Original subtitles

- Okay, ally, yeah, we'll see you in a week.

Uh-huh.

Well, have fun in connecticut,

And you do what grandma tells you, okay?

- Or you'll be sent back to this grandma.

- No, no, no, honey. Honey, he's kidding.

He's kidding.

- Okay, honey, we love you. Bye-bye.

- Bye. Bye-bye.

- Ray, you're not even packed?

Amy's gonna be here any second.

- - What? I'm packed.

- That's it?

- Well, all I need is my golf clothes.

The rest of the time, I'm gonna be naked,

Letting your eyes enjoy the party.

- There better be booze at that party.

Amy, are you all right?

- I'm great.

I'm on my way over here to drive you guys to the airport

For your romantic getaway.

Of course, I'm able to do that on a Friday night

Because gianni and I broke up.

- Oh, amy, really?

- Yeah? Oh, man.

That's tough.

Should we get going?

- Here's the thing, I kind of had to abandon my car

In this 50-foot snowdrift,

Then walk 20 blocks to get here.

I ruined my new shoes.

I got frostbite on my pinky toe,

And, oh, right before my car battery died,

The guy on the radio said--

Here's the part you'll care about--

The airport's closed.

- Oh, no! - Oh, no!

- Yes, so I lost my car, my shoes,

Not to mention my boyfriend, for nothing.

And I'll die alone with nine toes.

- What was that?

- I think the power just went out.

- Man, you are nothing but bad news today.

- Hey, our heat's out over there.

- Shut the door.

- Yeah.

And we really don't have any food either

'cause we were going away.

- Oh, so you came over because you were hungry.

When the man on the radio said that the airport was closed,

I just assumed you'd care enough

To see if your parents had frozen to death.

But I gues that was too much.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

Stay here with your family, who loves you.

- Yeah.

- Oh, amy,

Such a nice surprise.

- Hi, marie.

Hey, frank, nice fire.

- I like fire.

- Ah, that's good. Ah. Oh, yeah.

- Amy, come here.

You know, there's only so much I can do without electricity,

But I was able to make some ham and cheese sandwiches,

Turkey sandwiches, roast beef sandwiches.

And, of course, there's macaroni salad,

Potato salad, and, of course, regular salad.

Then there's pies and cookies and cake

For dessert.

- Ma, you're two pickles away from opening a deli.

- Mmm, so good.

You guys got to get in on some of this.

- I'm hungry. I am hungry.

- You people don't need food.

All you need is my world-famous spiced rum punch.

- Oh, boy, don't get that close to the fire.

- You know how sometimes your mother's voice

Sounds like an air-raid siren?

- Oh, stop, frank. What's wrong with you?

- Ah.

It's like liquid ear plug.

- Fill her up.

- There you go.

- Let me tell you something, frank.

I put all this together with nothing but love

And a flashlight.

While everybody else is trying to make the best of it,

You have to be a mean old grouch.

- Finished, or do I need to get a refill?

- Oh, I'm finished, all right. I'm finished with you.

- Here's something you don't get on vacation.

- Heads up. Coming through!

Amy.

- Robert.

- What are you doing here?

- I was their ride to the airport.

Then the weather...

- Oh, right, yeah.

I'm kind of surprised I ended up here myself,

'cause usually, you know, Friday night's party night.

- How about the wood?

Yah! Mule!

- Amy, how's gianni?

- Why? Did he say something?

Did he say he broke up with me?

'cause the truth is it was totally mutual.

- Oh...

- Actually, it's fine. It's perfectly fine.

We had fun for a while,

But it turns out he's awful and afraid to be happy.

- I'm sorry, dear.

- Ah!

- Tuck in your shirt.

- Get the hell out of here!

Get!

- You know what I was thinking, what this reminds me of?

- Something sad and cold and boring?

no, silly. No.

It reminds me of our old new year's eve parties.

Remember, frank?

Back when people could stand you?

- Yeah.

- I remember the first time

I got to stay up with the adults.

Ah, it was fun. My first grown-up party.

- Yeah, I remember those.

I remember that was the first time

That I danced with a girl.

Linda visoki.

I remember I worked up a dance move ahead of time.

Oh, god, I thought I was so cool.

- What? Show it to us. - Oh, yeah, come on.

- No! No! No!

- Let's see it. - Come on!

- Oh, show it.

