Original subtitles

- I had an amazing night last night.

I was at the sports bar,

And I met this really, really hot woman.

- Hot woman, yeah?

So get to the part

Where you notice her adam's apple.

- Believe me, she's all woman, okay?

Her name's natasha.

She's pretty. She's got a great personality.

I'm telling you, raymond, we really hit it off.

- Yeah, all right.

So then what happened, you ran out of singles?

- Will you stop? Will you just stop already?

I'm telling you, she really liked me.

There was just one little problem.

- What?

- Well, it--it's really not a problem,

Shouldn't even use the word "problem."

It's just a minor, minor, minor thing.

- All right! What?

What? What is it?

- She thinks I'm you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You met a woman who thinks that you're me?

- Yeah, well, I'm at the bar, right?

And she spills her drink on me,

And we start talking,

And I'm telling you, we really connected.

I was actually quite charming.

And the bartender passes me a towel, right?

And he goes, "uh, here you go, mr. Barone."

And we're in a sports bar,

So she just assumes

That I'm ray barone from "new york newsday!"

- And you didn't correct her?

- She seemed so happy to meet you.

She's a big fan of yours.

- Yeah, but listen, you can't--

Whoa, a hot woman is a big fan of mine?

- I couldn't believe it either.

- Did she mention any particular column?

- Well, she did say something about a cal ripken profile

Just before we...

bah-bah bah-bah bah-bah!

- No! No!

Come on, first night?

- Big fan.

- Ha!

I did get a lot of good feedback on that piece.

- You certainly did.

- Hey, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

If she knows my writing,

Then she must know I have a wife.

- Had. Had a wife.

- You said I was divorced?

- Widower.

- You killed debra?

- Had to be done.

But don't worry.

You stuck by her through a very long illness.

You were wonderful.

Oh, and just so you know, you never had any children.

- What?

- I couldn't leave any loose ends.

- Hey, look, man, you got to set her straight.

This is not right what you're doing.

- I know, but I really like her,

And I don't want to blow this, you know?

I just have to pick the right time to tell her.

Got to lay the groundwork.

- All right, but just make sure that you do it,

Because it's wrong, man.

It's wrong what you're doing.

- I know. - All right.

So how hot was she?

- Oh, raymond, so out of your league.

- Oh.

Oh, I love when they're out of my league.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

Let me ask you,

While you were--

Did she say my name or anything?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I cross over some moral line, ray?

- All right.

Just suffice to say she was really into you.

- Oh. Great.

I finally have sex. I'm not even there.

- She was a dynamo!

- Oh, really? - Oh, yeah.

- How was I?

- So-so.

- Hey, what are you doing to me?

This was sent to my office.

Come on.

"to the beginning of a wonderful romance.

Love, natasha."

Oh, I can't have this there. It's like a time bomb.

- All right. Thanks for bringing it over.

Bye-bye.

- Well, I get at least two of these brownies.

- No, the brownies are for me, thank you.

- Well, come on. I brought the thing over.

- I'm heading for work now, so I'll see--

Oh, hi. - Hi.

- Natasha,

This is my brother, robert.

Brother robert, this is my friend natasha.

- Well, it's so nice to meet you, robert.

Ray has said so many good things about you.

- He has, has he?

- Oh, you should hear how he brags about you.

"what a great cop robert is." you're like his hero.

- Aw. Ha.

Ray.

- He's told me all about your commendations

And your promotions.

- Really? Yeah.

Yeah, that's no big deal.

They give you those just for showing up.

Yeah.

- Yeah, but ray said you were wounded in the line of duty.

- Oh, oh, oh, yeah. He told you that?

Yeah, that was actually kind of stupid.

I, uh--I allowed myself

To get gored in the ass by a bull.

don't be so modest.

First of all, he was saving people.

And it was actually the upper thigh.

- No, no, no, no, right in the ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really, really stupid.

And I still complain about it.

- Oh, will you stop it?

Stop being so funny.

Everybody thinks I'm the funny one.

He's the funny one.

This guy is a crack-up. You're a great cop.

Get out of here.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, you know, I'm an okay cop,

But I would rather be a great writer

Like my brother, raymond.

I mean, he's a cultural hero.

- You're out of your mind. I'm just a scribbler.

- A scribbler, yeah.

Did you happen to see the profile of cal ripken, jr?

- Oh, I loved that piece.

