1
00:00:03,270 --> 00:00:05,136
The best way to catch
an immigrant
2
00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:08,473
is to be an immigrant.
(chuckles)
3
00:00:13,613 --> 00:00:16,648
Oh, these guys got no idea
that la migra
4
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:19,450
is la-mongst 'em.
(giggles, snorts)
5
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:21,352
(snoring)
6
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:29,694
Where the hell am I?
7
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,763
Where'd you get
the van?
8
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:33,498
Let's just say
magic was involved.
9
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:37,168
I wish you could use magic
to bring Mom back to life.
10
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:38,636
I could.
11
00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:41,039
(screeches)
12
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,546
♪ Ooh! ♪
13
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:50,548
♪ Ha! ♪
14
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,050
♪ Ooh! ♪
15
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,218
♪ Ha! ♪
16
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,519
Whoa!
17
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:09,067
SANCHEZ: Good morning,
Mexifornia. Our top story:
18
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,035
Drought and record temperatures
continue to fuel
19
00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:13,071
the raging wildfires
north of Mexifornia.
20
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,506
And unfortunately,
some escaped chimpanzees
21
00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:17,709
stole Mexifornia's
only fire truck.
22
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,078
(screeching, whooping)
23
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,247
(loud crash)
24
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,581
No...!
25
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,650
My bagel was in there!
26
00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:27,552
Coming up:
do your children know what to do
27
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,420
in the event of a fire?
Mine didn't.
28
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,156
When will people wake up to
the reality of climate change?
29
00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:34,492
It's the biggest problem
facing our world today.
30
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:37,228
Not according to
Oil Illustrated.
31
00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:42,233
I ain't afraid of fire 'cause
I can control it with my mind.
32
00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:45,003
You hear that,
undercooked bacon?
33
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:49,641
And all it cost me
was my stupid soul.
34
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,847
¡Fuego! ¡Fuego! ¡Fuego!
35
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,782
¡Muy caliente!
36
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,184
Oh, no! Fire?
Luckily, I can't burn.
37
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,520
The lady from my high school
said I'm retardant.
38
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,056
Don't worry, Maria,
after last year's fire scare,
39
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,091
I installed
an advanced sprinkler system.
40
00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:10,595
In case of fire,
I just pull this lever.
41
00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:18,636
It was expensive, but luckily
I found that treasure.
42
00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:20,038
Oh, I-I mean
sprinklers...
43
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,706
Uh, nothing!
Gotta go!
44
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:23,441
(door opens, closes,
rapid footsteps)
45
00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:25,443
(engine starts, revs)
46
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:28,313
(tires squeal, engine roars)
47
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,315
SANCHEZ: Firefighters continue
to try to contain
48
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,216
the wildfire burning
outside of Mexifornia.
49
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,052
Everybody, pack up
and go home.
50
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,420
This fire's getting close,
51
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,121
and I've been called
to the front lines.
52
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:38,823
Steve, what the hell
is that stuff?
53
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,892
I'm a Hot Shot. It's an
elite firefighting unit.
54
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:43,561
You have to fill out an
entire form to sign up.
55
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:44,929
Well, most of a form.
56
00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:46,831
Okay, there's no form.
57
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,967
Welcome to the Hot Shots.
58
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,669
God, Buckwald,
one of these days
59
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,137
you got to fix
your tailpipe.
60
00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:55,340
Look, Gary, we're not all
made of money like you
61
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,141
'cause our wives died
in a plane crash.
62
00:02:57,143 --> 00:02:58,676
Just stop bragging
about it.
63
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,512
Come on, Buckwald,
that's over the line.
64
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:09,153
(engine chugging, clanking)
65
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,158
Hola, Bud.
Need any help
66
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,094
getting your yard
ready for the fire?
67
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,528
No, I don't need your help!
68
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:19,364
Every year there's a fire,
everyone evacuates,
69
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,799
and it ends up being nothing--
like when Janice said
70
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:23,868
it was gonna rain
and I said it wasn't,
71
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,603
so I didn't roll up
the car windows,
72
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:28,373
and our car got stolen, so it
didn't matter that it rained.
73
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,342
Well, I hope you're right, Bud,
'cause if my house burned down,
74
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:34,178
we'd probably have
to move back to Mexico!
