Original subtitles

- Okay, here it is. - All right.

- Nice and hot.

You're going to wish you ordered more egg rolls, raymond.

- Why? - 'cause I ate 'em in the car.

- Sorry we took so long,

But listen to this.

While we were waiting for our order in the bar,

Robert got discovered!

- What do you mean?

- Discovered as in, "hey, I found bigfoot"?

- No, really!

This modeling agent came over to us

And said robert had an interesting look.

He said he should come in for a meeting.

Here's his card.

- Robert, this is terrific. You should call him.

- Aw, come on. The guy was probably drunk.

- Yeah.

Or blind.

Or--or mentally--

- All right, you know what, let's just go

With blind and drunk, all right, raymond?

- Come on, robert.

Aren't you a little bit intrigued?

- Yeah, what if he wasn't any of those things?

- Well, he must've been all those things,

Or he would've given his card to the real beauty

In the restaurant.

My amy.

- Oh...My handsome model.

- Yeah.

- Aw, how am I going to eat now?

- You know, you could kiss your wife once in a while.

- Let's eat.

Hello, I'm here to see william dennison.

- What's your name? - Bobby barone.

- Who?

- Robert barone.

- Oh, here you are. Okay, have a seat.

- 'sup?

- Okay, robert, mr. Dennison will see you now.

Just right through that door.

thank you.

thank you.

- All right, we'll send her headshots out this afternoon.

Thanks. Hey, robert.

Have a seat. Glad you could make it.

- Are you sure about all this?

Because, you know, I'm not much of a looker

In the, uh, sober light of day.

Am I right?

I mean, you know, you saw me at a chinese restaurant.

They're not exactly known for their lighting.

So I totally understand if you think--

- Robert, robert, relax. We're just talking.

- Okay.

- So how tall are you?

- Uh, I'm 6'8 1/2", but I can schlump to 6'5".

- No, no.

Actually, one of the toughest things to find

Is someone who's tall who also photographs well.

Most of the guys your height are...

Well, they're more like...

Circus freaks.

- So I'm not a circus freak?

- I'm not saying you're a cover model.

But a lot of what we do here

Is more on the pages between the covers,

Where the advertisers want, you know, character faces

To sell everything from new cars to headache medicines.

- Oh, yeah, I could be the headache guy.

I get headaches all the time.

You should meet my family.

- Okay, now, just because I think you have a good look

Doesn't mean the advertisers are going to agree.

But you never know.

- Interesting.

Now, when you say "never know..."

- Well, you may never book anything.

Or you may book a few print jobs.

- And what would something like that pay?

- A couple thousand dollars.

But I also have my top people out there doing commercials,

And they're pulling down 100, 150 grand a year.

- I'm in!

- Okay, but let's understand...

There are no guarantees.

What I'd like to do is send you out a couple times,

See what kind of reaction we get.

- Okay. Great!

- Yeah. - Yeah. Oh, and, hey.

Let 'em know I'm not afraid to go green.

- Excuse me? - Go green.

You know, in case they want me to sell vegetables.

- Oh. - Yeah.

And, you know, people also tell me that I have a good voice

In case they want me to, you know,

Talk in any of the ads.

"this is cnn."

- Let's just focus on print ads for the time being, hmm?

- Right, sure, print, focus, good, good.

- Okay, well, the first thing you're going to need to do is

Go out and get some headshots to start your portfolio.

Now here are the names of some photographers

Other people with the agency have used,

Or you could just use our in-house guy if you want.

- That's sounds grrrreat!

Tony the tiger.

I--I didn't know if that guy died already or anything.

I thought they might, you know,

Maybe need a new tiger.

- Oh, my god!

You guys are not going to believe this!

Okay, robert!

- Hey.

- He went to the agency, they signed him as a client.

He already had his photo session with herbert,

And they're going to start sending him out right away.

- Why is uncle robert standing like that?

- Well, ally...

- Because my husband is a model.

- And sometimes models wear tight underwear.

- Stop it, ray.

No, robert, I just think that's terrific.

I have always said that you were handsome.

- And then we would laugh and laugh

And laugh.

- We noticed your lights were on.

- Oh, you guys, guess what. - What?

- Robert signed with a modeling agent.

- All right. What's the punch line?

- No joke, dad, william dennison

Of the william dennison modeling agency

Felt that I had potential as a model,

And, uh, I've decided to fulfill it.

- Oh, robert, that's wonderful!

Oh! Even as a baby, you were always a looker.

- I always thought he was more of a "look at that."

- No, you know, actually,

I'm not going to go for the stereotypical,

Boring good looks thing.

I've got more of a character face.

- Like the wolfman?

- No, maybe more like someone

Who gets paid to represent a major aspirin company.

- Okay. All right.

I'm getting the "major ass" part.

- That was headache guy.

- Stop it, ray.

No, I think that was great, robert. Do another one.

