feels good now.

- Hello, ladies.

- Hey.

How we doing?

- We are up like a wedgie on the fat kid at camp.

- How much?

- Well, my papa, after five weeks,

We have cleared 1,400 semoleans.

- Here's to psychotherapy.

- What excuse did you give dr. Greenberg this week?

- Oh, I didn't even talk to him this week.

I told him I was gonna be workin' undercover for a while,

And when I came back, I'd have plenty of issues.

- What kind of issues?

- I told him I have to dress as a woman,

And I had to borrow the outfit from my mother.

- Ha! Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's perfect. - I know.

- If he only knew what a sick bastard you really are.

- I know!

- All right, so what's gonna be our breakthrough for today?

- Okay, let's see.

The last thing I told the wives

Is that we were working on dad's withholding of affection

When we were kids.

- Good, good.

- And how it impacted negatively on us.

For instance, whenever I did something,

I always felt that dad was disappointed in me,

Not to mention the neglect and verbal abuse.

- Okay.

So what can we say as to why you were like that--

You know, unreceptive to our needs and stuff?

- Right, right.

Why was I like that?

'cause you two were a couple of monkey's asses.

- Okay.

I think that might be the verbal abuse

You're talking about, robert.

- No.

You know, I've been thinking about this since last week.

You know what you two's problems were?

You took all that abuse stuff personally.

- Of course we took it personally.

You're our father!

- It was just business.

- This isn't exactly what they call

A triumph of analysis.

What else you got?

- What else you got?

- How about, uh...

You were withdrawn from your relationship with us

Because your father was like that with you?

- That's friggin' great.

- Yeah. Very good, raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, 'cause it's like

What you were talking about the other day.

I'm kind of a lousy dad because of him,

So I just back it up one more to grandpa joe.

- Yeah, yeah, and his dad was the worst,

My grandpa sal.

- Oh, yeah?

- Oh, yeah, grandpa sal?

Very scary.

He once made mussolini wet himself.

My dad used to tell me horrible stories

About how his father used to hit him...

When he wasn't hitting me.

- Grandpa joe hit you?

- Sure, I got hit every day.

- Wow, dad.

I didn't know that it was like that for you.

- It was like that for everybody.

That's just the way it was.

- So your dad's dad hit him, he hit you,

And you never really hit us.

- I couldn't.

I don't know.

I was always weaker than him.

- Maybe you didn't want to be like him.

- I didn't.

- The girls will buy that.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- They'll eat it up like a bag of candy.

- Come on, let's bet the next race.

I'm treating.

- Hey, dad, can we get ice cream?

- Sure.

Is it 6:00 yet?

- Almost; the boys should be home from therapy soon.

- Isn't it wonderful?

Frank's a new man.

It's like I'm cheating.

- Did you see this?

- What? - What is it, dear?

- It's dr. Greenberg.

- Obituaries? He died?

- Oh, my god, that's awful.

- I know.

He had a heart attack last week.

He was such a sweet man.

- Oh, his poor family.

This is terrible.

- Wait a minute.

He died last week?

- Well, it's subconscious,

Which is why we have to keep going.

- Hello, beauties.

- Something smells good,

And I'm not talking about dinner.

- Hey, there, baby doll.

How about givin' daddy a little sugar?

- Good session today?

- Oh, great, great, some major breakthroughs.

- Better than major. General.

Four-star general breakthroughs.

- I got to be honest. I feel really great.

Since I've been in analysis, my whole outlook is different.

That dr. Greenberg was sent from heaven.

- Hey, look at this.

- What have you got?

I thought he looked a little pale when we left.

- What is it?

Oh, my god, was he hit by a car?

He's got that lazy eye.

- It was a heart attack, robert!

He died last week.

- Oh.

Ohh!

- What is it? Give me that.

Good night.

- Where do you think you're going, frank?

- The news is depressing.

I'm going to lie down.

- Frank, you'd better take a good look at this section,

'cause you're gonna be in there tomorrow.

- Well, maybe not tomorrow.

Looks like it takes a week.

- I demand an explanation.

- You lied to us.

- Where exactly have you been going?

- All right, if you must know... We go to church.

- Oh, bull!

- To lie about church is a double sin!

- This is a terrible thing you did.

- What did we do?

You tricked us into thinking you weren't pigs anymore,

But you are worse than pigs.

You're talking pigs who lie!

- Why would you do this to us?

Here we were, so happy that you guys were finally connecting.

We pictured you sitting in dr. Greenberg's office

And going through all of your awful fights and traumas

And crying, and it was so cute.

- Where did you go, frank?

- I'm not talking.

There is such a thing as patient-doctor confidentiality.

- Robbie?

- To the track.

- Oh, what? - You're gambling?

- What are you, an imbecile?

- How dare you!

I'm married to a mentally diseased,

Gambling psychopath.

- Oh, yeah?

I won!

I won!

And I'm glad what I done!

It's a good thing we didn't go to the headshrinker.

I told you guys therapy was a crock.

They take your money and then,

When you need the guy, like today,

He's doin' something else.

- This is unbelievable, ray.

- No, debra, come on, look.

This was supposed to make us happier, right?

Well, we're all happy now.

- This is dirty happiness.

You know what you did.

You played on our sensitivities.

You took advantage of us.

You knew I would be so proud of you

That I'd let you slide on everything around here,

Including me!

- All right, okay.

But we really did work stuff out.

Right, guys?

- You know, we did. We really did.

I mean, we had to for our made-up crap to be believable.

- It's true.

- Something good happened while we weren't going to therapy.

Me and dad and robert, we enjoyed bein' together,

And we laughed and... We found out stuff.

So you don't have to be mad,

Because what you wanted us to get out of therapy,

We kind of did.

And we feel good now...

Except for the dead doctor part.

But I can honestly say that we are better people now.

You've seen it.

So can't you be a little happy for us?

- I am happy for you.

But don't touch me.

- Deb.

- I need a 10-foot radius.

- No dinner for you!

- I'm very disappointed in you, robert.

- Who do I talk to?

- Explain it again, cousin bella,

Because I really want him to understand it.

- Well, frank...

It is my opinion

That this lack of communication

Comes from your fear of intimacy.

But what you need to do

Is listen to your wife when she speaks.

Really listen to her,

Because it's important that she knows

You care about her.

So we will explore this together

Over the next three weeks that I'm here.

What are you feeling, frank?

- What am I feeling?