75
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:36,981
(engine starts)
76
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:39,417
(gasps)
It's heaven!
77
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,152
You're mine now!
78
00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:42,820
No, this doesn't
count as a dream!
79
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,655
Yes, it does!
(grunts)
80
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:47,291
SANCHEZ: As the fire
continues to rage unchecked,
81
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:49,227
officials have asked
any birthday boys and girls
82
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,195
to report
for blowing-it-out duty.
83
00:03:51,197 --> 00:03:52,163
(exhaling)
84
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:53,998
I don't want to be
seven anymore!
85
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,333
Shut up and blow!
86
00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:57,035
I'm getting an update
that shifting winds
87
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,169
have caused Mayor Paulson
88
00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,871
to call
for the immediate evacuation
89
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,539
of all Mexifornians.
90
00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:02,807
I ain't goin' nowhere!
91
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,575
This fire's gonna blow
right past us,
92
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,044
just like it always does.
93
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,746
But, Bud, we're not safe here.
Calm down, Janice.
94
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:10,314
Remember how
hysterical you got
95
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,650
over my part monkey, part
bee, part scorpion pet?
96
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:15,086
And Mr. Nubbins-Stingy-Claws
is doing great.
97
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,320
Isn't that right, buddy?
98
00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:19,223
(snarls)
How did you get Gert's gun?!
99
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:26,364
Okay, I think that's enough
for the calendar.
100
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:27,498
(beeping)
101
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,901
Aah! But we should
probably get out of here!
102
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:31,569
(screaming)
103
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,408
Thanks for the
suitcase, Maria.
104
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:39,844
You forget you don't own one
when you never take a trip.
105
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,512
Well, if Bud is
too stubborn to leave,
106
00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:43,181
it'll be his own fault
if he dies.
107
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:45,183
You and the kids
can evacuate with us.
108
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,085
Okay, I packed
all the family keepsakes.
109
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:48,920
Why did you only
pack family photos
110
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:50,621
with my cousin
Yolanda in them?
111
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,290
Whoa, come on, baby,
112
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,692
let's fight fire,
not each other.
113
00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:56,427
(dog barking in distance)
114
00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:59,864
Come on, kids, the
Gonzalezes are waiting.
115
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:02,200
Bud, as your friend,
come with us!
116
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:05,069
You can tell that story again
about the training camp
117
00:05:05,071 --> 00:05:07,071
you bombed during
the first Gulf War.
118
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:09,740
It wasn't a training camp,
you idiot-- it was a school!
119
00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:12,310
And technically, the war
had been over for six months.
120
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,812
If you're gonna butcher
the details of my heroism,
121
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:17,448
I'd rather you not
bring it up at all.
122
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:27,558
(indistinct chatter)
123
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,928
I'm glad you kids are safe,
but I'm worried about Bud.
124
00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,263
How do you know
we'll be safe?
125
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,898
We're still in the path
of the fire.
126
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,066
Don't worry--
town officials
127
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,167
know what they're doing.
128
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,435
Welcome, everyone.
129
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,137
We'll likely be here
for some time,
130
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,672
so for your entertainment,
here's Great White!
131
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,242
♪ ♪
132
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:48,312
SANCHEZ: The work of brave
firefighters and shifting winds
133
00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:50,648
have diverted the path
of the fire away from town,
134
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:53,251
bringing the number of ongoing
emergencies in Mexifornia
135
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,852
to a comfortable seven.
136
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,420
Ha! I knew
we were perfectly safe.
137
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,990
Luckily, there's a lump
on my testicle that throbs
138
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,092
whenever there's nothing
to worry about.
139
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,494
(wind whistling)
140
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:09,500
(cheering, whooping)
We did it!
141
00:06:11,304 --> 00:06:14,505
♪ ♪
142
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,053
MAN:
Not the Fireworks Depot!
143
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:31,389
(fireworks exploding,
people screaming)
144
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:42,533
Mexifornia has once again
escaped wildfire,
145
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,202
with the exception
of what appears to be
146
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,304
a small pile
of abandoned pallets.
147
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,406
Those aren't pallets--
that's our house!
148
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,408
Oh, my God!