- No. Enough!

I don't like this!

I didn't raise no male models.

- Oh, frank.

- That's all right. I expected just such a reaction.

Guess it goes with the territory.

That's why they pay us the big bucks.

- They say he could potentially make

$100,000 a year.

holy crap!

Shut up, paint your face,

And start swinging it downtown.

- Hey, dad, you could make some money.

You could be hemorrhoid guy.

- Make me an offer!

- Nobody wants to see your father.

Robbie, maybe you can find something for raymond.

There must be a "cute and adorable" department.

- Hey, all right, can we just all let robert have his moment?

- No, that's all right, debra.

I don't mind spreading my good fortune.

Hey, you know, if you want, ray, I could introduce you

To mr. Dennison when I pick up my pictures.

- That's okay, robert, okay?

One delusional person in the family is enough.

- Oh, robbie! I can't wait to see your picture

In all the magazines!

- Make that two delusional people.

- I think it's very exciting, robert.

I'm proud of you.

- Ah...Thanks, amy. Thanks, ma.

- So there are a lot of good-looking broads down there?

- Dad, please. Those are my colleagues.

- Yeah, dad.

So any of these colleagues swedish?

- Ugh, ray.

- I'm interested in my brother's life.

And europe.

- Okay, look, will you relax?

We're just here to pick up the pictures,

And then we're gone.

- But we're going to see some real models, right?

I didn't come down here to see

Pms lady or laxative girl.

- All right, look, just don't do anything to embarrass me.

- Don't worry, I'm going to keep my mouth shut,

Except for when I'm going, "wowee!"

- I mean it, raymond. No goofing around, okay?

This is very important to me.

all right.

Not quite as glamorous as I thought it would be.

Are you sure this is the right place?

- Yes, yeah, yes. I don't get it.

Yesterday there were all these people here.

And--and I went over here to sit,

And--and this is where the lady was who helped me,

And then this was william's office over here.

Then they said, "go do your pictures."

I came in here. I-I met herbert.

And then after that, I went over here.

And then I said, "okay, thank you very much.

I'll come back to get 'em." and--and then I-I left.

And I-I don't know.

- So basically, what you're saying is

The most attractive woman I'm going to see today is you.

- I don't know what happened. Even the light bulbs are gone.

It--it's like a con job.

- How could it be a con job? I mean--

Oh, don't tell me you paid the guy to represent you.

- No, I only paid for the pictures.

I paid for the pictures.

- Oh, man. How much?

- $1,000.

- $1,000? Are you nuts?

- It would've cost me a lot more with one of those outside guys!

- Oh, my god!

- I feel sick. - All right, easy. Easy!

- I can't breathe! - All right, relax.

- I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

- Relax. All right, calm down!

Robert! Just calm down.

- I can't breathe! - Calm down.

Calm down!

- How can I calm down?

Do you know what this means?

I've been conned, and I'm a cop.

I'm a conned cop!

- All right, so why don't you just

Track the guys down, and you throw 'em in jail?

- Yeah, sure, I can just imagine the headlines.

"giant cop is giant schmuck!"

- Look, you made a mistake. That's all.

Come on. Let's go home.

- No, no, no, I can't.

How do I face amy and mom and dad?

They think I'm a model!

- Nobody thinks that.

Look.

You just tell them that you decided

That this career was not for you.

That's all. You're too much of a man.

- Okay, but see, they're expecting pictures.

I mean, amy knows I-I-I paid $1,500.

- I thought you said $1,000.

- I lied, okay, raymond? I'm a moron!

- All right, so...

We'll get some new pictures made.

- No, I can't. That was my last $2,000.

- $2,000? - I know!

- Well...

$2,000?

What were these, pictures or sculptures?

- Maybe I'll just jump out the window.

If it's really a window.

- All right, all right, look, don't jump yet.

Hey, you know what? I got a camera.

So--so we'll take some pictures,

And we'll show 'em to everybody,

And--and then...

Then you quit the business

Because you wanted to spend more time with your family.

And we're done.

- Yeah? You'll help me?

- Yeah, why not?

- Thank you.

You're a good brother. - Yeah.

And I'll only charge you $1,100.

Oh, okay. You ready?

- You mean this is where we're doing it?

In the basement? - Yeah.

- It's supposed to look like a $2,000 picture.

- Well, just stand up against the backdrop.

It's very nice. - You mean your bedspread?

It's like a porn shoot.

- Just shut up and stand there, all right?

We still got to take the pictures

And get to the one-hour place before people get home.

- Yeah, okay, but don't you think

I need a little powder first? - You don't need any powder!

- Okay, look. You know what--

Just wait a minute. What I want--

Don't take the picture when I'm talking, ray--raymond?

- What? - You know what?

Just put the camera down. Put it down!

- What? Come on. Those are great action shots.

- I need you to wait until I pose first.

