Original subtitles

The best way to catch an immigrant

is to be an immigrant. (chuckles)

Oh, these guys got no idea that la migra

is la-mongst 'em. (giggles, snorts)

(snoring)

Where the hell am I?

Where'd you get the van?

Let's just say magic was involved.

I wish you could use magic to bring Mom back to life.

I could.

(screeches)

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

Whoa!

SANCHEZ: Good morning, Mexifornia. Our top story:

Drought and record temperatures continue to fuel

the raging wildfires north of Mexifornia.

And unfortunately, some escaped chimpanzees

stole Mexifornia's only fire truck.

(screeching, whooping)

(loud crash)

No...!

My bagel was in there!

Coming up: do your children know what to do

in the event of a fire? Mine didn't.

When will people wake up to the reality of climate change?

It's the biggest problem facing our world today.

Not according to Oil Illustrated.

I ain't afraid of fire 'cause I can control it with my mind.

You hear that, undercooked bacon?

And all it cost me was my stupid soul.

¡Fuego! ¡Fuego! ¡Fuego!

¡Muy caliente!

Oh, no! Fire? Luckily, I can't burn.

The lady from my high school said I'm retardant.

Don't worry, Maria, after last year's fire scare,

I installed an advanced sprinkler system.

In case of fire, I just pull this lever.

It was expensive, but luckily I found that treasure.

Oh, I-I mean sprinklers...

Uh, nothing! Gotta go!

(door opens, closes, rapid footsteps)

(engine starts, revs)

(tires squeal, engine roars)

SANCHEZ: Firefighters continue to try to contain

the wildfire burning outside of Mexifornia.

Everybody, pack up and go home.

This fire's getting close,

and I've been called to the front lines.

Steve, what the hell is that stuff?

I'm a Hot Shot. It's an elite firefighting unit.

You have to fill out an entire form to sign up.

Well, most of a form.

Okay, there's no form.

Welcome to the Hot Shots.

God, Buckwald, one of these days

you got to fix your tailpipe.

Look, Gary, we're not all made of money like you

'cause our wives died in a plane crash.

Just stop bragging about it.

Come on, Buckwald, that's over the line.

(engine chugging, clanking)

Hola, Bud. Need any help

getting your yard ready for the fire?

No, I don't need your help!

Every year there's a fire, everyone evacuates,

and it ends up being nothing-- like when Janice said

it was gonna rain and I said it wasn't,

so I didn't roll up the car windows,

and our car got stolen, so it didn't matter that it rained.

Well, I hope you're right, Bud, 'cause if my house burned down,

we'd probably have to move back to Mexico!

(engine starts)

(gasps) It's heaven!

You're mine now!

No, this doesn't count as a dream!

Yes, it does! (grunts)

SANCHEZ: As the fire continues to rage unchecked,

officials have asked any birthday boys and girls

to report for blowing-it-out duty.

(exhaling)

I don't want to be seven anymore!

Shut up and blow!

I'm getting an update that shifting winds

have caused Mayor Paulson

to call for the immediate evacuation

of all Mexifornians.

I ain't goin' nowhere!

This fire's gonna blow right past us,

just like it always does.

But, Bud, we're not safe here. Calm down, Janice.

Remember how hysterical you got

over my part monkey, part bee, part scorpion pet?

And Mr. Nubbins-Stingy-Claws is doing great.

Isn't that right, buddy?

(snarls) How did you get Gert's gun?!

Okay, I think that's enough for the calendar.

(beeping)

Aah! But we should probably get out of here!

(screaming)

Thanks for the suitcase, Maria.

You forget you don't own one when you never take a trip.

Well, if Bud is too stubborn to leave,

it'll be his own fault if he dies.

You and the kids can evacuate with us.

Okay, I packed all the family keepsakes.

Why did you only pack family photos

with my cousin Yolanda in them?

Whoa, come on, baby,

let's fight fire, not each other.

(dog barking in distance)

Come on, kids, the Gonzalezes are waiting.

Bud, as your friend, come with us!

You can tell that story again about the training camp

you bombed during the first Gulf War.

It wasn't a training camp, you idiot-- it was a school!

And technically, the war had been over for six months.

If you're gonna butcher the details of my heroism,

I'd rather you not bring it up at all.

(indistinct chatter)

I'm glad you kids are safe, but I'm worried about Bud.

How do you know we'll be safe?

We're still in the path of the fire.

Don't worry-- town officials

know what they're doing.

Welcome, everyone.

We'll likely be here for some time,

so for your entertainment, here's Great White!