Bud is in there!
149
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,244
Dad can't die! Who's
gonna walk J.C. down the aisle
150
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,645
at our gender-reversed wedding?
151
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,380
I told you,
I didn't want that!
152
00:06:56,382 --> 00:06:58,983
This wedding
is my day!
153
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,018
I'll go back for Bud.
You stay here.
154
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,321
No, Ernesto!
It's too dangerous!
155
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:06,224
Maria, every man I've
ever tried to save has died.
156
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,758
I need to break my streak.
157
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,695
Sir, no one's allowed to
leave the evacuation center.
158
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:12,463
(crack)
159
00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:15,433
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Baby Stomper.
160
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:19,403
Finally, some peace and quiet
so I can watch my favorite show.
161
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:20,738
Welcome back,
Dex Recker.
162
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:22,873
Thanks, Mr. President.
I went back in time
163
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:24,575
and stomped
on Karl Marx as a baby.
164
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:27,545
Now the Russian Revolution
and Cold War never happened.
165
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,413
Well, since that person
died as a baby,
166
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:31,415
I, of course, don't know
what you're referring to.
167
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:34,452
(loud crunching) Oh, my God,
what's happening to me?!
168
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,355
Oh, no! A bad guy must have
stolen my time machine,
169
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,757
and he's stomping
on baby you!
170
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:41,092
♪ ♪
171
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,793
Finally, someone's done a show
172
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:45,263
about baby stomping right.
173
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,301
Hola, unconscious Bud.
174
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,303
Bud, wake up!
The roof... (coughs)
175
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,206
the roof... (coughs)
the roof is on fire!
176
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:57,375
(strained grunting)
177
00:07:57,377 --> 00:08:00,044
Damn it, Bud, you're
too hard to lift!
178
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:03,314
Oh, cool,
you have a handle.
179
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:06,984
Damn it, Bud, fight!
Come on!
180
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,720
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
(coughing)
181
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:11,222
Oh, not now, Ramon.
182
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,024
My wife can see us.
183
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,993
(birds chirping)
184
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:18,429
Oh, Bud,
I'm so glad you're okay!
185
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,064
Well, I'm lucky to be alive.
186
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,066
And I owe it all to one man.
187
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,068
Whitney Houston said
the greatest love of all
188
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,003
is learning
to love cocaine,
189
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,672
but it's not--
it's Ernesto.
190
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:30,574
Hola, Bud. Want to
join me for a cerveza?
191
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:34,011
No. Today I'll be
offering you a cerveza.
192
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,780
That's a chicken, Bud.
193
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:38,449
What you did for me yesterday
not only saved my life,
194
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,518
but it was the nicest thing
anyone's ever done.
195
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,586
It's opened my eyes
and allowed me to see
196
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:44,655
what's been right
in front of me all along.
197
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:47,992
You are my best friend.
Oh. Thank you.
198
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:51,929
I think of you as a friend, too.
I said best friend.
199
00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:54,699
(whispering): What's the longest
you've ever hugged a man?
200
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,200
Let's triple it.
201
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,670
We could just leave
our families and go.
202
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,610
All right, Ernesto, now
that we're best friends,
203
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:09,113
I want to introduce you
to my favorite show.
204
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,948
It's called Baby Stomper.
205
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:11,982
It's a boy!
206
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:14,985
Happy birthday,
Dex Junior!
207
00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,354
You're future me!
208
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:19,457
Our baby will grow up
and blow up the planet!
209
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,560
Sorry, Dex, but you know
what has to happen.
210
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,530
Don't be sorry--
it's the business we've chosen.
211
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:29,133
♪ ♪
212
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:30,701
Hey, buddy, can I
get you anything?
213
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,570
Another beer? Gracias.
You know,
214
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,139
I'm so glad we're friends now, Bud.
Yeah, me, too.
215
00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:37,842
Hey, thanks for letting me use
your bathroom the other day.
216
00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:40,644
I loved using your big
Mexican cloth toilet paper.
217
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:43,180
You mean our hand towels?
"Hand towels."
218
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,316
Look at me--
I know Spanish!
219
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,418
It's so nice to see
Dad and Ernesto
220
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,220
finally getting along.
221
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,355
Hola, Daddy.
