Original subtitles

- Raymond.

- Hey. What's shakin', bacon?

- Where were you last night?

I thought we were gonna watch

The billy jean king special together on the ess-pan.

- Espn, ma.

I know. I'm--I'm sorry.

I came home, I had the worst headache.

And I just went right to sleep. - Oh.

I made a very special dinner for you last night.

- I know, ma.

It was just-- this headache.

It's like there were two monkeys in there

And only one banana.

- Hey.

Five after 7:00. Morning, marie.

- Were you up all night taking care of raymond?

Because you look terrible.

- Um, yeah. Ray had a headache.

So he went right to bed.

- Right there. That's where it hurt.

Ugh, it was all night.

- Okay. I'll talk to you later.

- All right.

- Oh, your father and I

Are still baby-sitting tonight, right?

- Yep. See you tonight.

- I'm sure I'll see you before then.

- I'm sure you will.

What was all that about?

- I just kind of stood her up last night, you know.

So I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

But I don't have a headache in case

You want a little rise-and-shine action.

Deb, come on. I'm ready.

- Hey, ray, you watch the jets game last night?

- Yeah, I did.

- Horrible game.

- Yep. It was.

- You see the taco commercial

With the lady and the other lady?

- Yeah.

- That part was all right.

- Raymond, how did you watch the game?

I thought you went right to sleep

When you got home from work.

- Yeah, I did. I did.

I had debra tape the game for me,

Because my head hurt so much.

And then this morning, I watched the game,

And that's how I'm able to talk about it with dad.

The end.

Come on. Oh, listen--

New story to cover my "headache from last night" story.

You taped the game for me because of my headache.

I watched it this morning, okay?

- Okay.

Okay, so we're just goin' to dinner and a movie.

We should be back around 11:00.

- Okay, dear. Have fun.

- Hey, ray. Wait.

Put the tape with the game on for me.

- What?

- Yeah, I want to see the taco ladies again.

Put it on.

- You know what?

the vcr is busted.

Twins had a friend over today, and he jammed a toy in it.

- Yeah, that kid, justin-- he's a psycho.

Sorry, dad.

- Hey, kids, stop, stop.

What's with your friend justin?

I don't like troublemakers.

- Okay, boys, let's go up and get ready for bed.

Let's go. Right now.

- Tell him to keep his grubby little paws

Off of anything grandpa uses.

- What?

- Bedtime, guys. Come on.

- Let's go. Come on.

Oh, listen up for a second.

One thing before we go.

Your mommy and I, we told grandpa

That justin broke the vcr, okay?

- Why would you say that?

- Actually, your mother said it. - Ray.

- What? Please, just do this.

- Look, we're just playing a little trick

On grandma and grandpa.

- Yeah. A little trick.

So don't say anything about the trick

Because that would ruin it.

- And then all the fun would be gone.

- Yeah, and you'd be punished. - Ray.

- Okay.

Look, maybe there might be some movie candy in it for you

If you keep it a secret, okay, huh?

You like mike and ikes?

- Okay, you two.

- What? - Come on, let's go.

Pajamas, teeth, stories, and bed.

- Okay. All right, good night, guys.

And be good.

We got to move now.

- Okay. Bye, frank.

- Sorry about the vcr.

- I'll take a look at it, see if I can do something.

- Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, before you do that,

Why don't you check out the washing machine?

The stupid thing is acting up again.

- I'll see what I can do.

Stinkin' piece of japanese crap.

- What are you doing?

- Breaking the vcr.

What? I wanted a new one anyway.

- It was good, though.

Hey. - Hi.

- Hey.

- Go ahead, frank.

Tell 'em about the washing machine.

- Well, it seemed to be working fine.

- Oh, okay. Well, good, good.

- So I took it apart.

You know what your problem is?

This part won't go back in.

- Beautiful.

- Don't worry. I called a real repairman.

He'll be here tomorrow between 10:00 and 2:00.

- Well, good luck to him.

I couldn't fix it,

And I'm the smartest guy I know.

- Hello, raymond.

- What's with you?

- Well, I swung by after work to thank ma.

She dropped off a batch

Of her chicken cacciatore today.

You love ma's chicken cacciatore,

Don't you, raymond?

- Yeah, that's right. I do.

- Well, here. I saved you a little.

- Oh, ma, you made it with the sweet peppers I like!

- And it was just for me and amy.

Oh, and, you know, I'm glad I came by

Because geoffrey told me the funniest thing.

Yeah.