♪ ♪

SANCHEZ: The work of brave firefighters and shifting winds

have diverted the path of the fire away from town,

bringing the number of ongoing emergencies in Mexifornia

to a comfortable seven.

Ha! I knew we were perfectly safe.

Luckily, there's a lump on my testicle that throbs

whenever there's nothing to worry about.

(wind whistling)

(cheering, whooping) We did it!

♪ ♪

MAN: Not the Fireworks Depot!

(fireworks exploding, people screaming)

Mexifornia has once again escaped wildfire,

with the exception of what appears to be

a small pile of abandoned pallets.

Those aren't pallets-- that's our house!

Oh, my God! Bud is in there!

Dad can't die! Who's gonna walk J.C. down the aisle

at our gender-reversed wedding?

I told you, I didn't want that!

This wedding is my day!

I'll go back for Bud. You stay here.

No, Ernesto! It's too dangerous!

Maria, every man I've ever tried to save has died.

I need to break my streak.

Sir, no one's allowed to leave the evacuation center.

(crack)

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Baby Stomper.

Finally, some peace and quiet so I can watch my favorite show.

Welcome back, Dex Recker.

Thanks, Mr. President. I went back in time

and stomped on Karl Marx as a baby.

Now the Russian Revolution and Cold War never happened.

Well, since that person died as a baby,

I, of course, don't know what you're referring to.

(loud crunching) Oh, my God, what's happening to me?!

Oh, no! A bad guy must have stolen my time machine,

and he's stomping on baby you!

♪ ♪

Finally, someone's done a show

about baby stomping right.

Hola, unconscious Bud.

Bud, wake up! The roof... (coughs)

the roof... (coughs) the roof is on fire!

(strained grunting)

Damn it, Bud, you're too hard to lift!

Oh, cool, you have a handle.

Damn it, Bud, fight! Come on!

(vacuum cleaner whirring) (coughing)

Oh, not now, Ramon.

My wife can see us.

(birds chirping)

Oh, Bud, I'm so glad you're okay!

Well, I'm lucky to be alive.

And I owe it all to one man.

Whitney Houston said the greatest love of all

is learning to love cocaine,

but it's not-- it's Ernesto.

Hola, Bud. Want to join me for a cerveza?

No. Today I'll be offering you a cerveza.

That's a chicken, Bud.

What you did for me yesterday not only saved my life,

but it was the nicest thing anyone's ever done.

It's opened my eyes and allowed me to see

what's been right in front of me all along.

You are my best friend. Oh. Thank you.

I think of you as a friend, too. I said best friend.

(whispering): What's the longest you've ever hugged a man?

Let's triple it.

We could just leave our families and go.

All right, Ernesto, now that we're best friends,

I want to introduce you to my favorite show.

It's called Baby Stomper.

It's a boy!

Happy birthday, Dex Junior!

You're future me!

Our baby will grow up and blow up the planet!

Sorry, Dex, but you know what has to happen.

Don't be sorry-- it's the business we've chosen.

♪ ♪

Hey, buddy, can I get you anything?

Another beer? Gracias. You know,

I'm so glad we're friends now, Bud. Yeah, me, too.

Hey, thanks for letting me use your bathroom the other day.

I loved using your big Mexican cloth toilet paper.

You mean our hand towels? "Hand towels."

Look at me-- I know Spanish!

It's so nice to see Dad and Ernesto

finally getting along.

Hola, Daddy. Don't forget about me.

I can save lives, too.

I got you, Dora.

Sanford says she's a cheap knockoff,

but that ain't true.

I'm Michael Cera,

and I'm happy to have this voice-over job.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Superman II for Gardeners.

Kneel before Sod!

Ernesto, why are you spending so much time with that jerk Bud?

Why not? He's a nice guy.

Because a good Mexican doesn't befriend la migra!

He also only farts once every six months.

(booming fart)

(squeaks)

I remember when my farts used to make sounds.

Who's ready for my world-famous tamales?

Not tonight, Maria. Tonight you get the night off.

I made tacos!

How did you get in our house? Oh, it doesn't matter how.

It just matters that it was easy and none of you are safe.

Bud, Maria spent hours on those tamales,

and these are just bent Frisbees with dirt in them.

Now, hold your donkeys there-- I know you're excited.

But first we got to say grace.

Dear Mexican God, please bless us

with bouncing cars and barbells for our garage.

And may motorists desire oranges while driving,

so that we may prosper at busy intersections.

Did any of your relatives die recently

so I can pray for their soul?

Guillermo. Oh, that's too hard. I can't say that.