Don't forget about me.
222
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:53,157
I can save lives, too.
223
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,159
I got you, Dora.
224
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:57,094
Sanford says
she's a cheap knockoff,
225
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,496
but that ain't true.
226
00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,830
I'm Michael Cera,
227
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:02,733
and I'm happy
to have this voice-over job.
228
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,938
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
Superman II for Gardeners.
229
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,673
Kneel before Sod!
230
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:12,843
Ernesto, why are you spending
so much time with that jerk Bud?
231
00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:14,378
Why not?
He's a nice guy.
232
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,680
Because a good Mexican
doesn't befriend la migra!
233
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:19,717
He also only farts
once every six months.
234
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,018
(booming fart)
235
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:22,253
(squeaks)
236
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:25,022
I remember when my farts
used to make sounds.
237
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,025
Who's ready for my
world-famous tamales?
238
00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:30,694
Not tonight, Maria.
Tonight you get the night off.
239
00:10:30,696 --> 00:10:32,229
I made tacos!
240
00:10:32,231 --> 00:10:35,032
How did you get in our house?
Oh, it doesn't matter how.
241
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:39,136
It just matters that it was easy
and none of you are safe.
242
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,771
Bud, Maria spent hours
on those tamales,
243
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:43,374
and these are just bent Frisbees
with dirt in them.
244
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:46,243
Now, hold your donkeys there--
I know you're excited.
245
00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:48,245
But first we got to say grace.
246
00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:49,980
Dear Mexican God,
please bless us
247
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:52,783
with bouncing cars
and barbells for our garage.
248
00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,819
And may motorists
desire oranges while driving,
249
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,421
so that we may prosper
at busy intersections.
250
00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:59,590
Did any of your relatives
die recently
251
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,592
so I can pray for their soul?
252
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,995
Guillermo. Oh, that's too hard.
I can't say that.
253
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:07,932
(audience laughter)
254
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:10,334
Thank God the Mexifornia
wildfire is finally out.
255
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,336
If it had survived
five more weeks,
256
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,638
Republicans would have claimed
it was a person.
257
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,074
Hey, easy
on the abortion jokes.
258
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:18,843
My dad's a coat hanger.
259
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,244
J.C., what's wrong?
260
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:23,414
(sighs) That fire scare shook me up.
We could have died, Becky.
261
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,683
There's so much I never
would have gotten to do.
262
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,786
Like have a child and raise
it to be gay. I know.
263
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,921
I've spent my whole
life in this town.
264
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:32,690
Heck, we've only
dated each other.
265
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,359
Do you think we're depriving
ourselves of a life experience
266
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,961
by not dating other people?
267
00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:38,128
Maybe we are.
268
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:39,697
Remember that time
we tried heroin?
269
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,466
Now we've got a fun addiction
that we can do together!
270
00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:46,670
Oh, by the way, we're out of heroin.
Becky mad!
271
00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:48,672
Well, I guess if
seeing other people
272
00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:51,208
will make us feel
more secure about our choice,
273
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,210
then our marriage
will be even stronger.
274
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,378
Let's give it a shot!
275
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,713
(both autodialing)
276
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,382
BOTH: Darn, I tried to call Amy,
but it was busy.
277
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,718
Oh, you want to date women now?
278
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,021
Ernesto, what
are you hiding from?
279
00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:06,957
Just trying to get to my truck
without Bud accosting me.
280
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:10,227
Sorry, Maria, you were right
about being friends with him.
281
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:12,196
Hola, Ernesto.
282
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:14,298
(chuckles)
Uh, hey, Bud.
283
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,734
Want to see a dead body? Really?
284
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,870
(organ playing quietly) Bud, I thought
you found a body in the woods.
285
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:23,340
This is just a funeral. Yeah.
You want to poke it?
286
00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:24,375
What? No!
287
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,877
Fine.
More poking for me.
288
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,913
What are you
doing, Bud?!
289
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,915
Get away from my husband!
Shut up!
290
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,751
Larry told me I could do this
while he was alive.
291
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,754
Now I kind of want
to poke him.
292
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,257
I thought we were both
going out tonight.
293
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,426
Why are you dressed like that?
God, J.C.,
294
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,595
because I'm
huntin' scrote!