- Really? Yeah, me, too.

Me too. - What about you?

Robert's planning a clothing drive

For the police athletic league.

He just can't stop with the giving.

- I don't believe you two.

- No?

- I've never met two brothers who get along so well

And admire each other so much.

It's unreal.

- It is unreal.

- Well, somebody raised you right.

You must have amazing parents.

- Yeah.

They would amaze you.

- I got to go.

I hope to be seeing you again, robert.

- Oh, yeah! Yeah, right, right.

- Oh, how did this get here?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Robert brought this over.

He stopped by my office this morning

And delivered it here.

Always thinking of me.

- Mm.

Hey, ray, could I get one of those brownies?

- Certainly. - Oh.

Thanks, ray.

That's funny. Ray does that chin thing too.

- Hmm, yeah, we're both idiots, 'cause we do that.

- That's cute. That's cute.

I'll see you later, ray.

- Mm.

I swear to god

I was gonna tell her last night.

I just want to make sure that she knows

What a great guy robert is, see?

I'm trying to get her to fall for me.

- Yeah, like she's gonna dump me for you?

- You watch. I'm slowly making the transfer.

I build up who robert is,

The kind, compassionate police officer,

And I downplay the shallow, heartless sportswriter

Until she says, "gee, ray,

I wish you were more like your brother,"

And then, ta-da!

- Ta-da? You're a psychotic liar.

Come on. Just tell her the truth.

- I'm gonna. - Tonight.

- But there's groundwork.

- Psychotic! - All right!

I'll tell her tonight.

- All right.

She is pretty, though.

- What'd I tell you? - Mm.

Way out of my league.

- Mine too. - Yeah.

You know, it's like neither one of us

Could've gotten her on our own, but--

- But melded together,

We were like a whole other entity,

Like a superhero.

We were better than just ray.

- Better than just robert.

- We were

Raybert.

Come on. You were on your way out anyway.

You can't help your brother

With his laundry down the stairs?

We're raybert.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, raybert.

What the hell you got in here anyway?

- Just some socks and unmentionables.

- Yeah.

Too bad they're not unsmellables.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You know her? - Yeah, right.

- Hey, let me help you sort some of this stuff out, ray.

- Excuse me.

Do either of you have change for a dollar?

- Uh, no. No, I don't.

But you know what?

My brother, ray barone, probably does.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You probably do, right?

He's a top sportswriter over at "newsday."

So what do you say?

Can you help her out, ray barone?

- I think I might have change.

- Oh, yes.

Top writer at "newsday" is gonna have plenty o' change.

- Thanks.

So this guy must be the president of your fan club.

no, no, no.

Yeah, no, I'm just his brother, robert, that's all,

You know, but I am proud of his accomplishments.

Yeah. You bet I am.

But you two go back to what you were doing.

You work out that change thing. Yeah, go ahead.

- So you're ray barone?

- Uh, yes. Yes, I am.

- My father loves your column.

- Well, thank you.

- So does my father. Yeah.

And his father, 'cause-- 'cause we're brothers.

Yeah, all right. Let's do laundry.

- Hey, hey, it works. Raybert works.

- All right, but I like natasha.

- Oh, you can't tie raybert down like that.

- Hey, raybert may be two guys, but he's a one-woman man.

- Come on, I just want to see what happens.

- Thanks for the change.

You're welcome.

- So you--you're using number seven.

There's a great agitator in there.

- Okay.

- Listen, you know, tell your dad

If he ever wants to talk sports,

I'd be happy to.

- That's so nice. Thanks.

I'm wendi.

- I'm still ray.

- Right.

I'll see you around the building.

- Okeydokey. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh, god!

- Ray.

- Oh, I got to tell you,

That was wild watching that.

It's like I invented a world where ladies want ray!

- Bert! Raybert!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, raybert, raybert, raybert.

Hey, listen, you-- with your availability

And my mystique, we--

We're unstoppable!

- All right, but you have to understand,

We may have unleashed an awesome power here.

But with that power comes responsibility.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to start working on my wardrobe.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm natasha. Is robert here?

- Uh, no, not at the moment.

- Well, I met him this morning, and I just--

- You met robbie?

- Yes.

- Did you like him?

- Sure, he seems very nice. - He is very nice.

I'm his mother. - Marie.

- What?

I'm interested in my son's friends.

What's your last name, natasha?

- Leonetti.

italian!

- Well, on my father's side.

- Good enough! Come on in, dear.

- I just wanted to drop off some things

For the police clothing drive.

- Okay.

I mean, you're more than welcome to leave them here,

But you might do better taking them to his place.

- Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't robert's house.

I saw "r. Barone" in the phone book.

I just assumed-- - it's okay.

We'll make sure that he gets them.

- Thank you. Thank you.

It was nice meeting you. - You too.

- Well, hello.

- Hello.

- Frank?

Frank, this is robbie's new friend, natasha.

- Natasha.

Well, any gorgeous friend of robert's

Is a gorgeous friend of mine.

Where is ray? I want to see his dead toenail.

I think I got the same thing.

- Uh, ray's here?

- Oh, yes, he's upstairs putting the kids to bed.

- Kids? What kids?

- How do you--

Wait, how do you know ray?

- We met at a bar.

- What do you mean? Through robert?

- No, no, no, I met robert through ray,

'cause ray and I are kind of dating.

- Holy crap!

- Wait a minute. What?

- Is there a problem?

- Um, no, there's no problem.

I'm just surprised

That my husband has time to date.

- What? You're his wife?

Ray said you were dead!

oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- Holy crap!

beach baby

Beach baby down on the sand--

- Shame on you, young man!

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

- Didn't I teach you anything?

You got a problem with your woman,

You don't go out and get another woman!

Now all you got is two problems!

- Just wait a minute!

- Okay, just back it up, everybody.

- Robert, what is going on?

- That's not robert. That's raymond.

- You're not robert?

- Okay, look, if you just let me talk,

I can explain everything.

I am robert.

- Wow, that is one bad alibi.

I come to fix sprinkler.

- What's your name?

What's your name?

- Man, let me show you where that water valve is.

- Ray.

- Sorry, man.

- It's all right. Forget it.

I am robert barone, lieutenant, nypd,

And this is my brother,

Raymond,

Sportswriter, "newsday."

- How could you do this to me?

- When you first mistook me for raymond,

I didn't want to let you down.

- So you lied to me?

I have to get out of here.

- No, no, wait, natasha,

Listen.

I was gonna tell you so many times.

It's just that I really liked you,

And I didn't want--

You see, people seem to respond differently

To raymond.

He's always been the funny one,

The smart one,

The favored one.

- We've never shown any favoritism.

- See, you got to understand

I've always wondered

What it would be like to be raymond.

And it was even better than I thought it would be

Because I met you.

- I can't believe this.

You didn't have to do that.

I liked you.

- Really?

- Not anymore.

This is so humiliating.

- I hear you.

- And what did you think,

I was some ray barone groupie?

You know what?

Good-bye, whoever you are!

It's not you.

It's that she said, "ray barone groupie."

- All right, dad.

- That's got to be a pretty small group.

All you got left is her.

I'll say this, robert.

You're scaring off a better class of broad.

- Always there for me, dad.

- He's right.

Why won't you let me help you, robbie?

- He should be able to help himself.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You have to pretend to be somebody else?

I mean, please, how old are you?

You have got to have a little more self-esteem!

- You're right. I'm an idiot.

- Yes--no! That's--no!

That--that's what I'm talking about.

When are you gonna see

What other people see in you, robert?

- I know. I know.

It's just it started as a mix-up,

And then raymond and I

Just started having so much fun with it.

- Wait a minute.

Ray and you?

- By "ray," he means him 'cause of that thing he did.

Yeah.

- No, no, no, no, I'm not blaming you, ray.

I mean, it's my fault. I enjoyed being raybert too.

- Raybert?

- Yeah.

That's what we called us. It was fun.

And it worked.

There was natasha

And then the girl in the laundry room.

- The girl in the laundry room?

I go fix sprinkler now.

- Oh, good, he's here.

Dad, this is ray barone.

- Um--

- That's not ray barone.

- What? - I've seen him in interviews.

- Listen--

- This guy told you he was ray barone?

- Yeah.

- What are you trying to pull?

- You're not ray barone?

- I have self-esteem issues.

- What is wrong with you?

- No one knows.

- Stay away from my daughter, understand me?

Or I'll call the cops.

- Actually, I am a cop.

- You want to play with me now?

Let's go.

From now on, you do your laundry at home.

- Weirdo.

- That doesn't help my self-esteem!