(audience laughter)

Thank God the Mexifornia wildfire is finally out.

If it had survived five more weeks,

Republicans would have claimed it was a person.

Hey, easy on the abortion jokes.

My dad's a coat hanger.

J.C., what's wrong?

(sighs) That fire scare shook me up. We could have died, Becky.

There's so much I never would have gotten to do.

Like have a child and raise it to be gay. I know.

I've spent my whole life in this town.

Heck, we've only dated each other.

Do you think we're depriving ourselves of a life experience

by not dating other people?

Maybe we are.

Remember that time we tried heroin?

Now we've got a fun addiction that we can do together!

Oh, by the way, we're out of heroin. Becky mad!

Well, I guess if seeing other people

will make us feel more secure about our choice,

then our marriage will be even stronger.

Let's give it a shot!

(both autodialing)

BOTH: Darn, I tried to call Amy, but it was busy.

Oh, you want to date women now?

Ernesto, what are you hiding from?

Just trying to get to my truck without Bud accosting me.

Sorry, Maria, you were right about being friends with him.

Hola, Ernesto.

(chuckles) Uh, hey, Bud.

Want to see a dead body? Really?

(organ playing quietly) Bud, I thought you found a body in the woods.

This is just a funeral. Yeah. You want to poke it?

What? No!

Fine. More poking for me.

What are you doing, Bud?!

Get away from my husband! Shut up!

Larry told me I could do this while he was alive.

Now I kind of want to poke him.

I thought we were both going out tonight.

Why are you dressed like that? God, J.C.,

because I'm huntin' scrote!

Oh, who am I kidding? It's been so long

since I've done this. I'm scared.

Are you sure you still want to go through with this?

Becky, do you want to wake up in our commune at age 40

and have to tell our son, Jane Fonda Jr.,

that we're getting a divorce because we didn't

explore our sexual options?

(bird chirping)

ERNESTO: Damn it, Paco, how could you?

You know the rules! If you're gonna

look in a lady's window, you gotta be raking!

Sometimes I wish that guy had just stayed in Mexico.

Don't worry, I got your back, pal.

(rooster crows)

Where's Paco?

BUD: Oh, hey, buddy.

Your Paco problem has been solved.

I heard you wished he was back in Mexico,

so your old pal Bud made it happen.

What?! You deported Paco?

Yeah, you just tell me anyone else you want back in Mexico.

That's right, Bud and Ernesto: the deportin' machine!

Landscape that, Ernesto's slaves!

You got Paco deported?

Ernesto Gustavo Eduardo Ronaldo Saperstein Gonzalez!

I told you not to be friends with la migra!

You know what to do.

No, Papi! Not the burrito of shame!

Ha! I knew Plácido's son

would end up in the burrito.

Mind your own business, Fidencio!

My son's in the burrito of glory!

I just got a promotion!

Oh, hey-ya, buddy.

Look, Bud, you didn't have to deport Paco.

I know, but I wanted to.

Hey, that's what friends are for, huh?

That and surprise feedings.

You don't understand. The problem I had with Paco

was none of your business. Now my crew hates me.

Plus, Paco had cholo ties!

(gasps) Hey, ese,

this is for Paco.

Not him!

Richie!

(swing music playing, indistinct conversations)

Okay, J.C., you can do this.

You can pick up women.

Hi, I'm J.C.

I'm Charlene.

Look who's awake.

Sorry you missed it.

We had a fun night of sex.

If we had sex, why do I feel so terrible?

Not with you, you disgusting pig.

We have sex to celebrate a successful kidney theft.

Before I sewed you up,

I left a little piece of me inside you.

Guess which piece.

Ugh, the dating world is so cruel.

We gotta call this off.

What?

How's she succeeding?

Maybe there are other men out there

with a fetish for saggers.

I can't let her do better than me.

It's back on!

Are you in an open relationship, too?

What?

How's she succeeding?

And with our famous cousin!

Bud's ruined my life.

Every Mexican in this city hates me.

I liked him better when he didn't like me.

(knocking at door)

BUD: Hey, Ernesto!

You want to go to Beef Corral?

Son of a beesh.

Damn it, Bud, I don't...

What did you do to your hair?

And why are you copying my mustache style?

What? Oh, no.

I just came up with this on my own.

Pretty cool how we had the same idea

independently of each other.

Must mean we're soul mates.

Damn it, Bud, I don't want to see you right now!

Because of you, every Mexican in town is mad at me!

Even me!

¡Malinche!

What's the matter? Are they not returning your "holas"?

'Cause if they're not, it'll cost them dearly.