295
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,764
Oh, who am I kidding?
It's been so long
296
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,766
since I've done
this. I'm scared.
297
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,601
Are you sure you still want
to go through with this?
298
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,704
Becky, do you want to wake up
in our commune at age 40
299
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,839
and have to tell our son,
Jane Fonda Jr.,
300
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:57,575
that we're getting a divorce
because we didn't
301
00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:59,410
explore our sexual options?
302
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,445
(bird chirping)
303
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,447
ERNESTO: Damn it,
Paco, how could you?
304
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,848
You know the rules!
If you're gonna
305
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:07,785
look in a lady's window,
you gotta be raking!
306
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,955
Sometimes I wish that guy
had just stayed in Mexico.
307
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:14,592
Don't worry,
I got your back, pal.
308
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,561
(rooster crows)
309
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:18,729
Where's Paco?
310
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:19,897
BUD:
Oh, hey, buddy.
311
00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:21,532
Your Paco problem
has been solved.
312
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,534
I heard you wished
he was back in Mexico,
313
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,536
so your old pal Bud
made it happen.
314
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:27,304
What?!
You deported Paco?
315
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,140
Yeah, you just tell me anyone
else you want back in Mexico.
316
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:34,979
That's right, Bud and Ernesto:
the deportin' machine!
317
00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:41,051
Landscape that,
Ernesto's slaves!
318
00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:42,753
You got Paco deported?
319
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:46,457
Ernesto Gustavo Eduardo
Ronaldo Saperstein Gonzalez!
320
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,325
I told you not to be friends
with la migra!
321
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,727
You know what to do.
322
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:52,296
No, Papi!
Not the burrito of shame!
323
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,601
Ha! I knew
Plácido's son
324
00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:58,902
would end up
in the burrito.
325
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,838
Mind your own business,
Fidencio!
326
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,773
My son's
in the burrito of glory!
327
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:05,309
I just got
a promotion!
328
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:11,782
Oh, hey-ya, buddy.
329
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:14,518
Look, Bud, you didn't
have to deport Paco.
330
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,919
I know, but I wanted to.
331
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,588
Hey, that's what
friends are for, huh?
332
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,923
That and surprise feedings.
333
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,925
You don't understand.
The problem I had with Paco
334
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,695
was none of your business.
Now my crew hates me.
335
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,697
Plus, Paco had cholo ties!
336
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,999
(gasps)
Hey, ese,
337
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:30,668
this is for Paco.
338
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,538
Not him!
339
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,974
Richie!
340
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:40,177
(swing music playing,
indistinct conversations)
341
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,114
Okay, J.C., you can do this.
342
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:46,316
You can pick up women.
343
00:14:46,318 --> 00:14:48,185
Hi, I'm J.C.
344
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:50,054
I'm Charlene.
345
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:54,625
Look who's awake.
346
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,826
Sorry you missed it.
347
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,294
We had a fun night of sex.
348
00:14:57,296 --> 00:15:00,030
If we had sex, why do
I feel so terrible?
349
00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,899
Not with you,
you disgusting pig.
350
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:05,302
We have sex to celebrate
a successful kidney theft.
351
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:06,570
Before I
sewed you up,
352
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,238
I left a little piece
of me inside you.
353
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,873
Guess which piece.
354
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,544
Ugh, the dating world
is so cruel.
355
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:15,379
We gotta call this off.
356
00:15:17,016 --> 00:15:18,182
What?
357
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:19,683
How's she succeeding?
358
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,251
Maybe there are
other men out there
359
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,519
with a fetish for saggers.
360
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,321
I can't let her
do better than me.
361
00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,489
It's back on!
362
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,358
Are you in an open
relationship, too?
363
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,526
What?
364
00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:30,928
How's she succeeding?
365
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,397
And with our famous cousin!
366
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:36,400
Bud's ruined my life.
367
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:38,669
Every Mexican
in this city hates me.
368
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,537
I liked him better
when he didn't like me.
369
00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:41,739
(knocking at door)
370
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:42,906
BUD:
Hey, Ernesto!
371
00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,408
You want to go
to Beef Corral?
372
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,210
Son of a beesh.