He told me that you two were playing some kind of trick

On grandma and grandpa.

And I couldn't get anything else out of him,

But I have to tell you, it did pique my interest.

So, uh, what's up, tricksters?

- What the hell is goin' on here?

You playing a trick on me?

- No, no, no. It's nothing. It's nothing.

The trick was that, uh...

- We didn't go to dinner and a movie tonight.

- I don't understand.

Why would you play a trick on where you went?

- Because we actually went to a hotel.

You know, with--with the kids,

We never have time to ourselves.

- So we decided to make it a special night...

- Of passion.

- Yes.

We ordered room service and massages and...

Rekindled our love.

- And, you know, just--

We didn't want to say anything,

'cause it's a little embarrassing.

- But the truth is out.

- About our sex.

- Well, how...

Nice for you.

- Don't get any ideas, marie.

- Anyone else want to get the hell out of here?

- Me!

- Okay, thanks for baby-sitting, thank you.

- Okay.

- Sorry about the trick.

- I go to hotels to get away from my wife.

- Good night.

Good night.

- Ooh.

- I feel a little bad.

- Why? You know what?

We're pretty good at this.

- I know.

Maybe a little too good.

- Hey, we wouldn't have to be if it wasn't for your mother.

We're living in a predatory environment.

We have to camouflage.

- Yeah. Whatever.

I just didn't want to hurt her feelings

About last night, so...

I did like that whole "sex in the hotel" part.

- I did too.

When you came up with part of the story,

Then I came up with a part,

Then you, then me.

We had a great little...Rhythm.

It's like our own little sex-capade.

- That's my favorite kind of capade.

- You want to go up?

- Mm. Wow!

This'll be twice in one night if you count the lie.

- Hey, that repair guy's gonna be here

Between 10:00 and 2:00.

Can you wait for him? - Oh, wait.

I got golf with gianni tomorrow.

- Golf? - Yeah.

- Oh, I really need the washing machine.

- Well, yeah, but that's my one day off.

- Well, I can't be here,

'cause I have a doctor's appointment.

All right.

Wait. Ho--

Doctor's appointment?

All of a sudden, you remembered that?

- What are you saying-- I'm lying?

- No. Gosh. Why would I say that?

It's not like you're-- you're great at it

Or love doing it or anything.

- You don't trust me.

- No, I do, I do.

Of course, I do.

- I'm goin' to sleep.

- Aw, come on!

- I have a headache.

- Oh, yeah, right!

You can't use headache today.

I already did it.

- Hey. What's goin' on?

- I'm doing laundry for you at my house.

It was piling up so high,

I started to worry it might fall on the children.

- No, no, no, no. That--that's okay.

We had the washing machine fixed today.

- No, you didn't.

- Hey.

- What's goin' on?

Why isn't the washing machine fixed?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, here's the thing.

The guy, he called back.

He had to reschedule for tomorrow,

But you'll be here, right, from 10:00 to 2:00?

- So the repair guy called back to reschedule

For when you're not here,

And you went golfing.

- I believe that was the order of things, yes.

- Let's go, marie.

I'm starin' at the business end

Of a pair of ray's skivvies.

- Shush!

- Hi! - Hello!

Hi.

- Hey, ma.

Brought back your cacciatore pan,

Licked clean.

- So... Robert told me

About your special evening last night.

So which hotel did you guys go to?

- Oh, yeah. No, no, no. That, uh...

- Actually, amy, it wasn't a great hotel.

- Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't like it.

- We didn't spend that much money

Because ray's so, you know, cheap.

- Well, uh... Wait a minute.

I thought that's how you--you liked it--

Cheap and trashy.

Yeah, because, you know, it was too trashy for me,

But debra said, "come on, ray,

The trashier, the better," you know?

And I'm, like, "what?"

And she's all like, "mm, yeah, trashy!"

- Yeah, I guess it was so trashy

That that's why ray really couldn't...You know.

- Oh, I could. Believe me, I could.

It's just that the mood was ruined

Because debra wanted to-- to--to buy drugs.

- I know you're lying about the repairman.

- Yeah, that's right. I canceled it myself!

And you want to know why?

Because I called dr. Dwight's office,

And surprise, surprise!

You didn't have an appointment.

You were lying like a rug!

- Ray, dr. Dwight is not my doctor anymore.

I switched last year.

You called the wrong place.

- We should go, robert.

- No, no, no.

Everything's fine. Stay.

- So, deb, you're kind of like a naughty party girl, huh?

- No, frank.

- Hey, what's the name of this new doctor?

- Ray, would you stop it? Enough!

- No, no. Come on, the name. Give me the name.

Right now, the name!

- Flowers. Dr. Flowers.

- Oh! Nice try.

Dr. Flowers, huh?

Yeah, sure.

You sure it's not dr. Cabinet?

Huh?

Or--or dr. Scrubby brush?

Ha, ha, yeah!

There's a new sheriff in town,

And he just shot your doctor.

- What's going on here? What's wrong with you two?

- Nothing, ma, forget it. It's nothing.

- Then what's with all this crazy talk?

- Hey, ray, I'm eating the rest of these.

- Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

- You're eating candy? Where did you get these?

- They were stickin' out of ray's pants here.

- This is your pants that you wore last night.

"mike and ikes"?

That's a very big box--

The kind you get at the movies, but...

Debra, you said you didn't go to the movies.

- Right.

We got those at the hotel.

- Yeah, out of the minibar, yeah.

- What is the name of the hotel?

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Why don't you whisper the name to me,

And then we'll see what debra says--

If it's something else.

Come over here.

Come here.

Go ahead.

ramada.

- There was no hotel...

Which means...

That wasn't the trick you played on us.

So then what was it?

- There was no--nothing.

- The washing machine?

Having frank fix something that wasn't broken?

- Yes, that's it!

Ha, ha, gotcha!

- Why, you lousy, big-nosed bastard!

- Where's the trick in that?

And why do you include michael and geoffrey?

Hmm...

- She's picking up a scent. Watch this.

- Why did you rush the kids upstairs?

The vcr. The--

The kids didn't break the vcr.

But why would you lie about it being broken?

- This is great.

I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.

- Because there was no tape for frank to watch...

Which means you did watch

The football the night before,

Because you didn't have a headache.

You lied to me.

You both did.

- Oh, marie, how can you think that?

You are way off, right, ray?

- How did you do that?

- I can put things together.

You think I was born yesterday?

- Anyone?

- Marie, we didn't really like

The chicken cacciatore you made for us,

So we ordered chinese instead.

- Amy!

- When she came over this morning,

I think she noticed the takeout containers.

It was just a matter of time.

- Marie...

- Now we know what little respect you have for us.

- Come on, ma, look, it's no big deal.

It just--it snowballed from one tiny little lie.

- So when you lied right to my face,

You consider that a tiny little lie?

- No, I just...

I mean, debra and I were--

- Don't bring debra into this.

- Yeah, ray.

- Look, ma, I just...

Just didn't want to hurt your feelings, that's all.

- My feelings?

It's obvious you don't want to be with me.

And your tiny little lie

Is actually the one that hurts the most.

- Listen, ma.

About your chicken cacciatore--

Amy was the one who threw it out.

- Robert!

- You threw out my food,

Food I specially made for you?

- Wait a minute.

You didn't make that food for robert.

You made that cacciatore for ray,

For your special night together.

- Ma?

Is that true?

- No, I made two.

- Tell me the truth.

Did we only get it because raymond didn't show up?

- Give me a minute.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

If you didn't eat the cacciatore last night,

Then what did you breathe on me?

- Kung pao. You don't know anything.

- Robbie, I made the cacciatore for raymond

'cause I had planned a very special evening.

There are very important things we had to discuss.

- Important things to discuss?

You told me you wanted to watch a sports show with me.

- Which we would then discuss.

- Bull crap! - Frank!

- She had notes prepared.

They were topics for her evening with raymond.

They were all complaints.

I was one of the categories.

Debra was the rest of the categories.

- You had notes?

- I wasn't even a category.

- No wonder she's so good at finding out we're lying.

It takes one to know one.

- I do not lie. - No?

So if we were to go over to your house right now,

We wouldn't find any notes?

- Absolutely not!

And I would like to say

I can't believe that you're all ganging up

On an elderly woman...

Who hasn't been feeling very well lately.

I need to lie down.

- Ah, you wouldn't, uh-- you wouldn't be going

To destroy those notes, would you?

- Please.

- Wow.

For a sick old lady, she can really move.

- Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

- Hey, hey, where you goin'?

- Over to molly's house.

- Wait, wait, wait! Don't you have homework?

- Oh, we're doing it there.

- Where are your books?

- Oh, they're at molly's house.

She took them home for me

Because she knew we were going there

To do our homework, right, molly?

- Right.

- Okay. Bye.

- She gets that from you.