We'll call it "The Hola Cost."

Look, just leave me alone!

I'm not helping you deport anybody else!

I don't even like you!

You've made my life a living hell!

Don't like me?

Fine! I don't need you!

Ernesto, go get me my chewing tobacco.

No. You're a stupid old man!

Finally, you stood up to me.

I love you, Ernesto.

(dog barks)

I heard you told off Bud.

It's about time you put that idiot in his place.

Come to bed, my sexy matador.

I'm just not in the mood.

Today I am a sad-ador.

I feel bad about snapping at Bud.

(sobbing): Why, God?

Why was this movie in the Young Guns box?

(sobbing)

Why are you feeling guilty about that jerk?

He deported one of your employees!

Part of me feels like I should apologize.

I didn't come to this country

to get in a fight with my neighbor.

I came here to blow up the White House.

But things change and people can, too.

MAN: Aah! No!

Bud, stop fuming about Ernesto.

He saved your life.

All I know is, I tried to do something nice for him

and he turned out to be a monster!

Oh, Janice, you wouldn't understand it

because you're a woman.

Men can just be so mean to each other!

(sobs)

Come on, Bud, if it weren't for Ernesto,

we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

Ernesto's not a monster.

The truth is, he's always been your friend.

But you only returned that friendship

after he saved your life.

If you ask me, Ernesto's not the one who should apologize.

It's you. Oh, maybe you're right.

Nah.

Or...

Nah.

Or...

Nah.

Or...

Nah.

Thanks for offering to help me meet women, guys.

I realize now I have no idea what I'm doing.

Well, before you talk to real girls,

you should practice.

I'll be the hot chick and you be you.

Hi, I'm a hot chick.

Hey. I'm J.C.

Who's your friend, Sanford? He's hot.

I'm gonna take him into the bathroom.

(door opens)

JANICE: Sanford, go grope yourself somewhere else.

I'm taking a bath.

Uh, hey, you know where Ernesto is?

I need to talk to him.

His wife was found dead in a park.

What? Don't listen to him.

The only English he knows is from CSI.

They found traces of semen on the body.

Ah, the hell with you, I'll find him myself.

I'll use my Mexican caller.

(blowing soundlessly)

Did you really think that you could blow a whistle

and people of Mexican descent

would come running like animals?

That's racist even for you, Bud.

What am I doing here?

Oh, no, fire!

Run, flowers, run!

Oh, my God! Ernesto!

Come on, Ernesto, wake up!

Bud?

What are you doing here?

I'm trying to save you, but, crap, we're screwed!

Quick, take off your suspenders!

But where will my thumbs go when I dispense country wisdom?

Just give me them!

Well, it looks like this is it.

We're gonna die.

About (bleep) time.

Don't worry, ma'am, I'll save you! Oh, it's you,

Buckwald. The hell? Did the fire burn your shirt off?

I only fight fire in clothing made of magician's flash paper.

Abraca-booyah!

(car approaching)

Date over.

J.C., did that woman lock you in her trunk?

Yeah, but she's an eighth Native American,

so she had a right to do that.

J.C., listen...

I-I don't want to see other people anymore.

Really? But I saw you at a bar with that blond guy.

Oh, that was just some creep who bought me a drink.

Oh, thank God!

I hate dating. I was wrong.

I don't need to be with anyone else

to know you're the one for me.

Oh, J.C., I feel the same way!

Hey, Becky, you got any orange juice?

Oh, you got a kid?

You told me that was a one-way street.

What's up, little man? I'm Caden.

(tapping)

Ernesto, what are you doing?

I'm installing a new muffler for you.

It's the least I can do after you saved my life.

Or at least tried to.

Listen, I'm really sorry

for yelling at you the other day.

You are my friend.

Yeah, you're my friend, too.

And I'm gonna tell everybody about it

whenever I'm accused of being racist.

You know, Bud, you and your family can come stay with us

until they fix the fire damage to your house.

What are you talking about? It is fixed.

I ran out of nails, but luckily I had all that gum.

(grunting)

Whoa...

Oh, damn it! This is all your fault!

Your cholo cousin gave me a gumball machine

for Christmas and he labeled it "For Homes."

(footsteps approaching) ERNESTO: ¡Hola, Bud!

BUD: Oh, damn it, Ernesto, I'm living in your house.

You don't have to say "hola" every single time you see me.

ERNESTO: ¡Hola, Bud!

BUD: I didn't even leave the room! All you did was blink!

ERNESTO: But I missed you. Hola, Bud's gun!

(gunshot, thud) Hola, Bud's brains!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH