Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey.

- All right, look, I got to ask you guys something.

I'm in charge of the wedding invitations, all right?

So I have to figure out what it's gonna say

and how it's gonna look.

So these here are the envelope and paper choices,

these are some font samples,

and tissue paper inserts.

- Come on, what are you doing?

- I got to get a draft

to the wedding coordinator lady today

because these have to be in the mail this week.

- Why are you doing all this?

- It's important I play a part

in the wedding planning experience.

- Yeah, just tell me,

can Amy drink a glass of water while you say that?

- Why shouldn't I help?

I mean, it is our wedding.

- Oh, god, you're stupid!

- It's not your wedding, hammerhead.

The wedding is for the woman.

- Yes.

Amy's been dreaming about this day

since she was 12.

Have you been dreaming about this since you were 12, huh?

Have you?

- No.

- That's right-- what'd you call him?

- Hammerhead.

- Hammerhead!

Amy dreams about weddings.

You dream about being late for work

'cause mom's still powdering your bottom.

- That was one time!

What do you want me to say?

I need to do the wedding invitations.

Amy wants me to do it, so I'm doing it.

Come on, help me?

- All right, here's what you do.

You write a version of the invitation,

but you do a horrible job, okay?

She'll see it, do it herself,

and never ask you to do anything else

with this wedding.

You're welcome.

- That's terrible, Raymond.

I'm not gonna intentionally screw it up

just to get out of the work.

- Hey, dummy, listen to your stupid brother.

- Look, look, when we got engaged,

Debra put me in charge of the music.

Okay, so I found a dj.

She wanted a band, so I found a band.

She didn't like the band, so I found another band.

"Nope!"

The truth is, she wanted to do it,

but she just got it in her head

that I should be part of this whole wedding experience,

so you know what I did?

I sent over this guy who sang and played the accordion.

He had a keyboard

with violins and trumpets and drum noises.

His name was "zippers, the one-man wedding band."

Next thing you know, she tells me never mind,

she'll take care of the music.

I sat down, turned on the TV, and never looked back.

- That's a beautiful story.

- When Amy asked when and where I wanted to get married,

I said I wouldn't mind a winter wedding

because of all my, you know, sweating...

And maybe not a fancy-schmancy reception

because of my discomfort around busboys.

- And what happened?

- Spring wedding. Fancy-schmancy.

Eight busboys.

- I'm telling you, man, she wants to do this.

Screw up the invitation, show it to her,

and let her do all the work.

don't you love her?

- Okay, I'll do it.

- Good, good.

All right, let's help him with it, dad.

Come on. All right.

All right, the first line of this thing should be--

- "attention, idiots!"

- No.

No!

I mean, it can't be so bad

that she figures out it's on purpose.

- Oh, right.

You're like a genius.

- All right, well, what's the first line

of an invitation supposed to be?

- Well, I guess it should be something like,

"Mr. and Mrs. Henry and Patricia macdougall

request the honor of your presence"--

- okay, okay, wait, wait.

So instead of Henry and Patricia macdougall,

we make it "Hank and pat."

- Okay, that's good.

"Hank and pat."

Hey, you know what?

Maybe we don't need the "and," you know?

Maybe the "and" is too fancy.

Just make it an "'n'" with apostrophes.

"Hank 'n' pat," you know?

Like shake 'n' bake.

Pork 'n' beans.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Huh? Can we do that?

- We just did.

- Hey, Deb. - Hi, Robert.

- Ray here? - Should be home soon.

- Good, we're gonna watch the Knicks.

- Oh, gosh, that sounds so great.

- Hey, Amy.

- What did you do? - What do you mean?

- What did you do?

The invitations!

My aunt Lynn got this in the mail.

What did you do?

- Oh, my god, this was in the mail?

- What did you do, Robert?

- Nothing, nothing.

This wasn't supposed to go out.

- Wait a minute, what's the problem?

Oh, my god!

- I know!

I couldn't even finish reading it

because someone was screaming,

and then I realized it was me!

- The wedding planner lady

was supposed to print it out for you,

and you were supposed to look it over!

- She said you said sent it out. - No, I said print it out!

- But she sent it out.

- Oh, my god!

- Amy, oh, my god!

- I know! Oh, my god!

- What happened to it?

- Robert! Robert happened to it!

- This wasn't supposed to go out!

- Look at this!

Hank 'n' pat?

'N' pat?

'N' pat!

They're not hillbillies, Robert!

"Hank 'n' pat macdougall

request the honor of your presents"--

- Robert, you spelled "presents" like gifts!

- It wasn't supposed to go out!

- You even put the wrong date!

It's the 9th, not the 6th.

People are gonna show up three days early!

- And, Robert, what is this? "Attire optional"?

- It's black tie optional!

"Attire optional" means maybe naked!

There's going to be nude people!

At the church!

On a Wednesday!

- Wasn't supposed to go out.

- Oh, my god...

You don't want to get married.

- What? No! I do!

Of course I do.

- Then why would you make all these mistakes?

They're so obvious.

You're sabotaging the wedding.

You don't want to marry me.

- No, no!

Of course I want to marry you, Amy.

Oh, all right. don't cry.

don't cry. Come on.

Here, look.

See? Come on.

No. All right.

Listen. Listen.

That isn't why I made those mistakes.

- Then why did you?

- Because--

- Robert...

- Okay.

Okay. All right.

We just thought--

- "we"? Who's "we"?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Me and...

Some of the other guys that were around that day.

Ohh.

- See, we just thought that by me doing the invitation,

it was taking something precious away from you,

so by me doing a bad job at it,

it was meant as a gift to you,

and the lady who sent it out

will suffer!

- So you did this on purpose.

You faked incompetence just to get out of it?

- No, I did it for you as a gift

because you've been dreaming about this

since you were 12 years old,

and I think Raymond could explain it better.

- I look forward to that.

- Oh, my god, I've got to

get the new invitations out right away!

- Let me help you, honey. Let's go.

- Amy, I am so sorry about this.

Let me know if there's anything I can do.

- Thanks.

Just kill ray for me.

- Oh, honey, I will.

- Hey, would it be okay if I just hang--

okay.

- Hey, jelly cheeks!

Got the mail.

Oh, look at this.

Robert and Amy's wedding invitation.

Already?

That Amy, she's on top of things.

- Yeah, hey, open it up.

- All righty.

So how was your day?

- Just dandy.

How's it look?

- Good.

It's good.

- Can I see it?

- I'm not done yet.

Aw, shoot! Ah, god!

Shooty-shoot-shoot!

It's all ruined now. I'll throw it out.

- I'd like to see it, ray.

- All right, let me--

I'll dry it off for you.

Let me dry it off.

Ah! Ah!

Stay back!

Oh, god!

Well, we don't need an invitation.

We know when the wedding is, right?

Anyway, what's for dinner?

Something smells good.

Damn, woman!

- I saw the invitation, ray.

- No, it's burned, and it's down the drain.

- I know what you did.

- What?

What do you mean?

- Robert told us about the help you gave him.

Faking incompetence

so he wouldn't have to do anything

for his own wedding?

Amy's a mess!

- Okay, look, Robert--

he didn't explain it right.

Stupid, stupid, Robert!

It's to make Amy's life easier!

- It's to make his life easier!

You told him to screw up their wedding!

What is wrong with you?

It's their wedding!

Would you have done that with our wedding?

Would you have purposely done some--

the one-man wedding band!

I cannot believe you!

You just scammed me so you could do nothing!

- There was no scam!

No, he sounded great in the subway.

No, I--

hey, it turned out great.

You got a kick-ass band.

Damn, woman.

Ow!

Come on, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

All right, I should've never done that.

I should've never told Robert that stuff.

I'll apologize. I'll call Amy and apologize.

And I should've never hired zippers.

You're right. You're right.

You're right, but I was...

In love!

And when you're in love,

everything sounds like beautiful music.

- Ray-- - like that.

That's like the angels are singing.

- Fold this! - What?

- Fold this shirt! - Why?

- When we first got married and you used to fold stuff,

I would think, "how could he be so bad at this?

Look at all the wrinkles."

And now I know.

You faked it! - What?

- Admit it, you faked it so I would do it for you!

- No, no, there was no fake!

- Then explain to me how you can't fold a shirt!

Explain to me how an adult human with thumbs

is not able to do that!

- I don't know. It's embarrassing.

- Uh-huh, yeah?

What else? What else have you faked?

- Nothing! Come on!

- The bed!

- Now, wait a minute.

That's one place I always give 110%!

- I mean making the bed!

In ten years, you haven't made the bed because

"I'm no good at tucking."

Admit it, you faked it, you faker!

- No!

- What else, ray? Huh, what else?

You don't do anything in the kitchen!

You don't buy groceries, you--

diapers!

Three kids, and you only changed, like,

ten diapers in your whole life.

"I can't do it. The diapers keep falling off."

- It's not my fault the kids have no hips.

- Fold this. - I can't--

- fold it, you fake husband!

Fold it!

- Stop! No! No!

Stop it!

- I have had it, ray.

The jig is up.

- What jig?

Come on, me not being able to do that stuff,

that's not fake.

There's no jig!

I don't have a jig!

Robert!

You try to help a guy...

- Go on, tell Debra what Amy wants.

- Ma, you don't have to follow me around.

I can handle this myself.

- We'll decide what you can handle.

Now talk.

- Amy wants you to look at these bridesmaids dresses

and tell her which one you like best.

- Fine.

You can hang them back there.

- What are you doing, Raymond?

- Believe it or not, Marie,

he's actually doing some work around here.

- Is this his punishment for ruining Amy's invitations

and trying to get out of work his whole life?

Because it's not enough!

- Ow!

Why don't you twist his ear?

- Believe me, I'm already in enough trouble with Amy.

One more mistake, and she's gonna

take my arm off like a puma.

- All right, Marie!

I get it!

You're ticked off at me because of all this Amy crap

even though I tried to talk these two out of it.

- What? Get out of here!

- What?

What are you talking about?

- Now, stop ignoring me and make me some lunch!

I'm feeling...

Pot roasty.

- Make it yourself.

- Myself?

What are you talking about?

- I'm on to you.

You pretend to be a stupid ass

so I can wait on you hand and foot.

It's over.

- Dad, you just gonna take that?

- 45 years.

I had a good run.

- You boys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

It's bad enough that frank and Raymond

have treated us so poorly over the years,

but I will not stand still

and allow another one of my sons to be seduced

by the lifestyle of the bum.

- Could I say something?

- No!

- Marie's right.

You guys just want us to shut up and serve you

so you can watch TV all day long.

Isn't that right, ray?

- I think you're generalizing.

- You don't come home and just turn on the TV?

- It's the exact same thing with him.

He comes home from the lodge, the TV goes on,

and I can't get two words out of him.

- I'll give you two words.

- TV, vcr--

it's all you care about.

I swear, ray, the only time you call me during the day

is when you want me to tape stuff for you

because you're running late.

- Not "stuff."

Games that I have to watch for work, okay?

So I can buy food and electricity

for the children!

By the way, I don't know why I ask you to tape anything

'cause you never do it right.

- Yeah!

- She talks, but she can't figure out the damn vcr!

How hard is it to tape something?

I mean, if I can do it--

faker!

- What?

- You could use the vcr, but you don't want to,

so you pretend not to be able to.

Faker!

- That is idiotic.

- No, it's right-iotic!

Well, the shoe's on the other foot now!

Uncomfortable and smelly, is it not?

- You know what?

I'm starting to think you could shovel the driveway!

- Hi.

- Hey, Amy. - Hi, Robert.

- Hi, I was just doing all the dresses

like we talked about and anything else you want.

- Listen,

I don't want to be mad anymore.

I don't.

- Really?

- I was upset about those invitations,

but they're just pieces of paper.

They're not what really matters.

- I bet we laugh about this one day with our kids.

- Well, maybe the grandkids.

- Isn't she amazing?

We could all learn a big lesson from her.

This is how you treat your significant other.

- What?

- I hate to burst your bubble,

but she's just faking forgiveness

so she can hold it over you for the rest of your life.

Fake!

- I'm not faking.

- The truth is, dear,

you're allowed to be mad at him.

In fact, keeping that anger bottled up

could be bad for your health.

- That's why this one'll live to be 100.

- Amy, you don't have to let him off the hook so easily.

What he did was hurtful,

just like ray and his one-man zipper band.

- He didn't play the zipper.

That was his name.

- Is this what happens?

Is this what marriage has become for you guys?

Robert and I are getting married,

and I want us to be honest and trusting,

and I hope those feelings will only get stronger

the longer we're together.

I'm sorry, I just--

I want to get married

because I know how great it can be.

Maybe it isn't easy,

but I think it's worth going for.

- I think so too.

Come on, Amy.

See you guys later.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- Remember when we were that stupid?