Original subtitles

- Aw, come on, make a shot, you moron.

- Dad, come on. The kids...

- Ray, Bernie and Linda just pulled in.

- Hey, you stupid, stinkin' hump!

You're a hump! Hump!

- Dad, Bernie and Linda are here for dinner,

so it's time to go home and yell at your own TV.

- Dinner? What are you having?

- We're having a big bowl of get out of my house, old man.

- All right.

I find you very rude.

- Hey! - Hey-ya, ray, what's up?

Hey, Mr. b!

- Yeah, yeah. I'm goin' already.

- Hi, Marie.

- What's the matter, ma?

- Guess who died.

- Ohh... - Ohh...

- Oh, Marie. Who?

- Guess.

- Ma, nobody wants to play this game.

- Celebrity or real person?

- A real person.

- Male or female? - Female.

- Give me a second here. I'm usually pretty good at this.

- Marie, this is sick. Who is it?

- rose caputo.

- Ohh! - Ohh!

- Damn it, Marie, I was gonna say her!

- Ah, that's too bad.

She's a very nice lady who lives in the neighborhood.

- She was the older lady at the end of the block, right?

Oh, she was nice.

- She made good pies too.

I like pie.

- She was a nice lady.

- All right, let's eat.

- Shame on you!

This lady dies, and this is all she gets?

- Hey, Marie, you two weren't that close.

What are you taking it so hard for?

- Because she was the one, frank.

She was the one I picked for you.

- What?

- I wanted you to be with rose caputo.

- Kinky neighborhood.

- Years ago I decided to pick someone to replace me

if I died before you.

- What do you mean? To marry me?

- Yes. Someone to make you happy after I was gone.

- Oh, that's nice, Marie,

but, uh, I think I'd be happy enough.

Jungle love

it's drivin' me mad

it's making me crazy crazy

jungle love

it's driving me mad

it's making me crazy crazy

jungle love

it's driving me mad

it's making me crazy crazy

jungle love

it's driving me mad

it's making me crazy.

- I don't understand, Marie.

You actually thought about

who frank should be with after you're gone?

- Of course. He needs a wife.

He can't even boil an egg.

I mean, if I go, how's he gonna...

Boil an egg?

- Did Mrs. caputo know

you picked her to be with frank?

- If she did, it would've killed her sooner.

- It's too bad. She was perfect.

Oh, by the way,

the viewing hours are the next three nights

at cannizaro's funeral home.

- Ohh...

Is it gonna be an open casket?

- For rose caputo? I hope not.

- Have some respect, frank.

- How about some respect for the truth?

She wasn't exactly a looker.

- Ma, look. How could this happen, anyway?

What about her husband? Isn't George still alive?

- Yes, but the man is supposed to go first.

- Look, I don't care who you picked for me.

I would never shack up with rose caputo.

There's a big sea out there with much better-lookin' fish.

- Oh, really, frank?

And who are you fishing for?

- Never mind.

- Who, frank?

Harriet lichtmann?

- All right, then, Harriet lichtmann.

- I would never pick Harriet lichtmann for you.

- Why, because that might make me happy?

- You disgust me!

- I don't disgust Harriet lichtmann.

- don't you talk to me anymore!

- Ohhh, Harriet, Harriet.

Oh! Hey!

- Get Harriet to make you dinner!

- Hey, I'm only kidding, Marie!

Make me dinner!

- And that, ladies and gentlemen,

answers the question, "why do we drink?"

- Hello.

- Hello.

- So who would you pick for me if you died first?

- Ohh.

And you say I'm bad at foreplay.

- Come on, ray. I'm just curious.

If you died, who would I get?

- Come on, now you're thinkin' like my mother?

- No. But, you know, you got to admit,

in her own weird way,

it was kind of a loving, caretaking thought.

- Or...

Is it a way to control my father from the grave?

- Come on, ray. Who would you pick for me?

- No. Why? Why do we have to do this?

- It's just an interesting game.

It will show how well you know me,

how much you understand me.

Just play. Just play.

Who would you pick to replace you?

- I consider myself irreplaceable.

- I picked someone to replace me.

- Yeah? Who?

- Margaret Stevens. - Who?

- The kids' preschool teacher.

I think she's perfect for you.

- Perfect?

She's got to be 65 years old!

She's old enough to be my mother!

- I thought you would like that.

- Ahh!

Ho ho.

Yeah. How about I replace you with somebody nice?

Relax, relax.

I was kidding about Margaret.

I picked a good person for you, really.

- Yeah, well, you know what?

don't tell me, okay? I've had enough fun.

- Linda.

- Linda?

Hmm.

Linda.

- See? Didn't I make a good choice?

Aren't I thoughtful?

- Yes. Yes, you are.

- Yeah.

She's the same age as me. She's smart, she's funny.

Good values-- - excellent values.

- Yeah, I just...

You know, I just thought that she--

what are you grinning about?

- What?

- What's with the big smile?

What are you thinking about?

- What? I'm...

I--I guess I'm thinking about the kids

and how happy they'll be with Linda.

- You're picturing her naked, aren't you?

- No, no, no!

No.

- I know she has a good body.

- She does? I never noticed.

- Oh, you are so, so full of it!

I'm not even dead yet.

You're already fantasizing about having sex with Linda.

- I am not! Come on, how can you say that?

- 'Cause I know that dorky face. You're so typical!

All you care about are boobs and butts.

- I couldn't care less about butts!

- Look at you.

You know, we're supposed to go

to the movies with them tomorrow night.

Is that the face you're gonna have?

- I'm not gonna make that face.

I'm gonna make this face.

- Ugh!

How long have you been thinking about Linda like this?

- I haven't been thinking about her!

You're the one who brought her up!

Come on! Leave me alone!

- All right, you're right.

I guess I'm being a little silly.

- All right, it's okay.

- So who would you pick for me?

- Ohh.

Are you even gonna need somebody?

I mean, couldn't you just get a cat?

- Look, I made a thoughtful, unselfish pick for you.

Now you have to pick for me.

- All right.

Uhhh... Okay, well, how 'bout,

if I get Linda, then you get Bernie?

- Bernie?

- Yeah. What? It's perfect.

- Bernie?

- Wait a minute. I know what this is about.

- What?

- He's fat.

- That is not the reason. - Yes, it is.

There's no reason you shouldn't be attracted to Bernie

except for all the extra Bernie.

- I don't even think he's that fat.

- Oh, yes, he is.

He knows it.

We make fun of him all the time.

We call him "blimpy," "hindenbernie"...

"Fat boy."

He doesn't care. He's our friend,

our fatty-fat friend.

- Is that why you picked him for me,

so I wouldn't be attracted to him?

- You see? You admit it. You are shallow.

- You're shallow! I mention Linda's name.

Two seconds later, you're having sex with her.

- You're the one who made up the stupid game!

- It's not a stupid game! - It is a stupid game!

- Oh, you're stupid! - You're stupid!

- Stupid! - Stupid stupid!

I'll show you. I'll die first!

- Deal.

Bye, mom!

- Have a good day. Love you.

- Come on.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, what, you got to glue it on tight,

huh, milk people, huh?

"Oh, look at me.

"I work for the milk company.

I glue things on tight."

Yeah.

- Here.

- Thanks. Sorry.

- Here. Here. Let me.

- Thank you.

How about Robert?

- What?

- Well...

I was thinking about it, and if I died,

I pick Robert to replace me.

What's the matter? Too tall?

- No!

He's your brother,

and he's marrying my best friend.

- Well, you didn't like it when I said Bernie,

so I gave it some real thought,

and knowing you as a person or whatever,

You know, I think I came up with a good choice, Robert. No?

- No. It's--I don't even want to think about it.

It's too creepy.

- It's not creepy.

Here's how it would happen.

The four of us are in Robert's car.

We get in an accident, and Amy and I die.

- That's not creepy?

- No. The beauty of it is,

the way I figure it,

Robert feels so guilty about his driving,

he's rendered impotent.

Yeah. Otherwise, it would be weird.

- Look, I'm sorry I brought the whole thing up.

I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that,

and I overreacted about you with Linda,

'cause she's a great person,

and I totally understand why anyone would be happy with her.

- Yeah, I mean, that's all that was.

- Yeah. I know.

- All right. - All right.

Oh, I almost forgot. Linda called this morning.

She had to cancel our date tonight.

Bernie was up all night with a terrible stomach flu.

He slept on the bathroom floor.

- Stomach flu?

That's a lot of flu with that stomach.

All right. Well, you know what?

Maybe tonight's the night

we should go to Mrs. caputo's viewing--

you know, just get it out of the way.

- Okay, that'd be great.

- All right. I'll see you.

- Okay.

- So we're good now, right?

- Yeah, we're good. Have a good day.

- All right.

Linda. It's Deb.

Hi. Yeah, we did too.

But, listen, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel tonight.

Well, ray was up all night with this terrible stomach flu.

He slept on the bathroom floor.

- We're so sorry for your loss, Mr. caputo.

- Mrs. caputo will always have a special place in my heart.

When we were kids,

she would always call us over

for her home-baked apple pie.

And she would always cut me a slice

just a little bit bigger than Raymond's.

She was a beautiful person.

- Come on, frank.

- Look at her.

That's who you picked for me?

- Sit down here.

- Is that picture before or after?

- Well, it's good to see you, Mr. caputo,

considering the circumstances.

- Thank you, Robert. Nice to meet you, Amy.

- You too.

- All right, that's enough.

- No, I'll tell you when it's enough.

- Oh, hello, Robert.

- Ah, Mrs. lichtmann.

- There she is, Marie.

Ah, Harriet.

- Unbelievable.

Look what she's wearing to a funeral home.

Stop looking.

- And I'll never forget how Mrs. caputo

used to cut me and Robert slices of her homemade apple pie.

But she always used to take me aside

and slip me an extra slice to take home.

- What?

- George.

Oh, George, I am sorry.

I am so sorry.

- Thank you for coming, Marie.

- How old was she? - 82.

- 82? So young. So young.

- I know, Marie.

And I'll tell you something.

You two should enjoy

every moment you have with each other.

- That shut 'em up.

- Hey, hi. Hi.

We came on the same night. How about that?

- Hey.

Oh, ray. I'm sorry--lipstick.

Are you okay?

- Tickles.

- How are you feeling, ray?

- What? Oh, I'm okay.

You know, I hadn't seen her in a long time.

- Oh, no, I meant--

- oh, Mrs. caputo.

Such a shame, right?

Such a nice lady. Right, Bernie?

- Yeah, I'll miss her.

I'll miss her pies.

- Hey, what about you? You look good, though.

You must've got over it pretty quick.

- She was such a sweet lady,

such a wonderful lady, and now--

phttt!

You two should pay your respects.

George is right over there.

- Can I tell you something, George?

My boys loved rose's apple pie so much,

I used to tell her

it's okay to give Raymond an extra piece.

- Hello, George.

- Harriet.

- Well, hello, Harriet.

- Oh, hello, frank.

- Oh. George is free now.

- Hey, Bernie, I thought you were sick.

- Me? I'm healthy as a horse.

You're the sick one.

- I'm not sick.

- You spent the whole night on the bathroom floor.

- I thought you spent the whole night

on the bathroom floor.

- Who told you that?

- Hey, a wonderful lady is in a box over there.

- So you tell people I sleep on the bathroom floor?

If you didn't want to see us, you could've just said so.

- Did we do something to offend you?

- No, no, not at all.

- Then why?

- I think I can explain it.

- I think you shouldn't, ray.

- Debra's jealous.

- Jealous of what? - Of Linda.

- Ray. - And me.

- What? - No, it's not like that.

- Remember the other night

when my parents were talking about future spouses?

Well, Debra and I got into it,

and she picked Linda for me,

and I said "fine."

She couldn't take it.

- Because he wouldn't wipe that stupid look off his face.

- You were picturing her naked, weren't you?

- Bernie!

- No, come on. That's all guys do.

They see a woman, they picture her naked.

- Oh, yeah? You picture Debra naked?

- Huh?

No! No more than you'd picture ray naked.

- Eww!

- "Eww?"

- Yeah, that's right.

I would never picture Bernie naked.

- It's because I'm heavy, isn't it?

I know I have trouble with weight.

I happen to have a glandular problem.

- I picked you for her, but she didn't want you.

- Ray, would you stop saying that?

- Hey, what's with all the noise?

- Just never mind, okay? Mind your business.

We're talking about something here.

- Hi, everybody. Isn't this lovely?

- Debra decided that if she dies,

ray should be with me.

- Yeah, and ray picked me for Debra,

but apparently, I'm too fat!

- That's not true, Bernie!

- Did Debra even consider me?

- Hey, I'm right here!

- don't worry about it, Amy.

Robert wasn't good enough for her either.

- What's wrong with Robert?

- Excuse me; You're gonna have to lower your voices.

- I'm not gonna tell you again.

You stay away from my husband.

- Marie, we were just talking.

- No, you weren't just talking.

You were picturing her naked.

- Get outta my head, woman!

- Let me tell you something, frank.

I don't care what your dreams are,

you are never gonna find yourself

in the arms of Harriet lichtmann!

- And let me tell you something, Marie!

I don't care how many plans you make,

I wouldn't be caught dead with rose caputo!

- Thanks.

We had a good time.

- So who would you pick for me?

- Robert, I don't want to do this.

- Come on. Just for fun.

- We're not even married yet,

and you want to know who can replace me?

- I picked somebody to replace me.

- Oh, yeah? Who?

- Well, what about... Raymond?

- Ray?

- That's my girl!