- Then pose already.

Hurry up.

- I will be starting with headache guy.

- All right. You're kidding me.

- This is what we do. Just take it.

- Looks more like jock-itch guy.

- I need that one too.

- All right, this is not working.

- Why not?

- You're not believable as a person.

- Oh, yeah, avedon? Well, you know what?

It just so happens that herbert said

I was a joy to photograph!

- Herbert didn't have any film in the camera!

- You're right.

I'm such a dope.

- Hey, hold it. That's good. Right there!

Yes, that's the perfect antidepressant medication guy.

- Hey, raymond, don't, okay? Just forget it.

- No, no, it's good. You got a very expressive face.

You can always tell what's in your head.

- Yeah? - Not that. That's too happy.

We don't want that. - Sorry.

- No, now, you're forcing it. Just be yourself.

That's it, right there. Right there.

Perfect. Perfect.

Okay, all right. Give me a little over the shoulder.

Little over the shoulder. Yes!

Another one. Come on.

Perfect!

Okay, great. Now we try a happy one.

Go ahead. Think happy thoughts.

- I got nothing.

- Remember when dad got his arm stuck in the vending machine?

- That was funny. - Yeah.

How 'bout when mom was talking, and the moth flew in?

- Keep going.

- Uh, remember when I almost got fired?

- You almost got fired? - There you go!

There you go! Hold it.

- Why did you almost get fired?

- I don't know, but debra almost left me.

- You are good at this.

- Perfect. Perfect.

All right.

Okay, hold on. Hold on. - Okay. All right.

- Here we go.

that's it!

Feel that. Feel it.

Yeah. Feel the music.

Move it! Yeah!

Give me another one. Turn into me.

Yeah! One more, one more. Turn into me.

Yeah! Okay. Now, you hold it.

You hold it right there, and I'll go. Yeah.

- All right. All right.

What about this? What about this?

- Oh, yeah. Now we're talking.

Now we're talking. Wait. I got an idea.

Here we go. I've seen 'em-- I've seen 'em do this.

- burn baby burn - yeah. Feel it!

Feel it! You're the man.

You're the man! Who is the man?

- I am the man!

- Who's the-- here we go!

You're proud and mr. Cool.

Proud and mr. Cool.

Proud and mr. Cool.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

And go!

Where are you?

Look over here. Look over here now, robbie!

All right. How you feel about nudity?

- I'm fine with it.

- I'm talking about me.

you?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Hello, hello.

- Robert got his pictures back.

- Oh, how did they turn out?

- Pretty good, pretty good.

- I'm so excited. Let me see!

- All right, here. Put them down here, honey.

Frank, get out of the way.

- All righty. - Watch the fingerprints.

- Yeah, yeah, okay. So what do you think?

- Ooh...

- Wow.

- Boy.

Look at those.

- You didn't pay money for these, did ya?

- What are you talking about?

- Well, robert, I think you're very handsome,

But these pictures are kind of...

Lousy.

- What?

- I agree with amy.

You're a beautiful boy, robbie,

And--and these photos don't do you justice.

- And they're kind of out of focus.

- They're not out of focus.

Show me, show me where they're out of focus.

You know, in fact, I don't know anything about photography,

But these are the best pictures I've ever seen.

- Well, what about this one? The top of his head's cut off.

- They're going for something. Open your mind!

- Open the trash, and throw these in.

- What do you mean?

- You know, actually, I'm glad that you feel this way

Because, you know, to tell you the truth,

I'm leaning towards not pursuing this anymore.

- Oh... - What? Why? No.

- Well, I really can't put my finger on it,

But I think that this agency might not be right for me.

- Well, they certainly set you up with a bad photographer.

It looks like they gave the camera to a monkey.

- Enough!

- What's with you?

- You people!

Why do you always got to run down robert and his dreams?

No. No, that's okay, raymond.

This is actually what I want.

- No. No, robert. This is what they want.

God forbid you should feel good about yourself.

You know, this whole family is so negative, and I'm sick of it!

- It's not him. It's the photos.

- It's you!

And you...And you, and you, and even you!

- You're losing me, man.

- All of you, you're giver-uppers

And put-er-downers.

- Ray, where you going?

- I know some sports people,

And they do some modeling, and they have some agents,

And I'd like a second opinion, okay?

So you can all just stay here

In your little suburban suburbia,

Where everything is in focus and nobody's head is cut off!

- Raymond really believes in me.

burn baby burn

- What happened? What happened?

I don't know this man. I don't know this man!

Ooh, you're flying in the cool jet.

Look out. Look out.

You're under arrest! You're under arrest!

- What'd I do?

- I'll tell you-- you stole.

- What'd I do?

- You stole all the cool from the world!

That's what you did. - Oh.

- You stay, I go. You stay, I go.

folks were screaming

Out of control

It was so entertaining

When the boogie started to explode