373
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:48,412
Damn it, Bud, I don't...
374
00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:50,080
What did you do
to your hair?
375
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:52,249
And why are you copying
my mustache style?
376
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:53,383
What? Oh, no.
377
00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:54,752
I just came up
with this on my own.
378
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,286
Pretty cool how we
had the same idea
379
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:57,554
independently
of each other.
380
00:15:57,556 --> 00:15:59,089
Must mean
we're soul mates.
381
00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:01,358
Damn it, Bud, I don't want
to see you right now!
382
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,294
Because of you, every Mexican
in town is mad at me!
383
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:05,529
Even me!
384
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,197
¡Malinche!
385
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:09,233
What's the matter? Are they
not returning your "holas"?
386
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,769
'Cause if they're not,
it'll cost them dearly.
387
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,804
We'll call it
"The Hola Cost."
388
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,139
Look, just leave me alone!
389
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:17,141
I'm not helping you
deport anybody else!
390
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,142
I don't even like you!
391
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,144
You've made my life
a living hell!
392
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,378
Don't like me?
393
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,046
Fine!
I don't need you!
394
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:25,649
Ernesto, go get me
my chewing tobacco.
395
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:28,051
No. You're
a stupid old man!
396
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:30,554
Finally, you
stood up to me.
397
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,322
I love you, Ernesto.
398
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,895
(dog barks)
399
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,329
I heard you
told off Bud.
400
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:41,899
It's about time you put
that idiot in his place.
401
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:44,468
Come to bed, my sexy matador.
402
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:45,669
I'm just not in the mood.
403
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,604
Today I am a sad-ador.
404
00:16:47,606 --> 00:16:49,306
I feel bad
about snapping at Bud.
405
00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:50,741
(sobbing):
Why, God?
406
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:53,577
Why was this movie in
the Young Guns box?
407
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:54,912
(sobbing)
408
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,814
Why are you feeling
guilty about that jerk?
409
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,816
He deported one
of your employees!
410
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,617
Part of me feels like
I should apologize.
411
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:01,919
I didn't come
to this country
412
00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:03,654
to get in a fight
with my neighbor.
413
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:05,689
I came here to blow up
the White House.
414
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:08,525
But things change
and people can, too.
415
00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:12,329
MAN:
Aah! No!
416
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:14,798
Bud, stop fuming
about Ernesto.
417
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,166
He saved your life.
418
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:18,669
All I know is, I tried to do
something nice for him
419
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,637
and he turned out
to be a monster!
420
00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:21,972
Oh, Janice, you
wouldn't understand it
421
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:23,273
because you're a woman.
422
00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:25,609
Men can just be so
mean to each other!
423
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:26,944
(sobs)
424
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,112
Come on, Bud, if it
weren't for Ernesto,
425
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:31,682
we wouldn't even be
having this conversation.
426
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:33,383
Ernesto's not a monster.
427
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,719
The truth is,
he's always been your friend.
428
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,120
But you only
returned that friendship
429
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:38,989
after he saved your life.
430
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,191
If you ask me, Ernesto's not
the one who should apologize.
431
00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:45,195
It's you.
Oh, maybe you're right.
432
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:46,496
Nah.
433
00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:47,965
Or...
434
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,333
Nah.
435
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:51,134
Or...
436
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,669
Nah.
437
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:54,371
Or...
438
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,039
Nah.
439
00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:59,376
Thanks for offering to
help me meet women, guys.
440
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:02,079
I realize now I have
no idea what I'm doing.
441
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,747
Well, before you talk
to real girls,
442
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,082
you should practice.
443
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,484
I'll be the hot chick
and you be you.
444
00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:08,886
Hi, I'm a hot chick.
445
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,254
Hey. I'm J.C.
446
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,556
Who's your friend, Sanford?
He's hot.
447
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:15,425
I'm gonna take him
into the bathroom.
448
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:16,894
(door opens)
449
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,662
JANICE: Sanford, go grope
yourself somewhere else.
450
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:20,564
I'm taking a bath.
451
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,903
Uh, hey, you know
where Ernesto is?
452
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,104
I need
to talk to him.
453
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,106
His wife was found dead
in a park.
454
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,908
What? Don't listen to him.
