Original subtitles

- I am impressed. You guys are so manly.

- somebody help. I think I broke a nail.

- Oh! This burn,

It's awesome. Ooh.

- Okay, you know where I was thinking we could put this?

- How about right here?

- Good.

- Thanks so much for doing this, you guys.

And you both know if you ever need anything moved,

You can always call robert.

- It's good to be married, isn't it?

- And peter, coming all the way from pennsylvania

Just to help us move a couch.

- Hey, any day out of mom and dad's house

Is a good day.

- And you know what?

Everyone on the bus really loved my harmonica.

They clapped when I got off.

You guys want to hear a tune?

- I really got to go.

- Yeah, you know what?

I should probably get down to the bus station too.

- Peter, don't be silly.

We should all sit and have dinner and relax.

Come on, ray, you too.

- Yeah, ray. I'll stay if ray stays.

Then it's a party.

- Got to go.

- How about that? Ray had to go.

- Aw. I'll stay anyway.

- Great!

I'll go get dinner started.

slow ride

Ah, ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

You take it easy

Er, ah, ah-ah, er-ah

Well, she's a slow ride

Ah, ah, ah-ah

You take it--

well!

Good morning there, brother man.

hey.

- Why don't you come on over and have a seat?

You know, I figured,

Since I made raspberry waffles yesterday,

That we should probably go low-carb, officer belly.

Oh, so, did you sleep all right?

- Not especially.

- I was out like a puppy in a pickup truck.

I got to tell you,

That sofa is more comfortable than my own bed.

- Mother of god.

- Hey, sis.

- Good morning, boys.

- Chow time.

- Oh! Look how nice this is.

- Hmm.

- Wow, this is great.

- Thanks so much, peter.

- Hey, come on. It's what I do.

So enjoy.

slow ride

Dee dee dee-dee, dee-boo

Dee, dee...

- Mmm! This is delicious.

- So...Peter...

Day three.

- Yeah. You know what he does?

He uses fresh scallions in the eggs.

- Yeah.

Did you--did you notice he was wearing my shirt?

I guess he just went into the drawer

And helped himself.

- Actually, I gave it to him.

- Ah!

- He needs something to wear while he rinses out his clothes.

He only had the one outfit.

- Yeah.

I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob,

Which reminds me, if you go out today,

Pick up a new doorknob.

- Ooh, that's right.

I also gave him a pair of your briefs.

I had to pin them.

- Amy...Um...

Maybe it's just me,

But all you did was ask him to dinner,

And now he's living on our couch.

- Oh, robert,

He's been nothing but nice and helpful

Since he got here.

- I'm sorry. Honey...

I can't live like this.

Okay. What-- what are you doing?

Come--come on. Amy, stop crying.

Please don't cry.

You know I can't stand it when you--

Look! Fruit!

No...You're right. It's my fault.

I know you never liked peter. I never should've let him stay.

But I thought maybe you'd get to know him,

'cause he's really very sweet.

- No, no. I know,

But, you know, you have to admit,

He's a little...

- No...I know.

We all know.

- Then why do we need him here?

- Because he's my brother.

You know, robert,

I make an effort with your family.

I try... Because they're a little...

Too!

- I know, I know.

Okay, stop crying, stop crying, come on.

- Hey! How are the vittles?

Taking care of the old rumbly in the tumbly?

- So, peter...

Have you spoken to mom and dad?

- Yeah. I called them yesterday.

You know what I told them?

I told them how much I love it here.

And they go, "well, when are you coming home?"

And I go, "I'll see you when I see you.

New york is my lady."

- That's great, peter.

What did they say?

- They didn't know what to say.

They're so wrapped up in their little

Puritanical pennsylvanian snow globe of a world.

I mean, this really shook 'em up, man.

- That's great, man.

- Hey, listen, guys, when you're done eating,

Just put the plates in the sink, and I'll get to them later.

Right now there's a mudpack with my name on it!

- Hey! - Hey!

- Hi! - Hey.

- Is that ray?

Hi, ray! Hi, debbie.

- Hi, peter.

So you're back in town again?

- No, no, not again. Still.

- So...Better get going

If we want to eat before the movie, right?

- All right! We could use a night out!

- I-I'm sorry.

I wasn't clear on the arrangements.

I thought it was just going to be the four of us.

- Oh, well...Couldn't it be the five of us?

- Well, sure.

But is that really fair to ray and debra?

Do you guys mind?

- Whatever you want. - Sure, that'd be fine.

- Yeah, yeah. You can go.

- So I guess you're the only one with the problem.

- No, peter. I don't have a problem.

- Seems like you do.

Seems like you do have a problem.

- Robert, peter, please.

- Oh, no, amy, I can handle this guy.

- Are you gonna handle me now?

- Anybody else hungry, huh? Come on, let's go.

- You know something? Amy was wrong about you.

You're not nice, you're not sensitive,

And I'll tell you something else,

You're not a gracious host.

- Get out of my underwear!

- All right. You want it, you have it.

- Hey, hey! - No, no!

- Hey!

Everybody, stay in the underwear that brung ya!

- I'm sorry, amy, but I've had it with him!

- Robert! - No!

We're never alone anymore.

I mean you and I haven't even been...Friendly

Since he got here.

- Robert! - I'm sorry.

I just want to be your friend!

- You know something? Enjoy your movie.

I'm out of here. I'm going back to mom and dad's.

- Finally. - Peter, wait.

- No. I'm walking to the bus station.

You're never gonna be able

To get a bus home tonight.

- Then I'll sleep there overnight.

Nobody judges you on the floor of the bus station.

- You can't sleep down there!

Robert, please, do something!

- All right!

I'll drive him back to pennsylvania.

- Oh, yeah. That's what I need--

You, me, and no witnesses.

- Well, we're not letting you sleep at the bus station.

- agh!

- Well, I'm not staying here.

- Then at least let me drive you back.

- No, amy, you are not driving

All the way to pennsylvania tonight!

You're gonna stay here and be my friend!

- Maybe peter could stay at our house tonight.

- Wait a min--no. No, our house--it's broken.

- Look, he won't go with robert.

He can't go with amy.

He can't sleep at the bus station.

You either drive him to pennsylvania,

Or he sleeps at our house.

- You know, even though your brother and I

Have had our differences,

You and me are totally copacetic, home fry.

- What exit are we looking for?

- Oh, don't worry, you got a while yet.

Oh, boy.

- Hello!

- Oh, peter!

- Oh, mama!

Oh, it's been so long. Mmm.

Let me look at you.

- Hello, ray. What a surprise.

- Hi, hi, mrs. Macdougall. Hi.

It was quite a long drive.

Could I just use your facilities?

- Certainly. Come in.

Right through there and to the left.

There are cherubs on the door.

- Uh, mama, what are you working on here?

- Oh, just tidying up a bit.

- Yeah, mama, but these are all my foghat albums.

What are you doing touching these?

- Pat, you won't believe the filth he's got down there.

Have you ever heard of something called "mad" magazine?

Oh, peter.

my stuff.

what are you doing touching my stuff?

- Well, you see, peter,

We're sort of reconsidering the layout of the basement.

- What do you mean?

- How it would lay out if you were...

Gone.

- So, wait a second.

I-I take off for a week, and you're moving me out?

- We're changing the basement

Into a prayer and bible study room.

- What?

- Well, peter, when you said new york was your lady,

We were a little concerned.

But then we sort of got used to the idea.

- And as time went by, we thought,

"our boy's growing up.

He's ready to be on his own."

- Good luck, son.

- So...That's it?

- I'm sorry, peter,

But we gave your room to jesus.

- Jesus doesn't need a room!

His dad didn't throw him out!

I need my kitty! Where's miss puss?

Miss puss-puss!

She's outside.

What?

Outside? No!

Miss puss is an inside cat!

- Not anymore.

- Oh!

All right. Thank you.

You got one of those seats that keeps falling down.

Don't worry, though. It all worked out.

You're the worst parents in the whole world!

- Okay. Good night.

- Wait, ray!

- You know something?

I don't need to live here anymore!

I'll just go where I'm appreciated, okay?

Oh, and I hope jesus does a good job mowing the lawn!

Ray, give me a hand with these, will ya? Thanks.

- What happened? What's going on?

Where's he going?

- Thanks so much.

- You put the fruitcake back in the box?

- Yeah.

But, uh, turns out nobody likes fruitcake.

- Miss puss? Miss puss-puss?

- Oh, god.

- She scratched me and then ran up a tree.

My parents screwed her up too.

- Peter, I thought you went back home.

- I have no home.

I'm gonna go see if I can get miss puss back

With a saucer of milk.

- What?

what happened?

- Well, your father said

They're going to turn his room into a...

Prayer chamber or something.

- Why doesn't that guy

Just put a steeple on his roof

And call it a day?

- I can't believe it.

- They said that he's a grown man

And he should get on with his life.

- So now he's here to end ours.

- But that just doesn't sound like my parents.

They loved having him there. They did everything for him.

- Amy, dear, you have to understand.

A child is like... A baby robin--

You feed him, you nurture him,

You get him strong,

So when the time comes, he's ready to fly away

And bring you back grand-robins.

And no matter how much you want him to,

Sometimes there's a robin who just won't fly away.

- And before you know it, you got a 40-year-old robin

Who can't lift his ass out of the nest.

- I guess it had been going on for so long

That we all just got used to it, but I know--

- Yeah. A 40-year-old man still living at his parents' house

Is a little weird.

- Well, the boy gets used to certain things...

Your mother doing your laundry for you

And fixing your meals.

- Changing your diaper.

- Taking your temperature the old-fashioned way.

Yeah. They don't do that anymore, right?

They should do that.

- Hey.

this is 2%.

Miss puss will never go for this.

- Rough night, huh?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I heard you all in there laughing.

- I wasn't laughing.

- Oh, yeah, right.

- Listen...Peter...

I know what you're going through.

- No, you don't.

Do you know that if I had come home

Ten minutes later,

I would've had to go through the garbage

To find my blueprints to the batcave?

- Well, I wasn't out of my folks' house ten minutes

Before my dad started putting in a jacuzzi

Where my bed used to be.

- They put in a jacuzzi?

Well, your parents are cool.

- Come look at 'em use it.

Not so cool.

- Man, I just didn't see this one coming.

I mean, every night, my mother would leave

A plate of cookies and a cup of hot cocoa

Outside my door.

Does that say "get the hell out" to you?

- Yeah, they send you all these mixed signals.

My mom was the same way.

With the food-- all the meats and the sauces.

You're all doped up like a bear in the zoo.

You don't want to be there,

But you lose the will to escape.

- Yeah.

Yeah!

- And I thought I was doing them a favor by staying.

- Yeah, me too.

- They want you there

Until they don't want you there.

- You know, I got the raw deal 'cause I was the oldest.

So they made all their mistakes with me.

- Yeah, yeah, me too.

It's like I was the practice kid.

It's like, "oh, oh, well,

Now we know not to drop raymond."

- Yeah, you know, in my house, it was,

"not now, peter. Amy's playing the piano.

Take off your cape and eat your dinner."

- You hungry?

- Man, I am starved!

I tried to get your brother to stop,

But he was driving so fast.

Come on.

I'll bet there's something in the fridge.

- Well, I hear they're looking for people.

- Ma, peter's not even catholic.

They're not gonna let him be a priest!

- I tell you what he should do--

Join the service.

Put a little fuzz on the kiwis.

- You could do it there, of course.

- Debbie, raymond,

I appreciate the generous offer,

But I won't be staying with you tonight.

- Yep. He's coming home with us.

- Really? - Really?

- And tomorrow after breakfast,

I'm taking him by my old building.

- Yeah, robert says his old apartment is still available,

And, apparently,

There's quite an active social scene there, so...

- Robert!

That's a wonderful idea!

- I can't wait to tell miss puss!

- I'm really proud of you.

- Yeah, he's a good kid.

- Come on. Let's go renew our friendship.

- Ahh.

Pays to be nice.

- Those two think their troubles are over.

Believe me, you don't want a relative like that

Living so close to you.

You can never get rid of him.

- Hey. Look what peter left in my car.

He is so annoying.

- He's not so bad.

- No? Try four hours of this.

- Did you rinse that off first?

- Aah!

- Idiot.