- All right.

I think it went something like this.

♪ here I go

You know you love it!

You got to love that!

- Yeah, I remember linda was institutionalized

The very next day.

- I don't remember you tearing up the dance floor

Back then, big man.

- Oh, let me tell ya, I had the moves, scruffy.

- Do your dancing, robbie.

- Yeah, let's see.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Yeah, right.

- He's like a happy buffalo.

- That's the problem with your generation.

You only think you can dance.

- You're just jealous, dad,

'cause you want a piece of that, huh?

Come on.

- Get out of here with that.

Let me show you something. Let me show you something.

Marie?

- What?

- Get up. Get over here.

- Oh...

Well, okay.

Oh, frank, this is wonderful.

- Take it easy.

- Oh, isn't that great? - That's wonderful.

- Take notes. This is how it's done.

- Whoo!

- Not bad there, old man.

- Look at you.

You ever have a guy dance with you like this?

- Never.

- May I, marie?

I think I can do some good here.

- Okay, but just for a second.

- Whoo!

- Don't worry about a thing, amy.

You're in good hands.

- This is wonderful, frank.

- Okay, okay! It's my turn again.

- Please, marie, she's waited her whole life for this!

- All right, boys, one of you boys dance with me.

- All right. Come on!

- Hey, I'm getting lonely over here.

- I got something for you too.

- No, I want frank.

- Amy, do you mind?

- Not at all. Thank you so much.

- All right, watch the hands, there.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm talking to debra.

- Okay. Frank's got debra.

Now I'm gonna dance with you,

And everyone else pair up however you want.

- Oh, frank, this is just great.

- Not bad, huh? - Yeah.

God, I can't believe

I'm actually having a good time with you.

- What?

- What? No, no, I just meant--you know.

- No, no, I don't know.

- Oh, frank, come on! Come on.

Frank, no, it's just...

You know, normally you're-- I don't know.

It's like, on a night like this,

I thought I would be searching for the escape hatch, you know?

Oh, frank, come on! Hey.

Frank. No.

No, this is nice!

Where you going? No, frank, don't go!

- Frank, come on!

Please come in!

He's just standing out there.

- "I can't believe I'm actually having a good time with you?"

Why would you say that, deb?

- I was tryign to say something nice.

It just came out wrong.

- Not just wrong. Mean.

- You know, I'm going to go out there and talk to him,

Try to get him to come back inside.

I can't believe I said that.

- I can.

- What?

- Oh, nothing.

- No, what, marie?

- Well, dear all knew that eventually

One of those thoughts would slip out.

- One of what thoughts?

- You know, that you think you're better than us.

- What?

- Better than who, exactly?

Just--just you and dad, or all of us?

- All of us.

- Marie, I said something stupid to frank,

But that doesn't mean I think I'm better than him.

- Methinks thou doth protes--

- Oh, don't say, "methinks thou doth protest too much."

- All right, I won't say it...

But methinks it.

- I don't know, ma.

I think you're making way too big of a deal out of this.

- Yeah, what she said to dad,

She was just surprised how different he was acting.

He was all delightful and--

- Kind of sexy.

I don't know anymore.

- Well, I've always been aware of this feeling of superiority,

And now that you've made it so obvious,

Maybe it's best if I'm the one to go out and get that dear man.

- "dear man"? Something's loose.

- Wait a minute, marie.

I can't believe you, of all people,

Are accusing me of acting superior.

- Here. Here you go.

- I don't want that.

- All right.

- It's all right, dear.

I understand.

You grew up in an upper-class family.

You went to a private school, a fancy college,

And that's not who we are at all.

Robbie didn't even go to college.

- I always enjoy when we can bring that up out of the blue.

- And it's natural for you once in a while to think,

"oh, those lower, middle-class barones."

- Marie!

- It's okay, dear, you can't help it.

It's in your blood.

- I grew up in connecticut, for god sakes,

Not buckingham palace.

- You see?

Now, why you'd even think to refer to buckingham palace--

- Hey, hey, listen!

- Ah, come on, you two, don't make a thing.

Just get to the hug and have a sandwich.

- Marie, wait a minute.

Do we always see eye-to-eye? No.

But that's because we're different,

Not because I think I'm better,

Just different.

And you have to remember, you're the tight-knit family.

I was the outsider,

And I've always thought that, in most ways,

I was the same as you guys,

But I guess...

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way.

I'm gonna go get frank.

- Come on.

- What?

- Come on. We're just different than you?

We're like the front porch of the nut house.

- Hey!

- How could you not think you're better than us?

It would be weird if you didn't.

- Raymond!

- I'm just trying to prove your point, ma,

Because you're right.

- Well, okay, then.

- No, she's not right! Ray, what is wrong with you?

- As if you don't know.

- Wait.

Are you drunk?

don't be preposterous.

- You are.

- No, he's fine. Go ahead, raymond.

You were saying I was right or something.

- You don't think you're better?

You're not better than frank barone?

You think that my father, a known baboon's ass...

Is your equal?

- Yes.

you guys buy that?

- It does seem a little hard to believe.

- I mean, frank is disgusting.

- I thought he was sexy, so I got my own problems.

- This is stupid.

I'm not gonna do this.

- See, now we're stupid.

- I didn't say that, marie.

Look, we all know frank can be gross.

That doesn't mean I'm better.

- No? How about robert?

- Hey, hey, wait, wait.

- No, robert, let him talk. Go ahead.

- Robert's weird.

He doesn't like to go out to eat

Because he has a fear of busboys.

He can't carry his dollar bills facing each other

Because it would be like they're kissing.

- That's just quirky.

- Yeah? Quirky?

He separates his good 'n plenties

Into "goods" and "plenties."

Right? Which one is which again?

- Never mind.

- No, no, go ahead. Go ahead.

- The pinks are the "goods,"

And the whites are the "plenties."

'cause there's always more of them.

And they're not as good.

And then there's a third category of "irregulars."

- And they're called...

- "cuties."

- I rest my case.

- Very good. Now do me, raymond.

- You.

Where do I begin?

Judgmental!

Childish!

Meddlesome!

A world-class buttinsky!

I mean...

- You don't think you're better than this?

- No, I do not.

- Now she's just being stubborn.

- What about you, raymond? You're bad too.

- Listen, I might be the worst!

Debra's got to live with me

Day in and day out for the rest of her life!

- Not too thrilled about that right now.

- And could you be?

Do you remember about a week ago, you came home,

And I was supposed to be babysitting or something,

And I was just zonked out on the couch with the tv going?

And I had pizza sauce kind of all down my chest,

Which wouldn't have been that bad...

If I had been wearing a shirt...

Or eating pizza.

And do you remember how I greeted you that day?

Hmm?

Hey, baby...

The kids are asleep, and I'm halfway to naked town.

Me.

- Oh, god. Okay! Okay!

What do you want me to say?

That I'm better than you? Fine!

I am better!

I was right!

- Yep! Yep! You got me!

You know, I was never sure if it was true,

But this, tonight...

I really have to thank you all.

'cause you've made it crystal clear--

You're all nuts!

- Good job, man.

- That was wonderful.

- So you're happy that I think I'm better than you?

- Not happy.

I'm just glad we got this out.

It's good to know.

And now we know.

and now we know.

And now we sit.

Because we know.

- I really need a vacation.

Hey, frank.

Nice shot.

- Back in the day,

I could take out the window of a milk truck at 30 yards.

- Hey, listen, I'm sorry about what I said before.

I really didn't mean it.

- Eh, don't worry about it.

- No, I was mad about our trip,

And I hurt your feelings.

Listen, if it's any consolation,

It's been horrible in there since you left.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- You know, I guess I got mad, 'cause...

I always thought it was you and me

Against all of them in there.

- What?

- I--I mean, like, you and me,

We're not like them, you know?

- Oh, yeah.

I guess.

Maybe...

- No, trust me, we're not like them.

They're loonies.

- Enough already with this music.

It's making me feel dusty.

Oh, my god! Yes! Yes! I love this song!

- ♪ jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪

♪ it's making me crazy, crazy

- Amy! Amy! Jungle love!

Remember when they played this at the policemen's ball?

Whoo!

- ♪ you treat me like I was your ocean ♪

- This is dancing?

- They'll wear themselves out,

Then the floor is all ours.

- ♪ protect you and keep you from harm ♪

♪ you live in a world of illusion ♪

♪ where everything's peaches and cream ♪

♪ we all face a scarlet conclusion ♪

♪ but we spend our time in a dream ♪

♪ jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪

♪ it's making me crazy, crazy