455
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,777
The only English he
knows is from CSI.
456
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,046
They found traces of semen
on the body.
457
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,048
Ah, the hell with you,
I'll find him myself.
458
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,883
I'll use my Mexican caller.
459
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:41,351
(blowing soundlessly)
460
00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:43,854
Did you really think that
you could blow a whistle
461
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,222
and people
of Mexican descent
462
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,723
would come running
like animals?
463
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:48,725
That's racist
even for you, Bud.
464
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:50,294
What am I doing here?
465
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:56,934
Oh, no, fire!
466
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,669
Run, flowers, run!
467
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:02,706
Oh, my God! Ernesto!
468
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,309
Come on, Ernesto, wake up!
469
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,612
Bud?
470
00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:10,213
What are you doing here?
471
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:12,482
I'm trying to save you,
but, crap, we're screwed!
472
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:14,217
Quick, take off
your suspenders!
473
00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:16,954
But where will my thumbs go
when I dispense country wisdom?
474
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:19,656
Just give me them!
475
00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:28,832
Well, it looks
like this is it.
476
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,300
We're gonna die.
477
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:31,668
About (bleep) time.
478
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,173
Don't worry, ma'am,
I'll save you! Oh, it's you,
479
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,775
Buckwald. The hell? Did the
fire burn your shirt off?
480
00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:42,245
I only fight fire in clothing
made of magician's flash paper.
481
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,147
Abraca-booyah!
482
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,220
(car approaching)
483
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,191
Date over.
484
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:02,833
J.C., did that woman
lock you in her trunk?
485
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,701
Yeah, but she's an
eighth Native American,
486
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:06,670
so she had a right
to do that.
487
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:08,038
J.C., listen...
488
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,440
I-I don't want
to see other people anymore.
489
00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:13,143
Really? But I saw you at
a bar with that blond guy.
490
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,779
Oh, that was just some creep
who bought me a drink.
491
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,047
Oh, thank God!
492
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,715
I hate dating.
I was wrong.
493
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,517
I don't need to be
with anyone else
494
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:21,785
to know you're the one for me.
495
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:24,421
Oh, J.C., I feel
the same way!
496
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,457
Hey, Becky, you got
any orange juice?
497
00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:28,692
Oh, you got a kid?
498
00:20:28,694 --> 00:20:30,193
You told me that was
a one-way street.
499
00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:33,030
What's up, little man?
I'm Caden.
500
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:38,135
(tapping)
501
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,070
Ernesto,
what are you doing?
502
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,305
I'm installing
a new muffler for you.
503
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:44,708
It's the least I can do
after you saved my life.
504
00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:45,876
Or at least tried to.
505
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,177
Listen, I'm
really sorry
506
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,745
for yelling at you
the other day.
507
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,013
You are my friend.
508
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:51,214
Yeah, you're
my friend, too.
509
00:20:51,216 --> 00:20:52,849
And I'm gonna tell
everybody about it
510
00:20:52,851 --> 00:20:54,751
whenever I'm accused
of being racist.
511
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:57,320
You know, Bud, you and your
family can come stay with us
512
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,023
until they fix the fire damage
to your house.
513
00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:01,491
What are you talking about?
It is fixed.
514
00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:04,561
I ran out of nails,
but luckily I had all that gum.
515
00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:06,596
(grunting)
516
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:07,898
Whoa...
517
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,000
Oh, damn it!
This is all your fault!
518
00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:12,002
Your cholo cousin
gave me a gumball machine
519
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:15,238
for Christmas
and he labeled it "For Homes."
520
00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:18,408
(footsteps approaching)
ERNESTO: ¡Hola, Bud!
521
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:20,577
BUD: Oh, damn it, Ernesto,
I'm living in your house.
522
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:22,512
You don't have to say "hola"
every single time you see me.
523
00:21:22,514 --> 00:21:24,281
ERNESTO:
¡Hola, Bud!
524
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,917
BUD: I didn't even leave the
room! All you did was blink!
525
00:21:26,919 --> 00:21:28,852
ERNESTO: But I missed you.
Hola, Bud's gun!
526
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:30,520
(gunshot, thud)
Hola, Bud's brains!
527
00:21:30,522 --> 00:21:33,090
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH